Speechless (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 All right, I've called you all here to ask for your support.
- Taylor, my girlfriend - We know Taylor.
You don't have to specify that she's your girlfriend - every time.
- I actually thought her full name was "Taylormygirlfriend.
" Now, wh I don't always say it! Now, if I can please continue Taylor [Softly.]
my girlfriend - [Sighs.]
- [Normal voice.]
will be coming over today to celebrate our 100 day-th anniversary.
That's not a thing.
And if it were, 100 "day-th" is not how you'd say it.
"In a lot of movies, the pretty girl dates the dork for a bet.
I still think this is that.
" Good.
This happens to be exactly why I wanted to talk.
I want you to get this all out before she gets here.
Insults, embarrassing stories Let's do this! The time that cat chased Ray down the sewer.
Remember when he ran into the glass sliding door three times at the same pool party? Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Or the time he moonwalked at the sixth-grade talent show.
Yeah, it looked like a horse was counting.
[Grunting, snorting.]
- You weren't even there for that.
- [Laughter.]
Yeah, well, I wasn't there when they shot Lincoln, either.
But a thing's bad enough, word gets around.
Come on.
You guys can do better than that.
What about all the cringy puns with my name My "Ray-cation" or when I threw myself a "Ray-pride" parade? Or the multiple times I was catfished? How about my see-saw accident that "America's Funniest Home Videos" deemed too crotch-violent to air? My high-heel experiment? Taylor.
I knocked, but no one answered.
Um I don't know if I want to do this in front of everyone, but Happy 100 Day-th Anniversa-Ray! What?! [Chuckles.]
Wow.
There really is someone for everyone.
[Laughter.]
Maya: Listen, Doctor, my friend's son has an untreated stone fruit allergy.
You'll see him this week, or I'll have 15 moms come to your office and hurl peaches at you.
Friday at 2:00.
Yeah, thank you so much.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
- Where's Jimmy? Well, he came home from work and collapsed.
This promotion's really taking it out of him.
I hope you know how silly you sound, Kenneth, 'cause I am thriving.
What? I let you keep the fancy one.
Jimmy, why are you so bloody tired? Yeah, isn't the whole point of being the boss so you can make other people tired? Yeah, but I've been working with these guys for a really long time.
And by "working," I mean Can someone make air quotes for me? "working.
" I find it weird to suddenly be ordering them around.
But I'm managing.
Enh.
Eh, eh.
Ehh [Cellphone rings.]
- Hello? - [Groans.]
Stand down, Greer.
I got you the appointment.
Is there nothing this special-needs-mom phone tree cannot do? Right.
And you won't be needing all those peaches after all.
Oh, you did? I don't know.
Maybe a cobbler? My mom's always helping her special-needs-mom friends, too.
Yep, that's my mom Always a helper, no downside.
I just love how we're so in syn In sync! Whoa.
That was crazy.
It's amazing how alike our families are, how we're both so devoted to our brothers.
There he is The light of my life.
All right, bring it in.
Come on.
Ow! You jerk! That kills! Ray! That's your brother! Ohhh you thought I was mad? Oh, no, it's just a catchphrase in our family.
Hey, you jerk.
That kills.
How did you even know I was gonna do this? Ow! Okay, then.
I guess it seems we're not so in sync on everything.
Are you breaking up with me?! No, I'm just seeing that we have some differences.
No, we don't.
Please.
I'm a little over the top.
I started a 5K run for my brother.
Are you telling me you didn't hear about the thing I started for JJ? You started a charity for your brother, too? What's it called? JJ's Dream.
Oh, great name.
- It is, right? - [Chuckles.]
So, we're still in sync.
Just two crazy kids with special-needs siblings who they love more than anything else in this world.
[Whispers.]
I hate you so much right now.
All right, guys, I'm still a little sore from yesterday, so I'm gonna need everyone to pitch in.
- [Indistinct shouting.]
- We got a plane to load.
Nothing! Way wide! Let's go, Undercover Boss! I'm not an undercover boss.
This is my real hair.
I want to believe you, man, but that is what an undercover boss would say.
Last hole, Jimmy, all right? I'm five under! Wow.
All right, um, finish strong, meet me on the tarmac.
- [Cheering.]
- Booyah! [Laughs.]
Hold the plane! We know you have a choice in carriers! You chose wrong! Okay, another leg lift.
Good! Good.
[Sighs.]
Hi, JJ.
Hey, JJ's physical therapist.
I've been working with him for five years.
You should know my name.
Do you know mine? Well played, JJ's sister.
- Hey! - Ohh! What is wrong with you? This is my space.
Man, I was hiding.
She doesn't know I'm here.
Ever since Joyce and I almost got together "Joyce"! Hey, Joyce! Kenneth is in here! Joyce: I knew it! [Indistinct shouting.]
So, good news.
Found the bass, found the dog.
Lost the dog.
- Maya! Hi.
- [Cheering.]
Hi, darling.
I thought I'd surprise you with lunch.
Great.
You know the crew.
Oh, yeah.
Undercover Boss, High Waist, Has-to-Pee.
Darling.
You shouldn't be doing their work.
You're the boss now.
Command them.
I don't know how to be the heavy.
Then just be me being the heavy.
Imagine you're me when we're in the hospital with JJ.
My son is suffering! And you're all just standing around, doing nothing! He's had his meds.
This isn't about meds! You gave him applesauce! He doesn't care for applesauce! He needs pudding! Give my son his pudding!! That tone got us a lot of pudding.
Try it.
Go on.
Get that pudding, Jimmy.
Get it.
I said get back to work! Maya: Mm.
I feel like an old man changing a digital clock.
I can do this! Hmm! You make a rather sexy Maya, too.
Thank you.
Uh, so do you.
Mm.
Dylan: This is all vegetables.
Where is my meat? [Sighs.]
You! I was saving that! I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry" is not going to cut it.
The summer was so glorious.
We had baseball and fireflies and no you! Now everywhere I turn, there you ar [Chomps.]
Did you just take another bite? You know I stress-eat, Dylan! [Keyboard clacking.]
Hey, can you explain something? I keep trying to search "JJ's Dream," but nothing comes up.
No online presence.
That's part of what sank us.
I've been waiting for the right time to tell you.
JJ's Dream is dead.
But what happened? It's a tough time for charities.
You go home tonight, [Voice breaking.]
you find that 5K and you hold it tight, 'cause you just don't know.
[Sighs.]
I'm so, so sorry.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Some water would be nice.
"Water"? Sure.
Pretty girl on the bed.
Time for some water! JJ! I heard about your dream.
"You did? It might not have even been you.
" "It was a C-O-M Composite of a lot of peop" What? N I mean the charity.
[Chuckles nervously.]
The one Ray started to honor you.
Such a sweet thing.
Whoa! Hey, guys.
"So, my C-H charity" Oh, yeah, I-I was just honest with Taylor and how we're out of money.
Let's just drop it.
"But we'll make money at the big F-U-N Fundraiser this Saturday.
" Oh! There's a fundraiser? No, there's no fundraiser.
"Yes.
At the A-S-H Ashcroft.
You must come.
" I wouldn't miss it! The fundraiser was canceled, remember? "P-A Pamela e-mailed.
It's back on.
" That's impossible! Pamela's dead! "Not Pamela A.
Pamela G.
" Well, this is great! I don't know.
She just died.
"We'll do it for Pamela.
And you.
You W-O You worked so hard.
You're going to get what you D-E deserve.
" Oh, I'm so excited! Here's your water.
- [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
I was trying not to startle you! What better place would you stand if you were trying to startle me?! Listen, I thought about what you had to say about me being in your space, and I get it.
When I was a kid, I had to share a room with my two sisters.
That was bad enough.
And then she came Aunt Martha.
Every time I turned around, she was in my face! I couldn't escape that woman.
A few years in she died.
And you felt terrible? [Laughs.]
It was the best day of my life! The woman was horrible.
My point is, I will not be your Aunt Martha.
From now on, you'll never see me in this house again ever.
This house is way too small.
It would be impos Dang! Undercover Boss, back to work.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In a bit, Jimmy.
Now.
You can play luggage golf on your break.
But I'm on a hot streak here.
Hey, actually, you know what Can you film this? No, I've tried doing my best "Maya.
" He's immune.
No, no.
J-Just tell him more forcefully to go back to work.
Hey! I'm talking to you! What's with you, Jimmy? Oh, see? You've got his attention.
Go on.
Put the bag down now.
Ooh, that was very Maya, wasn't it? It was also very hot.
Or what? Do you want to find out? That's it, baby.
Yeah, be me for Mommy.
Nice shot.
You're fired.
Yeah, that's right! Who else wants some? I do! I do! Me! Me! Get home quickly! So, this is the Balboa Room.
It's our most popular event space.
Is this kind of what you had in mind? You know, Marci, today I'm just exploring the possibilities, getting the juices flowing.
Okay.
Uh, when is the event? [Shakily.]
It's tomorrow.
Oh.
My.
Um well, the room is available tomorrow.
- Feels meant to be.
- [Chuckles.]
Now, I see that the space is empty.
I'm guessing the hotel provides tables, chairs guests? Well, traditionally, the host provides the guests.
[Scoffs.]
I'm not fancy like that.
[Both laugh.]
All right, now let's talk cost.
Of course.
This is our proposal.
Oh, it's in its own folder.
[Chuckles.]
Yes.
You know, I was hoping that the fact that it's for a charity might factor into the cost.
JJ's Dream does some very important work.
What exactly is it that you do? What might you like us to do? Can I have the folder back? Yes, you can.
[Sighs.]
Kenneth: "I W-A want some chips.
" Sure thing.
Gotcha! Oh.
Okay, big man.
I guess there's nothing I can do to lure you out.
Jazz is lame! Hot tubs are lame! That's all I know about you! I've been a very bad employee.
I've been late, I've stolen office supplies, I microwaved fish in the break room.
Please stop.
Why? I'm tired, had an awful day, and Kenneth is very clearly standing in our closet.
Oop! Sorry.
I was just hiding from Dylan.
I didn't see any sexy role play.
[Trills, chuckles.]
[Door opens.]
Work was a nightmare.
We got so much done.
Everyone's doing their jobs, but they're all afraid of me.
Where's the fun in that? Well, you're the boss.
It's not supposed to be fun.
It can be a little fun.
It's not my dream career.
The nicknames, the games That's all for me.
You know another airline scooped up Undercover Boss? Oh, no.
I didn't watch the news today.
I tried to be you.
I'm not you.
Then you've got to try and find a way to be the boss and be you.
Such a shame, though.
Stern Jimmy really worked for me.
Like, really.
Oh, sorry.
[Sighs.]
It was nice being the kind of boss that turns you on, but I need to be the kind of boss that turns me on.
[Sniffs.]
Is that a gas leak? A gas leak! So, this fake JJ's Dream was supposed to do what? I came up with it last night.
JJ's Dream builds accessible playgrounds where kids of all abilities can play together.
Kind of nice, right? "She'd love you for that.
Pass.
" Oh, JJ, isn't it a lovely thing your liar brother isn't doing? It doesn't matter.
I don't have to really do it.
The gas leak in the kitchen gave me an idea.
Taylor and I will get to the hotel, I'll get a text on my phone saying that there's a gas leak and that the fundraiser's off.
All you guys have to do is show up and act disappointed.
Well, we won't have to act disappointed, darling.
Now we're all getting dragged into your latest moonwalk.
You lied.
Deal with it.
We all lie.
Our family crest is Pinocchio pushing a wheelchair.
Wait.
There's a gas leak in our kitchen? JJ, I was wrong to use you to score points with Taylor.
I'm sorry.
But making me do this fundraiser What do you get out of this? "This.
" So that's it? No one's gonna help me? When JJ's in trouble, you guys do anything to help him.
Mom, you've got a phone tree full of strangers who you'd kill for, but you won't do this one thing for me! Ray, wait.
And this is a perfectly acceptable moonwalk.
Okay, this might be the gas leak talking, but I think his moonwalk's gotten pretty sharp.
It's no fun to watch Ray suffer, but he did bring it on himself.
Jimmy: "No.
I B-R Brought it on him.
" So what? You're a big brother.
Big brothers make little brothers pay.
"They also H-E Help sometimes.
Maybe it's time Ray gets a W-I" Oh, win "Ray gets a win.
" Ray gets a win.
All: [Chanting.]
Ray gets a win.
- Ray gets a win.
- Yeah.
He'll fail on his own terms.
He'll fail on his own terms! He'll fail on his own terms! He'll fail on his own terms! Excuse me.
I'm here for Undercover Boss.
- Who? - Oh, sorry.
Uh, Joe? Medium height, fake-looking goatee? You mean '80s Magician? Oh, my God.
He does look like an '80s magician.
He really does.
Doesn't matter.
I'm hiring him back.
No way.
He adds character to my crew.
I-I'll play you for him.
- What? - One round of luggage golf.
I win, I get him back.
And if I win? Then you can have any member of my crew.
Long Hair Bald, Too Handsome, Old Pregnant.
You're the best around Nothing's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Nothing's gonna ever keep you down Give it up, Jimmy.
You need to sink this to win.
[Whispers.]
It ain't happening.
I think you underestimate how much I screwed around before I was in charge.
You're the best around That's my boss! What's going on here? I just won you back in a high-stakes game of luggage golf.
You're working for me again.
Wait, you won me? What, like a Some kind of carnival prize? Call me a rock-hard Minion full of sawdust, because I am yours.
[Laughter.]
Boss move, Jimmy! You'd know.
Okay, and reach.
Reach.
Get those toes.
You got this.
- [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
Oh.
Huh.
I'm a coward.
You're not safe with me.
Sorry, Joyce.
I-I thought you were Kenneth.
Where is he? "He went home.
" Aww.
Already? "You miss him.
" Huh.
I guess I kind of do.
Yeah.
Let's torch his car.
Ray, are you okay? You look really nervous.
Yeah, it's just normal pre-gala jitters.
The day I don't get these, I'll know it's time to get out of the gala game.
Hold on.
I'm getting a text.
I hope it's not bad news.
Oh, no! There's been a gas le Ray, it's your parents! Mom.
Dad.
You're here.
You must've heard about the gas Taylor, don't you look lovely.
Darling, we're so proud of you.
Tonight's gonna be awesome.
Wait! No! The gas leak! It's gonna blow! [Big-band music plays.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
This is amazing, Ray! [Thud.]
Ray? - Ooh.
- Ohh.
Are you okay? Sorry.
Didn't faint.
Slipped.
I'm gonna go check it out.
[Music continues.]
Ray: What happened? What is this all? Your brother thought you deserved a win.
So your mother sent a flare up the special-needs-mom phone tree.
Greer has a hookup at the hotel.
Helen has a catering company, so there's food.
But just for Taylor.
But all the people? Oh, Danica She runs 12-step programs.
Each table is a different addiction.
Ah, but tonight, they're all addicted to helping you.
And also still drugs.
[Laughs.]
So I only hide from you when we're at home.
So, how does such a pretty girl get addicted to such an ugly thing? Fine.
Act like I'm not even here.
Isn't that what you want? You're not Aunt Martha.
I don't want you dead.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I didn't realize how fun you are.
Come back.
I will.
But I need to ask you something first.
Where the hell am I, what is JJ's Dream, and can a brother get some food?! Attention, everyone.
The big moment has arrived.
It's now time to present the JJ's Dream "Dreamer of the Year Award" to Ray DiMeo! [Applause.]
Whoo! I had to swipe this from reception, but congrats on being such a great hotel.
[Clears throat.]
Wow.
I-I don't know what to say.
I'd like to thank Taylor.
I'd also like to thank my family.
Taylor's my girlfriend.
[Clears throat.]
Mom, Dad, Dylan, JJ, you had my back when I needed you.
You've done so much, I feel kind of bad.
Wait.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm doing this charity! Like, for real.
JJ's Dream is a reality.
We're doing this.
Thank you, everyone.
Good night.
[Applause.]
I'm so proud of you.
I just have one question.
Up there, you said you were doing it.
But what exactly does JJ's Dream do? "It B-U-I builds P-L playgrounds so kids of all A-B-I abilities can play T-O together.
" [Gasps.]
That is such a beautiful idea.
[Whispers.]
I love you so much right now.
Owwwww! [Sighs.]
Man, he's good.