The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

1 So this footballer, he's a very, very embarrassed.
He say, "So so so sorry, Fabio, "I make a mistake when I send you this picture text to you.
"It was meant to go to a nice lady I met in a nightclub.
" I open the picture text.
And I look at it.
It is a picture of him.
But, ernot all of him.
Just a pan of him.
I think maybe she a doctor.
What would I do if I wasn't famous? I would sit in front of my computer looking at filthall day.
I'd marry a footballer.
Oh, I'd just fall back on my skills as, er Um, oh Do you remember Grange Hill? Do you? Do you? With Tucker Jenkins and Zammo! They used to cover some serious issues for kids.
They did! They did! Like bullying and drugs and being ginger! SLURPS COFFEE As a kid, my hair was so bright I could focus it with my glasses and burn ants.
I could! I could! What about Tucker Jenkins? Ended up on EastEnders and then The Bill What's going on? He was funny! Like a newborn giraffe on roller-skates.
You didn't give him some coffee, did you? Just a cappuccino Noooo! It was only a medium one.
Can you read?! I only left you alone for a couple of minutes! Do you realise what you've done?! Have you any idea what you've done?! Why would you do that? HE CONTINUES GIBBERING, PEOPLE SCREAM 'Of course I'm right, of course I'm right.
Ant and Dec, call that entertainment? CAR HORN BLARES Chris Evans and Gabby, without Gabby, that's entertainment.
The government are asking the public to stay calm.
Turn off your radios, throw them out of a window or hit them with a baseball bat.
I'm going to use the tranquilizer gun.
He's still rattling on.
HE CONTINUES NORMAL PACE But enough from me.
It's time for a tune.
This is Kajagoogoo with Too Shy.
Hush hush, eye to eye Feeling ever so slightly sluggish.
Any chance of a coffee? Nice guy.
Jerusalem - the medieval centre of the world.
Lovely.
Join us next time when Joanna visits the splendour of the Nile valley.
Keep up with me! Keep up! Today we're going surprise a celebrity and try to convince them to bring back Bad Times.
Why didn't we just park outside his house? Right, we're going to see if he's in! OK.
Hi.
Pizza delivery! I never ordered a flamin' Justin! You're delivering pizzas now?! No, no, Alan.
I am here, I love you like a brother, here to convince you to bring back the Friday Night Project.
Eh? Bring back the Friday Night Project! I've already got all the other presenters to agree to do it.
What do you mean other presenters? There's only you! Come on, go with it.
It'd be great.
I could dress up in women's clothing and everything.
A bearded man in a dress.
What could be funnier?! Good Times! Not today, thank you.
Please.
Yes? Channel Five is like the fifth circle of hell.
Please.
Save me, brother.
Let me think about it.
No! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, you lovely people, it's about time we had a guest on, so shall I give you one? And what about a guest? YES! Well, I've got two guests for you so get ready to admire their big entrances.
Don't! You lot, honestly! It's Katie Price and Alex Reid! Welcome! Welcome.
Great to be here.
Yeah.
Great to gee here.
Well, it's lovely to have you now.
Now, Alex, what first attracted you to the lovely Katie? Yeah, Alex, what first attracted you to me? Was it my demure nature? Or my caring personality? Neither.
It was your gig gouncy googs.
Alex! What? It's true! Don't embarrass me! But yeah, you know, they are pretty big.
Lovely.
Now you've both obviously got a great deal in common such as a penchant for ladies clothing.
Yes, Alex you have.
But who wears the trousers in your relationship? Well, you know, I'm not going to lie to you.
He does, obviously.
A lot of people would have you believe that I'm very domineering, but it's not true, is it, Alex? No, it's a gig load of gollocks.
Katie is kind and caring and sensitive and definitely not a slapper.
But that Victoria Geckham is.
Ooh, Alex, that's a little bit harsh.
Sorry about him, he can be so rude.
I'll put him back in the box.
No, I don't want to get gack in the gox! This is Watchdog.
Tonight, we investigate Nigerian banking internet scams.
This report, as expressed towards you, will greatly satisfy you in terms of monetary reward.
In return, viewing therefore, as stated previously is obligatory to follow.
But first, this.
Yes, that's right.
Well, Mrs Hill, isn't young Timmy just a chip off the old block? Timmy? I thought we were going to call him Harry.
Eh? Eh? No, we agreed.
Timmy.
No.
We said Harry! Timmy! Harry!! Timmy.
Harry.
Well, I like the name Timmy but then again I like the name Harry, but which name is the better? There's only one way to find out.
FIIIIGGGHHHHTTTTT! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Love you.
No, I love you.
Love you more.
You hang up.
No, you hang up.
Love you.
Oh, were you talking to your wife, Simon? No, just checking my voicemails.
So, Cheryl, a little birdie tells me that you have got a new man.
You just can't keep a secret round here, can you? No, well apart from Louis's third nipple.
Well, I 'spose there's no point denying it.
Yes, I have been dating.
Alter all the trouble with Ashley I didn't want to rush things with this new bloke.
But I think he might be the one.
Well, Congratulations, Cheryl.
So, who does he play for? FYI, he's a doctor.
And he's nothing like Ashley.
He's kind and thoughtful and he hardly ever texts nude photos of himself to hundreds of glamour models he barely knows.
Men like that are so hard to find.
Yep, my Hannibal is one in a million.
Hannibal? And he's a doctor! Dr Hannibal? Lector? Do you know him?! Not exactly.
Imagine it, me Mrs Dr Hannibal Lector.
Sounds dead posh, don't it? Cheryl, I hate to rain on your parade here.
But I think you should know that Dr Hannibal Lector is in fact a psychopathic cannibal serial killer.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
But after three years with Ashley Cole, that's still a major step up as far as I'm concerned.
I'd probably be a heavy drinking chav living in Cardiff.
Imagine that! If I wasn't famous I'd be a rich man.
No, or what about a poor man? A beggar man? Say "thief", I'll shake your hand right now.
I'd fight crime using a freephone number that you could call in confidence.
The Nile Valley.
It's really lovely.
Join Joanna next time as she takes in the majesty of Nepal.
Claims R Us.
Bono speaking, how can I serve you today? Hi, there's been a flood.
Oh, dear God, nooooo! There's been a flood! Eryes.
Right, where are you? Basingstoke.
Are there any casualties? Well, the lino's coming up, but The lino?! Noooo! Right, are you safe? I've mopped up the worst of it.
But the electric's off, so the freezer's stopped working and the ice cream's melting.
Say no more.
I'm going to arrange for a food drop.
Scramble the Red Cross! Right, what's your name? Claire Taylor.
OK, Claire Taylor.
You're in shock.
Every time I click my finger another fish finger defrosts! I'm going to organize a global fund raising concert.
I'm going to have celebrities manning the phone lines 24 hours a day.
I'm going to get a documentary crew out to you within the hour.
Well, just think some new lino Claire, I've got to stop you.
#There's been a flood in her kitchen #The ice cream's all runny # Her lino is rotting So send in your money #Well, tonight thank God it's them #Whoa, Bodyform! Bodyform for you! And I'm going to send every penny of the royalties to the Claire Taylor Flood Fund.
Thank you for calling.
Your call is very, VERY important to us.
Will I get a new washing machine? Subject to excess and a full assessment, water damage may be covered, but general wear and tear and age of said machine could be an issue.
CALL IS CUT OFF Gets me every time.
The little people.
They need us! Two pieces of chicken, two spicy wings, er Zip it! Lady Gaga would like to know exactly what's in your meal combo.
Well, we do a Family meal King Chicken combo.
You get nuggets, fries, wings, a choice of coleslaw and, er We'll take it.
Which drink would you like? A yellow one.
Which size? What are those? Small.
Mmm, might work.
Is that your fitting room? Cute look.
Kitch.
BUZZING She has an amazing eye for detail.
PNEUMATIC DRILL POUNDS, CHICKEN CLUCKS OMLG! You are looking, hot, milady.
Mmm, Lady Gaga needs a smaller size.
This one's not showing enough mimsy.
For me, every day used to be a bad hair day.
But all that's changed ever since I discovered Pantoonfor Ridiculous Hair.
With its unique blend of natural ingredients.
White Spirit.
And ice cream.
Now my hair's so laughable and distracting, no-one pays any attention to a word I say.
And that's good news for Boris.
Pay attention, here comes the science bit.
White spirit dehydrates and strips all the goodness from your hair.
While the double action of ice cream leaves it sticky and unmanageable, like a candyfloss haystack.
Shiny, healthy-looking My hair's got its Bojo back.
Phwoor! Pantoon! Because I'm worth How much is it again? Put the Bojo back in your hair.
Jennifer, sweetheart.
I want people to know about us.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you in Reading That's negotiable.
I even want to marry you.
But I'm not going changing my name to Ricky Aniston.
Oh! OK, out.
So, what? Do we really think that the audience is going to believe us as a couple? Sorry, what audience? Exactly, there won't be one.
No, I mean, what audience? There isn't one.
This is, real life.
Really? This is an actual restaurant, we are waiting for actual chips.
OK, romantic meal in restaurant not very funny lines Matter of opinion.
.
.
a leading man who's realistically not good looking enough to be with me Charming(!) This is clearly one of my movies.
So, you don't really want to marry me, then? Oh, Ricky, honey Not even in a cartoon.
But we were going to do the dance as our first dance at the wedding and everything.
I know, I know I know.
And, um, look Um, here's the thing.
The wedding is off, but, but, but if it makes you feel better, we can still do the dance.
Just this once.
OK? Come on.
Let's just do the dance.
Cut! OK, seriously, guys, I thought that we agreed there would be no dance.
I thought it was artistically valid.
Hang on, so, um, this IS a real movie? Because HE just said it wasn't.
Yeah.
This is the romantic comedy about the girl who does not know whether she's in a movie or not.
Exactly, and she ends up going off with the director.
Do you actually think that's credible? I'm with her.
At least I'm famous.
I should get the girl.
Cut! Guys.
Stick to the story.
This is the movie about the girl who doesn't know she's in a movie or not she goes off with the director then it turns out that's a movie too.
Sois this bit real or not? Cut! I give up! OK, out.
Nice work everyone.
Take five.
I'm famous? Oh, that make me so happy.
Put that in your cheeky pipe and smoke in it, ohhh! Wear actual clothes.
I'd be the lead singer in a Right Said Fred tribute band.
Not a great match, Stevie and disappointing to be booed by the fans? They've paid a lot of money and, you know, they're entitled to express their views.
Just hope we can put in a better performance next time.
Very reasonable response.
And what do you think of the current state of TV drama? Well, I'd like to see Play for Today brought back.
It was a great proving ground for your Dennis Potters and your Alan Bleasdales and, I think it would be great training ground for some of the young narrative writers coming through.
Thank you, Stevie.
Right, thanks.
'My name is Miss Sophie Dahl, young, pretty, rich, and almost able to make a scrambled egg.
'It was the year of our Lord 1814 and I was summering once again at Whigfield, 'the family home of my Aunt Delia.
' Oh, I do so love looking out of the window.
You'll get square eyes, mark my words.
You would be better employed studying your recipe books! For what man will want you if you cannot cook? Aunt Delia, you are old fashioned! There's more to cooking than knowing how to cook! For example, I have lovely hair.
Careful! You'll get it in my easy-peasy porringer.
Sorry.
What you need, my girl, is an improving companion.
One with basic cookery skills and a nice big bottom.
I shall order you one from London! Come! Fetch me my girl catalogue.
'Within a week, she had arrived.
'Nigella, a girl of good breeding and substantial curvature.
'She made an instant impression on young Jamie, the kitchen oik.
' Happy days! Oi! Oi! Is Jamie trying to marry above his station again? No, he's trying to get his hands on her pans.
You see, my dear.
Cooking is the key to a man's heart.
Hello and welcome to Gary Barlow's North.
Today we're just outside Runcorn at this light industrial estate.
There's all sons of businesses here, mainly wholesalers.
Unfortunately we can't show you the stationery wholesalers because someone burnt it down.
Police are pursuing a number of lines of enquiry, none of which involve site manager Bob Pottle.
Hello, Bob.
Now, was it the architecture that made you want to manage this magnificent site? No, I just don't like people.
This is a job where I can work on me own.
Well, we all like the idea of going solo, don't we.
I mean Robbie jumped the gun so when I wanted to make my move Robbie had somewhat queered my pitch.
But it's not so bad these days.
All water under the bridge with us now.
Although he doesn't have to split the song writing four ways, does he? I've worked this out.
Actually, Mark writes 12% of the material.
Jason and Howard write nothing.
Me, I write 88%.
I mean, that can't be Oh.
I think he's nipped off for a brew.
He's earned it, bless him.
65% of the lead vocals I do as well.
I know Mark sang Coming up - televisions that blow up without warning.
We talk to BANG! I've always wanted to do that.
That's watchdog.
'That afternoon, Nigella helped me boil some water 'and we took tea with the eligible Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall.
' Then you strangle the pig and out it in half with your big kitchen scissors.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! How very entertaining.
What's a kitchen? You could cover the pig with chocolate.
Chocolate! Golly! What a capital idea! 'I took the opportunity to woo the bachelor farmer.
' Boring! Cooking talk! Look at my lovely hair! 'Sure enough, Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall could not keep away, and next day' Ah, Miss Sophie.
My apologies.
I didn't realize you were busy looking out of the window.
No matter.
What brings you here? Actually It is a matter of some delicacy.
It is matter of matrimony.
'He was mine!' Miss Sophie, do you think I should ask Miss Nigella to marry me? Oh, bobbins! And can we have our next contender, please.
And your name is'? Darren Brown.
Occupation? Illusionist and Mind Reader.
And your specialised subject is? Psychic Suggestion and Mind Control.
Very well, Derren Brown, two minutes on Psychic Suggestion and Mind Control.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER SOUNDS And at the end of that round you have scored a record 45 points and no passes.
Is that you, Vernon? Yeah, I'm back, love.
I'm just going to pop up for a shower.
Before you do there's something I've got to Oh! Hello, Roland.
I borrowed your toothbrush.
I hope you don't mind.
It's Vernon! It is so kind of you to let me stay.
What do you mean stay??!! TESS! What does he mean, stay?! Well, here's the showbiz news I was on a three-day golfing holiday extravaganza with Tarby and Lord Ronald of Corbett.
But, little did I know I'd left the gas on, which was a real Brucie blunder, because when the Betamax clicked on to record The One Hundred Greatest Brucie Moments on Dave, Forsyth Towers went kablamo! The whole house blew up! Quicker than you can say "Strictly come dancing, play your cards right, my darling.
" So I said that he can stay here for as long as he needs to.
Yes! It's Brucie's full house! The country's greatest entertainment show hosts, all under one roof.
And Roland.
It's Vernon! DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be my things.
Tess, what have you done? He's invading my personal space.
What if he finds my train set?! I'll be livid if he messes with my settings.
Aw, have a heart, Vernon.
No, we're going to have to tell him there is no room at the inn.
They didn't save much from the fire.
All those treasures, all those memories up in smoke.
I'd just like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, for taking this poor, homeless Saturday night, primetime entertainer, into the bosom of your homestead.
You really are a true friend, Vernon.
He called me Vernon.
Come in, Brucie.
I'll get the Zed bed out for you.
We can have tea and Victoria sponge in front of the Chuckle Brothers.
Oh, that's lovely.
There's a few more of my things at the door.
You wouldn't mind fetching them for me, would you? 'Course I will, Brucie.
Thank you so much.
Oh, no.
Ooh, my word.
Look, a train set! Oh, no.
These settings are all wrong.
Ooops, is that bit supposed to come off? Nooooo! Me Hornby! Mountains.
Lovely.
Join us next time as Joanna explores one of Europe's finest destinations.
"The fisherman's silhouette filled the doorway "and the pungent aroma of his working day filled the room.
"She felt assaulted by the smell of human sweat, sea salt and rotting fish.
" 'Sorry luv,' he said, 'I'll have a shower.
' "Her reply was breathless with barely controlled passion.
'No.
' "she said, 'Don't wash it off.
" 'I want you right now exactly as you are.
' " And that's good advice for most flowering plants as well.
There's always a temptation to clear away any earth or garden detritus that may have become embroiled.
But it's all full of natural nutrients and goodness that can be a boon for even the most colourful of prize flowering gardens.
"Then they went at it like rabbits.
" True story.
So I say to this England footballer, I say just because she look after your kids, does not a mean she your wife.
She, er, your nanny.
She got a important job to do, to look after your little one.
He say he feel the same.
Wow, this is SO exciting.
I love it here! Yeah, it's also quite a serious job.
Serious.
No, right, absolutely.
I can do serious.
It's important we're vigilant and keep look out for people in trouble.
OK.
Will do.
Like him.
It's OK, sir.
I'm coming.
No no no, hang on.
He's fine.
Just doing a rescue.
I'm almost there.
SHE PANTS Brilliant! And when the Princess kissed the frog, he was magically transformed into a handsome prince, and they both lived happily ever after.
So we looked up "Making out with amphibians" on the interne and you will not believe the photos we found at frogsnog.
com.
Oooh, look there's someone kissing Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
Sweet.
HE CHUCKLES Night-night.
Luton Town centre.
It's really quite No, I can't do it.