Staged (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

Michael.
Michael. I've got a plan.
- For what?
- Getting back on the show.
I thought you'd welcomed
chaos into your life.
I know. We had, but
we have an opportunity.
- What?
- Reading with the other actors today,
- it's an opportunity.
- Sure.
So, have you ever
..taken part in an act of sabotage?
ATTEMPTS SCOTTISH ACCENT:
The Welsh must have a good phrase
for the end of the world.
Why do you have to say that?
Dylan Thomas must have written about it.
I mean Poem.
Well, yeah. He wrote, "Do not go
gentle into that good night."
There you go.
I did a little bit for the BBC.
- Oh, did you?
- Mm.
Rage, rage against the dying
of the light.
Who wrote that?
Uh, Dylan Thomas?
It was Yeah. I thought
it was Kipling for some reason.
What? You know loads about
poetry, do you?
I know the fucking classics.
Rage, rage against the dying
of the light.
Any thoughts at the moment?
No, it sounds good.
Erm, I suppose I wonder if there's
a version where you just go
much more theatrical.
- Theatrical?
- Cos Michael really leaned into it.
- Really?
- Really, yeah.
- Really?
- Didn't you, Michael?
Uh, really.
Cos I think the arc of the show,
we get to humility
down the line. So if in the
early stages you just hammer
those theatrical stereotypes,
I think it gives you
somewhere to go, to subvert it.
All right. So, bigger. So
On the stage, kind of
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light!
Honestly, it works.
It really works.
I would blast it.
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light!
- See, that's brilliant.
- Fantastic.
Do you know what it was
in the original Welsh?
- Hang on. Sorry. How do you mean?
- Before it was translated.
- Translated?
- What did he originally write?
Can I just say how grateful we are?
It's a pleasure.
Just to, you know, have
this kind of access to you is
It's a treat.
Listen, we just want the best for it.
Well, you know. We're reading it
for the producers tomorrow.
- Are you? Right.
- Yeah.
And we were a little nervous to ask,
you know, cos this is all a bit
sort of new, but it's just brilliant
to have your insight.
We're just happy to help.
I know that we're, you know,
supposedly better known
- than you.
- Don't say that.
Well, I mean, you know.
Let's not argue the toss.
But I'm just saying, this is your show.
- Yeah.
- Either way.
- Listen. It's
- Yeah.
Nick said that you might mislead
us as well.
I've got a massage in 40 minutes,
so it would be great
if we could crack on.
- Sure.
- "Cachu h-wich".
Cachu
THROATY: hw Hw Hw
Spit everywhere. Cachu h-wich.
Am I saying that right?
- There's no vowels in this.
- Michael. Is that?
Sorry, say say it again.
Cachu h-wich.
- Spot on.
- Oh!
- I didn't know
- Really?
- Absolutely.
- Cachu h-wich.
Cos I thought it was cachu hwch.
- No, it's cachu h-wich.
- It is cachu h-wich.
Hey, is Michael supposed to be Welsh?
I-I am.
- He is Welsh.
- Oh.
So, does that mean I have
to do a Welsh accent?
Can you do a Welsh accent?
What part of Wales are you from,
Michael?
The south of Wales. Port Talbot.
Yeah, Port Talbot. What?
Baglan end or Taibach?
- Uh, Baglan.
- Baglan. Baglan. Baglan.
ATTEMPTS A WELSH ACCENT:
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Michael?
Spot on.
- Yep.
- Yes! I knew it.
Don't do this again, man.
- Why are you talking to me like that?
- Fuck you.
- Like what?
- Like I'm a fucking irritant.
- You're not an irritant.
- Thank you.
You're a black hole.
Oh, fuck you, man!
He refuses to do any
kind of preparation.
- Why are you being like this?
- You don't know the poem.
You don't know the Welsh.
You didn't even know that Michael
was fucking one of the Welsh.
I do now.
Had you even read this
before you came on the call?
I had read bits of it.
- Is that a Star Trek mug?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- Fucking hell.
Scotty does this every fucking time.
Don't you, Scotty?
Oh.
So, we don't have a chance to switch
it around and try it the other way
- on the day.
- The other way?
They want us to do it this way, mate.
They were happy for us
to do it both ways.
They want me to play Michael
because Michael
and I have the same face.
ATTEMPTS A WELSH ACCENT:
I want them to hear me read Michael.
You don't want to read David?
- Can I speak candidly?
- Yeah.
We feel that David
is just a little tepid.
Tepid?
Yeah, well, you know, cos he
just sort of floats about, you know?
And he's sort of
- Inert, is the word I was looking for.
- Inert. Yeah.
- Inert?
- Yeah, Michael is surprising.
You know? Michael's fascinating.
- Michael, may I ask you a question?
- BARKING
- Yes.
- Don't let him distract you, Michael.
Tell me the story about the birds.
What?
In episode one, you are really
preoccupied because of birds,
and it's gorgeous.
What you're doing is so subtle,
but it's lovely.
- Yeah, but there weren't any birds.
- There were no fucking birds.
I mean, in the character's head.
Let's talk about that.
I just want to know where that fear
came from, cos it was real.
Hm.
OK, well Well, yeah, they were
They were working in teams.
Right. And you And you fought back.
I did fight. Yes.
You're like a paragon of human
physical fitness.
Yeah, well, I was going
to be a footballer, you know?
That doesn't surprise me one bit.
But he very much is not a footballer.
He is a coward with
a Hitchcock fetish, is what he is.
I see you! You little feathered shit.
I see you, you little feathered shit!
- I see you, you little feathered shit.
- Ooh.
- I see you!
- I see you!
- I see you
- He's doing it!
you little feathered shit!
- He's doing it, he's doing it!
- Shit!
I see you, you little feathered shit!
Oh, my goodness.
Why do we even bother?
But Dav
David is David is a fighter, too.
Against what?
The You know, the apathy.
I don't like you.
I find you weaselly.
Michael, what was going on
in your head when you said that?
Oh! Um
I mean, the truth.
What do you mean?
Well, you see, Nick,
I don't actually like Simon.
- Me?
- No, Simon the writer.
OK, OK.
- But why not?
- Uh Have you met him?
- No.
- Meet him.
David is a complex character.
- He never leaves the house.
- Michael didn't leave the house.
- No, he went to the library.
- Yes, I did actually go to the library.
No! Only in the fucking show.
Michael is interesting.
Michael is unpredictable.
Yeah. I am unpredictable.
I can be unpredictable.
Oh, you Go on, then.
Do something unpredictable.
Right now?
Yeah.
- I rest my case. I'm not playing David.
- I'm not playing David.
I could play David.
- We can't.
- No, you're right. We can't.
I don't have time.
Neither do I.
And I do not think the
boys would understand.
No.
SHE MOUTHS
- If I'm honest, I don't think I want to.
- No?
I did have a nice time last time,
but I don't think I'd want to do
- it again with someone else.
- I'll let Mary know.
But you can say yes if you want to.
Oh, no, no. I think it should be
both of us or neither.
Yeah, we're a team, aren't we?
Mm.
And presumably they're looking
for people who already
- have their own partners, right?
- Maybe.
As part of the illusion.
- I'll let Mary know.
- How is the trip to New York looking?
- Ugh, the rules keep changing.
- Mm.
And I want us to go to
Sweden first, if we can.
Oh, to see family?
Yeah. I mean, they haven't seen Lyra
in months, but it's a risk.
Um, rules change again
and we're stuck there.
Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael doesn't like the cold.
David's like that, too!
CRASHING
- What was that?
- I don't know.
DAVID YELLS: Do we have any bleach?
Just wait one second.
- Everything all right?
- I just found him in the bathroom
trying to cut his own hair.
OK.
He said he was trying to
do something unpredictable.
Why?
I think he just feels like
everyone else's lives are going back
- to normal faster than his.
- Sure.
It's just Erm, it's our routine.
It's how it works. It's, you
know, intense proximity
followed by distance.
It's a You know, it's great.
It's just that you can't
have one without the other.
Mm.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Well! That was a good day!
- I thought it was a train wreck.
- Well, it was your plan.
Yeah, the plan was good,
but the feedback was horrible.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
No, you wouldn't worry about it,
cos apparently you're
the richest character since King Lear.
Oh, stop it!
I get a one-word summary
in SparkNotes, inert.
IMITATES MICHAEL: Oh, no, David,
you're not inert.
- No, David, you're not inert.
- Absolutely useless.
Look, they weren't talking about you.
They were talking about
the character of you.
The character is based on me!
But there are seismic differences.
Name one seismic difference.
- PHONE BUZZES
- Oh, thank fuck.
Oh ooh! Mary's office.
- OK.
- Tom wants to speak to us.
- Who the fuck's Tom?
- Mary's assistant.
Is it?
Yeah, right. I'm going to send him
a link. OK?
You're taller.
- I'm taller?
- On the show.
Oh, right, so I'm even less
impressive in real life?
- Hi, there!
- Ah.
Hey, hey! Tom!
- Michael!
- Hi, Tom.
David!
- How you doing?
- Oh, I'm fucking great.
Thank you so much for asking.
- Nobody ever asks me that
- Sure.
so thank you.
- And you? And you, David?
- Inert and dwarfish.
- Oh, well, it's a good look for you.
- Thank you.
- I like that on you.
- Thank you.
- And I'm good, too.
- I don't have time, Michael.
So, I just want to keep you guys
in the loop real quick.
Mary wanted you to know
that Nick and Simon called
and they were just so grateful
for the time that you spent
with them today.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
But they are stepping away
from the project.
Faff. I know.
I know. What a shame.
But fuck it, OK?
The team is already
looking for another pairing.
Another pairing?
She wants to set up a meeting
with both of you tomorrow.
That That is great!
That is great.
David, you still have
the same Gmail account?
- Of course.
- Great.
And, Michael, I don't have
any contact information.
May I send it to your band's
MySpace account?
You have no contact?
You're my agent and you have
no contact information for me?
But I do have your MySpace account
for a-a Welsh rock band
- that you used to be in?
- The Dirty Mochyns.
That's right. The Dirty Mochyns.
That's right. Right here.
And I'll just DM that.
It's bouncing back.
It's just sent me to a different
one of your band pages
on MySpace, Michael.
How many bands have you
been involved in, Michael?
Well, after the So,
after The Dirty Mochyns,
- it was The Ugly Gussets.
- Can I get these on Spotify?
Cos I might just have to
You can. Michael,
you know what I do have?
Is this you?
TheRealDavidFrost@AOL.com?
- That is not me.
- Yeah. He talks just like you.
I can read him one of his e-mails back.
"Hey, hey, ho, ho.
It's me, Michael.
"You know how I roll.
"I would love to do this thing
with Duracell.
"Batteries are my jam."
That does sound like you, Michael.
- That does sound very like you.
- I'm going to scroll through it. Tenet.
- Did you get the Tenet audition?
- The Tennant audition?
Yeah. No, Tenet. Tenet.
Christopher Nolan did a movie
called Tenet. The Joker?
Did you get that? You got a straight
offer for Joker. Did you get that?
No, I didn't get any of them.
A lot of his stuff goes to Martin Sheen.
That's usually who people really want.
OK, all right.
So, I'll forward your stuff to
Martin Sheen. Does that sound good?
- Just do that, Tom. Just do that.
- OK.
Thank you, guys. OK, so I'll
send this link to you guys.
This is about the new pairing.
No, no, no, no, no, no. She actually
wants to just talk through
the session that you had with
Simon and Nick today.
Who knows what that means.
Uh, great.
OK, talk soon!
She wants to run through the session
we had with Simon and Nick today.
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
Oh
That is worrying.
VIDEO GAME BEEPS
Hey, I'm sorry we fell out again, man.
And me.
It's just an ugly side of me, you know?
Yeah, me too.
- Yeah!
- Ah, you fiend!
Goddamn it. Grr!
When did we start playing games
to resolve our arguments?
I don't know.
What was the alien one?
Do you remember any of the titles?
Not really.
It was an argument, though, right?
About billing.
- I remember that.
- Yes. Yes. How childish is that?
If and when we work together again,
you go first.
- No!
- Yeah, I insist.
No, absolutely not.
- I don't want to.
- When in doubt, alphabetical order.
Yeah, I know the rule.
We all know the rule.
Well, Frost comes before Pegg.
- There are exceptions.
- And Nick comes before Simon.
- So
- So, what's your middle name?
- John.
- Aha!
My middle name is John.
- Is it?!
- Yeah.
Did I know that?
- Well, apparently not.
- Hey!
But you're first.
No, you're first.
- I owe you everything!
- You're You're funnier.
I know.
You're more handsome.
- I know.
- You're the best.
Yes, I know.
Oh, man. I miss you, bud.
Oh, man. I miss you.
I'm glad we're not doing it.
Yeah, me too.
Can you imagine that?
What, ending up like them?
I don't even believe they're friends.