The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
The Punishment Room
1 MIDGE: Ugh, I'm so late.
They're gonna kill me.
ROSE: I'm late, too.
My class is at 8:00.
MIDGE: I'm late for work! ROSE: That makes you more important? ABE: My fancy socks are missing.
Hey, is Zelda here yet? Which ones are your fancy socks? - I only have one pair of fancy socks.
- MIDGE: They're the ones with the floating martini glasses on them.
Those are my comical socks! Why do you have comical socks? Are you talking about the ones with pineapples on them? Those are comical socks, too.
Why do you have two pairs of comical socks? Abe, you're dressed.
Why are you asking about socks? Because I'm dressed for the university.
I go to Bell Labs later and they dress more eclectic.
Sounds like a job for pineapple socks to me.
I'll just bring a pair of fun, weekend slacks for Bell Labs and change in the taxi.
BOTH: Do not change in the taxi.
I don't have time to change at school.
BOTH: Do not change in the taxi.
- CHILD: Mama! - Coming! ROSE: Why do you have comical socks? - Did you call me? - No.
Could've sworn you called me.
It's Zelda's day off, by the way.
No one told me.
I told you multiple times.
She was supposed to watch the kids.
Get their father to watch them.
That's who should watch them.
Tomorrow is Joel's day to watch them.
If you want to make a change, give Joel a call.
I am not calling Joel.
There is no food and I'm literally starving.
You are not "literally starving.
" - CHILD: Mama! - Coming! ABE: I guess I don't get to use the bathroom.
ROSE: Like I'm stopping you.
Now, that time you called me.
If it wasn't you, who was it? - Esther.
- Esther? Really? Hey! Hey, hey! Esther said a word! - She said a word? - Good for her.
Should we take a cab? No, walking's faster.
When you're not in heels.
- And you are not starving.
- I am, too.
Then your muscle and tissue would be breaking down.
Your abdomen would be distended.
- Your menstruation would cease.
- Abe, stop.
- What is that? - She said she was literally starving.
There is no food and I am literally, figuratively starving.
- I got to go! - Me, too.
What have I been saying? - Someone's got to stay.
- I can't stay.
- None of us can stay.
- ESTHER: Mama.
Call Mrs.
Fulber, tell her it's an emergency.
ROSE: This isn't an emergency.
- MIDGE: It kind of is.
- ABE: Now I'm second-guessing these slacks.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? Yes, our Charleston Gardens Restaurant is open today, ma'am, as it is every day.
Oh, it's terrific.
It's some of the best food in town.
Do not get the crab meat salad.
The crab meat salad.
It's Monday.
Crab's delivered on Tuesdays.
- Do the math.
- O'TOOLE: Miriam Maisel.
MIDGE: Oh, Mrs.
O'Toole.
I was just suggesting things from the menu.
Headset down.
Come with me.
Your office? First floor.
First floor? - Makeup Department.
- You're back in the show.
- Girls.
- B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? Come.
There'll be a change in the weather And a change in the sea From now on It's Midge.
Hi, Midge.
My walk will be different My talk and my name - I'm confused.
- You're checking coats.
- Checking coats? - We're short a hand and you're the most presentable of the basement girls.
Is this a problem? No.
Not at all.
Thank you, but I I was just thinking I would be so much more valuable behind the makeup counter.
- I need you here.
- I've kept up with all the latest styles and trends since I've been off the floor.
Face masks, they're the future and the past.
Cleopatra used them.
Isn't that interesting? - Lake mud and egg whites.
- I need you here.
Well, I've never been trained for coat check.
Take coat, give ticket.
Take ticket, give coat.
Congratulations.
You've been trained.
Now, one more thing.
And listen very closely.
I'm listening.
Never leave the booth.
Yes, ma'am.
There'll be some changes made.
Take coat, give ticket.
Coat room? Purgatory with a better view.
- Poor thing.
- Hey, did you hear? - I'm not Mary's maid of honor.
- I told you, Viv, my sister had to be maid of honor.
It's a family thing.
How's planning going? Oh, we've had a couple of hiccups.
Hiccups? Your sister's a bitch.
- Viv.
- We're on the floor.
She got a little bossy, so I nudged her aside.
I'm doing it all myself now.
What? Oh, my God, Mary, no, you can't do that.
- O'TOOLE: Girls! - O'Toole.
- Ooh.
- Mary, wait.
- She'll need water.
- Got him.
Pookie's a her.
(WHISPERING): Mary.
Mary.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, ladies.
Rouge Master Class begins in five minutes - at the Revlon Counter.
- Sweetie, I'm sorry, but you can't plan your wedding by yourself.
It's too much.
Let me help.
Oh, Midge, thank you, but there's no time - and really no money.
- Don't worry about money.
What you need is experience and I have experience.
The marriage didn't stick, but my reception was unforgettable.
- It got a write-up in The Jewish Daily Forward, - (GASPS) in Yiddish, so it didn't get a wide readership, but the picture was sensational and I can make the time for you, my friend.
- I don't know.
- Please.
I want to.
No one should have a less than perfect wedding.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes! - Good.
- Really good.
I'm relieved.
I'll see you at lunch.
See you at lunch.
Look at this.
The high ceilings, the tile floor, like the Vatican.
I feel like I forgot something.
How are we doing here, Curren? MOISHE: Why would a fakakta bank in the tuchus of Brooklyn try to compete with the Pope? I need to start writing things down, but by the time I find a pen, I forget what I was supposed to write down.
It's so open, so flaunting, so gentile.
Jews use the bank, too, Pop.
Show me one.
Hey.
- You a Jew? - Pop.
Sorry.
So, how close are we to wrapping this up, Curren? Curren.
What is that? Just making sure all the I's are dotted here.
- He dots the I's.
- And I've got a team counting cash in the back.
It'll take a while.
- Only a goy dots the I's.
- I hope it's all there.
The treasure map's in pretty bad shape.
- Treasure map? - JOEL: It's just what she calls her records marking where she put the money.
Ma, what what are you looking for? I feel like I forgot something.
Moishe, did you bring the bag of money we use to bribe people? There's a bag of money we use to bribe people.
A little louder, Ma.
I don't think they heard you in Poughkeepsie.
Curren, that's not a name.
That's something you pour over rice.
And, Pop, Mr.
Cleary is my buddy Archie's brother and he's doing us a big favor here.
By taking our money? I wish I could do someone that favor.
- Mr.
Curry, a question - Cleary.
Cleary.
Is there gonna be another Great Depression soon? Is that something you can tell us? If I could, I'd be the president of the bank or the United States.
Step on enough Jews, you'll get there.
Now I remember.
I found this.
It was behind one of the radiators.
Ma, you said you found all the money.
On the first treasure map.
I found two more treasure maps this morning.
Oh, should we lock these up in the safe? They show where all our stashes are.
- They're like gold.
- I'm in charge of these from now on.
Are we gonna be okay? You are not Jewish.
- Thank you for shopping B.
Altman.
- WOMAN: It's a little plain.
Sometimes I just want to spark it up a little.
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
Yes, ma'am.
What's life without a little spark? So, what do I do? How do I do that? - ELSA: You could go bolder with the colors.
- Oh.
- WOMAN: Like what? - Fuchsia? - Oy.
- WOMAN: Interesting.
- ELSA: Or maybe orange.
- Aah! ANNOUNCER: Husbands, a new waiting lounge has opened up on the first floor.
What the hell? You're in a box.
Did Madame Alexander put you in there? I'm the coat room attendant.
This is my job, Susie, and I am proud of the work I do.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, seems really soul satisfying.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, B.
Altman customers, the store will be closing in 15 minutes.
What are you doing here? We have a gig tonight, remember? Yes, but we were meeting at the club.
This place is on the way.
It's 20 blocks out of your way.
And I like having extra time with you before the gigs to talk, dish.
Sammy Davis Jr.
's dating a white chick.
You're frog-marching me to the gig.
- That, too.
- Susie.
We have a bunch of gigs coming up and I don't like standing there with my thumb up my ass.
I'm not always late.
Fine.
We'll go together, under protest because I do not appreciate this lack of faith in my punctuality.
- Viv, punch out for me.
- VIVIAN: You got it.
- How may I help you? - Not this.
- This and this.
- Thanks.
Not that or that.
- This.
This.
Not that.
- Ah.
Ooh, not that.
- This and this.
Have a good day.
- Ah.
You're such a little freak.
I mean, you really are.
MIDGE: I want to get serious here for a minute, people.
Nuclear war.
The nightmare, the horror.
Oh, now, I'm not talking about dying in one.
I'm talking about surviving and living in an underground bunker with your extended family until the radiation disperses.
Mr.
Khrushchev, have you met my family? If you're gonna hit us, comrade, fucking obliterate us.
I'm obsessed with the time lady.
You know her.
Dial the number and it's, "At the tone, Eastern Standard Time will be 6:53 and 20 seconds.
" Beep.
Now, 6:53 and 30 seconds is next, right? Maybe.
But I like to think that it may not be and then be surprised when it is.
The suspense is intoxicating.
Oh, and I drink while I do this.
Did I not mention that? I should've mentioned that.
My son was bullied the other day at the park and the anger I felt at that boy.
Not the boy picking on my son, I mean my son.
You know? 'Cause Mama didn't raise no pussies.
I told him, "Get in there.
Use what you got.
"The greatest defense in the male armory: "foot to nuts.
Foot to nuts.
Fight dirty, you little bastard.
" I got to tell you, the first time my mother says, "You've gained so much weight since the apocalypse," I'll pry the door open and stick my head outside, going (BREATHES RAPIDLY) Are my eyes popping out yet? Am I bleeding from the ears? Say that it's happening.
Please tell me that sweet release is imminent.
I mean, it's the greatest drinking game ever.
A shot of vodka every time it goes beep.
Then I throw up on the half hour.
I should patent this.
I should bury the body.
It's not pretty, son, but we can't leave a dead four- year-old unburied like this.
The flies, alone.
Get your sand pail, start digging.
We'll make it fun.
Wait.
He's still breathing.
He's a stubborn little fucker, isn't he? Quick, look in my purse, there's a government pamphlet I read on this with guidelines.
One was not to bring anything into the fallout shelter that would be unnaturally disturbing.
You realize what that means.
Hundreds of radioactive, Jewish mothers above ground, roaming the streets of the Upper West Side.
If that's not a deterrent for nuclear war, I don't know what is.
I mean does the time lady count off the seconds while she's having sex? Really, no man wants to go through that.
And women, most men we sleep with, they go off before the beep.
You know what I'm saying? Then we have to turn ourselves in.
I mean, it's one thing to kill the boy, but taking out the rest of his family, his mother, his sister, his dog I think people noticed.
Thanks, everybody.
You've been more than diverting.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
Good night.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Great crowd.
- Yeah, this guy in the back wasn't laughing.
- Not one cough.
It's when they don't cough that I know I got them.
I asked him if he was foreign or something, but he's from Hoboken.
Susie, 99% of the audience was laughing.
That's a good thing.
You got 100% of that place on 19th.
Ah, that was a great gig.
You got 100 at that Midtown place on 23rd.
23rd is not Midtown.
- It's close.
- It's not close.
- It's a short walk.
- It's a cab ride.
Goddamn Harry Drake.
He's stopping my career cold.
I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? Hey, everybody.
Who here doesn't love our Mrs.
Maisel? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) And who here doesn't love the dulcet tones of the autoharp? Give it up for Clint Gowdy.
Hey, hey.
What the hell? Jackie, how many times have I told you? Autoharps are permanently banned, meaning forever.
Hey, as long as you're off doing your Maisel thing, I'm gonna book what I want to book.
Autoharps, panpipes, ocarinas.
- You're just toying with me now.
- That's right.
And I'm gonna start charging for overnight stays at the Hotel Le Gaslight.
Count on it.
- Overnight stays? - It's nothing.
Ignore him.
She's been sleeping here.
I'm getting tired of having to fold her bedding every morning.
You don't sleep clean.
Susie, you can't sleep here.
Relax, I'm not anymore.
I swapped apartments with the Italian family upstairs.
- I'm sorry, what? - I swapped apartments.
I'm in their place and they're in mine.
A family is in your apartment? Your place is a shithole.
Oh, you'd change your tune if you saw their place.
Brutal.
We really should treat immigrants better.
But what if Harry Drake's goons show up at your apartment? - I won't be there.
- Yes, - but the Italian family will.
- I know, right? We need a more permanent solution to this Harry thing.
- One where there's no innocent victims.
- I know.
Is this your brassiere, Susie? You left it in the back.
Jesus Christ, Jackie.
Well, how do you think I feel? I thought it was a dishrag.
Well, at least now I know what to get you for your birthday.
DORA: You won't be judged by the professor's highest standard, Rose.
I'm not sure I could meet his lowest standard.
Sketching, drawing, he'll say, "Let your hand follow what your eye sees.
" I'll try.
I practiced a little last night, drawing a bowl of fruit.
My lemon was fine, but my banana was a disaster.
It's getting the right texture (GASPS) - You okay? - What's the matter? - She can't breathe.
- Watch her chair! My God, oh, my God.
Too close, too close.
(HYPERVENTILATING) - That's our subject? - That's our subject.
That's our subject.
That texture's gonna be even harder to capture.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Susie! (EXCITED CHATTER IN ITALIAN) Hi, everybody.
How's it going? Splendido! Siamo cosi grati! Okay, quick head count.
One, two, three, four and there's little Sal.
Okay.
Whew, all alive.
So far, so good.
Susie, ecco la tua mail.
Devi essere moto importante.
Ah.
Grazie, Grandma.
Uh, you you might want to keep those shades closed.
(SINGING IN ITALIAN) (OTHERS JOINING IN) (LAUGHTER) LANCE: In my spare time, I've been thinking about the very nature of infinity w what it infers, what it portends.
- Yes, yes.
- And for that reason, I was wondering if you had any insight on a true hero of mine, uh, the great German mathematician Georg Cantor and his prodigious work, which included his theory on the infinity of infinities.
Georg Cantor.
I'm really glad you brought him up, Lance.
I love that you did that.
Because he reminds me of a man that I actually do care about, and that's the great mathematician Henri Poincaré.
It's Poincaré's history of work on the solution of the three-body problem in planetary orbits that distinguished him, and although he did not produce a definitive solution, he advanced the inquiry so greatly that of course, Karl Sundman stood on his shoulders when he finally proved the existence of I apologize.
I need to leave a bit early today.
I'm meeting my wife in a few minutes.
An infinite series solution.
Even this solution is of limited practical utility, because it converges so slowly.
Poincaré showed astounding aptitude for mathematics at a very young age, as all great mathematicians do.
It was an innate ability that is not uncommon in the field.
He was also a man of unusual work habits.
He'd work two hours in the morning, two in the evening and use the intervening time for his subconscious to continue working on the problem.
This calls to mind another mathematician I discussed in my office with Truman just last Tuesday.
Truman, you took notes that day.
Please share them with the class.
Stop it.
Get away! I bruise easy! ABE: If you're so inclined, reach back further to the musings of the mathematician Zeno.
He describes a series of paradoxes concerning infinity and infinitesimals.
This being ancient Greece, little is left of his written record, but of the scraps we do have left oh, my God.
- Professor Weissman? - Are you all right? Give him air, guys.
Yeah, he just saw a naked man.
- I'm okay, oh, my God.
- We need crowd control here.
- No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Are we dismissed? Yes, yes.
Go.
Go, go.
Well, hello there, young lady.
Right on time.
Uh, where shall we go? Faculty dining room, if that's okay with you? I was just thinking about the egg salad they make there.
Ladies first.
46 bucks for two months? Is that possible? - It can't be possible.
- ED (OVER PHONE): Your biggest charges are for multiple calls to the same places.
Midtown places.
Did you make all those calls? Well, probably, but Ed, when I signed up, I was told it was nine dollars a month.
Yes, but you didn't take into account the message units.
- The what units? - Well, in your plan, anything beyond two miles of your geographical service incurs additional fees on top of the nine dollars.
You're telling me every call beyond two miles from my apartment is considered long distance? - Yeah, pretty much.
- So let me get this straight, Ed.
If I call someone who's less than two miles away, and then they make a call from a second phone to a person four miles away from me but only two miles away from them, and they hold the receiver up to the line I'm on, I'll just get charged locally, right? Sure, I mean, if you want to go to the bother.
I don't want to go to the fucking bother, Ed.
I'm just trying to figure out how can I afford this stupid fucking phone you sold me! Look, I hear you, and I sympathize, but the charges are the charges.
- Jesus.
- And, uh I guess I'm compelled to tell you this - What? - Our office is in Harlem, so this call is long distance as well.
- (CRYING) - (SPEAKS ITALIAN) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - SHIRLEY: Joely.
- Yeah, Ma? You've got a gentleman caller.
A handsome young man.
Why'd you make it sound salacious? Did did I make it sound salacious? Come on in, Arch.
Archie, would you do me a big favor? - Sure.
- Would you ask your brother if real estate prices are gonna go up or down in the next ten years? That would be a big help.
I will ask him.
Oh, Curry is a good man.
He's a nice blend of spices and herbs, as well.
Ah.
Well, I'll leave you boys to get on with things.
Your sword fights and whatnot.
Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
Thanks, Ma.
Smells like a foxhole in here.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Can I get some coffee? Coming up.
And these are? My mother's treasure maps.
Supposed to show where they've hidden all the cash over the years.
- Did Curren see these? - You bet he did.
That's what I thought.
He's denying us a line of credit.
Told us there were too many "mitigating circumstances," which my father called the two most goyish words in the English language.
(SNIFFS) Smells like Ma's making kugel.
She makes good kugel.
Don't leave before you have some kugel.
You know, Joel, you and I are good friends.
Close.
To the point where we didn't even correct your mother when she implied that we're a couple of queers.
And because of that, I need to say, you have got to get out of this fucking house! Of course I have to get out of this house! I mean, look at me.
I I'm back with my toys and my mother and the fucking kugel and it wasn't supposed to be like this.
I've got to find a place.
And it's got to be right for the kids, too, because they have to be with me some of the time or I'll go crazy.
Good.
You still got some fight left.
Now stop moving around.
It's making the smell in here worse.
(SIGHS) I got Curren to reconsider the mitigating circumstances.
You're getting your line of credit.
- Arch.
You're kidding.
- I've got things on him.
And I vouched for you.
And I'm gonna help you get the hell out of here because it's just sad.
I owe you, Arch.
I owe you big-time.
(DOOR OPENS) Oops.
Never mind me.
I saw nothing.
(DOOR CLOSES) Oh.
Hey, Albert, help.
Ah.
You're a prince, Albert.
"Prince Albert.
" I just came up with that.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.
Midge.
- Hi.
- Midge, let me introduce you to Father O'Brien, and this is Sister Saint Stephen.
Father, Sister, this is my good friend Midge Maisel.
She's here to help me with the reception.
- Nice to meet you.
- And nice to meet you, miss.
(GIRL CRYING) Carrie Ann misbehaved in geography class.
Yes.
Of course.
Will you excuse us for just a second? I've got some important business to discuss with Mary here.
(WHISPERING): What is this? What is happening? This is my parish.
I'm getting married in the church upstairs.
It's very old, very beautiful.
Sure, sure, but where are we now? This is where the reception's going to be.
- In this room? - Yes.
- No.
No.
No.
- Yes.
Yes.
Mary, there's no light here.
It's damp and lifeless.
And there's a little girl crying in the corner.
This is the Punishment Room.
You can't have your reception in the Punishment Room.
- Midge.
- The walls are stained with tears.
My sister had her reception here.
- And how happy is your sister? - Well Because she got married in the Punishment Room.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, ma'am.
Sir.
Sister.
There is a bigger room that you go through to get here.
It has a window.
That's the Window Room.
That's really what they call it? The bigger donors get that room.
My family's not a big donor.
Ah.
So it's about money.
Bartering.
I can work with that.
- Now who's the power here, the priest or the nun? - Midge.
- Mary.
- The priest.
Father, can we talk? Of course, dear.
Don't we love our sweet Mary? Oh, I've known Mary all her life.
I baptized her when she was just a week old.
Ah, well, I'm Jewish.
When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.
I was just wondering, this room would it be possible to give it a coat of paint? Lighten it up a little? Father picked this color himself.
And it's a nice one.
Yellow mustard gas.
But a sky blue would make the room feel cheerier.
This is the Punishment Room.
And there's no budget to paint.
Okay.
Well, do you supply flowers? A lot of colorful flowers would really liven things up.
- We have no flowers.
- There's no money for flowers.
Well, you have flowers at funerals.
Anyone scheduled to die the week before Mary's wedding? We'll take those.
- Mary.
- MARY: Midge Is Carrie Ann still gonna be there? - Because that'll be very distracting.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Convert.
Be something else.
Buddhism's nice.
I have no choice.
It is going to be here, in this room, at Our Lady Of Perpetual Sorrow.
That is not the name.
Midge, the ceremony's the thing, and the church is beautiful.
Down here is just a quick breakfast, a splash of champagne and what? - Did you say breakfast? - Eggs and ham.
(EXHALES) Mary just told me about Bill.
About Well, I guess I was the only one not to know.
He's a veteran of Korea.
Right, Mary? Our brave Bill? Yes.
I'd suggest we say a prayer for him now, but your prayers and mine, they differ.
Mine would be Mi Shebeirach.
Mi Shebeirach avoteinu, Avraham, Yitzchak v'Yaakov You'd like a lot of our stuff, Father.
We've got some real barnburners.
- All right.
- But I guess what I'm wondering now is, what if you let them have the Window Room for an early evening reception? For just a couple of hours.
Nothing fancy.
Our bingo ladies are there then.
You can bump them.
Just for this one night? For Mary? And Bill.
Mary's Bill.
- Well, we do all love Bill.
- Mm.
I guess an early evening event in the Window Room can be arranged.
Wow.
So generous.
Thanks, Father.
I'm assuming a band is out of the question? "The sandy beach reminded Harold of picnics, and the thought of picnics made him hungry.
" And just made your mommy hungry.
(CLEARS THROAT) "So he laid out a nice simple picnic lunch.
" Hope he brought wine.
"There was nothing but pie.
" There's never anything but pie.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? I think there may be a bag of money hidden in your front closet.
- What? - I've been studying Ma's treasure maps and one of them didn't correspond to anywhere - in their house or the factory.
- Treasure maps? And now I think one of them is your parents' house and that on one of my parents' visits, they stashed a bag of money in a closet.
- I know, it sounds crazy.
- Not at all.
Just look.
It's the one in the foyer.
Holy cow.
I'm at the closet.
Check the back, left side.
Is it just gonna be sitting in here on the floor? JOEL: No, it's probably in a cutout in the wall.
They cut open the wall? My dad has a portable rotary blade.
This just keeps getting weirder.
Be careful 'cause some of the bags are booby-trapped.
Is it gonna explode? There may be a mouse trap in it.
It's probably snapped.
Unbelievable.
- Oh, wait, the wall is jiggling.
- That must be it.
And there's a bag.
Found it.
Good.
I'll come by and pick it up tomorrow.
Joel, there must be at least $2,000 here.
They're crazy, Midge.
My parents are crazy.
I I know, but at least it skipped a generation.
I think that's probably all they stashed there.
They probably got nervous about the noise the blade made.
One of the hazards of secretly using power tools in someone else's house.
- Kiss the kids for me? - Okay.
- And hug them? - Of course.
And tell them I'll always love them? Joel, are you dying? I've got to dig into Aunt Golda's sub-basement tomorrow and there could be a Komodo dragon guarding it.
- Just get some sleep? - I probably won't.
Good night.
Good night.
DORA: I've never drawn a nude man before.
MILLY: I've never seen a nude man before.
Drawing a man's genitals is not easy.
Or appetizing.
Did you draw a face on his penis? - No.
- It's smiling.
- I draw what I see.
- Rose, let's see yours.
Oh, I completely skipped the down-there part.
It made me very uncomfortable.
- Even though it was smiling? - It's not smiling.
I wouldn't submit that for your master's thesis, Milly.
A master's degree, that sounds so important.
- Are you all on that path? - Pretty much.
My, I can't even imagine.
And once you have your master's, what do you do with it? - Pardon? - I mean, it's so audacious, a master's.
You're learning so much.
What are you going to do with all that knowledge? - What is she talking about? - What do you do once you graduate? There's a lot of things we can do.
Teach.
- Oh, yes, teach.
Where? - Here, I guess.
But none of the teachers here are women.
They all seem to be men.
- I guess a lot of them are men.
- I think all of them are men.
I never put that together.
Some of us want to be artists.
I want to be an artist.
But there are really no lady artists, not in the States.
I knew a couple back in the day in Paris.
One quit, no one knows where she is today.
The other one killed herself.
Mainly because no one would buy art from a girl.
She tried calling herself Bertrum and wearing a bowler, but it didn't work.
You don't like your sandwich? I'm not hungry anymore.
Some of you are doing this to find a husband, I assume? That's why my daughter went to college.
Oh, sure, she wanted to make friends and take classes, but her real goal was to meet a man, and she met one.
Then he dumped her, so she's working a low-level job because all she had was a degree in Russian literature, but not a master's.
I mean, it would be nice to meet a man.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, if you want to meet a man, this is not the place to do it.
The art department, mm-mm.
The whole building, nope.
Now, the business school, that's the place.
Lots of choices and they're all studying something with real potential.
I hope you don't mind the thoughts of an older woman.
I'm just very new at all this.
Not at all.
Yes, thank you, Rose.
SUSIE: Mmm.
This place has the best pastrami, right? - See you, Susie.
- Yeah, see you, Louie.
I don't know, Katz's is pretty good.
Mm, I like Katz's for their corned beef.
- Hey, Susie, call me tomorrow.
- Actually, Mel, can you call me? - Why? - Just do it.
- Whatever.
- Mm, Greengrass for the lox.
I grew up on Barney Greengrass.
Don't tell me about Barney Greengrass.
- Maybe the matzo ball soup.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.
That thing you did? That was real shitty.
That's the joy of not giving a shit, Freddy.
You're just asking for reciprocation.
- I'm asking you to sit down.
- Don't tell me to sit down! - Fuck you and your reciprocation and your two-dollar suits.
- No, no, fuck you - You throw your weight around.
- And fuck your mother at the same time.
- You're nothing.
You're a nobody.
- Just crawl back up her pussy - and shut the fuck up.
- Eat shit and die! Nice guy, I'll introduce you later.
He seemed very personable.
- Shit.
- What? You're not gonna believe who else is here.
- Who? Who? - Harry Drake.
- SUSIE: Harry Drake.
- MIDGE: Did he see us? He sees us now.
He's coming over.
Should I scream? - Why, are you having an orgasm? - He threatened you, Susie.
- Hello, Midge, Susie.
- Hey, Harry, nice to see you.
How're you liking this weather? "Spring is sprung, the grass is riz" "I wonder where the birdie is" Not that any of us get outside much.
- Just enough to hop in a taxi.
- Lunch sometime? - Name the day.
- My treat.
Yup.
See you.
- What the fuck? - What? When did you make up with Harry Drake? I didn't.
- Then what was that? - That was showbiz.
He's been threatening you with violence.
That's showbiz, too.
Oh, look who Harry's with now.
That's Billy Jay.
He books the Upstairs at the Downstairs.
I'd give my right nut to get you in there.
Yeah, that's on 56th.
That's 30 blocks above our last one.
SUSIE: Billy Jay.
He never comes in here.
Crap.
Go talk to him.
You don't just talk to Billy Jay, you need an in.
Luckily, I got one.
Yeah? What? His eye for the ladies.
Hmm? (CLICKS TONGUE) - Are you having a stroke? - Get over there and do your thing.
- What thing? - The guy's a dog.
He'd fuck a corpse if it was less than six hours old.
Are you kidding me? I'm not gonna go over there and make this guy think I'm gonna sleep with him if he books me.
Why not? You have those weapons.
- So do you.
- No, these are self-destructive.
I wouldn't do something like that.
Come on, you told me all about how you practically slept with a priest so he'd give your friend some pigs in a blanket for her wedding, but you're not gonna do this? That was just sweet talk.
It happened in the moment.
Oh, so you're just against being a premeditated slut.
You're fine being a spontaneous slut.
I'm not sidling up to Billy Jay.
Okay.
Don't.
But we do have to make some money at some point.
- You understand that, right? - Yes, I understand that.
- Like, now.
- Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
Oh, are you, Princess? You hanging in there? Is life okay in your 18-room apartment on the Upper West Side with your doorman and your maid and your childcare and your bottomless closet? Oh, I forgot to tell you, I found $2,000 in my closet.
(QUIETLY): This is what I'm talking about.
I'm not gonna find $2,000 in my closet.
Think about my life for a moment.
I'm broke.
I'm working less at the Gaslight so I'm falling further behind.
I'm begging people to call me 'cause I can't afford to call them.
I am picking up half-eaten apples out of trash cans at the Port Authority.
It's getting dire here.
Then I'll pay your phone bill.
How about that? It's 46 bucks.
Oh.
That I would have to borrow from my father.
Yeah, from the father that doesn't have any idea why you'd be paying the phone bill of a friend that he's never met that you're not even supposed to know.
Great plan.
You know, don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
I get it.
Okay? I I'm lucky.
I have a support system, you don't.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Forget I said anything.
No, Susie, it's good for me to know.
A manager doesn't go to her client saying she's worried about money.
She goes out and she gets money.
I take on the burdens.
You're the artist.
- Your thing's harder.
- WAITRESS: Thank you.
We're both trying something hard.
Yeah.
I'm getting this.
I'm not arguing.
VIVIAN: Oh, my God.
I was crying my eyes out.
I couldn't believe it.
And then when the priest said, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" and she said, "I do.
" It was a cliffhanger until then.
It was so magical.
- It was perfect.
- It was perfect.
Oh, these flowers are beautiful.
Church kept them from a funeral last week.
Some guy named Horace.
He was well-liked by those who enjoy expressing themselves florally.
Let's raise a glass.
Horace, you were gone too soon, but right on time.
- Here's to Horace.
- To Horace! (LAUGHTER) Oh, boy, cheap champagne works fast.
- (GLASS CLINKING) - Excuse me, everybody.
If I could just grab your attention for a minute or so.
- Yay, Daddy's gonna speak.
- Whoo-hoo! - Go, Brian! - All right! (APPLAUSE) Eh, don't get your hopes up here.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not much of a public speaker.
I lay bricks, like my father did.
- A speech for me is saying "Ouch.
" - (LAUGHTER) But I just wanted to get up here and thank you for coming to celebrate our daughter's wedding with us.
There's a lot of emotion on a day like today, but I just wanted to say, Mary, you're the best.
I love you, sweetie.
And Bill, we couldn't ask for a better son-in-law.
Here's to you both.
May you be as happy as Jean and I have been for all these 30-odd years.
- To Mary and Bill.
- ALL: To Mary and Bill.
So pardon the interruption.
I'll let you get back to your champagne and these fantastic appetizers.
And let's all have fun.
(APPLAUSE) Whoo! Thank you, Daddy.
I love you.
And for all those enjoying the appetizers, the flowers, this wonderful room, it's all courtesy of my brilliant B.
Altman friend, Midge Maisel.
This wouldn't have happened without her.
- Thank you, Midge.
- (APPLAUSE) Oh, gosh.
Thank you.
I was happy to do it.
Really, thank you.
Now I say we raise a glass to Mary's daddy.
Didn't he do a great job, guys? Even got a couple of solid laughs.
Yeah.
To Daddy.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers! MIDGE: That was a tight one minute, Brian.
- You're ready for Jack Paar.
- (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I don't know about that.
And the ceremony was lovely.
Mary was gorgeous, and Bill was sweaty.
(LAUGHTER) No, no, no, you're pretty, too, Bill.
But if anyone brought a set of towels as a gift, that would've been a good time to hand them over.
She's the funniest girl in the world.
Don't oversell me there, Viv.
Hey, can you all see me okay? Oh, okay.
Ah, there we go.
I see a few maiden aunts, I see a few drunk uncles.
And of course, there's Father O'Brien.
A good man, a pious man, a handsome man.
And whatever you heard, people, I did not - schtup Father O'Brien.
- (PEOPLE GASP) I don't think God would look too kindly on that.
The lightning bolt would be the size of Florida, right, Father? A and if a priest is gonna have sex, I think God would prefer it wasn't with a Jew.
That's like putting mayonnaise on a bialy, you don't do it.
Uh okay.
Um I I always think a lot about sex at weddings.
And it makes sense.
Everyone's dolled up, drinking booze, we're happy, we're dancing.
Even Brian here's talking about laying bricks.
No amount of lubrication's gonna help you there.
Talk about "Ouch.
" (PEOPLE GASPING) And and then there's Mary and Bill.
They are perfect together, aren't they? And talk about love at first sight.
I mean, they met in November, and here they are three months later, getting hitched.
What do we got here, kids? A shotgun wedding? I am so sorry, honey.
I am in shock, I'm in absolute shock.
I didn't know you were gonna throw it to me like that.
I didn't throw it to you, Midge.
I thanked you for the rumaki.
Guess I sort of misread the audience.
- No shit.
- Mary, we're in church.
- I can't go back down there.
- HARRIET: You have to go back down.
Mary, it was a mistake, you have to believe me.
I mean, there's no way I could possibly have known you were pregnant.
I've known him three months, Midge.
Why the hell do you think I'm getting married three months after meeting him? Wow, well, guess I didn't know you were that big a slut.
Joke.
That was a joke.
What happened to humor, huh? It this isn't a funeral, it's the happiest day of your life.
(MARY BLOWS NOSE) Oh, and congratulations on the baby.
(SOBBING) What are you doing here? I think I'm in trouble.
What are you doing here? I got a note to come speak to Simon.
Simon, it's Abe Weissman.
SIMON: Come on in, Abe.
- Thank you for coming by.
- Yes.
Um, what is my wife doing out there? This is a little embarrassing, Abe.
I mean, I've known Rose socially for what, 20 years? (SIGHS) "Unusual" is the word for it.
What's unusual? What's the issue? Well (SIGHS) Rose has been very disruptive.
(CHUCKLES): Disruptive how? All I know is she spoke to a group of girls at a gathering here on campus, and now half of them want to quit, and the other half are demanding to be transferred to the business school.
And just about all of them were crying.
Well, that must be a coincidence.
- No, I don't think so.
- (BELL TOLLING) She's disillusioned them about the art department.
So she can no longer audit these classes, I'm sorry.
No.
- No.
- Pardon me? No.
Sorry, she's not stopping.
- Abe - Simon, let me be clear.
I would love her to quit.
I don't like walking into a room, and my wife is there staring at some young guy's schlong - Abe, your language.
- But you don't understand what we've been through.
If she doesn't get to do this, she'll go back to Paris, and Paris is chock-full of schlongs.
French schlongs.
This would be very bad for me.
I'm afraid this isn't your call, Abe.
Rose! - Rose - Abe Will you come in here, please? Rose, these girls, you talked to them.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
We've got to clear this up.
Now, tell me, what did you say? All I did was I asked the girls why they were getting an education, and why they were in this particular class.
And a few of them talked about being teachers, and I pointed out that I didn't see any female teachers in the art department.
Okay, now, see, that was Actually, that was right.
We don't have any female art teachers here, do we? Well, I'd have to check.
Exactly.
So I said, "What's the point?" Well, it does seem a little pointless.
And a few others talked about being artists, and I pointed out that I didn't know many female artists.
I I've known a couple.
One died.
ABE: The one in the hat.
Bertrum.
And the other gave up.
I remember you telling me about that.
You've got to admit that's not a good track record.
Eight girls are asking to be transferred to the business school.
Yes, because there are so many handsome men over there.
Ooh, the men in the business school are very handsome.
But you understand that we count on these ladies' tuition payments to keep the place running.
Yes, but you're just taking their money and not giving them anything in return.
Where are they going to go? They can't all work at B.
Altman.
She's right.
B.
Altman, I've seen it.
They already have a lot of girls working there.
You know, when I went to school, different things were expected of women.
I was just getting their points of view on why they were doing this.
- Sounds very reasonable.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, basically, I think I'm on her side.
And you must be, too.
We're all on the same page, right? - Abe - And I don't see a reason for her not to stay.
Oh, really? That's wonderful.
The only thing for me is I don't want her looking at a naked penis ever again.
Oh, I'd rather not look at that either.
I think a fig leaf could be a very tasteful way to solve the problem.
If you would pass that along, Simon Okay.
So, basically, we're on the same side about everything and in complete agreement, yes? Good? Are we done? Sure.
Thank you.
You want to get some lunch? - Faculty lounge? - Yeah, let's do it.
This has been a very good meeting, Simon.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES) I've totally lost my societal filter.
SUSIE (ON PHONE): Your what? I don't know how to speak in front of normal, everyday people anymore.
What, like you don't know what to say to your neighbors? - They're not worth it.
- No, Susie, I've completely forgotten where the fucking line is.
Geez, listen to me.
I said "the fucking line.
" I hardly ever said the F-word before, and now it just slides out of my mouth.
I mean, what the fuck?! You tried washing your mouth out with fancy pink soap? - (LAUGHTER, SHOUTING) - What is that? - What is that noise? - Oh, it's Luigi TV.
It's what? One of the kids here, little Luigi, stands outside the window, puts on a little show for everyone, like he's on TV.
His domestic comedy's on now.
It's pretty funny.
Oh, wait, commercial break.
Go on.
I mean, I spoke at my wedding, and the worst thing I said was "shrimp in the eggrolls.
" Guess you had to be there.
So, tonight, the gig is at 7:00.
Is it really, or is it at 8:00 and you're telling me 7:00 so I'll be on time? Just be there at 7:00.
Okay, I'll be there at fucking 7:00.
I just have to make a quick stop before.
Just don't get distracted by whatever the stop is.
I won't, I promise.
Okay, later.
(LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (MUTTERS) - MIDGE: Boo.
- Oh, God.
Didn't mean to scare you.
No, it's good.
You restarted my heart.
I think it flat out gave up.
So, am I crying, or is that just on the inside? Mostly inside.
Here.
Yup, $2,000.
- 2,135, for the record.
- Thanks.
So that's the famous treasure map, huh? One of 'em.
It's a surreal masterpiece.
Salvador Dali's got nothing on Ma.
Look, two norths.
Which "X" were you looking for? That one.
That's not here.
That's deeper in the building.
So, according to this, it should be right here.
- Wait.
- (STOMPS FLOOR) You have a saw or some dynamite? JOEL: I found it.
The money? My place.
Well, I guess I'll have to change my plan I should have realized I'd lose my favorite man (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I overlooked that point completely B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? - I will connect you.
- Midge, what happened? B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? What are you doing down here? You were in the coat room, - so close to the show.
- I will connect you.
- Midge! - I tried to reach the moon Thank you for shopping B.
Altman.
Okay, thank you.
Psst! (LOUDER): Psst! Mary, please.
I'm sorry, please forgive me.
I I'm not suitable to be out in public anymore.
I wish I'd known that before your reception, but better late than never.
I'm sorry.
Please, what can I say to get you to forgive me? Tell me what I can say.
Never leave the booth.
- I've lost the one man - Drag.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES) B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
I've lost the one man.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES) Your Charley Patton? Why are you selling your Charley Patton? 'Cause I need the money, genius.
- It's kind of rare.
- Don't rub it in.
Could you hurry it up, guys? I got stuff to do.
Look, we pride ourselves on our quality control, so we go over everything with a fine-tooth comb.
I just hope it's not the one you use to rake the crabs out of your pubes.
It's not.
"Cornet Chop Suey.
" No way.
OZ: First pressing, too.
It's so perfect I could cry.
MAN (ON RECORD): This recording is brought to you by the guys at Music Inn.
MIDGE (ON RECORD): So this is it, huh? - This is the dream.
- (RECORD SKIPS) So, my life completely fell apart today.
Did I mention that my husband left me? - MAN: Whoo-hoo! - MIDGE: Okay.
All right.
But did I mention that he left me for his secretary? (SCATTERED GROANS) She's 21, and dumb as a Brillo pad.
And I'm not naive.
I know that men like stupid girls, right? But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid.
I thought he wanted spontaneity.
And I'm sorry, but look at me.
I am the same size now that I was at my wedding.
And come on, who wouldn't want to come home to this every night? What the fuck? Hey, this is my client! How many of these have you sold?! Don't you run from me.
Don't you Hey, don't you run from me, motherfuckers! Hi! Nice to see ya C'mon in, c'mon in, sorry the place is a mess Need an ashtray, drink some coffee, some coffee I know you've been upset What I mean is maybe part of your problem Is simply you were teased I know what you'd like, but the good stuff promised Is hard fought and not for free Get tough, don't be so patient Get smart, head up, shoulders straight Since when is it a disaster If the "S" on your cape is a little frayed? What's a girl to do? Born to shop? No! Pretty victories What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Go out jumpin' with your dumplin', your dumplin' Go wheelin' with your pet Never worry even a bit, just a bit If there're any good ones left Use your credit at the boybank, the boybank If those you've bounced, you've broke Spit out the F-word like a shotgun, a shotgun If they can't take a joke! Get tough, don't be so patient Get smart, head up, shoulders straight Since when is it a disaster If the "S" on your cape is a little frayed? What's a girl to do? Born to shop? No! Pretty victories What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Starting to see what I mean? What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Starting to see what I mean? Sure, stop by anytime Will yesterday be better? I think you'll do just fine.
They're gonna kill me.
ROSE: I'm late, too.
My class is at 8:00.
MIDGE: I'm late for work! ROSE: That makes you more important? ABE: My fancy socks are missing.
Hey, is Zelda here yet? Which ones are your fancy socks? - I only have one pair of fancy socks.
- MIDGE: They're the ones with the floating martini glasses on them.
Those are my comical socks! Why do you have comical socks? Are you talking about the ones with pineapples on them? Those are comical socks, too.
Why do you have two pairs of comical socks? Abe, you're dressed.
Why are you asking about socks? Because I'm dressed for the university.
I go to Bell Labs later and they dress more eclectic.
Sounds like a job for pineapple socks to me.
I'll just bring a pair of fun, weekend slacks for Bell Labs and change in the taxi.
BOTH: Do not change in the taxi.
I don't have time to change at school.
BOTH: Do not change in the taxi.
- CHILD: Mama! - Coming! ROSE: Why do you have comical socks? - Did you call me? - No.
Could've sworn you called me.
It's Zelda's day off, by the way.
No one told me.
I told you multiple times.
She was supposed to watch the kids.
Get their father to watch them.
That's who should watch them.
Tomorrow is Joel's day to watch them.
If you want to make a change, give Joel a call.
I am not calling Joel.
There is no food and I'm literally starving.
You are not "literally starving.
" - CHILD: Mama! - Coming! ABE: I guess I don't get to use the bathroom.
ROSE: Like I'm stopping you.
Now, that time you called me.
If it wasn't you, who was it? - Esther.
- Esther? Really? Hey! Hey, hey! Esther said a word! - She said a word? - Good for her.
Should we take a cab? No, walking's faster.
When you're not in heels.
- And you are not starving.
- I am, too.
Then your muscle and tissue would be breaking down.
Your abdomen would be distended.
- Your menstruation would cease.
- Abe, stop.
- What is that? - She said she was literally starving.
There is no food and I am literally, figuratively starving.
- I got to go! - Me, too.
What have I been saying? - Someone's got to stay.
- I can't stay.
- None of us can stay.
- ESTHER: Mama.
Call Mrs.
Fulber, tell her it's an emergency.
ROSE: This isn't an emergency.
- MIDGE: It kind of is.
- ABE: Now I'm second-guessing these slacks.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? Yes, our Charleston Gardens Restaurant is open today, ma'am, as it is every day.
Oh, it's terrific.
It's some of the best food in town.
Do not get the crab meat salad.
The crab meat salad.
It's Monday.
Crab's delivered on Tuesdays.
- Do the math.
- O'TOOLE: Miriam Maisel.
MIDGE: Oh, Mrs.
O'Toole.
I was just suggesting things from the menu.
Headset down.
Come with me.
Your office? First floor.
First floor? - Makeup Department.
- You're back in the show.
- Girls.
- B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? Come.
There'll be a change in the weather And a change in the sea From now on It's Midge.
Hi, Midge.
My walk will be different My talk and my name - I'm confused.
- You're checking coats.
- Checking coats? - We're short a hand and you're the most presentable of the basement girls.
Is this a problem? No.
Not at all.
Thank you, but I I was just thinking I would be so much more valuable behind the makeup counter.
- I need you here.
- I've kept up with all the latest styles and trends since I've been off the floor.
Face masks, they're the future and the past.
Cleopatra used them.
Isn't that interesting? - Lake mud and egg whites.
- I need you here.
Well, I've never been trained for coat check.
Take coat, give ticket.
Take ticket, give coat.
Congratulations.
You've been trained.
Now, one more thing.
And listen very closely.
I'm listening.
Never leave the booth.
Yes, ma'am.
There'll be some changes made.
Take coat, give ticket.
Coat room? Purgatory with a better view.
- Poor thing.
- Hey, did you hear? - I'm not Mary's maid of honor.
- I told you, Viv, my sister had to be maid of honor.
It's a family thing.
How's planning going? Oh, we've had a couple of hiccups.
Hiccups? Your sister's a bitch.
- Viv.
- We're on the floor.
She got a little bossy, so I nudged her aside.
I'm doing it all myself now.
What? Oh, my God, Mary, no, you can't do that.
- O'TOOLE: Girls! - O'Toole.
- Ooh.
- Mary, wait.
- She'll need water.
- Got him.
Pookie's a her.
(WHISPERING): Mary.
Mary.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, ladies.
Rouge Master Class begins in five minutes - at the Revlon Counter.
- Sweetie, I'm sorry, but you can't plan your wedding by yourself.
It's too much.
Let me help.
Oh, Midge, thank you, but there's no time - and really no money.
- Don't worry about money.
What you need is experience and I have experience.
The marriage didn't stick, but my reception was unforgettable.
- It got a write-up in The Jewish Daily Forward, - (GASPS) in Yiddish, so it didn't get a wide readership, but the picture was sensational and I can make the time for you, my friend.
- I don't know.
- Please.
I want to.
No one should have a less than perfect wedding.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes! - Good.
- Really good.
I'm relieved.
I'll see you at lunch.
See you at lunch.
Look at this.
The high ceilings, the tile floor, like the Vatican.
I feel like I forgot something.
How are we doing here, Curren? MOISHE: Why would a fakakta bank in the tuchus of Brooklyn try to compete with the Pope? I need to start writing things down, but by the time I find a pen, I forget what I was supposed to write down.
It's so open, so flaunting, so gentile.
Jews use the bank, too, Pop.
Show me one.
Hey.
- You a Jew? - Pop.
Sorry.
So, how close are we to wrapping this up, Curren? Curren.
What is that? Just making sure all the I's are dotted here.
- He dots the I's.
- And I've got a team counting cash in the back.
It'll take a while.
- Only a goy dots the I's.
- I hope it's all there.
The treasure map's in pretty bad shape.
- Treasure map? - JOEL: It's just what she calls her records marking where she put the money.
Ma, what what are you looking for? I feel like I forgot something.
Moishe, did you bring the bag of money we use to bribe people? There's a bag of money we use to bribe people.
A little louder, Ma.
I don't think they heard you in Poughkeepsie.
Curren, that's not a name.
That's something you pour over rice.
And, Pop, Mr.
Cleary is my buddy Archie's brother and he's doing us a big favor here.
By taking our money? I wish I could do someone that favor.
- Mr.
Curry, a question - Cleary.
Cleary.
Is there gonna be another Great Depression soon? Is that something you can tell us? If I could, I'd be the president of the bank or the United States.
Step on enough Jews, you'll get there.
Now I remember.
I found this.
It was behind one of the radiators.
Ma, you said you found all the money.
On the first treasure map.
I found two more treasure maps this morning.
Oh, should we lock these up in the safe? They show where all our stashes are.
- They're like gold.
- I'm in charge of these from now on.
Are we gonna be okay? You are not Jewish.
- Thank you for shopping B.
Altman.
- WOMAN: It's a little plain.
Sometimes I just want to spark it up a little.
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
Yes, ma'am.
What's life without a little spark? So, what do I do? How do I do that? - ELSA: You could go bolder with the colors.
- Oh.
- WOMAN: Like what? - Fuchsia? - Oy.
- WOMAN: Interesting.
- ELSA: Or maybe orange.
- Aah! ANNOUNCER: Husbands, a new waiting lounge has opened up on the first floor.
What the hell? You're in a box.
Did Madame Alexander put you in there? I'm the coat room attendant.
This is my job, Susie, and I am proud of the work I do.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, seems really soul satisfying.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, B.
Altman customers, the store will be closing in 15 minutes.
What are you doing here? We have a gig tonight, remember? Yes, but we were meeting at the club.
This place is on the way.
It's 20 blocks out of your way.
And I like having extra time with you before the gigs to talk, dish.
Sammy Davis Jr.
's dating a white chick.
You're frog-marching me to the gig.
- That, too.
- Susie.
We have a bunch of gigs coming up and I don't like standing there with my thumb up my ass.
I'm not always late.
Fine.
We'll go together, under protest because I do not appreciate this lack of faith in my punctuality.
- Viv, punch out for me.
- VIVIAN: You got it.
- How may I help you? - Not this.
- This and this.
- Thanks.
Not that or that.
- This.
This.
Not that.
- Ah.
Ooh, not that.
- This and this.
Have a good day.
- Ah.
You're such a little freak.
I mean, you really are.
MIDGE: I want to get serious here for a minute, people.
Nuclear war.
The nightmare, the horror.
Oh, now, I'm not talking about dying in one.
I'm talking about surviving and living in an underground bunker with your extended family until the radiation disperses.
Mr.
Khrushchev, have you met my family? If you're gonna hit us, comrade, fucking obliterate us.
I'm obsessed with the time lady.
You know her.
Dial the number and it's, "At the tone, Eastern Standard Time will be 6:53 and 20 seconds.
" Beep.
Now, 6:53 and 30 seconds is next, right? Maybe.
But I like to think that it may not be and then be surprised when it is.
The suspense is intoxicating.
Oh, and I drink while I do this.
Did I not mention that? I should've mentioned that.
My son was bullied the other day at the park and the anger I felt at that boy.
Not the boy picking on my son, I mean my son.
You know? 'Cause Mama didn't raise no pussies.
I told him, "Get in there.
Use what you got.
"The greatest defense in the male armory: "foot to nuts.
Foot to nuts.
Fight dirty, you little bastard.
" I got to tell you, the first time my mother says, "You've gained so much weight since the apocalypse," I'll pry the door open and stick my head outside, going (BREATHES RAPIDLY) Are my eyes popping out yet? Am I bleeding from the ears? Say that it's happening.
Please tell me that sweet release is imminent.
I mean, it's the greatest drinking game ever.
A shot of vodka every time it goes beep.
Then I throw up on the half hour.
I should patent this.
I should bury the body.
It's not pretty, son, but we can't leave a dead four- year-old unburied like this.
The flies, alone.
Get your sand pail, start digging.
We'll make it fun.
Wait.
He's still breathing.
He's a stubborn little fucker, isn't he? Quick, look in my purse, there's a government pamphlet I read on this with guidelines.
One was not to bring anything into the fallout shelter that would be unnaturally disturbing.
You realize what that means.
Hundreds of radioactive, Jewish mothers above ground, roaming the streets of the Upper West Side.
If that's not a deterrent for nuclear war, I don't know what is.
I mean does the time lady count off the seconds while she's having sex? Really, no man wants to go through that.
And women, most men we sleep with, they go off before the beep.
You know what I'm saying? Then we have to turn ourselves in.
I mean, it's one thing to kill the boy, but taking out the rest of his family, his mother, his sister, his dog I think people noticed.
Thanks, everybody.
You've been more than diverting.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
Good night.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Great crowd.
- Yeah, this guy in the back wasn't laughing.
- Not one cough.
It's when they don't cough that I know I got them.
I asked him if he was foreign or something, but he's from Hoboken.
Susie, 99% of the audience was laughing.
That's a good thing.
You got 100% of that place on 19th.
Ah, that was a great gig.
You got 100 at that Midtown place on 23rd.
23rd is not Midtown.
- It's close.
- It's not close.
- It's a short walk.
- It's a cab ride.
Goddamn Harry Drake.
He's stopping my career cold.
I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? Hey, everybody.
Who here doesn't love our Mrs.
Maisel? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) And who here doesn't love the dulcet tones of the autoharp? Give it up for Clint Gowdy.
Hey, hey.
What the hell? Jackie, how many times have I told you? Autoharps are permanently banned, meaning forever.
Hey, as long as you're off doing your Maisel thing, I'm gonna book what I want to book.
Autoharps, panpipes, ocarinas.
- You're just toying with me now.
- That's right.
And I'm gonna start charging for overnight stays at the Hotel Le Gaslight.
Count on it.
- Overnight stays? - It's nothing.
Ignore him.
She's been sleeping here.
I'm getting tired of having to fold her bedding every morning.
You don't sleep clean.
Susie, you can't sleep here.
Relax, I'm not anymore.
I swapped apartments with the Italian family upstairs.
- I'm sorry, what? - I swapped apartments.
I'm in their place and they're in mine.
A family is in your apartment? Your place is a shithole.
Oh, you'd change your tune if you saw their place.
Brutal.
We really should treat immigrants better.
But what if Harry Drake's goons show up at your apartment? - I won't be there.
- Yes, - but the Italian family will.
- I know, right? We need a more permanent solution to this Harry thing.
- One where there's no innocent victims.
- I know.
Is this your brassiere, Susie? You left it in the back.
Jesus Christ, Jackie.
Well, how do you think I feel? I thought it was a dishrag.
Well, at least now I know what to get you for your birthday.
DORA: You won't be judged by the professor's highest standard, Rose.
I'm not sure I could meet his lowest standard.
Sketching, drawing, he'll say, "Let your hand follow what your eye sees.
" I'll try.
I practiced a little last night, drawing a bowl of fruit.
My lemon was fine, but my banana was a disaster.
It's getting the right texture (GASPS) - You okay? - What's the matter? - She can't breathe.
- Watch her chair! My God, oh, my God.
Too close, too close.
(HYPERVENTILATING) - That's our subject? - That's our subject.
That's our subject.
That texture's gonna be even harder to capture.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Susie! (EXCITED CHATTER IN ITALIAN) Hi, everybody.
How's it going? Splendido! Siamo cosi grati! Okay, quick head count.
One, two, three, four and there's little Sal.
Okay.
Whew, all alive.
So far, so good.
Susie, ecco la tua mail.
Devi essere moto importante.
Ah.
Grazie, Grandma.
Uh, you you might want to keep those shades closed.
(SINGING IN ITALIAN) (OTHERS JOINING IN) (LAUGHTER) LANCE: In my spare time, I've been thinking about the very nature of infinity w what it infers, what it portends.
- Yes, yes.
- And for that reason, I was wondering if you had any insight on a true hero of mine, uh, the great German mathematician Georg Cantor and his prodigious work, which included his theory on the infinity of infinities.
Georg Cantor.
I'm really glad you brought him up, Lance.
I love that you did that.
Because he reminds me of a man that I actually do care about, and that's the great mathematician Henri Poincaré.
It's Poincaré's history of work on the solution of the three-body problem in planetary orbits that distinguished him, and although he did not produce a definitive solution, he advanced the inquiry so greatly that of course, Karl Sundman stood on his shoulders when he finally proved the existence of I apologize.
I need to leave a bit early today.
I'm meeting my wife in a few minutes.
An infinite series solution.
Even this solution is of limited practical utility, because it converges so slowly.
Poincaré showed astounding aptitude for mathematics at a very young age, as all great mathematicians do.
It was an innate ability that is not uncommon in the field.
He was also a man of unusual work habits.
He'd work two hours in the morning, two in the evening and use the intervening time for his subconscious to continue working on the problem.
This calls to mind another mathematician I discussed in my office with Truman just last Tuesday.
Truman, you took notes that day.
Please share them with the class.
Stop it.
Get away! I bruise easy! ABE: If you're so inclined, reach back further to the musings of the mathematician Zeno.
He describes a series of paradoxes concerning infinity and infinitesimals.
This being ancient Greece, little is left of his written record, but of the scraps we do have left oh, my God.
- Professor Weissman? - Are you all right? Give him air, guys.
Yeah, he just saw a naked man.
- I'm okay, oh, my God.
- We need crowd control here.
- No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Are we dismissed? Yes, yes.
Go.
Go, go.
Well, hello there, young lady.
Right on time.
Uh, where shall we go? Faculty dining room, if that's okay with you? I was just thinking about the egg salad they make there.
Ladies first.
46 bucks for two months? Is that possible? - It can't be possible.
- ED (OVER PHONE): Your biggest charges are for multiple calls to the same places.
Midtown places.
Did you make all those calls? Well, probably, but Ed, when I signed up, I was told it was nine dollars a month.
Yes, but you didn't take into account the message units.
- The what units? - Well, in your plan, anything beyond two miles of your geographical service incurs additional fees on top of the nine dollars.
You're telling me every call beyond two miles from my apartment is considered long distance? - Yeah, pretty much.
- So let me get this straight, Ed.
If I call someone who's less than two miles away, and then they make a call from a second phone to a person four miles away from me but only two miles away from them, and they hold the receiver up to the line I'm on, I'll just get charged locally, right? Sure, I mean, if you want to go to the bother.
I don't want to go to the fucking bother, Ed.
I'm just trying to figure out how can I afford this stupid fucking phone you sold me! Look, I hear you, and I sympathize, but the charges are the charges.
- Jesus.
- And, uh I guess I'm compelled to tell you this - What? - Our office is in Harlem, so this call is long distance as well.
- (CRYING) - (SPEAKS ITALIAN) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - SHIRLEY: Joely.
- Yeah, Ma? You've got a gentleman caller.
A handsome young man.
Why'd you make it sound salacious? Did did I make it sound salacious? Come on in, Arch.
Archie, would you do me a big favor? - Sure.
- Would you ask your brother if real estate prices are gonna go up or down in the next ten years? That would be a big help.
I will ask him.
Oh, Curry is a good man.
He's a nice blend of spices and herbs, as well.
Ah.
Well, I'll leave you boys to get on with things.
Your sword fights and whatnot.
Thank you, Mrs.
Maisel.
Thanks, Ma.
Smells like a foxhole in here.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Can I get some coffee? Coming up.
And these are? My mother's treasure maps.
Supposed to show where they've hidden all the cash over the years.
- Did Curren see these? - You bet he did.
That's what I thought.
He's denying us a line of credit.
Told us there were too many "mitigating circumstances," which my father called the two most goyish words in the English language.
(SNIFFS) Smells like Ma's making kugel.
She makes good kugel.
Don't leave before you have some kugel.
You know, Joel, you and I are good friends.
Close.
To the point where we didn't even correct your mother when she implied that we're a couple of queers.
And because of that, I need to say, you have got to get out of this fucking house! Of course I have to get out of this house! I mean, look at me.
I I'm back with my toys and my mother and the fucking kugel and it wasn't supposed to be like this.
I've got to find a place.
And it's got to be right for the kids, too, because they have to be with me some of the time or I'll go crazy.
Good.
You still got some fight left.
Now stop moving around.
It's making the smell in here worse.
(SIGHS) I got Curren to reconsider the mitigating circumstances.
You're getting your line of credit.
- Arch.
You're kidding.
- I've got things on him.
And I vouched for you.
And I'm gonna help you get the hell out of here because it's just sad.
I owe you, Arch.
I owe you big-time.
(DOOR OPENS) Oops.
Never mind me.
I saw nothing.
(DOOR CLOSES) Oh.
Hey, Albert, help.
Ah.
You're a prince, Albert.
"Prince Albert.
" I just came up with that.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Hi.
Midge.
- Hi.
- Midge, let me introduce you to Father O'Brien, and this is Sister Saint Stephen.
Father, Sister, this is my good friend Midge Maisel.
She's here to help me with the reception.
- Nice to meet you.
- And nice to meet you, miss.
(GIRL CRYING) Carrie Ann misbehaved in geography class.
Yes.
Of course.
Will you excuse us for just a second? I've got some important business to discuss with Mary here.
(WHISPERING): What is this? What is happening? This is my parish.
I'm getting married in the church upstairs.
It's very old, very beautiful.
Sure, sure, but where are we now? This is where the reception's going to be.
- In this room? - Yes.
- No.
No.
No.
- Yes.
Yes.
Mary, there's no light here.
It's damp and lifeless.
And there's a little girl crying in the corner.
This is the Punishment Room.
You can't have your reception in the Punishment Room.
- Midge.
- The walls are stained with tears.
My sister had her reception here.
- And how happy is your sister? - Well Because she got married in the Punishment Room.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, ma'am.
Sir.
Sister.
There is a bigger room that you go through to get here.
It has a window.
That's the Window Room.
That's really what they call it? The bigger donors get that room.
My family's not a big donor.
Ah.
So it's about money.
Bartering.
I can work with that.
- Now who's the power here, the priest or the nun? - Midge.
- Mary.
- The priest.
Father, can we talk? Of course, dear.
Don't we love our sweet Mary? Oh, I've known Mary all her life.
I baptized her when she was just a week old.
Ah, well, I'm Jewish.
When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.
I was just wondering, this room would it be possible to give it a coat of paint? Lighten it up a little? Father picked this color himself.
And it's a nice one.
Yellow mustard gas.
But a sky blue would make the room feel cheerier.
This is the Punishment Room.
And there's no budget to paint.
Okay.
Well, do you supply flowers? A lot of colorful flowers would really liven things up.
- We have no flowers.
- There's no money for flowers.
Well, you have flowers at funerals.
Anyone scheduled to die the week before Mary's wedding? We'll take those.
- Mary.
- MARY: Midge Is Carrie Ann still gonna be there? - Because that'll be very distracting.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Convert.
Be something else.
Buddhism's nice.
I have no choice.
It is going to be here, in this room, at Our Lady Of Perpetual Sorrow.
That is not the name.
Midge, the ceremony's the thing, and the church is beautiful.
Down here is just a quick breakfast, a splash of champagne and what? - Did you say breakfast? - Eggs and ham.
(EXHALES) Mary just told me about Bill.
About Well, I guess I was the only one not to know.
He's a veteran of Korea.
Right, Mary? Our brave Bill? Yes.
I'd suggest we say a prayer for him now, but your prayers and mine, they differ.
Mine would be Mi Shebeirach.
Mi Shebeirach avoteinu, Avraham, Yitzchak v'Yaakov You'd like a lot of our stuff, Father.
We've got some real barnburners.
- All right.
- But I guess what I'm wondering now is, what if you let them have the Window Room for an early evening reception? For just a couple of hours.
Nothing fancy.
Our bingo ladies are there then.
You can bump them.
Just for this one night? For Mary? And Bill.
Mary's Bill.
- Well, we do all love Bill.
- Mm.
I guess an early evening event in the Window Room can be arranged.
Wow.
So generous.
Thanks, Father.
I'm assuming a band is out of the question? "The sandy beach reminded Harold of picnics, and the thought of picnics made him hungry.
" And just made your mommy hungry.
(CLEARS THROAT) "So he laid out a nice simple picnic lunch.
" Hope he brought wine.
"There was nothing but pie.
" There's never anything but pie.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? I think there may be a bag of money hidden in your front closet.
- What? - I've been studying Ma's treasure maps and one of them didn't correspond to anywhere - in their house or the factory.
- Treasure maps? And now I think one of them is your parents' house and that on one of my parents' visits, they stashed a bag of money in a closet.
- I know, it sounds crazy.
- Not at all.
Just look.
It's the one in the foyer.
Holy cow.
I'm at the closet.
Check the back, left side.
Is it just gonna be sitting in here on the floor? JOEL: No, it's probably in a cutout in the wall.
They cut open the wall? My dad has a portable rotary blade.
This just keeps getting weirder.
Be careful 'cause some of the bags are booby-trapped.
Is it gonna explode? There may be a mouse trap in it.
It's probably snapped.
Unbelievable.
- Oh, wait, the wall is jiggling.
- That must be it.
And there's a bag.
Found it.
Good.
I'll come by and pick it up tomorrow.
Joel, there must be at least $2,000 here.
They're crazy, Midge.
My parents are crazy.
I I know, but at least it skipped a generation.
I think that's probably all they stashed there.
They probably got nervous about the noise the blade made.
One of the hazards of secretly using power tools in someone else's house.
- Kiss the kids for me? - Okay.
- And hug them? - Of course.
And tell them I'll always love them? Joel, are you dying? I've got to dig into Aunt Golda's sub-basement tomorrow and there could be a Komodo dragon guarding it.
- Just get some sleep? - I probably won't.
Good night.
Good night.
DORA: I've never drawn a nude man before.
MILLY: I've never seen a nude man before.
Drawing a man's genitals is not easy.
Or appetizing.
Did you draw a face on his penis? - No.
- It's smiling.
- I draw what I see.
- Rose, let's see yours.
Oh, I completely skipped the down-there part.
It made me very uncomfortable.
- Even though it was smiling? - It's not smiling.
I wouldn't submit that for your master's thesis, Milly.
A master's degree, that sounds so important.
- Are you all on that path? - Pretty much.
My, I can't even imagine.
And once you have your master's, what do you do with it? - Pardon? - I mean, it's so audacious, a master's.
You're learning so much.
What are you going to do with all that knowledge? - What is she talking about? - What do you do once you graduate? There's a lot of things we can do.
Teach.
- Oh, yes, teach.
Where? - Here, I guess.
But none of the teachers here are women.
They all seem to be men.
- I guess a lot of them are men.
- I think all of them are men.
I never put that together.
Some of us want to be artists.
I want to be an artist.
But there are really no lady artists, not in the States.
I knew a couple back in the day in Paris.
One quit, no one knows where she is today.
The other one killed herself.
Mainly because no one would buy art from a girl.
She tried calling herself Bertrum and wearing a bowler, but it didn't work.
You don't like your sandwich? I'm not hungry anymore.
Some of you are doing this to find a husband, I assume? That's why my daughter went to college.
Oh, sure, she wanted to make friends and take classes, but her real goal was to meet a man, and she met one.
Then he dumped her, so she's working a low-level job because all she had was a degree in Russian literature, but not a master's.
I mean, it would be nice to meet a man.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, if you want to meet a man, this is not the place to do it.
The art department, mm-mm.
The whole building, nope.
Now, the business school, that's the place.
Lots of choices and they're all studying something with real potential.
I hope you don't mind the thoughts of an older woman.
I'm just very new at all this.
Not at all.
Yes, thank you, Rose.
SUSIE: Mmm.
This place has the best pastrami, right? - See you, Susie.
- Yeah, see you, Louie.
I don't know, Katz's is pretty good.
Mm, I like Katz's for their corned beef.
- Hey, Susie, call me tomorrow.
- Actually, Mel, can you call me? - Why? - Just do it.
- Whatever.
- Mm, Greengrass for the lox.
I grew up on Barney Greengrass.
Don't tell me about Barney Greengrass.
- Maybe the matzo ball soup.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.
That thing you did? That was real shitty.
That's the joy of not giving a shit, Freddy.
You're just asking for reciprocation.
- I'm asking you to sit down.
- Don't tell me to sit down! - Fuck you and your reciprocation and your two-dollar suits.
- No, no, fuck you - You throw your weight around.
- And fuck your mother at the same time.
- You're nothing.
You're a nobody.
- Just crawl back up her pussy - and shut the fuck up.
- Eat shit and die! Nice guy, I'll introduce you later.
He seemed very personable.
- Shit.
- What? You're not gonna believe who else is here.
- Who? Who? - Harry Drake.
- SUSIE: Harry Drake.
- MIDGE: Did he see us? He sees us now.
He's coming over.
Should I scream? - Why, are you having an orgasm? - He threatened you, Susie.
- Hello, Midge, Susie.
- Hey, Harry, nice to see you.
How're you liking this weather? "Spring is sprung, the grass is riz" "I wonder where the birdie is" Not that any of us get outside much.
- Just enough to hop in a taxi.
- Lunch sometime? - Name the day.
- My treat.
Yup.
See you.
- What the fuck? - What? When did you make up with Harry Drake? I didn't.
- Then what was that? - That was showbiz.
He's been threatening you with violence.
That's showbiz, too.
Oh, look who Harry's with now.
That's Billy Jay.
He books the Upstairs at the Downstairs.
I'd give my right nut to get you in there.
Yeah, that's on 56th.
That's 30 blocks above our last one.
SUSIE: Billy Jay.
He never comes in here.
Crap.
Go talk to him.
You don't just talk to Billy Jay, you need an in.
Luckily, I got one.
Yeah? What? His eye for the ladies.
Hmm? (CLICKS TONGUE) - Are you having a stroke? - Get over there and do your thing.
- What thing? - The guy's a dog.
He'd fuck a corpse if it was less than six hours old.
Are you kidding me? I'm not gonna go over there and make this guy think I'm gonna sleep with him if he books me.
Why not? You have those weapons.
- So do you.
- No, these are self-destructive.
I wouldn't do something like that.
Come on, you told me all about how you practically slept with a priest so he'd give your friend some pigs in a blanket for her wedding, but you're not gonna do this? That was just sweet talk.
It happened in the moment.
Oh, so you're just against being a premeditated slut.
You're fine being a spontaneous slut.
I'm not sidling up to Billy Jay.
Okay.
Don't.
But we do have to make some money at some point.
- You understand that, right? - Yes, I understand that.
- Like, now.
- Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
Oh, are you, Princess? You hanging in there? Is life okay in your 18-room apartment on the Upper West Side with your doorman and your maid and your childcare and your bottomless closet? Oh, I forgot to tell you, I found $2,000 in my closet.
(QUIETLY): This is what I'm talking about.
I'm not gonna find $2,000 in my closet.
Think about my life for a moment.
I'm broke.
I'm working less at the Gaslight so I'm falling further behind.
I'm begging people to call me 'cause I can't afford to call them.
I am picking up half-eaten apples out of trash cans at the Port Authority.
It's getting dire here.
Then I'll pay your phone bill.
How about that? It's 46 bucks.
Oh.
That I would have to borrow from my father.
Yeah, from the father that doesn't have any idea why you'd be paying the phone bill of a friend that he's never met that you're not even supposed to know.
Great plan.
You know, don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
I get it.
Okay? I I'm lucky.
I have a support system, you don't.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Forget I said anything.
No, Susie, it's good for me to know.
A manager doesn't go to her client saying she's worried about money.
She goes out and she gets money.
I take on the burdens.
You're the artist.
- Your thing's harder.
- WAITRESS: Thank you.
We're both trying something hard.
Yeah.
I'm getting this.
I'm not arguing.
VIVIAN: Oh, my God.
I was crying my eyes out.
I couldn't believe it.
And then when the priest said, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" and she said, "I do.
" It was a cliffhanger until then.
It was so magical.
- It was perfect.
- It was perfect.
Oh, these flowers are beautiful.
Church kept them from a funeral last week.
Some guy named Horace.
He was well-liked by those who enjoy expressing themselves florally.
Let's raise a glass.
Horace, you were gone too soon, but right on time.
- Here's to Horace.
- To Horace! (LAUGHTER) Oh, boy, cheap champagne works fast.
- (GLASS CLINKING) - Excuse me, everybody.
If I could just grab your attention for a minute or so.
- Yay, Daddy's gonna speak.
- Whoo-hoo! - Go, Brian! - All right! (APPLAUSE) Eh, don't get your hopes up here.
(LAUGHTER) I'm not much of a public speaker.
I lay bricks, like my father did.
- A speech for me is saying "Ouch.
" - (LAUGHTER) But I just wanted to get up here and thank you for coming to celebrate our daughter's wedding with us.
There's a lot of emotion on a day like today, but I just wanted to say, Mary, you're the best.
I love you, sweetie.
And Bill, we couldn't ask for a better son-in-law.
Here's to you both.
May you be as happy as Jean and I have been for all these 30-odd years.
- To Mary and Bill.
- ALL: To Mary and Bill.
So pardon the interruption.
I'll let you get back to your champagne and these fantastic appetizers.
And let's all have fun.
(APPLAUSE) Whoo! Thank you, Daddy.
I love you.
And for all those enjoying the appetizers, the flowers, this wonderful room, it's all courtesy of my brilliant B.
Altman friend, Midge Maisel.
This wouldn't have happened without her.
- Thank you, Midge.
- (APPLAUSE) Oh, gosh.
Thank you.
I was happy to do it.
Really, thank you.
Now I say we raise a glass to Mary's daddy.
Didn't he do a great job, guys? Even got a couple of solid laughs.
Yeah.
To Daddy.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers! MIDGE: That was a tight one minute, Brian.
- You're ready for Jack Paar.
- (LAUGHTER) Yeah, I don't know about that.
And the ceremony was lovely.
Mary was gorgeous, and Bill was sweaty.
(LAUGHTER) No, no, no, you're pretty, too, Bill.
But if anyone brought a set of towels as a gift, that would've been a good time to hand them over.
She's the funniest girl in the world.
Don't oversell me there, Viv.
Hey, can you all see me okay? Oh, okay.
Ah, there we go.
I see a few maiden aunts, I see a few drunk uncles.
And of course, there's Father O'Brien.
A good man, a pious man, a handsome man.
And whatever you heard, people, I did not - schtup Father O'Brien.
- (PEOPLE GASP) I don't think God would look too kindly on that.
The lightning bolt would be the size of Florida, right, Father? A and if a priest is gonna have sex, I think God would prefer it wasn't with a Jew.
That's like putting mayonnaise on a bialy, you don't do it.
Uh okay.
Um I I always think a lot about sex at weddings.
And it makes sense.
Everyone's dolled up, drinking booze, we're happy, we're dancing.
Even Brian here's talking about laying bricks.
No amount of lubrication's gonna help you there.
Talk about "Ouch.
" (PEOPLE GASPING) And and then there's Mary and Bill.
They are perfect together, aren't they? And talk about love at first sight.
I mean, they met in November, and here they are three months later, getting hitched.
What do we got here, kids? A shotgun wedding? I am so sorry, honey.
I am in shock, I'm in absolute shock.
I didn't know you were gonna throw it to me like that.
I didn't throw it to you, Midge.
I thanked you for the rumaki.
Guess I sort of misread the audience.
- No shit.
- Mary, we're in church.
- I can't go back down there.
- HARRIET: You have to go back down.
Mary, it was a mistake, you have to believe me.
I mean, there's no way I could possibly have known you were pregnant.
I've known him three months, Midge.
Why the hell do you think I'm getting married three months after meeting him? Wow, well, guess I didn't know you were that big a slut.
Joke.
That was a joke.
What happened to humor, huh? It this isn't a funeral, it's the happiest day of your life.
(MARY BLOWS NOSE) Oh, and congratulations on the baby.
(SOBBING) What are you doing here? I think I'm in trouble.
What are you doing here? I got a note to come speak to Simon.
Simon, it's Abe Weissman.
SIMON: Come on in, Abe.
- Thank you for coming by.
- Yes.
Um, what is my wife doing out there? This is a little embarrassing, Abe.
I mean, I've known Rose socially for what, 20 years? (SIGHS) "Unusual" is the word for it.
What's unusual? What's the issue? Well (SIGHS) Rose has been very disruptive.
(CHUCKLES): Disruptive how? All I know is she spoke to a group of girls at a gathering here on campus, and now half of them want to quit, and the other half are demanding to be transferred to the business school.
And just about all of them were crying.
Well, that must be a coincidence.
- No, I don't think so.
- (BELL TOLLING) She's disillusioned them about the art department.
So she can no longer audit these classes, I'm sorry.
No.
- No.
- Pardon me? No.
Sorry, she's not stopping.
- Abe - Simon, let me be clear.
I would love her to quit.
I don't like walking into a room, and my wife is there staring at some young guy's schlong - Abe, your language.
- But you don't understand what we've been through.
If she doesn't get to do this, she'll go back to Paris, and Paris is chock-full of schlongs.
French schlongs.
This would be very bad for me.
I'm afraid this isn't your call, Abe.
Rose! - Rose - Abe Will you come in here, please? Rose, these girls, you talked to them.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
We've got to clear this up.
Now, tell me, what did you say? All I did was I asked the girls why they were getting an education, and why they were in this particular class.
And a few of them talked about being teachers, and I pointed out that I didn't see any female teachers in the art department.
Okay, now, see, that was Actually, that was right.
We don't have any female art teachers here, do we? Well, I'd have to check.
Exactly.
So I said, "What's the point?" Well, it does seem a little pointless.
And a few others talked about being artists, and I pointed out that I didn't know many female artists.
I I've known a couple.
One died.
ABE: The one in the hat.
Bertrum.
And the other gave up.
I remember you telling me about that.
You've got to admit that's not a good track record.
Eight girls are asking to be transferred to the business school.
Yes, because there are so many handsome men over there.
Ooh, the men in the business school are very handsome.
But you understand that we count on these ladies' tuition payments to keep the place running.
Yes, but you're just taking their money and not giving them anything in return.
Where are they going to go? They can't all work at B.
Altman.
She's right.
B.
Altman, I've seen it.
They already have a lot of girls working there.
You know, when I went to school, different things were expected of women.
I was just getting their points of view on why they were doing this.
- Sounds very reasonable.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, basically, I think I'm on her side.
And you must be, too.
We're all on the same page, right? - Abe - And I don't see a reason for her not to stay.
Oh, really? That's wonderful.
The only thing for me is I don't want her looking at a naked penis ever again.
Oh, I'd rather not look at that either.
I think a fig leaf could be a very tasteful way to solve the problem.
If you would pass that along, Simon Okay.
So, basically, we're on the same side about everything and in complete agreement, yes? Good? Are we done? Sure.
Thank you.
You want to get some lunch? - Faculty lounge? - Yeah, let's do it.
This has been a very good meeting, Simon.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES) I've totally lost my societal filter.
SUSIE (ON PHONE): Your what? I don't know how to speak in front of normal, everyday people anymore.
What, like you don't know what to say to your neighbors? - They're not worth it.
- No, Susie, I've completely forgotten where the fucking line is.
Geez, listen to me.
I said "the fucking line.
" I hardly ever said the F-word before, and now it just slides out of my mouth.
I mean, what the fuck?! You tried washing your mouth out with fancy pink soap? - (LAUGHTER, SHOUTING) - What is that? - What is that noise? - Oh, it's Luigi TV.
It's what? One of the kids here, little Luigi, stands outside the window, puts on a little show for everyone, like he's on TV.
His domestic comedy's on now.
It's pretty funny.
Oh, wait, commercial break.
Go on.
I mean, I spoke at my wedding, and the worst thing I said was "shrimp in the eggrolls.
" Guess you had to be there.
So, tonight, the gig is at 7:00.
Is it really, or is it at 8:00 and you're telling me 7:00 so I'll be on time? Just be there at 7:00.
Okay, I'll be there at fucking 7:00.
I just have to make a quick stop before.
Just don't get distracted by whatever the stop is.
I won't, I promise.
Okay, later.
(LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (MUTTERS) - MIDGE: Boo.
- Oh, God.
Didn't mean to scare you.
No, it's good.
You restarted my heart.
I think it flat out gave up.
So, am I crying, or is that just on the inside? Mostly inside.
Here.
Yup, $2,000.
- 2,135, for the record.
- Thanks.
So that's the famous treasure map, huh? One of 'em.
It's a surreal masterpiece.
Salvador Dali's got nothing on Ma.
Look, two norths.
Which "X" were you looking for? That one.
That's not here.
That's deeper in the building.
So, according to this, it should be right here.
- Wait.
- (STOMPS FLOOR) You have a saw or some dynamite? JOEL: I found it.
The money? My place.
Well, I guess I'll have to change my plan I should have realized I'd lose my favorite man (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I overlooked that point completely B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? - I will connect you.
- Midge, what happened? B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? What are you doing down here? You were in the coat room, - so close to the show.
- I will connect you.
- Midge! - I tried to reach the moon Thank you for shopping B.
Altman.
Okay, thank you.
Psst! (LOUDER): Psst! Mary, please.
I'm sorry, please forgive me.
I I'm not suitable to be out in public anymore.
I wish I'd known that before your reception, but better late than never.
I'm sorry.
Please, what can I say to get you to forgive me? Tell me what I can say.
Never leave the booth.
- I've lost the one man - Drag.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES) B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
I've lost the one man.
B.
Altman, where may I direct your call? I will connect you.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES) Your Charley Patton? Why are you selling your Charley Patton? 'Cause I need the money, genius.
- It's kind of rare.
- Don't rub it in.
Could you hurry it up, guys? I got stuff to do.
Look, we pride ourselves on our quality control, so we go over everything with a fine-tooth comb.
I just hope it's not the one you use to rake the crabs out of your pubes.
It's not.
"Cornet Chop Suey.
" No way.
OZ: First pressing, too.
It's so perfect I could cry.
MAN (ON RECORD): This recording is brought to you by the guys at Music Inn.
MIDGE (ON RECORD): So this is it, huh? - This is the dream.
- (RECORD SKIPS) So, my life completely fell apart today.
Did I mention that my husband left me? - MAN: Whoo-hoo! - MIDGE: Okay.
All right.
But did I mention that he left me for his secretary? (SCATTERED GROANS) She's 21, and dumb as a Brillo pad.
And I'm not naive.
I know that men like stupid girls, right? But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid.
I thought he wanted spontaneity.
And I'm sorry, but look at me.
I am the same size now that I was at my wedding.
And come on, who wouldn't want to come home to this every night? What the fuck? Hey, this is my client! How many of these have you sold?! Don't you run from me.
Don't you Hey, don't you run from me, motherfuckers! Hi! Nice to see ya C'mon in, c'mon in, sorry the place is a mess Need an ashtray, drink some coffee, some coffee I know you've been upset What I mean is maybe part of your problem Is simply you were teased I know what you'd like, but the good stuff promised Is hard fought and not for free Get tough, don't be so patient Get smart, head up, shoulders straight Since when is it a disaster If the "S" on your cape is a little frayed? What's a girl to do? Born to shop? No! Pretty victories What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Go out jumpin' with your dumplin', your dumplin' Go wheelin' with your pet Never worry even a bit, just a bit If there're any good ones left Use your credit at the boybank, the boybank If those you've bounced, you've broke Spit out the F-word like a shotgun, a shotgun If they can't take a joke! Get tough, don't be so patient Get smart, head up, shoulders straight Since when is it a disaster If the "S" on your cape is a little frayed? What's a girl to do? Born to shop? No! Pretty victories What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Starting to see what I mean? What's a girl to do? Scream and screw? No! Pretty victories Starting to see what I mean? Sure, stop by anytime Will yesterday be better? I think you'll do just fine.