The Odd Couple (2015) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Cute! Okay, now let's do a pouty face.
Oh, my God! Even duck-lipped, we are one cute couple.
This one is so going on Instagram.
Would you like me to take a photo of you two? I am a professional photographer.
That's still a thing? If everyone's got a camera, why would you need that? Good question.
Remind me to order my coffin later.
(laughs) Oh, Felix.
These guys and their younger women.
Am I right? So how'd you guys meet? Allyson's a nanny in the building, and we kept running into each other in the elevator.
So one day I said, "You're great with kids, I am a kid, let's do this thing!" How could I resist? Did you try pepper spray? You know what? I will have some wine.
Can I see some I.
D.
? (laughing): Again, I kid.
Our photo on Instagram already has 31 likes.
Oh, that's great! Do we get money for that? I'm on Instagram.
"Emily underscore Is underscore Super underscore Cool" is my screen name.
Whatevs.
I need to use the little girls' room.
She said it, not me.
Make all the young jokes you want, Allyson makes me happy.
Which I know annoys you, which just makes me happier, which makes you annoyeder, which I know isn't a word.
She is a little young, Oscar, and Sh-She followed me.
Allyson just followed me.
I'm going to follow her back.
I'm doing it I did it.
We're followers.
Must I remind you of your recently stated desire to mature and to grow? I am.
I'm taking it slow.
Dating Allyson is easy.
And that's all I'm looking for right now.
Bad news.
Charlotte just got called into a work thing and her ex is out of town, so I have to go up and watch the kid.
Oh, really? Her boss is the worst.
Miss Fancy Pants PhD thinks she's the smartest person in the room.
When she thinks this, are you the only other person in the room? I better get up there.
I'll escort you.
This building can be pretty dangerous at night.
FELIX: That's right.
I heard there's a dirty old man riding in the elevator.
(sighs) I didn't know it was Bring Your Father to Work Day.
Charlotte.
Oscar.
Come in! I have a present for you.
Oh, no, I really should go and not, you know, be in there.
Don't be lame.
Get in here.
So, Oscar, can I offer you a drink? I have some great 20-year-old scotch.
Or is that too old for you? I get it, because she's younger than me.
Oh, there are rocks younger than you.
Allyson may be young in age, but she's an old soul and Oh, no.
(singsongy): I made him for you at Build-A-Bear! See? You both like baseball, and you're both so fuzzy-wuzzy.
So cute! Let me get a shot of you guys.
I'm gonna check on Evan.
Bye, baby.
Okay, clearly you have an attitude about me dating Allyson.
But you know what? To me, age is just a number.
Yes, and if you subtract Allyson's number from your number, you still have a number older than her.
Okay, I just subtracted her age from my age, and actually, she's half my age plus Oh, no, wait, you're right.
Immature and bad at math.
Wow, if it's not Allyson, you are certainly going to make some girl born in the mid '90s very happy.
Yeah, well, you Damn it! And then she said I was going to make some girl born in the mid '90s very happy.
(laughing) No, no.
Not funny.
Okay.
So next time I see her, I have to hit her with an amazing zinger.
All right, uh, give me something to work with.
Is she blonde? Is she Polish? She ever been to Nantucket? No, Teddy.
Well, is she fat? Is her mama fat? Come on now, she's got to have some flaw.
Well, she's incredibly smug, because she knows how smart, pretty and sexy she is.
(whooping) No, no.
No "whoo.
" I have to say, Oscar, you talk about this Charlotte far more than you talk about Allyson, the woman you're actually dating.
What's your point? My point is (singsongy): you like Charlotte.
DANI: Mm-hmm.
I'm with Felix.
When we make fun of you for dating someone too young for you, you don't even care.
But when Charlotte does it, you get so grouchy.
Oh, Oscar the Grouch.
I just put that together.
I'm psyched for our dinner tonight, Felix.
Mostly so I can be the one to complain about someone's fingers in my water.
Oh, damn.
Actually, there has been a fantastic change of plans.
I was able to score us tickets to the Moscow Marionettes tonight! I know, right? And yes, I had to pull a lot of strings to make it happen.
That was a joke.
No, no, I know.
I guess I was just hoping to relax tonight.
Oh.
But what the heck? I'm in! You don't have to string me along! Marionette humor! It's contagious, isn't it? Marionette show? Look, you know I am a ray of sunshine, but I'm gonna rain on this parade.
I think it'll be fun.
I do.
I actually really like stuff that you think only kids would like and sometimes maybe not even kids.
FELIX: Oh, for the last time, they're not puppets; they're marionettes.
It's like you haven't listened to a word that I've said.
It's not like that; it is that.
Oscar.
Charlotte.
Hello.
I am Felix, Oscar's apartment-mate.
I have heard so much about you.
No, he hasn't.
Not from me.
Unless it's bad stuff.
Speaking of which, remember when you said I was going to make a girl born in the mid '90s very happy? I shouldn't have said that.
Oh.
I don't see you making any woman very happy.
(laughing) I see you've been talking to my ex-wife.
That's right, I zinged myself.
Oh, the preemptive zinger.
Yeah.
Who's the loser now? It's me.
I've done it again.
(elevator bell dings) You may have won this one, but I'll get you next time.
Aw, it's cute and sad that you think that.
Okay, why are you wasting your time with this Allyson girl? What are you talking about, man? Charlotte is perfect for you.
She's beautiful, intelligent, funny and, might I add, once again, age appropriate.
But all we do is insult me.
That's just snappy banter.
Even when you're bickering, you have chemistry.
Like Beatrice and Benedick.
Valmont and Merteuil.
Han Solo and Princess Leia.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I admit there may be a little stirring when I see her in my nether places.
But it doesn't matter.
I'm with Allyson, and that's going great.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar Felix, Felix, shut up.
Allyson is nice, but Charlotte is exactly the kind of woman you need in your life.
A strong woman who can stand up to you.
I was already married to one of those.
Exactly.
That's your type.
A real substantial woman.
(doorbell rings) Allyson and I do have snappy banter.
Watch this.
There she is! Wassup.
What's the word, pretty bird? What? What's shakin', bacon? Why are you talking all, like, weird? Oh, here we go.
I love this back-and-forth between us.
Oh, my God, that photo of you and Bear has 200 likes! Two hundred and one! Hey, guys.
Hey, Oscar.
Would you mind letting me have this table, please? - Oh, boy.
- Oh, here we go.
What's going on? Oscar's breaking up with the nanny, so he needs his dumping table.
It's called "Breakup Corner.
" Let's treat this with some dignity.
Why do you need this table? It's the closest one to the door, so Oscar can get his ass out of here.
Water, utensils, candle.
That is everything I can be soaked, stabbed or set on fire with.
What am I missing? Oh, napkins, I need extra napkins, in case she cries, or in case I need to pretend to.
Poor Allyson.
I wonder if she'll want to talk it out with me later.
'Cause we're the same generation.
Uh generation means the same age.
I know, Grandpa.
Are you breaking up with this girl so you can date that Charlotte woman? Yeah, Felix made me realize she's a much better match for me.
Oh, now you want to date Charlotte? Aw, damn it, I was up all night working on jokes about her mama.
Uh-oh.
Dumping table.
Breakup Corner! Am I the only one with any class? Emily, I have a gift for you.
I know how much you enjoyed the marionette show Oh, I don't think you do.
and so I got you a little souvenir.
Ta-da! (imitating Emily's voice): Hello.
I'm Emily.
So, Emily? - Yes? - (Emily voice): Yes? Oh, okay, you're talking to wooden Emily.
I thought we could try that new Serbian restaurant tonight, A Taste of Srebrenica.
(Emily voice): Mmm, sounds great.
Actually, Felix, uh, real Emily uh, skin Emily um, might want to try something else.
You sure I can't tempt you with some Serbian meat sticks? (Emily voice): Mmm, that sounds delicious, and I don't even have a tongue.
Meat sticks it is.
Great.
I'll call and make a reservation.
Not that you need one.
It's amazing how underappreciated this place is.
Uh, you know, last time, I kept my mouth shut You really didn't.
You guys are a great couple, but you need more balance in your relationship.
Oh, it's just he gets so excited about the things that he likes.
I have a hard time saying no.
You see, body language is part of your problem.
I'm going to teach you "the Power of Posture.
" I watched a TED Talk on it.
"The Power of Posture"? Yes, you need to get big.
If you stand confident, you will be confident.
- That stuff doesn't work.
- No? Maybe it does.
Hi! Yum! Lunch is my favorite meal.
Yeah, we'll see.
Great.
We are all set for 7:30.
Which is right when they do the goat slaughter.
Oh.
(chuckles) Actually, Felix, I don't think I feel like eating Serbian tonight.
I thought maybe we could do something else.
Not maybe.
Definitely.
(whoops) Yep.
What's going on, Emily? What's going on is I want us to do something I want to do.
Of course, of course.
I-I had no idea you felt that way.
What do you have in mind? Well, I read something that sounded fun in The Village Voice.
There's a hip-hop open mic night at an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn.
Not what I was expecting.
I get it.
To-to prove your point, you're suggesting something kooky.
(laughing): No, it's not kooky.
I listen to rap when I work out.
And sometimes and this is kind of cute when I wrap presents.
Of-of course.
If you want to go, then I want to go.
I'm glad you understand.
It isn't you, it isn't me.
It just isn't.
Well, I can't say I'm not sad, but I really enjoyed our time together.
And I hope we can keep in touch.
Check for juice boxes.
Oscar.
Hi.
I don't know if you're aware, but I broke up with Allyson today.
Yes, I'm aware.
She had to take a personal day because, as she said, "I can't even!" But not before she took frowny-face selfies while she let my son drink a big glass of grape juice on the couch.
I have a shirt that goes with that.
You ruined a perfectly good couch and a fairly decent nanny.
I'm really sorry.
But now that Allyson and I have parted ways, it does mean that I'm free.
To do what? To ask you on a date.
I'm sorry.
That didn't come out right.
What I meant to say was: I ended it with Allyson because I really wanted to ask you out.
What would make you think that I would go out with some shallow guy who dates women half his age? So you don't like me at all? What about our snappy banter? Well, you're not doing it now.
I'll get it.
Damn it! Yo, nod your head back and forth Till you're inundated, boy, I'm sick with the flow Y'all better vaccinate it, all I needed in my life Was to say that I made it, what? (crowd cheering) Well, point made.
We should skedaddle.
Come on, loosen up.
Enjoy yourself.
I am enjoying myself.
Although the song-craft is rudimentary, stream-of-consciousness barking set to robot music.
It's a 21st-century art form.
Oh, do you hear that? That's the sound of Mozart coming back to life and then killing himself.
Also, my-my asthma's acting up.
I think it's dust from all the vintage clothing.
And everyone's eyes are dilated.
I suspect narcotics.
Enough! What is wrong with you? You're not even giving this a try.
I gave it a try.
I found it's not to my liking.
Well, then at least have the decency to stay because I like it.
God knows I stay through all your things.
Well, that's different.
You like my things.
Do I? Look.
I think it's great that you're passionate about a lot of weird, cool things.
But it doesn't mean that I like them.
So, what, you've been faking it? Ooh, who needs a hamburger when you've got all this delicious Serbian glorp glorp? Well, excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons! Did you ever think that's maybe what I was trying to do for you tonight? Oh, like this is going to broaden my horizons.
- This music is just rhymed boasting - (music stops) made by tone-deaf trash people! That timing was unfortunate.
If you're so miserable, why don't you just go? Why don't I? Hey, guys, that undercover cop is gone.
Let's have some fun! (crowd cheers, music resumes) Hey.
How'd it go with Charlotte? Great.
I asked her out.
She said yes.
And right now, we're on a romantic carriage ride in the park.
I don't understand She said no! You got in my head about needing a substantial woman, and now I don't have Charlotte or Allyson! Well, if it makes you feel any better, I had a bad night, too.
It kind of does.
Should we go down to Langford's and get a drink and drown our sorrows? Yeah, that'll solve things.
Yeah, you're right.
No, I was being serious.
Get up, get up.
Don't worry, Oscar.
Your search for a woman of substance may not have worked out this time, but you are on the right track.
You need a woman who can challenge you and broaden your horizons.
(elevator bell dings) We both do.
Oh, great, Charlotte's couch.
Fellas.
I really screwed things up with her.
And I know she's out of my league and all we do is argue.
But I don't know.
She makes me want to be the kind of guy that could get that kind of a girl.
I'm going to hug you.
No, no, no, we're too close! - We're too close! - Embrace the hug.
Embrace the hug! Hey, I'm proud of you.
You put your heart on the line for someone.
Hello.
Oh, you, uh, heard all of that? Yep.
Oscar, I'm gonna take a rain check on that drink.
Actually, I kind of enjoyed it.
Maybe you're not as bad as I thought.
Really? Well, I thought you were horrible before, so a step up from that is still not so hot.
I'll take "not so hot.
" (chuckles) So does this mean you'll go out on a date with me? Oh, God, no! I'll see you around the building.
Not if I see you first.
Keep working on that banter.
Damn it.
Dani, thank you for coming.
I didn't want to blow the whole evening because Felix was being such a butt.
No problem.
If you ask me, date-wise, you traded way the hell up.
(laughs) (crowd cheers) All right, up next, welcome to the stage a new face in hip-hop.
He calls himself Felix Unger! Felix the Cat.
The Unger-dog.
The Unger-taker (indistinct whispering) Felix Unger.
Am I in your dream, or are you in mine? (hip-hop beat playing) Clip, clop, some call me a fop But like a cherry on a sundae, Emily is on top Like an iron on pants, she impresses with heat Like a well-mopped floor, she has a shine you can't beat No strings attached, not a marionette If you try to control her, she's no Marie Antoinette No losing her head, she puts her hands on her hips And says, "Listen up, Felix boy, and read my lips" (whooping) Felix! Excuse us.
(whoops) Unger's got a hunger, an ache inside of me For a girl who likes to call herself Emma-Emily All my life was just a mess, but it's only getting better With the lady making jewelry, she's a real trendsetter With Emily Emily Emily Emily, life is but a dream With Emily Emily Emily Emily Life is but a dream.
I'm so sorry.