The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e03 Episode Script

* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad * * I had lots of luck but it's all been bad * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive * * my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand * * my woman run away with another man * * no matter how I struggl and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Welcome home, tim.
Thank you.
It's nice to be back It's great to have you here.
Even though I never stopped paying the rent.
Anyway, I got you a little gift.
Oh! It's a bag of fruit? No, it's a fruit basket.
Except it's in a bag.
So it's a fruit bag? - No, it's not a fruit-- you don't call it that.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
- All right.
I got you a present too.
Now I feel bad about the fruit.
I just wanted to do something nice.
It's your first night back.
All right, let's see what we got.
Whoa, look at that thing.
Do you like it? - When do you wear this? - It's a nightshirt.
Like ebenezer scrooge? Um - Wasn't he known for this look? No, my grandfather used to wear them.
So it's kinda like this sentimental thing for me.
Oh, that's a little weird.
He said it made him feel free down there.
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
- Well, I mean, he told my grandmother.
- He said that to you? - Yeah? - And she told my mom.
And then my mom told me.
Your family talks about these things? Listen, tim, I really want this to work out this time.
As do I.
- Um, so I'm going out.
- You're going out? - I have this work thing.
- Oh.
We made the plans before you and I got together.
- It's okay, right? - Oh, yeah.
No.
I'm just gonna put on the nightshirt and kick back.
That is not a good look for me.
This is going back first thing in the morning.
What is that? oh no.
Blobsnark, come.
Leave the fire flames.
But, papa, my little white kitty cat.
There is no time for the kitty.
We will celebrate his soul in the afterlife.
But now we must leave.
- Sergeant tibbs! Papa, no! - Blobsnark, get it together.
- What's going on out here? - Ti There is chaos, there is flames.
We must leave.
Someone must save my kitty cat sergeant tibbs! Calm down.
Don't panic.
Everyone get out.
- I'll tell the firefighters.
Let's get to safety.
Papa! - Let's do it.
Everybody out.
Sir, excuse me.
Can you please help me? - No, we're getting out of here.
- No no no, stop.
- I need you to carry this hose for me.
- I gotta get moving here.
Yeah, I know, it's just a few more steps.
There's five steps and I've inhaled some smoke.
I'm a firefighter, sir I'm a firefighter.
Why don't you fiht the fire? I'm a female firefighter, okay? I'm gonna get outside where it's not so hot.
Do you know how hot it is in this garment? That's your chosen profession.
Shh! Sir, I'm asking you to stop talking.
I'm asking y to pick up the hose, put it on your back And carry it up the stairs While I get some air.
What do I do? Hose on my shoulder? ( muffled carry it up the stairs.
- I'm fighting a fire.
- You're doing great.
All right, fire's out.
It was just a grease fire.
No need for l the drama.
- All right, we haven't got much time.
- Now we don't have time? Sir, you were a hero back there.
Thank you.
- But only you and I can know about it.
'cause I'm a woman and they're looking for any excuse to kick me off of this force.
I have to be twice as good as men.
I know.
- And that's what I do all right? - I'm twice as good.
- No, I wouldn't say that.
Sir, I need you to swear that you're not gonna say anything.
- Okay? - Let's just get out.
Look me in the eyes.
Swear on that cat's life.
- Swear on the cat's life? - Yes, right now.
No, mr.
-- Colonel tibbs? For your country, sir.
Swear, please.
Fine.
I swear on the cat's life.
Great.
You know what's gonna be even better for me right now, sir? What? - I need you to let me carry you out.
- Carry me? - Let me just pick you up.
Don't get greedy.
I'm playing along.
Can you even lift me? You couldn't lift the hose.
What do you weigh, a buck and a quarter? I weigh what all grown men weigh.
sir.
Let's go.
Why does our culture use so much oil for cooking? Now we know, papa.
Do not pish yourself.
Sergeant tibbs! Firefighter coming through carrying a man and a cat.
Okay, people, hero's a woman.
Get in there, people.
- Go go! - No, no pictures.
- Amy: Tim? - Hey, amy.
How was your work thing? It's like carrying a sandwich.
This is a nice place they put us up in.
- Yeah.
- Good insurance.
I guess.
- Must have been worried about your-- - Your man caught in the flames.
- Of course I was.
Yeah.
What do people do now? Some kind of getting-naked-post-fire- Glad-you're-alive- relief-sex stuff? You know, tim, I just can't get that image of you being carried out By that female firefighter out of my head.
Wh just let it go.
Aren't you kind of embarrassed? - Me? No.
From my point of view, it felt pretty masculine.
The whole thing felt like I was almost like a firefighter myself.
But you were being carried out of the building.
People carry each other.
Don't harp on that.
It seemed a little more sort of pathetic to me.
What are you talking about? Because I was wearing the nightshirt? No, it was n the nightshirt.
I told you the nightshir is a weird look for me.
No, it was definitely yo not the shirt.
- It was me, not the shirt.
- Yeah.
Honestly, there's-- there's a little more to the story, But I swore on the life of a cat so I can't really elaborate.
- Ah, tim.
- Hey, how's that coffee? What? - How you doing? Good morning? What else? - What do people say in the morning? They printed it up? It's everywhere, tim.
It's on the side of buses.
- That's crazy.
- Right.
That's a retouching job.
- Really? - She wasn't smoking.
Well, it's an iconic photo.
Of course she was smoking.
Everybody smokes.
- It's not iconi it happened yesterday.
I'm just curious what- what is that, a muu muu? - What are you wearing there? - Some would call it a nightshirt.
- A nightshirt? - In olden times.
Are you from the past? I'm not.
It's a gift.
It was a gift.
Tim, you need to make this go away.
- You need to-- - I agree.
You need to wipe it clean.
You need to do something strong.
All right.
Lift something, or - What? I don't know.
What have you been talking about? What are you talking about, lift something? Like, just why don't you lift up the chair? What's that gonna do? Fix the problem.
All righ I'm on it.
Streng rodney, strength.
- Strong stuff - body building.
Dead-lifting anchors.
What about, you know, biting through human bone? - This is not helping.
- Catching a bullet with your teeth.
What about lifting whoa whoa whoa.
no no.
Why is she there? Shh.
- So help me set the scene here.
How did this iconic photo come to be? See, I was dragging the hose up the landing.
That's where I fou what appeared to be a gay drag queen Crying in the corner.
And I hear a cat meowing And I think I've got to save both of them.
How am I gonna do it? This woman is out of control.
I don't know w was crying loude tim or the cat.
that's great.
This does not make me look good, does it? Very few things do, tim.
Yeah.
- I think I gotta blow the whistle on this.
I'd blow it hard.
- Yeah, "the insider.
" russell crowe.
- Yeah.
- There's a strong guy- - russell crowe.
Ooh, fighting russell crowe.
That would be a feat of strength.
Punch him in the face and see what happens.
What do you owe someone who made you swear On the life of a cat under false pretenses? I don't think I understand the question.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
This is coming to an end- a swift end.
Hey, guys.
I'm looking for nancy.
- Oh, fucking a.
You son of a bitch.
- Jesus christ! Shit.
Fucking- so sick of heari about nancy.
I'll come back later.
I'm sorry.
I didn't recognize you at first.
It's the weakling that she saved.
- No.
- Oh! - Yeah - little penis.
That was uncalled for.
So where's nancy? She's at the big ceremony in her honor-- A ribbon-cutting and legend of.
Oh my god, I wanna throw up.
There's a legend every month? That's a lot of legends.
Six women in a row.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
And here we are, male firefighters, Just reduced to taking our shirts off for calendars.
Right, we're just polishing our own poles around here.
Fucking nancy.
- Can you see the anger in my face? I am not taking this well at all.
What's your problem, dude? - Oh, am I steamed.
- What? I should b the legend of the month I put that whole thing out.
- What thing? - The fire.
- Are you for real right now? - Yeah.
- This is such good news! - Why is that good news? - You gotta tell the chief.
- Yeah.
Speak up for us, man.
Yeah! Come on, bros before hose.
That's taking it too far.
Hos is disrespectful.
No no, it's hose.
It's h-o-s-e.
- Oh, hose.
- Bros before hose.
- Little fireman humor.
- Exactly.
Ladies and gentlen, This is a great honor for me.
What a great day for all women.
Geraldine ferraro is here.
Listen, I've heard people say that women can't do this job.
right, can I get a boo? Some people say our lungs aren't developed enough.
Well, we proved them wrong, baby! - Woman: That's right! - Nancy: Yes we did, geraldine! You can do anything! Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, tim! You are just in time.
Papa, look, it is tim.
- What is he saying? - And on the very site Where this courageous woman rescued that frightened little m, Wiping the tears from his eyes With the corner of his silky nightgown, We dedicate this statue.
No, you don't.
- Nancy! Nancy! - No.
That's not how it went down.
This is the statue we're going with.
I'm bigger than that! Look at me.
It's a good statue.
That is a perfect representation of what happened.
Listen, I wanna talk to the chief.
- No, tim.
Don't.
- Hey, no, I got to.
Listen, I'm not asking for a resculpt On the statue.
I just wanna get the facts straight.
- This woman is a bit of a - No, tim.
- Phony.
- No! You calling her a liar? She could have carried 10 of you.
You're a frail fuck! - What? Don't curse.
- I stand by it.
Let me just say this: I'm sure you're a great firefighter.
It's just sometimes we lose sight of the male firefighters And their struggles.
And on their behalf I'd like to just raise a fist And say bros before hose.
what? Did he just call her a whore? No, I didn't mean whore.
I'm not calling everyone here a whore.
- Oh boy.
- No, hose means hose.
Hose it down.
Hose it off.
Why don't you just punch me in the vagina, tim? It's a twist on the phrase.
Woman on tv: Tim's law.
How has it changed things on the force, chief? Well, since tim's law went into effect We actually verify that everyone Has the upper body strength to do this job.
And yet, has tim's law unfairly targeted women, Turning back the clock on decades of progress in a misguided Rushed pie of botched legislation? Absolutely that's what it's done.
Wow.
It came out who the real hero was.
Is that how you just sort of interpreted that story? Isn't that the takeaway? I put the fire out.
- Here's what you did.
- Yeah? - You lifted a hose in a nightgown.
- Nightshirt.
Proved you're as masculi as nancy the firefighter.
Equally, if not more so.
And as a result of that, Have now made thin twice as hard for female firefighters in the future.
Um, you can phrase it how you will.
I have a feeling sergeant tibbs Has a very different take on the whole event.
* no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* - I don't like it.
- You don't like what? - I don't like this.
- You don't like your cubicle Being cleansed of negative energy? I don't like the noises coming out of your mouth and I don't like the smell.
Just don't fight the good vibe that incense can bring.
You don't use incense in a cubicle.
It's two different worlds.
Okay, everyone here, Please shush up and gather around me.
- Tim: Hey, becky.
- Helen: Good morning, becky.
- Hi.
- Uh-oh, it's becky.
It's serious, you guys.
You're gonna be sorry for being sarcastic.
Please just shut u and gather around me.
Okay, I don't know how to say this.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
Marie's husband bob is dead.
- Oh, honey.
- Who? B-o-b.
Bob.
- She was marrie - who would marry marie? I thought she was a lesbo.
Oh my god, you guys.
This is just really sad.
Oh, bob is gone.
I know this is hard for everyone to come to terms with.
Which is why I've spent the last three and a half hours Pouring my heart into something- a gift for her, this.
- Wow.
- Oh, look at that.
Holy shit.
- Woman: It's big.
- Tim: That's a card and a half.
I painted it myself.
Nobody helped me.
Painted a card.
- Stu: Sitting on the dock of a bay.
- It's lovely.
- Thank you.
Please, everybody take a moment to write her a really sweet note.
Everyone on the other floors already signed it, So just be qui but make it amazingly super thoughtful, you guys.
Oh, I've got my calligraphy pen.
Beck oh my god, you guys.
You really have done a good job on this card.
I'm surprised.
- And happy.
- Thank you, becky.
Okay, so it looks like you're the last one, tim.
Just put my name on the bottom.
Can you sign your na and just sign a little note for marie, please? You're the last one.
Just make it quick.
Can I get like a half hour? No.
You can get like two minutes.
All right, let me think.
Let me think.
What do I write? Dearest marie All right, dud the bike dude's here.
- What? Yeah, where's the card for marie's dead husband? Five minutes.
Marie You're suc a nice lady.
Why-- why is he-- I don't have all day, buddy.
I have a buttload of deliveries to make.
I'm trying to write something sincer to a widow.
Why don't you just write from your heart? - The death of bob-- - oof.
Give me the card.
Give me the card! - Come on, tim.
- This is too much stress.
Give m the fucking card.
Oh my god.
All right.
Her let me write this up real quick.
there.
I'm actually pretty happy with that.
Finally.
To talk to me right now?Rican ye - Where do you wanna go? - I would like to go to the ladies' room.
- Ladies' room? - Yes.
I don't talk with people in the ladies' room.
That's just a weird place to talk.
If I were you, I would not be asking questions and making demands right now.
Let's do it by the vending mache at least.
Can we please go to the ladies' room? I'm not comfortable here.
I don't care if you're comfortable.
The card that I was creating for marie - Mm-hmm.
- I saw what you wrote.
And I am not happy about it.
I'm trying to remember.
Was it too emotional? - Too emotional? - Too sweet? Here's what you wrote, tim-- - yeah.
"sorry about that.
What a bummer.
Tim.
" Is something wrong with that? Is something wrong with that? I'm sorry.
- Did you see what everyone else wrote? I'm sorry that the man is dead.
That's why I wrote, "sorry about that.
" - Listen to me.
- Yeah.
- You effed my card.
- I effed it? You effed it and I think that what you did to the card was b.
S.
Who uses this many acronyms? I'm really upset and you're upsetting me even more.
All right, just breathe.
I'm gonna get out of this bathroom now and-- You're not getting out of anything.
What do you want me to do? Just tell me.
Here's what I want you to do: I want you to make marie An amazing condolence casserole, okay? That's a bizarre solution.
She needs some comfort food right now Because she needs to be comforted.
Why don't you bake it? I'll call the bike messenger - And have him shoot it over.
- You will bake it yourself.
- All right, I'm gonna bake it.
- You'll bake it yourself.
- I'll bake it myself.
- And you're gonna write a card And it's gonna say nothing but this, okay? "love becky and tim and the omnicorp gang.
" If I bake it I should just say it's from me, probably.
I'm giving you a way out of this disaster.
So I want some credit.
Now I need to go and try to calm down and get back to work.
All right.
Good talk.
Nice ladies' room.
It really is.
Um, what the hell is in that pan? Check it out.
Top chef here.
What are you doing? - I'm making something called tuna delight.
It smells awful.
No.
This is for a grieving widow.
I'm gonna make her a casserole and put a smile on her face.
It smells like a dead animal.
A dead animal? It's a dead fish.
Tim, you have no business being in this kitchen.
You know what you should do is you shoul call my mom.
Your mom? - She has the best tuna casserole recipe And I'm sure she'd be willing to walk you through it.
All right, you know what? I'll chat her up, charm her a little bit.
Great idea.
- Hello? - It's your boy here, tim.
Oh, tim! This is such a pleasant surprise.
Isn't it? - What can I do for you, tim? Tell me if this is crazy.
I thought it would be fun we start exchanging recipes.
Well, what recipe do you need? I was thinking tuna casserole.
Listen, the recipe is in the cookbook That I gave you as a housewarming gift.
You could just read from there.
Oh, I could but, uh It's so much more fun to hear it from you.
Well, you have it there, right? The book is on the premises, if that's what you're asking.
You threw it away, didn't you, tim? - No no, I just-- - okay, what's the title, tim? The title of the book? - Yes.
What's the title of the cookbook? It's called, you know, "cook it up.
" - I'm hanging up now, tim.
- Why? - Thank you for calling.
- This is a nice phone call.
And for the record, I do not approve of you dating my daughter, You little fucking weasel.
Give my love to amy.
What did she say? She might ha called me a little fucking weasel.
Hey, excuse me, can you just let me in here? I've got to find mar and give her this casserole.
That's a casserole? Yeah.
Don't ask questions.
Oh, okay.
She's up on the roof.
What is she doing on the roof? whooo! * go, sister, hey, sister * Marie, it's tim.
Jesus christ, tim.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? I heard your husband died.
Yes, my husband is dead.
He died.
It's tragic.
I'm so fucking sad.
You don't seem sad.
I'm in denial.
You've got a good tan going there.
Oh, fine, tim, okay? - I'm busted.
- What? The cat's out of the bag, the turkey's entered the alleyway.
Turkey what? Is that a saying? It's confession time, tim.
I never had a husband.
How about that? Why would you make that up? - The dead husband? - Exactly.
I fake a dea in the family every year for extra vacation days.
And seeing as though everyone in my family Has been knocked off, I invented a husband.
You're the hea of human resources.
You gotta play by the rules.
That's what's given my cunning, tim.
You're not afraid that this might get you fired? No, tim.
Because if you ever breathed a word of it, You would be By me.
I hate to turn the tables on you, But if I breathe a wor of this to the boss, I think you'll be fired before you have a chance to fire me.
So why don't you suck on that? Are we talking blackmail here? I'm afraid we are, honey.
Tim, I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
- You've got very large balls.
Let's talk business here, marie.
What's your command? All things considered, I'm either looking at a sizeable raise Or some kind of title.
Tim, I've got a suggestion, Something that might be even better Than all of those things combined.
Lay your cards on the table.
You got 10 minutes to go crazy on these funbags.
No no.
Hey! Stop.
What is that? You've always wanted to go to vegas, tim.
Have at it.
Put 'em away.
Listen, give me a couch.
- A couch? - Yeah.
I'd rather have a couch in my cubicle.
That's it? - It's just personal preference.
All right, if I put that in for delivery Your request will be filed by midday today.
- And this is all behind us? - This is all behind us, tim.
- Wink wink? - Nod nod.
If you say one word, I will cut both of your legs off And stuff them up your ass.
You didn't need to end it like that.
oh my god.
Hot tuna is so delicious.
Ow ow! So hot.
Ugh, oh my gosh.
What is that smell? It's from the garbage, but it was basical untouched.
- Oh, so good.
- From the garbage? Hot tuna, garbage tuna Oh, what an a.
H.
That guy is.
- A.
H.
? - It's a-hole.
- Stands for a-hole.
- What does a-hole stand for? Stands for tim.
Come with me.
* hey, sister, go, sister, soul sister * Excuse me, tim.
Oh, becky.
You wanna sit on the couch? No, I don' I've sat on a couc before, tim.
Yeah - so how did everything go with marie? - Fine.
- Fine? - I took her the casserole - Yeah.
And she loved it.
If you brought marie the casserole, why was it here Available to be eaten out of the garbage by this disgusting man? - Ow! - Stu? I have no hair you know? You wanna know the truth, becky? Yes.
- I took the casserole to marie.
But she was inconsolable.
She could not eat.
I tried to force the tuna down her throat.
You did? - She did not want to eat it.
- Oh, I feel awful.
- Don't feel bad.
Oh, she really needs to be cheered up.
- No, we did it.
- No, we didn't.
We need to go and be with her - no.
We're gonna go over there.
I think we should all go over there right now.
No.
- Take a caravan of taxis to her house.
No.
Why don't we give it a rest? - Candles.
- Let's give it a rest.
- I'm gonna stop and b some candles And we'll have a candlelight vigil for bob.
No one does that.
- I'm just gonna text everyone right now - And gather everyone together.
- No, stop! Don't do that.
off.
Fingers off the phone.
- All right.
Stop.
Stop! - What? Marie's husband isn't dead.
There's no bob.
Marie made it up so she could get a week off.
It's a fake.
Fake death.
Fake husband.
Oh my g.
Don't be sad.
This is good new this is happy.
I can't believe somebody would do something like that.
The time that I put into the card Okay.
- You're mad at her, not me, right? I am mad at you.
I am mad at her.
I am really mad at everyone.
- No, I'm the middleman here.
- You made a fool out of me.
Come with me right now.
- No, I don't want to keep coming with you places.
- Both of you come with me.
- Don't keep taking me places.
I'm gonna ta you somewhere.
I just wanna sit on the couch and eat garbage casserole.
All right, three musketeers, I think I've heard quite enough from you.
- Rodney.
- Yeah, boss? - Get me a three musketeers.
- Done.
No, mint, mint make it mint.
Now, before I move into the punishment phase here, I wanna make sure that I hav all the facts straight.
- Let's not punish anyone.
- It's hot in here.
Number one, tim ruin marie's condolence card.
Is that accurate? - Becky: Yes.
- Tim: No.
Great.
Followed by number two, Tim threw away marie disgusting and inedible sympathy casserole.
- Correc - yes.
- No.
- Good.
Now number three, This comedy of errors ended with tim bribing The poor mourning woman out of a couch.
Okay, so did I leave anything out On the litany of disgusting behavior? No, you're smart.
You got it all right.
Thank you.
- No.
You're forgetting the worst part of this.
Marie faked her husband's death.
Her fake husband.
That's it? That's a technicality.
You, tim, you, You're a filthy devious little weasel.
Filthy? - Unfortunately, this falls outside my jurisdiction.
This is a problem that can only be solved By-- by one dude; one sheriff: Marie.
Marie, marie, marie.
No.
Marie can't handle this.
Marie is the problem.
Rodney.
- Yeah, boss, I'm still working on that musketeer-- Oh, later, rodney, later.
Get marie on the phone tell her I'm sorry to disturb her While she's on vacation, but we have a bit of a sticky situation That really, it's only her g that can solve this problem.
I'm on it.
Just couldn't let it go, could you? - No.
- Oh no, here I go.
Okay, even though I'm just the one who barfed, Let's try and rememb that this was all traceable back to tim.
Point well made.
- Hi there, tim.
- Oh, hey, becky.
- Ta-da! - Oh wow, another card.
It's just to say, you know, I'm really sorry about everything that happened.
I'm not here to make enemies.
I'm here to make friends.
Let's see what we got here.
I gotta say, this is probably the most Thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for me.
- Pretty thoughtful, right? - Abnormally thoughtful.
You know, tim, cards are important.
And that's why if you eff a card up, It can really ruin someone's day-- The person who made the card and the person who would be receiving the card.
So just, you know, think about that.
Enjoy your card.