The Fast Show s02e03 Episode Script

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Right, Day 5, Paintball.
We're here for fun and camaraderie.
The people you meet in the Paint Zone are the best.
We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.
Gotten (!) – Now, although Paintball is not real war – Buddies (!) Although balling is not REAL war I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies (!) Ahhh! Although Paintball is not real war, it is important to take it seriously.
You have to have the correct equipment.
We always wear the goggles Ahhh! I'm sorry, Si.
It's my stop coming up next.
Last one before t'depot.
I've rung t'bell but, knowing my luck, the driver won't stop and it'll take me to the end of t'line, so I've decided not to risk it.
I'm going to hop off now while he's going slow.
Good idea, in't it? All right, old fellow? Do you want this bus? Come on.
Oh, bugger! – And the eyes were sort of deep–set, you say? – Yes, and he had short blond hair.
– And steel–rimmed glasses? – Yeah, that's right.
Sodid he look something like this? – It looks nothing like the man who attacked me.
– No, it's Jesus.
He's our saviour, madam.
Our son's going off on a camping expedition and we'd like to get him a tent to surprise him.
– We've heard these – The Belter? – Yes.
– Very popular, and it's in the sale.
– Very spacious.
– Does it have a ground sheet? Sewn into it, yeah.
Very spacious, as you can see.
– Hello! – Small world! Nice to see you again! And the same six numbers came up for us again the following week, so that was another £3 million .
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which was nice.
Crime's got out of control.
What we need round here is a bit of that Islamic justice.
Step out of line, they chop your 'and off.
Wallop! Maim someone for nicking sweets or something? Talk silly, Dave! What they like, eh? Barbaric, innit? Chopping a little kiddie's hand off for nicking a Mars Bar? They only do that to grown men who should know better.
That's how it should be.
We could learn a lot from them.
– Yeah, but I still wouldn't wanna live there.
– No.
Imagine that, eh? Nightmare! They'd bang you up for having a beer in them places! But you can't have crimmos running about willy–nilly, can you? No, it's gotta be the boot camp! – They've already tried that, haven't they? – Short sharp shock? Whose bleedin' bright idea was that? It's so obvious, innit? Re–educate criminals.
Treat a bloke like an animal, he'll behave like one.
You're saying send 'em off on holidays at taxpayers' expense! No, we should hang 'em.
Bring back hanging and you'd see some changes round here! Right, so you hang a bloke, then later you find out he's innocent.
What then? You've spotted the central flaw in the hang–'em–high argument.
No chance of appeal.
– But it's a very powerful deterrent.
– Exactly! – In America they've got the death penalty.
– Exactly! – And the highest murder rate in the world.
– Exactly! Don't work, does it? So, David, what is your solution to the problem of crime in society? Well It's not easy, is it? This pool's quite good.
It's got a very low chlorine level.
You need a good filtration system 'cause of what's in the water.
Lisa and Ian have put the stuff in their pool that, when a child wees in it, the water goes purple.
– It's an idea they developed in Germany.
– Cor! Phew! I love a good swim, don't you? Gets you going.
It's about the best single exercise you can do.
It doesn't put any undue strain on your muscles or your joints.
And it really livens you up, really gets the system going! I'll get my clothes.
Oh, God! – RightI've got the Jenkins report – Good.
I've got the papers from Resources and the fax from Honkers! And I've got a balloon! – What a cheeky face! – What a funny little face! – You're the balloon! – Me, balloon! Balloon, me! Do you know what? I really love my dad.
He's great.
But when I told him I was havin' a baby, he said, "Get out of the house, our Janine!" and called me a load of names – slapper, slut, slag, all beginning with S.
Weird, that, in't it? But, even though he won't acknowledge Chelsie when I'm there, I know, when I go out, he's been looking at her 'cause there's fag ash all over the pram.
I know he'll come round 'cause it's his only grandchild.
Our Mark, he said he won't have any.
Well, not till he comes out of prison.
He's great my dad, but he's so old fashioned, you know.
He still thinks that you shouldn't 'ave a baby till you've left school.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC) #I don't want to be in your world #I don't want to be a part of your world #Mr Wells, you're a twat, you're a bad old twa–a–a–a–at #Mr Wells, you're such a twat # You boring old twa–a–a–a–a–a–a–at #Mr Wells, you fat old boring wanker # The way you click your fingers out of ti–i–i–i–i-me #Mr Wells, your dress sense is appalling # Your cowboy shirt, your stupid pony tail # The way you shake your head #And the look upon your face like a monkey jerking off, Mr We–e–ells #Stick your record company up your arse # You're a shithead, you're a wanker, you're a tosser, you're a twat #And your wife is a sad old ba-a-a-at #Kill yourself, kill yourself # Why don't you kill yourse-e-e-elf? – #Mr Sad – # You're busted, Mr We-e-e-ells # That's the single! We have been to Malta every year and it's never been bettered.
This year we were thinking of Gibraltar.
(SOCIAL CHITCHAT) Well, looks like the weather's turning a bit.
Let's go inside.
It's going to rain shortly.
– Come on.
Clive, Clive.
– There's not a cloud in the sky! – Come on, everyone.
– Inside, everybody! Lovely! Come along! Right, three big tips before we start.
– Shoot it, shovel it, and shut up! – What? Shut up! Right, I've got a standard handgun.
Lindsey has one of those fast–action auto–cocking semi–automatic babies.
We're going for maximum splat! Splatus maximus! And believe me, they work.
This is pro–ball.
– It's gripped! – Sorted! Right, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hotfoot it up there.
– You cover me.
– Right.
It's gripped! (WHISTLE) – Right, let's paint ball! – Good luck, comrade! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?! You said, "Cover me.
" Heh heh! Joke! That's Jokus Maximus Bollockus No.
2.
(MUSIC HALL MUSIC) I've been asked along here by the BBC to talk about Arthur Atkinson again.
I don't know why.
He was never that good.
But they gave me lunch so I felt duty bound.
Now, during the war, Pathé News filmed a selection of radio shows – "Hot And Cold All Over", "You Take The Cake And I'll Have The Biscuits" and "Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?" We're going to see some footage from Arthur's wartime radio show "How Queer".
You couldn't call it that now 'cause you'd get the wrong audience.
I mean a certain type of listener.
Have I said the wrong thing? No offence.
Some of my best friends are pierced.
Oh, dear, that's torn it.
Anywayhere's the clip.
Here he is – the chief of cheerfulness, the PM of Mirth, the man himself, Arthur Atkinson, in "How Queer!" Devised, written by and starring Arthur Atkinson.
– That's me! – With Chester Drawers, Kitty Malone, Fred Halibut and his banjolele and myself Anthony Radford Cooper.
Tonight, we are in St Threadbare's Hospital in Bedpan–By–The–Sea, where Arthur isn't feeling himself.
Yeah, I'm not feelin' anyone else neither! Where's me washboard? Doctor, is it me fiblia or is it me wibblia not connected to me wobblia? – It's your nibblia not connected to your nobblia.
– Oh, my Gawd, of all the things! Will I still be able to play the fool? Take these pills twice a day – three at twelve and two at two.
– What? Three pills two times a day at three? – No, two.
– Two at three or three at two? – Two at two.
– Two at two? – Two at two.
Is there an owl in the house?! I dunno whether I'm coming or going! (COCKNEY) Can I be of any assistance? (ROAR OF LAUGHTER) By the by, you've a visitor.
– Oh, yeah, who is it? – Chester Drawers.
– Send him in.
I could do with a laugh.
– I'll just adjust me bustle (ELASTIC TWANGING) How queer! That's better.
I'll show him in.
This way, Mr Drawers.
Low door, Chester, mind your 'ead! – I warned yer! – Sorry, Arthur.
'Ere, what's that you've brought me, you great lump? A nice pie? – Yes, I've baked it myself to cheer you up.
– Ho, ho, ho, ho, yes! Hah hah hah hah! Yes Heh heh heh! Yes, well, it certainly cheered me up! For the listeners at home, Arthur's pushed the pie into Chester's face.
Shut your mush, you windbag! Everyone knows I pushed it in his face.
That's what I always do! – I'll just go and wash.
– Mind your 'ead! Sorry.
While Chesterwashes himself, let's have some music from Mr Fred Halibut and his banjolele.
You were bloody hopeless! The way you took that pie was a disgrace! – Pull your socks up or you'll be off this show! – Sorry, my wife's in hospital having a baby.
Congratulations.
Is it mine? This week, I are been mostly eatin' taramasalata.
Ayawait! Whad–happens? Talk a man dis time atta book a pan dis spread wid! – 'Member last time Dono waz in a dance class? – Sai rado! Ninja, man! Eh, wassap? Hey, they famous! Sure as me reach da side of da dancing! Fit! Ready forflex–style! Ready forflex, ya know! Deal wid it! I'm on block–on, block–on, me tellya! Sibile, sibile! Still, he can't deal wid it anyway, so me turn roun' and, when me turn back, I gotta bread wid me politi, my man, deal wid it, starrrr! Yard starrr! Me just look, "All right, den!" Rock stone! Heh heh heh! Rock stone! (WEST COUNTRY ACCENT) No, no! I can't keep wi' this! I don't know what the bloody 'ell you're on about! It's bloody crap! Cairo(HIGH–PITCHED SQUEAL) Brrrrr! (RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) Very unstable politically.
Pandemonium! But luckily(RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) .
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a poisonous monkey.
(RAMBLES ON) Very small chaps, but immensely strong.
(RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY).
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Hah! It was a completely wasted journey! (RAMBLES ON INDECIPHERABLY) .
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he suddenly went, "Snake, snake!" Ahhh! Brrr! Gin! (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Lifted the fellow up.
We didn't know what to do.
I mean I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did.
(RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Back in Londonfour of ussome time later.
II freely admit that I was veryvery drunk.
(AMERICAN) Once in every lifetime, a movie comes along which breaks your heart a hundred different ways.
Winner of 17 Academy Awards, including best picture and best portrayal of a disabled person by a fit and healthy actor who wants to win an Oscar.
– I lurve you, Mom.
– I lurve you, son.
– I lurve you, Mom.
– I lurve you, son.
– I lurve you, Mom.
– I lurve you, son.
– I lurve you, Mom.
– I lurve Todd Hands is the "Cute Disabled Man".
I lurve you, Mom! I'm gonna build that ship.
I lurve you! I said, I'm gonna build that ship.
– I lurve you! – I said I lurve you, too, cute disabled man.
I lurve you, too, black person.
I lurve you .
.
America.
("STAR–SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS) I lurve you! "The Cute Disabled Man" from Touchie–Feelie Pictures.
(PROGRAMME THEME MUSIC) Bono estente et weekend metrologicus.
A Valley Portos – scorchio.
Menya conyaterra interior – scorchio.
Menya conyaterra exterior – scorchio.
San Paledros – scorchio.
Monto Blanco – scorchio.
Andropos Mykros .
.
Adzedzey– scorchio.
We took 70 millilitres of ordinary tap water and placed it inside this beaker.
We then took 70 millilitres of rainwater collected from the laboratory roof and placed it inside THIS beaker.
Don't ask me why, we just did.
And do I love you? Yes, I do! River Ah, Ted, I see you've got the barbed wire.
I think that should be everything.
Er, how about a bite to eat before we head for home? Ermaybe a sandwich over there, sir.
No, no, I don't think so.
I think there's rather a nice place down this way.
Yes.
Come on, Ted.
Yes, well, it's lovely, isn't it, Ted? – I don't normally come to this kind of place, sir.
– No? Well, er, no Ah, Champignons Farce.
You haven't lived until you've had Champignons Farce, Ted.
– No, sir.
– I shall certainly be having them.
– What about you? – I'll have that, too, sir.
No, you must have whatever you like, Ted.
The Oeufs Cocotte Rozelle are supposed to be particularly good here, for instance.
– Right, I'll have that, then, sir.
– Have whatever you want, Ted.
Anything.
UmAssiette du Pecheur, for example.
You like fish.
Umit's a It's a selection of seafood poached in a court bouillon with – Right, I'll have that, then, sir.
– Yes, very well.
It's a good choice, Ted.
Ah, the wine.
I don't think so.
Got a lot to do this afternoon.
There's the drainage in the lower field.
– One of the stable doors needs fixing.
– Yes, the stable doors, yes.
Well, er, just one glass, then.
– I–I don't think so, sir.
– Oh, go on.
– No, thank you, sir.
– One glass and the devil with the stable doors.
– Are you ready to order? – Yes, I think so.
UmTed? Er Right, I'll have the Ass The Assi The – The Assiette du Pecheur? – HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS! – A lot to talk about in that first half, Ron.
– Ho–ho, yes, half–time.
45 minutes! Phuff! Yeah, three–quarters of an hour, isn't it, mm? Half of 90 minutes! Phuff! Oh, you know.
– Yes, isn't it? – I dunno.
Is it? I mean, who could say? But half–time, you know.
Tired faces, muddy boots, sweaty shirts and steamy windows! But, you know, half–time.
Oranges – they're not the only fruit.
Apples – there's another one.
Cox's orange pippins.
Oh, easy to see where the confusion could arise, isn't it? Do you see what I'm saying? What I'm saying is you've got to keep your eyes on the ball, nose to the grindstone, finger on the pulse, hands on the wheel, foot on the accelerator, mirror, signal, manoeuvre and pull out.
Les Ferdinand.
Since he's been at Newcastle, he's become the finished article.
– There are no flies on him.
– Be afraid! Be very afraid! ''The Fly''.
Half–man, half–fly! Huge eyes! Have you got eyes in the back of your head? Yes, because I'm a fly! Yes, now, Tommy, apart from Les Ferdinand, Newcastle strangely subdued.
Well, terrible lack of inspiration in midfield.
They looked like wee kids having a knock–around in the park.
– The park.
Small boys in it.
– Bollocks! Last goalie, jumpers for goal posts, mm, you know.
"What's the score?" 17 – 12! Magical, isn't it? Long golden afternoons, excited cries.
Suddenly, "Ouch!" Ball hits you in the face! Stings! Ooh, doesn't it? Trying to pretend it doesn't hurt, but secretly longing for warm bosom of mother.
Where does it go – that childlike wonder? Simple enjoyment of the world.
A flowera tiny flower.
– Is that it? – Yes! Once again, we are drawn to the work of Samuel Palmer, who, at any given time in the late 1800s, was the leading authority on venereal disease.
His first passion, however, was architecture, and he designed many glorious buildings, scores of which, sadly, were destroyed on the orders of Robert Crabbe, who conducted a vendetta against Palmer after he looked at his wife in a funny way down the pub.
Crabbe pursued this vendetta right up until his death from hypocrisy in 1891.
This huge building was designed principally as a library by Palmer, but used as a storeroom for his huge collection of tissues, which he would discard as he moved between marriageslike a cat.
Palmer was nothing if not energetic.
In the 54 years he was on the earth, he sired over 1,000 children, many of whom are still alive today.
And as we look at this building, at the windows and the doorways, we may still see Palmer's children fighting for attention.
Look, here is Lawrence with his hoop and here is young Peter saying, "Look, Father, I have drawn a castle.
Am I not clever?" In later years, Palmer regretted the misuse of his penis.
He'd lie for hours in the bedroom, eating eggy fingers and making a mess of his waistcoat.
Tragically, we have just learnt that the house may have fallen into the hands of Jimmy Nail.
Right, we're going for the flag on this one.
Lindsey, no more pissing about.
– No.
I'm sorry.
– I'm gonna sneak up back round the gully.
And youcover me.
Sorry, it was a bad joke.
– Let's paint ball! – It's gripped! Sorted! (WHISPERS) Gotta do it, Baz! Sorry, I couldn't resist it! – .
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evening.
Very good, very good.
– It's been too long! – Yes, yes.
Goodbye.
Take care.
– God bless.
You must give me the recipe for that lovelymarinade.
– I'll send it to you.
– Oh, hello! Sorry, how rude of me.
Didn't see you there.
The barbecue was lovely, absolutely lovely! Ooh, lovely! We're now able to go over to our correspondent, who is standing yards away from the shelling.
Hello.
Can you hear me? Exactly what is the current situation? Yes, London, I can just about hear you.
You're coming through now.
– (GUNFIRE) – Does my bum look big in this? Is this colour of bullet–proof vest a mistake? Does the camouflage makes me look fat? The uniform – does it need earrings? Does my bum look big in this? Aren't wars fantastic? Your country invades another country, kills half of 'em.
The other half, whoever's left, you order about, tell 'em to do exactly what you want.
Brilliant! You could say, "Make us a cup of tea NOW!" and they'd have to do it.
Brilliant! But, you know, thinking about it I mean, really thinking about it 'ard, till it 'urts, we beat Germany in the last war and they don't do owt that we want, WE do what THEY want.
My dad reckons we shouldn't have fought the Germans and that That Adolf Hitler – he had some good ideas! – He also thinks that – Crinkle–cut chips are a Chinese invention! So I don't know if he knows what he's talking about.
Aren't helicopters brilliant? They've enabled mankind to hover for the first time in history.
Fantastic! We've got a clear run through to their flag.
Ready? – Yup.
– Wait a minute.
– You didn't see any of them? – No.
– Good.
I thought we might be in trouble.
– No, we're safe.
Right, let's go! – It's gripped! – Sorted! Let's paint ball! (THEME FROM "PLATOON") (GUNFIRE) (MAN) Wanker! (RAPID GUNFIRE) I lurve you!