The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e03 Episode Script

Um, did I not mention to you my new philosophy? Of saying yes.
Does that mean you want me to Yes.
And he's sincere and easygoing, and sexy, I just really like him.
Daddy? Christine.
What? - That's my date.
- That's my father.
- You're father? - Your date? You got to be freaking kidding me.
Don't answer that.
Hi, we're not home right now.
So leave a message for Christine, - Ritchie, - and say it.
Matthew.
Oh, come on.
Hi, Christine, this is Jeff.
Haven't heard from you since our date.
Don't know if you got my message so I thought I'd leave another one.
I'm hoping that you didn't get the first message, because now there'd be two messages on your machine and that would make me look not cool.
And I think we both know how cool I am.
Bye.
Well, he sounds cool.
Why aren't you talking to him? I thought you liked him.
No, I do like him but he's new Christine's dad.
I mean we had a great first date and everything but don't you think that's weird? That he wants a second date with you-- absolutely.
Shut up.
You'd marry me in a second.
Besides, I'm too busy to date.
Well, call me when you're free.
What are you doing? I finally decided to get my act together.
Wait, this isn't about your audition tape for So You Think You Can Dance.
No, not that act.
Ooh, although I did watch that tape the other day and I don't think I can dance I can dance.
I have decided to get organized.
You know how I'm always writing little reminders to myself on little scraps of paper, and then nothing ever gets done? Well, from now on, everything I have to do is going on this board.
Come on, help me.
- This one has gum in it.
- All right.
Well, then skip it, give me another one.
"Get dry erase board.
" Huh.
What do I do, should I write it down then cross it out? God, I don't know.
This has never happened before.
Okay, give me another one.
What's a witch detective? Oh, that's my idea for a TV show.
- Oh, that's really good.
- Yeah.
All right, um, oh, here.
Grandparents' Day-- this Friday.
Write that down.
What's Grandparents' Day? Oh, it's another way Ritchie's school has of getting money.
They invite all the grandparents for a pancake breakfast, and try to get them to include Westbridge into their wills.
Wait uh, Mom and Dad are coming here this weekend? You can't just spring this on me.
I told them I was on sabbatical.
Uh, where was I? When did I get back? What the hell is a sabbatical? Relax, they're not coming to see you.
They're going straight to school, say hi to Ritchie and be out of there before their beers get warm.
Don't answer that.
Hi, we're not home right now, so leave a message for Christine, - Ritchie, - and say it.
Matthew.
Oh, come on.
Hey, it's me, just thought I'd true you again.
Get that, I'll wait.
I'm at the door.
She's coming.
I didn't want to just stop by, but it was either this or drop leaflets on your lawn from a plane, so, here I am.
I was going to return your calls but I've been super-duper busy.
Yeah, since Witch Detective took off, we hardly see her anymore.
Get out.
Come on in.
What-what, um, what are you doing here? Well, I can't stop thinking about our date.
I thought it it was great.
But then, when you didn't call me back, I thought maybe it wasn't great.
And then I started thinking about the other things I thought were great, and maybe they weren't great either.
I-Is baseball great? Is democracy great? I-I don't know anymore.
No, it was; it was a great date.
So let's go on another one.
Oh, I don't know.
You're my ex-husband's girlfriend's father.
I mean isn't that a little weird? Give it one more chance.
One date.
And if it's still weird, we'll just give it one more chance.
Oh, you're her father.
But when I'm with you, I'm not thinking about Old Christine.
What-- who? Oh, sorry, it's just that I've known my daughter longer, so I refer to you as New Christine, which makes her Old Christine.
Well, one more date wouldn't kill me.
So second date wasn't so bad, was it? No.
In fact, I think it was better than our first date.
Wonder what's going to happen on our third date? Well, I'll give you a little hint: If it's anything like my previous third dates you might want to work on your home run trot.
So you're still feeling okay about everything? Yeah, you know, so what if it's a little weird.
Yeah, some of my best relationships have been a little weird.
And when it's just us, not weird at all.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Richard.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Ritchie.
Hey, Christine.
I think we're done.
I-I have to go, Mom.
No, they're calling us back to the sabbatical room.
Yeah, of course it has a room.
Uh, do you even know what a sabbatical is? Oh, it is? Okay, I-I love you.
I do show it.
I have to go.
Bad news.
Mom and Dad can't make Grandparents' Day.
Why not? Dad's run out of miles on his car lease, Mom did some calculations and, at 15 cents a mile, it just wasn't worth it.
Does this mean I can't go to Grandparents' Day? No, of course not, sweetie.
You know what, Uncle Matthew will go as your special friend.
I don't want to go with a special friend.
The only one in my grade who has a special friend is that weird kid with the gray hair.
To be honest, I'm also getting a little uncomfortable introducing myself as a nine-year-old boy's "special friend.
" Daddy, maybe you could go as Ritchie's grandfather.
You guys had so much fun when we went miniature golfing the other day.
Well, I'd be happy to, if Ritchie wants me to.
Yeah, that'd be great! What?! No, no.
I'm sorry, that's not appropriate.
Appropriate? You once dated your cousin.
Second cousin.
And he asked me out.
Besides, it would be confusing.
Jeff is way too young to be a grandfather.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Your hands don't shake; you've heard of TiVo.
You can't be a grandfather.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
But I am a grandfather.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I have two grandchildren from Christine's sister.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Their names are Sasha and Caleb.
No, they're not.
He's such a good grandfather.
Those kids love their Papa Jeff.
.
P Papa Jeff? That's what they call me.
Please can I go with Papa Jeff? I don't have anyone else to go with.
Uh F Fine, Ritchie.
He can go with you.
- Who can go with him? - Shut up.
Hello, everyone.
I'd like to welcome you to the Westbridge school Grandparents' Day.
I'm Marcy Nunley; I'm the new principal here at Westbridge.
And I'd especially like to welcome all of our grandparents, our parents and special friends-- Hi.
I know those pancakes are tasty, but this event is really about raising money for our children and our school.
Remember our theme: "You can't take it with you, and we'd love to have it.
" I'm really glad you let me come.
Yeah, me too.
So is this considered our third date? Because I brought my batting glove.
Your mother looks like she's having a good time.
No, she's just had so many face lifts, her mouth is stuck that way.
The kids call her the Joker.
I think it upsets her.
How can you tell? Oh, hey, look-- it's Christine.
Who's she with? Is that her dad? It must be.
Wow, he's so handsome and well-dressed.
Oh, she must take after her mother.
Oh, God, that's good.
You know, sometimes, I wish I was the funny one and you were the pretty one.
I think those two women are staring at us.
Ugh, ignore them.
Those are the meanie moms.
They're awful-- all they do is judge everyone and gossip.
Should I step away? Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? Because if you'd rather be with one of the other grandfathers, I completely understand.
You know, I can honestly say that you are the only grandfather I have ever wanted to be with.
- Oh! Hello.
- Daddy's girl.
I'm going to bring Ritchie his pancakes.
Okay.
I'm going to get us some coffee.
I'll be right over there.
- Hi, Christine.
- Hi.
You having a nice Grandparents' Day? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
You seem to have a very close family.
Yes, you certainly seem to be daddy's best girl.
What? Oh.
Ew! Oh, no.
That's not my father.
No, no, no.
That's New Christine's father.
Why were you kissing him? Um, because I'm, um I'm sort of dating him.
You're dating your ex-husband's girlfriend's father? Yeah.
That's right.
Well, you know, Christine, if we don't tell you enough, we are so happy you're at this school.
That's nice.
Ugh! I got so distracted by those meanie moms, I left my pancakes at the buffet.
Well, have some of mine.
Oh, thank Mmm.
Thank you.
Can I have a bite, Daddy? Do you want some more, Princess? - No, I'm good.
- No, thank you.
Oh.
I think he was talking to me.
Actually, he's called me Princess since I was a baby.
My dad called me Frizz.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.
Uh, can I go show my art project to Papa Jeff? Ritchie, don't call him that.
It makes your mom feel preposterous.
No, it doesn't.
I'm completely fine.
Yes, Ritchie, go show your project to Pa Papa Jeff.
Okay, Ritchie, but we better stop by the nurse's office and have your hearing checked.
I think you got something in your ear oh! Awesome! Did you? What is it about grandpas that they can always find change in kids' ears? I know you're really enjoying yourself, Richard, but I just want you to know, it doesn't bother me at all.
- It doesn't? - No.
Not even a little bit? I said it doesn't bother me.
Yeah, I've decided to do this.
I'm going all the way.
In fact, today counts as our third date, so when I say I'm going all the way, I mean, I'm going to - Mrs.
Nunley.
Hi.
- Hi.
I just wanted to make sure I got to say hi to all the grandparents.
Oh.
Unfortunately, my parents couldn't make it this year.
Oh.
Oh, that's too bad.
And you are? Oh, I'm Christine Campbell.
I'm Ritchie's mom.
- Oh, of course.
Hi.
- Hi.
We invited my father instead.
Oh, fantastic.
And you must be? I'm also Christine.
His girlfriend.
Oh, I see.
Which would make you? I'm Ritchie's dad, her ex-husband.
Her boyfriend.
Hi.
I know it sounds a little complicated, but I'm fine with it.
It works for me, so nothing else really matters.
- Oh, my God! - What? I just thought of the greatest thing.
If New Christine and I get married, and you and Jeff get married, you'll be my mother-in-law.
No, I won't.
The fourth grade class will now sing a song to those important people in our lives we call grandparents.
Hey, Christine, what do you have when mother-in-law's up to her neck in concrete? Not enough concrete.
Funny.
It was funny 20 minutes ago, and it's funny now.
# You're a grand old man, # # you're a generous man # # And we love how you # # give to our school # # With your silver hair # # You were there last year, # # when we needed an Olympic pool # # Should auld # # acquaintance you forget # # Just remember # # we need your check! # Did you enjoy the singing, Mother Campbell? You still got it.
I got another one: What do you have when your mother-in-law is up to her neck in quicksand? I hate you? Close.
Sand that's not quick enough.
Oh, hey, I got one.
What did the mother-in-law do to thejackass? What? Ow! Don't pay attention to him, Christine.
What the hell is wrong with you now? I'm just so happy.
I love my dad so much, and I've always respected you.
And now that you're together, it's just so great.
You know, I never had a very close relationship with my mother.
We hardly ever talked.
And I got my period at a very young age.
Oh, my God, I-I got to get out of here.
I-I can't breathe.
I don't know why I let myself get close.
Christine, hold on.
I don't want to hear any more jokes.
Come on, you joke about New Christine all the time.
Like how she's so dumb, she has to take off her shirt to count to two.
Or when you killed that moth, and you said she moved up on the brain donor list.
Well, that's different.
That's funny.
Anyway, it's not just your lame jokes, Richard.
It's everything.
It's the pancakes and the princess and the periods.
She's not my daughter.
I don't want to be her mother.
I thought you liked Papa Jeff.
I do.
I did.
I-I don't know.
I just I've just got to get home.
Wait.
What do I tell people? I don't know.
Just tell them I got sick.
That was my mother-in-law.
She had to leave.
Her broom was double-parked.
It's funny.
Oh, I'm glad you're home.
I went through all your papers and completely organized your life for the next two months.
Everything is color-coded, according to type of activity: Home, Work, Ritchie or Personal, and I devised this dot system to indicate priority.
I think you're, uh, really going to like it.
I may be wrong.
What are you doing? I'm sorry, but this situation with Jeff is getting more and more complicated.
I need the board.
I need to chart what our family tree would look like if Richard married New Christine and I married her father.
Okay.
Let's put it on the board.
Okay.
Write my name in the middle of the board.
Yes.
Now write Richard next to me, and connect us with a line.
A broken line.
Thank you.
And then put Ritchie underneath us.
Yes.
And then put New Christine next to Richard.
And write P Pa Papa Jeff up there.
That is correct.
Now draw a line from New Christine up and across and over to me, and Oh, my God.
I'm Ritchie's grandmother.
Where should I put me? Oh, who cares? Just go next to me.
All right, now what we have to figure out is what would happen if we had a baby.
You and me? What? No.
Ew! Why would we have a baby? I don't know.
Let's just play with it.
Okay, stop it! Matthew, stop! Come on, draw a line from me and Papa Jeff down to our daughter.
Why daughter? I don't know.
I figure, at my age, it's more likely I'd have a daughter.
At your age, it's more likely you'd have dust.
Matthew, would you please help me? Sorry.
What's your daughter's name? Um I don't know-- Jordan.
Really? What about Kayla? Yeah, that's nice, too.
- Oh, I know.
How about Emma? - Oh, that's good.
Hey, what about Pockets? Pockets?! No.
It's Emma.
Oh my God.
Emma is my daughter and my granddaughter, and Ritchie's sister and Ritchie's aunt.
And if we had Emma, she'd be your daughter and niece, and Ritchie's sister and cousin.
What? What?! Why are you doing this? Why do you keep trying to make us have a baby?! I don't know.
I don't know why I'm doing any of this.
Who is it? Is everything okay? Richard told me you had diarrhea.
Oh, God.
Should I put it on the board? Get out.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't have that.
What happened? Why did you leave? I don't know.
I just freaked out.
I had to come home and get it straight.
I charted what our family tree would look like.
- Looks confusing.
- Confusing?! Connect the dots, you get a map of freakin' Alabama! Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself? No, I'm not.
- Who's Emma? - That's our daughter.
Hey, Jeff today, at Ritchie's school, with everybody there, I got a glimpse of what the future would be like, and it is so messed up.
Is that because you and Matthew have a baby? Okay, stop-- stop looking at the board, okay? I Oh! I like you a lot.
And I like you.
So why can't we just look past the other stuff? Look, you've got to understand this from my point of view.
I mean, what if I said that, in order to date me, we'd have to hang out with your ex-wife and her husband? I'd rather have diarrhea.
Exactly.
I mean, it's great when it's just us, but it's never going to be just us.
It's always going to be weird.
Isn't this a conversation for way down the line? No.
Way down the line, I'm going to be in love with you, and then it's going to be too painful to tell you I don't want to do this.
You don't want to do this? It's just It's too incestuous.
You dated your second cousin.
Actually, he was my first cousin.
And I asked him out.
I think you're making a mistake.
Yeah.
That's what my aunt said.
No.
No.
About us.
What? Oh, yes.
No.
Yeah, probably, I am.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Well it was a great two-and-a-half dates.
And I'd be willing to round it up to three if you want to.
I don't think so.
I hope you're sure about this, because once I leave, I'm not coming back.
Unless you want me to.
Bye, New Christine.
Bye.
That is one hot grandpa.