Stan Against Evil (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [Honky-tonk playing.]
You know what I despise most about Willard's Mill? The blasted superstitions.
I'm "cursed" because I'm the Sheriff? Rubbish! All this demon nonsense is a load of if you'll pardon my language succotash.
Sweet corn, who's that? Whiskey.
[Sighs.]
Obliged.
Ahh.
You strike me as a most unfantastic and earthy individual.
Might I entreat you to converse a spell? And that is how I became friends with a boat.
Oh, it appears dawn's first light approacheth.
Whoa.
Best not to drink and ride.
[Chuckles.]
[Belches.]
But to witness a human child being vomited out of a woman's pudendum, [chuckling.]
now that, my friend, you can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor.
Where did you go? [Stomach growls.]
I believe the 3:10 to Yuma is arriving early.
Oh, dear.
[Twigs snap, horse neighs.]
Is someone there? Hmm.
[Sighs.]
Oh, dear.
[Horse snorts.]
I say! Who's there?! Is someone vexing me?! [Galloping.]
[Screams.]
[Line ringing.]
[Whispering.]
Dammit, Kenny.
Could you just just pick up the Pick up the phone! One-night stand? Barret, where do you get off changing the police scanner codes? Okay, A, you're checking up on me? And, B, I just used the actual codes, not the ones you made up, so Mine were easier to remember.
1-1-1 was young kids about to start trouble, 2-2-2 were old people bitchin' about shit, and 3-3-3 were dogs banging in the ballpark.
Kadow! Stan, I'm not in the mood.
My ex is late bringing back Grace, and I am this close to losing it.
Well, just slap a transponder on his vehicle, you'll know exactly where he is.
Well, that would be an abuse of power.
So is blasting homeless people with bug spray.
Mommy! Mommy! There she is! Hey, baby doll! Come here.
Let me see you.
Oh, I missed you.
You can all relax.
Kenny is here.
Mom, you have to come out and meet Daffodil! Ooh! Daffodil? Oh.
You might want to start stocking up on some of that "World's Greatest Dad" merch.
What are you going to do? You're going to keep a pony at your apartment in Boston? I believe you're the one that lives in the country.
You unbelievable jackass.
You bought her a pony without checking with me first? She said I was the greatest dad ever.
Oh! [Chuckling.]
Right, I forgot.
It's all about you! It's never about her, it's always about you! Every time, everything you.
Okay, honey, it's just, you know, sometimes parents fight.
And it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
You know, you two are gonna get along great.
- Terrific car, Camaro.
- Yeah.
Used to call them "Detroit Diamonds.
" Tamin' the pavement with an eight-cylinder backhand? Oh, it's the motorcycle of cars.
You wanna grab a beer? [Chuckles.]
Yeehaw! - [Horn honks.]
- Out of my way! Her fault.
[Horse snorts.]
All right.
Well, I think we have ourselves a post.
And yet, this remains, which will haunt me forever.
[Horse snorts.]
Okay.
You got me.
[Chuckles.]
Denise! Are you okay? Did you really think a pony was just gonna gallop into this town without me knowing? What did I miss? Well, uh he ate a magazine.
Oh, no, no, no.
This back yard is way too big for a pony.
We don't want him to feel small.
[Gasps.]
We should build a whole pony-sized town to boost his self-confidence! Hey, little guy.
You're gonna be the mayor of Ponytown! I'm gonna get the tools.
I got a bad feeling about this.
[Snorting.]
[Twig snaps, horse neighs.]
[Footsteps, horse neighs.]
[Woman screams.]
Can I tell you something Stan? I'm here to win Evie back.
You sure you want another bite of that apple? What can I say? She makes me whole.
Also, I gotta get back on her insurance.
Doctor says all my back teeth are about to crumble.
Just a matter of time, he said.
You got a game plan? I think I can do it.
Hey, is there any cheap motels around here? Oh, no, I won't hear of it.
Hell, why don't you just crash in my daughter's room for a few days? What about your daughter? Oh, no, she never sleeps in her own bed.
She's always in that old tire swing out by the tree.
Woke up one morning, we found a dead owl right on her belly.
She didn't even notice it.
Good kid, though.
["Lonesome Trail" playing.]
Whistlin' along on the Lonesome Trail Yippe ty-yo yippie-yi-ay [Squelching and horse whinnying.]
Yippe ty-yo yippie-yi-ay [Man screams.]
Yippe ty-yo yippie-yi-ay Yippe ty-yo Yippie-yi-ay Daffodil? [Whistles.]
Here, horsey, horse.
Oh, Grace is gonna kill me.
- Daffodil! - Evening, ma'am.
Jesus! [Laughs.]
My apologies.
I did not mean to spook you.
Then I would recommend less sneaking up on me.
Can I help you, here in my private yard? Well, I believe you can.
Now, seems you're minus a pony, and I barely missed one with my truck about a mile back.
Seemed I swerved and ended up in a ditch, so I was wondering if you'd call a tow truck? Oh, God.
Absolutely.
I'm so sorry.
Ah, ponywise, did you happen to see which direction it was headed? Oh, you don't have to go lookin' for him.
Well, he'll come back on his own.
[Chuckles.]
That's the pony code.
[Cellphone ringing.]
The pony code.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
It's Leon.
There's been a murder.
What? And something tells me the thread count of these sheets is 6-6-6.
Okay.
Be right there.
[Cellphone beeps.]
I got to go.
All right.
I'm gonna call you that truck from the car.
[Chuckles.]
Calling the truck from a car.
Modern women.
[Laughs.]
Doh! Well, now, Leon, this this isn't a murder.
Look at those bite marks.
This is an animal attack.
Maybe that's what the killer wants you to think? Here, look at this.
What am I looking at? That's my rendering of the suspect.
Why does he have big, bushy sideburns? Why does any man, Evie? It's a sign of power.
All right, listen We got to call the meat wagon and, uh all of these got to go back through the wash.
[Music playing.]
Man: You're watching "Bowling for Parole," where convicted felons risk a double-or-nothing Hey.
Stan.
I tried calling, but, of course you didn't [Gasps.]
Why is he here? Kenny? He's just crashing out here for a few days.
Great guy.
Big mistake lettin' that one go.
Okay, you really need to stay out of my personal life.
What makes you think this is all about you? Maybe I'm just fed up with all the women in this dump.
Kenny's a guy.
I'm a guy.
We're guys.
We went shopping for cargo shorts yesterday.
We were in and out in 30 seconds.
No tryin' 'em on, no pricin' 'em.
We just grabbed 'em, paid, and got lost like men.
Aah! Well, you mean like men in matching shorts.
Do you love the pockets? You know, Stan, I was going to tell you about an animal attack, and like, ask you some questions about a weird guy I met, but you know what? I can see you've got your hands full, so have fun.
Ugh.
[Door opens, shuts.]
- [Pins clatter.]
- Gutter ball! Denise: Oh, boy.
Oh, Ponytown.
Ah.
It's gonna be magnificent.
So many ponies.
Oh! You found him.
Oh, he came home at 5:47 this morning.
He came How would you? Never mind.
Nothing.
[Panting.]
Sugar Melons! Ah.
Uhh Sugar Melons! I have to tell you something.
- I'm moving to Willard's Mill.
- [Horse snorts.]
I want to put the Barret band back together.
Did you forget you're engaged? She's not the one.
So she dumped you? I prefer to think that I let her dump me, but it did come as a big surprise.
Well, Kenny this is never going to happen.
I've never been afraid of a challenge.
Except when there are stakes.
Kenny, the toothpaste is out of the tube, okay? And the reason the toothpaste is out of the tube is because the toothpaste had sex with our neighbor.
Everybody needs toothpaste.
What are you That was not an invitation! - Ugh! - So, what are you saying? The answer is no! No! What What is it?! [Horse snorting.]
And don't hang dog! [ Voice breaking .]
I'm not! This is how I walk now.
[Snorts.]
Man: Why don't you love me, Daphne? Denise, I've told you 1,000 times that the only chick flick allowed in this house is "Terminator 2.
" Exactly what is going on here? Just having a little "me" time.
Things did not go so well with Eve today, and I [Sobs.]
I just [Crying.]
She rejected me again! Because you're gay? I'm not not gay.
You're crying, aren't ya? You're right.
I'm a big baby! I'm a big, gay baby! Change my diaper! - Kenny.
- Huh? If these quarters are too cramped for you, you're more than welcome to go live in the yard.
[TV playing indistinctly.]
Well, have you happened to hear anybody kind of talking about maybe seeing something strange like a strange animal in the woods or in their yard? Well, hello there.
Hello you.
Whiskey straight up! And a Shirley Temple for the little lady.
Uh, no.
This lady's not little, and she's leaving.
Yeah.
You okay? You seem on edge.
I'm fine.
Are you? You're having man trouble.
I can tell.
[Scoffs.]
Right? Someone's come back into your life.
You have mixed feelings.
My feelings are not mixed.
Well, somewhere, there's a lucky ol' cowpoke who's gonna be putting a ring on that finger one day.
I've actually had a ring on that finger, and it was like the Hindenburg met the Titanic, and they had a baby, and that baby was Kanye West.
Nice to see you, Rusty.
I will see ya around the barnyard.
I mean, I only grow hair under the one armpit, but that doesn't make me a monster.
I'm gonna grab another bottle of Rosé.
Kenster.
Kenster.
Kenster.
Now, listen.
This whole thing has been a real barrel of I just don't think it's working out.
That's all.
Come on, Stan.
We're bros.
Yeah, look it There is a super-snazzy Red Roof Inn just down the road.
You said it burned down.
Not all of it.
I left the new issue of "Jugs" in the crapper! There's a Q&A with Hal Needham that'll blow your mind! Daffodil! Every night.
Over here.
God! What do you want? Well, you seemed upset when you left the bar, and I was afraid I had offended you.
So, I went out, and I got these.
Ohh.
Okay, Evie, here's my final offer.
Who's this? - Is that him? - What? I'm not "him," you're "him.
" Who's this him? Okay.
Neither one of you is anyone, and you both need to leave right now! Okay, if that's the way you want it, I'm out of here in a couple days.
Meantime, can I crash on your porch? No! - Ugh! - [Sighs.]
Ohh! Guh! Well, maybe I'll just sleep behind your trash cans, and you won't even know! [Grunts.]
- Sweet ride.
- Oh! Detroit Diamond.
Hells to the yeah.
Hey, sorry about what happened back there, man.
Hey.
Bros before yeah.
Yeah.
What do you say I make it up to you and buy you a beer? Can I have two? Yeah.
That's the best offer I've had all day.
[Coughs.]
- Why don't you get in here? - All right.
[Clears throat.]
'Sup? [Scoffs.]
[TV playing.]
The only person allowed to walk through that door without knocking is Fonzie, and you damn-sure ain't Fonzie.
Is Kenny still here? Nah, I had to nip that one in the bud.
You broke up with him, too? - Oh, we still text.
- Oh, no.
Why the hell do you give two craps? Kenny's not perfect.
But, you know, he is Grace's dad.
And he just makes some really stupid decisions when he's really upset.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh.
Yeah? We just got the results back from the lab.
Those bite marks? The lab says the saliva comes from are you ready for this a pony.
Uh, are you saying a pony committed these murders? No, I was thinking more of a man with giant teeth who makes pony saliva, but that that might work.
Wait a minute.
What was your name again? Ponyman.
Russel Horseguy Ponyman.
Mm.
Oh, God.
Stan! Grab me a beer, will ya? I think Kenny's in trouble.
Intrigued, old chum.
I don't want to have to do this.
[Sighs.]
All right, his car is at Old Country Road 4 and Arrowhead.
What's there? How the hell do you know where his car is? [Mumbling.]
I may have put a transponder on his car.
[Laughs.]
Evelyn Barret, welcome to the bigs, baby.
Thank you.
Can you Can we Can we just? I was gonna make some kettle corn.
- Stan?! - Oh, for the love of Christ.
Thank you! Dear God! Ugh! Well, is is no one going to say goodbye? What happened? Where am I? End of the trail, partner.
Oh, hey, hoss.
Did I blackout already? I admit, I fell for Evie hard.
Like a newborn colt nuzzling its mama.
But you keep mucking everything up.
All right.
You win.
I'll admit it now.
Untie me, and let's go grab that beer.
No can do.
You're not gonna kill me, are you? Me? [Chuckles.]
No, no, I'm no killer.
But the pony? [Neighs.]
The pony needs blood.
[Screaming.]
Oh, God! Don't do that! Aah!! Oh, God! I don't like this! Aah! Disgusting! Ohh! Oh, no, no.
[Whimpering.]
Put your hooves in the air! - [Snorts.]
- Shoot it! Kill it! Are we sure its evil? Kill it! Or untie me, and I'll kill it! Oh, I'm not gonna kill it.
Look at her eyes.
You see, all the love in the world lives inside of a pony's eyes.
Blow his head off! Hey, Kenny? You know why I'm here? I changed my mind.
I want to get the Barret band back together.
[Roars.]
- Let's kill it.
- Happy trails.
[Snarling.]
[Coughs.]
Ohh, Evie.
[Gasping and coughing.]
I was supposed to kill you, but I couldn't.
Thank you for the carrots.
Here you go.
[Groans.]
Did you really mean what you said about us? Not even a little.
[Groaning loudly.]
He comes on with the cool and the sweet car, but it's all an act.
So needy.
[Chuckles.]
And the weeping.
Oh, Christ, don't even get me started on the weeping.
Hey, guys! I got him! It looks like you're in the clear this time! Fly straight, young man!