Survivor's Remorse (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

Every event we attend, we build favor equity with Flaherty.
His reach is far beyond basketball, we wanna tap into that reach.
God has done you, Cam, and me pretty good.
What we do with the rest is up to us.
- I'm sorry, are you gonna do something? - Oh, I'll do something.
I'm saying, don't sit here and talk about doing something.
- Step the fuck up - Oh, my God! Can I just say right out, I am not gonna press charges? This is not up to you, Mr.
Calloway, this is a criminal matter.
If the people will forego prosecution I insist on therapy and community service for Mary Charles even if they did start the conversation.
Hey, Uncle J, can you drop me off at work? I gotta do highway trash pick up for my community service.
Hmm, if the judge call you down, that ain't work.
That's mobile jail.
- You need a ride to jail? - Yes.
Mm! Mm! It is cheat-on-my-diet day.
Here we go.
Let the vittle violations begin, little brother.
Hot chocolate with caramel ready.
I fasted yesterday so I could fit in ten pieces of Ma's French toast.
You know, if you did a colonic, you could get three more.
Mm, but I still gotta go to practice, though.
- Look, Cam.
- I'd have done it.
This maple syrup right here, I dug deep, deep, deep down in the New Hampshire woods for this.
You might be the only Negro to ever put his lips on this, I'm telling you that right now.
Hey, I did some cheat day preparation as well.
Ain't a Negro I know who don't like circus peanuts.
You need to meet some new Negros.
- Chuck, you the best, baby.
- I know.
Circus peanuts? Man, it's Cam's cheat-on-his-diet day.
Not Wilt Chamberlain stick-his-dick-in-everybody day.
Okay, I love both gifts.
- I love you both, thank you.
- Mine more.
Well, let's get into the peanuts.
'Cause I'm sick of waiting on your mama to make breakfast.
Nah, fuck this.
Let's wake her up.
Nah, she was out late last night with that Blair guy from the Portland game.
- What does Blair do anyway? - No idea.
- Me neither.
- This is my cheat day.
Let's wake Mom up.
- Yes! - I think she might already be up.
My shoe! Fuck that shoe! Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Ooh! What the hell is that? That is the sound of Blair fucking our mother.
This motherfucker.
Hence the coinage of the term.
Last night was their first date.
And it sounds like it's going pretty good.
You know, who would've thought that when Mom was choosing her room we'd be standing here sipping hot cocoa listening to the sounds of her coming.
I'm gonna throw up.
You was asking what Blair do.
The answer is your mother.
Okay, you know what? Take me to mobile jail right now.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait, baby, wait.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.
I overslept.
Why don't you be a little late for practice? You know, you're the star.
Team lost five of six games that I missed after M Chuck gouged my eye.
Oh, baby, get out of the past, okay? We're in the happy present.
You know, you can be a little late for my French toast.
I'm on good behavior, Ma, all day, every day.
- Morning, Cam.
- Morning to you.
- Need me to move my car? - No, uh, I think I can get past it.
- Nice house.
Whoo! - Thanks.
Those wood floors in your mother's bedroom, - is that Pergo? - Would you be so kind - and brew us some coffee, please? - Can do.
If you handle the cream and the sugar.
- He's nice, right? - Oh, yeah, he's nice.
You know, you might want to tell him that people are tucking their shirts in again.
Well, we're gonna go to farmers' market later.
I'm a pull some sausages and some fresh peppers and some hoagie rolls.
I know you like it, right? And I'ma cook it all up for dinner, cool? I mean, we can eat before 8:00.
- Done.
- All right.
Uh, baby, I wanted to tell you, I went to see my doctor.
And I'm, um Well, it's not fun, but I'ma need a procedure.
- What? What kind of procedure? - It's just lady stuff.
You know, you don't even wanna know the details, and I don't wanna get into it, but I'm just a little worried about the doctor bills and the overages that our insurance won't pay for.
Yeah, Ma, whatever you need.
Of course, don't-don't sweat that.
You you all right, though, right? Yes, baby, I'm gonna be fine.
It's not a big deal.
Don't you worry about me, okay? - Okay.
- Look, Cam, you know I'm always good, right? Mommy's gonna get much better.
You don't worry about me.
I'm just really appreciative to have a son like you to help me.
All right, so go ahead, practice real hard.
- All right.
- And do what you do, baby.
I appreciate you.
You gonna put your head through that wall? I, uh just trying to restart my brain.
Been chasing around the wrong fool.
- This your spillage? - No.
If the average woman saw the average men's room, none of us would be allowed to wear shoes indoors again.
Yeah, I hear you.
How hard is it to deposit urine in a structure expressly designed to capture it? For fuck sake, I could pee an apple off your head without getting a drop on ya! I'm gonna say that I believe you, and that I don't need any proof.
Why can't people just stand still, lean forward, and wait till the piss is out of 'em? Honestly, I'd rather see piles of shit on the floor.
At least then I'd know it was intentional.
Hey, listen.
Thank you for letting me take that guy on a tour of the locker room.
Big waste of time, but, you know, you live and you learn.
Don't sweat Jeff from Burger King.
He's a rite of passage around here.
Says he can deliver the world, but really all he wants is free gum and socks.
His business card says "sports marketing.
" Every asshole who gives you a business card is the wrong asshole.
So how do I meet the right asshole? Get your name on their call sheet and then don't fuck it up.
You can meet my money manager.
His name is Ira Irwin.
Um okay.
But, Jimmy, you know, Cam and I, we already got a money manager.
Ira Irwin doesn't manage money.
- Why you call him a money manager? - Because he's offended by greedy Jew.
And rightly so.
I'll set it up.
No drips.
Thank you, Jimmy.
- What the hell are you doing? - Mom's got cancer.
- What? What kind? - I don't know what kind.
The kind that kills people.
Of course she would tell you first, you're her favorite.
She didn't tell me.
I mean, I think she has cancer.
- You think she has cancer? - She told me without telling me.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Mom knows I hate hospitals.
She's probably just trying to protect me even though she's scared that our insurance is not gonna cover it all.
Fucking Reggie.
I knew that he would get that low-ball shit insurance.
I swear, I think he wants us all to vanish.
I don't want Mom to die.
Look, if she didn't give you any details, - she's gotta have good cancer.
- There is no good cancer.
What the fuck you think non-Hodgkin's is? Non-Hodgkin's is bad.
People hit me up on Twitter every day for non-Hodgkin's.
- It's decimating people.
- Non-Hodgkin's means non-horrible.
- Basically broken arm non cancer.
- I I don't think that's right.
I think you're getting confused by the "non.
" No.
Non-Hodgkin's is the kind that gets you GoFundMe money and everybody's sympathy, but you're still alive at the end.
And rich! That's good cancer.
- Now drive off.
- No, Mom's gotta have a bad cancer.
We lived under that transformer for years.
You know, she probably doesn't wanna tell us the truth because she knows that we're gonna get cancer, too.
- We're all fucked! - Hey, hey, hey! We do a ton of cardio.
Nobody's getting cancer.
I don't even think Mom has cancer.
If she did, she wouldn't be so vague.
She'd be milking you for all you're worth, you know that.
Requesting, complaining, bitching, moaning.
Basically, if Mom had cancer, she'd be a cancer.
Well, just call her, will ya? She said it's some lady stuff.
She's not gonna tell anyone the truth but a lady.
Kinda love that you just called me a lady.
Hey.
So why do you think Jimmy Flaherty wants me and you to connect? He told me you were a money manager.
That fat potato-headed Irish drunk.
- You ever played Mermaid Island? - No, I have not.
Played it last Thanksgiving with my niece.
I've been fascinated ever since.
To win, you gotta get these three mermaids over to Mermaid Island before the Sea Witch arrives and builds condos.
I'll start.
Two.
One, two.
Jimmy knows I don't manage money.
- He's a fucking Mick.
- I think he was just joking.
That's the problem with the Irish.
Either they're always joking or they're always serious.
And if they're doing both at the same time, they never give you any clues that they're doing it.
So it's very hard to follow.
I don't manage money.
I try and find opportunities for my friends to enjoy their lives.
- By making 'em money.
- By making 'em happy knowing that their money is busting its ass growing and expanding and learning and sharing.
Money's a ridiculous concept.
I mean, I give you a green piece of paper, you're gonna give me a steak? That's a weird trade.
You're spin.
Money is a lubricant.
- Yes or no? - Yes.
You want a steak.
I want a house.
I can't trade my steak for a steak-size piece of your house.
So we use money as a lubricant to get what we want.
Which is to get off, right? Right.
I help people's money get off.
I am the mucus of capitalism.
Not the snot, the mucus.
Mucus is a facilitator for copulation.
I mean, you can do it without mucus, but mucus helps make it more fun.
Almond? Sea Witch, bummer.
- You're turn.
- Just real quick.
See, I represent Cam Calloway.
And he may be a pro basketball player, but we want him to be more than just a basketball player.
We want his money to get off.
- Want to get it up in that mucus stuff.
- Terrific.
Now, you spin a two, you can get the pink mermaid across Rainbow Bridge.
Now, there's no pressure.
I mean, it's just a little girl's game, but there's a one in three chance that you can do that.
And to me, hey, 33%, I think that's good odds.
See, most people think that capitalism is like chess.
It's a zero-sum game.
You win, I lose.
I don't.
True capitalism is a collective endeavor.
It's Mermaid Island.
You get off, and I get off.
- Why'd you pocket the almonds? - Your fingernails, they're dirty.
Hmm, you're correct.
My apologies, I've been messing around with soil.
Lately, the question I've been asking everybody who sits on that floor what kind of mermaid are you? You the kind of mermaid that's gonna help the other mermaids - get back to Mermaid Island? - Well I'm just learning the game, but, uh, yeah.
I think I got the makings of being a resourceful mermaid.
Remember the point of Mermaid Island nobody wins unless everybody wins.
Of course, the definition of "everybody" is a select group of people that guys like me pick.
And how do you decide who you pick? You ever read "Johnathon Livingston Seagull"? No.
Have some almonds.
Have a book.
Give 'em a taste.
Give it a read.
When are you and Reggie gonna start your new Vaughn generation? - I'm ready to be an auntie.
- Uh, one of these days hopefully.
That was a non-answer answer.
Come on, get to it.
I want a baby around here.
Yeah, I guess I just worry that I won't be very good at it.
Oh, child, you'll be fine.
You love telling people when they're wrong.
- M Chuck, how was highway detail? - Wonderful.
Made some great new friends, can't wait to do it again.
Listen, stay off the highways.
Apparently there's a lot of white girls drinking and driving.
Oh, you know what? I can't wait till you find a corpse.
Some parent out there will always remember that you solved the cold case and gave them closure.
That's the Lord's work, Mary Charles.
So Cam came to visit me.
Said you need money for lady stuff.
You're getting your titties done, aren't you? - I ain't getting no fake titties.
- Hey, I'm not judging.
I wanna help.
I've had more titties in my mouth than you.
Well, I ain't had no titties in my mouth, including my fucked-up mother's.
I don't need an upgrade, okay? - My titties are top-shelf.
- I agree.
- Thank you, Missy.
- You're getting ass implants.
I am not getting anything implanted, okay? Well, Cam thinks that you have cancer.
What?! I ain't got no cancer.
At least that I know about.
Okay, so what lady stuff needs work, Ma? Because Cam is worried.
I'm getting my pocketbook tweaked.
Get the fuck out.
- Cassie! - Excuse me, language, please.
Okay, bitch, we in public.
Ma, you just said "fuck, bitch, ass, titties, damn" 'Cause that's my language, okay? Those are nouns.
I wish my mother and I were this close.
- Ma, what is wrong with your pussy? - That's for me to know, - and for you not to find out.
- I'm just saying I could take a look.
I know pussy better than you know pussy.
I'll tell you if there's something wrong with it.
My doctor looked at it and up in it.
And those are two places that you are not invited.
- And you either.
- I wasn't - Your hair says otherwise.
- Look, fine.
Just call Cam and tell him that you do not have cancer.
He's freaked out.
He thinks that you're dying.
Ain't I, though? Aren't we all, Ming Lee? That's why you gotta live for now.
Live for today.
Live your life to the fullest like it's your last goddamn breath.
If you're gonna make something right, make the shit right.
That is a beautiful perspective.
Motherhood gives you that perspective.
After being in labor in a bad hospital, giving birth to kids fucking your pussy up.
Oh, my God, stop it, Ma.
I was a preemie.
Guaranteed my daddy's dick was bigger going in than I was coming out.
Your father's not the topic.
Not now, not ever.
Child birth messes your stuff up like permanently? Not anymore.
No, no, no.
You know, when life fucks up your coochie, medicine has a way of rebuilding it.
- I'ma have a bionic pussy.
- Oh, my God.
Cam's gonna pay for it anyway.
I mean, he's half the reason why my shit is fucked up.
- And you're the other half.
- You're right, Ma.
Yup, it's time for me to put in my insurance claim for my vaginal rejuvenation.
You break it, you buy it.
What the hell is "vaginal rejuvenation"? When you shrink-wrap the pussy.
- I'm gonna puke.
- Why'd you Google that? I wanna know what I'm paying for.
You paying for your mother to get a smaller, tighter unit.
Right now, she's got a multi-room unit.
She's at the age when women wanna downsize.
No, Ma really wants this.
Just let her do it.
- How does it work? - I have no idea.
This is supposed to be your area of expertise.
- I eat pussy, I don't fix it.
- I didn't know fixing was a thing.
Look, Ma said she found a really great doctor.
Yeah, I heard he was the Picasso of pussy.
- That's what I heard.
- Picasso is wack.
He painted noses and ear and dicks coming out of chins and shit.
Imagine if Ma ended up with a clit right in the middle of her forehead.
Instead of a cyclops, a clit-clops.
This is our mother's vagina that we're talking about.
Yeah, the new one.
The old one's about to be put down.
Rest in peace to Cassie's pussy.
Look, I'm sure Ma's got a good doctor, the best.
It don't matter.
Surgery is no joke, okay? It don't matter how rich you are Kanye's mom, Joan Rivers, they both died during surgery.
You know, Ma never wanted this before.
And then now after one night with Blair, she's going to this drastic place.
Who is this Blair dude anyways? A car dealer who don't like your mother's pussy.
I'm about to fuck him up for making Ma feel like her pussy's handicapped.
Okay, okay, nobody can persuade Ma to do anything she don't wanna do.
- She ain't doing this.
- Oh, my God.
- Man, get that thing out of my face.
- All right? First glance at side effects bad.
Second glance horrible.
We gotta expose this stuff to her.
Yeah, we the family expose nothing.
We keep this private.
If this operation could backfire, it is our job to tell Ma.
We need to have a family discussion.
A man's gotta step up and lead one.
I'm not about to tell my sister what to do with her pussy.
- That's not a hill I want down.
- Agreed.
No one should tell any woman what to do with her vadge.
Especially the woman whose vagina he came out of.
I'm not telling her what to do.
I'm just telling her what maybe she should not do.
What's the difference? I don't ask y'all for much, okay? But when I bring Ma in here and sit her down, I expect you both to have my back.
How did I get here? You look so sexy when you read books.
And "sexy" to you must be when I look confused and frustrated, because that is what I am right now.
I just took a shower, put on some of that lotion you like.
I don't like this book.
Do you have to? Uh, it was given to me to read by a rich guy, beyond rich.
There is a reason that he's rich.
Just trying to figure out if that book is the reason.
Let's do what we like to do.
Instead of talking about what you don't.
Baby, page 33, all I got is a seagull with no friends.
I don't even understand what seagulls gotta do with business.
So say so when you see him again.
To to admit that I don't understand, that'd be a weakness.
And then, he doesn't even listen to me when I talk.
Why do you care about this man's opinion? I wanna be one of his mermaids.
- You just smoke some weed? - No.
But maybe if I did, the book would make sense.
It was written in the '70s.
Writer must've been high.
Reggie Vaughn, you are so cute when you are trying to solve puzzles.
Stop trying to solve the puzzle.
Just be you.
You see, this book is some kind of test.
And you don't have to have the same answers as everyone else.
Just slow down.
Remember the first time you tried an oyster shooter? Yeah, gulped it down, gagged.
- Second time - Chewed slow, savored it.
- And - Best thing I ever ate.
Second best thing.
We're going full reciprocity tonight, right? You do your job, and let me do mine.
All right.
I'm not sitting here listening to this.
I'm your mother.
Who's about to have a serious operation.
- Side effects include scarring - Bleeding and numbness.
That right there.
- Nerve damage.
- Rectal damage.
That right there.
He wrote that.
- Look, this is vaginal prolapse.
- Mm.
We don't even know what vaginal prolapse is, but that's how serious this is, Ma, this is very serious.
That's when your vadge done ran too many laps.
Y'all need to dead this shit, and dead it right now.
Got the sausage and peppers on the grill.
- Anybody need a drink? - Jack and Coke for me.
- I'll have a Chardonnay, please.
- Do we have any grain alcohol? - I'll check.
Cam? - I'm good.
I'll be with you in a minute, Blair.
Thank you, baby.
Damn, I thought Gary Coleman was dead.
Ma, if Blair's making you feel bad about things that you shouldn't feel bad about, then Blair's not the guy for you.
Blair ain't said nothing, and I ain't tell him nothing.
This is about me, not him.
Is this about you finding things that we never paid attention to? Never even cared about when we were poor? You don't have to alter the way God made you to please Blair.
Did you hear what I just said, or do you need an eardrum rejuvenation? Please leave Blair out of this.
You know, why don't we make sure that Blair's left out of this.
- We're gonna go and - Yes, please.
do that.
Excuse me.
I didn't wanna be here.
I I just did it 'cause I didn't wanna lose my job.
- I don't want you to get hurt.
- I'm already hurt.
Ma, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to step up and be a man.
Nobody asked you to be a man.
I asked you to be a son.
A son who understands that when he was born, I was still a girl.
I've hardly even been with anybody else since you were born.
And you know what, motherfucker, that's a long time.
I appreciate, you know I'm not asking you for your appreciation.
I'm asking you for some understanding.
Instead of making me feel like some fucking beggar coming to you trying to explain my uncomfortable private fucking matters.
Look, I was a mother before I ever even thought about being an adult woman.
And now, I just wanna have fun like any other mother would have the right to have.
When you say "fun," are you Yes, I'm talking about sex, Cam.
Yes, I'm talking about sex.
Last night, when Blair and I Ma, please, I don't need no kind of details about that.
Are you shitting me? Your monkey ass gonna sit here and embarrass me in front of my brother and your sister with all this fucking intervention bullshit, and now you don't want me to open my mouth and say one motherfucking goddamn word? No, no, no.
Shit don't work that way.
You're gonna sit there and you gonna listen to every fucking word I have to say.
After you and your sister was born, things changed down there and they never changed back.
Now, I know how it's supposed to feel down there, but it doesn't feel the same.
It's not 100%.
I'm in the prime of my fucking life.
I've raised a son who I'm proud of, who's not living his life, running around doing his own thing.
And I wanna do my own thing, too.
Listen, Cam, I'm not trying to be out there like that, running around, okay? Just every once in a while, I wanna go out for a brisk jog.
- And by "brisk jog" - Yes, baby.
Mommy's talking about sex.
You see your hoodie right there? Right now, I'm like this.
After the operation, I'll be like this.
- Yeah, that's pretty tight.
- Yeah.
I got you, Ma, I'm I'm sorry.
Can we please never talk about this again? - You started it.
- Yes, I did.
Yeah, you did.
I need a fucking drink.
- Julius! - What? Is she all right? She had open-pussy surgery, not open-heart.
Hey, Ma.
Hey.
How you doing? I'm high in the head, but I'm really numb down south.
All right, let's let's ease up on the questions.
- I've had enough honesty for a while.
- Be sensitive.
- Fuck - Get well.
That's my brother.
Yeah, they didn't have any that said, "Happy new cooch day.
" I know I'm supposed to be feeling bad right now, but them drugs they gave me was some killer shit.
I don't feel a goddamn thing.
Oh baby - can you do me a big favor? - Sure, anything.
Could you, um, could you tell me how it looks down there? Oh! This family's getting too close.
Sure, Ma.
- Is it good? - It's good.
Actually, uh looks great.
Yay!