The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e03 Episode Script

[serene music]
[chuckling]
- What?
- Listen to this.
Drew has his
whole day planned.
"Things to do with Lisa.
"Afternoon, move Lisa in.
"Night time options.
Share a silly secret."
Wash each other's hair."
That shouldn't take long.
"Read asexystory."
Give me that!
I'm trying to make sure
everything goes alright.
It's the first time I've
ever lived with a woman.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna
live with a woman.
Our little Drew's growin' up.
Seems like only yesterday
he was the older,
single man in the neighborhood
that all the parents kept
their children away from.
Yeah, butnowhe's
living with awoman.
Goodbye, police lineups.
Hey, Drew,
how come you've got
coasters in all
the bottle rings?
I can't see where
my beer goes.
For your information
you put the coasters
under the beer bottle
in case it sweats.
So, do you sit
on a coaster, Drew?
Knock it off,
this is serious.
You know, Lisa and I almost
broke up a couple of weeks ago.
Luckily, I came up with the idea
of us movin' in together.
Shut up! It's gonna work.
Hey, remember the day
I first moved in?
Like it was
yesterday, Lewis.
Couple of crazy kids
no furniture,
makin' minimum wage.
- Things have changed.
- Yeah.
- They raised the minimum wage!
- Hello!
Oh! Holy Christmas, Drew
this soup sucks.
It's not soup,
I'm simmering potpourri.
WellI guess, I shouldn't
have put the hotdogs in.
Hmm.
Doilies.
[Southern accent]
Hey, pa, looks like
a woman's comin' over.
Woman on the ranch!
Woman on the ranch!
"New Age Woman,"
"Independent Woman?"
Hey, look, Lewis
you're a "fashion don't."
Oh.
Okay, that's it!
Just put 'em back!
In the fan-shape.
Drew, what're you doin' here?
I'm freakin' out.
That's what I'm doin'.
[doorbell ringing]
Huh! Get down!
- What?
- Huh? Nothin'.
Just act normal.
Hello, Lisa!
- Hey, Drew.
- Hello, Drew.
Hello, Lisa.
A carpet tree!
I always wondered
where carpet came from.
Hey, thanks for getting Jay
and his movers to help me, Kate.
I never thought anyone
would do it for free.
Well, thanks for
moving in with Drew.
I never thought anyone
would dothatfor free.
Lis, did you
pack a litter box?
Oh, Mischka
doesn't use one.
She's toilet-trained.
She's what?
Toilet-trained,
she hops up on the seat
and does her
little business.
See, Oswald?
Even cats can do it.
Hey, at least I bury it.
Well..
we're finally
gonna do it.
God!
We really are.
And I have a good
feeling about this.
I mean, I don't
care if all those
women's magazine say
it's a big mistake.
Ah, who reads
that crap anyway?
Uh-oh. We left
the door open.
Strays are getting in.
Come on you, shoo!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Get out of here!
Wait, wait, wait.
These-these are my dogs.
Since when did
you get two dogs?
My folks just got
into a condo where they
don't allow animals
and since you..
Aww.
And since you have such
a great yard, I thought..
I.. Well, y-you
don't mind, do you?
No. See?
The special surprises
are startin' already.
[dog whines]
Well, he likes you.
Alright,
y-you know Mischka.
(Drew)
'I love Mischka.'
(Lisa)
'Yes.'
'And this Chaplain.'
Chaplain.
And Stinky.
Stinky.
How'd you get
your name, huh?
And finally..
Come on, baby.
Oh, a veteran.
This is Speedy.
He's got a little hip problem.
Aw.
You know, I had an aunt
with a hip problem?
But you have a lot
less hair on your face.
Now, we're gonna
build you a special bed.
Just for you,
buddy, yeah!
Well, you know, they-they
sleep in the bedroom with us?
Oh.
Now, Speedy..
you're gonna see some things
that you may not understand
but people do it
facing each other.
[theme music]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[upbeat music]
Well, well,
lookie here.
An employee change
of address request.
Well, this must be a mistake,
'cause Lisa put down
666, Pig Lane.
Isn't that your address?
One week and going strong, Mimi.
Jealous?
Oh, ho, ho!
Shackin' up?
With you?
[coughing]
Good God, I almost swallowed
my tongue on that one.
Well, that would be bad.
Then how would you
feed from the high trees?
By any chance,
does your mom know?
What, that I'm living with Lisa?
I'm an adult. I don't
have to ask my mom.
She doesn't know! She doesn't
know! I'm gonna call.
Put the lipstick down,
Priscilla.
Put the phone down,
or I get pretty.
No, not my
Circus Pink.
Do I have a cold sore,
right here, is that--
[shouts]
Hey, Drew.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your
drive to work?
Great.
So, what's new?
Nothin' much.
Oh, wait, uh,
last night..
Oh, you
were there.
Well, then there
was this morning..
Oh, you did it actually.
So..
So..
Well, uh..
Oh, by the way
they fixed
the Xerox machine.
Uh, they needed
some toner--
Whoa! Oh, honey.
Save a little
somethin' for dinner.
Oh.
- Lisa.
- Hey, Jay.
Hey, ready
for lunch, Drew?
Yeah. Hey, uh, you sounded
kind of upset on the phone.
Everything okay?
Yeah, I need your advice.
I got a shot at
a business opportunity
but I'm not sure whether
to go for it or not.
Well, you came to
the right cubicle, pal.
I can't tell you how many
captains of industries
sat in that very chair and
I'll tell you what I told them.
"Third door on the left,
jiggle the handle."
My brother wants me to invest
with him in a Dairy Queen.
Wow! A Dairy Queen.
Yeah, the only problem is
it's in Farmington, Minnesota.
Yeah, so let me
get this straight.
You can get up at like 4 a.m.
and make yourself
a peanut buster parfait,
or no wait!
A dilly bar, no wait!
Oh, wait my head is spinning!
What're you waiting for, man?
Go do it!
Drew, I have to move
to run the place.
Move? Well, forget 4 a.m.,
you could live there.
- Right underneath the nozzle.
- 'Yeah, okay, okay.'
Now, if I move..
what happens to me and Kate?
Oh, no. I guess
you have to break up.
Or she comes with me.
No, she's my best friend,
you break up.
That's very adult,
Drew, but, um..
This is a
difficult situation.
Well, whatever you do,
don't hurt her
or I'm gonna do to you
what I did in third grade
when you played
Keep Away with my pants.
And what's that? Hit yourself
and run away cryin'?
Yeah, let me tell
you somethin', pal.
I cry a lot louder now.
[upbeat music]
You woke me up
eatin' in bed last night.
It wasn't me,
that was your cat.
Oh, that's funny, I don't..
I don't remember
my cat ever saying,
"Mm-mm, I loves me chips."
Hey, that was
a private conversation
between a man and his chips.
Okay, okay.
We'll talk about
your diet later.
Who's hungry?
Who's hungry?
[barking]
I can't hear you!
[barking continues]
Listen, honey, I'm gonna
go to the Warsaw and get
a couple of beers with the guys.
But we've got
a brewery in the garage.
Oh, yeah, but I feel
like havin' a light beer.
Okay. I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too.
- I'll be here.
- I know you will.
Who's gonna miss Drew?
Who's gonna miss Drew?
[barking stops]
[upbeat music]
Tim, give me a beer.
Man, what a night.
Tim, you don't know what it's
like in my house these days.
Thank God you can
still come here
to get away from your problems.
[screams]
What're you
doin' here?
Besides makin'
that stool suffer?
I'm makin' yours jealous.
Just keep
your hands off.
I'm here
with a band.
Hey, Stosh!
If sex had a face,
that would be it.
If nausea had a stomach,
it would be mine.
So, I guess it's not goin'
real well with Lisa
or you wouldn't be
hangin' out alone in a bar.
Look, I just came in
to have a beer or two
and then I'm
gonna go home.
She's the one that
should be tippin' it for you
beforebattlin'
the Great White.
So, uh, Mimi, uh, did you
ever live with anybody?
I've had a toothbrush
or two in my bathroom.
Well, if you
don't mind me askin'
um, how come it didn't work out?
I wasn't ready
to be tied down.
Shut up!
No, I mean, if you found
the right person it would..
It would have to
work out, wouldn't it?
I can tell you're troubled.
Here's what you do.
You get off your bar stool,
you get in your car
and you drive until you
find someone who cares!
'Uh-oh! The poker
sluts are circlin'.'
Hey! Go peddle your produce
to somewhere else, honey.
Hey, Drew,
have you seen, Jay?
He called up all nervous and
wanted me to meet him here.
He said, he's made the biggest
decision of his life.
I think it's obvious
what it's about.
Traditional burial or frozen.
I think he's gonna
ask you to marry him.
Yeah, like that'll matter
in a thousand years.
Oh.
Why would he be thinking
about marriage now?
Uh, I think I know.
I had lunch
with him today
and he's got this great
business opportunity
to move to Minnesota.
Hmm, I hear
wedding bells.
Oh, I love to hear
those two special words.
Open bar.
Wh-what am I gonna do?
I-I never expected this.
I mean, I..
I can't say yes.
We haven't even been
dating a year yet.
I hope he takes it okay.
Here comes, Wile E Coyote,
waitin' for the anvil.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Come on, let's
all go the bathroom.
Okay.
Uh, Kate, listen,
there's somethin' I need
to talk to you about.
Okay.
Um..
Oh, Jay, don't.
What? I'm
tying my shoe.
Oh! Go ahead.
Look, um, normally
I don't move this fast.
But something's come up
and I don't think I should
wait any longer to do this.
Oh, Jay.
I co-signed a loan
for my brother
and I'm moving to Minnesota
to run a Dairy Queen.
You know, this is all very
romantic and everything
butI can't let you
go on with this proposal.
Proposal?
Um, you're not
proposing to me?
Oh.
Oh, jeez, Kate.
I'm sorry that's
what you were thinking.
Oh.. I feel terrible.
So, you're just asking me
to move to Minnesota with you?
Now I feel worse.
So, what's this all about?
I told you, I'm..
I'm moving to Minnesota.
Uh-huh. So you're dumping me
for a Dairy Queen?
Well, actually it's
one of the new ones
with a drive thru
and a brazier.
But you don't wanna
hear about that.
- Okay, so you're not proposing.
- No.
Uh, and you're-you're
moving to Minnesota.
Yes.
I'm probably never
gonna see you again.
- Probably not.
- Mm-hmm.
Alright, that's it,
I'm breaking up with you.
Kate, you're
just upset.
Ten, nine, eight..
Okay, I don't know
what you're doing.
- But you don't scare me.
- seven, six, five..
- You have anger issues.
- three, two, one.
I'm not scared,
but I'm leavin'.
Kate, hey..
Are you.. I mean, you okay?
Jay's moving to
Minnesota without me.
Kate, if it makes you
feel any better
you can hit me.
That didn't help.
I gotta get
out of here.
Hey, hey, you're not
going anywhere alone, okay?
She didn't have
to hit me so hard.
Love hurts, buddy.
Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna get in shape
and when I do
I'm gonna come back
and kick love's ass.
[cars honking]
Uh, Kate, are you sure
you should be driving?
Yeah, it calms me down.
Move it!
[Lewis whimpering]
Oh, great!
The police!
It's not the police,
that's Lewis in the back cryin'.
Man, one day
you're in love
the next day
he's in Minnesota!
[tires screeching]
What's the point of it all?
The point is to stay
between the painted lines.
Who cares?
Oh, Katie..
Okay, I got the wheel!
Grab her!
You guys, it's
a terrible plan.
She's still got
the accelerator.
I never told my father
I loved him.
Oh, stop it!
Well, let's just go
to Oswald and Lewis' place
and we'll have a couple of beers
and we'll sort this
whole thing out.
Our house? We never
go to our house.
We don't even like
to go to our house.
Wait, I know where we can go.
I know what'll make
little Katie feel better.
[tires screeching]
We're going to Jay's!
Now, would we be actually
stopping at Jay's?
Or is this more of
a drive by type situation?
[upbeat music]
I amsoglad
you guys talked me
out of going to Jay's.
You know, tonight should've
been the worst night of my life.
But thanks to friends like you
and two pounds of
cheap Chinese in my belly
tomorrow morning is gonna be
the worst night of my life.
- I gotta go pee.
- Okay.
I see you guys are
still buying in bulk.
I was dating a Russian girl.
I was trying to impress her.
(Kate)
'Lewis!'
Seat's hangin'
on the wall, Kate.
Hey! We got messages.
How many?
- Twelve. Alright.
- Yeah.
[beep]
(Oswald)
'Hey, Lewis, it's Oswald.'
'Goin' to the Warsaw tonight?'
(Lewis)
'Hey, Oswald, Lewis here.'
'You goin' to the Warsaw?'
(Oswald)
'Lewis. You there? It's Oswald.'
'I'm thinkin' about
the Warsaw tonight.'
(Lewis)
'Hey, it's me Lewis, you there?'
[beep]
(Oswald)
'This is Oswald.'
'Pick up if you're there, man.'
(Lewis)
'Hey, uh, maybe we should do'
'somethin' else tonight.'
'Nah.'
[beep]
We'll get
the rest later.
So, I see you almost finished
your latest masterpiece?
Ah, yeah.
I call it, uh,
"Petticoat Junction."
You see there's
a hotel and, uh..
Well, there's Uncle Joe.
Still a-movin',
sort of slow.
At the junction.
[Kate screams]
There's a dead cockroach
on a toothpick in there!
Yeah, I do that as a warning
to all the other cockroaches.
You know, you guys
have been great
but I-I'm ready
to call it a night.
Come on, Drew, you can drop
me off on your way home.
Oh no, you're not
ready to go home.
Yeah, I am.
No, you ate
all the Chinese.
Remember what my
dad used to say.
"Close the door if
you're gonna do that?"
No, he said..
"Don't make Drew go home if..
"If she's there and her
dogs are there and her cat
who pees on his toilet's there."
She keeps singin', but she never
gets to the damn chorus.
Drew, is there something
you wanna talk about?
Don't make me go home.
Please don't make me go home.
It's the first time that's ever
been said inthisapartment.
Look, Drew, when you
first move in with somebody
there's always a period
of adjustment.
Yeah, sure, I mean,
take Oswald with me, huh?
I mean, I used to come in
at all kinds of weird hours
workin' at Drug Co.
but, you know
when I got home,
there was always a sandwich
waitin' for me.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I never made you a sandwich.
Well, you always made my bed.
That was nice.
Inevermade your bed.
Well, that changes our
whole relationship.
And our locks.
Wendy's.
Burger King.
McDonald's.
What am I, a rookie?
Come on, challenge me!
Drew, it's 3:30
in the morning.
There's not a frier left
gurgling in Cleveland.
Youhaveto go home.
I know a little
after hours grill
where you can get
some French fries
and the cops
will turn their heads.
- Oh, Drew.
- I-I don't wanna go home.
I don't know what to say to her.
You know, it's crazy.
If years ago,
if you'd have told me
I'd end up with a woman like
Lisa, I-I-I wouldn't believe it.
And then, if you'd have told me
I was trying to get out of it
then I'd say, "Well,
I can't really deal with that
until I'm done defending
my Mr. Universe title."
Drew, I know things aren't good
for you at home right now.
The only way that people
can solve their problems
is through open,
healthy communication.
Oh, you can
just pull over here.
Thanks, Drew.
[glass shatters]
(Kate)
'Okay, Jay, now we're'
'officially broken up!'
Go, go, go,
before he wakes up.
[tires screeching]
[upbeat music]
"Dear, Drew..
"I sense you're
having some problems.
"Staying at my friend Laura's.
"Theanimals are with me.
"Please call me in the morning.
Lisa."
She left me.
I'm a-lone ♪
I'm a-lone ♪
Oh the house is mine ♪
No more stupid so-ongs ♪
Except for this one ♪
No more cat seat
on my toilet ♪
Oh I can rub my butt ♪
Up on the cat tree ♪
Oh the house is mine ♪
Uh-uh do the butt tree dance ♪
Uh uh uh uh ♪
Oh you can rub your butt ♪
On the cat tree anytime ♪
Uh-uh uh ♪♪
Well, I see you
got my note.
Note? What note?
Oh, this is from you?
Oh, my God, no.
Drew..
stop it.
Um, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Hey! You should've
seen my dance.
Although, my finale did
not include the cat tree.
So, you weren't happy?
About as happy as you.
That bad?
Oh, my God, honey.
Look, um..
It's 4:00 in
the morning and..
I know you
gave up your place
and we invested
a lot in this, so..
You know, if you wanna give it
another shot, I mean..
We'll go to counselling,
we'll read books.
I already called the cab.
Okay, let me help
you with your bags.
Yeah.
Thanks, Drew.
I've had some fun times
these last couple of weeks.
It's only been a week.
Oh, man.
I'll see you at work.
Hey, uh, one more thing.
Can I keep Speedy?
Well, sure you can.
Oh.
That was your plan
all along, wasn't it?
Yeah, see most guys are nice to
the crippled dog
to get the girl.
- 'Mm-hmm.'
- Me on the other hand..
Yeah.
[upbeat music]
[glass shatters]
(Kate)
'Hey, Steve,
that's for dumping me'
'right before the prom.'
Go, go, go, go!
[tires screeching]
[glass shatters]
'Hey, Susie, that's'
'for telling people I stuffed.'
Move it!
[tires screeching]
[glass shatters]
'That's for the C-minus,
Sister Beatrice.'
Go, go, go.
[glass shatters]
Hey, you! You..
Who're we up to?
Uh, Peck Clemens, seventh grade.
Oh, yeah.
'That's for giving me mono!'
Go, go, move it.
[upbeat music]
[chuckles]