The Nanny s02e03 Episode Script

My teacher told us about the comet that hit Jupiter.
It exploded like a million atom bombs.
That couldn't happen to earth, could it? Didn't you hear? Well, next year around your birthday, this giant comet will obliterate us.
Why do you think we're living like this? Dad's spending all his money because we're all going to die.
Hello, sweetheart.
Boy, your sister's in good voice today.
How's it going? Same old, same old.
Ma, get out of the taxi.
It's a spring in the dog's neck.
What are you so fascinated about? Yi, Leave me alone.
I like to sing along in the theather.
Ma, it wasn't a musical.
Oh, you should have seen her in "Shindler's List.
" She was snapping her fingers and singing away, "Papa, can you hear me?" Meanwhile, the show in my head was better than that crap we just saw.
So how was the theater, ladies? / Wonderful.
Thank you for the tickets.
/ Meanwhile, my feet are killing me.
Ma, those aren't your shows.
Oh, I kicked off my shoes in the theater.
These must be the lady's sitting next to me.
And you just put them on? You don't even look down? Sweetheart, I haven't seen my feet in 20 years.
Whose rain coat is this? Oh, I'll tell you, it's a miracle we got to Blimpy's without them throwing a net over us.
Come here, son.
Give grandma a hug.
Harder.
Squeeze me.
All right, Yetta, okay.
You should have seen her at Chip and Dales.
Her entire social security check went down a G-string.
Well, lucrative as that sounds, I really have to get back to work.
Oh, hi, kids.
Look who I brought home with me, Ma and you remember Grandma Yetta? Hi.
/ My little pitzalaughs.
Oh, they're all their father.
They got nothing from you.
Ma, these are not Fran's children.
Fran doesn't have any children.
She's not married.
She's all alone.
Louder, mom, I don't think they heard you in Uruguay.
More importantly, why doesn't anyone ever eat these fruit? Because they're wax.
Even the grapes? Fran, she's gonna to drive me to the looney bin.
I got news for you, Ma, you're already there.
You guys argue a lot.
/ Oh, no, we don't, honey.
It's just that we're all so very different.
It's hard to believe we're from the same family.
Oh, wait a minute, Ma.
You got a little smutz over there.
Hold on.
You got some mascara.
Hold it.
Whose purse is this? Let me see that.
/ Boy, today's your lucky day, Ma.
The purse matches the shoes.
Okay, kids, get ready for supper.
Say good-bye.
/ All right.
Bye, everyone.
Bye.
/ Good-bye, my darling.
Nice kids.
Meanwhile, they don't say two words.
Who could get two words in with you? Ma, don't wind me up.
/ Don't hit Nanna.
What are you an animal? Don't talk to your mother like that.
Well, all good things must come to an end.
Bye, Ma; bye, Grandma Yetta.
We'll go to the theater again soon.
Maybe next time you could pick up a hat.
Didn't you tell her? / What? Sweetheart, they're tenting the retirement home for termites.
Oh, fun.
So you're going to go stay with Ma? / Sort of.
Sort of like ultra-suede is sort of washable or sort of like you're sort of a Size 8? Well, I am in the United Kingdom.
/ Ma No.
Sort of like maybe she could sort of stay with you.
Here? Ma, why can't she stay at your place? No.
I don't want to be a burden on family.
These people I don't know.
Maxwell, have I ever told you how much I love working out of the house? I feel I belong here.
And the children are really warming up to me.
Hello.
No, there's no Maggie here.
You have the wrong number.
Excuse me, Cee Cee.
My daughter, Maggie.
/ Oh Hello.
Oh, Greg, listen, you do know Maggie has her own line, don't you? Yeah, well, that's quite all right.
Well, I'm very glad you like her.
Yeah, and I'm thrilled she drives you crazy.
Yeah, keep going Greg, and you'll never see her again.
Good-bye, Greg.
Knock, knock.
/ Yes, Miss Fine, what is it? Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, you just gotta indulge me here a minute.
You're not going to believe it.
My grandmother's retirement home is infested with termites, and my mother came up with the bright idea get ready for a loo loo that she should come stay here with us.
Ma I know I know.
She's a borderline clepto.
We wouldn't have a candy dish left in the house.
Oh, well, I'll go tell my mother that she's not staying.
Well, at least we know where she gets it.
Well, you know, Miss Fine, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
What's so funny, poking fun at a little old lady? What's that, that British humor that nobody gets? Well, Miss Fine, you, you just said yourself she was a clepto.
Yeah, well, I'm allowed.
She's my clepto.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you, but can't she stay with your mother? No.
The big cats can't share a cage.
Don't back down, Maxwell.
We don't need some old crone running around the house.
Yes.
We are crone heavy, sir.
Although with two, we'd have a set.
Never mind, Mr.
Sheffield.
I'll just take her to one of those 24-hour markets, let her squeeze fruit for a couple of days.
All right, look, Miss Fine.
I'll, I'll put her up at the St.
Regis Hotel.
How's that, huh? She'll have room service, everything, fit for a queen.
You can't insult family like that.
Me you can send, I got thick skin.
Besides, I think that it's good for children to spend time with their grandmother.
She's not their grandmother.
Oh, all right.
You tell her.
She stays alone like a dog in that home.
Fine.
Let her stay.
As a matter of fact, I want her to stay.
She can have the master bedroom.
Oh, no.
With that marble tub, she'll slip, break her hip, you'll have a lawsuit on your hands.
Miss Fine! Oh, thank you, Mr.
Sheffield, Thank you so much.
And I promise you won't even know that she's here.
Franny, can I sit outside in my brassiere? Will anyone see? Miss Fine, are you aware of this? Yeah, "Body Heat," with William Hurt and Kathleen Turner, before her little side trip to Pepperidge Farm.
Maggie is only 15 years old.
She's much too young to be watching movies this racy.
Oh, you call this racy? You obviously never saw "The Postman Always Rings Twice.
" Oh, when he cleared that table, hoooha.
Where is she anyway? I mean is she ever coming back from this date, or has she just moved out? Relax.
She's been back for an hour.
Oh, really? I didn't hear her come in.
Well, I didn't say she came in.
Leave them alone.
Leave them alone.
What are they doing? Nothing, nothing, all four hands are visible.
One, two, three here comes four.
Here comes four.
How much time does he need already? They just went on the date for heaven sakes.
He's not leaving for the Crimean War.
/ Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
Hello, children.
Good-bye, Greg.
I can't believe you did that.
I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Oh, really? Not even when you were watching "Body Heat"? You went in my room? Have you ever heard of privacy? How would you like it if I went through your stuff? Oh, don't bother.
He locks everything.
I don't ever want you seeing that boy again.
You can't stop me.
/ Oh, oh, oh.
Watch this.
You're grounded.
I hate you.
/ Well, that's tough.
You forgot to stick your tongue out.
/ Well, you might have backed me up a little.
Me? The Pips can't back you up.
What's all the commotion? / He went through my things.
Oh, honey, I know just how you feel.
At the home, they ransack your room two, three times a month looking for cake.
Come, we'll talk.
Don't fight in front of the kids.
/ Ow! Ow! See how sensitive Yetta is.
She'll be a great influence on Maggie.
You want a cigarette? Good morning, Niles.
/ Uh-huh.
What's the matter with you? Oh, it's very disturbing to see Mr.
Sheffield and Miss Margaret fight.
Oh, that was a fight? I hate you, who cares, and, now.
In my house the fight ain't over until the fat lady grabs the ginzo and says, "Here, cut my heart out.
" We never say a cross word in our family.
We just die very early of colon disorders.
Good morning, everyone.
/ Good morning.
Niles, tea.
What on earth is that? Grandma Yetta says this tea bag still has seven cups left in it.
My Bubba Yetta doesn't like to waste anything.
If food is moldy, it's a vaccine.
Ha, ha.
Oh, come on, lighten up.
You going to be this way when Maggie comes down? If I ever talked to my father the way she talked to me, I'd have been throttled within an inch of my life and thrown in the root cellar.
Why do you always have to take me to Oliver Twist land? Do you know how many times I told my father I hated him? Yeah.
And how did he react? / Oh, who the hell knows.
He couldn't hear a damn thing over that Bonanza theme blasting in the background.
Good morning, Margaret.
Daddy, I'm sorry I said I hated you.
Bubba Yetta said you only have one father, and she's right.
Well, I'm sorry too.
And you were going to tell her that she's not grounded anymore.
You almost forgot that part.
Ah, yes, I was going to say that.
What she said.
Well, Miss Fine, it seems I underestimated your booby.
That's bubby.
No one's ever underestimated my booby.
You know, Dad, it's a real pretty day.
Greg asked if I could go on a picnic.
May I? Well, Margaret, I don't think that sounds like a good idea.
So long as you're back by 6:00 Thanks, guys.
Have a wonderful time and don't do anything that I forgot I did.
Oh, don't worry.
I had a long conversation with Yetta.
/ Good.
You know, Yetta turned out to be pretty cool.
You know, she gave me a hundred bucks for my bar mitzvah.
Of course she also thinks my name is Smuey.
Something smells.
/ Just eat it.
No.
Like something's burning.
Seems to be coming from upstairs.
/ Oh, my God.
Yetta.
I can't believe she would be smoking in bed, not after that Circle 7 motel went up in never mind.
/ Yetta, Yetta, stand back.
Oh Ah.
Well, I was right.
She was smoking.
Oh, my God.
Yetta What a coincidence.
Saul said the same thing not ten minutes ago.
What the devil's burning? / Oh, God.
Oh, Saul, I ruined your bagel.
Oh, no, no.
You can just scrape off the top.
It's still good.
Miss Fine.
/ What did you do with all the cream cheese? Thank you, Miss Fine.
Thank you for bringing this influence into my home.
Well, you know, Mr.
Sheffield, it's really kind of sweet if you think about it.
.
Are you out of your mind? This is the Sheffield home.
No one ever has sex in this house.
This, this is the woman you let give my daughter advice about sex? Well, at least you know the advice was current.
Margaret / Oh, Miss Margaret just left, sir.
Oh, good morning, Ms.
Rosenberg, Mr.
Kanazel.
What? You knew about this? / Yes.
My room is directly beneath theirs Bravo I, I just can't believe I gave Maggie permission to go.
She's just a little girl.
/ Well, now, don't get all upset.
We don't know what Yetta told her.
Told who? / Maggie.
I told her we could all die tomorrow.
Go for it.
Go for it? / All right.
Now you could be upset.
I hold you completely responsible for this.
Why? What did I do? / She's your grandmother.
Oh, we don't know that for sure.
Some woman comes walking out of Europe with a dining room table strapped to her back.
She could be anybody's relative.
What? Good night, Niles.
/ It is now.
Oh, Niles, dear sweet pompous Niles.
Maxwell and Nanny Fine are on the outs, and there is nothing you can say to ruin this glorious feeling I have.
You want a bet? Grandma Yetta, aged 80, living in a home, got a heap of good loving last night.
And you? I hate my life.
Thank you.
Niles.
/ Oh, the coast is clear, Miss Fine.
Oh, boy, here she is now.
Devil with the blue hair on.
What? What? What? What? What? / Franny, you left your wallet right on top of your dresser.
/ So? Thank you.
Franny, I know it's none of my business.
But it might help your marriage if you got rid of that blond your husband's always hanging around with.
I don't know if you noticed, but your kids are blond.
They're not my kids.
He's not my husband.
Oy, she couldn't have spaced out like this with Mr.
Sheffield.
No, with him, she could recall things from the womb.
All I'm saying is that a blond like that with big shoulder pads dragged off your grandfather.
That was a Cossack.
Hi, Grandma Yetta.
/ Oh, come here, angel puss.
So, how was your day? Great.
I'm not worried about the end of the world.
I'm going to live life to the fullest.
/ That a girl.
What did I tell you? / Go for it.
Go for it? I thought you told that to Maggie? That's not Maggie? / No.
That's grace.
Now I'm confused.
Grace is the little one; Smuey is the boy; and the tall one is Maggie.
Hot pants? Tell her to go for it? What am I, senile? Your husband would throw me out of the house.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, here you are.
What are you doing out here? Waiting for Maggie? No.
I just have a game of stoop ball in five minutes.
Where is she? / Well, I've got good news for you.
Remember when we thought that Grandma Yetta told her to go for it with Greg? / Yeah.
Well, we were wrong.
/ Oh, thank God.
She told Gracie.
/ Oh, much better.
She's only seven.
And here I thought the woman was a kook.
Anyhow, Margaret still isn't home.
Well, you know, it was a picnic.
These things have to go at their own flow.
You have to eat.
Then my mother always says you have to wait at least an hour before you do strenuous physical activity like Frisbee.
Please, Miss Fine, I'm just not in the mood.
Gee, no man's ever said that to me before.
Although I'm sure Lisa Marie is getting an ear full of it.
Come on, Mr.
Sheffield, has Maggie ever given you a reason not to trust her? Yes.
And they all coincided with your arrival.
Suddenly she wants to go kissing boys and going off to parties and concerts and things.
Who does she think she is? A teenage girl? Um, oh, Miss Fine, I'm her father.
I just want to protect her.
I know.
But sometimes you're just going to have to sit on your hands and let them grow up.
/ What if she grows up wrong? Well, you've still got Smuey and the little one.
Come on, Mr.
Sheffield.
Don't be her enemy.
Oh, no, of course not.
That's the last thing I want to do.
Thanks, Greg.
/ She's home.
How long does it take a picnic, huh / Oh, now, now, now.
You see, you're getting all wound up again.
Just calm down.
Don't let her think that you were worried.
In fact, why don't you just go upstairs.
Go ahead.
/ But I I'll be up in a minute.
Trust is a good thing.
Trust is character building.
Go ahead.
I'll take care of everything.
Everything's fine.
Where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is? Your father was so worried, I had to send him to bed.
Fran, we didn't do anything.
Greg and I decided to cool it.
Why? I mean, good.
I'm just not ready yet.
Besides, do you think I'd get into any serious stuff without talking to you first? Oh, well, I thought you talked to Yetta.
Yetta? Please, I zoned out somewhere around buying a cow and you can get the milk for free.
/ Oh, yep, yep, yep.
That sounds like her.
Well, it should take you a good long while to get that image out of your head.
And in the meantime, let me tell you something that's a little more hip and a little more happening.
Don't do a thing if you ain't got that ring.
Doowap, doowap, doowap.
Oh, I just love that Mike Meyers doing that coffee-talk thing.
That clip lady is so funny.
Oh, please.
Who talks like that? And that big hair I think it's very stereo typical.