Son of a Critch (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Good God, that crowd in
Ethiopia got it some bad.
They're saying it's the
worst famine in years.
In the 80's, people were thinking of
the dire situation in Ethiopia.
Well, we might starve, too.
The friggin' fridge
is on the fritz again.
And then, unfortunately,
went right back to
thinking of themselves.
There's nothing wrong with that fridge.
That fridge is gonna outlive us all.
Bloody milk is froze solid.
Which just means the
fridge is working too good.
Alright.
Oh, enough of those
bloody chocolate almonds!
You've been eating that junk all week!
I'm just supporting
the boy's fundraiser.
The whole scene was inspired by
Bob Geldof's Live Aid
concert for famine relief.
While Bob held a super concert,
at school we sold
chocolate-covered almonds.
I'll take one.
Being a salesman came easy to me,
especially given a certain
someone's sweet tooth.
Pop was hooked.
A junk food junkie.
Aah!
Two more.
I was killing it!
And probably killing Pop, as well.
Jeez!
Did you make all that selling almonds?
- Uh-huh.
- Good for you!
Friggin' packin' ice-box!
Have you got any more almonds?
I'm all out, Pop.
What?!
Oh, jeez, no more almonds?
Stop your sooking and
eat your breakfast, hm?
Probably don't need that part anyway.
I sold 'em all just in time, too!
We have to hand in our collection sheet
for the 24-hour famine.
I wanted to be just like Bob Geldof
Famous!
If helping others helped
me look good, then, why not?
Right. People,
I'm here to announce that
I've solved world hunger.
Yes, I said, "hunger?
"Ah, not having it."
Yes, people want food?
I'll sell 'em chocolate-covered almonds.
That way I made 800 billion dollars.
You're welcome.
Oh, yes, that's lunch. Thank you.
And, like Bob, I wanted
nothing in return.
Well, almost nothing
Whoever sells the most gets a free bike!
And I've already sold more
than last year's winner,
so it's a formality at this point.
You don't know how to ride a bike.
Fall off one, maybe.
Well, then, I'll sell it.
I have my eyes set on the new Casio.
Digital!
Melodic alarm, liquid crystal display.
It shows the month and the day!
This isn't just a watch.
This is a time piece.
Aah!
Packin' packity packer!
Call that repair guy that
works for the station.
I'm already on it.
And that's what you won't!
We don't be wasting good
money on a repair man!
Besides, it's fixed now.
What's that?
How the I was just
Bloody packin' ice box!
Mr. Chafe.
Thank you, Sister.
Alright, students,
welcome to this year's
"Slumber for Hunger"!
I'm sure we're all
gonna have a lot of fun!
Ahem.
While solemnly reflecting on famine.
If you haven't done so already,
turn in your collection sheets.
Later tonight we will
announce the top-seller
and present them with a gift
certificate for a new bike
from "Bill's Cycle Shop,
we also sharpen skates."
We put the "act" in act of kindness!
It's as good as mine.
I-I mean, it's so amazing
we're helping out like this.
There were three bake
sales and two flea markets
on my street last week,
so people were tapped out.
How did you do?
My idiot brothers
kept eating my almonds.
I'm way behind. I hate this crap.
Maybe I could take a
few boxes off your hands?
You know, help you out?
I don't need your pity, dork.
And before lights out,
there will be games
of bingo with prizes.
But there will be no food for 24 hours.
This is a fast.
When Moses fasted, he
received the Ten Commandments.
What shall you receive?
A new bike?
The Holy Spirit!
You were way off.
For when we feed the hungry,
we feed our Lord.
"For I was hungry and you gave me food!"
Matthew, 25:35.
Imagine if a beggar came
to your door asking for food
and you shooed him away!
Well, what if it turned
out that the beggar was
Jesus in disguise?
How would you feel then?
I somehow doubted Jesus would use
the Second Coming to
go trick-or-treating
on Kenmount Road.
So remember, be charitable.
For when someone asks something of you,
they might just be Jesus
in disguise, testing you.
May I use the washroom?
No.
Ms. Fowler, start the clock.
Ooh, nice time piece.
Okay, students.
You can start laying out your
mats in an orderly fashion.
We showed solidarity
with starving children
by sleeping on gym mats.
One inch of bulk protection
that was almost as soft
as the linoleum floor
it protected us from!
They offered little comfort,
but it was worth it to
sleep mere inches from Fox.
What?
So what if it's pink?
It's my younger cousin's.
I don't camp, bum-face.
Maybe I should take the middle.
Give it up.
There's no more of those GD
chocolate almonds in the house.
Oh! Oh, the floor's soaked!
Oh
It's dead!
Everything's defrosted.
Oh, no, no, no! The bulb is gone is all.
Then why am I standing
in a pool of fridge piss?
One of ye crowd must have
been shagging around with it.
We need a new fridge, Mike.
A new fridge? I'll be ruined.
I wonder if it's calling
for weather at all.
We could store the turkeys
and frozen vegetables
- out in a snow bank.
- Mike!
Fine, I'll call Freddy at Simpson-Sears.
The bugger owes me.
Mm-hm.
Mmm, mmm.
No sugar tonight in my coffee. ♪
No sugar tonight in my tea. ♪
No sugar to stand beside me. ♪
No sugar to run with me. ♪
Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪
Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪
Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow. ♪
Da-un-do-dow dow, da-un-do-dow! ♪
At least I can't hear
my stomach anymore.
Dow-dow! ♪
Thank you! That was a little ditty
by a band called the
Guess Who that says,
"Guess what? No sugar or
other food groups tonight."
Aw.
I'd kill for a flaky right now.
And a bag of hickory sticks.
How about you, Fox? Any cravings?
Is she going home?
Her sleeping bag's still here.
Maybe she doesn't like the music.
Or maybe she doesn't like me.
Mark Critch to the
office for a phone call.
Mark Critch to the office.
Ooh
A phone call, at school?
An absolute first.
Either someone was dead or
the house had burned down.
That can't be good.
I know you're all filled
up on the holy ghost,
but I hope you left some
room for a little pie
American pie, that is.
Aww
Hello?
Is it Pop? Is he okay?
Yes. It's me.
You're okay!
No, I'm starving!
Who else has almonds?
What? Uh, I don't know.
Dad bought some?
Ate those.
- Mom bought three.
- Ah, ate those, too.
Oh
Uh, Dick Dunphy bought 10 bucks' worth.
Why?
Dunphy.
Yes, he'll do nicely.
Would you like an almond, Ms. Fowler?
Oh, no, thank you, Mr.
Chafe. I'm watching my weight.
I've been watching your weight too,
and it's looking pretty good to me.
I mean
You don't look sick or anything.
Oh, well, you look
very healthy yourself.
Strapping.
That's from all the strappings.
What the hell was I seeing?
The only emotions I'd ever
witnessed teachers exhibit
were anger and regret.
Oh, God.
Freddy says he'll give me
a deal on a floor model,
but he can't deliver it until next week.
Well, what about all this food?
We don't want it to go to waste!
We're gonna have to cook it all.
- What?
- Grab a pot.
Oh, jeez.
We're gonna have to eat
enough to last all weekend.
Ah!
My teachers weren't the only ones
breaking the rules.
Everywhere I looked, kids were
sucking on contraband candy.
Was I the only one not cheating?
But where were they getting it?
I couldn't believe it.
Fox was pushing candy like a dealer!
Like she was me with Pop!
What would Bob Geldof do?
Get out of here!
Make it about himself!
What are you doing, dork?
What am I doing?
Bullies are supposed to
take candy from babies,
not sell it to 'em!
And at a mark-up?
We are fasting for the
needy, not the greedy!
Chill out, Gandhi.
Besides, it's not eating if you
just suck the chocolate off of 'em.
Come on.
Everyone's doing it.
No. No.
Why are you selling food
at a famine fundraiser, Fox?
I told you I was behind.
This is the only way I can
catch up and win that new bike.
You're cheating!
And some of us worked really
hard to have a chance to win.
Don't you judge me.
It's pretty hard not to.
My stomach was empty,
but like Bob Geldof,
I was full of myself.
Oh, good God, I feel
like Peary at the Pole.
Rainbow trout?
How long have they been in there?
Pop caught those in the little
pond up behind the station.
Back before they filled
it in with gravel.
Oh, Mike.
Remember when we used to sit
up there and splash our feet?
The flies were enough to eat ya!
"Bursey's frozen cod tongues"?
I remember when you brought those home!
They were one of your very
first clients at the station.
I was so proud of you!
Let's fry up a feed of tongues.
No, no, no, I don't like to eat tongues.
I don't like to taste anything
that can taste me back!
The Pink Poodle?
That place closed years
ago. When were we there?
Aw, that was just before Mark was born.
Bit of spice did the trick.
Yeah, he shot out of you like
Evel Knievel out of a cannon.
Oh, Mike. Remember when they were small?
Where'd the time go, at all, hm?
Oh, it wasn't that long ago.
It was just
1974?
Yeah, that might be pushing it a bit.
Yeah, euch.
Eureka!
Aah!
Hey, Pop.
Hey! Whoa.
Good, good to see you.
What are you doing here?
No, I was just, uh
I was just looking for a pencil.
I was gonna leave you a message.
What's the message?
Your mother wants to
invite Dick here for supper.
Really?
Is Mike gone?
Calm yourself.
No, we're all gonna be there.
Well, you could have just called.
Yeah, I could have done, but you know
I wanted to see my grandson in action.
Well, okay.
I can show you around if you want.
We got some time.
Nah, that's okay.
I've seen enough.
Yeah.
Right. No, it's really, uh, fabulous.
It's a way bigger office than Mike's.
Great. Alright!
- Keep up the good work!
- Ah, Dick
Okay, gang!
Time for bingo, which we
play every Saturday night
at the parish hall.
I noticed a lot of you
have not "Bin-go-ing."
Bin-go-ing.
Tough room.
Must be the hunger.
Under the B, we have 4!
B-4.
As in "Before Christ." B.C.
Dinosaurs!
Very cool.
Next, we have
I can't believe she's doing this.
G!
She's making a farce out of it.
You know? And these kids are no better.
This is supposed to be a
fast, not a Halloween party!
Next up, we have I-19
Why aren't you saying anything?
- Mm.
- I-19
Open your mouth.
Next, B-1!
I just sucked the chocolate off!
I swear!
Judas!
No, I don't see what the big deal is!
The money still goes to charity.
My hunger mixed with my anger
twisting my stomach like
a sponge being strained!
I had had enough.
B-1, as
in O-B-wan.
Can we talk?
- Kenobi
- Not here.
I love Star Wars! Anybody else?
I wish I had a light saber right now.
Alright, eat up.
This is gonna have
to do us until Monday.
You too.
I'm not really very hungry.
Not for this mish-mash, anyway.
Well, there are no more chocolates,
so it's this or nothing.
Oh, well, "nothing" sounds perfect.
I'll just have that, then.
I'll have his wieners and fish sticks.
My favourite!
Dick gorged himself like a stray dog
in a bologna factory dumpster.
Pile it high indeed.
- There.
- Thank you.
Jeez, Dick. How can you eat all that?
What?
Just a bit'a wieners,
peas, chocolate cake, eggs,
fish sticks, and
Mystery meat.
That's rainbow trout.
Oh.
Where's the gravy?
Oh.
There we go.
Get some on the cake.
Oh! Jeez.
Why do you even need a bike?
You already have one.
You wouldn't understand.
- Try me.
- I just need a new one, okay?
You mean you "want" a new one?
No!
I need one.
My dumb brothers wrecked
mine doing wheelies.
My house isn't like yours.
Sometimes it's just
Better not to be there.
So I just ride it not to
think about stuff, you know?
To me, the bike was a
prize I didn't even want.
But to Fox, it was everything.
Besides, all I've ever
had has been hand-me-downs.
Boy's bikes.
It's gross.
I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.
It don't matter now, anyways.
I'm out of time. No cheating, right?
Well, you made some money, though.
You know, that's what counts.
Look, give me your sheet.
I'll turn it in with mine.
Whatever. I should'a known.
I mean, when do I ever win, right?
Here. On the house.
Our Lord had gone 40 days and nights.
I had gone four hours and 14 minutes.
Surely that was close enough?
After all, did anyone even
care about the rules anymore?
"If you find honey, eat just enough.
Too much of it, and you will vomit."
Proverbs, 25:16.
Where did you get those almonds?
Can't talk with your mouth full?
Oh, you just ate up any
chance of winning that bike.
You're disqualified.
Now, go say seven Hail Mary's
and think about what you've done.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Mmm.
Mmm
Mmm!
Thank you, Tina.
Last call for collection sheets.
Thank you, Mark.
Thanks for not ratting me out.
Snitches get stitches, right?
Students
Uh, it appears we have a winner!
Mr. Chafe?
Thank you, Ms. Fowler.
So, the winner of the new bike is
Fox!
Fox?
How?
Come get your coupon. Congratulations.
Go on.
I copy off you enough to know
your handwriting when I see it.
Impossible!
It says your name right there.
Besides, I'm disqualified.
I don't need your charity.
I don't even know how to ride a bike.
But maybe you could teach me?
That and another box of
almonds should cover it.
Yeah
Maybe I should sleep
in the middle tonight.
Oh, I shouldn't have had thirds.
I shouldn't have had firsts.
Disgusting piggies.
The fridge is best kind now!
Oh, really? Oh, Dick!
How'd you get her fixed?
The condenser coils were dusty.
I knew that.
Jesus, b'y, Mary!
When was the last time
you cleaned back there?
There was enough dust
bunnies for a dozen easters.
Oh, you frig off back to
the hole you crawled out of!
Oh
Oh
Must have been the cod tongues.
Hm, yeah.
Selling almonds, staying up all night,
even putting on a concert
won't change the world.
For all our good intentions,
we didn't end world hunger.
We might not have changed
the world that night,
but I'm pretty sure I felt it move.
We often go through life not knowing
how hard other people have it.
We might set out to change
the world and realize
it's a little too big for us to do that.
But maybe, if we try,
we can change our little piece of it.
Because giving is good,
but sharing is great.
Okay, okay. I dunno.
Pedal, pedal. You got this.
- You've done it before, come on.
- Okay, there we go!
- Yeah!
- Yeah
Okay, yeah, I got it!
Turn, turn
Yeah, yeah, careful, careful, careful!
- Okay
- Okay!
- Yes, I did it!
- Yeah!
Yes, I got it! Woo!
Okay, keep going
- Yeah.
- Do it a little faster.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, come on.
Okay.