The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[groans]
- Seyyal. [groans]
- [man] Aww.
Mami. [sobs]
And look at this young bastard. [sobs]
Cengiz.
What a handful he was.
Young dumb bastard.
And this was the musical.
Oh, now, this was a film.
- It was one of our best.
- [man] Which one is that?
- You see that?
- [woman] Yes.
Look. See this girl right here?
[man laughs]
- [Erşan] Who's that?
- [woman] Who?
I'll tell you.
- The middle one is me.
- [woman] Really?
- [man] You can't be serious.
- Yes, that's me.
- [man] For real?
- [woman] Wow.
I played a woman in that one.
- [man laughs] Wow.
- We all did. Mami, me.
Uh, you know, the boys,
good old Payro, Cengiz too.
We all dressed as ladies.
[woman] Erşan, no offense,
but you look kind of hot in that photo.
- Really? Did you like me?
- [woman] I hope you're not offended.
All right. No, why would I be?
- Offended? No, you and I are alike.
- [woman laughs]
We're starting to understand each other.
That's great.
[man] Erşan, I feel like we're close
enough now that
I can say if I'd seen you back then
out on the street,
I'd say you looked pretty damn hot.
If you were a woman,
I would've made a pass at you. No doubt.
[laughing]
I would have tried already.
You can bet on that.
[woman] I suppose we all
settle down more as we get older.
- I wouldn't know.
- [woman] Oh?
- It hasn't happened to me. I assure you.
- [man] Wow.
- You asked for this.
- [woman] You're right.
Admit it.
- [woman laughs] Erşan's comfortable.
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- My old friends. Hmm.
- [woman] Hmm.
Anyway, our film Baked Goods
was something.
Go see it.
If you can manage to get a copy of it.
It won't disappoint.
[theme music playing]
I've wanted to learn how to drive
for years, but never been able to.
Everyone says I get too excited
and freak them out.
- Promise you won't get mad at me?
- I'm sure you'll be fine.
Put it in "D"
and lift your foot off the brake.
D.
- [engine revs]
- I feel like I'm driving already, Erşan.
Stay calm. It's really very simple.
You got "P" gear,
"R" gear and "D" gear, drive.
Oh, these letters are so confusing to me.
All this "P-gear," "R-gear," "D-gear,"
I mean, I wanna put on my shades
and feel the wind in my hair,
not spend my entire day reading.
My dear, the best way to feel the wind
is to go straight ahead.
You're right.
- So first, I grab the wheel.
- Yeah.
And then I use this thing to make it go.
[Erşan] Is that Cemal?
[shouting]
Jesus Christ.
You!
What have I done?
Hit the one guy in town
you really shouldn't have.
You sure that's not too cold?
No, baby, I'll survive, but [groaning]
Oh, my God, Cemal, what's going on?
If I could stand, I'd greet you, Muammer,
but I may never walk again.
[Şermin] Oh, please don't say that.
I'm sorry, my dear,
but what else can I say?
Aren't you cold in that outfit?
Now, you have me worried.
Do you see how sorry she is for me, Erşan?
- What did the doctor say?
- [Erşan] The doctor?
What doctor?
The bumper barely touched him.
He wouldn't take me to the doctor.
Wouldn't take me to a hospital.
He just dragged me here.
This girl is my witness.
What was your name?
[Şermin] Şermin.
Şermin. What a lovely name
for a lovely girl.
She rubs my leg better than the doctor.
So then you guys know each other?
He's my little brother.
It's true.
Though how I could share a mother
with someone so heartless,
God only knows. [sobbing]
And now he starts crying.
Let's get to the point, shall we?
Just give Cemal 10,000 lira
and send him on his way.
You wanna pay me off?
You're embarrassing me, Erşan.
I know you live across town,
so you came here for a reason.
An obvious one. Take it and go.
Please, Erşan, give him a chance.
Don't you think it's cold
to just give him money?
How could I accept it? My own brother.
Please, it's a disgrace.
If I were him, I'd be ashamed.
Şermin, you can stop rubbing his leg now.
Watch, he'll stand up and walk for this.
So now my suffering is
for sale? All right. [groaning]
Here. This is as far as I can come.
If I've satisfied you,
then that's all there is to it.
I want to come closer to you,
Erşan, but I can't.
I'd prefer you didn't.
I'll have you know, we're very busy.
I should be on set right now.
- Why are you here?
- I can't leave my house anymore.
I'll be at the café, people say,
"There's the porno guy's brother."
If someone utters the name
Erşan Kuneri and I'm around,
I can't tell them you're related to me.
I used to have an acting career myself,
you know, in the radical theater.
We put on a dangerous show.
Karagöz in Resistance.
But while we were on tour,
I got jumped, remember?
They nearly dislocated
my shoulder, remember?
And why? Because the play
was political, of course.
But I bailed you out of jail.
You wouldn't pay the prop
and wardrobe department or the financiers.
- Is that political?
- [Cemal] Shut up.
I couldn't look them in the eye.
I had to admit you were my brother.
Cemal, does that theater still exist?
In here, Muammer.
As long as I have a heartbeat.
Thank you, sweetheart.
All right, whatever. Take your money.
Oppa!
While I'm here, take a photo
of me with my brother, please.
I can't come over here
every time I miss him.
- No photo. No.
- Fine, whatever you say.
Oh, well, well, well. Diamond Cemal.
Altın, how are you doing?
- Diamond Cemal?
- His gambling name. What else?
Hey, man, you never play anymore.
Where you been lately?
You used to come to the Arab's place.
He'll be back soon.
He just sold some plasma.
I left that all behind.
I do volunteer work now. Charitable deeds.
If you have any old clothes
you never wear,
I'll get them to someone who needs them.
- That shirt would do nicely for instance.
- [laughs]
Dude, I'm wearing it. It's on my body.
Well, I'm just saying.
Maybe I have some stuff for you.
Don't worry about it, honey.
They're all men.
All of them exactly my weight and height.
I guess I'll see you
at the Arab's place, Diamond.
That's ancient history, friend.
The only gambles
I take now are artistic ones.
You should really consider me
for a juicy part, Muammer.
And I'm much better
than you think I am, Erşan.
- We're about to make a heist film.
- A heist film?
No, it's not about you.
It's just a work of fiction.
God forbid I'd be involved
in anything like that.
Wow. This secretary you got
is easy on the eyes. [chuckles]
Hey, boss.
- What the hell.
- I'm doing research.
Oh.
- Aren't you cold in that outfit?
- No.
There goes a great actor.
10,000 lira for a shot.
That's more than I make.
- He's your brother, after all.
- Afraid so.
Payro, is that a butterfly?
No.
It looks like a butterfly. He has a point.
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[dramatic music playing]
PASTRY JOB
Okay, how does it look?
Yeah, perfect. And the rest?
You'll see. Ozi, the oven.
- Oh, wow.
- [chuckles]
- Would you look at that?
- Not bad. Aha!
Behold. Crescent doughnuts.
Wow!
This is the kind of artistry that
will make you a wealthy man, Ergin.
- Well done.
- [Ergin] Thanks, man.
Hey, welcome to the kitchen.
- How we doing?
- Look at the table.
Ah.
Ergin, Meral.
Ozi, Nilgün.
And Ferhun, Güner.
I bet this Meral chick
will be real good-looking.
Right. I will be Sabahat.
The pastry shop documents are ready.
The rest of it will take a month.
The doctor is waiting for my call.
How should we do this?
Should we go in pairs?
Uh, about that, it's just
Ferhun said the disguises would be enough.
He doesn't really get the other part.
A sex change, Ergüder? I just think
we could do this disguised as women,
without the rest of it, right?
I mean, come on.
Listen, we are not just dressing as women.
I'm talking about a foolproof plan.
The boys told me
that it was totally reversible,
but I just can't wrap my head around it.
- The old man's scared.
- [Ergüder] I'm scared too, brother.
But, please, disguises are for amateurs.
This doctor is promising to keep our dicks
safe for the three months of the job.
After we're done,
he'll put them right back on, see?
He gave us his word.
I'm still not convinced.
Remember the other day
when we got stoned together
and admitted we'd trade our cocks
for a billion lira?
We all agreed then.
And that was before
we'd be guaranteed to get them back.
Now a doctor is guaranteeing it.
Hold on. Where is he going to keep them?
A cold place.
You sure?
Try to understand.
Ergin doesn't want his cock
to feel cold and alone. [laughs]
Shut up.
I don't know. I admit I'm a softie,
but I have a bad feeling about this.
You guys, please.
This is 200 kilos
of gold I'm talking about.
For that, you could have a whole new
piece installed with two extra to spare.
And the best part is
Meral, Nilgün, Sabahat, Güner,
who don't exist.
No suspects means no crime. Huh?
Yeah, makes sense. That convinced me.
What's the rest of the plan?
- That makes sense? Really?
- Picture this.
We're four innocent girls.
We open a pastry shop
in a quiet neighborhood
by the business center.
We offer people a great product
at a price they can afford,
and everyone gets hooked.
I'll put some lemon zest in the lemonade.
The place will smell amazing.
Once everything gets going,
Ferhun and Ozi,
that's when you start digging.
Then at 7:30 after work,
me and Ergin will take
the soil out before morning.
Ah, what time will the buns be ready?
6:30.
The last Friday two hours after we close,
we go in.
There are 800 kilos in the vault.
We fill 2040-kilo bags,
leave through the tunnel
and slap some concrete over the entrance.
That's 200 kilos of gold each.
Wait a minute.
When's the reverse operation?
Brother, I'll call the doctor,
and he'll have everything ready
in 12 hours.
His money is right here.
I'll pay him in cash.
And he'll put
the same ones back on, won't he?
Man, why are you asking me that?
What if he mixes them up?
How will they get mixed up?
We'll put our names on each of them.
If you're so worried about yours,
then just tie a ribbon on its head, okay?
Guys, don't freak out over nothing, okay?
It's gonna be fine.
Think of the 200 kilos.
Two hundred kilos of gold.
Let's start getting into character.
[high-pitched] Are we ready, ladies?
Mm-hmm, so ready.
[chuckles] Oh, I'm ready, girlfriend.
[normal voice] I'm too old for this.
I swear, if Ferhun blows this for us,
I'll be seriously pissed off.
[high-pitched] Pretty please, ladies.
Work with me here.
[normal voice] Try harder.
[exhales]
[rock music playing]
No, no, wait. Let me see it one last time.
[sighs]
Go ahead.
[Ergin] You just need a touch of cream to
bring out your face, Ferhun. Look at me.
You see how pretty I am? Check it out.
- Just wait till I'm done with you.
- [sighs]
Am I supposed to put this on every day?
- [Ergin] Here you go, pucker up.
- [blows]
Mm. This will take
those excess hairs right off.
Where's Ergüder, anyway?
- He's out getting the documents.
- [door opens]
- He'd better get here soon.
- Don't worry about it. He will.
Hey, girls. I tried
to wear a non-revealing outfit,
but everyone keeps staring at my ass.
Why are beauty products so damn expensive?
Didn't need those.
I brought this from my mother's.
What choice did I have?
A girl's gotta look her best.
It's too hard. Just look at me.
- So what's up?
- Just getting ready, you know.
- How's the chest?
- Sore.
Anyway, come next Monday,
our pastry shop will be open.
- Oh, man.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah.
- Thank God.
Ferhun, I still see some hairs up there.
One more time.
[rock music playing]
Ooh! ♪
[man wolf whistles]
Hey, ladies, how you doing today, huh?
- Fuck off, you little prick!
- Dude. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Güner, honey.
Man, I told you this already.
It's the hormones. I can't help it.
Just be careful, man. Please.
Here we are, ladies. Best of luck.
[upbeat music playing]
I've never had a better
crescent doughnut, ma'am.
I'll tell you why that is.
That's because we only use
the best ingredients we can find.
- Don't we, Güner?
- Yes, that's right.
- They're delicious.
- Thank you, dear.
Bless your heart.
We'll see you again. I'm sure of it.
- Welcome, dear.
- [normal voice] Dude, the éclairs are
[clears throat] The voice, you stupid ox.
Give them to Güner.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, hon.
Welcome, sir.
Why, thank you. This is a lovely place.
And it's on my commute.
I'll be here every day.
How nice of you. What can I get you?
I'm a civil servant [chuckles]
So I can't afford anything too fancy,
so just so you know.
Well, my éclairs are fresh from the oven.
Why, sure.
One éclair please and a lemonade.
Because it's hot all of a sudden. [laughs]
A lemonade and an éclair.
I would eat you too, if I could.
- What's that? [laughs]
- Oh, a little joke, you know. Never mind.
- I'll be right back with that.
- Thanks.
Thank you dear, yum.
Did he say he was a civil servant?
Mm-hmm. What if he's a cop?
It's on the house. No charge.
Got it.
- Here you go, sir.
- Thanks, thanks. It looks so great.
- Your order is on the house.
- Oh!
You said you were a civil servant.
Which department was that?
- It's a secret. Sorry. [laughs]
- Hmm.
I shouldn't have said anything.
- Well, I hope you enjoy the éclair.
- Mm. Mm.
[mumbles]
[sighs, clears throat]
Here, let me show you the spot.
- We're gonna dig right here?
- Yeah. Go on, move these.
[sighs] Seriously, dude?
I love the plan, but how am I
gonna dig with these things on, huh?
Just make it work, all right?
Patience is a part of the job, kid.
Now look. Look right here.
This, this, this, this. That makes four.
Another four here.
This. Okay?
- Take out these 16.
- All these.
- You got it?
- Copy that.
And that's it.
Compared to baking pastries,
this is the easy part.
[rock music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
Enjoy. Have nice day.
- Any silverware?
- Nothing silver for me.
I'm more of a gold person, actually.
Well, good luck with that.
- Ergin.
- Yes, sir.
- Is the air conditioning on?
- Full blast.
Ozi, the lights, turn 'em off.
Got it. Be right back.
CLOSED
- Call if you see anything.
- [Ergin] Yeah.
All right. Be careful, guys.
- Come on. Go get 'em.
- Let's go, kid. Go ahead, go.
You got this.
- Turning the power on.
- [Ergüder] Do it.
- It's on.
- [motor whirring]
- [Ozi] Do you see light? You see light?
- [Ergüder] Hell yeah, I do.
- [laughing]
- [motor whirring]
All right, tell 'em to bring the hammer.
The big one. The sledgehammer.
Okay.
Bring the sledgehammer.
Repeat, bring the sledgehammer.
The sledgehammer.
Where the hell is it, man?
Well, how should I know?
Oh, shit. I left it upstairs. I'll get it.
- Hurry, hurry!
- I'll get it.
[knock on door]
All closed up, huh?
I thought I'd drop in,
but I guess I missed my chance, didn't I?
Yeah, we're closed. It's late, you know.
So you're still baking?
Yes, the crescent doughnuts
need to chill overnight.
These gloves. They seem so heavy-duty.
Of course. You want me
to burn my hand on the oven?
There's nothing in this world
that I desire less.
[Ozi] Where's that sledgehammer?
Sledgehammer?
[whirring]
For the dough.
- So that's the secret, huh? [laughs]
- Yes, we pound it out.
I wondered how you got
the doughnuts so chewy.
Which reminds me, actually.
Could I have a pinch of this doughnut?
- Afraid not.
- A little pinch?
Sorry. We're closed.
- How about a kiss?
- No.
- One little kiss.
- You can't be serious. It's very late.
- I could eat you up.
- Gotta bake.
All right, see you.
I'll come by tomorrow morning.
I'm back, bro. I'm back.
You wanna know something, man?
Being a woman is really complicated,
between you and me.
- [laughs]
- Let's go. Let's go.
[grunts]
[whirring]
Hammer.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
- [Ergin] Are you through?
- [Ozi] Man, here you go.
[Ergin] Oh, my God, yes!
[laughing]
- Ah! Yes! Oh, ho!
- [laughs]
[grunts]
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go. That's it.
You're up.
[sighs]
[Ferhun exhales]
- [laughing]
- Shh! Shh!
Think she'll make it, doc?
[laughing]
- [lock clicks]
- [Ergüder] Holy shit.
Come on, get it open.
I can't believe it!
- Are you kidding me?
- [laughing]
- Well, hello, there. Yes, oh, yeah.
- [laughing]
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
[Ozi panting]
Only one bag left.
- [laughing]
- [Ferhun] Okay.
- Here you go. This is the last one.
- [grunts]
Ozi, pull it out. We're done.
Stop.
[grunts]
[grunting] And that's how it's done.
- That's how it's done, ladies.
- [sighs]
- Help him. Help Ergin up.
- [Ergin grunting] Thank you.
- Is the car running?
- It is.
- All right.
- Okay, boys, let's grab 'em.
Let's go.
[grunting]
[Ferhun] Take this.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
[Ergüder] Get 'em outta here.
- [laughing]
- [Ergüder] Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
[Ozi] Here, man. Take these.
[panting]
Bring 'em here. Come on, move it.
- [Ergin grunts]
- [Ergüder laughing]
This is totally awesome, huh?
This is amazing. We really did it.
- [laughing]
- No more baked goods.
From now on,
I'm eating seafood for every meal.
- [laughing]
- Ergüder, is the doctor ready?
Have patience.
I'll call him once the thrill wears off.
- [laughing]
- [clattering]
[man] Police! Nobody move!
Hands in the air.
Come on, move, move, move!
Over there. Come on, move it, move it.
[Ergin gasps]
Really?
We run a bakery, officer.
- That's right.
- [giggling]
What the hell happened, Erşan?
Hmm. Shh. Stop.
- Foolproof.
- For God's sake, be quiet.
All right, for the last time,
where's the gold?
I don't know what you're talking about.
We use flour and eggs in our shop.
You're under arrest. Take 'em away.
What? Without seeing the prosecutor?
Or seeing our lawyer?
Oh, you have a lawyer?
Guys, she has a lawyer. [chuckles]
Stay calm.
We have rights. We have a right
to meet with the prosecutor.
We're girls. We're just simple girls.
What do we do now, man?
Working on it.
[gasps] Whoopsie.
[chuckles]
Got some cigarettes.
And there's no rouge or eyeliner
or makeup at all.
Just this crappy hair clip.
Do they sell anything
I could kill you with, dumbass?
Hey.
Guys, just relax.
We still have plenty of time to get out.
- You've ruined us, man. I swear to God.
- Yeah, well, up yours, bitch.
Hey, you still call this
a foolproof plan, Ergüder?
You think my ass was this size before?
That guy gave me a massive ass!
What do you mean, man?
Your ass was always like that.
It's true, man. Your caboose is huge.
We could have pulled all this off
just disguised as women.
Oh, yeah? If we had done that,
we'd be over in men's prison now,
getting our asses traded
to the highest bidder.
I think we're doing okay.
- [Ozi] He's right.
- [loud banging]
All right, ladies,
that's all the fresh air you get today.
Time to go back inside.
Hold on.
That guard
Come on, ladies, single file, let's go.
- How are you, Melis? My desert flower.
- Murtaza.
Hey.
You go talk to him.
- Talk to him.
- Yeah, I got this.
Hello.
Do you remember me? The pastry shop?
I'm not talking to you anymore.
Now, just go inside, please.
You hurt my feelings.
Oh! Are you really mad at me?
Yeah, I didn't know you were a thief.
It was all over the newspapers.
You know how bad it felt to read that?
So the civil servant is a prison guard?
That's cute.
For the love of God, please go inside.
I'm I'm really upset.
Please, just go. I'm at work.
I don't want you looking at me like that.
I mean it.
I'm a prisoner of my own fate, dear.
Please, stop looking at me like that
and go inside.
Your fate's not up to me.
Tell it to the judge.
- You look great in your uniform.
- For the love of God, will you get inside?
Come on, move it!
Outside time is over.
Get back inside with the other girls.
Let's go.
At least we got some fresh air.
Everyone back to their cells.
- What did he say?
- That I hurt his feelings.
Oh, he's just teasing you.
That's all. This is great news.
It's like it's like
we have a man on the inside.
- You're right.
- This is great.
- Move, ladies.
- All right, dear.
- Okay.
- [guard] Move.
Whatever. Just bring them to me
and then we can talk. [exhales]
Sure thing, boss.
I'll try again, maybe tomorrow.
- Boss-lady wants to talk to you.
- About what?
Whatever she wants.
I'm sorry, but I'm very tired
and need to sleep.
Sure, get some rest.
But you'd better sleep with one eye open.
Come on, let's move.
Who knows? Might be nice.
A little girl-to-girl chat.
Whatever, my plan is still great.
Better be.
Welcome, ladies.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, dear.
[boss] Heard you stole some gold bars.
Too bad you got caught.
You stash 'em somewhere?
[laughs] Oh, my dear girl, we're only here
because of a tragic misunderstanding.
That's all.
Hey, Granny, you'd better shut your mouth.
- What's your name?
- Meral.
Go make some tea.
Grandma here will make the beds.
Okay, honey, let's go. Go.
Young blood, name?
Me?
I'm Nilgün, ma'am.
Nazo, how do you like her?
- [Nazo] Uh-huh.
- [boss] Pack your things.
You're bunking with Nazo now.
This way.
Hey, bodybuilder.
I have a special job for you.
You're on mopping detail.
The floors, mop?
The floors and everywhere else.
Well, I'm not really that strong.
It's just I'm big-boned.
Lights out, girls.
Sit.
So listen, I know you know
where the gold is, don't you?
Well, I have some girls getting out soon.
Maybe there's a way
we can help each other.
Well, you know I might have stashed
a couple bars here and there, you know.
Okay, then, now the mopping can begin.
Ah, okay.
[clears throat] I'm sorry,
but if you don't need me to mop,
I'll just make the beds, right?
- [Ergüder] Go. Just get out of here.
- [scoffs]
[laughs]
Send your people to take care of me,
and I'll make everything squeaky clean.
Oh, yeah? Well, prove it.
- [sighs]
- So, um, how wet do you want your floor?
So wet it shines.
[squelching]
[inhales]
[exhales]
Good morning.
Good morning, ma'am.
Well done, last night. Squeaky clean.
Thanks.
See Murtaza, the guard.
He'll add your name
to the list of people getting out.
What did I tell you? I'm here to please.
[exhales]
[grunts]
Hey, give me another chance, come on.
[grunts]
We're all so bad at this. So out of shape.
We don't even know if it's still there.
Maybe the cops found it.
And you're just giving it away.
We're running out of time.
Our cocks have four days left.
- You guys-
- "Guys" my ass.
- You see any guys here?
- [Ozi panting]
[exhales] I love playing volleyball.
[exhales]
Oh, man, you guys, that girl is so sweet.
I never had anything like this back home.
Listen, we have 800 kilos of gold.
- Maybe.
- Maybe not.
I stashed ten kilos
as an insurance policy.
[gasps] You did?
It's at the workshop.
So you admit
you've been skimming off the top?
Damn right I have.
For just this situation.
It's called thinking.
We'll have to spend two kilos
to pay the woman.
Um, that's still two kilos per man left.
- Fine. Two kilos each.
- Yes.
Then we get our cocks back?
If we get out! Then yes, of course.
Hey, man, you know what?
It's okay if I don't get out.
You can just give me my share afterwards.
True. I don't know
how long we have to serve.
[exhales] It's just that girl is
so pretty. She drives me crazy.
Meral.
Murtaza has to add our names to the list.
- [guard] Get up!
- Okay, got it. That's no problem.
All right, ladies. Everyone inside.
[gasps] We better be going.
[Murtaza] Move it, girls.
That's right. Everyone inside.
Right this way, ladies, step inside.
Come on, keep it moving.
Murtaza.
Hello, dear.
We need to talk.
I know, sweetheart, stop flirting.
This is serious.
- You talked to boss-lady?
- Mm-hmm.
She told us you could get
the four of us out of here.
Oh, really? Is that what she said?
She should have mentioned
this was my idea, mine.
And I want two shares.
Did she tell you that?
- Oh, is that all?
- What did you expect? [scoffs]
- I'm taking a risk myself.
- Are you really?
I'm taking a risk right now
even telling you about it.
- Danger suits you.
- You think?
Two shares suits me even more.
- Then two shares it is.
- All right, now, you get inside.
Move it.
Nazo, are you ready for us?
[Nazo] It's all good. Send 'em in.
Okay.
Murtaza's waiting on the other side.
Everything's all set.
Hand over the goods to my girls,
and I'll be out in a week.
Best of luck, ladies.
Thank you very much.
[sighs] Let's go.
Let's go.
- [Ferhun] Come on. Come on. Come on.
- [Ergüder grunts]
[prisoner] Hurry.
[exhales] Let's go.
[grunting]
[Murtaza] Hey. Come on, get in, get in.
- Get in, get in, get in, hurry. Get in!
- Here.
Let's go.
- Can you believe this?
- [exclaims]
Man, I told you it would work.
Just trust me, you guys.
Murtaza, to the pastry shop.
[Murtaza] Got it, affirmative.
Go around the block.
[grunts, exhales]
[horn honks]
- Let's get outta here.
- Come on.
- Hurry!
- [Ergüder] I'm coming! I'm coming!
[sighs]
- Ladies, it's still there.
- Yes!
[Ozi exhales]
- Two and two makes four. That'll do it.
- Got it.
- Get back in there. I'm behind you.
- Okay, I got 'em.
Thank you, dear.
Just as we agreed.
[Murtaza] Aww.
- These are yours.
- [laughs] Why, thank you.
- [laughing]
- [Ergüder] Here, honey.
First thing tomorrow,
they'll do a head count in the prison.
[laughs]
Imagine the look on their faces.
It's gonna be a hell of a day.
[laughs]
[prisoner] Well, seems like
our work here is done.
It was nice doing business with you.
Thanks a lot.
But now, how long do we have to
stay here? What do you think, Nazo?
We'd better lie low for a while.
Well, leaving tonight
would be a bit amateurish, I think.
That's a good way to get caught.
The girls should definitely stay here.
Well, how's this for a plan?
The girls stay.
I go first to see what's happening,
and then when the dust settles,
I'll send you a message
when it's okay to get out of here.
And, you know, you're right.
It would be too amateurish the other way.
Are you working tomorrow?
No, tomorrow's my day off.
Maybe you should stay here
with the girls too.
I think it's best if we go out first
to make sure it's safe.
Sure.
This is great.
The girls are all staying here.
Ah. Uh, may I use your telephone?
Excuse me.
[phone keys clacking]
Hello, doctor. Ergüder.
Uh, we had a bit of a delay.
Is tomorrow morning available?
That'd be great.
Oh, okay. Uh-huh.
Only one of them?
- What?
- Oh my, God, whose is it?
Umm, what happened? Was it air bubbles?
It's fine. It's all right.
Yeah. Got it.
Tomorrow morning, all right.
What's wrong? Is it broken?
Whose dick is it?
It's all right. Shh!
Of course, doctor. Of course.
See you at seven, then. We're good.
Listen, they'll be ready
at seven tomorrow.
- Phew! You were scaring me to death.
- Oh!
- Man, it's our last night as girls.
- It's the end of this fucking ordeal.
[laughing]
- Oh my.
- Thank God.
Ah! [chuckles]
Welcome, gentlemen.
Sort of surprised to see you back here.
Why, is there something wrong?
No.
Okay, great. Let's start. Me first.
- Second.
- No. Me.
Wait a minute.
As the oldest, I should be first.
Well, go ahead, lady.
[rock music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[doctor] The operation went well.
A centimeter of it was infected,
so I had to cut a bit off.
He didn't have much to begin with.
Oh, God, this is
all because he was so nervous.
- You know he willed it on himself.
- Whatever.
It's fine, doctor,
but you have no idea
the things we went through to get here.
Yeah, I heard it on the news.
And you four idiots really
thought that would work?
Of course, it's not really my business.
- So, yeah.
- [Ferhun sighs]
Great plan, guys. Totally foolproof.
- Ferhun, buddy.
- [Ferhun] Hmm.
One centimeter, man.
Try not to worry about it.
You don't know, Ergüder.
Every millimeter counts.
[Ergüder and Ferhun groan]
[Ergüder] You guys, just think about this.
We've recently escaped prison,
but there's nobody looking for us.
This fact alone
shows how well my plan is working.
That is absolutely true, man.
I don't even remember why they put
us in prison. Must be the drugs.
[laughing]
Ergüder, they poked
around a lot down there.
You gave me a guarantee.
If it doesn't work, then fuck you.
- [laughing]
- How you gonna do that if it doesn't work?
- [laughing]
- [Ferhun] Ow!
[Ergüder exhales]
[Ozi] No. Not a fucking thing.
[Ergin] Come on, stick it deeper.
It's not fucking here!
How is that possible?
All the bags were in there.
It's fucking empty. See for yourself.
- [Ozi] It's empty.
- [Ferhun groans]
Ergüder.
- You only had one fucking job, man!
- Oh, man, just shut up, damn it!
- There's nothing in here. Look, nothing!
- [groaning]
What the hell happened to all my gold?
How's this for an idea?
Check your mom's pussy for your gold.
- Hey, stop!
- Stop fighting, guys.
- Please, stop fighting.
- You trying to sucker punch an old man?
This is pointless.
It's not there. It's gone.
There's really nothing down there?
- No, man, no, no.
- You heard him. It's gone!
- How can it be gone? There were 20 bags.
- Everyone shut up already.
- It was a foolproof plan, right?
- This is crazy. Where the fuck are they?
[Ferhun] "Leave everything to me.
I have a foolproof plan."
"Leave everything to me."
- Like you didn't agree.
- Yes, we fucking did.
- Look where that got us.
- Always whining.
We trusted you, man.
We trusted you from the beginning.
Yes. "Don't worry, just trust me."
Look where we're at now.
- [laughing]
- Well done.
I can't believe
we didn't make any mistakes.
- Oh, no, there's always a few.
- [boss sighs]
You see, I've been studying Ergüder
and his crew for a while.
I was sure
they would screw up an 800-kilo job.
- Hmm.
- But they did all right.
My guess was
they'd keep 20 kilos for insurance.
But that's where I was wrong.
Oh, well, ten kilos
ain't a bad day's work.
- Plenty there for everybody.
- [gasps]
I'll let you know if there's a bigger job.
[boss] Anytime.
- [gasps]
- Ooh! [laughing]
Murat, just call us next time
there's gold up for grabs.
[laughing]
Tell me something, Murat.
I mean, how did you know
to do that country accent?
Ah, oh.
Now that's an important trick.
Why it seems to lower people's defenses
"who can say?"
[laughing]
It just does. Once you start talking,
they stand there hypnotized.
[laughing]
All right, darlings, I have to run.
I'll see you, my desert rose.
- [laughing] See you around.
- See ya.
- Later.
- Kisses.
[laughing]
[shouts]
[Turkish music playing]
[music continues]
THE END
[theme music playing]