The Mimic (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

1 She's all right, isn't she? She's seen your impressions on YouTube and she likes them.
You never know who you fall in love with, Martin.
You always told me to get out of here.
You escaped, you can't come back at the first sign of difficulty.
The grass is always greener, innit? I'm going to miss you.
Please take care of yourself.
I'm not getting back with him, Martin, he's not the person I want to be with.
Right.
Yes? Hello, it's Martin Hurdle.
The Job Centre sent me, I'm the new maintenance man.
What's we found? Oooh, precious! Here's Johnny! I am the caretaker, now let's bleed some more Goddamn radiators, where's my boy Henry at? You are the caretaker, you've always been the caretaker.
That's right Henry, my boy.
Henry, you've so got the shining, amen.
Hello? Who's there? Oh, my God! You all right, mate? Ouch! I'm homeless, I sleep in here.
I thought you were a ghost.
I thought you were a load of ghosts.
You quit? Martin, you're 40 this week and you ain't got a job.
There were homeless people living in there.
Anyway, Harriet's got me a meeting with an agent.
A proper agent.
Oh, Martin.
How's it going with Harriet anyway? Really good, actually.
I can't believe you two are seeing each other.
What? You set us up.
Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually like her.
Did you know that one in ten homeless people are ex-service men? Oh, it's quite outdoorsy the army, though, isn't it? Bit weird though, innit? No, makes me feel quite safe to know our boys are out there on the street.
You can never find a policeman when you need one.
Ooh.
There is something not right down there.
Uh, Martin.
Shit! I've got to go to the hospital.
Right, I've got to go, the doctor's just come in.
Yeah, cheers, bye.
Martin! You all right, mate? Yeah.
Oh, what happened to your eye? Don't worry about that, what happened to you? Oh, I fell over, didn't I? Hurt my ankle, hurt my hip, hit my jaw, broke my phone and, well, psychological effects That's awful.
It ain't.
I'm injured at work, ain't I? Claims people reckon I can get a big pay-out.
Really? Yeah.
You know that dodgy drain cover by entrance D? I tripped over that.
I fell over that drain loads of times.
Oh, no, you should have reported it.
They reckon I can get 50 Gs.
They're well kissing my arse, the management, they're shitting it.
So, what happened to your eye, then? I got injured in the workplace, actually.
Oh, I handed my notice in.
Oh, you've missed the bus again, Martin.
Ooh and I'm getting a new phone.
I was texting when I fell and the screen broke.
So what you been up to, then? Not a lot.
Can you believe I'm 40 in a couple of days? Oh, yeah, well, I won't be able to make your surprise party now.
What surprise party? Whoops.
So when did you last have a proper job interview, then? I don't know.
Early noughties? The early noughties? When specifically? 2001, 2, 3, 4 I don't know.
2004 isn't the early noughties, it's halfway through the bloody noughties.
It's the first part of the noughties.
It's not the early noughties, though.
Look, let's not have an argument using the word noughties.
Well, things haven't changed that much since then.
Just make him feel like he's the one being interviewed.
OK.
I feel bad, Steven is meant to be my agent.
Well, where is he? He's on a beach in Thailand.
I am not dating a site-maintenance person.
So get in there and take control of your life.
Don't touch your willy.
Posture, Martin, engage the power stance.
Right, well Martin, I handle all sorts.
magicians, comedians "Ventriloquists.
" .
.
crooners, psychics, I've even got an impressionist on my books, Nigel Lord.
You've probably heard of him, he's a local sensation, that's him there.
So, where do you see yourself in five years' time? Here.
Doing this.
Now, I've looked at your tape, and I think you're good.
Not great, yet, but very good.
You hold yourself well, you're one of us, a proper entertainer.
Thanks.
How did you get the black eye? "Are you a drinker?" No, er, a homeless man scared me and I fell over.
"He likes a drink.
" I do, but when I get drunk he starts biting women.
"I can get away with anything.
" Who's your agent now? Well, my son was looking after me.
Look, it's cute when people have family as their agent but it very rarely works out.
You should sign with me.
What percentage do you take? "It's 20%.
" Very standard.
Well, er, I like your whole set-up and I've got nothing to lose, yeah, I'll sign with you.
Great, ha-ha.
I think you need to be doing live performance.
Right.
Nigel will give you a few pointers, I'll give him your number.
That'd be great, I've never met anyone else who does what I do.
You've got a good stance, Martin, you're poised for success, I can see that.
I like it.
Right, sign this here and here.
"Ooh, selling your soul.
" Stop it, Dean.
You're going to be a big star, like all these guys.
What happened to your eye? Lost a fight with a side board.
Cyborg?! No, side board, doing that night work.
Oh, right.
Here, I've got something I want to show you.
Yeah, what? Put the closed sign up, I need to show you my man cave.
I hope that's not a euphemism.
No, I want to show you my little bolt hole.
Yeah, that's not much better Well, this is it.
It's nice.
You could do a lot with this space.
No, this is it.
A man cave's supposed to have arm chairs and a big flatscreen.
Ah! My wife might be getting the house so I could be spending a lot of time down here.
Shit.
My own little space.
I've got to go and see a counsellor.
Oh, mate! What's the matter? I've got something wrong with my you know.
Is this what you wanted me to have a look at? No, thanks, I'd prefer a doctor.
I am a Google doctor.
And what happens in a man cave stays in a man cave.
This is a cellar, Neil.
Nah, this is what I wanted you to look at.
Ooh, very nice.
I know someone who can help us with this.
Right, make yourself comfortable.
I'll be finished in a couple of hours.
Yeah, he finds Stephen Fry's voice soothing so I got him a load of audio books, his autobiography, him reading all the Harry Potters.
I've got them on there on shuffle.
Helps him get to sleep.
Can you do Fry? Not really.
Bah, hello, Darling! Hello.
All right, Dad, it's your son, Neil.
This is Martin.
Nice to meet you, Martin.
You've met him before.
You liking these audio books, Dad? You like Stephen Fry, don't you? I like his voice.
He's got a good voice.
He went to a funny school.
Lots of weird things going on there.
That's Harry Potter, Dad, it's Hogwarts, it's a school for wizards.
Oh, yes.
A lot of buggery going on there.
Yeah, can you have a look at something for Martin? You'll need your little magnifying glass.
Yeah, we don't know if it's a diamond or just junk.
Hmm.
It's dirty.
I found it in a drain.
No, this is a diamond.
No milkiness, no blacking, no feathering, it's very crudely cut.
Oh, shit, is it? I mean, by today's standards, it's terrible.
But that's because this is Victorian.
Oooh! In 1876, Queen Victoria was crowned Empress of India.
British Empire got a lot of diamonds from India back then.
That's where this is from.
Cut by hand.
Could it have been hers? What, Queen Victoria's? Don't be daft.
You want to get that insured.
Ah, it's like Antiques Road Show.
Yeah, apart from the porno mags.
How much is it worth, Denholm? That? It's 2014, by the way, so adjust your price to that.
What year is it? Just give us a rough price.
Six grand.
But it needs to be set properly, though.
Wow.
That's great! Thanks, Denholm.
That's fascinating, all that stuff about India, Dad.
Shall we go and have breakfast? I reckon you're buying, Martin.
Do you have breakfast? I don't know.
Dementia, hey? Maybe we should get a second opinion? Yeah, ask him again after breakfast, see if it tallies up.
I think we need some banners and balloons.
Yes, and cake.
Cake? I've never seen Martin really eat cake.
No, he likes cake.
We had a cake the other night.
Oh, OK.
Well, we should definitely get him his favourite drink, so you get that and I'll get some cake.
Which favourite drink is it? Cos he's got a few, hasn't he? Oh, you don't know? Well, I suppose you haven't known him that long, have you? He likes real ale.
Look, Jean, I think you're being a bit defensive here.
Your body language is giving me all sorts of messages.
Erm, Harriet, I think you should check your own body language out before you start judging mine.
Well, I'm not judging your body language, I'm just reading it.
Seriously? Look at your body language, it's really bitchy! OK.
You know Martin better than me.
So what does he like? He loves bowling.
So, I'm Annabel.
And I'm a psychoanalyst.
It's a big long word and it can be a bit scary.
Do you have any preconceptions or thoughts about this word? Well, obviously, "anal" is jumping right out at me, but that's cos those letters are bigger than the others so it's a bit of a leading question.
No, all the letters are the same size, Neil.
Oh.
My dad's doctor recommended I come here.
And a couple of my customers over the years have said that I'm paranoid too, but I thought they were just trying to get to me.
What sort of things are you concerned about, Neil? Same as everyone, really.
Where are all the bees disappearing to? What if terrorists win the lottery? What's to be done about the horrors of Japanese knotweed? Polar bears, shrinking genitals, dirty bombs, and the big C.
Cancer? No, the sea.
I went on a luxury cruise, I hated it.
When was the last time you cried? At the cinema.
What was the film? I don't know.
I cried cos the fire alarm went off.
Right.
Neil, I'm going to give you an elastic band to put on your wrist, and I want you to ping it so it hurts a little bit every time you feel stress, and say aloud what it is that's making you anxious.
This could cut of the blood supply.
I could lose my hand, gangrene.
That's it.
This is a technique that will snap you back to reality, and help you see your fears are just thoughts to be controlled.
It's not too tight, Neil, it's perfectly safe.
How much is this all costing? Have you had a shower? This morning.
I've been running around all day.
Oh, Martin.
I've got some body spray here.
Ta.
Doesn't smell girlie, does it? Don't think so.
Hello? Hello.
Martin, it's Sean Connery.
I want you in my next movie.
Ha! Who is this? It's Nigel Lord, your new stable mate.
How's it going? Good, good.
Hello, Nigel.
Listen.
I think we should meet up together and go for a cheeky half, eh? Yeah.
Kingsley said you'd be able to give me some advice.
Yeah.
We're going to get on like a house on fire.
Cool.
I'm just in the middle of something, Nigel, I'll text you later.
I've got your number now.
Good game, good game.
Goodbye.
I've met this other impressionist.
I'm going for a drink with him.
Well, you'd better get this sorted out first.
I hope it's not an STD.
Could just be over-use.
Martin, don't.
Where's the pain exactly? Erm in my Jap's eye, I don't know the medical term, sorry.
Your urethra.
Have you been having lots of rough sex? No, I just banged my eye on the sideboard.
Well, rough sex can inflame the urethra.
I think you might have chlamydia.
You need to inform any sexual partners you've been in contact with.
Ah.
It's just the one.
Hang on, how far back? The last year.
Yeah, it's still just the one.
It's good to get checked up regularly, Mr Hurdle, but next time you don't need to go to such an effort.
OK.
All right? Yeah.
Might be chlamydia.
I'll have to tell Harriet.
I must have caught it off her.
Trouble in paradise.
Jean! Jean! What? That body spray was bloody glitter spray.
My penis looks like a little figure skater.
Oh.
Shit.
No wonder the doctor thought I was weird! Well, what you complaining about, Martin? It's your birthday, you've just got a new agent, and you've had a pejazzle.
Can I have a look? Where do you want to go for a drink, Nigel? Oh, er I know a little place.
Hang on, I just need to get some fags.
Ah, Miss Moneypenny.
20 of my usual cigarettes, please.
It's you again.
Yes, and this is my friend Roger.
Hello, darling.
Aren't you a pretty little thing? Thanks.
It's great to meet a fellow mimic.
Yes, it must be fantastic for you.
I don't normally show off my voices in public, I'm quite shy, really.
Oh, I bet you're not.
Sounds like you're making a decent living out of it, anyway.
Well, you know - I like nice things.
So who do you do, then? Attenborough, Wogan, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken.
Oh.
I do Christopher Walken.
Ah.
Cool.
Yeah.
So you might want to think about dropping him.
I know er a little short cut, over there.
Look, Nigel, I don't want to tread on anybody's toes, but I'm not dropping any voices.
Well, I think you should leave the agency, there's not room for two impressionists.
Nigel, I'm one good friend away from being homeless, I was cleaning drains out two days ago.
I need this! Well, that's crazy.
I'm the best there is.
With all due respect, I disagree, Nigel.
There can be only one.
I think we'll get along just fine.
Oooh, Betty, the dog's done a whoopsie on the carpet.
I don't want to be negative but you're so old school.
Ehhh, what's up, doc? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
Have you ever seen Family Guy? I did not have sex with that woman.
You do know there's a new President? You need to learn to move with the times.
Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to say goodbye to Martin.
Didn't he do well? Our planet is the only planet in the solar system to sustain life.
I'm free.
I've just seen Mrs Slocombe's pussy in the laundry department.
Now is the winter of our discontent, Made glorious summer by this sun of York.
Oh, Geoffrey, Geoffrey, please read us a story, Geoffrey.
Oh, yes, I'd love to hear a story, Geoffrey.
And there's a lovely dollybird that gets on the number 32 bus.
Ha-ha.
Shut your face.
Enough with the fucking bad celebs, I hate the way you fucking make me ride you.
I'm the king of the town, motherfucker.
OK, lets call it a draw.
Welcome to the agency, I suppose.
What's the matter? I've got chlamydia.
Oh, I've just got over that! Get used to it, you're going to get a lot of groupies.
You're quite good.
Why are we here? What is going on? Just wait and see.
Wow, no way! What a surprise.
Look at the crowd of people.
Why bowling? Jean said you liked bowling.
Oh, right.
Hello, disco dick.
Ha, very good.
Hello.
Hee-hee - now, where's Martin? Clown.
Balloon.
No, sorry.
I explained this to your colleague earlier.
He's 40, he's not four.
I don't know how that got confused in the booking.
Well, I thought I said it clearly.
Oh, OK.
Erm Does he still want a balloon? Yeah.
I'll have a balloon.
They've got real ale.
Oh, I don't fancy drinking.
Sorry.
Right.
Let's bowl.
Weird shoes.
Shiny floor.
Heavy balls.
Might get my thumb stuck.
Martin, I've got another surprise for you.
I've got Steven on FaceTime.
Steven? Oh, my God, thank you, Harriet.
Hello? Happy birthday, Dad! Hello, son.
Thank you, Harriet.
How are you? Good, good.
You? Yeah, I'm good.
Happy birthday.
Seeing anyone? Yeah, I am seeing someone actually.
Her name's Annabel, it's going really well.
Your shrink? I thought you meant you had a girlfriend.
Well - who knows where it might lead? We get on.
We talk for hours well, an hour.
She said I'm fascinating.
Right, everyone - can I have your attention, please? Martin's got a surprise of his own tonight.
Haven't you, Martin? 'Ooh, what's that, Dad?' Have I? Signed with a new agent.
'What was that? I can't see you.
'Why are you showing me the balls?' Yeah.
Erm 'What have you got, Dad?' .
.
I have got myself Chlamydia! He's got chlamydia.
'You've got what?' I've got chlamydia.
Yeah.
'What have you got, Dad? You're breaking up.
' I've got chlamydia Oh, he's gone.
I need to tell you, Harriet, doctor's orders.
That's why he's not drinking.
He's on antibiotics.
That's why I couldn't have the real ale.
Chlamydia? Well, you didn't get it from me.
I shared a bowling ball with her.
Thanks, Jean.
Now everyone's looking at me as if I'm guilty of giving it to him.
That is down to your body language, Harriet.
Jean was just trying to protect Steven anyway.
See, I've got to tell him I've got a new agent tactfully.
Well, I doubt he'd that worried.
He's in Ko Samui.
I've got chlamydia.
I must have caught it from you.
It's not that bad, you just need antibiotics.
# Happy Birthday to you Happy birthday to you Indoor fireworks.
Clown - again.
Happy birthday, dear Martin He's 40 years old.
He's a middle aged man now.
This is silly.
We're all getting old.
Cheers, everyone.
Here's to being 40! Oh, God.
I broke my elastic band!