Strangers with Candy (1999) s02e03 Episode Script

1
WOMAN: Let me
welcome you to the kickoff of
Flatpoint's Career Week.
[APPLAUSE]
I'm Dr. Rachel Williams,
supermodel.
And I'm here to
talk to you about
making your dreams a reality.
When I was a student at
Flatpoint, I was confused,
until a model agent told me
what my dreams were,
and so can you!
Just ask yourself,
"what do you want to do?"
I want to be a fireman.
I want to be an arsonist.
I want to be a
gangsta with a crew,
and knee-deep in bitches.
I'd like to root in her cellar.
Now, are there any questions
I have the ability to answer?
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
I'd like to thank Dr. Williams
for helping you G.A.S.
"Get Your
Aspirations Straight."
Now let's welcome our
other last speaker
from the Eterna-Spring
Artificial Flower Corporation,
Dr. Iris Puffybush.
[APPLAUSE]
Dreams are a great thing.
But you know something?
They take a lot of energy.
But that's okay!
There's a job waiting for you
down the block from your house
that doesn't require a thought in
your head or a hope in your heart.
So come on down and work for
the Artificial Flower factory.
Why fight it?
Okay?
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, you're all required
to fill out this form
stating your
dream career choice,
and present that choice
at Friday's assembly.
Remember, what you choose will
be on your permanent record
and be your job
for the rest of your life.
Well, dismissed.
Get out!
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time.
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV.
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
Mr. Noblet! Mr. Noblet!
Mr. Noblet!
What should I be?
Where should I work?
Uh, I don't know,
I'm sorry, go away!
Mr. Noblet!
Mr. Noblet!
People, people, please!
For those of you who
still need a little direction,
I'm offering an optional career
aptitude test after school.
I stress "optional."
It takes a long time
to take the test,
and if you really want to stay
inside on such a beautiful day,
come on by it's your life.
Mr. Noblet!
Mr. Noblet!
[BELL RINGS]
Mr. Noblet?
Uhh Jerri.
I like your new fake mustache.
Looks real.
It is real, Jerri.
[CHUCKLING]
Right.
Wh-what do you want?
I'm confused.
Uh-huh.
Dreams
well, what are mine?
I don't know, Jerri,
it's your future.
What do you want
to do in the future?
Go to my locker.
I mean way down the line, Jerri.
I want you to think
far into the future.
What are you going to do?
Open it!
Good luck at the Artificial
Flower factory.
Dreams.
JELLINECK: Okay, make
sure you drop off your projects.
I'm gonna' fire them
this afternoon!
Good work, everyone.
Great, ashtray
Oh, look, an ashtray!
Got an ashtray here
Mr. Jellineck.
Oh, hey, Jerri.
Hey, how about that
career rally today, huh?
My God, did you hear
that supermodel?
She was a great speaker!
Yeah, I bet she'd yank it off!
Yeah, but did you here what
she said about living your dreams?
Did you hear, Jerri?
Well, are you living your
dreams, Mr. Jellineck?
Well, I'm an artist.
Aren't you a teacher?
Yes, Jerri, but
I get the best of both worlds.
I get to teach you
youngsters how to create,
and then I get to spend
my summers
thinking about wanting to paint.
Wow!
Must be nice to hope for
the thing you wish to want.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Sure beats doing it.
Why don't you
run along now, Jerri?
All right, see ya.
It's time to start doing.
[TOILET FLUSHING & GURGLING]
Hey, Orlando!
How's the after-school job
you're doing
during school going?
Okay.
Monkey clean, monkey do!
Hey, guess what?
What?
I know what I want
to do with my life.
I found my dream!
That's great, what is it, Jerri?
Well, I'm floating down
a hallway, and I'm naked,
and it's me, but
it's not really me
because I'm watching
me walk naked.
And then suddenly,
I'm falling off a cliff,
and before I hit the bottom,
I wake up!
Who would pay you
to do a job like that?
I don't know
I've turned some
pretty freaky tricks.
What's your dream, Orlando?
Well, my parents insist that my
dream is to be an oncologist.
Onkologist?
That sounds funny.
Onk-onk, like a clown horn!
No, an oncologist is
a doctor who treats cancer.
Cancer?
That's hilarious!
Hey, I oughta be a stand-up.
I'm sad.
What am I gonna do with my life?
Ahh yes, that's
absolutely delightful.
Ahh
Principal Black
Ooh, it tingles.
Professor Williams.
It's actually fitting
that you're here.
The words that you spoke today
helped me rediscover my dreams,
and as a result,
Principal Blackman,
I'd like to, regretfully
tender my resignation
So long.
I know it's usually customary
to give a two-weeks' notice,
but I thought
No need to worry about that.
Oh
I did pay for the kiln
with my own money,
and I assume that the school
would like to reimburse me
Take it with, okay?
Maybe I should stay around
until you hire a new art teacher
Nonsense, uh
I'll have the Driver's Ed
instructor teach your class.
How hard can it be?
Even monkeys can finger paint.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ohh
Hmmmm
What's a kiln?
Who cares.
JELLINECK:
Hey, Jerri!
Jerri, get over here.
What are you doing?
Just loading up the kiln.
Therma-Flare 5000.
Hey, I want to thank you
for asking me about my dreams.
It was a long overdue
kick in the balls.
You know what I realized?
That my whole
teaching career is a farce
wrapped in a masquerade,
smothered in a façade frosting.
I was a complete zero, Jerri.
And now?
Well, now you can multiply
that zero by 100.
Wow!
That must be a lot!
I'm off to
follow my dreams, Jerri!
Me too!
What are they?
What are my dreams?
[TIRES SKID TO A HALT]
Goddamn it!
Ha ha ha ha.
I close my eyes ♪
only for a moment
and a moment's gone ♪
all my dreams ♪
pass before my eyes
a curiosity ♪
a dust in the wind ♪
Mr. Noblet.
Jerri!
What can I do for ya?
Well, I'm here for
the career test.
Super duper!
Yeah?
Okay, you just fill out
this multiple choice
Hold on, I should
probably find out
if you can answer
honestly, first.
What?
Sit down, sit down.
Okay.
[BUZZ-BUZZ]
Okay, I'm gonna attach these
electrodes to your face
[STEADY BUZZ]
And ask you a simple
series of questions.
Questions?
Just so we can figure out
if this machine actually works.
Okay, what's your
favorite color?
Lemon.
[BUZZ]
Okay, you're lying.
Rust.
[DING]
What is your favorite food?
Crêpes Suzette!
[BUZZ]
Jerri!
Meatballs.
[DING]
Damn it, Jerri, you don't
have to impress me.
Just answer
the questions honestly.
We're trying to figure out
what you're good at.
Okay?
All right.
Now if you could be
any animal in the world,
what would it be?
Kitten.
[BUZZ]
Jerri!
Snake.
[DING]
Well, we know
you're good at lying.
Okay, why don't you fill out
this multiple choice
somewhere away from me.
And I will read this textbook.
Mr. Noblet.
Jerri!
Finished.
Okay!
[DING]
Let's add up your score
Let's see what that
correlates to in the back,
and we will know what career
you are best suited for.
Right.
Excited?
Yeah!
Let's see
doctor, lawyer
Junky whore.
Junky whore!
Wait
I've done that.
I wanted to follow my dreams
like Mr. Jellineck!
What are you talking about?
Oh, didn't you hear?
He just quit school so he
could follow his dreams.
Why didn't you tell me,
you stupid junky whore?!
Goddamn it!
[RAPID KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Coming.
[MORE KNOCKING]
Coming, Mr. Patience-of-a-Flood!
Jesus, Mary, and
Chuck.
Geoffrey.
Well, how's the dream going?
I was planning
to call you, Chuck.
Why are you pushing me away?
I'm not pushing you away,
I'm pulling me towards myself.
I'm following my dreams, Chuck.
Dreams?
Dreams, Geoffrey?
You don't see me prancing
off to be a rock star.
Do you?
You want to be a rock star?
No!
You think I have a chance?
No.
Good!
'Cause I like being a teacher.
I love it!
And I love being an artist.
And all I need is
what's in here
And what's here.
Can I get a couple 100 bucks?
Why don't you sell
one of your paintings?
Why don't you sell
that fake mustache?
It's real!
And so are my dreams!
As I rose above
the noise and confusion ♪
just to get a glimpse
behind this illusion ♪
I was ♪
All right, everybody, on you go.
On the career wagon.
Let's move it, move it!
We're burnin'
daylight here, people!
Everybody on watch
the fingers and toes.
This whole thing's got to be
over in Carlot in an hour,
so I want you on there,
living your dreams,
and then gettin'
the hell out, understand?
Move!
Move, move!
[SLURPING]
Step up, step up.
I am the Career Wizard.
See your dreams in action
in our career simulator.
Through our
robots of the future,
you'll experience first-hand
what it's actually
like to be a banker!
ROBOT VOICE: I'm a
banker, give me your money.
Give me your money.
That's it Orlando,
that's what I want to be
A robot!
So life-like, so real!
Come on, let's go.
Who here has been to the doctor?
But who here has been a doctor?
I'm gonna replace your organs
with a baboon's!
Give me your money.
Give me your money.
Don't bang on the glass!
It enrages the robots.
Move along.
[FRANTIC KNOCKING]
Mr. Jelly!
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
Mr. Jelly!
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
Mr. Jelly!
Mr. Singh!
Well, come on in.
What can I do ya' for?
Where's the rent?
Well, I'm an artist now, so
I want the rent now!
Okay, easy there, look
Here, why don't, uh
This ought to hold you
for a month or so
Self-portrait.
Crumple, crumple, crumple!
You take that.
See ya' later.
May the perpetual light
shine down upon us
and God's grace be felt by all.
Give me your money.
Give me your money.
Keep up, almost there.
[SLURP]
All right, kids,
you'll like this next exhibit.
Understand?
You will like it.
Nothing like the scent
of fresh plastic flowers!
I love my job, I love my job.
So thank you for stopping
by the Career-Simulator Wagon,
funded by Eterna-Spring
Artificial Flowers,
"you'll be dead
before they are."
I love my job!
JERRI:
I love my job!
I have no dreams!
I love my job!
I have no dreams!
I love my job!
I have no dreams!
I love my job!
I have no dreams.
Live your dreams.
MAN [ON RECORD]:
So you wanna be a painter.
Oh God yes!
First set up your
canvas and paints.
Way ahead of ya'.
Got a bowl of fruit?
Sort of.
[FLIES BUZZING]
Look at it.
Absorb the rich tropical
colors of the guava.
Guava?
I can't afford tropical fruits!
Luxuriate in the roughly
rumpled texture of the avocado.
Avocado's not a fruit!
I know what you are saying,
"avocado is not a fruit."
You think it's a vegetable.
Well, Mr. Produce Man,
technically, it's a nut.
And I think they're delicious.
Now that we are all inspired,
let's get some painting done.
Remember, never believe
that you are a failure
[SKIPPING]
You are a failure
You are a failure
You are a failure
You are a
Fruit fruit
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hello?
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
Hello!!
[DOOR OPENING]
Pranksters!
Geezuz, what's the deal?
I was out there forever.
I'm sorry, Jerri,
my phone's broken.
How's your dream comin'
along, Mr. Jellineck?
Great, Jerri!
Hey, I bet the kids at
school really miss me.
Nope.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Nope.
Thanks.
Hey, why don't you
paint me while I talk?
I don't know.
Should I remove my clothes?
I don't think so.
Are you sure?
I'm positive.
Why don't I remove
my pants and panties?
Look, Jerri, what do you want?
Well, I'm having a lot of
trouble cornering my dreams.
All I know is that when you
quit school that day,
the things you said
really inspired me.
Hey, Jerri, do you uh,
remember what I said?
Please?
Of course, you said,
"something something
Something."
That loses a little "oompf"
the second time around.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Mr. Jelly!
Mr. Jelly!
Mr. Jelly, I know
you're in there!
Heyyy, I got a good idea.
Why don't you and I
lie on the floor
and pretend like we're not here.
I want you out!
I bring the police!
Hey, I got another great idea!
Maybe later tonight
I could move out
under the cover of darkness.
Wanna' help?
If I can remove
my pants and panties.
Crumple, crumple, crumple!
Where do you want the lamp?
Oh, just set it down there
on the grass there, Jerri.
Looks good!
Yeah?
Yeah.
Ya' need some help
riggin' up your canvas?
I don't think so, Jerri,
I'm gonna
I don't think
I'm gonna' paint today.
I'm gonna' put that dream
on temporary hold
and chase some
new dreams, like
Not freezing to death.
You're a real
inspiration, Mr. Jellineck.
How's that possible?
[FLY BUZZING]
Well, you're willing
to ruin your whole life
just to follow some dream.
What is my dream?
I don't know, Jerri.
But I guarantee it
doesn't matter what it is.
Doesn't matter what it is?
Doesn't matter what it is
It doesn't matter what it is!
Say, Jerri, do ya' got a book
of matches or some kerosene?
Mr. J, you'll have to forage
for breakfast without me.
I've got a presentation to make!
[WEAKLY]
Go get 'em!
And that's why I want to work at
the Artificial Flower factory.
[APPLAUSE]
Another one for
the flower factory!
And now, our
final dreamer today,
Jerri Blank!
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
Jerri!
Jerri!
You're all a bunch of rubes!
Willing to settle for a job
at the Artificial
Flower Plant plant.
Like a hooker settling for the
first pimp to call her pretty!
Well, I will never
work for the man,
because what I learned
from my hero, Mr. Jellineck
is that it doesn't matter
what you dream,
it's that you dream,
and that's my dream;
to dream.
Well, there he is now,
Mr. Jellineck!
Well, he can tell you himself
what I think
he thought he meant.
[APPLAUSE]
I want my job back, please!
What?
What about the dreams?
Dreams are for fools!
I'm hungry and tired and
I want a warm place to crap.
Could I have my job back please?
Someone have that man
washed and shaved
and stood in front of
a room full of students!
Keep your hands off my kiln!
So go on, Blank.
Why don't you tell
all of us rubes
what you learned
from Mr. Jellineck?
Rubes?
Did I did I say rubes?
I believe that was the word.
I meant it in a nice way.
Well, I guess what I learned is,
if you're gonna
reach for a star
Reach for the lowest
one you can!
I'm gonna work at the
Artificial Flower Plant plant!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
Yes, you are!
Ah-choo!
Carry on
my wayward son ♪
there'll be peace
when you are gone ♪
lay your
weary head to rest ♪
don't you cry no more ♪
No!
Carry on ♪
carry on ♪
Carry on
my wayward son ♪
there'll be peace
when you are done ♪
lay your
weary head to rest ♪
don't you cry ♪