The Critic s02e03 Episode Script

1 Hello.
- Hello.
- This is the fox network.
Yeah, we just wanna say we are thrilled to have you with us, big guy.
Wait a minute.
Did I call John madden or that stupid cartoon critic? It stinks.
Our next film stars Keanu Reeves and Christian slater in star trek, generation x.
Space: Big deal.
All right, you two.
Who wrote, "beavis and butt head rule" on the back of my skull? Not us, man.
Hey, aren't you the dudes from the t.
V.
Show? You know, that space thing? Will you please try to stay in character? When will people stop going to star trek movies? Maybe when they see this clip of William shatner's musical number.
"Raindrops keep "falling on my head my feet are too big for my bed.
" Ah, 4:30.
Time for dinner.
Hmm.
What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Oh, it must mean the eggs have ripened.
Wait a minute.
Eggs don't ripen.
Eggs don't ripen! I think I'll eat at my parents'.
Oh Margo, what's wrong? I'm the only girl in my class without a boyfriend.
Oh, margo, a girl like you will have plenty of boyfriends.
How? I'm stuck in an all-girl school, and the only available guy in the neighborhood is ed koch.
How am I doin'? How am I doin'? Go away.
I'm not doin' so good.
Oh, Jay, did you hear? We're getting new neighbors next door.
Ted forrester's going to prison in that s & l scandal.
Ah, prison.
Those were the best 5 to 10 years of my life.
You know, I was a model prisoner.
Modeled lingerie, mostly.
Oh, my chest! I'm Eleanor sherman, your new neighbor, and this is my daughter, margo.
Hi.
My name is Johnny wrath.
Johnny wrath! The lead singer/songwriter of nuns in a blender? The most relevant band on the grunge rock scene today? Shackleford, you listen to grunge rock? Before I was your Butler, I would buttle for the Beatles, and the turtles and the eagles, and the kings of heavy metal.
You're a heavy metal- eagle-turtle-beatle Butler? And I once dusted the lamp of John cougar mellencamp.
Would you like to work for me? This was clearly meant to be.
I never knew you had this itch.
Live and learn, you wicked witch.
I wish I hadn't used the word "itch.
" I can't sleep with that awful racket.
You know, as long as we're both awake, we could, oh Well, you have to come to me.
Maybe tomorrow night.
Jay, do you know where I could find a good preschool for penny? I don't know if I like her hangin' around Doris all day.
Oy, my hip is killin' me.
Oy, at least you don't have diaper rash.
Mah-jong.
Well, I'd like to help you, but my only experience with preschool was rather painful.
We have a special guest today, children.
Dr.
Timothy leary.
And he brought his own kool-aid.
Next thing I knew, I was down at the hungry eye, jamming with Dylan.
that's my name, too I'm interested in your preschool for my daughter penny.
We have room for your daughter.
Wonderful.
But I'd like a tour first.
A tour? Uh, why, yes, of course.
This is child labor.
Well, yes.
Sir, have we made enough Simpsons merchandise yet? Never! Maybe this one'll be better.
Come on in.
It's nap time.
I don't want to nap.
You will nap or be eaten by the worm from hell! I don't like this school.
Which part didn't you like? It's the worm from hell, isn't it? He's not so bad once you get to know him.
Let's go, honey.
Oh, penny.
It's beautiful.
Do you think we can get in, mama? Your kids are brats, prince Charles.
Get out.
I'll have your head for this! Who died and made you king? Nobody.
What are you workin' on? Writing a love song.
Do you know a rhyme for "flesh-eating bacteria"? Sorry.
Yeah Yeah.
Yeah.
First he stole my Butler.
Now he's stealing my daughter.
Well, he won't steal the silverware.
I've glued that to the ceiling.
Uh, dad, I understand the silverware, but why the dog? You understand the silverware? Cuckoo.
Tonight on hard copy, o.
J.
Refuses to speak.
Part 2 tomorrow.
Next, nuns in a blender front man, Johnny wrath, has a new girlfriend, margo sherman.
Margo's brother is film critic Jay sherman.
Here's an embarrassing photo of Jay with his foot stuck in a toilet.
Last week, they appeared on the Howard stern show.
Well, Howard, my new album is shut up.
Margo, can I see you naked? Of course not.
Then get out.
Robin, what's so funny? I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
Oh, this is horrible.
Our family has always avoided unwanted publicity.
For instance, the pope has been trapped in our hedge maze for a week, and we haven't told anyone.
Don King, how do you get out of this maze? If I knew, I'd be there! Mom, why don't I go talk to margo? Thank you, Jay.
You're a good son.
Now I have to interview replacements for the Butler.
Hello.
I'm Mrs.
doubtfranklin.
Watch me lose my false teeth and set my bosoms on fire.
Oh, Franklin, you're not fooling anybody.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
I just did this because I wanted to see the children.
You can see them anytime.
Well, who wants to do that? I'll be honest with you, Mrs.
tompkins, there's no chance of your daughter getting into this preschool.
I refuse to accept that.
My daughter is bright, she's well-behaved and I can stand on my head.
Sorry.
Sir, Michael Jackson on line one.
Mr.
jordell, do you have any openings? For the last time, Michael, we only take children.
And now back to the late late show with host tom snyder.
Now, Johnny, you rock 'n' roll stars, you you wear your hair long, you shake your hips, wh-wh-what's the deal? And what are you, 100? Something like that, yes.
Johnny's just like you, Jay.
He's not afraid of anything.
Not even the t.
V.
Networks.
Well, they're all pretty crummy.
Except for fox, the last bastion of quality programming.
God bless you, little logo.
Look, I'm sure it's really exciting dating this guy, but I'm just afraid you'll get hurt.
I can take care of myself.
I'm almost 17.
I'm only saying this because I care, margo.
Rock stars are scum.
I was once beaten up by snoop doggie dog.
No, wait it was snoopy the dog at the ice follies.
Jay, if you just spend 5 minutes with Johnny, you'd see that he's smart, he's honest, and he really cares about me.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
Oh, now Johnny, i notice you've got a little goatee there.
That's what we used to call a cookie duster.
I, uh do ya like cookies, Johnny? Call me crazy, but I I like hydrox better than oreos.
Johnny? Hello.
I'm margo's brother, Jay sherman.
Yeah.
I'm worried about margo.
She's only a kid, and I'm afraid you see her as just another conquest.
Look, I really like margo.
You know, she's cynical and funny.
She's just like you if you were a girl.
Johnny angel how I love him va-va-va-voom! I swear, man, I'd never do anything to hurt margo.
You know, my gut's tellin' me we're going to be friends.
There's a pumpkin pie cooling on his windowsill.
You make nice, and the pie is mine! Our last film tonight is a hard-hitting look at alcoholism, entitled d.
T.
, the drunken terrestrial.
I love you.
I really, really, really love you.
I don't know when I ate that.
E.
T.
, I don't think we should do this right now.
I fly better when I've had a few.
Ow.
You know, I really like this film.
It dealt with a serious problem in an entertaining way.
One of my sponsors is bloat beer.
But they'd be the first to admit that drinking is the worst get off the stage! I'll cut ya, man.
I'll cut ya.
That's the last time I hire Sean young to be a dancing beer bottle.
I've finally found a decent preschool and they won't accept penny.
That's awful.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm failin' my little girl.
Alice, I'll get your daughter into that preschool even if it means eating a whole cheesecake, then taking a nap.
That won't help.
It couldn't hurt.
Here they are: Nuns in a blender! These front-row seats are amazing.
Hmm Is that a speaker? Are you all right? Are you ready to rock? - Not yet! - Brad's tyin' his shoe! Ok! At last! Now I'd like to introduce 2 very cool friends of mine: Margo and Jay sherman! I have a low center of gravity.
Hey! It's meatloaf! Shut up! Look, I I got somethin' to show ya.
Wow.
Yeah, it used to say "maggot," but I figured, what the heck, I'm never going to see her again.
You're very special to me, margo.
Hey, watch it.
What? I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready yet.
Take all the time you need.
When you're ready, it'll be a gift you give only to me.
And a gift you give only to me.
UhYeah.
Mom, I need some advice about sex.
I don't think you're ready yet.
Women today are always rushing into things.
It takes years of flirting and teasing to bring a man to a proper boil.
I'm not sure if it's Johnny I love or the glamour.
Believe me, I know what that's like.
Wow! I can't believe I'm on a date with Cher, and that I met her in a bus station in Newark, of all places.
I got you, babe.
Margo, I know this thing with Johnny is confusing, but if you look deep inside yourself, you'll know what to do.
Johnny? Margo? Oh, man.
Margo, I'm sorry! Oh, man.
Darling, I'm sorry you were hurt.
Mom, I trusted him.
Listen to me, margo.
You are going to have plenty of boyfriends, until one day you finally find the wonderful man you wish to marry.
48 hours and still going.
Oh Our last film tonight is the new, politically correct version of James Bond, on his or her majesty's secret service.
Well, darling, thanks to my efforts, blofeld's army will now admit homosexuals, the blind and midgets.
Die, bond! Die! Uh, Mr.
bond is next door.
Oh, silly me.
James, please, you know how I hate second-hand smoke.
Maybe I could light your fire.
Well, before we begin, I need a list of all the women you've been with for the last 20 years.
Hmm, let's see.
There's pussy galore, holly goodhead, plenty O'Toole, and of course octopussy uh, maybe, we should just cuddle.
Cuddle, my ass! That's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it.
James Bond will return in Dr.
no means no.
I like this film, particularly its anti-smoking message.
The company that owns this show makes "phlegm fatale" cigarettes.
But I'm sure they'd agree that smoking is the worst hey! That was me back in 1954.
Smoke in the bathroom smoke after school really? What happened to your career? I got knocked up by the fruit of the loom banana.
Listen up, pugsley.
We got to talk.
But first I need your help, boss.
I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck.
I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap.
What more can one man do? I'll do what I can, son.
I'm Duke Phillips, and I want you to put this little girl in your school, pronto! Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
leghorn, but we don't have an opening.
You know what he's sayin', Duke.
He's saying that you can't get the daughter of the assistant to one of your most expendable employees into this pre-school.
Is that a compliment or an insult? An insult.
I've never been so insulted in my life.
So what are you going to do, build your own preschool? Your own preschool, I'd like to see that.
Don't take it so hard, buddy.
Have some soft-serve ice cream.
Could this possibly be any more disgusting? You should see the muffin shooter.
Mmm-mmm! The hardest part was teaching the bunnies to hug.
Thank you for the wonderful school, Uncle Duke.
Oh, you're welcome, honey.
Now I'd like you to meet your English teacher, prince Charles, your dance instructor, Sean young, and your headmaster, pulitzer prize-winning columnist, Mr.
Jimmy breslin.
Here's your headline, "bunnies bite breslin.
Breslin bleeds badly.
" Oh, he still looks cute.
Margo, you'll get over Johnny.
How? He's right next door.
I just wish we could get rid of him.
I'm not really a rabbit.
We know.
Ohh! I have an idea.
I bet we're not the only ones with embarrassing parents.
Huh? No! It can't be! We're Johnny's parents, herb and myra rathberg.
We didn't shorten our name to impress the gentiles.
Didn't you kill your mom? No, that was just a song.
Johnny wrath, your middle name is "bogus.
" Oh, no.
It's shlomo.
Johnny shlomo, get the bags.
The bags? A house this big, you can't spare room for your parents? And maybe aunt yetta? Yetta's coming? Oy! Widen the doors strengthen the floors yetta's back in town look at me.
I'm a regular Bruce springstein.
Oy! That's it.
I'm outta here.
Now, why on earth would a grown man not want to live with his parents and aunt yetta? Mom, nobody can be cool in front of their parents.
Not even Sean connery? So when are you goin' to settle down with that nice miss Moneypenny? For the last time, dad, it's just a bloody movie! Pipe down and eat your haggis.
Margo, before I left I just wanted to say goodbye.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Before you left, I wanted to say "get bent.
" Look, you loathe me and I'm comfortable with that.
But I did write a song for you.
It's called "margo.
" Margo, I blew it now I got to chew it I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Yeah, yeah, yeah what do you think? Oh.
That was beautiful.
All right, time for school.
The first thing I'm going to teach you: Where to buy a nice pretzel.
Now, darlin', you play nice with the other children.
What other children? Oh, you're right.
Well, play nice with prince Charles.
And I don't want you touching that broken beer bottle.
Yeah, right, you son of a Thank you, Jay, for helpin' my daughter get into this weird, but wonderful school.
Thank you for getting rid of Johnny.
Yes, it looks like I've wrapped up all the loose ends.
How 'bout this, pope? You fight the dalai lama, 15 rounds at Caesar's palace.
He doesn't have a prayer.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir, the show's over.
Get away, zit face.
Shh!