The Job Lot (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Trish, have you got five minutes to talk about the MP visit? Yes, I have.
What you got for me? Peter McCrea, 49, MP for Birmingham North West.
He's really into young people, so I was thinking maybe we could do some sort of work experience/mentoring day? Yes.
Actual young unemployed people here, in the job centre, filling themselves up on a big reality sandwich.
Oh, MPs love that kind of vibe.
~ Shall I hire a DJ? ~ Maybe.
~ Skate ramp? ~ Probably not.
~ Jedward? ~ Definitely not.
God, we're good together.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Little management tip for you, Natalie.
You see how I'm just perching here, it brings me closer to the level of who I'm talking to.
Lady Di did it with sick kids.
Try it.
Be her.
Be Lady Di? Yeah, it's very powerful.
It's like she's entering you.
Now, head down and then look up, if you know what I mean.
~ Like this? ~ Yep, a little to the side.
Good, very good.
Now sad eyes.
Oh, that is uncanny.
You show me someone who can resist those eyes and I will show you a monster.
Another day, you're gonna make it work Another day, you're gonna make it work Someday, you're gonna make this work Looking forward to your seminar later, George.
Yes, 'Benefit fraud - it's payback time'.
Sounds like a straight-to-DVD thriller.
~ Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast.
~ More like a porno.
George, you're meant to be inspiring these young people.
I'm inspiring them not to become benefit cheats.
I'm gonna explain my methods of detection, then I wanna show them my taser.
~ You've got a taser? ~ Yep.
Delivers north of 50,000 volts.
You've got a taser? They are completely illegal.
No, I mean, I haven't got a taser.
All right, George.
Brought your taser? Why aren't you two in mufti? ~ We didn't think you meant us.
~ I especially meant you.
The whole idea of mufti is so we don't intimidate the young people.
There are teenagers coming.
If we're all in jeans, there'll be a riot.
Not if they're smart jeans.
~ Karl's bought new jeans especially.
~ Hmm? Oh no, I've had these ages.
~ You've left the label on.
~ What? Makes a change us all being in our weekend clothes.
~ It's nice to see who's up with the latest fashions.
~ Morning.
Oh.
Would you look at that.
Snap.
Sorry.
Here we go, Angela, your little 'sign-on sidekick' for the day.
~ When do I get paid? ~ Well, you're not getting paid, we're giving you vouchers as a thank-you.
When do I get my vouchers? ~ Has she got to sit next to me all day? ~ Yes, she has.
Was it two for one on crap blouses? What a lovely sense of humour.
You two are going to get on like a house on fire.
Course I'll need to speak to the MP after.
We'll all speak to the MP cos he's doing a little meet-and-greet.
So Good.
I need to lodge an appeal against a planning application on my road.
No, this is a big day for team Brownall and I'd rather you didn't ruin it just because you don't want your neighbours building an extension.
It's not an extension, it's a hospice.
Right.
So, desk, computer, biscuit drawer.
Do you want a biscuit? Er I don't actually eat sugar.
Look, this is a complete waste of time.
I'm only signing on while I wait to secure finance ~ for the app I'm developing.
~ Oh, yeah, of course.
~ I mean, this place is pretty useless, right? ~ Yeah, I know.
When I first signed on, I put 'animals' on my list of interests.
~ Someone sent me for an interview at an abattoir.
~ Abattoir? No way.
~ And I'm vegetarian.
~ That's ridiculous.
~ I was actually quite offended.
~ I'm not surprised.
That was me, wasn't it? Yeah.
So, I'm Natalie, welcome to my desk.
Who's he? The advisor? That's Karl.
~ You're gonna be working with claimants - ~ Do you think he's fit? He's OK.
Erm hadn't really thought about it.
I think he's beautiful.
You're gonna be signing people on - Sorry, beautiful? That's what you're going with? Yeah, because he is.
Truly beautiful.
Has he got a girlfriend? No.
Do you think he'd go out with me? Tell you what, Ann-Marie, let's see if we can brighten you up a bit.
~ Are you wearing any make-up? ~ Just lip balm.
OK.
Shall we try popping these off? Second thoughts, think just leave them on.
Yep.
You two getting along? Super.
Are these your toys? Sir Jonathan Frog and Deirdre Giraffe are not toys, they're plush collectibles.
Same difference.
Tom, I can't, I'm at work.
Sorry, what? Your clock? What big clock? Ooh! OK, but you need to be quick cos I'm very busy - I'll call you later.
Angela, will you wear this so we're not clashing? ~ No.
~ OK, fine.
Sorry, Trish, Angela says she doesn't want Bryony on her desk.
I've explained to her that everyone has to have a young person with them when the MP arrives.
~ Well, Natalie's right.
~ She's a consistent pest.
She's deputy manager and you'll do as she says.
I think she was talking about Bryony.
You were talking about Bryony, right? It's not in my job description to be inspiring.
Angela, yes, Bryony can be challenging but I think a day working side by side with you could really change her outlook.
All she needs is a chance.
Come on, Angela, what do you say? Don't you dare double-Di me.
She was the queen of hearts.
So start by asking the claimant what he's done to find work in the last two weeks.
What have you done to find work in the last two weeks? Am I allowed to speak to him, Karl? Only I spoke to someone I didn't know once before and I ended up buying a timeshare flat in Fuengirola.
It-It's fine, Graham.
It's not.
It's got no roof and it's infested with ants.
Why don't you tell Michael all about it.
Huh? I'm just gonna, erm ~ Hey, Natalie - ~ Hello! Can we swap partners? I want to be with you.
Yeah What you doing? It's called work.
Don't do that.
Better stop that.
Right now.
~ It's only natural.
~ There's nothing natural about that.
~ They're animals! ~ They're brother and sister.
I bet MPs think the world smells of polish.
How come you never get your duster out when I turn up in the morning? Because you're not important.
Hey, Trish, isn't Peter McCrea the one caught with that ladyboy? For goodness' sake, Paul, do not mention the ladyboy.
Hello, Trish Collingwood, CSOM.
Oh! Mr McCrea, we were just talking about you.
You're where? ~ What is a ladyboy? ~ Come on, Janette.
We've been through this.
~ Janette, the MP's got lost.
~ I think there's an A-Z in the kitchen.
He'll find his way to a brothel, all right.
OK, don't panic.
He says he can't understand anything anyone is saying.
Sounds like Wolverhampton.
Look around you.
Does it feel like the 1990s? There's still a Woolworths? Yeah, that's definitely Wolverhampton.
OK, call us when you're near.
Angela, why are you on the floor? I've had an accident in the workplace and it wasn't my fault.
Come on, Paul, I've got all the weight.
I can't get any purchase on this satin.
Here you are, turn her towards me a bit.
Careful, you're gonna bang her head on the desk.
I can't help it, she's a funny shape.
~ Maybe you should go home, Angela.
~ Good idea, I'll call you a cab.
Oh, thanks for your concern, but I'll stay.
I'm a striver not a skiver.
Anyway, I want to meet the MP.
There's no ice but I found some fish fingers.
They've been in that freezer longer than Walt Disney's head.
Of course, I can't have that girl on my desk, I'm in too much pain to be inspiring.
~ Fine, Bryony can shadow me.
~ It was bad enough with her.
Just go and look in the fridge for something cold.
It's all you in this accident book, Angela.
It's like This Is Your Life.
What do you want me to put this time? That I tripped over a box Trish left out and landed on my coccyx.
Don't worry, I'm not the type to sue.
Although I will need Natalie's chair, it's got better lumbar support.
Angela, if you're really that injured, we should call an ambulance, just to be sure.
~ Fine, call an ambulance.
~ I'm calling one.
~ Am I calling one? ~ Call one.
~ I'm calling one.
~ Do you know the number? ~ Yes, thanks.
This ham sandwich is quite cold.
You're not putting my lunch on Angela's coccyx.
OK, let's have a look.
How does that feel? ~ Agonising.
~ Strange.
I think you should go for an X-ray.
~ You might have slipped a disc.
~ Or you've prolapsed.
Bryony, do you have to stand quite so close to me? ~ You told me to shadow you.
~ That's not what that means.
~ Can you make her go to hospital? ~ Only if she's sectioned.
Can you section her? I'll leave you with some crutches.
You two sisters? ~No! Goodbye.
I'll see you in two weeks.
You're a natural, you should work here.
I'd love that.
I like your hair.
Thanks.
So, Ann-Marie, tell me about you.
What's your dream job? ~ I really want to be a singer.
~ Cool.
~ You should do X-Factor.
~ Oh, no, I'd get embarrassed.
When I get embarrassed, I get 'hot neck', which is when my neck goes all red and blotchy and it looks like I've got a rash.
And I can't sing.
Maybe you shouldn't do X-Factor.
I like your hair.
Thanks, again.
Oh, sorry.
Don't worry, I got it.
I think I left it in too long.
Grab another one.
I always find that digestives are a lot more robust.
And you're always in safe hands with a gingernut.
Ah Sorry.
That was That was an accident.
You kissed my boobs.
I didn't kiss your boobs, I just, sort of, came across them.
Oh, God.
~ I don't mind.
~ Well, that's good, but er ~ Do you want to go out with me? ~ No, no.
God, no.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound so I see what you mean about your neck.
Ann-Marie I thought he liked me.
He offered me biscuits.
Well, maybe he likes you more as a friend? ~ But he kissed my boobs.
~ Sure, sure.
Hang on, he kissed your boobs? ~ You kissed her boobs? ~ It was more of a headbutt.
Oh, that's fine, you headbutted her boobs.
I didn't headbutt both boobs.
Just one boob.
She dropped her soggy biscuit.
OK, Karl, stop talking.
Ann-Marie, you are such a star.
We would really like for you to come back in and meet the MP.
What can Karl do to make that happen? Erm well, he could take me bowling.
~ Great! Karl would love to, wouldn't you, Karl? ~ But - ~ Wouldn't you, Karl? ~ Yes.
~ Brilliant! ~ Great! Why don't you go and clean yourself up and you can borrow my lipstick? OK.
Bye, Karl.
Well, I think you've pulled.
OK, Mr McCrea, slow down.
You can see a castle? He says he's in a castle and there's a sad lion.
That's Dudley.
He's in Dudley Zoo.
We think you're in Dudley Zoo.
Yeah.
Find the exit and you'll be here in no time.
OK.
OK, young people, MP Peter McCrea will be here in 15 minutes.
I see you're finding your way around our system.
~ Feeling inspired, Michael? ~ Loads.
~ Super.
Can you tell your face that? ~ I think the MP will be more interested in the fact you've broken data protection laws.
We can see everyone's confidential information.
No, you can't, we've got password protection.
I hacked your password in under 30 seconds.
OK, young people, change of plan.
You're all going to go through to our learning room for a fun seminar on fraud prevention.
Isn't that exciting? That's it, quick sticks, off you pop.
Smiley faces.
It'll be super-fun.
I need the toilet.
Well, you know where it is.
I'll need help getting on and off.
It's the least you can do after you left that box out.
Bryony, would you like to help Angela go to the toilet? Would I bollocks.
Say it with me.
Fr Fraud prevention.
Payback time.
All right, shh.
OK.
Most of what I do is based around intelligence.
Question - Have any of you heard of Facebook? No, what's Facebook? It's a social networking site.
Now, you use it to Oh, you're mocking me, well done.
But would you be laughing if I told you I look at pictures of people on Facebook I wanna nail? Now you're listening.
~ And I don't just look at pictures.
~ Perv.
Sometimes I hide out and I take pictures of people I wanna nail.
You take secret pictures of people you wanna nail? Yeah, that's right.
And, boy, do I nail them.
Check this bad boy out.
Oh, I love tasers.
One false move and this little baby delivers 50,000 volts ~ in less than a second.
~ Tasers are illegal.
Tasers are wicked.
Have you ever fired it? Not in the line of duty but I have tested it twice on a cow in Sutton Park.
Boom! Roast beef! I'm gonna need some volunteers.
Reminds me of when our Figarro's back legs went.
He couldn't make it into the garden so we had to hold him over the toilet.
He was a right fatty for a spaniel.
Big as a beanbag.
'Mother Hen.
Come in, Mother Hen.
The MP has arrived.
' I repeat, the MP has arrived, over.
The MP's here? Right, Angela, are you finished? Oh, Jesus.
Paul, can you tell Natalie to stall the MP? I'll be there in a minute.
'Yeah, I can't hear you.
Can you turn the tap off?' Angela, can you stem the flow for two seconds? I'm not clenching, I'll get cystitis.
OK, Paul, I'm going to get everyone from George's seminar.
You keep him talking but whatever you do 'do not mention the ladyboy.
' The suspect is going for something, ~ It could be a weapon.
What are you gonna do, Karl? ~ Take the shot.
I've changed my mind, I don't wanna do this.
~ Have you given a warning? ~ Armed police! ~ Fraud squad.
Fraud squad! Put your hands in the air.
~ Stop being a twat, Karl! I'm going home.
~ Don't move! OK, everyone, it's - Shit it! No, no, don't touch her, she could still be live! Do you feel dizzy? Headache? No, I'm fine.
I need to go and talk to the important man.
Don't worry about that, you've been lasered.
Trish, I really am sorry.
I've called Tom, he's coming to pick you up.
Here you are, found that in lost property.
Cover up all that blood on your top.
Maybe your friend could lend you her blouse, as you've got the same one.
She's not my friend.
But she could lend me her blouse.
Then I could still meet the MP.
Trish, it's fine, Natalie's looking after the MP.
Trish OK, smile everyone, say cheese.
Cheese.
~ Thank you so much for visiting - ~ So nice to meet you, Mr McCrea.
Well, likewise.
~ I'll be sure to look into your concerns over that hospice.
~ Thanks.
I'm just thinking of the parking.
I know it's terminal care but a lot of them do linger on.
Hang on.
No, I'm sorry.
You should be talking to me.
I'm the boss.
That's the spirit.
With an attitude like that, I'm sure you'll find work in no time.
Come on, love, come and have a sit down.
You and your team are an inspiration, especially to people like her.
To be honest, I think she's beyond help.
Thanks for coming.
~ Balloon? ~ I'm not six.
All right, Karl.
How is she? How's Trish? Don't worry, mate, she's absolutely fine.
I can't believe you tasered my girlfriend.
Yeah, I know, sorry about that.
This is Natalie.
~ Oh.
Karl's told me loads about you.
~ Oh? ~ Yeah, well, not loads.
~ Hmm So you gonna come home with us? Nah.
I've got something on tonight.
~ He's got a date.
~ Hiya.
~ Balloon? ~ Thanks! I've booked a table at the Harvester for after bowling.
~ Oh, good.
~ Have fun.
See ya later.
Do you want to touch my boob again? ~ That's not what it sounds like.
~ It is.
~ It was nice to meet you.
~ Yeah, you too.
~ Do you need my arm? ~ I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Bye, bye.
~ Aw ~ Oh.
Hewwo woo.
Janette, this is Tom, my boyfriend.
~ Hello, my love.
~ Hiya.
Oh, dear.
Tell you what, I think I might have to get you home and play doctors and nurses.
~ Tom! ~ What? I will.
Hello, there.
Oh, erm Angela this is Tom, my boyfriend.
~ Oh, do you need a hand? ~ You can hold my crotch.
I think you mean 'crutch', Angela.
I don't think you need to hold on to him quite so tightly, Angela.
I think I do.
No wonder you're like a new woman, Trish, he's a bloody smasher! ~ Yeah, I know.
~ Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it.
~ I've not seen her smile so much in years.
~ Yes, thanks, Janette (!) ~ You sure you're gonna be all right getting home? ~ Oh, she'll manage.
You're a striver, aren't you, Angela? I'll see you tomorrow.
Actually, I think I'm gonna need tomorrow off.
I'm starting to throb.
Come on, Tom.
That's it, give her the crutch.
All right.
I see what you mean.
Yeah, and that's her being nice.
Did she touch you inappropriately?