TallBoyz (2019) s02e03 Episode Script
Poetry in Falsetto
1
THOMPSON: Oh-ho-ho, I heard
this thing transports you
to a whole other dimension!
PETROS: Whoa, sick! I love dimensions!
- THOMPSON: Yeah!
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
AMEER: [BORED VOICE.]
Welcome to Virtual Reality Ranch.
Have you tried VR before? PETROS: First time for the both of us.
AMEER: Well, we've got a lot of games.
For first-timers, I suggest Store Chores.
Have you guys played Kitchen Dash? THOMPSON: Oh, yeah! That's that awesome game where you have to cook for people - and it's super stressful.
- PETROS: Oh, yeah! AMEER: Well, this one's kind of like that.
It's $42.
55 an hour.
- You in? - PETROS: We're in! - For that much money - BOTH: It's gotta be good! AMEER: First I'll get you to put on these high-tech sensor gloves.
BOTH: Whoa! THOMPSON: This is that Swedish rubber nanotech technology! AMEER: That's the exact one.
PETROS: It's like wearing two power gloves at once.
So bad! AMEER: Next, I'll get you guys to put on these ocular-altering headsets.
BOTH: Whoa! [BOTH GASP.]
Whoa! THOMPSON: Whoa! I'm inside.
Are you inside? PETROS: Yeah! I see walls and hands.
I love this! What do we do now? AMEER: Next is where the fun begins.
Stay where you are.
THOMPSON: Whoa! [WATER SLOSHING.]
AMEER: We have wireless buckets.
Grab this.
- PETROS: Whoa, look at these controllers! - AMEER: Your task? Make this virtual lobby pristine and clean.
And go.
THOMPSON: Whoa, it even feels like a real mop! PETROS: Whoa! Oh! So cool! THOMPSON: Yeah, I'm doing the swing technique so I don't miss any dirt! PETROS: I'm doing a figure 8 to protect my L4-L5 discs! THOMPSON: Whoa! I'm even breaking a sweat! This is super realistic! [COINS JINGLING.]
PETROS: And we get coins too! So many coins! Oh! Whoa! AMEER: 10 coins gets you soap, 50 coins gets you bleach, and for 100 coins you get to keep playing.
THOMPSON: Oh, come on, Petros! I want that bleach! PETROS: Who doesn't? CUSTOMER: Hey, yo, watch where you're mopping, asshole! PETROS: Whoa! I'm being virtually yelled at by a virtual customer! It's so realistic! THOMPSON: Man, that was fricking off the rails! He was so mean! And we unlocked Level 2! BOTH: Yeah! COMPUTER: Level 2.
THOMPSON: Wow! It's so realistic.
It even smells like shit.
PETROS: Maybe we can jump down these pipes! - [FLUSHING.]
- PETROS: Whoa! ♪ GENERAL: We're in the mud now, Mulvain.
MULVAIN: This is getting serious.
What strategies do you advise? - DIRECTOR: Well, I think we move into Wonesia overnight.
- GENERAL: Overnight?! They got the goddamn President of the United States! There is no time for overnight! - TERRORIST: Peekaboo! Look who I have! - GENERAL: Mr.
President! PRESIDENT: Don't negotiate with him! DIRECTOR: What do you want? TERRORIST: Freedom is an illusion.
You have 24 hours to get your troops out of the Wonesian embassy.
GENERAL: We're not pulling out of anything! PRESIDENT: Yeah, you tell him! GENERAL: We have the strength.
- We have the will.
- DIRECTOR: Mm-hm! GENERAL: We have the heart.
DIRECTOR: That's right.
GENERAL: We're the goddamn US of A.
DIRECTOR: Woo! GENERAL: And we're not backing down to you Chink fucks.
- DIRECTOR: Whoa! - MULVAIN: Whoa! - PRESIDENT: Whoa! - TERRORIST: Wow, wow.
- Okay, wow.
- PRESIDENT: Wow, oh my God! MULVAIN: Crossing the line! TERRORIST: Wow, I came here to make a terrorist demand, not to be subjected to this.
GENERAL: What'd I say? What'd I say? PRESIDENT: I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
DIRECTOR: That was just so over the line.
We were all on your side until that last part.
Now it makes me want to hear his side of the story.
GENERAL: He has a gun to head of the president! DIRECTOR: And ironically, you're the one who is dangerous.
PRESIDENT: I only work with that guy.
You know, we're not friends outside of the office.
GENERAL: Okay, I have a question.
When did we all get so sensitive? TERRORIST: That's gas that's gaslighting, right? - PRESIDENT: Yeah, 100%.
- YAN: That's gaslighting.
You're deflecting.
That's gaslighting.
- PRESIDENT: Textbook.
- TERRORIST: And you know what? I have a question for you.
Uh, where's your empathy? GENERAL: Oh.
Empathy PRESIDENT: I don't think I want to be saved by you guys if it's gonna be coming from such a hateful place, all right? PRESIDENT: You can just leave me.
MULVAIN: Toxic flag defender! GENERAL: Why is everyone freaking out? Are we not at war with these people? [ALL GROANING AND EXCLAIMING.]
PRESIDENT: What year is it? TERRORIST: All right, this has been dehumanizing enough.
Uh, you know, I always wondered why you guys didn't like us, and now I know why, so PRESIDENT: Yeah, you know what? Can we just call a T.
O.
? You know, everyone go and take a breather, and we'll get back to you in a couple of days.
GENERAL: Mr.
President TERRORIST: You need to cut him out.
PRESIDENT: Absolutely.
MULVAIN: Well, that was a shit show! GENERAL: I was just trying to help the president.
DIRECTOR: You know my wife's Asian, right? GENERAL: Well what kind? DIRECTOR: Ah, you just don't get it.
- - [MILITARY MUSIC.]
♪ DABOSS BABY: [RAPPING.]
Pushin' coke by the bricks ♪ Now I'm ridin' dope whips ♪ And I'm smilin' 'cause it's ♪ All because of that hustle.
♪ Workin' hard, gettin' paid ♪ Stackin' cheddar erryday ♪ Like a cheese factor-ay ♪ All because of that hustle.
♪ But even when I'm thrivin' ♪ I just can't keep drivin' ♪ 'Cause I ain't survivin' ♪ When I'm livin' to hustle.
♪ When I'm feelin' kinda maxed ♪ Energy's kinda sapped ♪ When I need to relax ♪ One or all of my muscles ♪ I hustle hard, but I self-care harder.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: I take a break from all that ardour.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: Don't overdo it 'cause I ain't no martyr.
♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ How am I supposed to hustle at my best ♪ HYPE MEN: How? DABOSS BABY: Standing on the corner ♪ And never gettin' rest? ♪ HYPE MEN: Ah DABOSS BABY: I don't want to wreck my health ♪ So I make sure to check myself ♪ Into a spa ♪ For my weekly massage.
♪ The therapist is lovely, and he's great with his paws.
♪ When he's done, I'm back to slangin' them rocks.
♪ Feeling mad limber as I run the block.
♪ From 5 to 11, that's me time.
♪ It's the hardest you'll ever see a man recline.
♪ I relax like a beast burning soothing aromas.
♪ Catch me wrapped in my sheets ♪ Like I'm in a coma.
♪ If coworkers call to enquire of me ♪ Too bad! ♪ I'm writing in my diary.
♪ I'll talk to you later.
♪ Right now I'm relaxing.
♪ My mouth is busy with midday snacking! ♪ The pressures of the hustle, you can't really avoid it.
♪ Even as a boss, you still feel exploited.
♪ When I feel wound tight, like a clam or a mussel ♪ I rest myself till I'm ready to hustle! ♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: I spend hours watchin' vids of an otter.
♪ I mean, they're frickin' adorable! They're like an amalgamation of all the cutest animals, and they sleep holding hands! Tuesday, Wednesday, I hustle.
♪ Thursday, I try to help my mom with a puzzle.
♪ Friday, I'm out slangin' yay with my bros.
♪ Saturday, a butterfly sits on my nose.
♪ Sunday, I'm off.
♪ A full day of rest.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: Then on Monday, back to getting them cheques! ♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ Woo! That took a lot out of me.
Oh, I think I need a trip to the butterfly conservatory.
I'm out.
[WINGS FLAPPING.]
♪ GULED: Oh, these are looking good.
[CHATTER IN BACKGROUND.]
GULED: Don't want to point any fingers, but looks like someone forgot to do a dirty dish.
- VANCE: Oh, it wasn't me.
- FRANCO: Is it a bowl? GULED: Yes.
FRANCO: Then it's not mine.
I don't use bowls.
GULED: You don't use bowls? FRANCO: No, they remind me of painful haircuts - from my childhood.
- [SCISSORS SOUND EFFECT.]
GULED: Okay.
Uh, Tim? TIM: Yo, Guled, what's good? GULED: Did you leave a dirty dish in the sink? TIM: Oh, no, uh, that's Vance's.
He was using it last.
VANCE: Technically, yeah, I did use it last, but that dish was dirty before I used it.
- TIM: Gross! - VANCE: It's not gross.
I cleaned it and then I used it, then I left it dirty for whoever made the original mess, thus absolving me of all dirty dish debt.
TIM: Wait, no, no, you're still dirty dish indebted to me.
Remember when I cleaned up after you made gazpacho? VANCE: You licked the dishes.
TIM: Well, Guled thought they were clean - because he ate off of them.
- GULED: Oh, God! Dirty dish debt is bullshit! Just clean your dishes! TIM: I do! With my tongue.
GULED: No, with soap and water! TIM: No.
What? That tastes bad.
I mean, it's on Vance.
VANCE: Oh, no, no, no.
I used it once, I cleaned it once.
It's not my responsibility.
GULED: Well, I'm not cleaning it.
FRANCO: I'm not cleaning it.
- Called it! - VANCE: Oh, me either! TIM: Well, I refuse to clean at all.
GULED: Like, seriously, how hard is it to put soap FRANCO: What are you talking about? You shouldn't be licking the bowl at all! - [ALL ARGUING.]
- GULED: Use some soap! - Hey! - [PLATE SMASHES.]
[SILENCE.]
GULED: If it's a filth-off you want, then it's a filth-off you got.
It's on! FRANCO: Then it's on.
[LOUD SMASH.]
VANCE: Opa! [CLATTERING.]
- FRANCO: Whoa-oa, hey, wait! - GULED: Tim, come on! VANCE: I got that from Value Village! GULED: We only have one! It's ornate! Tim TIM: It's opa.
- [LOUD SMASH.]
- GULED: [GROANS.]
♪ [LAUGHTER.]
FORD: It's true, guys, I'm telling you.
Honestly, watch out for that streetcar.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
GARTH: Yo! Ford, you ready to hit the club? I didn't know we were hanging out beforehand.
FORD: Oh, no, you're just in time.
GARTH: But you're having a pre-drink.
FORD: Yeah, we were.
GARTH: Seems weird you didn't invite me.
FORD: Oh, that's because this is a Tier One friend party.
GARTH: Tier One? FORD: Yes, I group my friends into different levels, ah, so this is Tier One only, the VIP.
FRIEND: Hey.
GARTH: Oh, that hurts to hear out loud.
FORD: Oh, come on, we all rank our friends! Uh, the first tier is the friend that helps you bury a body, and the tenth tier is probably the body.
GARTH: So I'm in the second tier? FORD: [LAUGHS.]
No, you're ninth.
GARTH: Ninth?! FRIEND: All right, let's do some shots, everyone! GARTH: Yes, I need a shot.
Let me drink off the sadness.
FRIEND: Oh, it's, um BYOG.
FORD: Bring your own glass.
GARTH: I know what the G stands for.
FORD: Look, it's nothing personal.
I see you, what, twice a year? I don't even know who you're dating.
GARTH: It's Tina, and we're married! FORD: You may have taken Tina to the altar, but now we have to alter our friendship.
GARTH: Sorry, are you breaking up with me? FORD: Well, now that you bring it up, or I brought it up Larry, can you come out here? - Larry's a Tier Niner, too.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Garth, Larry, I only keep a certain number of friends, and sadly you're both in the bottom two, which means you're up for elimination.
GARTH: Wait, what? When did you get spotlights? FORD: I got them for my Drag Race parties.
GARTH: You've been having Drag Race parties? FORD: Yes.
And you would have known if you were Tier One too.
Two friends stand before me, but only one can remain.
Larry, you run marathons for fun, but I'm afraid our friendship may have run its course.
Garth, they say friendships last a lifetime, but ours needs a lifeline.
Ready? GARTH: For what? The club? FORD: No, I sent you a song yesterday.
GARTH: I thought you just wanted me to listen to it.
FORD: Listen, memorize, create an intricate dance routine - I thought that was all implied! - GARTH: Wait, what? FORD: The time has come for you to lip sync for your life! [MUSIC STARTS.]
LARRY: I wanna be your best friend, ♪ - Take you to the movies ♪ - FORD: [GASPS.]
LARRY: Hang out on the weekend, ♪ - Buy you lots of smoothies.
♪ - [FRIENDS CHEERING.]
LARRY: I'm not your best friend ♪ - FORD: That's my face! - LARRY: But I wanna be.
♪ I will try my hardest ♪ - FORD: [GASPS.]
- LARRY: If you let me.
♪ Best friend.
♪ FORD: Yes, I love that! LARRY: Yeah, best friend.
♪ Best friend.
FORD: Come on, fight for my attention! Who wants it? Who wants it? FORD: Best friend.
♪ Yeah! ♪ - [SONG ENDS.]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
FORD: Bravo, bravo.
Garth, Larry, please step forward.
You both showed a lot of heart.
Unfortunately, I can only pick one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Larry? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Hurray, you stay.
- [FRIENDS CHEERING.]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
FORD: Garth, our friendship has to end-ship.
GARTH: I can't believe you're throwing away our friendship.
We've known each other since middle school! FORD: Even in middle school you weren't that cool.
We only hung out because you had an above-ground pool.
GARTH: I should have let you drown.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
FORD: Unnecessary.
Larry, good stuff! When did you get this made? LARRY: You didn't have to be so mean to him.
FORD: Ah, that's just the name of the game, Larry.
Now let's club it up! LARRY: No! Your friendship tiers have brought a friend to tears.
And I'm sick and tired of it after all these years! I'm sorry, but you're up for elimination! FORD: [GASPS.]
Oh, it's so bright! - [MUSIC STARTS.]
- FORD: What's the song? Give me a title at least.
Oh, I should have never introduced you guys to Drag Race! [FLIES BUZZING.]
♪ GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: Looking for something to eat out of? GULED: What the ? That's my shoe! VANCE: Well, you can eat out of it all you want once you do these dishes.
GULED: Well, at that point, I'd just use a bowl.
TIM: Hey, Vance.
Nice bowl.
VANCE: Where's my fish? TIM: He's safe.
- [MICROWAVES BEEPS.]
- FRANCO: Ah, the hour is up.
The optimal amount of time to cook a sausage.
Ah, hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Ah, ah! Where do I put it? GULED: On the counter! [ALL YELLING.]
FRANCO: Where are the plates? I need a plate! - TIM: They're all dirty! - FRANCO: Fine! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Good God! - Oh! - SEYMOUR: Oh, you found me.
- FRANCO: Huh? - [ALL GASPING.]
SEYMOUR: Hi, guys.
♪ [HEAVY METAL MUSIC.]
EMO VANCE: I realize ♪ I escaped from my life! ♪ [MUSIC STOPS.]
Yeah, that's my music.
And it's not goth, okay? It's emo, and I like emo.
I'm 30 years old and I haven't got a fucking clue.
That's the most emo song ever made, by the way.
It's got all the ingredients: a lengthy and vaguely poetic track title and that's the track title.
Drums banging out the rhythm of an argument, scream poetry, poetry in falsetto, and beginner's bass.
[SIMPLE BASS NOTE PLAYS.]
Plus, the band's name is a reference to a tragic historical event: Titanic Loves Iceberg.
That's dark.
That's emo.
My family says that I should stop being emo and go talk to a professional.
Yeah, or maybe I could fuck off, listen to contemporary adult radio, smile 'cause there's a baby present.
I'd be lying if I hadn't said that I've thought about moving on.
It's just that I feel like nobody understands me 'cause my brain is being misunderstood.
You wouldn't get it.
- So I guess - EMO BILLY: Dude.
When's the meeting? EMO VANCE: Oh, yeah, pretty soon.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that - it doesn't matter who you - EMO EDGAR: Yo.
Where's the meeting? EMO VANCE: Uh, it's downstairs.
EMO EDGAR: Oh, I see.
EMO VANCE: Okay, the thing about being emo is - it doesn't matter where you - CHARLIE: Am I in the right spot? EMO VANCE: Yeah, okay? Yeah, you are.
Geez! EMO VANCE: All right, let's get started.
ALL: I am not ashamed of who I am.
I am not ashamed of dressing like this.
Though my adolescence is behind me, I do not have to dress like it.
Though I will never get a large loan from a bank, I like my music.
We will never change.
We will never change We will never change! We are emo! ♪ Hi, I'm Antonio Ferrari from Ferrari's Pizzeria.
If you want the best pizza in this city, come on down to 443 Valley Bottom Road, or call our number ALL: Call 631-555-0179, ♪ extension 9-318, ♪ and tell the receptionist that you want to speak to Antonio! ♪ That's me.
ALL: Make sure you add the extension.
♪ Otherwise you won't get our pizza.
♪ ANTONIO: I'll repeat it again for you.
631-555-0189.
♪ VINNIE: Actually, boss, it's 179.
♪ ANTONIO: Pretty sure it's 189.
♪ DONNY: Earlier we said 179.
♪ ANTONIO: All right, let's stick with 179.
♪ But I'll confirm that after the shoot.
♪ ♪ VINNIE: So if you're wondering how we got this number ♪ ANTONIO: We used to be a family business.
♪ But now I'm estranged from my brother.
♪ DONNY: They don't talk anymore.
♪ So we divided up the number and the building.
♪ VINNIE: We get the front, he gets the back.
♪ Over there, they sell Sea-Doos.
♪ ANTONIO: Hey, don't advertise for that scumbag.
♪ It's just a tender subject! ♪ ♪ ALL: So, call 631-555-0179, ♪ extension 9-318, ♪ and tell the receptionist that you want to speak to Antonio.
♪ ♪ DONNY: Whose pizza will this be? VINNIE: Yours, if you want it to be.
GARY: 0179, extension 9-318! ♪ Then tell the receptionist you want to speak to Antonio! ♪ COWORKER: [CHUCKLES.]
GARY: God, I can't get that jingle out of my head.
I'm ordering Ferrari's Pizzeria! ♪ ♪ TIM: So who the hell are you? SEYMOUR: I'm Seymour.
I've been living in your broom closet for five years.
GULED: Oh, that's some European folktale shit.
VANCE: Guys, there is a rent crisis going on.
He should be chipping in! SEYMOUR: I'd say I earned my share.
For years, I've been cleaning up after you four truly disgusting boys.
FRANCO: Wait, whose bowl was it that started this whole mess? - SEYMOUR: That was Guled's.
- GULED: [GASPS.]
Dude, snitch! FRANCO: I knew it! GULED: At least I'm not the dirtiest one here.
Right, Seymour? SEYMOUR: Well, I've never seen one of you pick up anything.
Ever! That's why I started cleaning up after you boys.
I mean, I can't stand living in a dirty place.
VANCE: You live in a broom closet.
SEYMOUR: Oh, you don't think I clean up in there? I vacuum.
[MUFFLED VACUUM NOISE.]
FRANCO: What is that sound? GULED: I've never heard anything like that in my entire life.
SEYMOUR: Well I guess you want me to be on my way, then.
Although there's worse things than having a man who lives in your closet who cleans up everything.
Maybe you boys might want me to stay? Here I am in your hands ♪ ♪ VANCE: No, please leave.
We find this truly creepy.
- ALL: Mm-hm.
- FRANCO: Yeah.
SEYMOUR: I'll leave the key under the mat.
Good day.
FRANCO: You had a key this whole time?! TIM: Well, guys, I guess it's time we finally grow up and clean up after ourselves.
- FRANCO: Yeah - [VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
TIM: Oh, man, I finally feel responsible.
VANCE: Wow, I feel like an adult.
- TIM: And we get coins! - GULED: Oh, man.
TIM: Oh, bonus level black mold! - ALL: Oh no! - [LAUGHTER.]
♪
AMEER: [BORED VOICE.]
Welcome to Virtual Reality Ranch.
Have you tried VR before? PETROS: First time for the both of us.
AMEER: Well, we've got a lot of games.
For first-timers, I suggest Store Chores.
Have you guys played Kitchen Dash? THOMPSON: Oh, yeah! That's that awesome game where you have to cook for people - and it's super stressful.
- PETROS: Oh, yeah! AMEER: Well, this one's kind of like that.
It's $42.
55 an hour.
- You in? - PETROS: We're in! - For that much money - BOTH: It's gotta be good! AMEER: First I'll get you to put on these high-tech sensor gloves.
BOTH: Whoa! THOMPSON: This is that Swedish rubber nanotech technology! AMEER: That's the exact one.
PETROS: It's like wearing two power gloves at once.
So bad! AMEER: Next, I'll get you guys to put on these ocular-altering headsets.
BOTH: Whoa! [BOTH GASP.]
Whoa! THOMPSON: Whoa! I'm inside.
Are you inside? PETROS: Yeah! I see walls and hands.
I love this! What do we do now? AMEER: Next is where the fun begins.
Stay where you are.
THOMPSON: Whoa! [WATER SLOSHING.]
AMEER: We have wireless buckets.
Grab this.
- PETROS: Whoa, look at these controllers! - AMEER: Your task? Make this virtual lobby pristine and clean.
And go.
THOMPSON: Whoa, it even feels like a real mop! PETROS: Whoa! Oh! So cool! THOMPSON: Yeah, I'm doing the swing technique so I don't miss any dirt! PETROS: I'm doing a figure 8 to protect my L4-L5 discs! THOMPSON: Whoa! I'm even breaking a sweat! This is super realistic! [COINS JINGLING.]
PETROS: And we get coins too! So many coins! Oh! Whoa! AMEER: 10 coins gets you soap, 50 coins gets you bleach, and for 100 coins you get to keep playing.
THOMPSON: Oh, come on, Petros! I want that bleach! PETROS: Who doesn't? CUSTOMER: Hey, yo, watch where you're mopping, asshole! PETROS: Whoa! I'm being virtually yelled at by a virtual customer! It's so realistic! THOMPSON: Man, that was fricking off the rails! He was so mean! And we unlocked Level 2! BOTH: Yeah! COMPUTER: Level 2.
THOMPSON: Wow! It's so realistic.
It even smells like shit.
PETROS: Maybe we can jump down these pipes! - [FLUSHING.]
- PETROS: Whoa! ♪ GENERAL: We're in the mud now, Mulvain.
MULVAIN: This is getting serious.
What strategies do you advise? - DIRECTOR: Well, I think we move into Wonesia overnight.
- GENERAL: Overnight?! They got the goddamn President of the United States! There is no time for overnight! - TERRORIST: Peekaboo! Look who I have! - GENERAL: Mr.
President! PRESIDENT: Don't negotiate with him! DIRECTOR: What do you want? TERRORIST: Freedom is an illusion.
You have 24 hours to get your troops out of the Wonesian embassy.
GENERAL: We're not pulling out of anything! PRESIDENT: Yeah, you tell him! GENERAL: We have the strength.
- We have the will.
- DIRECTOR: Mm-hm! GENERAL: We have the heart.
DIRECTOR: That's right.
GENERAL: We're the goddamn US of A.
DIRECTOR: Woo! GENERAL: And we're not backing down to you Chink fucks.
- DIRECTOR: Whoa! - MULVAIN: Whoa! - PRESIDENT: Whoa! - TERRORIST: Wow, wow.
- Okay, wow.
- PRESIDENT: Wow, oh my God! MULVAIN: Crossing the line! TERRORIST: Wow, I came here to make a terrorist demand, not to be subjected to this.
GENERAL: What'd I say? What'd I say? PRESIDENT: I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
DIRECTOR: That was just so over the line.
We were all on your side until that last part.
Now it makes me want to hear his side of the story.
GENERAL: He has a gun to head of the president! DIRECTOR: And ironically, you're the one who is dangerous.
PRESIDENT: I only work with that guy.
You know, we're not friends outside of the office.
GENERAL: Okay, I have a question.
When did we all get so sensitive? TERRORIST: That's gas that's gaslighting, right? - PRESIDENT: Yeah, 100%.
- YAN: That's gaslighting.
You're deflecting.
That's gaslighting.
- PRESIDENT: Textbook.
- TERRORIST: And you know what? I have a question for you.
Uh, where's your empathy? GENERAL: Oh.
Empathy PRESIDENT: I don't think I want to be saved by you guys if it's gonna be coming from such a hateful place, all right? PRESIDENT: You can just leave me.
MULVAIN: Toxic flag defender! GENERAL: Why is everyone freaking out? Are we not at war with these people? [ALL GROANING AND EXCLAIMING.]
PRESIDENT: What year is it? TERRORIST: All right, this has been dehumanizing enough.
Uh, you know, I always wondered why you guys didn't like us, and now I know why, so PRESIDENT: Yeah, you know what? Can we just call a T.
O.
? You know, everyone go and take a breather, and we'll get back to you in a couple of days.
GENERAL: Mr.
President TERRORIST: You need to cut him out.
PRESIDENT: Absolutely.
MULVAIN: Well, that was a shit show! GENERAL: I was just trying to help the president.
DIRECTOR: You know my wife's Asian, right? GENERAL: Well what kind? DIRECTOR: Ah, you just don't get it.
- - [MILITARY MUSIC.]
♪ DABOSS BABY: [RAPPING.]
Pushin' coke by the bricks ♪ Now I'm ridin' dope whips ♪ And I'm smilin' 'cause it's ♪ All because of that hustle.
♪ Workin' hard, gettin' paid ♪ Stackin' cheddar erryday ♪ Like a cheese factor-ay ♪ All because of that hustle.
♪ But even when I'm thrivin' ♪ I just can't keep drivin' ♪ 'Cause I ain't survivin' ♪ When I'm livin' to hustle.
♪ When I'm feelin' kinda maxed ♪ Energy's kinda sapped ♪ When I need to relax ♪ One or all of my muscles ♪ I hustle hard, but I self-care harder.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: I take a break from all that ardour.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: Don't overdo it 'cause I ain't no martyr.
♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ How am I supposed to hustle at my best ♪ HYPE MEN: How? DABOSS BABY: Standing on the corner ♪ And never gettin' rest? ♪ HYPE MEN: Ah DABOSS BABY: I don't want to wreck my health ♪ So I make sure to check myself ♪ Into a spa ♪ For my weekly massage.
♪ The therapist is lovely, and he's great with his paws.
♪ When he's done, I'm back to slangin' them rocks.
♪ Feeling mad limber as I run the block.
♪ From 5 to 11, that's me time.
♪ It's the hardest you'll ever see a man recline.
♪ I relax like a beast burning soothing aromas.
♪ Catch me wrapped in my sheets ♪ Like I'm in a coma.
♪ If coworkers call to enquire of me ♪ Too bad! ♪ I'm writing in my diary.
♪ I'll talk to you later.
♪ Right now I'm relaxing.
♪ My mouth is busy with midday snacking! ♪ The pressures of the hustle, you can't really avoid it.
♪ Even as a boss, you still feel exploited.
♪ When I feel wound tight, like a clam or a mussel ♪ I rest myself till I'm ready to hustle! ♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: I spend hours watchin' vids of an otter.
♪ I mean, they're frickin' adorable! They're like an amalgamation of all the cutest animals, and they sleep holding hands! Tuesday, Wednesday, I hustle.
♪ Thursday, I try to help my mom with a puzzle.
♪ Friday, I'm out slangin' yay with my bros.
♪ Saturday, a butterfly sits on my nose.
♪ Sunday, I'm off.
♪ A full day of rest.
♪ HYPE MEN: Self care! DABOSS BABY: Then on Monday, back to getting them cheques! ♪ I hustle hard but I self-care harder.
♪ Woo! That took a lot out of me.
Oh, I think I need a trip to the butterfly conservatory.
I'm out.
[WINGS FLAPPING.]
♪ GULED: Oh, these are looking good.
[CHATTER IN BACKGROUND.]
GULED: Don't want to point any fingers, but looks like someone forgot to do a dirty dish.
- VANCE: Oh, it wasn't me.
- FRANCO: Is it a bowl? GULED: Yes.
FRANCO: Then it's not mine.
I don't use bowls.
GULED: You don't use bowls? FRANCO: No, they remind me of painful haircuts - from my childhood.
- [SCISSORS SOUND EFFECT.]
GULED: Okay.
Uh, Tim? TIM: Yo, Guled, what's good? GULED: Did you leave a dirty dish in the sink? TIM: Oh, no, uh, that's Vance's.
He was using it last.
VANCE: Technically, yeah, I did use it last, but that dish was dirty before I used it.
- TIM: Gross! - VANCE: It's not gross.
I cleaned it and then I used it, then I left it dirty for whoever made the original mess, thus absolving me of all dirty dish debt.
TIM: Wait, no, no, you're still dirty dish indebted to me.
Remember when I cleaned up after you made gazpacho? VANCE: You licked the dishes.
TIM: Well, Guled thought they were clean - because he ate off of them.
- GULED: Oh, God! Dirty dish debt is bullshit! Just clean your dishes! TIM: I do! With my tongue.
GULED: No, with soap and water! TIM: No.
What? That tastes bad.
I mean, it's on Vance.
VANCE: Oh, no, no, no.
I used it once, I cleaned it once.
It's not my responsibility.
GULED: Well, I'm not cleaning it.
FRANCO: I'm not cleaning it.
- Called it! - VANCE: Oh, me either! TIM: Well, I refuse to clean at all.
GULED: Like, seriously, how hard is it to put soap FRANCO: What are you talking about? You shouldn't be licking the bowl at all! - [ALL ARGUING.]
- GULED: Use some soap! - Hey! - [PLATE SMASHES.]
[SILENCE.]
GULED: If it's a filth-off you want, then it's a filth-off you got.
It's on! FRANCO: Then it's on.
[LOUD SMASH.]
VANCE: Opa! [CLATTERING.]
- FRANCO: Whoa-oa, hey, wait! - GULED: Tim, come on! VANCE: I got that from Value Village! GULED: We only have one! It's ornate! Tim TIM: It's opa.
- [LOUD SMASH.]
- GULED: [GROANS.]
♪ [LAUGHTER.]
FORD: It's true, guys, I'm telling you.
Honestly, watch out for that streetcar.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
GARTH: Yo! Ford, you ready to hit the club? I didn't know we were hanging out beforehand.
FORD: Oh, no, you're just in time.
GARTH: But you're having a pre-drink.
FORD: Yeah, we were.
GARTH: Seems weird you didn't invite me.
FORD: Oh, that's because this is a Tier One friend party.
GARTH: Tier One? FORD: Yes, I group my friends into different levels, ah, so this is Tier One only, the VIP.
FRIEND: Hey.
GARTH: Oh, that hurts to hear out loud.
FORD: Oh, come on, we all rank our friends! Uh, the first tier is the friend that helps you bury a body, and the tenth tier is probably the body.
GARTH: So I'm in the second tier? FORD: [LAUGHS.]
No, you're ninth.
GARTH: Ninth?! FRIEND: All right, let's do some shots, everyone! GARTH: Yes, I need a shot.
Let me drink off the sadness.
FRIEND: Oh, it's, um BYOG.
FORD: Bring your own glass.
GARTH: I know what the G stands for.
FORD: Look, it's nothing personal.
I see you, what, twice a year? I don't even know who you're dating.
GARTH: It's Tina, and we're married! FORD: You may have taken Tina to the altar, but now we have to alter our friendship.
GARTH: Sorry, are you breaking up with me? FORD: Well, now that you bring it up, or I brought it up Larry, can you come out here? - Larry's a Tier Niner, too.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Garth, Larry, I only keep a certain number of friends, and sadly you're both in the bottom two, which means you're up for elimination.
GARTH: Wait, what? When did you get spotlights? FORD: I got them for my Drag Race parties.
GARTH: You've been having Drag Race parties? FORD: Yes.
And you would have known if you were Tier One too.
Two friends stand before me, but only one can remain.
Larry, you run marathons for fun, but I'm afraid our friendship may have run its course.
Garth, they say friendships last a lifetime, but ours needs a lifeline.
Ready? GARTH: For what? The club? FORD: No, I sent you a song yesterday.
GARTH: I thought you just wanted me to listen to it.
FORD: Listen, memorize, create an intricate dance routine - I thought that was all implied! - GARTH: Wait, what? FORD: The time has come for you to lip sync for your life! [MUSIC STARTS.]
LARRY: I wanna be your best friend, ♪ - Take you to the movies ♪ - FORD: [GASPS.]
LARRY: Hang out on the weekend, ♪ - Buy you lots of smoothies.
♪ - [FRIENDS CHEERING.]
LARRY: I'm not your best friend ♪ - FORD: That's my face! - LARRY: But I wanna be.
♪ I will try my hardest ♪ - FORD: [GASPS.]
- LARRY: If you let me.
♪ Best friend.
♪ FORD: Yes, I love that! LARRY: Yeah, best friend.
♪ Best friend.
FORD: Come on, fight for my attention! Who wants it? Who wants it? FORD: Best friend.
♪ Yeah! ♪ - [SONG ENDS.]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
FORD: Bravo, bravo.
Garth, Larry, please step forward.
You both showed a lot of heart.
Unfortunately, I can only pick one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Larry? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Hurray, you stay.
- [FRIENDS CHEERING.]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
FORD: Garth, our friendship has to end-ship.
GARTH: I can't believe you're throwing away our friendship.
We've known each other since middle school! FORD: Even in middle school you weren't that cool.
We only hung out because you had an above-ground pool.
GARTH: I should have let you drown.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
FORD: Unnecessary.
Larry, good stuff! When did you get this made? LARRY: You didn't have to be so mean to him.
FORD: Ah, that's just the name of the game, Larry.
Now let's club it up! LARRY: No! Your friendship tiers have brought a friend to tears.
And I'm sick and tired of it after all these years! I'm sorry, but you're up for elimination! FORD: [GASPS.]
Oh, it's so bright! - [MUSIC STARTS.]
- FORD: What's the song? Give me a title at least.
Oh, I should have never introduced you guys to Drag Race! [FLIES BUZZING.]
♪ GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: Looking for something to eat out of? GULED: What the ? That's my shoe! VANCE: Well, you can eat out of it all you want once you do these dishes.
GULED: Well, at that point, I'd just use a bowl.
TIM: Hey, Vance.
Nice bowl.
VANCE: Where's my fish? TIM: He's safe.
- [MICROWAVES BEEPS.]
- FRANCO: Ah, the hour is up.
The optimal amount of time to cook a sausage.
Ah, hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Ah, ah! Where do I put it? GULED: On the counter! [ALL YELLING.]
FRANCO: Where are the plates? I need a plate! - TIM: They're all dirty! - FRANCO: Fine! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Good God! - Oh! - SEYMOUR: Oh, you found me.
- FRANCO: Huh? - [ALL GASPING.]
SEYMOUR: Hi, guys.
♪ [HEAVY METAL MUSIC.]
EMO VANCE: I realize ♪ I escaped from my life! ♪ [MUSIC STOPS.]
Yeah, that's my music.
And it's not goth, okay? It's emo, and I like emo.
I'm 30 years old and I haven't got a fucking clue.
That's the most emo song ever made, by the way.
It's got all the ingredients: a lengthy and vaguely poetic track title and that's the track title.
Drums banging out the rhythm of an argument, scream poetry, poetry in falsetto, and beginner's bass.
[SIMPLE BASS NOTE PLAYS.]
Plus, the band's name is a reference to a tragic historical event: Titanic Loves Iceberg.
That's dark.
That's emo.
My family says that I should stop being emo and go talk to a professional.
Yeah, or maybe I could fuck off, listen to contemporary adult radio, smile 'cause there's a baby present.
I'd be lying if I hadn't said that I've thought about moving on.
It's just that I feel like nobody understands me 'cause my brain is being misunderstood.
You wouldn't get it.
- So I guess - EMO BILLY: Dude.
When's the meeting? EMO VANCE: Oh, yeah, pretty soon.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that - it doesn't matter who you - EMO EDGAR: Yo.
Where's the meeting? EMO VANCE: Uh, it's downstairs.
EMO EDGAR: Oh, I see.
EMO VANCE: Okay, the thing about being emo is - it doesn't matter where you - CHARLIE: Am I in the right spot? EMO VANCE: Yeah, okay? Yeah, you are.
Geez! EMO VANCE: All right, let's get started.
ALL: I am not ashamed of who I am.
I am not ashamed of dressing like this.
Though my adolescence is behind me, I do not have to dress like it.
Though I will never get a large loan from a bank, I like my music.
We will never change.
We will never change We will never change! We are emo! ♪ Hi, I'm Antonio Ferrari from Ferrari's Pizzeria.
If you want the best pizza in this city, come on down to 443 Valley Bottom Road, or call our number ALL: Call 631-555-0179, ♪ extension 9-318, ♪ and tell the receptionist that you want to speak to Antonio! ♪ That's me.
ALL: Make sure you add the extension.
♪ Otherwise you won't get our pizza.
♪ ANTONIO: I'll repeat it again for you.
631-555-0189.
♪ VINNIE: Actually, boss, it's 179.
♪ ANTONIO: Pretty sure it's 189.
♪ DONNY: Earlier we said 179.
♪ ANTONIO: All right, let's stick with 179.
♪ But I'll confirm that after the shoot.
♪ ♪ VINNIE: So if you're wondering how we got this number ♪ ANTONIO: We used to be a family business.
♪ But now I'm estranged from my brother.
♪ DONNY: They don't talk anymore.
♪ So we divided up the number and the building.
♪ VINNIE: We get the front, he gets the back.
♪ Over there, they sell Sea-Doos.
♪ ANTONIO: Hey, don't advertise for that scumbag.
♪ It's just a tender subject! ♪ ♪ ALL: So, call 631-555-0179, ♪ extension 9-318, ♪ and tell the receptionist that you want to speak to Antonio.
♪ ♪ DONNY: Whose pizza will this be? VINNIE: Yours, if you want it to be.
GARY: 0179, extension 9-318! ♪ Then tell the receptionist you want to speak to Antonio! ♪ COWORKER: [CHUCKLES.]
GARY: God, I can't get that jingle out of my head.
I'm ordering Ferrari's Pizzeria! ♪ ♪ TIM: So who the hell are you? SEYMOUR: I'm Seymour.
I've been living in your broom closet for five years.
GULED: Oh, that's some European folktale shit.
VANCE: Guys, there is a rent crisis going on.
He should be chipping in! SEYMOUR: I'd say I earned my share.
For years, I've been cleaning up after you four truly disgusting boys.
FRANCO: Wait, whose bowl was it that started this whole mess? - SEYMOUR: That was Guled's.
- GULED: [GASPS.]
Dude, snitch! FRANCO: I knew it! GULED: At least I'm not the dirtiest one here.
Right, Seymour? SEYMOUR: Well, I've never seen one of you pick up anything.
Ever! That's why I started cleaning up after you boys.
I mean, I can't stand living in a dirty place.
VANCE: You live in a broom closet.
SEYMOUR: Oh, you don't think I clean up in there? I vacuum.
[MUFFLED VACUUM NOISE.]
FRANCO: What is that sound? GULED: I've never heard anything like that in my entire life.
SEYMOUR: Well I guess you want me to be on my way, then.
Although there's worse things than having a man who lives in your closet who cleans up everything.
Maybe you boys might want me to stay? Here I am in your hands ♪ ♪ VANCE: No, please leave.
We find this truly creepy.
- ALL: Mm-hm.
- FRANCO: Yeah.
SEYMOUR: I'll leave the key under the mat.
Good day.
FRANCO: You had a key this whole time?! TIM: Well, guys, I guess it's time we finally grow up and clean up after ourselves.
- FRANCO: Yeah - [VIDEO GAME MUSIC.]
TIM: Oh, man, I finally feel responsible.
VANCE: Wow, I feel like an adult.
- TIM: And we get coins! - GULED: Oh, man.
TIM: Oh, bonus level black mold! - ALL: Oh no! - [LAUGHTER.]
♪