The Mick (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

- There we go.
That's a good-looking apple, huh? - Yeah.
- Isn't this fun, you guys? - Smells like crap.
- I'm covered in ants.
- It's bright as hell out here.
Look, I just thought it would be nice to get out of that depressing house for a little while and have a nice picnic.
"Picnic" implies food.
You brought nothing.
Oh, yeah? What did you bring, Sabrina? Besides that crappy attitude of yours.
Okay, why can't we just go to a restaurant? Because restaurants cost money, genius, and we don't have any.
Look around you, there's miles of free snacks.
I'm eating the ants.
I like how they wiggle inside me.
See? This guy's making it work.
I am not foraging for food.
I'm not a frickin' animal.
I like it.
Reminds me of Guatemala.
- (chuckles) - My point exactly.
All right, if you guys can't enjoy this beautiful day, then there is something seriously wrong with you.
Beer me.
No beer.
What?! What do you mean? I thought there'd be a beer guy.
Why would there be a beer guy? It's not a baseball stadium It's an orchard.
All right, well, at least a hard cider guy.
So we're just supposed to sit around, like a-a bunch of sober turds? - (phone ringing) - This sucks.
You suck.
Unbelievable.
Ugh.
Milldale Correctional again? Do you believe the balls on this woman? - I mean, she walked out on us.
- (phone beeps off) - Nice.
Make her sweat.
- Hey, at least she's trying.
Dad hasn't even attempted to reach out.
It's like he prefers prison to his own family.
What's prison like? Oh, it's it's kind of like camp.
Right? You got your bunk beds, games, arts and crafts.
- I want to go to prison.
- Well, with her in charge, - I think you have a decent chance.
- (chuckles) Hey, maybe you should just hear her out.
(sucks air through teeth) Yeah, I don't feel like it.
- Give me the phone.
I'll answer.
- No.
Sabrina, answer the phone or I'll smash your face off with this apple! - Not before I smash off yours.
- All right, put the apples down before I smash you both off.
Okay, Benny? Come on, let's go look at the rabbits.
I'm serious, Sabrina! Answer the phone! Oh, I'm sorry, does da wittle baby miss his mama? - Cut it out.
- Last chance! - Oops! - (shouts) - (chokes) - SABRINA: Come here! - (choking) - (Mickey choking, wheezing) - (Chip and Sabrina shouting in distance) - What I wouldn't give to wrap my hands around their necks and just squeeze the life out of them.
Yeah.
I get that, but that doesn't fly nowadays.
Living in this PC culture where everyone's got to drive a hybrid, people can't beat their kids anymore.
I'm not talking about the kids.
I'm talking about Christopher and Poodle, just living on easy street while I'm here picking up the pieces.
Well, they are in prison.
I am the one who is in prison.
All right? They're eating free meals, they've got clean sheets, people looking after them.
Meanwhile, I am literally living in a trash heap with a bunch of wild animals who don't respect me.
- (shouting continues) - Ah! They just have all this pent-up aggression with no outlet.
You want me to take Chip downtown, get his wheels greased by a pro? No.
Too expensive.
No, these kids need their parents.
They need to sit face-to-face and get all this out on them - so I can stop bearing the brunt of it.
- While you're there, you might want to get the money turned back on.
Count me in.
I cannot wait to lay waste to Poodle through the glass.
- What are you talking about? - Eh, you know, "You're in there, I'm out here.
" That kind of stuff.
Right.
Well, as productive as that sounds, you're not going.
This isn't about you.
Aw, come on.
- Let me get mine.
- (shouting continues) I want to know how you're gonna get them on board.
I'll just sit them down like adults and explain that, in the long run, this is the best thing for everybody.
(Chip screams) Good luck.
(groans softly) Where the hell are we? Look, sue me, I thought you deserved a day of relaxation.
This whole thing with your mom's been pretty tough Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Well, maybe you've internalized it a little bit - subconsciously because you've been - I haven't.
Okay.
Then we're just two ladies having a spa day.
Just go with it.
What's so special about this spa? Well, for starters, it's tough for me to say, because your journey is gonna be so much different than mine, 'cause it's an entirely customized experience.
That's the thing that sets this particular spa apart.
You're gonna start by walking in and sitting down in a clay chair that molds to your body.
And then you'll have a chat with Wesley.
Yeah.
Wesley's what they call a body concierge.
And, together, the two of you will design a tailor-made experience that will not only, you know, enrich your body but it's also gonna take you on a guided tour of all of your pleasure centers.
Wow.
- I mean, that does sound incredible.
- Uh, yeah.
(chuckles): Yeah.
It's amazing.
Trust me, you're really gonna love it.
Oh, here we are.
Milldale Correctional.
(quietly): You bitch.
What kind of demon tells a girl she's getting a spa day and then brings her to her mom's prison? Look, think of it as a spa day for your soul.
What do you think is gonna happen here? We're not just gonna kiss and make up.
I don't care what you do.
Scream in her face.
Spit in her face.
Slap her face.
Do whatever you got to do.
But harness all that poison and spew it all over her, you know? So I can stay out of it.
(scoffs) Hello, Sabrina.
Mickey.
Hey there, Poodle.
How's life in the big house? God, it feels good to be on the other side of that one for once.
I'm so glad you came.
Well, it wasn't by choice, okay? - Listen, I have wanted to say - I'm sorry, can I go first? I-I just really need to get this off my chest.
(scoffs) Sabrina, I am so, so sorry.
Yeah, I broke the law, but, I mean, even worse, I broke our family.
I've lied to you, I've abandoned you, I've failed you in every possible way as a mother.
And I don't expect you to forgive me, because I don't think that I'll ever forgive myself for the pain that I've caused you and Chip and Ben.
Even Alba.
I need you to know that I love you more than anything and I am gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, because you are the most important thing in the world to me.
Ooh, are the boys here, too? (indistinct chatter) Really? A water park? Why'd I spend an hour looking for my goggles? 'Cause once you commit to a lie, you got to see it through, okay? You know what, uh, I think we should abort, all right? This is no place for kids.
But I want to see Daddy's camp.
I know, but, you know, we missed him, pal.
You know? He's off on a canoe trip.
GUARD: Pemberton! Booth six! No, you know what, hey, let's go to the water park.
All right? For real this time.
Let's do it.
No.
He doesn't get off that easy.
If he's not man enough to talk to me, then I'll be the bigger man.
All right.
Fine.
Make it quick.
(exhales) Hold my goggles.
I like it here.
Hello, Chip.
Oh, my God, Dad.
Is that you? Where is your teeth? Oh.
Y-You noticed that.
Yes.
Um, well, my roommate took them, and he said that-that I wouldn't be needing them anymore.
Oh, my God.
No wonder you didn't want me here.
You didn't abandon me, you were protecting me.
Well, now it's my turn to protect you, 'cause that's what Pembertons do, we protect our own.
Mark my words.
(echoing): I'm going to do everything POODLE: Chip's not yours.
- That I can - POODLE: Chip's not yours.
Dad? Dad.
- (normal voice): Dad, are? - I'm not your father.
- Dad, don't say that.
- Well I know you don't really feel like yourself right now, but you're still my father and I'm still your son.
- Chip.
- Your own flesh and blood.
- You don't under - Hello, gorgeous.
Move along.
What the hell was that? That was my roommate Ziggy.
I don't think I like the look of him at all.
Chip, I-I don't want you to visit me here anymore.
- But, Dad, I - No "But, Dad.
" Just go, and and and don't you ever come back here.
(slurping) You know what? I hate to admit it, but you were right.
(laughs) I feel like a tumor's been removed.
Right.
Eh Did anything about that apology strike you as odd? - Like what? - I don't know.
Maybe just How I was completely left out of it? (laughs) Oh.
- I see.
- What? This wasn't about me at all.
It's about you and your stupid issues.
- What? No.
Okay.
Look.
- Mmm.
Let me tell you a little something about me.
If I have an issue, it gets resolved immediately, all right? I don't carry that slop around.
It gunks up your gears.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Two burgers.
- Anything else I can do for you? - Thank you.
Um, yeah.
Anything jump out at you about this burger? - That it looks delicious.
- (chuckles) That's so cute, but no.
Here's a little burger 101 for you, guy.
If you put the fixings underneath the patty, it cooks them, thereby ruining them.
- Get it? - Not really.
Uh, you want soggy lettuce? Is that what you want? You want a tomato that goes down like jelly in your mouth? You want, you want to swallow toma You like tomato jelly in your mouth, that's what you like? So you want fresh lettuce.
No.
You're not getting it, guy.
This is bigger than lettuce, okay? The patty cooks the lettuce, which sogs the bun, which compromises the entire structural integrity of the burger.
Y-You basically handed me a bowl of wet meat.
And I can't, for the life of me, remember looking through the menu and ordering a bowl of meat.
I will get you a new burger.
Yeah.
Okay.
Good idea.
Toss in a new attitude while you're back there.
Michael.
- No unresolved issues at all, huh? - Get in the car.
- (man screams) - Sounds like they're having fun in there.
Well, someone is.
Oh, all right, great.
Let's make moves.
No, we can't leave.
I have to talk to the warden - and get Dad a new cell.
- Are you nuts? If word gets back that your dad's talking to the warden, they're gonna turn him into a pommel horse.
I am not leaving until I know my dad is safe.
I don't care if I have to get thrown in there.
Okay, you're not getting thrown in anywhere, all right? There's a way these things work and I'll help you.
What am I gonna do with this kid? It's maximum security.
He literally couldn't be more secure.
Hey, buddy.
I'm gonna go help your brother with something.
You okay to sit tight? All right.
Follow my lead.
(locks buzzes, latch clicks) Please Dob.
I'll fix it.
I swear - Uh, too late for that.
- (man groans) - You already had your chance.
- BEN: Hi.
Yo.
Am I tripping, or is that a kid? Damn.
Where'd you come from, little man? I'm from Greenwich.
Greenwich? (laughs) Come over here.
(groans) Take a good look at this dude right here.
You think he can be trusted? Hmm.
(whimpers) Hmm I like him.
- (cries) - You like him? Hey, fool.
This little boy just saved your life.
Thank him.
Thank you, little boy.
- You're welcome.
- (man panting) Don't go far, bitch.
What's that? Just putting on some fresh ink.
I love arts and crafts.
What's Brass City? That's my hood, little man.
'Cause we don't know where you're going.
All you got is where you're from.
Does it hurt? Only if you're a punk.
Got any games here? Oh, yeah.
(chuckling): We got games.
(door closes) Back already? (laughs) Yeah.
I-I just I couldn't help notice that I was sort of left out of the apology earlier, so in the spirit of closure and forgiveness, it would really help me turn the page if I could just just grab one real quick, and then we'll go.
What am I apologizing to you for? Uh, maybe for starters, dumping your entire family on me? Oh.
Uh, well, the way I see it, is your life had no meaning, and now you get to live mine.
So, if anything, um you're welcome.
Hey, that's apology-adjacent.
I'm just looking for a little gratitude here, because I'm doing a lot for no money, so (sighs) It is always the money with you.
Didn't I just give you a million dollars? And then your pyromaniac son burned it down in a house fire.
Have some accountability, Mickey.
You don't hear me still complaining about that time you stole my identity.
I borrowed your identity.
They're not gonna let you rent a jet ski without a credit card.
Did you need to ram it into the side of a yacht? I'm sorry, I was drunk.
Thanks to you I have a record in Rhode Island.
Is that why you never came back to visit? We have been over this a million times, Mickey.
I had dreams and I owed it to myself - to follow them.
- You became a stripper.
- Wait, what? - I was a waitress.
A waitress who wore nothing - but a thong and heels.
- Is that true? - You slept with my boyfriend.
- That's because you slept with Nick.
Oh, like you didn't do the same thing with Derek.
Damn, you guys tore through a lot of dudes.
- You chopped off my hair - Yeah, as a joke.
Okay.
You know what? Why don't you guys just call it even, okay? You wanted to get away from Dad so badly that you abandoned me.
I wanted to get away from you! If this place wasn't crawling with guards, I would leap across this table and rip you in half.
Well, why don't we go somewhere where we can be alone then? KEV: No more bets.
First one to the line wins.
And go! MAN: Come on! Come on! (overlapping, indistinct shouting) - (overlapping shouting) - Go! Go! Go! - Yeah! - Yeah! Little man gets the win! There we go.
Nice haul, kid.
You're a natural.
Thanks.
I hope my dad has as much fun in here as you guys.
- Who's your daddy? - Chris Pemberton.
Yo, that's Ziggy's boy.
- You guys know him? - Oh, we do now.
You guys can keep these, by the way.
I'm not allowed near fire since I burned down my house.
(loud laughter) - Oh! Ho, ho, ho.
- Yay! This is a very delicate dance, and a good chance for you to learn something, so sit back.
(belching) Completely lost my train of thought.
I can smell it through the glass.
What do you guys want? Uh, we're associates of your cellmate, Christopher.
Oh.
You mean Debra? Come on, man.
I know there's got to be something we can do for you on the outside.
Some loose ends that need tying up? No, thanks.
You son of a bitch, you listen to me and you listen good.
This is obviously a money play, so quit wasting my time.
What's it gonna be? Ten? 20? 30? Stop me when I hit your number.
I don't really care about money.
I'm locked in here for the rest of my life.
Nothing more than an animal in a cage.
Like a reptile in the zoo.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go play with my favorite toy.
Are you guys serious? You're way too old for this.
Butt out, Sabrina.
Yeah, sweetie.
Mama's gonna destroy your aunt.
I hope they have a good plastic surgeon in here 'cause you're probably gonna need a new nose j Whoa! See, one of the few good things about this place is the free workout classes.
Cardio kickboxing five days a week.
- Oh, yeah? How's their optometrist? - What? Oh! My eyes! (grunting) - Hey.
- (Mickey grunts) - (fence rattles) - Hey.
Oh! (both grunting) (gasps) - You should eat your veggies - No.
So you can grow up big and strong! (Mickey grunts) (Mickey yelling) - (Poodle groaning) - Oh! Oh! - Aah! - Submit.
- Never! - I swear to God, Mickey, I will break your finger.
Oh, please.
You don't have - (bone crunching, yelling) - Oh.
Sorry.
Oh.
I warned you.
- (Mickey groans) - (bone clicking) Oh, now I'm just gonna have to break something of yours.
- Don't know when to quit, do you? - (yelling) (Poodle groaning) Oh, God.
Put down! Ugh.
Hey.
- We're on the same team.
No.
- Ugh! You selfish bitch! - Today was supposed to be about me - (shrieking) and my closure, not you and your petty crap - from 50 years ago! - Take it easy.
Take it easy.
(Sabrina yells loudly) You withered old monsters! No.
Aah! Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I Save it.
Me, too.
Same here.
Oh, though I got to say, that was pretty therapeutic.
Visiting time's over.
Uh, wait.
Hey.
Sorry about your finger.
Don't sweat it.
I got a ton of 'em.
And I'll talk to the lawyers, make sure that you have all the money that you need.
- Thank you.
- GUARD: Let's go.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, sweetie.
- I'm gonna miss you guys.
- You remember what I told you? Always keep your head down and your chin up.
My man.
(sighs) Stay up, little man.
(sighs) Say hi to my dad if you see him.
You gonna stop setting fires? I promise.
Good boy.
- What's this? - So you have something to play with.
Thanks, little man.
(sighs) I know just where I'm gonna put it.
(clicks his tongue) Yeah.
Dad's not gonna make it, is he? Oh, I don't know.
You'd be amazed at what the human spirit can endure.
(Jimmy sucks air through his teeth) Hey, honey, I'm home.
You fellas need something? - (blow landing, squishing) - (groaning) (groans) DOMINIC: And that's for the little man.
(Christopher whimpers) MICKEY: I've never seen her move like that in her life.
- (laughter) - No, no, no.
I want more details.
Was it open hand, closed fist? - It was a fair amount of both.
- Ah.
This one blasted Poodle with a tree.
- Yeah.
- No.
Man, I wish I had been there.
- Yeah, you would've liked it.
- ALBA: Yeah.
Yeah, I wish we'd done it sooner.
It was cathartic.
What do you say we visit your dad next weekend? - Nice.
- No.
Maybe, uh, hold off on that, 'cause, uh, Christopher is still adjusting.
Yeah, to being a lizard man's plaything.
(phone buzzes) - Hello? - CHRISTOPHER: Chip, it's me.
Daddy? Oh, listen, I only have a minute, but I I wanted you to know that things have gotten a lot better for me here - since you left.
- Really? Dad, that's great news.
It is, and-and I'll tell you all about it later, but I got to run, um, but I'll call soon.
And I hope that you'll always know that I will love you like a son.
Good-bye, Chip.
Like a son? Ha.
You can burn that off.
No problem.
CHIP: Where are your teeth?