Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

1 - [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
- - Hey.
- What's up.
[REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, can you not eat all those? I wanna put some in Milo's lunch.
I thought Milo doesn't like grapes.
Right.
But if we keep giving them to him, eventually he'll change his mind.
And grapes travel well.
You know what else travels well? Apples.
And Milo loves 'em.
Just gimme the grapes.
Oh, by the way, I might come by later.
- With my gal.
- Your gal? To help sell the house, you know, like we talked about.
Oh.
Fully clothed, Dad! Morning, honey.
Martin.
How are ya? - Kids ready? - Kids! They're coming down now.
Thanks for taking them, Henry.
I've - I've got a big day.
- Sure.
Ah, my gal's coming by later.
- Fine.
- Yeah.
She's real, so Oh, we believe you, Martin.
Thanks for taking care of it.
Okay.
Yeah.
What's that all about? He wants to put the house on the market.
Well, now, that's a big step.
Oh, he's just trying to punish me and scare me, make me feel miserable and vulnerable until I beg for mercy.
You know, it boggles the mind that the two of you didn't work out.
I find that when Martin's angry, the best thing to do is just let him stomp around like a crazy person until he tires himself out.
Kind of like Milo after a Cronut.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, well, I've been on the business end of that.
Children, meet your lunches.
Hope there's ketamine in mine.
The sophomore year should be easier.
Spoken like someone with no recollection of sophomore year.
Tenth grade girls are judgy.
Well, judging can be fun.
- See? - Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - Why did I say "my gal"? Now I have to find someone who's in real estate and a woman.
Hey, why are you in such a rush to sell this place all of a sudden? Why? Because Lena doesn't get to make every decision.
This one's me.
And I'm flipping the script.
You heard, I said I'm flipping it.
Fake MCs be dissing it.
Totally.
It makes perfect sense when you freestyle badly like that.
Clearly this isn't something that you're doing out of - anger, or, like, pain.
- Hell no! So you're being rational and mature right now.
Mature as hell, son.
I'm a grown-ass man making power moves.
- [KEYS CLACK.]
- Boom! - Found a woman.
- [KEYS CLACK.]
Damn it.
She doesn't do real estate.
Do you think Dad is happy? No idea.
Me either.
[RUMBLING.]
What is that? Uh, the pipes.
It only happens when we use the hot.
I think we're due for a new hot water heater but Martin wants to try descaling first.
Get you a man that descales.
Look at "Camp Colleen.
" Oh, my God, they're all canoeing.
These poor kids.
Mae's been hating school lately so I thought I'd surprise her by setting up a playdate with one of her friends from camp.
You still call 'em "playdates" when they're teenagers? Uh, probably not.
"Hangouts"? - Maybe just "hangs.
" - "Hangs.
" Yes.
Wow.
For a pregnant woman, you know what's up.
Speaking of, the hot dad you're dating what's up? Ugh, God.
It's such a mess.
Frank, AKA Sugar Beard, AKA Country Music Face, is supposed to have dinner tonight with my pregnant friend Karen, - who - Doesn't exist.
Oh.
Well, she exists.
She's just me.
Right.
So, she'll definitely be there.
Okay.
What is the best way to let him know that I'm a liar without having to tell him the truth? MARTIN: Hey! Uh this is, um Oh! Is this your gal? Jeannie Johnson.
Do I know you? Oh, your face is on the bus-stop bench.
Guilty.
I was just giving Jeannie a tour of the house.
- Wonderful.
- Are you thinking of selling the house? - Well, Martin says he is.
- I don't say I am.
I am.
Now, Jeannie, I I realize it's hard to tell what we have here, what with all the tchotchkes and air plants.
Guilty of making the house a home.
Oh, I'm not really worried about the superficial things, but something does feel a little "off.
" Our house is in great shape.
[RUMBLING.]
That's a Halloween thing that we - That's the pipes.
- Don't worry.
I'll fix that.
I'll get out my tools and I'll fix that.
We have no doubt.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Terrific.
I am so glad we're all on the same page.
You know, it might be wise to get an inspection, just in case there's some bigger - issues looming.
- Great.
- Great.
I love it.
- Do you - I love it, too.
- I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Okay.
Perhaps I should see the garage unit.
Perhaps you should, Jeannie.
Let me show you.
- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- Wow.
- That was excruciating.
- Yup.
Doubly excruciating for Martin.
You think he wants to go around fixing stuff and making phone calls to inspectors? Absolutely not! He's waiting for me to throw a hissy fit and say we're not selling the house.
But I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna tell Martin that he can sell this house as many times as he likes.
He can sell this house's freakin' brains out for all I care! MAE: Wait We're selling the house? Oh, sweetie, listen Please, Mom? Can we do it before next semester? Please? [CHUCKLES.]
Who knew that celery was capable of this? Yeah, I know, right? - Hey, good for celery.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's such an inspirational story.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Can I tell you something? Anything.
I'm worried about Karen.
She was supposed to be here half an hour ago.
She's in a dark place.
She's struggling with not wanting to reveal her pregnancy to the guy she's dating.
I think we should check on her.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
The the thing about Karen is she's dead.
She died.
It was a train.
She went everywhere.
- Oh, my God.
I'm I'm so sorry - Thank you.
Karen.
Wait.
Huh? You knew? Yes, of course I knew.
I called you Karen because that's the name you made up for the fake person.
Right.
I got that part.
Are you mad at me for lying? I was at first, but then my psychic said that you were just trying to hold on to my love, and that's a positive.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
Are you freaked out that I'm pregnant? Freaked out? No.
I'm [BLEEP.]
pumped! - You are? - Yes, I What's more exciting than new life? I'm stoked on you, and I'm stoked on your baby.
And I'm already a dad, so I know what it takes.
And I'm down.
[LAUGHS.]
That one's for you.
And that one's for the baby.
I think you got the order reversed.
[CHUCKLES.]
Or I-I hope you I hope you did.
Hey, kid.
Midnight.
Bedtime.
Uh, yeah.
Sorry.
I'm just researching school districts.
Obviously, I'd rather live with you than Dad, but if you find a place in any of these three zones, pretty much clinch it.
We're not selling the house! Great.
So back in the frying pan.
Listen.
I know you've been having a tough time at school, so I planned a little surprise for you.
What kind of surprise? I called one of your camp friends and invited them to sleep over tomorrow.
- Wait, really? Which one? - Me.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC CRASH.]
- BOTH: Aah! Hi, Mae.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- - Sorry to have startled.
I thought the slightly open window meant "welcome.
" Emma? I thought we said you were gonna sleep over tomorrow.
We agreed I'd come over on Saturday.
It's been Saturday for eight minutes now.
[WHISPERING.]
You do know her, right? Yeah.
We were in the infirmary together.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, we nursed our wounds and sipped ginger ale.
We whiled away the hours.
So, what's wrong with you? - [OWL HOOTS.]
- Snakebite.
Whoa.
That's pretty serious.
Don't people usually die from those? Some.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC CRASH.]
- Aah! In my case, it was the snake who died.
[YAWNS.]
I heard screaming.
What a healthy child.
Okay.
Um linens are in the hallway closet.
Milo and I will just leave you gal-pals to your slumber.
If we make it through tonight, perhaps we can bunk together next summer.
Uh, perhaps [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's going on, Mom? Nothing.
Nothing.
Shhhh.
Shhhh.
Shhhh.
Come in.
Milo, who are you talking to? I'm not sure.
I felt a presence.
- [RUMBLING.]
- [GASPS.]
[CREAKING AND SPLASHING.]
On the mountains, there's this small patch of woods where no one ever goes.
At the end of those woods is a large brown house.
Behind that house is an old stone wall - with cobwebs - [INAUDIBLE MOUTHING.]
and a deep, dark well beside it.
And that's where I'm from.
Wait.
T-The well? 'Sup, team? Oh, hey.
Who's this? LENA: Oh.
This is Emma Rebecca, - Mae's best friend from camp.
- I never said best.
I don't rank people.
But when the dark games begin, who ever shall go first? I know, right? - Hey, Martin? - Yeah? Um, I noticed something upstairs.
The wall in the boys' room is, um bulging? Okay.
Yeah.
just add that to my list.
"Fix wall bulge.
" I'm not sure you should fix it since you're the one who Who what? Hmm? Oh, what? Y-you you think that I bulged it? No.
I've never bulged a wall in my life.
Well, it wasn't bulged until you started fixing things.
I told you, I have to get this place ready for Ready for what? - Uh.
Nothing.
- They're going to sell the house.
- What? - She's kidding.
- She's not kidding.
We might.
Hmm? - Martin? Could I please speak with you in private? Ohh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh! Okay, I know you're mad at me, and you have every right to be, but come on.
You know we're not selling this house.
Why do I know that? Hmm? Because you say so? You're not calling the shots here anymore, Lena.
- Stop trying to use this house to punish - [CRUNCH.]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC CRASH.]
- BOTH: Aah! I'm sorry.
Don't mind me.
Please continue.
MAYA: Not only did Sugar Beard not freak out, he was into it.
Like, he kept high-fiving me.
He high-fived me once during sex.
Wow, kudos.
Sorry about that.
I'll give you a minute.
So, you got the hot guy and the high-risk pregnancy.
- You're living the dream.
- I know.
I should be thrilled - But - I'm not.
I mean, on paper, he's everything I ever hoped for.
He's more! He's just a little intense.
[SIGHS.]
So what is it you want? I really want him to accept the pregnancy and not try to take any role in it or not own any part of it, 'cause we're really just getting to know each other.
What is it you want off the menu? Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm good.
Thanks.
You can't just keep coming in here for zero reason.
Oh, my God.
Okay, fine, I'll go to the bathroom.
I don't get a tip for that.
[BIRDS CHIRPING, DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE.]
[GRUNTING.]
[WATER DRIPPING.]
[RATTLING.]
Ha! Yeah.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Oh, yeah, there you are.
There you are.
Come on.
I got you.
Man.
Ugh! - [DRAMATIC MUSIC CRASH.]
- Aah! Who are you? [RUSSIAN ACCENT.]
Who, me? Yeah.
I'm house inspection.
The lady with the disapproving face hired me.
I can handle things around here, okay? - You must be Martin.
- Yes.
I was specifically told not to let Martin handle things around here.
Rude! All right.
Well, guess what.
I'm gonna go have some words with - [DRAMATIC MUSIC CRASH.]
- Aah! What the [BLEEP.]
?! Don't be startled, Esmeralda.
What's happening? I came down here to relax.
It's too light and dry above.
Your wife said it was okay, but told me if I saw you, to discourage any further house repairs.
She did, did she? Lena! Lena?! I don't think she can hear your cries.
- [SMOOCHES, SOFTLY SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
- MARTIN: It's undermining and disrespectful! Your gal was the one who said we should hire a professional! She gave us his card! Oh, no, no, d-don't you blame Jeannie Johnson! Okay? You told - Sorry, I forgot your name.
- Vladislav.
Vladislav.
You told Vladislav that I couldn't handle the repairs.
You send a child to police me.
This whole time, you were just pretending to be supportive because as usual, you don't trust me to fix anything.
Yet you seem determined to! You have put far more effort into leaving this house - than you ever did into staying! - Shots fired.
If you'll recall, I wanted to try to fix things with you, Lena, but you didn't let me do that repair job either.
- [LENA AND MARTIN ARGUING INDISTINCTLY.]
- Why is everybody acting so crazy? They never used to fight like this before.
- LENA: they sit in a box - MARTIN: I have worked my ass off - but they don't get put together, do they? - for 16 years - No, no, no.
No, no.
And I say we just hire - trying to please you, trying to do So this is some sort of a modern thing, right? Like, married, except not so much, huh? - Something like that.
Yeah.
- Mm, just small talk.
The main thing that's going on is the foundation is, uh, unstable.
It's sinking, and there's cracks everywhere.
What? How is that possible? Did you not notice that the whole house is on a slant? You know, we're lucky we didn't get crushed under there.
Okay.
So, it-it's dangerous to be here? Oh, it's dangerous to be anywhere.
I mean, tragedy is very, very close.
[SIGHING.]
My uncle died in a bouncy castle.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
So, is the house safe to live in? It is for now.
But if you want to sell it, then you should fix it.
He's not even looking at me.
- Is that a problem? - No, not for me.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
Wow.
Okay, well.
- That's a It is.
It's high.
- That is a very high number.
- We'll need to talk about it.
- Okay.
Let me just say this.
If I fix it, it's fixed.
If you fix it, it's not fixed, then you call me, I fix it, it's fixed.
You call someone else? They come out, they fix it, it's kind of fixed, but it doesn't stay fixed, then you call me - "I fix it, it's fixed.
" - "I fix it, it's fixed.
" No.
I fix it, it's fixed.
Now you're talking to me? Ooh.
Nice boppy.
I think we're jumping the gun, buying actual baby stuff, no? Heck no! No, let's get everything set up before you get all big and swollen.
- Here, um, let me carry this for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- I can carry my own purse.
[LAUGHS.]
- No, no, no, I I insist.
I don't want to put any undue strain on FJ.
- FJ? - Yeah, when I talk to the baby inside my mind, I call it Frank Jr.
I know it probably won't stick.
"Probably"? But I just I feel so close to FJ already.
I can't help it.
Try to help it.
Are you this effusive with your own kid? I wish.
I only get to see Jasper every other weekend, and sometimes he declines.
Doesn't want to come.
Says I'm "a lot.
" Oh.
Does he have a cellphone or an e-mail - that I can - Maya.
There is a baby-shaped hole inside my heart, and little FJ Cruiser is gonna fill it.
Okay, Frank.
No.
No, no.
No.
This is going too fast for me, okay? I liked it when we were chill and could just talk about my friend that I made up.
Okay.
Okay.
I can slow down.
All right? This is gonna work out for us, I'm sure of it.
And that's another problem.
You're sure of everything! Why is that? That's weird.
People that are sure of everything are nuts or they're on cocaine or something.
Maya, you think I'm on drugs? That That kind of thing's private.
Look, you're a really nice guy, and you're so pretty it's stupid, but I think I have to call this.
I can't believe this.
Wh - Are you sure? - No, I'm not sure.
That's the point.
- What, so we're not done? - No.
Sorry.
That was confusing.
We're done.
I'm sure of that.
Wow.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, that that hurts.
But as long as I'm still a massive part of - FJ's life - No.
Okay.
Well, that really burns.
But, you know, I'm you're still gonna tell him about me, right? I absolutely will not.
That's tough but fair.
This really sucks.
- Listen up, FJ Okay.
- Okay, bye, Frank! AKA Sugar Beard.
AKA Country Music Face.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Martin, I'm sorry I was disingenuous about the house stuff.
And I'm sorry I didn't want to get back together the second that you did.
But come on.
This obviously is not the time to sell, and we don't have the money for the repairs.
You heard the guy.
Our whole foundation is messed up.
We can't just ignore it.
If we don't fix the problem, it's only gonna get worse.
So what do you want to do? Borrow against the house.
Make up for it when we sell.
Martin, stop.
You really wanna sell our house? Because once we leave, there's no going back.
I mean, are you you're ready to just give up on everything? I think I am, yeah.
To be honest, Lena, I think this is what we should have done from the very, very beginning.
This whole thing has been just confusing for everybody.
Well, that's not what I want.
How about that? Well, clearly, we don't always get what we want.
How about that? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
- You're sure she's gone? - Yes, sweetheart.
- Did you check my closet? - I checked.
And no evil spirit's gonna come out of the wall and kill me? No, baby, if we die in this house, it's gonna be from massive structural failure, not evil.
- Promise? - Promise.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- Hey, Mom is what Dad said true? Are we moving? Milo, what's rule number one? "Never listen to Dad.
" But you didn't hear it from me.
Yes, I did.
You've said to me since I was 3.
What's rule number two? Shh, shh.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
Oh, hey, I'm still reading.
Can you leave the light on? - [SWITCH CLICKS.]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]