Spin City s02e03 Episode Script

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SLEEP IN AT HOME, BUT I DON'T GENERALLY ALLOW COWBOY BOOTS IN MY BED.
YOU AFRAID THEY MIGHT SCUFF YOUR NFL SHEETS? I THINK WE CAN BOTH BE PROUD OF WHAT WE DID TO THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS TONIGHT.
I GUESS THIS IS GOOD NIGHT.
OH.
YOU KNOW, LISTEN.
I'M SORRY.
I, UH I SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING EARLIER, BUT, UH YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY HERE TONIGHT IF YOU'D LIKE TO.
OH.
DID I JUST GET THE OBLIGATORY INVITE? WELL, IT WOULD ONLY SEEM FAIR AFTER YOUR OBLIGATORY BEST SEX I EVER HAD.
UH, LOOK, MIKE, I APPRECIATE THE OFFER, BUT I GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY TOMORROW.
I LIKE MY SPACE WHEN I SLEEP, AND BESIDES ALL MY STUFF IS AT HOME.
ALL MY STUFF IS AT HOME.
THAT'S MY LINE.
I MEAN, I'VE SAID THAT, LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES.
LOOK, MIKE, WHAT WE JUST DID DOESN'T REALLY CHANGE OUR RELATIONSHIP.
AU CONTRAIRE.
I THINK IT MAKES IT WAY BETTER.
LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEND ME FLOWERS, ALL RIGHT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME.
I'M THE SAME GIRL I WAS YOU WANNA BE A PAL AND ROUND THAT UP TO AN HOUR? GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
WOW, I FEEL SO USED.
YES! WHOA! YEAH! I TAKE IT THINGS WENT WELL WITH LAURIE OVER THE WEEKEND? WELL, THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHETHER YOU'RE WRONG OR WHETHER YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLY RIGHT.
O.
K.
, CHANGING THE SUBJECT, THERE'S A RESERVED DIPLOMATIC PARKING SPACE ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE, NOWHERE NEAR THE UNITED NATIONS OR ANY OF THE EMBASSIES, AND HERE'S THE FUNNY PART-- STUART, IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR APARTMENT.
REALLY? AND THE CAR THAT PARKS THERE, IT'S THE SAME ONE YOU DRIVE TO WORK EVERY DAY.
O.
K.
THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.
WELL, THE SPOT'S GONE, THE CAR'S TOWED, AND PAY THESE TICKETS AT YOUR LEISURE.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET OUT THERE AND HEY, LET'S GOVERN THIS CITY.
IT'S A NEW LINE.
I'M TRYING IT OUT.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
HEY, JAMES, WANT TO GET TOGETHER FOR LUNCH? SORRY, CARTER, I CAN'T.
HEY, SCOOTER, WHY DO YOU DISAPPEAR EVERY DAY AT LUNCH? IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
PERSONAL LIKE A SICK RELATIVE OR PERSONAL LIKE A RASH? I'D JUST RATHER KEEP IT TO MYSELF.
RASH.
SIR, JANELLE HAS BEEN WORKING WITH US FOR SOME TIME NOW.
NO RAISES, MIKE.
THAT SETTLES THAT.
UH-UH! MR.
MAYOR, WE BOTH KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A GOOD ASSISTANT IN NEW YORK CITY.
Intercom: SIR, MIKE AND JANELLE WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.
MR.
MAYOR, I WOULD EVEN BE IN HERE ASKING, BUT SOMEONE ABOLISHED RENT CONTROL.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME THINK ABOUT IT.
I PLAN TO DO SOME THINKING THIS AFTERNOON.
I'LL TRY TO SQUEEZE IT IN.
GOING SOMEWHERE, JAMES? UHLUNCH.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG? A BIG LUNCH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR LIFE IS SO HOLLOW, SO MEANINGLESS, THAT YOU WOULD FOLLOW-- ARE YOU COMING OR NOT? LET ME GET MY COAT.
DID LAURIE CALL FOR ME? EVEN BETTER.
SHE STOPPED BY.
GREAT.
I THOUGHT WE COULD EATTALK MAYBEMAKE OUT A LITTLE.
AND THEY SAY IT'S HARD TO GET IN TO SEE THE DEPUTY MAYOR.
UH, LISTEN, I'LL JUST BE A FEW MINUTES.
NO BIGGIE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? NO BIGGIE.
I COULD GO IN NOW.
I COULD GO IN LATER.
I COULD STAND OUT HERE AND DANCE A LITTLE JIG.
AND IT'S NO BIGGIE.
I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT WOMAN.
I USED TO THINK CLAUDIA WAS THE PERFECT WOMAN UNTIL SHE RIPPED MY HEART OUT.
BELIEVE YOU ME, MIKE, THEY'RE ALL COMMITMENT-HUNGRY BUNDLES OF PURE EVIL! CANCEL PAUL'S LUNCH WITH THE WOMEN'S CAUCUS.
YO, JAMES! I THINK YOU REACH A POINT IN DATING WHEN IT'S SMART TO FIND OUT THE OTHER PERSON'S VIEWS, YOU KNOW, THEIR BELIEF SYSTEM, REALLY THEIR OUTLOOK ON LIFE.
HIT ME.
THIN ELVIS OR FAT ELVIS? FAT ELVIS.
CIGARS IN PUBLIC PLACES? YOU GOT A MATCH? WOOP-WOOP-WOOP-WOOP! VERY IMPRESSIVE.
THE JUDGES ARE BESIDE THEMSELVES.
NOW FOR THE DISMOUNT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT COMMITMENT? NOT LOOKING FOR IT.
SHE STICKS THE LANDING! LOOK, MIKE, I'VE BEEN DONE THAT PATH BEFORE, YOU KNOW.
I'M JUST REALLY NOT LOOKING FOR THAT NOW.
I'M WORKING ON MYSELF AND MY CAREER.
I'M REALLY JUST LOOKING TO HAVE SOME FUN.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WHICH IS WHY I PROPOSED.
HOW ABOUT DINNER TONIGHT? CAN'T.
MY MOM'S IN TOWN FOR OUR BIANNUAL "WHY DON'T I HAVE GRANDCHILDREN?" DINNER.
YIKES.
LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS.
THERE'S REALLY NO REASON I COULDN'T COME BY, IF YOU WANT.
I DON'T KNOW, MEETING EACH OTHER'S PARENTS? IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
(THINKING) LOOK, SHE DOESN'T WANT COMMITMENT.
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO MEET HER MOM.
NOW LEAVE IT ALONE.
I COULD JUST DROP BY.
IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MIKE, I'M NOT SURE THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.
RIGHT.
SAY NO MORE.
I KNOW HOW MOMS ARE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT.
BELIEVE ME, I DON'T WANT TO GO.
YES, YOU DO! OH, NO, I DON'T.
WHAT? NOTHING.
JAMES, I SAID I WAS SORRY O.
K.
, PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME.
WE AREN'T TALKING.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
WHY WOULD YOU FEEL YOU HAD TO HIDE THIS? AYE, AYE, CAP'N! WHEN'S THE NEXT CRUISE TO THE GEEK ISLANDS? I GUESS I THOUGHT STUART WOULD MAKE FUN OF ME.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA WASTE YOUR TIME OUT THERE WITH THOSE BOATNIKS, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO WIN THAT RACE THEY HAVE EVERY DAY? DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
DON'T LET HIM CORRUPT SOMETHING SO PURE.
LIFE IS ABOUT DOMINATING OTHER PEOPLE.
LIFE IS ABOUT FINDING INNER PEACE! O.
K.
YOU GUYS ARE WEIRDING ME OUT.
SO I'M TAKING MY BOAT AND LITTLE JAMES, AND I AM GOING HOME.
WHOA! THAT'S LITTLE JAMES? UH-HUH.
I MADE HIM MYSELF.
SO WHEN YOU SAID YOU SPENT LAST NIGHT SHELLACKING LITTLE JAMES YOU WERE BEING LITERAL? WHAT DID YOU THINK? NOTHING.
JUST FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT BUFFING LITTLE STUART.
WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? MORAL SUPPORT.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
ANYTHING FOR YOU, JANELLE.
YOU'RE STILL GONNA GET ME THOSE EXTRA YOU GOT IT.
I AM SO SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
(INTERCOM BUZZER) SIR, YOUR CAR'S READY.
IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MANSION.
NADINE, I'M AT THE OFFICE.
OHTHEN IT'LL BE A FEW MINUTES.
CAN YOU BELIEVE HER? SHE'S NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.
HA HA HA! HER I.
Q.
HITS 40, SHE SHOULD SELL.
JANELLE, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THAT RAISE.
THANK YOU, MR.
MAYOR.
AS LONG AS WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF RAISES PAUL, FETCH MY COGNAC AND 2 SNIFTERS SO WE CAN CELEBRATE.
YOU BETCHA, SIR.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BOTH GONNA BE WINNERS TODAY, HUH? IF IT'S O.
K.
WITH YOU, I'M GIVING YOU A PROMOTION AS WELL.
I CAN FIND A WAY TO LIVE WITH THAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO BE MY ASSISTANT.
MR.
MAYOR, I'M HONORED, BUT, SIR, NADINE'S YOUR ASSISTANT.
NO, I FIRED HER SHE JUST HASN'T CHECKED HER VOICEMAIL YET.
YOU KNOW, THE WAITER IS HANDSOME.
HE'S GAY.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FIND SOME LITTLE FLAW TO PICK AT.
LAURIE? UNBELIEVABLE! YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT THE ODDS ARE HERE? OHABOUT ZERO? I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING OUR OWN THING TONIGHT.
YEAH, I'M JUST MEETING A BUDDY.
OH.
CAROL PARRES.
PLEASE, JOIN US.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SIT DOWN.
YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS.
PRETEND YOU'RE SLEEPWALKING.
UHMIKE FLAHERTY.
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
LISA GARRETT JUST GOT ENGAGED.
I GUESS SHE'S THE LAST TO GO.
WAIT A SECOND.
WHO AM I FORGETTING? SUBTLE, MOM.
DID YOU HEAR JENNY GOT MARRIED? YES, MOM.
SHE'S MY SISTER.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS HERE, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TALKED TO MIKE ABOUT IT YET, BUTMIKE AND I AREN'T JUST DATING.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER BEEN IN.
I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.
OH! YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH! IF THIS GOES ANY FURTHER, I MAY HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
BREATHE, MOM! AND UH--YOU'RE THE DEPUTY MAYOR? OF THE WHOLE CITY.
I HAVE TO CALL SYLVIA AND TELL HER THAT HER DOCTOR SON-IN-LAW CAN KISS MY ASS.
I AM SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP.
I AM SO GLAD I CAME.
YOU WERE AMAZING.
YOU WERE AMAZING.
SHE TOTALLY BOUGHT IT.
YEAH.
WHAT? THIS'LL KEEP MY MOM OFF MY BACK FOR 6 MONTHS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YEAH--NO PROBLEM.
IT WAS UH-- IT WAS FUN PRETENDING.
LOOK, I'M GONNA MAKE SURE SHE GETS HOME O.
K.
, BUT AFTER THAT, I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR PLACE.
I WANNA DELIVER YOUR ACADEMY AWARD PERSONALLY.
BYE.
(WHIRRING) LISTEN TO THAT BABY GO! STUART, I'M NOT PUTTING A BLENDER ENGINE IN MY BOAT.
JAMES, YOU'RE GOING TO WAR.
SOME GUY COMES AT YOU WITH AN AK-47, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.
MAKE HIM A DAIQUIRI? STUART, THE GUY DOESN'T WANNA RACE.
JAMES, THERE'S THIS GREAT LITTLE LAKE UPSTATE.
NEXT WEEKEND, WE WILL GO UP THERE AND SAIL YOUR BOAT.
OH, THAT SOUNDS NICE.
FIRST OF ALL, HE'S HITTING ON YOU.
SECONDLY, YOU POP THAT SUCKER INTO LIQUEFY, (WHIRRING) YOU GO! SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN GOING ANY FURTHER.
ME, I'M ALREADY PICTURING A HOUSE IN CONNECTICUT, A COUPLE OF MIKE JUNIORS RUNNING IN THE YARD, ME TOOTLING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD IN MY NEW PORSCHE.
WHY NOT? MY WIFE'S A LAWYER.
IT'S TIME TO BE HONEST.
HOW LONG CAN YOU GO ON HAVING GREAT, MEANINGLESS SEX? WHAT'S THE RECORD? THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU HAVE 2 CHOICES HERE.
YOU CAN EITHER KEEP PLAYING GAMES, OR TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.
WANNA HEAR THE SUREFIRE WINNER? NEVER MIND.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.
O.
K.
, PAUL, I'M PRETTY SURE THIS'LL BE THE ONLY TIME I EVER SAY THIS TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.
TELL ME WHAT WORKS WITH THE LADIES.
IF YOU WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO MOVE TO THE NEXT LEVEL, YOU GOTTA GET HER TO SLEEP OVER.
HE'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN DATE UNTIL THE END OF TIME, BUT NOT UNTIL YOU WAKE UP WEARING THAT GUY'S T-SHIRT ARE YOU IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL.
PAULY MM.
DON'T LET ME FALL ASLEEP.
OH.
NO, NO.
DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.
O.
K.
(WHISPERING) HUSH LITTLE BABY DON'T SAY A WORD MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING MAMA'S GONNA DO SOME OTHER THING WHAT OTHER THING IS MAMA DOING? DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT MAMA.
MAMA KEEPS HERSELF BUSY.
I GOTTA GO.
UH--YOU KNOW, I-I, UH I JUST HAD THIS URGE.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED MONOPOLY? OH, MIKE, I'M EXHAUSTED.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, I THINK YOU NEED TO EAT SOMETHING.
THAT WOULD PERK YOU UP.
HOW ABOUT I GET YOU SOME WARM MILK? TURKEY LEG? I HAD A GREAT TIME.
DO YOU REALIZE WE FORGOT TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT? I'VE GOT TO GET MORE POST-ITS.
IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED ANYWAY.
IF I GOT WITHIN I WOULD'VE BEEN OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
WHOO! ISN'T THIS SEXY? YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE THIS? (STRAINED) NO TALKING.
PHEW.
YOU'LL START TODAY? I NEED TO SPEAK WITH MIKE ABOUT THIS BEFORE WE MAKE IT OFFICIAL.
WELL, I COULD SPEAK TO MIKE FOR YOU.
YOU'RE WILLING TO DO THAT? ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE THE MAYOR.
YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO SAY "NO.
" SIR? MY SENIOR CITIZEN GROUP IS PUTTING ON A PRODUCTION OF A CHORUS LINE I'LL BE THERE.
DAMN.
JAMES! ALMOST RACE TIME.
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? OR YOU A WINNER OR A LOSER? ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, AND I'M NOT A COMPETITIVE KIND OF GUY.
O.
K.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT, SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING THE BLENDER MOTOR IN YOUR BOAT.
STUART! HE SPENT A YEAR WITH HIS GRANDFATHER BUILDING THAT BOAT, AND YOU DEFILED IT.
HOW DARE YOU? DOES IT GO REALLY FAST? MORNING, BUTTERCUP.
MORNING? YEAH, IT'S MORNING.
THE SUN'S UP, BIRDS ARE CHIRPING.
GARBAGEMEN ARE REGRETTING THEIR CAREER CHOICE.
HOW ABOUT A KISS? "CITY HALL SOFTBALL TEAM.
" WHOSE SHIRT IS THIS? THAT WOULD BE MINE.
MIKE, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES? OH.
THEY'RE, UH IN YOUR DRAWER.
HEY, DOESN'T EVERYTHING SEEM DIFFERENT THIS MORNING? YOU'RE TELLING ME.
I SLEPT IN MY CONTACTS.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO? GO FOR A WALK? READ THE PAPER? I COULD MAKE YOU AN OMELET.
I--I THINK I'M JUST GONNA GET GOING.
YOU READY? I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH, BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
LET'S KICK SOME ASS! MY GOD, I JUST CURSED.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
GET READY.
THEY'RE ABOUT TO FIRE THE GUN! (GUN FIRES) GO! MY BOAT.
I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
TOUGH BREAK.
(WHISTLING) (ANSWERING MACHINE) MIKE, JANELLE WORKS FOR ME NOW.
HOPE WE'RE STILL ON FOR LUNCH.
CALL JANELLE TO CONFIRM.
(BEEP BEEP) IS EVERY WOMAN IN MY LIFE GONNA REJECT ME TODAY? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN REJECTED.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD LAURIE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER.
IT'S LIKE OUR TIME TOGETHER IS CHOREOGRAPHED.
THERE'S NEVER AN AWKWARD MOMENT IN THE CONVERSATION.
WE BOTH LAUGH AT THE EXACT SAME THINGS.
WE NEVER MISS WHEN WE GO TO HOLD HANDS.
YOU GOT IT MADE.
SHE SPELLED IT OUT.
SHE DOESN'T WANT COMMITMENT.
YOU EVER THINK SHE'S SAYING THAT BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT'S WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR? IS THAT WHAT YOU DO? I DON'T HAVE THE DISCIPLINE.
YOU WOULDN'T GET THOSE VIBES IF SHE WASN'T PUTTING THEM OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
MIKE, WHY IS IT I HAD TO RUSH OVER HERE TO SEE YOU? O.
K.
O.
K.
, UH O.
K.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT YOU'RE O.
K.
LAURIE, UH I LOVE YOU.
YOU HEARD ME, RIGHT? I GOTTA GO PEE.
Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) MOO.