Space Force (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [rumbling.]
[rocket engine whooshing.]
[woman.]
To be honest, her grades aren't great.
- [Mark.]
Hmm.
- But Erin is a very special young lady, and I think that if she could keep a top GPA at a community college, that would be enough to get her into CU Denver in a couple of years.
Hey! Go Buffaloes.
University of Colorado would be lucky to have our daughter.
[chuckles.]
How about Brown? I'm a legacy.
Maybe I could get her an internship at Space Force.
That might help out, right? Oh.
Mark, maybe we should pay a coach to put her on the soccer team.
No, no, no, no.
People tried to do that, and they went to jail.
Like I care.
'Cause that extra three weeks would be insufferable.
My mom is in prison.
- I know.
- We don't need to talk about that.
Mrs.
Naird, I'm very impressed that, as a convict, you want a better life for your daughter.
How about a trade school? Concrete pouring is very hot these days.
Oh, you know, Louise was a cement mason.
Very strong union.
Louise is my mom's lover.
- All right.
- She's also her guard.
We don't need to talk about that.
Cement mason.
I guess I've heard worse ideas.
How do you feel about that? You like cement? That interest you? [upbeat marching tune plays.]
Naird, regarding this upcoming visit with the Chinese space agency to Wild Horse, the President wants you to strike a treaty with the Chinese to ensure that we share resources on the moon.
The space race is the new cold war.
The whole world is watching to see if we deserve to lead it.
We will crush them, sir.
We've got this in the bag.
But it's important that you show tact and civility.
We don't wanna come off like a bunch of cowboys.
- 1995 Super Bowl champs.
- All right.
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
This whole "yahoo" mentality.
And also, the Cowboys title was in 1996.
Well, don't I have egg on my face? Huh? Brad, you actually do have egg on your face.
I didn't have eggs for breakfast.
Huh.
Probably a story there.
[Tony.]
Okay, we just got a list of the Chinese delegates that are attending, and there are some heavy hitters on this list.
Highly decorated General Gao.
Got the head of science, Dr.
Zhang.
[Mallory.]
Dr.
Zhang? The same Dr.
Zhang who called me a duck and is a moon-landing denier? Dr.
Mallory, remember, diplomacy.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll show the ant-brained dunce a great time.
Also, the lead astronaut from the moon mission, Dr.
Lim.
Ooh.
Dr.
Lim is coming? Yeah, Dr.
Lim.
Yes.
Oh, he's the best.
He's the only person to ever beat me in Uno.
On the moon.
Yeah, he's very talented and smart.
He's a great guy.
I think we should honor our guests with an authentic Chinese banquet.
- Yes! That's a great idea.
- I have the Panda Express on speed dial.
Good luck with that.
Even the Panda Express here closed down because locals found the food too "spicy.
" You know, Mr.
Chu in San Francisco is an old friend of mine.
The Chus? Like, the top Michelin Chinese restaurant in all of California? We actually used to date, uh, but then he took the braised abalone off the menu, and I took the hint.
You know what, sir? I could actually teach you Chinese etiquette.
I spent some time over at Guangzhou for my term abroad.
I'm sorry, but there's no way you studied abroad and are still the way you are.
[speaks Mandarin.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Ah! And, uh, I can play the erhu, General.
- What? - What? What's the erhu? - A classic Chinese instrument.
- [Chan.]
Yeah.
It's basically our version of the violin.
Or, should I say, the violin is the bastardized Western version of our erhu.
Uh-oh! It's gorgeous.
It's got two strings.
It's made out of python skin.
Wow! You all seem to know a shitload about Chinese culture.
- Well, I'm Chinese.
- All right.
I have to cram.
Don't worry.
I am a quick study.
At the age of three, I learned how to tie my shoe in 15 minutes.
Oh, I love that story.
Wait.
Is it the left one for dessert and the right one for dinner? Yes.
I knew it.
- They're probably gonna give you a gift.
- Yes.
You wanna make sure you use both hands to receive and give gifts.
- Okay.
- And then you wanna take a little bow.
- But not too much.
- That's way too much.
- [Mark.]
Okay.
- You're out of control.
Yeah, past 45 degrees, you look Okay.
Like - I look - You look Japanese.
Is that bad? - Well, just - It's different.
- Confusing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Mark.]
Okay, so a small bow.
[Tony.]
There it is.
- Ooh! - Oh no.
You look like Quasimodo.
Hey, he was a good guy.
Got a raw deal.
- Yeah.
- Okay, follow me.
Set up this little tea thing for you.
- Forever learning.
 Forever learning.
- Yes.
When someone is pouring you tea, you wanna lightly tap the table with two fingers.
It's a sign of respect.
- That's great.
- Ah! In America, when you tap the table, it's a sign you want the blackjack dealer to give you another card.
Yes, Brad.
Every Chinese person's been to Vegas.
It's our Mecca.
Oh, well, except for the Muslim Chinese.
'Cause Mecca is their Mecca.
Okay, the key thing to remember - is family's extremely important.
- That's right.
Every Chinese parent loves to brag about their kids.
- You should bring Erin.
- I don't know if that's a good idea.
- It's a fantastic idea.
- Yes.
They would love her! I'm not sure she would even be able to come.
I could DM her right now and find out.
Mmm.
How important is this? [Tony inhales sharply.]
It's, like, the most important.
You know, the Chinese have a tremendous respect for elder statesmen.
We should invite one of the original Apollo astronauts.
Give Dr.
Zhang a piece of real American space history.
- Yes.
- That's a great idea.
- It is! - Let's try and get Lance Armstrong.
Yes.
Call Lance Armstrong, Brad.
I will do that right now.
Should talk about how you're gonna drink the tea.
- You don't gulp.
You sip.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Think he's actually gonna call Lance Armstrong? - [Brad.]
Hello.
- Hey, Brad? - [Brad.]
Yeah? - [Tony.]
Who you talkin' to, bud? [jet engines power down.]
Erin, I want you on your best behavior today.
I promise I won't start an international incident like you almost did.
Don't be fresh.
I want you to smile, to be polite.
And if your mother comes up, just say that she is taking some time for herself.
Yes.
20 to 30 years for herself.
[dramatic Western music playing.]
[softly.]
What the fuck are they wearing? [Erin chuckles.]
General Gao, welcome to Space Force.
General Naird, howdy.
This is my wife, Siu.
- Howdy.
- And my son, Jing.
Howdy.
It is a pleasure to meet you and your lovely family.
This is my daughter, Erin.
She's painfully shy.
And she hardly ever says anything.
'Sup? What a stunning young lady.
You must be proud.
Thank you.
And your son, he is also stunning.
He skipped two grades.
That is what we are most proud of.
Mm.
I, too, have skipped a few classes.
[Mark.]
Hmm.
A gift from us.
Moutai.
Ah.
My country's favorite liquor.
Very gracious of you, General.
We have a gift for you as well.
American cigars from the great state of Connecticut.
Perhaps the second- or third-best cigar in the world.
I was thinking that maybe later you and I could fire up a couple of those bad boys and discuss the division of lunar resources.
Perhaps.
Later.
[softly.]
Sir, slow down.
In China, they never discuss business right away.
Copy that.
Slow and steady wins the moon.
- Ah.
General, may I? - Oh, yes, Captain.
Yes.
[chuckling.]
Hey.
- [Tony.]
Wow.
Dr.
Lim.
- Hey.
Dr.
Lim is a smoke show.
I know.
If I were Angela, I would choose him over me too.
[Tony.]
What? Stop that.
I would have sex with you over him any day of the week.
- Really? - Yes.
I would ride you like a three-legged camel.
Aw, that's very sweet of you.
Of course.
So, what? What are you afraid of? That they did it on the moon? No.
I mean, he is, like, super good-looking.
- Very good-looking.
- And they're both astronauts.
One could be having a zero-gravity alcohol swab bath.
- The other one floats in accidentally - Okay.
and then they touch, and then her knee grazes the side of his perfect cheekbones.
- They have an intimate moment together.
- Super specific.
They lock eyes, and her face is flushed red.
Okay, you gotta stop.
You gotta stop.
Been thinking about it way too much, all right? You need to find out for sure.
You gotta confront this guy.
You should meet him outside the bathroom.
That's very creepy.
It is not.
Think about it.
Everybody has to go.
There's only one way in or out.
You're not making it less creepy.
Hello, Dr.
Zhang.
Dr.
Mallory.
Oh, well, at least this year, we've gotten each other's name right.
That's a big step.
Some might even say a giant leap.
Sure, sure.
Well, I have a gift for you, sir.
This is an art piece made by my fiancé.
She's very talented.
Actually, it's a he.
Jerome.
His pronouns are he/him.
Oh, I see.
Congratulations.
You two make for a very accomplished couple.
Does it bother you that we're a couple? No.
I said "congratulations.
" I see.
Well, thank you.
We're very happy.
Pardon? What? I didn't say anything.
Hey, it's cool.
He's cool.
Yeah.
We're good.
Dr.
Zhang, perhaps you'll have one of these someday.
This is our Space Hall of Heroes.
Armstrong, Aldrin, the first two men on the moon.
Twelve American astronauts had set foot on the moon [in Mandarin.]
Hollywood star.
[in English.]
by 1972.
Is that Bruce Willis? Very good actor.
He is a good actor.
That astronaut has a full head of hair though.
[in Mandarin.]
Wig.
[playing Chinese folk song on erhu.]
[in English.]
So, General, how was your flight? It was long.
I slept.
[Mark.]
Ah.
Sleep is good.
I like sleep.
[whispering.]
Ask him about Fan Bingbing.
- [softly.]
Who is that? - It's a famous Chinese actress.
Fan Bingbing.
He'll go crazy.
Fan Bingbing.
[regular voice.]
So, how about that Fan Bingbing? She's quite the actress.
She committed tax fraud.
[chuckles ruefully.]
Our government does not condone that kind of behavior.
[whispering.]
Oh, that's right.
Fan Bingbing Wesley-Sniped in China.
That was a huge mistake by me.
- [regular voice.]
Well - That's my bad.
Fan Bingbing must have been drinking too much Moutai when she did her taxes.
[laughs.]
- Wanna watch a funny video? - [whispers.]
Sure.
[whispering.]
Tom Brady.
[normal voice.]
Tom Brady.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, yes.
Yes.
[Gao.]
Very good football player.
Yes, he is.
He is a living legend.
You like football? I don't understand it.
Ah.
It's very confusing.
Your daughter is very charming.
[monkey shrieking on video.]
Hmm.
Oh my God.
I am so excited you're here.
Feel like I've been going out of my mind with nobody to talk to about what happened up there.
It's kind of wild being back, huh? They threw a parade for us in six different cities.
- We're national heroes.
- Ugh.
Doesn't it feel so fake though? I mean, 'cause you and I both know what went down was not exactly ideal.
[chuckles.]
We We witnessed horrible, private things.
A man ate a bird.
We drank each other's urine.
But now we drink mimosas.
Sure.
Um But, I mean, you just, like, cry randomly at night sometimes, right? - No.
- No? No.
Actually, that's very sad.
You should talk to somebody about that.
[Angela.]
Yeah, probably.
But what about all the, like, lies? Like selling our governments' bullshit propaganda? Propaganda? Hey, Dr.
Lim.
What's up? We were on the moon with you, bro.
Remember us? No.
Excuse me.
You should enjoy the celebration.
It's quite the special occasion.
Will do.
Can't beat an open bar.
[suspenseful music playing.]
'Sup? After you.
[continues soft melody.]
[Gao.]
This looks wonderful.
We certainly weren't expecting authentic Chinese food in Wild Horse.
Well, I guess we're not all cowboys, huh? [chuckling.]
After you.
[Gao, softly.]
Ah Oh, come on.
It's very delicate tofu.
[softly.]
Just use your Just use a fork.
[whispers.]
I might as well just burn a cross on his lawn.
- [Tony whispers.]
I'll pick up the bottom.
- No, I got it.
 I got it.
I got it.
[Tony.]
I'll help you out.
Just get down - [Mark.]
Oh - Gingerly, gingerly, gingerly [exhales.]
- [Mark.]
I got it.
- [Erin groans softly.]
Oh, f [Brad stops playing music.]
[Mark breathes shakily.]
- [Brad plays squeaky notes.]
- [glass clinking.]
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Mm! Delicious.
[Erin sighs.]
[Brad resumes playing normally.]
How did that go? - Super nice guy.
- Great.
High-level astrophysicist.
He's an Olympic triathlete.
Even gave me his WeChat contact so he can hang out with me in Beijing.
- You know what he's doing, right? - What? He's gassing you up so you'll let your guard down, then, "Ffft!" He's gonna steal your girl.
It's a classic move.
So you really think he's into Angela? There's, like, a thousand memes of her.
She's "Drummer Moon Girl," dude.
- [taps glass.]
- [music stops.]
Thank you, General Gregory.
That's what I call music.
I would like to propose a toast to our esteemed guests.
May our friendship be as great as your wall.
Neighbors on Earth.
Oh.
All right.
[indistinct chatter.]
And to the scientists and astronauts of both of our countries as they explore space and see what's out there together.
[agreeable murmurs.]
And I would like to welcome our guest of honor this evening.
- A true pioneer.
- [table squeaks.]
One of the original 12 heroic Americans who walked on the moon, a warm welcome to Gus Kelly.
Cheers.
[applause.]
Very good performance on the moon.
Very believable.
He's a real astronaut, you imbecile.
- Adrian - [low murmurs.]
- [table scraping loudly.]
- Ow.
I have a toast.
To a local celebrity and his acting talent.
Shao Jun.
Haven't I seen him in the movies? Maybe Independence Day? Oh, the Space Jam with Michael Jordan.
[overlapping murmurs.]
I put my boots on the moon, and I'll put my boot up your ass if you don't shut up.
Well put, Commander.
Maybe you should bring your stunt double for that.
- Yeah.
- [table bangs.]
- [people gasping.]
- [camera clicking.]
Shit.
All righty.
Hold on.
Adrian.
Adrian.
Stop it! He started it.
Time to go.
- [Mark.]
All right.
Okay.
- Come on.
[Tony.]
You don't have to leave.
We have dessert coming.
No? [Chan.]
Yep.
Red bean cake.
[indistinct chatter.]
[sighs.]
General Gao.
Uh - [Gao exhales.]
- [Mark sighs.]
- General Naird.
That was - [exhales heavily.]
What is the football term? A fumble.
My sincere apologies, General.
You know how headstrong these scientists can be.
I do.
Dr.
Zhang is a constant nag in my ear.
And mine is a pain in the ass.
Can't live with them - but you can't shoot them.
- Can't shoot them.
[laughs.]
I still have time for a drink.
If you want, maybe we can share a bottle of Moutai.
It would be my pleasure.
- No way he can handle the Moutai.
- Mm.
After three drinks, we get whatever we want.
Chinese people love to do business over drinks, but you gotta handle your alcohol so you don't get the short end of the deal.
I'll be fine.
No, Moutai's a totally different beast.
One time, I drank half a bottle I ended up in a quinceañera dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
General, to be safe, you should coat your tongue with cod liver oil.
- Isn't that from I Love Lucy? - That's where I saw it.
Huh, great minds.
No.
You just chug a bottle of Pedialyte.
How would you know about that? Know how you fix your phone in rice? Eat rice.
Your stomach becomes the phone.
Maybe a teaspoon of yeast in some yogurt.
That'll break down the enzymes.
I should probably call an ambulance now, get it out of the way.
I don't need any of that.
I know how to hold my liquor.
Everybody out.
- Brad, Erin? - Yeah.
Brad, we have known each other a long time.
- You know when I've hit my limit.
- Yes.
When that time comes, give Erin the signal.
Yes, General.
Okay.
We've got you, Dad.
We're gonna talk about the Pedialyte later.
Gānbēi.
- Mmm.
Very smooth.
- [Gao exhales.]
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
- Another? - Why not? [classic Western dueling music plays.]
[Gao exhales dramatically.]
We came here to make a deal, General, so I will make it simple from my end.
60/40 split on the Sea of Tranquility, but we keep the H2.
70/30 for us, and we split the H2 50/50.
60/40, you can have 20% of H2.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not gonna work.
We are not going to take the short end of this deal, General.
I'm not sure if you're aware of it or not, but the United States has the highest GDP in the world.
Not for long.
[Western dueling music continues.]
[man whistling tune.]
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
[both chuckle.]
So, uh, Dr.
Lim, huh? Yeah.
He's, uh, nice.
Good-looking guy too.
Oh, is he? I guess.
I mean, if you're into, uh, tall astrophysicists, you know.
I mean, some women prefer shorter men who haven't been on the moon.
You know, I'm not into Dr.
Lim.
- So - Mm! Yeah, no, we're, um, you know, friends.
At best.
Why do guys always think a woman has to be, like, with a dude? - You see a guy, "Are you with him?" - No.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm just making an observation because I'm a scientis I'm leaving.
t.
She put him in the friend zone.
[laughs.]
[exclaims excitedly.]
[Mark.]
Mm.
[sighs heavily.]
70/30 on H2.
Final offer.
[exhales.]
General, how old is your son? Jing? He just turned ten.
[Mark whispers.]
Ten.
[laughs.]
I remember when Erin was ten.
She was such a little peach.
Your daughter is lovely, General.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah, she's a good kid.
She just hasn't been her best recently.
It's probably my fault.
The job, you know.
Moving around so much.
Don't blame yourself, General.
Your work is important to your country.
Well, I hope you're right.
You know as well as anybody that it's hard to serve your country and be a good dad.
My son once said to me, "Just because you are the general at work doesn't make you the general at home.
" [laughs.]
Erin said the exact same thing to me when she was in sixth grade.
The little shit.
[glasses clink.]
[sighs.]
General, what do you say we put our differences aside and just split this damn thing down the middle? 50/50.
For the next generation.
For Jing, for Erin.
[Gao taps knuckles on table.]
- [softly.]
Oh! They're standing.
- I can see that.
General, has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes? [softly.]
Mayday! Mayday! Extract the asset.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- We did it.
We did it, honey.
- Yeah? All right.
- Brad, you magnificent bastard.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh! General Gao's such a nice guy.
- Cucumbers.
- No, no, no.
Ah.
Mmm.
[Erin.]
God! [thuds.]
- [Mark burps.]
- Ugh.
- [Mark laughs.]
- [Erin chuckles.]
Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin.
You know, you can always talk to me.
Hmm.
About anything, honey.
Boys, girls, dinosaurs.
Okay.
Dad.
[laughs.]
You're wasted.
No.
I'm Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Erin, how did you know to tap on the table? How did you know that? Well, my best friend was Chinese.
Back in D.
C.
- You know, when I used to have friends.
- Wow! Friends.
I have some friends.
My Your mom is my friend.
Dr.
Mallory's my friend.
Brad.
Chan.
The woman from the cafeteria.
- Those are just people you work with, Dad.
- Hashtag blessed.
Blergh.
- God, you are drunk.
- Oh man.
Okay.
Pull over, honey.
Pull over.
Pull over.
I'm gonna go I'm gonna.
I'm gonna ralph.
- Oh God.
- I'm gonna I'm gonna ral [moans.]
- [heaves.]
- [Erin.]
You okay? [gagging dramatically.]
Oh no.
No.
No.
False alarm.
- Go ahead.
Whew.
- Can I Okay.
Whew.
I thought I was gonna Whew.
I "Mou-tied" one on.
Okay, pull over, hon.
- Oh God.
- Pull over.
I gotta go.
It's gonna happen.
[heaving.]
[grunting.]
Oh [retching.]
Nope.
Nothin'.
Nothin'.
- [Mark.]
Here we go! - All right.
You ready? - Okay, watch out.
Okay, be careful.
- Here we go, go, go, go, go.
Let's go.
That's good.
I'm gonna go in here.
- Okay.
- Let's do that.
- Okay.
- I need a little couchy-wowchy.
[Erin.]
All right.
Let's go.
Be careful.
- I'm on the couch.
Oh! - All right.
Let's take your shoes off.
- Yeah? - Okay.
Thank you.
There are my toes.
- [laughs.]
Yeah.
Those are your toes.
- There they are.
That was a good night.
- Big win.
Big win for Space Force.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
- Feels good to have a win.
- Yeah.
- You know who's funny? - Who? Brad.
[snorting.]
Yeah.
Brad is definitely something.
[laughing.]
Oh! [sighs.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, hon.
I'm really [exhales.]
I was really proud of you tonight.
- [soft guitar notes play.]
- You did a great job.
[voice breaks.]
And I think that sometimes I don't give you enough credit.
I'm sorry.
Oh God.
I don't want you to see Ugh.
All right.
I wanna go to sleep.
I am not gonna remember any of this.
[soft guitar notes continue.]
It's okay.
I will.
[snorting.]
Brad.
[snort-chortling.]
Mmm.
[theme music playing.]