The Exes (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Ho ho, yeah! Mm.
- Cheese.
- Don't-- Charming.
Is that the "no carbs, no manners" diet? What? I'm going out.
I'm in a rush.
- You got a date? - No.
I'm just going down to the bar with a couple friends.
Friends? What friends? Just some guys.
- Guys? - Mm-hmm.
Uh, what guys? All right, look, Stuart.
I'd ask you to come, but me and these guys go way back, and I haven't seen them in a long time, so you might feel a little out of place.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
Just been cooped up in here all day, sometimes it's nice to get out.
Remember that little talk we had about being wife-y? You're right.
Sorry, go ahead.
Have a good time.
All right.
Just call if you're gonna be late.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Check out my new Louboutins.
- Pretty nice, huh? - Yeah.
You should have seen that chirpy little sales bitch.
"I'm sorry, I don't think we have them in your size.
" Guess who was wrong? Her? Yeah, damn straight.
I'm an idiot.
A complete idiot.
Is he waiting for us to disagree, or-- There's this hottie down at the ups store that I've been having this flirty little thing with.
I've wanted to ask her out, but I kept putting it off.
Today I found out that she's-- just started dating the guy who delivers the bubble wrap.
Cocky bastard.
Well, why didn't you ask her out? Oh, I was afraid she'd say yes.
Oh.
I mean, since my divorce I haven't exactly been a dating machine.
I'm afraid I don't know how to do it anymore.
You know, what to say, what to do.
Oh, don't worry about it, buddy.
It'll all come back to you.
Dating's just like riding a bike, if a bike had breasts.
A bike with breasts.
That's all you've got? - I'd ride one.
- Phil.
How can you walk out on your friend? He just lost out to the bubble wrap guy.
The bubble wrap guy! Look, dude, you only need a little dating practice to get your confidence back.
How am I gonna practice without an actual woman to go on a date with? Yeah.
If only you knew a woman.
You know? A friend.
Someone who could help you out by, I don't know, going out on a practice date.
Oh, gee, I gotta run.
Hohoho, no, Holly.
How can you hobble out on a buddy like that? Look at him.
He looks like a middle-aged orphan on adoption day.
Oh, all right.
I'll go on a date with you.
Great! I'll order a pizza, and we can watch cage fighting.
No.
If we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it right.
Motel? Of course, that would be crazy.
Unless you don't think so.
This evening, you will be taking me to that lovely Italian restaurant around the corner, where I will teach you the finer points of how to date a lady.
- Uh, just one-- - You're paying! We lost our homes we lost our wives three strangers, what we gonna do? our divorce lawyer said she'd put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken where we turn when we finally learn Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Well, look who finally showed up.
I'm sorry, I was at home waiting for something.
- What? - You to pick me up! It's a date.
Oh, my God, Haskell, are you eating already? I was starving.
Because you were late.
Because you didn't pick me up! Okay, uh, we're caught in a vicious cycle here.
Let's-- let's start over.
Clean slate.
Fine.
My chair? There ya go.
That was wrong, okay.
All right, I-I-I knew that.
I knew that.
Here you go, here you go.
Okay.
Here you go.
Okay, all right.
All right, all right.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Thank you.
- In addition to our regular menu, you'll notice we also have some specials.
free range chicken? How much for one stuffed in a crate with 20 of his buddies? Excuse me, could you give me and his lordship a moment? Oh, Hask.
You've got to be kidding me.
You didn't pick me up.
You ate before I got here.
You're dressed like it's buffet night at the track.
It's like you've never gone on a date before.
How did you even romance your ex-wife? I never had to.
Women have always chased me.
That's how it is when you're a professional athlete.
You were a professional athlete? In a sport? That involves movement? Yes.
- I was a bowler.
- Oh.
P.
B.
A.
eastern region champion three years running.
Are you serious? Toured all the hot spots in the country.
Scranton, Albany, paramus.
The golden triangle.
That's how I met Margo.
Tight leopard pants and cleavage you could keep your scorecard in.
Mm.
The second we locked eyes, she was mine.
You're an intriguing guy, Haskell.
This is the kind of stuff you should be talking about on a date.
All right, so tell me something else about you.
I have 11 toes.
Don't get me wrong, man, I love where music is going nowadays, but I'm just not down with this autotune.
Anything that can make my Nana sound like Lil Wayne just ain't right.
She does kind of look like him, Those are dentures.
And don't go there with my Nana.
Oh.
Looks like I found the fun table, huh? Hey, Stuart, what are you doing here? Oh, I just came down for a drink and a little bonhomie.
Bonhomie? Oh--oh, okay.
Okay, all right.
- Stuart, sit down.
- Okay.
Chris, Walter, this is my roommate, Stuart.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, aha! Not to criticize, but, uh, I think one of you guys got that wrong.
Anyway, don't let me interrupt what you guys were talking about.
Okay.
We were talking about music.
We were talking about Coachella.
We were talking about the Tupac hologram.
We were talking about Kanye.
Yeah.
Anybody hear the new Kenny G album? - No, can't say that I have.
- Eh, me neither.
Well, do yourself a favor, check it out.
Dude lays down some very funky grooves, you know? Yeah.
Do you guys remember that time we snuck into the Run-DMC concert at the Garden? - Oh! - Oh, right, right, right.
- Right! - Yeah, you two got in, and I got stuck hanging with that big girl.
Oh.
You married her.
- Yeah, I did, I did.
- Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I'll tell you, I will never forget my first Kenny G concert.
Yup, I came for the hair, stayed for the music.
Oh, Haskell.
You know, I had a great time tonight.
You are more than ready to start dating.
Thanks.
I just hope I find somebody who's as easy to talk to as you.
- I'm sure you will.
- Well-- Good night.
So what's new with you? Last night, I went out on a practice date with Haskell.
Oh, it's so sweet he's helping you practice.
He wasn't helping me-- I was helping him! He's been feeling insecure about dating, so I helped him out.
But, uh, at the end of the night, he kissed me.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Cheek or lips? Well, I went for the cheek, but he went for the lips.
Dry or wet? Open or closed? Peck or linger? Are you done? Tongue or no tongue? All I know is, friends don't kiss friends on the lips.
I don't know what happened.
I was just trying to do the guy a favor, and now he's into me.
Oh, how can you be so sure? Trust me, hon.
I saw the look in his eyes.
Okay, yeah, but you haven't seen that look in a long, long-- He's into me.
Okay, he's into you.
What's wrong with that? I mean, consider your other options.
- What options? - Exactly, you have none.
I know Haskell is a great guy and a wonderful friend, but that's all he is.
I got to nip this thing in the bud.
Why did I have to be so charming and delightful? Damn sex appeal! Sex-- Oh, you were serious.
Absolutely, next Sunday, yes.
Oh, you know I'm gonna be there.
Ha.
Was that Chris or Walter? Where are we going? That was my Nana.
I'm taking her to church next Sunday.
You want in on that too? Phil, I'm getting a strange vibe here.
Good, 'cause I'm sending one.
Stuart, you crashed my night with my friends.
Crashed? You invited me to sit down.
Because you were hovering.
And then once you sat down, you took over the whole evening.
Were we at the same table? I was happening.
I got eight fist bumps, and a shoulder punch, not to mention an encouraging text from you.
Encouraging? It said, "Go, Stuart.
" Oh.
Well, yeah, but-- I thought you meant like, "Go, Stuart, go, Stuart, - go, Stuart, go, Stuart.
" - Stop that.
Stop that.
You know what? I'm starting to think that you didn't invite me because you were afraid I was gonna embarrass you.
And guess what.
You did.
You know what, Phil? The only one with a problem here is you because Chris and Walter were feeling me.
They were being polite.
That's not exactly the same as feeling you.
Man, you just don't wanna give me my props.
You know, you can't admit that I'm cool enough to hang with your friends.
Well, guess what.
I'm not some clueless white guy from the suburbs.
So I think somebody needs to stop tripping.
- Oh.
- There's my girl.
Hey.
Haskell, um-- I've been thinking about last night.
Me too.
I was hoping we could go out again tomorrow.
Oh, God.
We should talk about that.
Sure, sit down.
I'm watching monsters of the ocean.
This one's about a shark that's going through otters like after-dinner mints.
Haskell, listen, I-- you're a great guy, but I-- Are you still breaking in those shoes? You know, maybe they're not-- They're the right size! Here.
Put it here, let me rub your feet.
No, that's all right.
Come on, I've got bowler's hands.
These babies could work the knots out of a tree.
Park 'em.
All right.
Anyway, I wanted to-- Oh, that's nice.
Look, they just spotted a great white.
They're dropping chum in the water to lure it out.
- That's good.
- Yeah, it works every time.
Big scary monster as dumb as a stump.
Okay, Haskell.
About dinner-- Oh, oh, whoa, whoa.
Get him in the net! - Oh.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah, it's cool, isn't it? Oh, yes! God, yes! Don't fight it.
Don't fight it.
Haskell, about dinner tomorrow night-- - So you want to go? - Yes! - Yeah, yeah, you're sure? - Yes! - 8:00? - Yes! Yes! Oh, God! Yes! Okay, 8:00 it is.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
So how did it go with Haskell? Oh, just fine.
There's nothing more to be said.
That's it? "Fine"? Come on, spill.
Did you let him down easy? - I started to.
- Didn't you finish? Oh, I finished.
I'm confused.
You're not the only one.
Look, I started to tell him what's what, but then things took an unexpected turn, hmm-mm.
What kind of unexpected turn? Okay, well, my feet were hurting, so he offered to give them a massage.
And? And he found a spot I didn't know existed.
What are you saying? I'm saying he gave me a foot-gasm.
Oh, my gosh.
You had sex with Haskell.
I did not.
My feet did.
Ankles up, I was just along for the ride.
Okay, okay, so what are you gonna do about him? What I set out to do before-- Your feet got their freak on? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna tell him that we're friends, that we're neighbors, and I don't want to jeopardize any of it.
Ah.
The "we're just buddies" blow-off speech.
Exactly.
Great.
Well, now that that is settled, where's the spot? Show me.
I'm not gonna show you.
Besides, I couldn't if I wanted to.
I was up all night trying to find it myself.
What's up? What are you guys doing here? - Yeah, just watching the game.
- Uh-huh.
Who's winning? Yanks up three in the fifth.
Cool, that's cool.
Uh, excuse me.
Can I get three beers for me and my boys? See, this is great.
We don't need Phil to hang.
Phil who? Yeah, exactly.
Eh, you guys are cool with me.
You guys feel me, right? You keep the beers coming, and it's all good.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
See, I knew it.
I knew it! Phil got all up in my grill last night, saying I don't belong, I don't know how to hang and whatnot.
Hey, Stuart, what's going on? What's going on is that the three of us are having fun.
Looks like somebody was wrong about Chris and Walter not being down with Stuart.
- Hey, Stuart.
- Hey, what's up? Yeah, Stuart, what's up? Oh, my.
I thought that-- I mean, I looked at-- and they-- Oh, my God, I'm a clueless honky! Ah.
Ah.
Hask, don't you look nice? And to think, my family was gonna bury my uncle in it.
Shall we? No, no, uh--no.
Come on in for a second.
We--we need to talk.
Have a seat.
Are your feet still killing you? No.
Listen, about the other night-- Look, I can hear your dogs barking.
Put 'em up.
I really can't.
Why, didn't it help the other night? Kind of.
What's the problem? Look, I just wanted to-- Oh, mommy like.
Oh.
You know, I was thinking, on our last date all we did was talk about me.
Tonight I'd like to learn a little bit more about you.
Sweetie, shh shh shh.
Yeah, that's the spot.
Yeah, work the pinky.
Work that pinky right in there.
- Ahh.
- Okay, but-- for the record, you're being kind of pushy.
I am not.
Stronger! Harder! Come on, get the spot.
- You're not hitting the spot.
- What spot? The spot from the other night.
What are you talking about? Come on, do what you did.
Do it! What? What did I do? You gave me a foot-gasm.
What? Oh.
So that's what this is all about.
I thought we were on a date, but it turns out I'm nothing but your dirty little foot whore.
No, Haskell, you're so much more than that.
Look, you-- you mean a lot to me.
A lot.
Oh, boy.
Um, Holly, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lead you on.
But, we're friends, neighbors.
I wouldn't want to jeopardize-- You-- you're blowing me off? Wait, no, I was gonna blow you off.
Sure you were.
No, no, no.
I really mean it.
Come on, you're into me.
I mean, what about the kiss? It was just a friendly peck.
Trust me, when you've been kissed by Haskell Lutz, you'll know it.
Wh-then why'd you ask me out again? Well, gratitude.
You took the time to help me feel better about myself, I wanted to find some special way to say thank you.
And apparently I did.
But if you got the wrong idea, I'm very sorry.
Listen to me.
I was gonna dump you like yesterday's trash.
Ask Eden.
No need.
That's the story we'll go with.
You're gonna be fine, kid.
- Stuart.
- Oh, my God.
Phil, I'm so sorry.
I-I've never felt so-- - Caucasian? Embarrassed.
- And Caucasian.
- Hmm.
Listen, I've got to make this right.
I am gonna donate $1,000 to the united negro college fund.
Thanks, but I hardly think this will undo the damage.
Oh, I know.
Again, I'm really sorry.
I-I guess I just am some clueless white guy from the suburbs.
Did I miss something? Stuart, you're just so easy, man.
Chris and Walter thought it was hilarious.
So did the guys you picked up.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, I mean, I guess it was kind of funny.
Yeah! And they did kind of look alike.
See, now you crossed the line again.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Don't push so hard, man.
Relax.
You're gonna make friends.
I know, I push.
I-I push, I'm pushy, you know? When I was married, I had a lot of couple friends.
Then I got divorced and lost them all, so-- Well, it's not all on you.
I guess I was afraid to include you because I thought you'd make me look uncool, you know, dork by association.
Ah.
But in your own Stuart way, you are cool.
Really? Yeah.
And now you got five black friends.
Hey, let's head back down to the bar.
The guys wanna mix themselves up and see if you can name them.