The Neighbors s02e03 Episode Script

All right hon, I'm off to work.
The kids' sleepovers are all set up, and we are all clear for our big date night.
- I'm very excited.
- Oh, me too.
I keep thinking about those lamb chops.
And spending time with you I didn't say that part because it was implicit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Waffle me, woman.
Ooh.
Mm.
Good morning, Marty.
Is that a waffle in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me? Still not doing that joke right.
- That's what she said.
- Nope! - Ready to brainstorm business ideas? - Yes.
I thought we could create dream boards to come up with ideas.
I saw it on the fifth hour of the "Today" show.
You cut out pictures that you love, - and you glue them to poster board.
- Mm.
It'll be good when I have a business, because then I won't watch so much stupid "Today" show.
So, how do dream boards work? Well, you look at it for inspiration, and then you have an epiphany about your destiny.
Oh, that sounds easy.
Huh.
No epiphany? Maybe if I stare a little longer.
Why are there so many pictures of Risotto? Oh, rice represents bounty, and the only subscription we had was to Bon Appétit magazine.
Are you sure this is the way to come up with an idea which will be profitable? Oh, Jackie, I don't want money to be the driving force here.
I mean, extra cash would be great, but I need to find a job that makes me feel fulfilled.
Said no one who ever worked in a coal mine.
All right, I'm off.
Have a good date night.
Thanks.
Keep thinking on it, will ya? Key word "Fulfilling.
" Welcome to Salsa Castle.
May I take your order? Oh, fulfilling my ™ª We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee then the humans moved next door started testing all our limits so sit right down, enjoy the show we'll be done in 30 minutes Oh, what the Marty! What the hell is going on! Why is there a hole in the wall? Well, you said you wanted a built-in entertainment center for how long now, right? I'm the guy that's gonna give it you.
Is this about last night? What? No.
Are you sure there's nothing about last night that you want to talk about? 'Cause I'm a good listener.
Remember in high school, I was named "best listener"? Oh, because of your understanding nod.
Yep.
There it is.
That's it.
So? Anything? Yeah.
I, uh I, uh Okay, I got to get to the hardware store and get some wooden shelves.
I'm gonna get wooden shelves.
Got to get some wooden shelves for the You and I are gonna have a long week.
Hang in there.
That's one Dragon egg breakfast burrito and one King Arthur's quesadilla.
Would you like me to knight that for you? Duh.
I hereby knight your breakfast burrito an Excalibur-rito, and you, a knight of the Salsa Castle.
Thanks, Wench.
Oh.
I hear that.
And raise you a Oh, Keef.
If you weren't so hilarious, the night shift here would be pure torture.
Oh, what's a classy lady like you doing in a castle like this anyway? Oh, well, my father-in-law used to support my family, but he didn't like our decision to stay here on earth Um, in, uh, New Jersey So he cut us off.
Oh, I feel you on that.
My parents cut me off after they found out I was spending rent money on mime classes, just a couple of dream killers.
Oh, yeah.
The worst part is I'm too ashamed to tell my best friend, especially since Debbie Weaver looks down on anything that doesn't "nourish the soul.
" Oh.
Ohh, I wish I had Herb's manager job.
All he does is watch cat videos all day.
He never has to knight anything.
Yeah, Herb's killing it.
Uh, let's look around.
So this, for example monstrosity is gonna have to go.
Anything that looks like tin, but actually isn't, is probably paper.
That can go.
Who is that? Oh, it's the new owner.
She got the restaurant in a divorce settlement.
If you want to be manager, she's the one to impress.
So You would have made a wonderful mime.
You're so good.
Hello.
My name is Jackie Joyner-Kersee, and I work for you.
Oh, did I just hear what I thought I heard? Yes, my name is Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
When we moved here, we took on the names of I mean your accent.
Never thought I'd find a fellow brit working at one of my husband's tacosituations.
Yes.
That's me.
Just a brit.
Well, Helen Reading-Kemper.
Pleasure.
Pleased to meet you, Helen Reading-Kemper-pleasure.
Oh! He's an aspiring mime.
So good.
Aw.
Reggie, I can't decide if I want this foot-massaging ottoman in horse-mane mahogany or shark-tooth ivory.
You have a flair for design.
What does your gut say? My gut says you should help me clip coupons.
Oh, we don't need coupons.
Your mother is out earning mad coin at the Mexican folded-sandwich shop.
Maybe you should get a job too.
What?! Me?! A job?! I have a job! It's called "being the supreme leader of this community," and a big part of that is keeping up appearances.
It seems like all you do is buy meaningless stuff.
Reggie, this bracelet not only monitors my R.
E.
M.
sleep, it also comes fully loaded with every song R.
E.
M.
ever recorded.
Now, if that is meaningless I probably shouldn't have bought two of them.
Father, can we get a dog? Absolutely.
A purebred.
That is the spirit.
Good, because I heard panhandlers make more money when they have a cute dog.
Dick, everyone in this family has a job.
Your mother sells tacos, and we men keep up appearances.
- Sorry, father.
- Shame.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go and parade my fur.
He looks phenomenal.
™ª Behold me, Marty Weaver.
For I am a fancy boy without a financial care in the Wait a minute.
What's happening here? You're sawing lumber.
You're listening to something besides Michael Bublé.
It's almost as if you were recently emasculated, and now you're subconsciously overcompensating to prove your manhood.
Larry, that's is Incredibly perceptive.
I'm not just a pretty face in a gorgeous hat.
Yeah, no, you're right, Larry.
I guess I am trying to feel like a man.
Larry, last night, Debbie and I, we had date night.
And it started out great.
I ordered Please spare me the extraneous details.
I have three more blocks to parade, and this hat is much hotter than I anticipated.
It's real polar bear.
Don't tell anyone.
Tell everyone! Sorry.
You were saying.
- Well, after dinner - Mm-hmm.
- You know, we came home.
- Mm-hmm.
And, um I couldn't, uh I couldn't achieve lift-off, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, Marty.
All I know is baby polar bear does not breathe.
Uh, look Oh, you need advice.
Um, it's my understanding that men on this planet overcompensate for their problems by throwing themselves into something totally unrelated.
Looks like you're on your way.
Well done.
Carry on.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to stick my head in the deep freezer.
So we moved here when my ex was hired to bring Salsa Castle stateside.
Two years later, I have no husband, a taco restaurant, and a 10-year-old who blames me for the whole mess.
So I'm just one gay sidekick away from a show on Bravo.
I have a 10-year-old son, as well.
Oh! That's another thing we have in common.
Are you married? I hope not.
No.
I am divorced, just like you.
Rough.
- What are the odds? - So slim.
- It's been very nice to have a fellow countrywoman to talk to.
- Yes.
I will see you soon, I hope.
UhHow about tonight? You could come over for dinner.
Our sons could meet.
Ooh, well, um A traditional English dinner does sound very nice, if it's not too last-minute? Oh, no, no.
It's exactly the perfect amount of minutes.
Yay.
- Yay! - Oh! - Bye! - Bye.
Oh, this is perfect! We're gonna bond.
And she's going to see that I am just like her.
And in no time at all, she's going to promote me to manager! I just have to pretend to be divorced, and that my sons are from British.
- Sometimes I pretend you're divorced.
- Oh.
Hey, Jackie.
Want to have another brainstorming sesh? - I can't brainstorm today.
- Well, why not? Because it is Zabvronian new year.
Oh, happy newyear.
- Hey, toots.
- Hey! Want to talk? I was voted "best listener"! Family, gather! Oh, baby, baby, please.
Come on.
We've talked about this.
Can you change out of your uniform in the garage so that you don't stink up the house with your burrito smell? I am the one supporting this family.
I will smell how I please.
So, my boss and her son are coming over tonight for dinner.
But they think we're fancy and British because, unlike our children, we chose the best human accents.
So I'm going to need you to pretend to be British people.
Absolutely not! I'm not gonna put on a performance for this British snob.
Good.
You're not invited.
What? Oh, now I desperately want to go.
How did you do that, you devil? No, you can't come.
She thinks we're divorced.
Well, we'll say we're cordially divorced and live together.
It's modern.
"The Cosby Show" was about a couple that lived like that.
Okay, fine cordially divorced like the Cosbys.
So, what do you say, boys? Can you learn how to be British in the next eight hours? ™ª God save our gracious queen long live our noble queen God save the queen send her victorious happy and glorious long to reign over us God save the queen o lord, our God arise scatter her enemies and make them fall mm.
Yeah.
™ª confound their politics frustrate their knavish tricks on thee our hopes we fix God, save us all! Oi! Oh, they're here.
Arrange yourselves.
Yes.
Welcome, Helen! Come in! Jackie, it's so nice to see you.
And thank you for inviting us ™ª The name's James Bond.
James Bond.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Helen.
And this is my son, Nicholas.
Larry Bird the ex.
I still live here because we're modern.
Sometimes I take lovers, and they live here, too.
We've modeled our lives after fellow brit Tilda Swinton.
She moved her lover into the home she shares with her ex, so, you see I'm just a Tilda.
And so this young man is the lover? What's wrong with you?! He's our son! Oi, oi, oi, welcome to me flat.
'Ope you like Manchester, right? Oh, wait.
I screwed up my intro.
The name's James no! It's me James Wait, that's not right.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Tally ho.
Pip, pip, what? Hey, did you know it was the Zabvronian new year? Nope.
I've been pretty slammed here.
Well, Jackie was weird about it, so I made her a banner to cheer her up.
I came up with this whole backstory for the guy in the print shop about this imaginary land.
And did you draw yourself a tattoo? Yep.
It's a rattlesnake.
You know, I just thought I'd temp it on there, see how I felt about it before I committed.
So far, I'm loving it.
Yeah, so, um, I have an idea.
Since there's nothing you want to talk about, why don't we skip the talking and go upstairs and have ourselves another date night again? You're crazy.
Come on.
You know date night is Friday night.
You're crazy.
Marty.
Marty! I-I'm sorry, hon.
I have to drill.
Why are we eating in the bedroom? Oh, we're eating upstairs, because, Helen, like you, we are strictly upstairs people.
It's in our blood.
Well, she crafted a tong down the frog for the apples and pears, saved a lot of trouble.
- Sorry? - Right.
I got them anywhere from in China, but, mind you, I'm more of a Susan Boyle.
The name's Goldfinger.
James Goldfinger.
Dinner will be served shortly.
It's a traditional English dinner.
It's traditional shepherd's pie, as is our mutual British tradition.
Why don't you say "tradition" one more time? You remind me of my ex.
'Course he does.
We both had terrible, ungrateful husbands, which makes us practically twins.
And twins look out for each other in the professional world.
Care to ask my name? I know your name.
It's James Bond.
No.
It's not.
It's Bond.
Bond Bond.
I'm tanking this.
Ugh! Enough! I hate it here! I'll be downstairs playing "Mario.
" Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! You leave me just like your father.
Well, let's not allow that sad parenting moment to ruin an otherwise glorious evening.
Boys, sing us the music of our people! ™ª If you want to be my lover ™ª you got to get with my friends got to get with my friends with my friends Happy new year! Oh, who are you? I'm Nicholas.
Are you visiting for new year's? Oh, great.
You're crazy, too.
Is someone here? Oh, Debbie.
Hi.
I was just drawing our family new year's bath.
Oh, hell no.
No, I'll be in the car.
Jackie, what's going on here? - Hello, pussycat.
- Oh, hi, Dick.
Happy new year! I don't know what you're talking about, pussycat.
Jackie, didn't you say it was the Zabvronian new year? All right, fine, I made the whole thing up, 'cause I didn't want you to know the truth, which is that I got a menial job.
You did? Yes.
I'm actually entertaining my boss right now in the hopes of a promotion.
Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't want you to look down on me.
You're always saying you wouldn't want to do any work that wasn't fulfilling, and my job is It's just a job.
Jackie, do you know how many "just jobs" I've had in my lifetime? No.
Oh, a cater waiter, a dish washer, a hair washer, a dish dryer, a hair dryer I spent most of my 20s getting things wet or unwet.
I'm proud of you, Jackie.
There's nothing embarrassing about supporting your family.
Thank you, Debbie.
If only my husband shared your opinion.
Oh, husbands are exhausting.
Mine Hey, Larry can I talk to You? - Why do you need to talk to Larry? - That's it! I can't take one more minute with that British snob.
Oh, do you need more advice? Is it still about trying to lift something off of Debbie? You talked to him, but you didn't talk to me? Deb, wait a minute Just one second.
Ohh, this is exhausting.
Can we please stop trying to impress people and get that dreadful woman out of my bedroom/dining room? No, we cannot, Larry.
We have to impress her so that she gives me a promotion so that we can keep the electricity on for our children.
If you will excuse me, I am going to go and try and salvage the evening.
Why don't you buy yourself another foot massager, seeing as you refuse to be part of the solution?! Yes, I am part of the problem.
Deb.
Come on, Deb.
Deb, stop.
Stop.
Please, just listen to me, okay.
I was embarrassed.
I never had that problem before.
It didn't exactly make me feel like Mickey Rourke.
You need to update your sexy reference.
Marty, we've been together 28 years.
What happened last night has never happened.
Well, now, there was that one time after the really upsetting episode of "S.
V.
U.
" - Remember? - Doesn't count.
That was your body being respectful.
- That's true.
- Other than that, your reputation is flawless.
Well, when you say it like that, I guess I'm kind of like a stud, huh? I'm a regular Michael Bolton.
Michael Bolton? We need to get you out more.
Apologies for all the craziness.
I guarantee that my ahepherd's pie is well worth the wait.
Baa! Okay.
Okay, I think it's time that I joined my son.
You people are insane.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um, okay.
Look, it's just that I'm not We're not We are not who we say we are.
Well, we're not British society.
Larry Bird.
Yes, I was once a fancy daddy's boy.
I rowed crew on the Charles, traveled with Prince Charles, went to every taping of "Charles in charge," but then my father cut me off.
My ex-wife was hoping to impress you tonight so that you would promote her to manager, because she is the only one supporting our family.
I tried to pretend I was helping by keeping up appearances.
But the truth is, I never had a real job, at least not one I didn't inherit from my father.
What if I find that my wife is good at everything, and I'm no good at anything at all? Oh, God.
So just another useless trust-fund baby.
Yeah, exactly like my ex.
Jackie, I thought I saw myself in you.
I didn't realize we'd both married the exact same moron.
However, you will get your promotion.
Oh! Because I can't see how you can support two children and a fool by squirting cheese out of the end of a sword all day.
Oh, thank you so much! I-I don't know how I'm going to repay you.
Aw.
Well, you can start by not inviting me to dinner again.
Oh.
Good night.
- To Jackie! - To Jackie! What about me? I really came through in the end.
I mean, it seemed like it was Jackie's story at the beginning, but it was really my story at the end.
I'm the one who grew.
We're very proud of you, too, Larry.
And from now on, no more secrets.
Oh, it's okay.
When it comes to money and sex, humans should keep some things to themselves.
- What? Who's talking about sex? - Hmm.
Seriously? Oh, sorry, guys.
That's the alarm for me to take my new cholesterol meds.
Wait, is your medication the one with the tv commercial with the couple dancing in the gazebo? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- I hate that he has to take it.
I watched this segment on the 11th hour of the "Today" show where they talked about the side effects.
Yeah, well, luckily, I haven't had any side eff - The cholesterol medicine! - Of course! - I knew it wasn't me! - Oh! - That was me.
- Mm.
Excuse me.
Goodbye, solar-powered blender.
Oh, the fun we would have had on the beach.
Fare thee well, bidet-on-the-go.
May you find someone else to keep as fresh as a Daisy.
Well, that's it.
That's all my fanciness.
Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm.
All right.
That's everything, you bloodhound.
We'll mail this back tomorrow.
I'm very proud of you, husband.
I hope your pride keeps my head as warm as a summer day and my undercarriage as fresh as a spring morning.
™ª the name's Bond.
James Bond.
Dick! It's over! Aw, bloody hell.