The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e03 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
All right, get goin'! Granny, it ain't even daybreak yet.
Earl, did you have to crow this early? You did fine, Earl.
The early bird catches the worm.
When we plow up that front yard out there, you're gonna be up to your wishbone in them.
Here you go.
We'll start plowin' the first light of daybreak.
Shame on you! City living has made you soft and lazy! Now get to your feet before the whole morning is wasted.
It's already past 4:00.
4:00's powerful early.
No, not when you have the whole front yard to plow.
And corn to plant and taters, turnips, rutabagas and onions and oats and barley and watermelon.
All right, Granny, all right.
Now you get in the kitchen and get some breakfast on the table, and we'll be in directly.
See that you do.
Let's eat us a good, big breakfast Jethro, 'cause you and me's gonna be pulling that plow.
Pa No, Elly, now, I know you're strong and you're willing, but this here is Beverly Hills, and it just wouldn't look right for a young, pretty girl to be pulling a plow.
But Pa No, Elly.
Uncle Jed, what Elly's trying to tell you is that we went out last night and got a mule to pull that plow.
You did? Well, yeah, like you was saying, this here is Beverly Hills, and we got to keep up appearances.
That's right.
Where is it? Why, it's tied to that big tree out back.
Well, Jethro, he didn't look too happy there, so I bedded him down.
Good girl, Elly.
I didn't see no mule laying on the floor.
Couldn't have seen a mule laying on the floor.
There ain't no mule to see.
How's it going, Granny? Oh, just fine, just fine.
Jed, did you notice anything unusual about the kitchen this morning? Nope.
Not unless you mean that mule sleeping on the floor over there.
Oh, praise be, Jed.
I thought I was having visions.
Who brung him in here? You know as well as I do who's always bringing outdoor critters indoors.
Well, see if you can get him back outdoors again.
I don't cotton to mules laying around my kitchen.
'Tain't neat! I'll take care of it.
Now, then, young fella, if you'll just come along with me quietly.
Don't rile him, Jed.
I got kicked by a mule once.
I want to tell you, it smarts.
Granny, can I help you? You can help your pa get that mule out of here.
You sure can he won't move for me.
Well, y'all just stay here and I'll talk to Nelson.
Nelson? Come on, Nelson.
If she could just talk to folks the way she talks to critters, we'd have us a politician in the family! Well, get that mule bed out of here and wash up for breakfast, all of you! Looks like a good, strong mule, Jethro.
I hope he's broke to plow harness.
He's taking to it real good, Uncle Jed.
I bet you we can plow up that whole front yard before noon.
They wouldn't.
They might.
Well, come on, let's get around front with the plow.
They are! Giddyap, mule! Haw, mule, haw, haw, haw! Mr.
Clampett! Mr.
Clampett, wait, wait, wait! Pa and Jethro's bringing the plow.
Want me to stick the rest of these in the ground for you? Yes, Elly.
This being the dark of the moon, we'll plant the things that grow underground first, like our taters and our turnips and our onions and our beets and our radishes.
Then comes the light of the moon, and we'll plant our corn and our beans and our tomatoes.
Gee, Granny, you know more about farming than anybody.
Look to yonder.
The sun's full up, and we ain't plowed one furrow! What will folks think of us around here? I reckon folks ain't out of bed yet.
Folks around here sleep a mite later than they did back home.
I reckon so, Elly.
You know what I miss most, Elly? What, Granny? Well, back home, when we'd commence to plowing and a-planti " and a-harvesti" and a-barn raisin' or any kind of a big job, the neighbors would all come by to see if they can help you.
Folks don't do that out here in Beverly Hills.
They don't seem willing to help you like the folks back home.
One is, Granny! Look who's a-comin' on the run! Please, wait! By dingies, I spoke too fast.
He ain't only willing, he's anxious! Oh, howdy, Mr.
Drysdale.
Is them your work clothes? I reckon so, Elly.
And just because you're such a nice neighbor, I'm gonna let you plow the first furrow! But unless you've got tough feet, you'd better put on some shoes.
Granny, Elly, please.
He is anxious.
I'll go see what's holding up the menfolks with the plow.
It ain't no use, Uncle Jed.
This here mule's done made up his mind he's a gonna sit for a spell.
Well, knowing mules like I do, we might as well sit for a spell, too.
You know something, Uncle Jed? He's smarter than us.
This sitting beats plowing any ol' day! No wonder we ain't getting any work done! I ought to take a switch to the three of you, sitting back here hiding and loafing.
He's the one that's loafing Ain't a thing we can do till he gets his fill.
I'll see about that! Here, Jethro.
Mr.
Mule What did Elly call this thing? Uh, uh, Nelson.
Mr.
Nelson Nelson?! Now, you get up off of your big fat tailgate and commence to pulling that plow, you hear? This is gonna be a real battle of wills.
I'm betting on the mule.
I ain't so sure.
If there's anything mulier than a mule, it's Granny.
Granny? Granny? Elly May, you busted the spell.
Another minute, and I'd have had that fella buffaloed.
What's the trouble, Elly? Mr.
Drysdale said if we go to plowing up that front yard, the whole neighborhood will come storming over.
Well, that's dandy.
We got enough work for all of 'em.
Well, I think you'd better have a talk to him, Granny.
He sure is stirred up.
All right.
But you get that mule on his feet.
Nelson balking again, is he? Yeah, that's a fact.
Hey, Elly, what'd you say to that there mule? You wouldn't understand, Jethro.
It's mule talk.
I bet you Granny'd understand it.
Hold on there, what are you doing? Granny, you can't grow things like turnips and onions here in front of the house! That's turnip and onion soil if I ever tasted it.
But you can't grow anything.
There's a zoning ordinance here.
Now you tell me.
I already swallowed it.
Bless you.
Thank you.
Granny, you don't under Bless you again.
You'd better get some shoes on your feet.
Howdy, Mr.
Drysdale.
Elly got the mule up, Granny, and Uncle Jed will be here with the plow directly.
Bless you.
Bless you.
I-I've got to get home and get some clothes on, or I'll catch pneumonia.
Promise me you won't do anything until I get back! I've waited as long as I'm gonna wait.
Jethro, you take him in the house and put some shoes on him and some dry clothes.
Okay, Granny.
Come on, Mr.
Drysdale.
No, no! Hey, you'd better never say no to Granny unless your hide wants tanning.
Drysdale or no Drysdale, I say let's commence plowing.
Well, you promised him he could dig the first furrow, Granny.
I reckon that is a thrill for a city fella.
We can wait a mite longer.
Yonder comes some more help.
What in the name of Secretary Freeman are you doing? We're fixin' to plow and plant.
What does it look like we're doing? That's what it looks like you're doing.
Oh, thank goodness I got here in time.
You city folks are willing, but you sure don't know how to dress for plowing.
Does Mr.
Drysdale know about this? Oh, yeah, we's waiting for him to plow the first furrow.
And we ain't gonna wait much longer! Granny, yonder he comes.
Don't start yet! Don't start! Don't start yet! Don't start! It is Mr.
Drysdale! I reckon he ain't done much plowing, or he wouldn't be so all-fired anxious.
Miss Hathaway, am I glad to see you! Chief, you can't plow up this front lawn! There's a zoning ordinance here! We figure a little fertilizer will take care of that.
Have you taken leave of your Oh, shut up! I have no intention of plowing up this lawn, nor of allowing the Clampetts to do it! What did you say? Now, Granny, Mr.
Clampett, let-let's all go into the kitchen, sit down, have a nice cup of coffee and talk things over, eh? That's a city farmer for you.
He ain't turned one spoonful of dirt, and already he's tired! Mr.
Clampett, as your friend and neighbor, I-I-I beg you, I implore you, let me explain the whole thing.
Well, while you two are jawing, I'll be plowing.
Elly May, pull up them markers.
I'm gonna start to work.
Giddyap, mule! Ha! Let's go! Here he goes again! Elly May, get that Beverly Hills jackass on his feet! Should I, Pa? Well, Mr.
Drysdale seems right in earnest.
I reckon a little confab first won't hurt nothing.
Granny, may I give you a lift to the door? Ah! Take them.
They's the lazy ones.
Well, Mr.
Drysdale, we done scouted the whole estate and that piece of land out front That piece of land out front there Jethro, that's the third breakfast you've had this morning.
Well, Uncle Jed, plowing gives a fella an appetite.
But you ain't plowed none yet.
Oh, I know.
But we've been talking about it since 4:00 this morning.
And it's got me starving.
Well, take it into the pantry.
You're making more noise than a heifer going through a dry thicket.
Gee whiz, just 'cause a fella gets hungry talking about plowing, you got to throw him out of the kitchen.
Why don't you ever talk about Elly May? She eats just as much as I do.
But you got to pick on me.
No.
I try my best.
Well, now, as I was saying, that piece of ground out front is the best on the whole place for gardening.
It's nice and level, it's got no stumps or brush to clear.
It's handy to the house, and it's handy to the street, so's Granny can set up a little stand and sell some of the stuff she growed.
Oh, no.
Well, I reckon Mr.
Drysdale got up a mite too early for a city fella.
Elly May, give him some more coffee.
Mr.
Clampett, your neighbors in this lovely and exclusive section would never accept such action.
They would originate petitions, they would bring legal proceedings, they would take every means to protest, vigorously and vociferously.
You mean it'd get 'em riled.
Exactly.
Well, now, we sure don't want to do nothing to rile the neighbors.
But Granny's powerful set on plowing and planting that piece of land out front.
Mr.
Clampett, I will explain to Granny that in addition to the aesthetic depreciation and the local hostility that would obtain, the net results in volume of produce weighted against value per acre would make the entire venture economically unfeasible.
Well, if you're gonna explain it to her that way, I might just as well start plowing.
You gonna tell Elly to get that mule up, or am I gonna have to start turning that ground by hand? Granny, just bank your fire for a minute.
Ain't you done jawing yet? No, not quite.
What time is it? Almost straight up for 9:00 a.
m.
Hear that, Jed? We've done wasted the whole day! Elly May, pour your Granny a cup of coffee.
You want to do your Granny a favor? You get that four-legged friend of yours to pulling the plow.
Like he was paid his bucket of oats to do.
Granny, I doesn't without Pa tells me it's all right to do.
Are you gonna tell her? Not right this minute.
Now, set down.
Setting is for hens, not for farmers.
Now, I'm going out there and look that mule in the eye till he does my will.
And I'm gonna warn you, Jed Clampett, you're gonna own a mule with a powerful headache and a broke spirit.
Now, mule, you gonna get up and pull that plow?! I say you are.
All right.
I'm gonna put the mule hex on you.
Oh.
Think it's funny, do you? All right, Mr.
Mule, look me in the eye.
I hope your field trip idea works.
That little woman out there is harder to convince than a bank examiner.
Don't worry, Chief.
I shall carry the message to Garcia Or in this case, to Granny.
Well, I'll change clothes and get down to the bank.
Lots of luck.
Now, then, shall we put Granny in the front seat with me? Well, I kind of favor the backseat, twixt Jethro and me.
I figure maybe we got the best chance of holding her in the car.
Yeah, 'cause Granny ain't gonna take this setting still.
That's a fact.
Well, I got her hat and her reticule.
Granny won't go no place without she totes her reticule.
Uh, how far is it to the place we's going, Miss Jane? Oh, it's about an hour's drive from here.
That's gonna take considerable holding.
Sure is, 'cause right out there is two of the stubbornest critters that ever faced off.
You're getting a headache.
You're getting a headache.
You'd better, 'cause I sure am.
Come on, Granny, we's all going for a ride.
Well, if that don't take the roof off of the barn! Loafing isn't bad enough, now it's joyriding on plowing day! It ain't exactly joyriding, Granny.
We got something to show you.
Indeed we have, Granny.
This will be a ride you'll never forget.
That's for sure.
'Cause there ain't gonna be no ride to remember.
It'd pleasure us considerable if you'd come, Granny.
Miss Jane's gonna show us all about gardening and crop raising.
Aah! That'll be the day.
When a city woman can show me.
Jethro, I reckon in order to save time and palaver, you'd best fetch Granny along.
Granny, you know I got to do whatever Uncle Jed says.
Jethro, you put your Granny down! Come on, Granny! Put me down! I'm not going on this ride! You have yourself a good time till we get home.
There's lots of food and water.
And you can go for a swim in the cement pond, if you want to.
Sit down, Granny! I'm not going on this ride! Quiet down! Granny.
Granny.
Help! Help! I'm being kidnapped by my own kinfolk! Help a poor old lady! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Now, Granny, quiet down! Not me! I'm going! I'm going! Help! Quiet down! Look out yonder, Granny.
Ain't that something? Now do you see why we brought you here? Sure I do! You want to drown me in one of them ditches! Help! I'm being taken for a ride by a bunch of killers! Help! Granny, be sensible.
Why would we want to get rid of you? To get out of plowing and planting, that's why! I'm the only one that hasn't been spoiled rotten by city living! And you don't want me nagging your conscience! Help! Granny, Granny! This was my idea, to show you how unnecessary it is to plow and plant.
Look out there.
These people make farming their life's work.
By their efficiency and modern methods, they raise better crops and more of them than you and I could ever hope to.
Speak for yourself, city woman! Now, there ain't nobody so wise that they can't learn something new.
Well, don't expect me to learn 'em.
Look at 'em.
Planting corn at the dark of the moon time.
I'd like to see their faces when nothing comes up.
Granny, the modern farmer is so efficient that each one feeds 28 people.
Now, you hear that, Granny? You don't want to put men out of work with families that big.
How come we's stopping here, Miss Jane? We's only a half a mile from home.
We got plowing to do.
Granny, ain't you convinced yet? Precisely why I stopped here, Mr.
Clampett.
I have something else to show Granny.
And I think you'll find it very rewarding.
What's that mean? Think it means you're gonna get a reward.
In that case, get out of my way.
Now, Granny, while the others are exploring the rest of the market, I want to show you how unnecessary it is to plant a garden.
Look.
Could you grow a watermelon like that? That's a watermelon? Yes.
Back home, that'd be a cucumber.
You can't be serious.
But I must admit, that's the biggest cocklebur I ever did see.
Granny I'd sure hate to comb a mess of them out of a mule's tail.
Granny, this is a pineapple, all the way from Hawaii.
In fact, there are fruits and vegetables here from all over the world.
Come on.
Ah.
You know what this is? It looks like a hairy hickory nut.
Ooh! Ooh! It's looking back at me.
This is a coconut, from the Philippine Islands.
And over here are bananas from Central America.
And here are nuts from South America.
Well, that's one thing they don't have to bring to Californy: nuts.
Granny, you just won't take me seriously, will you? Well, everything's so mixed up out here.
It's got me discombobulated.
Now, everybody knows that you plant turnips on July the 25th.
But out here, you can't tell the difference twixt July and October.
Well, why bother to plant them all when the best in the world are here at your fingertips? Hmm.
Look at these turnips.
Well, now you got me beat.
I once growed a double turnip.
But I never pulled four out of one hole.
Well, Granny, how'd you like the trip? I liked it fine.
Wasn't that supermarket an eye opener? Best vittles store I ever did see.
Wonderful.
Now let's get busy and start plowing.
But, Granny, I thought you done give up the idea of growing your own vittles.
I did.
Till I went through that thing they call the checkout stand where you pay for what you got.
Well, I went through one of them.
I thought it was pretty fair.
Well, by dingies, when I can't buy a sack of vittles for $5,000, then I'm gonna start growing my own.
$5,000? Cold cash.
My life savings.
I handed that girl $5,000, and she handed it back to me.
Said it wouldn't buy nothing.
Well, no wonder, Granny.
It's Confederate.
So am I.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks Fer kindly droppin' in You're all invited back Next week to this locality To have a heapin helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.