The Addams Family (1964) s02e03 Episode Script

Missed.
That's breathtaking.
- My painting? - The thunder.
Your painting is absolutely indescribable.
It is inspiring, working between the flashes of lightning.
- It does something for one's eyes.
- It gives your work character.
Evocative of the great artists of the past.
Really darling? Like whom? Well, Toulouse-Lautrec.
- No, this is a much smaller canvas.
- Whistler's Mother? Darling, she never painted.
That's right, she was too busy whistling.
Pugsley, Wednesday, why aren't you in bed? I thought we put you to bed hours ago.
We couldn't sleep.
It's so nice and gloomy.
This is the best storm since lightning put the short circuit in Uncle Fester.
Remember all those red, white and blue flashes coming from his head? - It was a beautiful sight, wasn't it? - It was indeed lovely.
But this is no time for sentimental reminiscences.
Come along children, I'm going to read you a nice bedtime story.
But we don't want a bedtime story.
But darling, I was going to read one of your favorites, dear Mr.
Poe's Murder in the Rue Morgue.
Poe does have a way with whimsy.
We'd rather hear the rest of the story about how you and Father got married.
Now, let's not go into that old chestnut.
Gomez, darling, what a terrible way to talk about our beautiful romance! Darling, I'm not talking about our beautiful romance, it's what led up to it.
Nonsense.
It's a true-to-life adventure and the children should know all about it.
- All right.
- Now come along.
Let's sit right down here, and get comfortable.
Now, where were we? You just talked French, and Father just kissed you.
No, they were going to shoot each other because Father had promised to marry Aunt Ophelia.
Now then, plans for the wedding were in full swing.
Your Aunt Ophelia was still trying to amuse your father.
I was just sitting there, cutting out paper dolls.
Faster, Lurch, faster.
- I told you, she's all talent.
- And beauty.
Isn't it wonderful, son? Well, that's all settled.
We can have the wedding right here in the living room.
Well, it's not exactly the main ballroom of the Ritz but I guess it'll do.
My Gomez and your Ophelia do make a lovely couple, don't they? Would you mind singing some other song, please? - Kiss Me Again? - I can't, - my lips are chapped from all that vapor.
- Oh, poor, poor laddie.
A sudden change in altitude is good for the sniffles.
I do hope your vaporizer won't interfere with our honeymoon? By george, it will.
Shall we call it off? No.
Mater? - Fair, shy Gomez doth seem reluctant.
- Reluctant? He's always at your feet.
Methinks he's trying to weasel out of it.
Poor dear.
He must really be sick.
- Well, the dowry isn't settled yet.
- Well, settle it, settle it.
Details bore me.
What are you two whispering about? Ophelia refuses to go through with the ceremony, unless Gomez puts his Brazil nut plantation in her name.
Well, we already gave you half his elephant herd.
Including the tusk rights.
I think it's a very generous offer.
- That's clever.
- It's yours.
How do you do that? I don't know, it just always comes out that way.
Morticia, this is your sister Ophelia's wedding, not yours.
Yes, Mama.
Now how about coming up with a decent dowry? - Not a nickel over 5,000.
- Oh, come, come now, you can do better than that.
That's an insult.
Insult me some more.
If we push the ceremony up to 2:00.
What do you say, son? He accepts.
Oh, fair Gomez, from now on your vapor is my vapor.
Come child.
You need a wedding dress.
I know a seamstress that is fast, cheap and fairly accurate.
You'll have to excuse me, I have a wedding cake to bake.
We're alone.
Together.
- Morticia.
- Gomez.
- Morticia.
- Gomez.
- May I call you Tish? - Of course.
I've waited for this moment, Tish.
So have I.
Congratulations.
- They shouldn't leave us alone like this.
- It's torture, madness, and very bad judgment on their part.
How can I marry Ophelia when I love you? - What does Emily Post say? - Not a word.
- It's not that your sister isn't a nice girl - Sweet.
- Muscular.
- An angel.
A doll.
It's just that I can't stand her.
- Why don't you tell her so? - Because I'm a weak, sniveling coward.
Besides, I gave her my word.
But what does the word of a weak, sniveling coward mean? Means I'm going to be married at 2:00.
Uncle Fester.
Oh, how wonderful to see you again.
Morticia, I wouldn't have missed your wedding for anything.
Well, it's not me who's getting married, Uncle Fester.
It's Ophelia.
Ophelia? What kind of a nut did she finally snag? That one.
Gomez, I'd like for you to meet my Uncle Fester.
- So you're the lucky bridegroom, eh? - Bridegroom, yes.
Lucky, no.
Uncle Fester, Gomez and I are madly in love.
Then why don't you two get hitched? Ophelia's my sister.
I couldn't betray her.
Besides, it would break her heart.
It's bad for the digestion.
All we have to do is find her another man.
Who's the little guy talking to the servant? That's my Cousin Itt.
He's the family intellectual.
The longhair of the family.
He looks it.
Is he married? Free as a tumbleweed.
He looks that, too.
He'd be a perfect groom for Ophelia.
He'd never see what he's getting into.
Oh, fair Gomez, I'm back.
You two run along and leave the matchmaking to me.
Uncle Fester shot the arrow that brought my mother and father together.
The arrow and the gun.
Leave it to me.
Uncle Fester, how sweet of you to come to my wedding.
Biggest mistake since Uncle Tic married Aunt Phobia.
But they were a perfect match.
He had two left feet, and she had two right ones.
It was a mere physical attraction.
I love Gomez's soul.
For 50,000 fish, you're entitled to a lot more than that.
Now, there's more your type.
That's Gomez's Cousin Itt.
I'll introduce you.
Cousin Itt, this is Ophelia.
Charmed.
I love a mystery.
Yes, she is direct.
Now, if you two kids are smart, you'll get married before 2:00.
Exactly 11:31.
- Flatterer.
- He means it, too.
It isn't every girl he calls a geekle-gackle-gookle.
Would you like to pick some daisies? They have very deep roots.
Why don't you go out in the garden? They have some lovely deadly nightshade and some wonderful poison sumac.
Nay! I do not like poison sumac.
It will not grow on my head.
Yes, perhaps I should have my head examined.
- They do have some lovely weeds.
- Weeds? Why didn't you say so? Silly, silly.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Let's go, Cousin Itt.
Weeds are my favorite flowers.
The seed has been planted.
The plot cannot fail.
Oops! I forgot to tell them about the quicksand.
A few minutes under the hair dryer and you'll be as good as new.
And you, couldn't you see where you were going? - Of course.
I fell in, didn't I? - Fine time to go wading in quicksand.
You're supposed to be getting married.
I'd be willing to postpone it for a few years.
Oh, no, I'll jump right into my wedding dress.
I like feeling damp.
That was my favorite song, until just now.
Isn't that sweet? The bridegroom's getting nervous.
Come on, we'd better help the bride dress.
I haven't been this excited since Aunt Trivia's funeral.
Uncle Fester, what happened? I tried, but I guess Cousin Itt just wasn't her type.
No accounting for certain tastes.
She doesn't even like poison sumac.
- What do I do now? - Lf it'll make you feel any better, you can cry during the ceremony.
Well, that will make me feel a little better.
- Oops! I forgot to turn off the dryer.
- Great Scott! What do I do? A little stretch on the rack and he'll be as good as new.
Couple more minutes under there, he'd have disappeared completely.
Really? Maybe I should try that dryer.
Well, he's not up in the tower room.
He's not in the basement.
I looked there.
Cousin Itt, you shouldn't have looked in the chimney.
One spark, and you'd have gone up in flames.
Well, let's face it.
Your Gomez is gone, and my Ophelia is upstairs in tears.
Well, don't panic, he's around here somewhere.
You rang? Lurch, have you seen my son Gomez? No, Mrs.
Addams.
Where can that boy be? The river? Imagine, a jilted Frump.
We'll find him.
Now all of you spread out, and keep your eyes open.
You do the best you can.
To marry, or not to marry? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Hello, there.
How did you find me? I heard you calling.
That wasn't me, that was Cousin Fungus.
I'd better turn off the echo.
Thing? - Is Cousin Fungus coming to the wedding? - Oh, no, he doesn't get out much.
He's lived in a cave in back of the tunnel for 30 years.
What exquisite taste.
Do you like it? It's a divine tunnel.
- Then stay here with me.
- Just the two of us? No, the four of us.
Cousin Fungus and Thing.
We can play four-handed solitaire.
You do paint a lovely picture.
But we can't.
You must think of Ophelia.
I did.
That's why I'm here in the tunnel.
Think of all the many romances that started out a bit wobbly and then worked out.
Think of Romeo and Juliet.
They died.
But what fun they had those last three days.
I suppose there's nothing we can do.
Courage, mon ami.
- You spoke French.
- Gomez, now control yourself.
We don't want to give Cousin Fungus the wrong idea.
- Yes, yes.
- Now come along.
Poor Ophelia's crying her eyes out.
That might be an improvement.
Come on out, Gomez.
You coward.
Come on, Gomez, come out and get married.
Uncle Fester, I thought you were our friend.
I am, but we can't have a jilted Frump.
It'd be a stain on our family escutcheon.
And our family escutcheon is messy enough.
Why don't you just tell Ophelia the truth? - Gomez is a weak, sniveling coward.
- That's right.
Wouldn't you rather be a strong, masterful he-man? - Too dangerous.
- It doesn't have to be.
Not if you go about it right.
Why don't we try it? Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia.
You're kind, sensitive, quiet and understanding.
She certainly has changed.
And you are the new Gomez.
You're decisive, direct and definite.
- I'm afraid.
- That's pretty definite.
- Thank you.
- Uncle Fester, you're Ophelia, you're here, playing with your lyre.
- Gee! I didn't know I could play this thing.
- Uncle Fester.
Now, Gomez, put these things down.
There.
Now, don't be frightened.
Go in there and talk to her.
- Ophelia, I don't want to marry you.
- Gee, thanks.
No, no, no! - Thank you very much? - No, Uncle Fester, you have to put up more resistance.
- Gotcha.
- Now.
Come on.
Go again.
- Ophelia, I won't marry you.
- What! - Uncle Fester! - I'll shoot you this time! - I was just fooling.
- Let go of me, I'll shoot him in the back! - Uncle Fester, no, no.
- Just fooling.
Dear, this isn't working out at all.
I know, I'll play Ophelia.
Shucks! That isn't fair.
- Well, you can play my mother.
- All right.
Ophelia, your voice needs tuning.
It's that just that I'm so excited about my nuptials.
Here comes my betrothed now.
Here comes my betrothed now.
- Ophelia, I - All right, son, speak up, speak up.
Mrs.
Frump, I'm afraid I can't marry your daughter.
- What! I'll shoot him in the - Uncle Fester Mother, please.
Let the dear boy speak his mind.
You were saying? I was saying, there is only one person in the whole world I could ever marry, - and that one person is - Who? - You.
- Gomez.
- Morticia.
- Gomez.
- Morticia.
- Gomez.
Morticia.
It's beautiful.
Hey, we better hurry, that minister charges by the hour.
Come on.
Coming, coming.
Aren't you glad you decided to go through with it? Delighted.
- My, doesn't she look lovely? - A real Frump.
Great Scott! Who is that? Well, that's just Morticia, with her hair all combed out.
- Sloppy kid.
- A lovely child - has become a breathtaking woman.
- Ophelia? - Morticia.
- Who? Ophelia.
There is a customary question I have to ask.
Does anyone object to this ceremony taking place? Yes.
- Who? - Me.
I know this will come as a shock to you, Ophelia, but I must tell you the truth.
I'm unworthy of you.
- Really? - I'm sheltered, I'm spoiled, cowardly.
- That's true.
- Not only that, I'm I'm irascible and unpleasant and stupid.
That's true, too.
- I have some endearing qualities.
- Like what? Well - I'm rich.
- That's a very nice quality.
- Thank you.
- But you're still unworthy.
Besides, I think I've already found my true love.
My D'Artagnan, my Don Quixote, my knight in shining armor.
Sounds like me.
But I'm her uncle.
I couldn't bring myself to hurt you, Gomez, shatter your dreams.
But since you've confessed your unworthiness, you leave me no alternative.
Come, my love.
I might remind you that, as the saying goes, I get paid whether the ball game's rained out or not.
Fear not, a wedding will be held here this day.
He's looking this way.
Do you think he means me? The woman for me is that graceful, elegant creature standing over there.
He does mean me! - Will you marry me? - I thought you'd never ask.
Oh, your hair That dress, it drives me wild.
I'll never wear another.
- Do you really want to marry this man? - I certainly do.
- But you've only known him a few days.
- What better way to get acquainted? Right.
Friends, we're going to try it again.
We're going to proceed with the marriage of Gomez Addams and - What's your name, child? - Morticia Frump.
My favorite Frump.
That's how your father and I got married.
- Did you like the story? - Yes, it was so romantic.
- Pugsley? - All romances are a little goofy.
Did Aunt Ophelia marry Cousin Itt? No, I'm afraid it was just a summertime romance.
Cousin Itt turned out to be too much of a playboy.
I'd like to hear more about that.
It's much too stimulating this time of night.
Now you run upstairs and pop into bed, while you can still enjoy this lovely thunderstorm.
- Run along.
- Go on.
Perhaps we should go upstairs and enjoy the thunderstorm.
Oh, darling, I can't.
I have to finish my painting.
Querida, must you paint tonight? I want to capture this wonderful lightning.
Gomez, darling, look.
I've captured it.
Oh, yes.