The Comeback (2005) s02e03 Episode Script

- Now? Jane, ready? Okay.
- Yes.
Hello, hello, hello.
Welcome to my trailer on the studio lot.
Come on in.
Well This is my oh.
You wanna okay.
You know, on a sitcom your dressing room is your oasis, but this show shoots more like a film, so this is my trailer, my place to get away from it all.
Good luck getting away from this smell.
Mickey, I'm giving a tour, okay, and it's not in smell-o-vision! Remember that? Oh, so can you smell that? Like a rancid washcloth or something.
So look what I found on my first day when I arrived, huh? Crew jacket.
See that? Look at the needle.
'Cause he's a heroin addic Cute.
Come in! - Valerie Cherish.
- Yeah, present! Oh, hi, Valerie.
I'm Shayna.
I'm the first AD.
- Oh, hi.
- Just welcome to the set of "Seeing Red.
" Oh, thanks, yeah.
So exciting.
You know? It really is.
Oh, let me introduce you to my crew.
This is Jane, my producer.
Hey.
And that's Tyler, he Jane, what is Tyler? - He's - Your nephew.
No, I mean on the crew.
PA? He's our PA.
what is that? Sorry, dear, I'm trying to talk to Shayla over here.
- Shayna.
- Oh! Oh, that's right.
Okay, right.
That's a tough one 'cause there's no reference point.
- But I'll get it! - Uh, okay, Valerie, this is an updated call sheet for today.
Oh, thank you! All right ooh, Jane, this could be kind of fun.
Show people what an actual call sheet looks like.
Can you get real close on this? And then you can see the actors are listed in order of importance.
So there you see number one, right, Seth Rogen.
And who's next? Valerie Cherish, number two.
Speaking of number two, I think I found out where the smell's coming from.
- P.
U.
! - Well I'm trying to talk to Sh uh, Shayla.
Listen, what can you just tell me, dear, what is this one? It says "time permitting"? Scene 27, the one where you blow Mitch.
Oh, the The sexual fantasy scene, yeah, between Mallory and Mitch, yeah.
Yeah, we're probably not going to have time.
Unlikely.
Oh, great! Okay, just want to be prepared.
Yeah, oh, good.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Paulie G.
Wrote a scene where you blow him? Well, no, not me.
Mallory.
And it's not Paulie.
It's Mitch, his character.
Is doing it going to make you feel uncomfortable? You know, for an actor I think, um, they're Frequently asked to step outside their comfort zone, you know? One time I had to play a a brunette with migraines.
Yeah.
Hey, do you have a quick sec? Our line producer wants to say hi.
Oh yeah, have him come on up.
Um or I'll go down.
I'm coming down.
- Hi, Valerie.
- Hi.
- Ron Wesson.
- Oh, hi.
Gotta one sec.
I'm gonna get my camera crew for the behind the scenes.
Right.
I know about these guys.
But so nice to it's so nice to know that we have such a Hard-working man on this show.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Well, I just wanted to say that if there's anything you need, let us know.
- Thank you.
- Tell him about the smell! We need a new trailer or clothespins for our noses.
Who's that? Am I paying him? That's my hair person, so yes, you are.
Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.
I just got an invoice for a wig,.
Oh yeah, that's my Mallory church wig.
I just thought that you know, um, you wouldn't need a wig because your hair is red.
Well, okay, but that's my hair.
That's not Mallory's hair.
It's different.
Mickey, can you bring me Mallory? Yeah, here you go.
- Voila! - Yeah, see that? Just can take it off the thank you, doll.
Okay, look at this.
See that? See, my hair is more strawberry, you know, and this is more fiery, so completely different hair.
Completely different people, you know and, you know, it'll save time.
Because I'll come in as Valerie, plop this on head and I'm Mallory.
- So it works.
- Please excuse me.
I need to get by your cart.
Happy first day, Valerie! - There she is! - And Mickey, my adorable! We get to work together again, huh? I told you we would.
We did Joan Van Ark for the TV land awards.
Who's this? I'm Marianina.
I'm hair.
I thought he was hair.
Well, yeah, no, Mickey styles it and then Marianina places it.
I don't work with glue.
Why is this wig off the wig block? - Oh.
- It's not for show-and-tell.
- It's not right! - Okay.
Oh, here we go! What is that awful smell in here? She's great.
Yeah.
I can't pay for two hair people.
Oh, well, both necessary, so gotta have 'em.
We'll figure it out.
Mm, we figured it out for one.
Well, I'll pay, okay? I'll pay Mickey.
- Okay.
- Hey, Valerie.
There's a flower delivery - guy at the gate - Mm-hmm.
With a delivery from you.
They won't let him in.
Oh, okay.
Those are my flowers for Seth Rogen.
Just, you know, wanted to send my co-star some tulips on the first day.
Didn't figure I'd have to get clearance from homeland security.
Yeah, deliveries go to a routing center.
- Uh-huh.
- But they should arrive by afternoon.
Well, oh! First-day flowers, what's the point if they get here at the end of the day? Right? So could you just send a PA? We're already boned on set.
Short-staff, so I'll deal with it! I can't sit in that stink.
I'll die from the rot in the toilet.
Should have worn my sunglasses.
I can't Yeah, okay.
Well, that was fun, huh? Didn't realize I'd have to get the flowers myself, you know? So, maybe it's fun for people to see us zipping around the lot, huh? That's right.
Making lemonade out of lemons.
Have to look at life that way.
Hi.
Valerie Cherish.
Came here to pick up some flowers.
We're gonna be best friends by the time this is done.
- Aunt Val, it's him.
- Who? Oh.
- It's Seth Rogen.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
Hi, Seth! - Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Valerie Cherish.
Yes, of course.
How's it going? Nice meeting you.
What Man, I knew this thing was low-budget, they got you working the gate now too? Is that what you're doing? - Tyler Beck.
Oh, thanks, dude.
- Hey, you're awesome.
- Nice meeting you.
- No, he's with us.
He's Working the crew.
I think it's important to give kids a leg up in the business.
- That's very nice of you.
- So he's working on the BTS here.
Oh, BTS, yeah! You're doing it again, just like the original, huh? - Cool.
- I need to see some ID.
- Uh, yeah, no problem.
- Really? You need his ID? Maybe he could just show you some of his worldwide box office grosses.
I have those in my glove compartment if you need them, actually.
So funny.
- Oh, these are for you, anyway, here.
- Oh wow! Oh, you didn't have to do that at all.
Happy first day.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, Jesus! - Did that spill? It spilled a lot.
- Oh God, yeah.
- Oh God, okay.
- I'm really sorry.
Here, you know what? - It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
- No, look, here.
- I'll let you do it.
No, no, I got it.
Exactly, yeah, you know.
We just met.
Give me an hour at least, then we'll get there, you know? Cool.
So funny.
Yeah, awesome.
You know what? I could take them.
Why don't I just take them to your trailer for you? Because you're gonna get water all over your car.
- I'll put them in your trailer for you.
- That's so nice of you.
We'll do that.
I appreciate that.
Thank you so much.
Also could you just make sure you have my breakfast waiting for me as soon as I get to my trailer too? You can have these camera guys make it for me.
- Right.
- This guy looks like he can make eggs.
I like a breakfast meat, too! Just 'cause I'm Jewish doesn't mean I don't eat that.
How funny.
How about bacon or ham? - I'll take ham.
- Okay, got it.
You got it.
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
Make sure you have my ham ready for me, Ginger Snaps.
Thank you.
Nice meeting you guys.
Bye! Nice meeting you.
Bye.
Gonna be fun, I think.
Oh, he's so nice.
Jane, did you hear that? Come "Ginger Snaps"? Got me a nickname now, huh? Ha! That's great.
You know what? I'm gonna get him a ham.
Tyler, I want you to go get him a ham.
Jane where would I even get a ham? Gee, I don't know, the grocery store? I don't know the valley.
Well, it's a good thing you've got a little computer in your hand right there.
Right? Here's $40.
The key.
Get me a good one, okay? What if it's more than 40? I'm good for it.
I think you know where to find me, right? I mean he doesn't even know what to do.
Miss? - Oh! That's right.
Okay.
- You can't stand there.
Yeah, we're gonna go.
Look at you in that track suit, Red.
Talk about dejá vu.
You know A lot of great shows were shot on this very lot.
You know? Like "Mary Tyler Moore Show" - and "Roseanne.
" - "I'm it!" Well didn't want to say it, but yes! This is where we shot my show "I'm it!" You know? And now I'm back doing another classic show, along with those others, so come on in.
Let see.
Oh, hi, Ron! Look, this is the wig.
Worth it, huh? 'Cause 'cause in the light you'll see big difference.
Yeah.
Looks like we won't take the scene 27 today.
- 27, okay.
- The blowjob.
Got it, yeah.
Oh, thanks for the update.
Yeah.
Oh, look at this! This is Mitch's office.
Look at this.
This is where he writes the sitcom and has sex with prostitutes, and does the heroin.
Wow.
Look at oh, and there's the Homer Simpson just like he wrote it.
You know Paulie won an Emmy for writing "Simpsons.
" He was 25.
- 25.
- That doesn't look like homer.
Guess they couldn't get clearance, you know.
What do you "Hi, Simpsons, we want to shoot drugs in front of your characters.
" Not gonna happen.
I'm only sativas, no indicas.
Oh, okay.
Here they are.
Gimme the ham, Tyler.
Ooh.
Hams are heavy.
Jane, you're going to want to get this.
There are my two talented guys! - Hi.
- Mr.
Seth Macfarlane.
Rogen.
Oops.
It's okay.
And you got me a ham.
Yeah, well Based on the very, like, offhanded comments I made.
What the fuck are we talking about here? I gotta go.
Okay, cool.
Bye.
Looking forward to working with you.
You too! So nice meeting you.
Who was that then? That's Ashley.
She plays April.
Oh, the Juna character? - April.
- That's right.
Yeah, so, what's with the ham? I asked for it - this morning as like, a joke.
- You did.
Yeah, I saw her at the gate.
And he's not the only one that gets a first day gift.
Tyler.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
What do I get here? This is a A giant sausage? - That would've been good.
Yeah.
- It is.
You're funny.
Great.
Yeah.
It's for your scripts and things you know.
Not drugs, though.
It's too much.
Oh, I don't think so.
No, no.
It's such a real big moment, you know? First day directing.
Wait, what? It's your first day directing anything? Ever? You've never done, like, a short, or a commercial, or anything like that? Don't do that.
Don't give her that.
I'm fucking with you, man.
I'm totally fucking with you, right now.
Asshole.
Oh.
Oh, man, that was so brutal.
I'm so sorry.
Oh God.
No, I knew you were a brand new director, and somehow an old hack at the same time.
Okay, now, can I please get a first shot.
Mallory and the ball-busting movie star, - on your marks, please.
- On our marks.
Here we go, yeah.
Mickey, can I have my sides? Oh, so exciting, Red.
Just cause, you know Remember on "Room and Bored," Paulie liked his words just so.
You know, every writer, really.
Even the ones hooked on heroin, I guess.
Read the Mitch lines for me.
Just want to be sure.
"You can't just walk in here without "F-ing knocking.
" Yeah, that's all right, Mickey.
It's HBO, they love the "F" word, so feel free to "F" it up, everybody.
"You can't just walk in here without fucking knocking.
"Next time knock With your head.
" What are you, a nine-year-old boy, Mitch? "Stay out of my room!" Why don't you put a sign on your wall on your door that says "keep out"? That never happened, though.
- I never said that.
You know.
- "How 'bout a sign that says, "'watch out for falling lamps'?" Page five Val, can I talk to you? - Sure, yeah.
- Without the cameras? - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- It's private.
Yeah, like a blowjob? Jane, just need a couple minutes.
It's okay.
Bye.
Over here? So, before we start Mm-hmm.
This show is important to me.
It's important to me too.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Great.
I want it to go well.
So do I.
So, we cool? We're cool.
Fresh start.
Great.
Good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sure.
Paulie, one question.
Just one.
Um Do you want me to go up, or stay the same on that line, you know? It's like "why don't you put sign on your door that says 'Keep Out'" or, "why don't you put a sign on your door that says 'keep out'?" Yeah.
Either way is fine.
Say it like you'd say it.
I would never say it, though.
You know, I have respect for the writer's process.
You know that.
Which Yes.
Surprise me.
- I can do either.
- You can do that I just want to do it right for you.
Up.
Up it is.
Okay.
Oh, Paulie? Thank you for the talk.
Action.
Jesus fucking Christ! What are you doing? You can't just come in here without knocking! Next time knock With your head.
- What are you, a nine-year-old boy? - Just you know what? Even the devil himself knocks before he comes in here, takes out my eye, and fucks my eyehole! So, if that's what you want to do, Mallory, if you want to come in here and fuck my eyehole, you have to get in line behind the devil! And the network, 'cause they were just in here fucking my eye socket.
And I haven't washed the network jizz out of my eyehole yet, so you can't fuck it yet.
What is it what are you, a nine-year-old boy, huh? "Keep out of my room!" Why don't you just put up a sign that says "stay out"? Yeah, why don't you put a sign that says, "watch for falling lamps"? Okay.
I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, that was the wrong lamp.
We only have one of those.
I wasn't supposed to break that lamp, I'm sorry about that.
- Cut! - Shit.
Sorry.
I fucked up, man.
Wash the network jizz out of my eye socket? Was that good? Was that okay? Are you kidding me? More please, I wish I would have thought of it.
Hey, I was just riffing.
I kinda I riff a lot.
She kept up, got right back in there.
Yeah, yeah.
Do your fucking "jizzy eye" riff.
Yeah, that was awesome.
Oh, I'll do my jizzy eye riff.
- Valerie? - Yeah? Oh, yeah.
- Hi.
Zelda? - Um, uh You switched uh, "stay out" and "keep out.
" Uh-huh, did I? Yeah, Paulie wanted you to know you switched it.
Uh, it's "stay out of my room," and the sign says "keep out.
" Right, that's Make sure I get the line right? Okay.
Two words that are interchangeable? Can't wait to see what he says to Seth.
Oh, I heard you, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't want to wake you.
- What time is it? - It's not late.
Oh, it's 3:00 A.
M.
Long day.
I know.
Now that you're awake I just wanted to thank you for being so supportive.
You know? I think I did real good today.
You know the monologue? At one point, Paulie G.
was nodding, so Just makes me feel better about the stuff I don't want to do, you know, like the blowjob with Seth.
Not Seth.
His character.
You know.
I didn't see anything on the show.
Does Paulie G.
have a thing for you? Oh, yeah.
Can't you feel the sexual tension? Well, he wrote it.
How do you film something like that? I have no idea.
I haven't done a sex scene since I made out with Alan Thicke in that "Growing Pains" flashback.
I'm a little nervous.
Then don't do it.
Oh, okay, you want to write me a note? "Dear Paulie G.
, my wife can't blow you.
" How about this.
"Dear Paulie, you think you can write and direct? "Why don't you also blow yourself? Love, Mark.
" So funny.
You wanna practice for tomorrow? Oh, I gotta get ready for bed.
I gotta get up soon.
You know there's nothing on earth I'd rather do.
The smell in Val's trailer is even worse today.
Guys, can't hear this right now.
Okay? Trying to focus on the scene for today.
I thought you didn't have any lines? You're just here to Oh, how shall I say this? Do a good "job.
" Okay, you know what? Still Okay? I want to look it over.
Find my way through it, you know? No lines is still acting, you know? Patty Duke didn't have any lines when she played blind and you know.
Still, she had to concentrate, right? Oh! Okay, the wig is set! Okay.
Good.
Ash, you want to finish up now? You can do that.
Sure! Come on over.
Mickey, we'll style Mallory on set, okay? Instead of the trailer.
Oh, hallelujah! Just wanted to say hi.
I'm Valerie Cherish.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're playing the Juna part, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Juna and I had a real special relationship when we were doing "Room and Bored," so - Cool.
- Yeah.
Forgot I'm not Mallory, she's not Juna.
Right.
Okay.
I hope these eye gels are helping 'cause I'm working on four hours of sleep.
Girl, you have healthy sweat glands.
Yeah.
Pretty beads.
Wear them every day? Prayer beads.
I chant.
Do you? Do you chant? - Has really made my life work.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Shayna, we need a new trailer.
Give that the gas can.
Valerie, I'd like to invite you to set.
We're ready to do the blowjob.
Sure, yeah.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Yeah.
Let's breathe while dabbing.
Okay? Don't want to be late for sex set.
Hey, Valerie.
I want you to meet Monica and Celeste.
Uh-huh.
These are the two women in this fantasy sequence.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Valerie.
So Yeah.
So nice to be - Okay.
- Working with other ladies.
- Hey, Val.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Ladies, hi.
Thank you for being here today.
So the first part of this scene is just technical.
Okay? Oh.
Yeah Just like this.
Valerie, you're in the middle, you girls flank her on either side.
We're gonna shoot this continuously without cutting.
That's a it's a special effects scene where I disappear.
Uh, exactly.
And I've been waiting for this day for a very long time.
Oh, ha ha, I get it, you.
In this scene, okay, he's He's imagining you two while she's blowing me, so that I can get aroused.
You know? Okay? Did he just say "me"? Got confused, that's all.
Nothing happened.
Tell them, Mickey.
Okay, ready to shoot! Nothing happened.
Nothing sexual.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
Forgot they were gonna be - Chilly? - Well So free.
So beautiful, really.
- We're ready, let's shoot this! - Yeah.
Okay.
I don't think that we should film these women.
It just feels really exploitative to me.
Well, I don't think It just feels really sleazy, - Okay, Jane - The way Hollywood treats women.
Yeah, not right now.
Okay? I don't even know why you're talking.
Jane, get your fucking locusts off my set! - I want to shoot! - See? Fantasy effects scene, "A"camera only.
Settle! And I don't want to see any cell phones! All yours, Paulie.
Okay, Val, camera is locked off.
We need at least a minute of this.
Okay? I want you just to stand perfectly still.
Look directly in the camera.
And action.
No movement! Bet you don't hate this job so much now, do you? Is that enough? You have enough? Val, don't speak.
Almost done.
Okay, Monica, Celeste.
I want you to start making the orgasm noises.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Oh! Mmm.
Mmm.
Yes, yes! Oh, yeah! And cut! I see you guys met my mom and my sister? So funny.
Oh, it's like that every time.
I'll help you, dear.
There you go.
Okay, well, it was great working with you.
- You too.
- Okay, get home safe.
Yeah? Ready, ready.
Blowjob's up.
That was hell.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's where I was.
- Val? - Yeah? - Uh, Ned, props.
- Yeah, hi.
Yeah.
Uh, for this next part, are you gonna want knee pads? No.
Sure? 'Cause you're gonna be down there a long time.
She won't need them! Yeah.
I don't think Val? - Could you come over here, please? - Gotta go.
Uh-huh? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So, uh - Just like we rehearsed.
- Uh-huh.
Okay, uh, you're over here - Mm-hmm.
- Across from the couch.
You say, "walk over here.
" - Yeah, "walk over here.
" - "Walk over here.
" - Okay, and then you cross to him.
- Okay.
All right, go down on your knees, and blow him.
- Simple, right? - Right.
Okay.
Let's uh, let's do it before "hot wheels" Ron runs me over with his chair.
Okay, Val, on your mark, please.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Seth, here's your syringe and your works.
Thank you, great.
You cool with this? Sure.
Just acting, right? Just one sec.
Sorry.
Paulie? Paulie, just a quick question.
Just, real quick.
Um, I was just Wondering 'cause there's so many different ways to play this.
Right, there's eager, reluctant, not at all.
So, what did what did you have in mind, then? Oh, well, I had in mind that you blow him.
Yeah, well, I got that.
Right? That's a but, um Okay, since this would never happen, uh You know.
What can't you just tell me what it represents? You know, what's underneath, maybe? 'Cause people keep asking me.
You know? And then I always tell them that's not my job.
You know? So, just if you could Before we roll, maybe For clarity.
Give me some clarity on - Why - Clarity? Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
You know how in "Room and Bored" you'd always say, "Paulie, I need a better joke here," - or - Not always.
"Paulie, I think this script could be better.
" Well, when you said that shit, I would think, "Blow me.
Blow me, Valerie.
" "Blow me.
" Right? - Okay.
- So, you know, I wrote it.
Right.
So, that's it.
It's just symbolic.
Yeah, it's not sexual.
Good.
Okay, thanks for the time.
Yeah.
Okay.
Shayna, hit them sticks.
Let's get out of here.
I need to go to the Formosa for not-drinks later.
You probably can't be here.
"B" marker.
Ready.
Action.
Walk over here.
Walk? It's been a long day.
Why don't you just rape me? - Cut! - Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
I thought I thought I felt a riff coming on.
You know, like the other day? But, no.
Right.
Yeah.
- No, you know.
- Who were you talking to? Well, I you know, just the audience.
- But no, right.
Rape's not funny.
- It's a tough area.
So, my bad.
We can go again.
What's the problem? Have you never given a blowjob? Well okay.
But, just, you know I'm fine, it's just That this never happened.
You know? This never happened.
Of course this never happened.
- Never happened.
- Okay.
- You hear that everybody? - Well Especially Valerie's cameras.
Get this.
Very important.
This never happened! Okay? She never blew me! Well I just have one question.
Yeah? Did this ever happen? In real life? - Okay.
- No.
Can we please get back to work? - Yeah? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Val Here is exactly what I'm looking for.
Oh good, yeah, great.
Uh - Walk to him.
- Uh-huh.
- On the couch.
- Can do.
- Drop to your knees.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, now when you get there, I need to see your head going up and down.
Right? Oh.
And I need to see your hand, like, put on top of her head.
Just, you know, like, really pushing it down.
Really? Yeah.
My hand pushing her head down? I mean I'm just, like we're in your head for this, right? This is your fantasy, and, you know, I thought in my, you know when I read it, in your fantasy, she wanted to do it.
I wasn't forcing her to do it.
That's part of the fantasy, right? Right, right.
Yeah.
And I just, like, you know Correct me if I'm wrong.
The shot is it's like a tight shot of my head.
Like, I'm selling it, right? I mean Said the asshole movie star.
But, like, that's what it is, right? Right.
That's how you're gonna shoot it, right? So, like, I mean, honestly, like If we're in your head, you know, and I'm selling it, like, I don't know if you need her to do anything at all.
Like, I mean, you're gonna cut to me, you cut to the naked girls, and then I mean, in all honesty, though, I don't even want to see me get a blowjob.
It's fucking gross.
It should all play, you know, off camera, right? No, that's a great idea, man.
Yeah.
It's better that way.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
Wish I knew it was gross before I blew you.
I'm glad you didn't.
Yeah.
No, that's great though, yeah.
So, yeah.
- That's - No, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Okay.
So then, Val, you just, uh You just walk over, drop below frame, okay? And then, just, you know, keep your head out of the shot.
Great.
Fine.
Do nothing.
Got it.
I can do that.
Great.
Got you, Ginger Snaps.
"B" marker.
Set.
Action.
Walk over here.
Oh yeah.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Val, I can still see your head.
Can you get lower? Got it.
Thanks.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you do heroin while you're doing this Oh God, it's even better!