Squinters (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

1 What does it mean, like, when you've got guys in orange suits just climbing around in the roof at work? Asbestos? My parents are always, like, complaining that they never meet any "like-minded Australians".
Yeah, I've always had to hide my parents away because they're so right-wing.
I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum.
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
Last year, my sister got pregnant as soon as she started trying.
Why are my ovaries being so picky? - My people have also had a hard time.
- Your people? Redheads.
We're still waiting for our apology, Gary.
Sexy? Who the fuck is "Sexy"?! Ouch.
It's a private text, Brett.
And you're fired again.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, my gosh, my mum just sent me a text asking for your dad's number.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, maybe she just wants to organise - another dinner with my folks.
- Yeah, maybe.
Although, she has been acting out lately.
Apparently, she bought a toe-ring last week, and Dad said she's threatening to actually wear it.
Well, tell her my dad doesn't have a phone.
I can't lie.
My sister said she'd give me 500 bucks if I didn't lie for two whole weeks.
- Well, how will she know? - Oh, she'd just know.
- It's like a sister thing.
- Isn't that more of a twin thing? You wouldn't understand.
Wait, so you're gonna give your mum my dad's number, potentially causing an affair, just because you don't want to lie to your sister? Yeah, well, it's more about the money.
Although I do want to stop the cycle of lying.
Well You know, once, when I was a kid, when my sister was four, I told her that anyone under the age of six, if they eat a brown M&M, they'd just, like, completely die.
On the spot.
So, I got, like, two years worth of brown M&Ms.
- It was amazing.
- You're a terrible sister.
Oh, also, you know when I tell you that I can't hear you in the bathroom? - Yeah - I can hear everything.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Why can't I hear you? - Cause I poo at work.
- Eww.
- What? - You can hear me poo? - Yeah.
Why did you have to tell me that?! Why couldn't you have lied? I'm never gonna poop again.
That's it.
- I'm driving into oncoming traffic - Wait, no-no-no-no-no! SONG; Let's go! What you waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste - Let's go - Green light Step on the gas, don't let no-one past Put some pep in your step Follow me this way Red light, green light Red light, green light Red light, green light, go! Do you wanna go, go, go? I'm-a, I'm-a run this show Red light Do you wanna go? Green light - Do you wanna? - Do you wanna go? Itchy suit.
You'll be glad you're not wearing high-vis when you're paying for school fees.
Yeah, well, you'll be sorry when you've shaved off all my edges and there's nothing left of the man you fell in love with.
No-one's got time to shave all your edges, mate.
(PHONE HONKS) Todd's just texted me.
- Crying Todd or boss Todd? - Uh, Boss Todd.
He's saying we're having lunch with the new CEO today, but the weirdo signed off with a kiss.
Do I respond with a kiss? I guess so.
Seems a bit intimate.
If you don't reciprocate with a kiss, then you're leaving him hanging out to dry.
No-one likes that.
Capital X? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Well, instead of saying 'kiss', which is basically just punctuation, you're saying 'KISS', which means you actually want to kiss him.
I didn't even want to send him a kiss.
You made me do it.
I didn't make you do anything.
You were seeking my counsel.
Shit! He's my direct superior, and I may as well have just sent him a dick pic.
You're catastrophising again.
Remember what the counsellor said? You need some perspective.
Nup.
I'll be back wearing high-vis quicker than you can say Don Burke.
Look, I shouldn't have said anything.
I only brought it up because I notice these things.
But he's not gonna notice, or care.
Seriously.
(PHONE HONKS) - That Todd? - Yep.
What's it say? It's a question mark.
You've still got all your high-vis, right? Hey, thanks for the, uh, lift to work, Lukas.
No worries, mate.
- That's a very cool dog.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Barney.
- What type? It's just your bog-standard bloody yellow dog.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah? - Lucky it's not a black dog, eh? Yeah What? What do you mean? You know, like the - .
.
the dog of depression.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Black dog of depression.
- Yeah, got ya, got ya.
Sorry, you don't suffer from depression, do you? - No, no, no.
- Good.
Just mild anxiety - every now and then.
- Yeah, right.
How about you? You? Oh, um Yeah, I get sad sometimes.
I mean, I'm not taking a tablet for it or anything.
I just I just swim.
- You like to swim? - Yeah, I I love to swim.
- I - Yeah? What's your stroke? Have a guess.
- Doggie paddle.
- No.
- (LAUGHS) - Hey.
No.
- No, I'm a, uh, butterfly man.
- Butterfly? Yeah, which is havoc on the shoulders.
- That's hardcore.
- Yeah, it canes it.
It canes it.
There's a lot of Yeah, but you're pretty you're big and strong, you're good So, you gay? What? - Are you gay? - No.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
That's good.
- It's going it's going good? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's going going good as a gay guy, yeah.
It's good.
Sorry, that was Yeah, I didn't ask that right.
- Nah, nah, nah, it's fine.
- No, you're just not .
.
you're not like you're not like other gay guys I know.
- Oh, actually, I don't - Gay guys you know? - I don't really know many.
- OK.
- You kind of - What do you mean, like, poofy? - You're my only gay friend.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Can I, uh Can I ask you a question? - I'm not gay.
- OK.
You know this morning, you told me you loved me in your sleep.
Well, I've woken up now, Gary.
- Calm down.
- You calm down.
Why are you upset? Because you didn't put up any fight when your parents kicked me out of their house.
You asked my dad if he knew Stan Grant.
And when he asked why, you said because he's Aboriginal.
It's a fact.
We all don't know each other, Bridget.
We're a race, not an indoor soccer club.
I was just making conversation.
Then you said, Stan's one of the good ones.
Whatever that's supposed to mean.
Oh, Gary, don't be jealous.
You're still my second-favourite Aborigine.
Can you stop saying "Aborigine"? It's not 1965.
Look, I'm just trying to build bridges for reconciliation through humour.
Didn't know there were so many rules.
Well, there's just one rule, Bridge, stop being ignorant.
I can do that.
And racist.
Well, that's two rules.
And define "racist".
You did an impression of Chris Lilley doing an impression of a black fella.
And when Dad asked you to stop, you said, Oh, it's OK, because you're practically black.
Because you're having a black baby.
You may scoff, Gary, but ever since I've been carrying our native child Native child? .
.
I have felt a deep spiritual connection to the land.
- My land.
- Oh.
My people have been putting up with this whitey bullshit - for over 200 years.
- White people.
It's high time you educate yourself, Bridget.
If not for the sake of our relationship, then for our child.
I love you? (SNORING) No, no, not the balls.
- Not the balls! - Macca, sweetheart.
You're having a nightmare, babe.
Are you nervous about the fertility test results? No.
Just dreaming about your balls then? (SIGHS) Jessica, I've decided that if I'm the one that's infertile, then I don't want to hold you back from having kids.
And I give you permission to look for another fella.
While you've still got your looks.
That's so sweet of you, babe.
What are you going to do in this scenario? Oh, don't worry about me.
I've got my career and rugby league.
And after you've had your kids, and you get sick of your new husband, then maybe you can come back to me.
Maybe by then you would have sorted out your snoring situation.
And you would have discovered that other men are actually messier than I am.
Maybe, or I might have discovered that you're actually the worst, and I dodged a bullet.
Well, maybe I'll be rich and I'll have servants to clean up after me.
Maybe I'll think you're a dick for having servants, and I won't want to go back to you.
Maybe I won't want you coming back anyway.
- Good.
- I fuckin won't.
Good.
You know, you could be shooting water and I'm never going to leave you.
Thanks, babe.
Same here.
Besides, we could always use a sperm donor.
What? Hey, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah.
Why do people hate me? - Is that a personal question? - Well, it's personal to me.
Right.
Well, I don't think that people hate you.
Hey, I wonder if you could maybe do some undercover, you know, work on what people think.
You know, just sort of a deeper investigation on that with the employees.
Sure.
- You know when I first met you - You thought I was gay? Seriously? Cause of the whole hair and cheekbone thing? No.
No self-respecting gay man would wear Lynx deodorant.
Are you 15? How old are you anyway? I'm not telling.
Oh, man, 'cause you look like you could be anywhere from 15 to, like .
.
52.
- Well, I'm somewhere in there.
- Ha.
And you're not telling me because you're embarrassed.
Like this isn't quite where you thought you would be at this age? No-no-no, this is it.
This is where I was aiming.
- This is where you dreamed you'd be? - Yeah.
- Driving me.
- Absolutely.
God, where did you go wrong? You could be a model.
I mean, have you ever thought about modelling? Not like, not like Calvin Klein, but maybe like Kmart underwear or something like that? - I do look good in a pair of Sluggos.
- Yeah.
Have you ever noticed, like, when a model goes missing, it's always "model missing".
- It is, right.
- Right? It's always specific.
Like, if it's a plumber, or a bus driver it'll be like "man missing", "woman missing".
But when it's a model, like "model missing".
It's like, "We've lost a pretty person!" Well, no-one wants to see someone beautiful die.
No.
I mean, could you imagine, heaven forbid, that I didn't show up for work tomorrow, 'cause I was dead.
You'd never get over it.
No I, I would.
I would be OK.
It's 9:00am.
And a reminder that landscape work will be happening on the M5 tonight, so if you see a bunch of guys with neck tattoos, making each other cups of tea, be sure to say hi.
Breaking news, the M4 is back running smoothly, and I'm back on Tinder.
- It's 5:00pm.
- Let's go! - Talia, I have news.
- Oh, my God, me too.
Oh, no-no-no-no please let me go first.
Please.
No.
Mine's more important so No mine's really important, no come on.
No.
I'm pretty sure mine's a lot more important than yours Please.
- OK.
You go first.
- OK.
So, as you know, I've sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me, God.
Mm-hm.
So, today I went on this lunch date with this guy, and he asked me a bunch of questions, and I was just completely honest with him, and I think I completely destroyed him.
Like what? Well, OK.
So, he asked me what I was like in a relationship, and I said, "OK, well I'm exceptional for the first couple weeks, "you know, but then obviously I run out of puff, "and then become emotionally unavailable, "start ghosting you, which kind of drives you to cheat on me, "which obviously I find out after I hack into your phone, "and then contrive to be the offended party.
" And then he was like, "Oh, OK, what's your impression of me?" And I was like, "Um, hello.
I'm Eric, and I work in finance.
"And I probably have a sex doll at home.
" (CHUCKLES) So there's obviously going to be a second date.
Probably not actually.
Had to hold him for a good 45 minutes after that.
It was then and there I decided that there is a difference between being honest and being a psychopath.
What? So you're going back to lying occasionally? No.
OK? I'm going to stick with this truth-telling thing.
- Oh.
- Kidding! That was a lie.
It's good to be back.
OK, my news.
(SIGHS) So, my cousin saw my dad making out with a woman in a car at the end of the street.
Like, dry rooting making out.
Who was the woman? Well, he couldn't kind of see through the window, but whoever she was, she was wearing a toe ring.
Fuck off.
Oh, Mum, no.
- Your news was more important.
- Yeah.
And it gets worse.
Those guys who climbed into the roof in jumpsuits, weren't looking for ghosts.
They were looking for asbestos.
Oooh.
I wonder what the workers comp payout is for asbestositis.
At least 20 grand, right? Hope I get it.
Hey, thanks for driving me home.
No worries.
You didn't have to wait around for three hours, though.
- Have you got a crush on me? - No! God, you're totally not my type.
- Really? - No.
What's your type? Oh, obviously, yeah, like, bookish, nerdy, scruffy.
That's my thing.
Oh, yeah.
I reckon if I had to, I'd have gay sex with Matthew McConaughey.
- Really? - Mmm.
Seems weird.
He's very manly.
What do you mean by that? Oh, I just thought you'd go for a more girlie type of guy.
No, mate.
No.
I'm like you.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
OK.
Alright.
Who else then? - Keanu Reeves.
- Right.
- Brad Pitt, obviously.
- You know, Owen Wilson.
- That broken nose is pretty sexy.
- Sheesh.
You've got quite a list going on there.
Lacey, can I Can I ask you something? Have you ever like, mucked around with another bloke? Experimented, you know, in some way, sexually? What, what do you mean, like .
.
in the showers after footy practice when everyone's gone home, and it's just the two of you, and you keep your jumpers over your head, so you can't see each other.
Exactly like Yes.
That.
No.
Bloody hell, cricket tonight.
Come home to my place, watch the cricket, ah, you bring some beers-ies, you know.
Whatever.
- Yeah I, I, I'd really like that.
- Yeah.
Maybe, um, afterwards you know .
.
have a Cornetto.
Oh, I'm not really a fan of Cornettos.
Maybe you are.
You don't know.
Just maybe ah, I'll have a Cornetto, I'll start eating it, like, "Oh, jeez, this is a bloody good Cornetto going on here.
" You go, "Jeez, that Cornetto looks alright, "I might have a little bit of a" And, you know, there's no pressure.
No pressure.
You don't have to have the Cornetto, you might want to have the Cornetto, you know, safe space, just come over, have a bloody Cornetto.
It's just two blokes, having a Cornetto.
Do you want a Cornetto? (COUGHS) It's probably the asbestos people are saying they found at work.
I don't know how much time I have left.
I've got to get my affairs in order.
Just drop me at my old place.
I need a few days to think.
I'm too old to be messed around, Gary.
Just tell me, is this a break, or a break-up.
Did you shrug? Shrugging wasn't one of the options, Gary.
Jesus.
Look, I'll be a supportive co-parent, but to be honest, I'm not sure our relationship has legs.
Well, it's probably a little late, but I made you something.
Other than a baby that is.
You made a cake at work? Bought it, but I did the icing.
"Sorry I was a racis".
I ran out of icing.
Thank you for the badly spelt cake, but I still need some time to think.
You're a good person, Bridge, it's just that no-one bothered to educate you when you were young.
Look, I'd love to spend our time apart educating myself, but I've got to raise two daughters whilst preparing to have another one, because you, and I quote, "are triggered by condoms.
" If, and when you decide to forgive me for being a little bit ignorant, yet well intentioned, and you come over to my house, and I'm not there, I've probably died from asbestos poisoning.
(COUGHS) Asbestos causes mesothelioma, and patients generally survive two years after diagnosis, so at least you'll still be able to have the baby, and I can look after it.
Sounds like you couldn't give a shit whether I live or die.
I'd be very sad if anything happened to you, Bridget.
Very sad.
That's not enough.
I need devastated.
But my major concern is for the baby.
Why don't you take that cake and shove it up your arse? Why don't you take this cake, give it a spell check, then I'll shove it up my arse.
- So you will shove it up your arse? - Probably.
How was lunch with the CEO? - Blew it.
- Really? She was going on about how important health and fitness was, and she said to increase productivity we all need to be fitter.
And I said, "Yeah.
Tell me about it.
"I used to have the body of a footballer, "and now I've got the body of a fantasy footballer.
" That's a funny joke.
Did you make it up? No, but everyone laughed.
And then the CEO said that I had to stop putting myself down, and I had to learn how to love myself.
Americans hate self deprecation, 'cause they all think they're so awesome.
That's why they've got so many talent shows.
I know.
So now she doesn't think I've got the confidence to move up.
So then I started bragging about stuff, but that just sounded weird.
- How was your day? - It was a bit dramatic.
I had to talk one of the pickers out of jumping off the roof of the warehouse.
- What? - Well, his wife left him.
Long story short, I talked him down, and he's going to be fine.
- Well, I also have some news.
- Oh, right.
So, we're done talking about how I stopped a guy from jumping to his certain death.
No.
We can keep talking about it more if you like? No.
That's the whole story.
What's your news? Oh, just, my immediate boss no longer thinks I want to kiss him.
Well, great.
Is that all you were going to tell me? Is that not enough for you? Well, just, there was a bit of a build up, so thought there might be something else? No.
Just that.
And I'm infertile.
So if you want to move on from Shooter McBlanks over here, I'll understand.
I hear that roof guy's single.
I got my test results back too.
And? Well, doctor told me I'm a poor IVF candidate, which I find hard to believe.
And she doesn't think it's worth me undergoing IVF with my own eggs.
Babe.
(PHONE CHIMES) That's the roof guy.
He doesn't waste any time, does he? Well, he's just thanking me for talking him off the roof.
Is that a capital X? In my left-hand pocket, there is an unbiased and anonymous record of what 20 random K2 employees think of you.
Try not to take it all too seriously, 'cause you're under a lot of stress with the asbestos and your husband cheating on you, and these jokers don't know that.
OK, who said, "She's the Willy Wonka of bullshit"? Yeah.
They participated in the survey only if it was anonymous, so "She looks like someone brought a mannequin halfway back to life.
" What does that even mean? See, I knew it was a bad idea.
What am I? Like, wooden? Like, what's a halfway back to life mannequin look like? I don't know.
If you do that you look like it, but not normally.
Just trying to figure it out.
"Tina has all the traits you'd expect from an excellent CEO.
" There you go.
"She's a dead eyed predator incapable of human warmth.
" Fuck them.
I don't care if they think I'm a hate-filled twat monster.
I'm here to run a company not to make friends.
You know what, Tina? You are not a hate-filled twat monster.
I don't think you are.
I think they just need to get to know you.
Thanks, Brett.
But they will never get to know me.
And I will find each and every one of them, and I will fire them.
Mother fuckers.
Look, the point is it was just a really small section of idiots who I surveyed.
Don't worry about it.
Well, my staff hates me, my husband's cheating on me, but I do have a great driver.
Thanks.
And I happen to have an amazing bolognaise sauce at my house that he's welcome to sample if he'd like.
Do you know that if you add a dash of milk to bolognaise sauce it's a total game changer? Are you asking me in to dinner? I'm not inviting you to dinner.
I'm inviting you to sample my bolognaise sauce with a dash of milk.
I love you .
.
more than Stan Grant.