Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e03 Episode Script
Ladies Night
Steve, do you have any recommendations? I'm on Yelp looking for a restaurant to take my wife to for our anniversary.
I want somewhere that's totally romantic with amazing food.
Well, there's plenty of places like that in Pittsburgh.
For under $10.
With unlimited breadsticks, and I wouldn't say no to a topless waitress.
Hey, Steve, you know, this place is on Yelp, too.
Oh, uh, what do they say about us? Well, stanley729 says, "Great place if you want to grab a drink In 1956.
" What's he talking about? We're hip.
Not according to I-m-a-belieber.
Says, "Sullivan & Son "is a nursing home with beer taps.
The only thing missing is the 3:00 fruit cup.
" Hey, that's a good idea You know, at 3:00, I could use something to keep the trains moving.
That would be nice, 'cause around 4:30, I'm ready for dinner.
You eat that late? I got to shake things up.
Look, kid.
Trendy bars never last.
You know how many bars have come and gone in this neighborhood? Oh, yeah.
We've had disco bars, punk bars.
Hey, remember that bar where the girls danced in cages? Yeah, what was that called again? Tails.
And then they opened that gay bar down the street, Heads.
I miss that place.
Hey.
Think what you want.
I worked there one night.
I made $17,000.
Were you a bartender? It's all hazy.
All right, guys, I'll be honest.
Our clientele is getting older.
And when they die out, so does the bar.
Look, Steve, that's the bar business.
It's cyclical.
Steve, you got a classic here.
This is an old-school bar.
And if young people don't appreciate it, screw 'em.
- I got to bring in a younger crowd.
- Ah! Hey, what about a ladies' night? You know, half-priced drinks for the girls? I mean, some bars do that.
Yeah, crappy bars.
That's a terrible idea, Steve.
It's just gonna be a bunch of trashy women and guys who want to hook up with trashy women.
Fingers crossed! I come here after work to have a drink and relax.
I'm telling you, Steve, if you have a ladies' night, you may as well rename the bar Sullivan & Douchebag.
I agree with Melanie.
Ladies' nights are demeaning to women.
They come in here, and they're forced to act like meat on display.
Fingers crossed.
Hey.
You guys got it all wrong.
Melanie, a ladies' night would be a lot of fun.
I'm telling you, Steve, you're gonna ruin everything that people love about this bar.
Do it, Steve.
It'd be nice to have some actual women in here.
Hello! I'm an actual woman.
Not sold.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da d da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Ladies' night was a great idea, Steve.
There are so many unbelievably hot chicks here.
And where have cosmos been all my life? - Hello, there.
- Hi.
Here.
Feel my shirt.
What material do you think it is? I don't know.
Cotton? I was thinking more like Boyfriend material.
I know.
I know.
Cheesy, right? But, hey.
It made you smile.
Now feel my pants.
Kidding! I'll get us a drink.
Oh, did it hurt?! I'm sorry? Did it hurt when you got hit by the pretty bus? I know, cheesy, right? But, hey.
Made you smile.
I'm Neal.
I'll get us a drink.
Hey! Bartender! Hey, Roy, aren't you supposed to be having dinner with your wife? We ate already.
What am I supposed to do? Stay out with her all night? Didn't you want to go home with her and get, uhromantic? Already knocked that out.
Whoa! Look at that girl in the pink dress.
I'm going in.
Ahmed, hold my cosmo.
If your face is as hot as your ass, I'm gonna be into both of them big time.
- Are you kidding me?! - Oh, Melanie! I didn't know it was you.
Where's your uniform? That is the most disgusting line I've ever heard.
Does that work on anyone? It works in Mexico.
Honey, you look beautiful.
Oh, really? I wanted to give it a chance.
Now I just feel stupid in this dress.
No, you look hot.
I hope you're going commando.
- What? - Well, there's no point in putting your instrument back in the case if someone's gonna play it later.
Steve, there's someone in my seat.
This is what I'm talking about.
The new people are messing everything up.
I've been shaping that seat for years, and now she is crushing my ass dimple.
Hank, be nice.
I need new people in here.
I am sorry.
Were you sitting here? Well, it's kind of my seat.
- Hank.
- But, uh, it's okay.
I'm sure you're enjoying it.
You probably had to sit on the floor in the dirt where you grew up.
No, no.
I respect tradition.
Please.
No, no.
Look, it's okay.
I apologize for being rude.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- Well A true gentleman.
They don't make them like you anymore.
Yeah, guys like me have been discontinued.
It's so hard to find the parts.
Well, that depends on who's looking.
Uh, Steve, I'll have a-a thing that goes in the glass here.
Two investment bankers just showed me their big, fancy watches.
I would have almost preferred that they show me their tiny penises.
Great talking to you, babe.
I'll be thinking of you and only you.
Hey, there.
I'm Neal.
Ohh, c-can you call 911? What's wrong? I'm dying to go out with you.
Oh-ho.
I know, cheesy, right? But, hey.
It made you smile.
I'll get us a drink.
Yo, bartender, another round on me.
Sure.
- Hey.
Can I ask you a favor? - Okay.
I need a little help.
You, uh, notice any girls here not ordering alcohol? Usually means they're on some type of medication.
I like the crazy girls.
You know what they say, right? Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed! Excuse me? You know, the ones with emotional problems, daddy issues.
Just shoot them my way, bro.
What's your deal? Well, it is ladies' night, right? The point is to get ladies.
Yeah, but how many do you need? How many you got? - Are you for real? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I being judged by a bartender? Hey.
This is my bar.
And tonight was about bringing in new people, but not guys like you, so why don't you drink up and go home? Wow.
Never been kicked out of a bar before.
I find that hard to believe.
Look, your drinks are on me.
Just hit the road, pal.
Oh, my God.
You were right.
I'm a horrible, horrible person.
W-wait a minute.
What? Well, my mother would be very ashamed of me.
I'll go now, and I'll just beg of you some forgiveness.
Hey, w-what's with the accent? What accent? This is how I really speak.
Then why'd you talk the other way? Because if I approach any girl in Pittsburgh with this accent, they're gonna ask me questions about their Verizon account.
Uh, this guy can score.
And this guy can code.
So, the player guy It's all an act? That's correct, but How else am I supposed to get any sweet punani? That's a question we all ask ourselves.
Look.
I know how you feel.
You don't think it's weird growing up Korean and Irish? Mm.
Look.
You just got to be yourself.
To quote the poet Maya Angelou, "the punani you get from being yourself is the sweetest punani of all.
" Those are beautiful words, but do you really think any girl can like me for me? Well, Steve, ladies' night is a total failure.
I'm out of here.
Melanie, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, I, uhI just happen to know a gentleman who is not slick or phony or afraid to be himself, right? Melanie, I'd like you to meet my new friend.
Sanjay.
- Hi, Sanjay.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Why don't we have a seat? UmThank you.
My pleasure.
I'm Melanie.
- So, where are you from? - I'm from Mumbai.
Oh, you're Indian? That's cool.
Hey, can you help me activate my phone? - Kidding! - Oh! Wow that dress that girl's almost wearing should be illegal.
What do you think I'd have to do to get the rest of it off? Have a job.
What are you staring at? Oh, I'm not staring.
I'm sympathizing.
About what? What you go through because of men.
We turn you into these sex objects and you're forced to play a part that really isn't you.
Dude, your game is weak.
You know, sometimes when I'm getting ready to go out and I'm squeezing into my spanx, I wonder what the hell I'm doing.
I'm saying lose the spanx.
Breathe.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
Okay, shit just got real in here.
Things aren't built the way they used to be.
These days, everything falls apart.
That's why I drive an '89 Ford F-150.
I have a '94! I can't believe you drive a car older than mine.
Well, I love older things.
Yeah, they're safe.
They're reliable.
They make noises when you ride them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, look at this place.
The bar is packed with fresh faces.
Even Hank is scoring on ladies' night.
Yeah, but there's got to be at least 30 years between Hank and that girl.
Who cares? Age is just a number.
I myself have a very big range.
As long as they're out of diapers yet not back in them, game on.
This guy is bleeding out, so I pinch his carotid artery, hold it all the way to the hospital, while driving.
My labor day was very different.
I-I burned a hot dog and could not save it.
Let me get another round, huh? Oh.
Thank you, Steve.
You showed me I could be my Indian self and now I'm sitting with the prettiest girl in the bar.
Thank you, thank you! Bless you! How about them pirates? Yeah.
What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.
If a ghost is a girl with a big dong, then, yeah, I saw a ghost.
Hank's lady-friend is not a lady.
She's a man.
Wow! Back home, she'd be a top earner.
We have to tell Hank.
Why? Chances are Hank will never even find out.
Ah, she's right.
Those people very good at doing the tuck.
You are hilarious! Hey, I'm buying us another round.
Wow, a beautiful woman who also buys the drinks? Back home you'd be worth Two more, Steve.
That's it? "Two more, Steve"? How about, "I was wrong, Steve.
"This ladies' night is great.
"The bar isn't ruined after all.
If anything, it's better.
" Once nice guy in a sea of a-holes doesn't make ladies' night a success.
She's unbelievable.
She'll never give me credit for anything.
Steve, it's my anniversary.
Please stop reminding me of my wife.
Hey, there.
Are you Google? What? 'Cause you're everything I'm searching for.
Cheesy, right? But, hey.
Made you smile.
Hey, listen.
I'm with someone right now.
But I'm gonna give you my number, and then Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, sanjay.
What what What are you doing? Oh, h-hi, Steve.
Actually, I was just helping this fine lady with her Internet problem.
Yeah.
Can you excuse us? What the hell, man? What are you doing? It was just a reflex, a bad habit.
Melanie's gone for one second, you're already talking to another chick? Dude, did you see how hot that girl was? Whoa.
You're back to that guy? Wait a minute.
Which guy am I with you again? What guy is the real you? Okay, fine.
Whatever.
My name isn't Sanjay.
It's Neal.
You're not from India? No, I'm from San Diego, bro.
My parents work at Seaworld.
But I thought that Steve, you're not getting it, bro.
Let me be perfectly clear.
I'm a douchebag.
Oh, there she is! Oh, thank you so much for the drinks.
Steve, I think this is the part where you go back to the bar.
- Yeah, b - Steve, I have to thank you.
You've brought me so many wonderful things, but now it's time for you to go, so Shoo, shoo.
Maybe now's a good time to tell him.
Now? When they're dancing hip-to-hip? More like tip-to-tip.
Boy, you got some shoulders on you.
I do workout.
Mm, I love your scratchy beard.
Same here.
Uh, do you have a roll of quarters in your pocket? No.
Hank, I'm a man.
You knew that, right? Uh, can't say as I did.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, you know that girl I was just dancing with? The one I've been talking to all night? Well, she's really a guy, and you know what that means? Brace yourself.
I'm a gay.
Hank, I've known you for 30 years.
You're not gay.
I just danced with a guy.
I'm flaming! I'm gonna be a terrible gay.
I don't even like having someone behind me in line! Hank, calm down.
It doesn't matter if she's a man or a woman.
The most important thing is that you two connected and you had a great time.
So just hold on to that.
Nobody cares, and neither should you.
- Really? - Really.
But right now, you aren't a gentleman.
Nobody leaves a lady alone on the dance floor or anybody.
That's rude, and that's not the Hank I know.
You're right.
Uh, the penis messed me all up.
Uh, I'd like to apologize for my abrupt departure.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
How would I have known? It is ladies' night.
That's when boys like me get all dressed up.
I think there may be two kinds of ladies' night.
It's just that I'm basically, uh, what's the word uh, a strict vagina-tarian.
Now, I believe I owe you a dance.
Are you sure? Well, I'm old-school, and that's what you do.
So, let me get this straight.
The guy's a real douchebag pretending to be a guy pretending to be a fake douchebag.
That's new.
You got to respect that.
She was such a pain in the ass when I was right about ladies' night.
Can you imagine what she'll be like when I'm wrong about that guy? Can I imagine what it's like to ever be wrong? I'm married.
I can't imagine what it's like to ever be right.
Hey.
Good night, Steve.
Whoa, where you guys going? Oh, we're gonna go get a bite to eat.
My tummy is all num-num.
Hey.
Thanks for being cool, bro.
Melanie.
Melanie, stop.
He is not a nice Indian guy.
He is an old-fashioned American douchebag.
What are you talking about? His name's not even Sanjay.
It's Neal.
He's from San Diego.
What is he saying? I do not understand your customs.
Please drop the accent.
You're not even from India.
Steve, you kind of sound crazy right now.
Yeah, I-I'm from the slums of Mumbai.
We were very poor, but we danced and sang.
If you're from India, who's the prime minister? Manmohan Singh.
I actually don't know if that's true or not.
Look, I saw him hitting on another girl when you went to the bathroom.
All he wants to do is sleep with you tonight and move on to the next girl.
Sleep with him? We were just gonna get a slice of pizza.
Yes, pizza.
But then we'd go back to your place, right? Well, not tonight.
I mean, we just met.
Yeah, but second base would be on the table? I don't do anything like that before the third date.
Are you kidding me?! By the third date, I'm usually bringing your friends into it.
See? You are a douchebag! So, just to clarify, there's no person I can be, there's no accent I can do to get you to sleep with me? No.
And your accents are a joke.
'Ello, ladies! I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.
My Jaguar has broken down.
Could I Could I get a lift? You got to hand it to him.
He is good at accents.
Steve.
Melanie, I know what you're gonna say.
I was wrong about ladies' night, and you're right.
I, uh I lost sight of my regulars, who are my most important customers.
It was a stupid thing to do.
Yeah, it was.
But, hey, look.
We all make mistakes.
I fell for the guy's act.
I feel like an idiot.
I'm all dressed up with no place to go.
No place to go? This is your bar.
Pittsburgh's best-kept secret, according to Yelp.
Really? Well, I wrote that one.
But, uh, come on in here.
I'll get you a drink.
You can write one yourself.
Something along the lines of, "great place to unwind after work.
Cute bartender.
" I'll let you finish the rest.
Hank, this was really fun.
- I had a great time.
- Me too.
And, again, I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding.
Forget about it.
Well, if you ever change your mind Here's my card.
Oh, man! You're the manager at Lou's House of Waffles?! This is very bittersweet.
Wow, Hank.
Quite a night, huh? Well, Jack, these are the kind of experiences that make you grow as a person.
Which I'm usually against.
I can't believe it.
Ahmed's hooking up, and I'm going home alone on ladies' night.
Who's this? That's the one Hank was with all night.
Oh, she was smokin' hot.
- Hey, where you going? - Lou's House of Waffles.
Somebody's getting a really hot lady and waffles.
Those waffles come with sausage.
Even better.
Girls grow up looking at fashion magazines that sell this perfect image of the female body that doesn't really exist.
It messes with their heads.
That's so true! Real women have curves.
They're supposed to.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothing! Yeah, but, most of these guys want this supermodel fantasy.
That's sad.
You know, I've never met a man more enlightened than you are.
Hey, do you want to go out sometime? Yeah, you're a little heavy for me.
I want somewhere that's totally romantic with amazing food.
Well, there's plenty of places like that in Pittsburgh.
For under $10.
With unlimited breadsticks, and I wouldn't say no to a topless waitress.
Hey, Steve, you know, this place is on Yelp, too.
Oh, uh, what do they say about us? Well, stanley729 says, "Great place if you want to grab a drink In 1956.
" What's he talking about? We're hip.
Not according to I-m-a-belieber.
Says, "Sullivan & Son "is a nursing home with beer taps.
The only thing missing is the 3:00 fruit cup.
" Hey, that's a good idea You know, at 3:00, I could use something to keep the trains moving.
That would be nice, 'cause around 4:30, I'm ready for dinner.
You eat that late? I got to shake things up.
Look, kid.
Trendy bars never last.
You know how many bars have come and gone in this neighborhood? Oh, yeah.
We've had disco bars, punk bars.
Hey, remember that bar where the girls danced in cages? Yeah, what was that called again? Tails.
And then they opened that gay bar down the street, Heads.
I miss that place.
Hey.
Think what you want.
I worked there one night.
I made $17,000.
Were you a bartender? It's all hazy.
All right, guys, I'll be honest.
Our clientele is getting older.
And when they die out, so does the bar.
Look, Steve, that's the bar business.
It's cyclical.
Steve, you got a classic here.
This is an old-school bar.
And if young people don't appreciate it, screw 'em.
- I got to bring in a younger crowd.
- Ah! Hey, what about a ladies' night? You know, half-priced drinks for the girls? I mean, some bars do that.
Yeah, crappy bars.
That's a terrible idea, Steve.
It's just gonna be a bunch of trashy women and guys who want to hook up with trashy women.
Fingers crossed! I come here after work to have a drink and relax.
I'm telling you, Steve, if you have a ladies' night, you may as well rename the bar Sullivan & Douchebag.
I agree with Melanie.
Ladies' nights are demeaning to women.
They come in here, and they're forced to act like meat on display.
Fingers crossed.
Hey.
You guys got it all wrong.
Melanie, a ladies' night would be a lot of fun.
I'm telling you, Steve, you're gonna ruin everything that people love about this bar.
Do it, Steve.
It'd be nice to have some actual women in here.
Hello! I'm an actual woman.
Not sold.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da d da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Ladies' night was a great idea, Steve.
There are so many unbelievably hot chicks here.
And where have cosmos been all my life? - Hello, there.
- Hi.
Here.
Feel my shirt.
What material do you think it is? I don't know.
Cotton? I was thinking more like Boyfriend material.
I know.
I know.
Cheesy, right? But, hey.
It made you smile.
Now feel my pants.
Kidding! I'll get us a drink.
Oh, did it hurt?! I'm sorry? Did it hurt when you got hit by the pretty bus? I know, cheesy, right? But, hey.
Made you smile.
I'm Neal.
I'll get us a drink.
Hey! Bartender! Hey, Roy, aren't you supposed to be having dinner with your wife? We ate already.
What am I supposed to do? Stay out with her all night? Didn't you want to go home with her and get, uhromantic? Already knocked that out.
Whoa! Look at that girl in the pink dress.
I'm going in.
Ahmed, hold my cosmo.
If your face is as hot as your ass, I'm gonna be into both of them big time.
- Are you kidding me?! - Oh, Melanie! I didn't know it was you.
Where's your uniform? That is the most disgusting line I've ever heard.
Does that work on anyone? It works in Mexico.
Honey, you look beautiful.
Oh, really? I wanted to give it a chance.
Now I just feel stupid in this dress.
No, you look hot.
I hope you're going commando.
- What? - Well, there's no point in putting your instrument back in the case if someone's gonna play it later.
Steve, there's someone in my seat.
This is what I'm talking about.
The new people are messing everything up.
I've been shaping that seat for years, and now she is crushing my ass dimple.
Hank, be nice.
I need new people in here.
I am sorry.
Were you sitting here? Well, it's kind of my seat.
- Hank.
- But, uh, it's okay.
I'm sure you're enjoying it.
You probably had to sit on the floor in the dirt where you grew up.
No, no.
I respect tradition.
Please.
No, no.
Look, it's okay.
I apologize for being rude.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- Well A true gentleman.
They don't make them like you anymore.
Yeah, guys like me have been discontinued.
It's so hard to find the parts.
Well, that depends on who's looking.
Uh, Steve, I'll have a-a thing that goes in the glass here.
Two investment bankers just showed me their big, fancy watches.
I would have almost preferred that they show me their tiny penises.
Great talking to you, babe.
I'll be thinking of you and only you.
Hey, there.
I'm Neal.
Ohh, c-can you call 911? What's wrong? I'm dying to go out with you.
Oh-ho.
I know, cheesy, right? But, hey.
It made you smile.
I'll get us a drink.
Yo, bartender, another round on me.
Sure.
- Hey.
Can I ask you a favor? - Okay.
I need a little help.
You, uh, notice any girls here not ordering alcohol? Usually means they're on some type of medication.
I like the crazy girls.
You know what they say, right? Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed! Excuse me? You know, the ones with emotional problems, daddy issues.
Just shoot them my way, bro.
What's your deal? Well, it is ladies' night, right? The point is to get ladies.
Yeah, but how many do you need? How many you got? - Are you for real? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I being judged by a bartender? Hey.
This is my bar.
And tonight was about bringing in new people, but not guys like you, so why don't you drink up and go home? Wow.
Never been kicked out of a bar before.
I find that hard to believe.
Look, your drinks are on me.
Just hit the road, pal.
Oh, my God.
You were right.
I'm a horrible, horrible person.
W-wait a minute.
What? Well, my mother would be very ashamed of me.
I'll go now, and I'll just beg of you some forgiveness.
Hey, w-what's with the accent? What accent? This is how I really speak.
Then why'd you talk the other way? Because if I approach any girl in Pittsburgh with this accent, they're gonna ask me questions about their Verizon account.
Uh, this guy can score.
And this guy can code.
So, the player guy It's all an act? That's correct, but How else am I supposed to get any sweet punani? That's a question we all ask ourselves.
Look.
I know how you feel.
You don't think it's weird growing up Korean and Irish? Mm.
Look.
You just got to be yourself.
To quote the poet Maya Angelou, "the punani you get from being yourself is the sweetest punani of all.
" Those are beautiful words, but do you really think any girl can like me for me? Well, Steve, ladies' night is a total failure.
I'm out of here.
Melanie, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, I, uhI just happen to know a gentleman who is not slick or phony or afraid to be himself, right? Melanie, I'd like you to meet my new friend.
Sanjay.
- Hi, Sanjay.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Why don't we have a seat? UmThank you.
My pleasure.
I'm Melanie.
- So, where are you from? - I'm from Mumbai.
Oh, you're Indian? That's cool.
Hey, can you help me activate my phone? - Kidding! - Oh! Wow that dress that girl's almost wearing should be illegal.
What do you think I'd have to do to get the rest of it off? Have a job.
What are you staring at? Oh, I'm not staring.
I'm sympathizing.
About what? What you go through because of men.
We turn you into these sex objects and you're forced to play a part that really isn't you.
Dude, your game is weak.
You know, sometimes when I'm getting ready to go out and I'm squeezing into my spanx, I wonder what the hell I'm doing.
I'm saying lose the spanx.
Breathe.
You're beautiful just the way you are.
Okay, shit just got real in here.
Things aren't built the way they used to be.
These days, everything falls apart.
That's why I drive an '89 Ford F-150.
I have a '94! I can't believe you drive a car older than mine.
Well, I love older things.
Yeah, they're safe.
They're reliable.
They make noises when you ride them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, look at this place.
The bar is packed with fresh faces.
Even Hank is scoring on ladies' night.
Yeah, but there's got to be at least 30 years between Hank and that girl.
Who cares? Age is just a number.
I myself have a very big range.
As long as they're out of diapers yet not back in them, game on.
This guy is bleeding out, so I pinch his carotid artery, hold it all the way to the hospital, while driving.
My labor day was very different.
I-I burned a hot dog and could not save it.
Let me get another round, huh? Oh.
Thank you, Steve.
You showed me I could be my Indian self and now I'm sitting with the prettiest girl in the bar.
Thank you, thank you! Bless you! How about them pirates? Yeah.
What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.
If a ghost is a girl with a big dong, then, yeah, I saw a ghost.
Hank's lady-friend is not a lady.
She's a man.
Wow! Back home, she'd be a top earner.
We have to tell Hank.
Why? Chances are Hank will never even find out.
Ah, she's right.
Those people very good at doing the tuck.
You are hilarious! Hey, I'm buying us another round.
Wow, a beautiful woman who also buys the drinks? Back home you'd be worth Two more, Steve.
That's it? "Two more, Steve"? How about, "I was wrong, Steve.
"This ladies' night is great.
"The bar isn't ruined after all.
If anything, it's better.
" Once nice guy in a sea of a-holes doesn't make ladies' night a success.
She's unbelievable.
She'll never give me credit for anything.
Steve, it's my anniversary.
Please stop reminding me of my wife.
Hey, there.
Are you Google? What? 'Cause you're everything I'm searching for.
Cheesy, right? But, hey.
Made you smile.
Hey, listen.
I'm with someone right now.
But I'm gonna give you my number, and then Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, sanjay.
What what What are you doing? Oh, h-hi, Steve.
Actually, I was just helping this fine lady with her Internet problem.
Yeah.
Can you excuse us? What the hell, man? What are you doing? It was just a reflex, a bad habit.
Melanie's gone for one second, you're already talking to another chick? Dude, did you see how hot that girl was? Whoa.
You're back to that guy? Wait a minute.
Which guy am I with you again? What guy is the real you? Okay, fine.
Whatever.
My name isn't Sanjay.
It's Neal.
You're not from India? No, I'm from San Diego, bro.
My parents work at Seaworld.
But I thought that Steve, you're not getting it, bro.
Let me be perfectly clear.
I'm a douchebag.
Oh, there she is! Oh, thank you so much for the drinks.
Steve, I think this is the part where you go back to the bar.
- Yeah, b - Steve, I have to thank you.
You've brought me so many wonderful things, but now it's time for you to go, so Shoo, shoo.
Maybe now's a good time to tell him.
Now? When they're dancing hip-to-hip? More like tip-to-tip.
Boy, you got some shoulders on you.
I do workout.
Mm, I love your scratchy beard.
Same here.
Uh, do you have a roll of quarters in your pocket? No.
Hank, I'm a man.
You knew that, right? Uh, can't say as I did.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, you know that girl I was just dancing with? The one I've been talking to all night? Well, she's really a guy, and you know what that means? Brace yourself.
I'm a gay.
Hank, I've known you for 30 years.
You're not gay.
I just danced with a guy.
I'm flaming! I'm gonna be a terrible gay.
I don't even like having someone behind me in line! Hank, calm down.
It doesn't matter if she's a man or a woman.
The most important thing is that you two connected and you had a great time.
So just hold on to that.
Nobody cares, and neither should you.
- Really? - Really.
But right now, you aren't a gentleman.
Nobody leaves a lady alone on the dance floor or anybody.
That's rude, and that's not the Hank I know.
You're right.
Uh, the penis messed me all up.
Uh, I'd like to apologize for my abrupt departure.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
How would I have known? It is ladies' night.
That's when boys like me get all dressed up.
I think there may be two kinds of ladies' night.
It's just that I'm basically, uh, what's the word uh, a strict vagina-tarian.
Now, I believe I owe you a dance.
Are you sure? Well, I'm old-school, and that's what you do.
So, let me get this straight.
The guy's a real douchebag pretending to be a guy pretending to be a fake douchebag.
That's new.
You got to respect that.
She was such a pain in the ass when I was right about ladies' night.
Can you imagine what she'll be like when I'm wrong about that guy? Can I imagine what it's like to ever be wrong? I'm married.
I can't imagine what it's like to ever be right.
Hey.
Good night, Steve.
Whoa, where you guys going? Oh, we're gonna go get a bite to eat.
My tummy is all num-num.
Hey.
Thanks for being cool, bro.
Melanie.
Melanie, stop.
He is not a nice Indian guy.
He is an old-fashioned American douchebag.
What are you talking about? His name's not even Sanjay.
It's Neal.
He's from San Diego.
What is he saying? I do not understand your customs.
Please drop the accent.
You're not even from India.
Steve, you kind of sound crazy right now.
Yeah, I-I'm from the slums of Mumbai.
We were very poor, but we danced and sang.
If you're from India, who's the prime minister? Manmohan Singh.
I actually don't know if that's true or not.
Look, I saw him hitting on another girl when you went to the bathroom.
All he wants to do is sleep with you tonight and move on to the next girl.
Sleep with him? We were just gonna get a slice of pizza.
Yes, pizza.
But then we'd go back to your place, right? Well, not tonight.
I mean, we just met.
Yeah, but second base would be on the table? I don't do anything like that before the third date.
Are you kidding me?! By the third date, I'm usually bringing your friends into it.
See? You are a douchebag! So, just to clarify, there's no person I can be, there's no accent I can do to get you to sleep with me? No.
And your accents are a joke.
'Ello, ladies! I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.
My Jaguar has broken down.
Could I Could I get a lift? You got to hand it to him.
He is good at accents.
Steve.
Melanie, I know what you're gonna say.
I was wrong about ladies' night, and you're right.
I, uh I lost sight of my regulars, who are my most important customers.
It was a stupid thing to do.
Yeah, it was.
But, hey, look.
We all make mistakes.
I fell for the guy's act.
I feel like an idiot.
I'm all dressed up with no place to go.
No place to go? This is your bar.
Pittsburgh's best-kept secret, according to Yelp.
Really? Well, I wrote that one.
But, uh, come on in here.
I'll get you a drink.
You can write one yourself.
Something along the lines of, "great place to unwind after work.
Cute bartender.
" I'll let you finish the rest.
Hank, this was really fun.
- I had a great time.
- Me too.
And, again, I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding.
Forget about it.
Well, if you ever change your mind Here's my card.
Oh, man! You're the manager at Lou's House of Waffles?! This is very bittersweet.
Wow, Hank.
Quite a night, huh? Well, Jack, these are the kind of experiences that make you grow as a person.
Which I'm usually against.
I can't believe it.
Ahmed's hooking up, and I'm going home alone on ladies' night.
Who's this? That's the one Hank was with all night.
Oh, she was smokin' hot.
- Hey, where you going? - Lou's House of Waffles.
Somebody's getting a really hot lady and waffles.
Those waffles come with sausage.
Even better.
Girls grow up looking at fashion magazines that sell this perfect image of the female body that doesn't really exist.
It messes with their heads.
That's so true! Real women have curves.
They're supposed to.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothing! Yeah, but, most of these guys want this supermodel fantasy.
That's sad.
You know, I've never met a man more enlightened than you are.
Hey, do you want to go out sometime? Yeah, you're a little heavy for me.