The Onion News Network (2011) s02e03 Episode Script
Fantasy Brainwall
Announcer: This is "The Onion News Network," a lighthouse of logic on the foggy shoreline of madness.
Brooke Alvarez: I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Here's what's on our news radar, right now, the supreme court has ruled corporations are allowed to give unlimited donations to the supreme court A new report has found the number of times annually that Americans drop salsa on their bare balls is way higher than anyone cares to know, and the t-Rex star of "Terra Nova" has been arrested carrying 375 pounds of cocaine.
Get ready to go under the knife.
You're required to have your natural biases surgically removed when you enter "The Factzone.
" I just love that opening sequence.
I actually composed that theme song myself, after it came to me in a dream.
Only dream I ever had.
Well, as always, I'll be tweeting throughout the show tonight from both my personal account @brookealvarez and my novelty account @lotsofyaps, where I pretend to be one of my five corgis.
It's very funny, especially if you like dog humor.
Now, before we get too far in tonight's show, I'd just like to mention briefly that some of you may have seen an article in this morning's "USA Today" titled: "Is this the new face of cable news?" It's about a reporter that we've recently hired here at "The Onion News Network" named: O'Brady Shaw.
He's been doing quite well for himself and was recently even given his own show, which airs right after "The Factzone.
" Now, Mr.
Shaw's success is entirely deserved, of course.
He has a lot of great journalistic skills, like being very photogenic, and I think he can read, but I must take issue with "USA Today's" reporting.
Mr.
Shaw is, by no means, the new face of cable news.
The face you are looking at, right here, mine, is and will always be the face of cable news.
So, get your facts straight, "USA Today," and stop printing your dumb paper.
It is awful.
Moving on, now.
A new candidate entered the race for the Republican presidential nomination last night, and political analysts are saying he might have a better shot than any of the current contenders.
His name is John Clarkson, a former congressman who fell into a coma due to a car accident shortly after he was elected eight years ago.
Donna Clarkson: John hasn't spent years in Washington playing the same old political games.
He has been right here, in this bed, kept alive by machines.
Woman: Whoo! Man: That's right! John has the strength to lead this country through the challenges ahead.
His spinal column is shattered, but he still has more backbone than anyone in the white house! Whoo! His supporters say that, while Clarkson is not a traditional candidate who can speak and move, they're drawn to his stance on the issues.
Clarkson rallies have also been drawing crowds of supporters, who often sit in silence for an entire hour, as Clarkson lays motionless onstage.
Julia Doubleday: It's been great just to be able to sit outside and enjoy the nice day, without all the yelling and the clapping.
I haven't felt this relaxed in years.
I blackmailed a lot of politicians before but never one in a coma.
Could be an interesting challenge.
All right, "The Onion News Network" is always working on new technological innovations to help bring you the news even faster, and tonight, we're introducing one of them, right here, in "The Factzone.
" Our own Tucker Hope has had his regular touch screen recon wall replaced with what's called a "touch-free brainwall.
" Tucker Hope: That's right, Brooke-- this helmet reads my brain's electrical impulses and transmits them to the monitor automatically, uh, like this.
Ah, "Hello, Brooke.
" Very nice, Tucker.
I-I can do a lot more.
Oh, hail, Brooke Alvarez, queen of the facts.
I love that one.
We can even bring up, uh, O'Brady Shaw-- Hey, O-- Tucker, do something useful with the brainwall.
Stop playing around.
Of course.
I'm sorry, Brooke-- um, I'll be using it later in the show.
Okay-- thank you, Tucker.
Later.
I'm-I'm sorry, Brooke-- I-- God, you're so stupid.
All right, so nice of the network to give us that brainwall.
Don't forget, later tonight on "The Star fix," U.
S.
customs agents find a severed elf head in Bjork's luggage.
Angelique Clark will have that full story.
If you're watching, Angelique, please call me back about that eel trapping thing.
I think it could be fun.
We're best friends.
Okay, earlier this week, Shelby Cross, host of "The Onion News Network's" "Cross Examination," investigated whether women's self-defense classes might actually be dangerous.
Take a look.
[ Music .]
Shelby Cross: Now, listen up, ladies-- I wanna have a word with you.
If you think taking a self-defense class is gonna make you safer, you are dead wrong, and I wanna tell you why.
Let me paint a little picture for you.
You walk into a self-defense class, and a man teaches you how to fight, right? Now, what happens when you walk out of that class? That man, who just taught you how to fight, now knows every single move in your arsenal.
He knows what you would do, if he was gonna attack you! That's right.
If this self-defense class instructor decides to turn on you, you are dead meat.
So, what do you do? Watch and learn.
Man: And choke! I recently signed up for one of these self-defense classes and brought along a camera crew to watch.
Women: Yah! Take a good look at this class instructor.
Man: Thank you, very much.
Boy, was he smooth.
He tried to butter us up with flowery compliments like, "Good work," "Nice try!" Yah! Yah! Yeah! But, don't worry, folks.
I wasn't letting my guard down for one second.
Maybe he wasn't planning to attack me at all, but he could potentially plan to attack me, at some point, and that left only one option: Take him out first.
This door-- this is him.
This is the guy.
My quarry approached, and when the moment was right, I struck.
Oh! I knew he'd be able to counter my every move, if I just did what he had taught me.
Oh! So, instead, I did exactly the opposite.
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! He taught us how to do an eye jab-- instead, I beat him with a baseball bat.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! He taught us how to do a foot stomp and a hair grab.
Oh, oh, oh! Instead, I just hit him with the bat even more.
And when I was through with this guy, I made sure he knew who I was, and that he should never try any funny business with me.
Ugh! I am Shelby Cross! Ugh! Do not ever attack me! Yeah! Now, folks, I acknowledge that this man may have never been a threat, but a potential threat is just as dangerous as a real one.
I don't play games with my life and neither should you, and that's it.
Thanks for that, Shelby Very good advice.
You know, sometimes, men who appear to be harmless, handsome do-gooders are, in fact, snakes, who are trying to usurp you and should be dispatched brutally.
All right, well, everyone is talking about tonight's GOP debate, and for some quick analysis, let's turn now to our "First Responders.
" We have, tonight, Duncan Birch, Lauralee Hickock, and, of course, David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
First responders, you saw the debate tonight in the green room.
Who do you think came out on top? Uh, David? David Barrodale: Uh, well, since I, uh, I-I definitely watched the debate-- I thought everyone did a really, really good job, hmm? Lauralee? Lauralee Hickok: Well, I-I thought that all of the candidates acted in a very professional manner.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, if anything crazy happened, you would've mentioned it in your introduction or right now.
Okay But was it too by the books? I mean, do you think that the, uh, voters actually learned anything about the candidates tonight? Um Duncan? Duncan birch: Uh, you-you know what, Brooke? It's so obvious, I'm not even gonna answer that question.
I mean, no-- yes, but no.
I-I disagree.
Why do you disagree? I don't know-- I just do.
Okay, wait a minute.
You guys actually did watch the debate tonight, right? Oh, yeah! Over and over again.
Oh, yeah-- yes, yes, totally.
You know, I had been watching "Bridezillas.
" Mmm-hmm.
But then, I was like, "Oh, it's debate time.
" "I should watch that instead, since it's my job.
" Mmm-hmm.
And so, I did just that.
I did not keep watching "Bridezillas.
" All right.
I was just checking.
Now, a lot of people said that Rick Perry had a terrific night.
Oh.
Why specifically, David? Oh, Rick Perry, yeah.
Oh, he's-- why not? Yeah.
Uh, yes.
Rick Perry-- ha! He's very fiery.
Yeah, okay, but I disagree with what you just said.
I have the opposite opinion of David here.
Lauralee, what do you think about Rick Perry tonight in his performance? Well-well, I thought he came off as very aggressive.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, he was sort of like, uh, say, a woman who goes to pick up her weddin' flowers, and then she finds out that they're slightly off white instead of white, like she wanted them to be.
So, she freaks out and throws 'em on the ground and stomps on them.
Hmm.
That's what he was like.
Yeah, and-and I-- actually, I thought, uh, that, uh, Mitt Romney looked very presidential.
You thought he what? Mitt Romney? I don't know what you thought, but-- what-- Mitt Romney? Yes.
Mitt Romney? Wait a minute.
Mitt Romney.
Yes.
Okay, wait a minute, you guys-- let me ask you this.
Do you think any of the candidates were more favored than the others, when it came to the questioning? Was there-- I'm sorry-- uh, uh, there's a lot of dust in here.
All right, if you didn't watch the debate, just say so.
I'm so sorry.
I took this afternoon nap.
I'm so sorry, Brooke.
And I just-- it was one of those naps where I couldn't wake up, and I was like, "What's going on?" Brooke? Ahem.
But, we'll make it up to you.
On primary night, I'll stay here till 4:00 am.
Just stop, Lauralee.
Oh, God! Just stop.
Guys, we really screwed up.
We didn't handle that very well, unlike an Acura, which handles perfectly.
Well, I'm now being told that I have to show a promo, right now, for O'Brady Shaw's program.
Yes, that's right.
I have to cut into my program to play an advertisement for his show.
So, while this plays, I'll be over there breaking various objects.
As Sao Paulo struggled to dig out after last week's devastating earthquake-- O'Brady Shaw: I'm just praying I'm just praying and helping.
One group was left with no one to care for them.
There is nowhere for these homeless dogs to go.
There is no food to give them.
There is no clean water.
These dogs are gonna starve to death.
I have to do the humane thing.
I have to put these dogs down.
O'Brady Shaw is the only journalist compassionate enough to do what has to be done: [ Gun shots firing .]
[ Dogs squealing .]
Put down 50 or 60 dogs today.
I didn't want to.
Let me help you! But, their fate would've been much worse, if I hadn't have done it.
It's better this way.
O'Brady Shaw goes where other reporters won't and does the jobs other reporters can't.
I'm so sorry.
[ Dogs barking .]
I'm so sorry.
"Gut Check" with O'Brady Shaw, live from Sao Paulo, tomorrow night, only on the Onion News Network.
Interesting.
Might be worth watching to see if any of those dogs get a chance to turn the gun on him.
I know my corgi certainly would.
All right, we have to take a short break, right now.
But, before we go, here's our "Factzone" trivia question of the day: Tweet your guesses to me, and I'll reveal the answer, right after the break.
Stay inside the zone of fact.
Announcer: John Clarkson is a real American He doesn't talk any talk or walk any walk.
He just has solutions for jobs, for education, for foreign policy And he's seen our health care system first-hand for years, but most importantly, he's listening To you.
His name is John Clarkson, and he's going to make America great again.
Brooke Alvarez: It's not a lie zone or an assumption zone.
It's a "Factzone," and you're back in it.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Before the break, I asked you, which Onion News Network personality has received more awards than anyone on the planet? No.
Excuse me, "talent?" I think you're mistaking ab muscles for talent.
The answer, you fools, is me.
I've won 15 "excellence in cable journalism" awards, four woman awards, and one Olympic bronze medal in curling, to name only a very few.
And now, let's go to "Onion News Network's" autistic reporter, Michael Falk, for a report on four American troops killed in a battle with Taliban forces outside Kabul.
Michael Falk: Okay, Brooke, yesterday, two groups of men shot at each other near to Bagram base where I am.
Today, the soldiers are happy about some of the men dying and sad about other men dying.
Sergeant first class, Aaron Tomlin, is only sad about four of the dead people.
Cpl.
Aaron Tomlin: It's-it's a long, tough day here.
Uh, we lost four good men.
No, 27 men died.
Four American soldiers and 23 Taliban soldiers.
Well, I wasn't talkin' about the Taliban.
But they are dead.
Yeah, um Well-- you are not sad about them? You have to understand.
We're like brothers here-- "We're like brothers here"-- Am I like brothers here? No-- I mean, the men I fight with.
My brother's name is Robert Falk.
He lives in Lansing, Michigan.
He is very good at jenga.
Okay.
This makes no sense.
You said that four soldiers died and it makes you sad.
But you said when Taliban soldiers to die, it does not make you sad.
I asked base commander, David Hawkins, to make it make sense.
Maj.
David Jawkins: The last thing we resort to is hurting anyone.
But you have to understand, it's our job to keep the American people safe from our enemies, and sometimes, that includes-- so, if you kill your enemies at your job, it is not sad? Well-- what if I killed my enemy, Ryan, at my job? It would not be sad? No.
N-no-- you shouldn't do that.
But he is rude to me.
He steals my yogurts.
He makes fun of the way I talk.
Look, only soldiers can kill without getting in trouble.
Okay.
Are you going to kill Ryan? No.
It does not make sense.
Were the Taliban happy when the Taliban died? I went to meet Taliban spokesman, Haji Muhad.
They put a bag on my head to take me to the safe house, which made me stop thinking.
This means that if we all join the Taliban, then no one will be sad when anyone dies.
I do not like it here.
I am Michael Falk.
We'll let you know in a couple of days whether Michael made it back all right.
Okay, Tucker, why don't you give us the "Daily Briefing" now with that, uh, brain wall thing.
Tucker Hope: Thanks, Brooke.
I think you're going to like what you see this time.
Rapper, Kanye West, has apparently gotten into a high-profile feud with the middle eastern nation of Syria.
The feud started earlier this week when Kanye West tweeted that the Arab nation was, quote: In response, the Syrian oligarchy tweeted back: In response, the multi-platinum selling rapper has released a disc track trashing the Arab nation saying, "oil production slippin'," population flippin', trick-ass country headed straight for political cataclysm.
" Syrian officials then sent security forces to west's L.
A.
Mansion, which they now currently occupy.
And now, let's go over to Clayton, new Mexico, where after seven deaths, the manufacturer of a brand of defective hotplates has announced that it will not be bothering to recall the product, due to the, quote: "Generally negligible worth of anyone who actually owns a hotplate.
" James cutler: Certainly, we regret the accident.
However, to go through the expensive process to protect the kind of people who warm up cans of soup on a single burner, usually wearing nothing but an undershirt, well, that seems excessive.
These people are overwhelmingly single.
They consume six to ten drinks per day, most of them are just waiting to die anyway.
If our hotplates help them along And on a personal note, new Mexico also happens to be where my sister, Amy, lives, and believe it or not, today is her birthday.
Hi, Amy.
Tucker? Yes, Brooke.
What's happening? Was that woman your sister? Uh, no, of course, not.
I've never seen my sister naked, and, uh, if I had, I wouldn't still remember it, like, ten years later.
Um let's go to Washington d.
C.
, uh, where the-- okay.
Uh, there it is.
Uh, where a prostitute has stepped forward claiming that she-- that's Not a prostitute.
That is my sister.
Uh, my sister's not a prostitute.
Uh, kids do sometimes things when they're young, they don't always know the rules.
Okay, okay, Tucker, what's going on? Tucker, what's going on? Um, nothing-- I-I don't know why she did that.
I don't know why the brain wall's doing that.
Oh, tuck, stop this immediately-- this is the last thing I need right now.
Virginia! Uh, press conference! Uh, she's claiming that several key congressmen have, uh, or she-she held a press conference earlier today-- Tucker! Yes, yes, Brooke! Okay, Tucker, is something wrong? No-- no no-- I'm just gonna think of bunnies.
Okay, Tucker, calm down.
Think of-think of Think of bunnies.
This show is already hangin' on by a damn thread and now you're making a mockery of it? No-- no, no, no, no! I can do this! - Tucker, you are fired! - No! And if you don't get off the set right now, I will resort to violence! No, I'm Tucker! No, I haven't-- I haven't finished the "Daily Briefing.
" I'm not done! We'll be back in just a moment.
Stay with us.
Brooke: Welcome back to the "Factzone," loyal viewers.
I apologize for that brief outburst earlier, but I am feeling much better now.
Nothing calms the nerves like flexing your power over an underling.
So, let's go back to our "Daily Briefing" now with Tucker Hope over at the recon wall-- Tucker? Tucker: Thanks, Brooke.
In an effort to expand on Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign to improve the health of the nation's children, vice president, Joe Biden, has launched his own fitness program aimed at American women.
Instead of reducing childhood obesity, Biden's program focuses on American women between the ages of 18 and 45, stating that America's lack of hot bods and beach babes has reached near crisis levels, and imploring Americans to get more "toned, tanned, taught, andtasty.
" Colin Brylle: When the vice president goes to the beach, he doesn't like what he sees, but he's confident that with better eating habits and exercise, we can make America sexier than it's ever been before.
Just 45 minutes of aerobic activity a day is enough to transform a five into a seven And eight with make-up.
And while Michelle Obama enlisted Beyonce to help with her campaign, the vice president has signed up long-time friend and collaborator, El Debarge, to record a song and music video to encourage American females to shed pounds by dancing to the throbbing beat.
Back to you, Brooke.
That was wonderful! You know, I'm just so glad to see some professionalism displayed in the position of Tucker Hope.
Well, of course, Brooke.
Uh, Tucker, what's your opinion on O'Brady Shaw? Seems like a cool guy.
He's not.
Okay-- he's not.
Excellent! I like your attitude.
Well, right now, I'm gonna take a moment to update my novelty Twitter account with a little joke about chasing cars.
"I had that dream again where I caught a car.
" Pretty cute, huh? 'Cause it's from a dog.
All right, we have a "News Blast" coming in now.
In a shocking turn of events, just moments ago, Republican presidential contender, John Clarkson, has dropped out of the race, less than 24 hours after announcing his candidacy, due to a sex scandal.
Clarkson was apparently caught receiving oral sex from this nurse.
Tucker Hope is over at the recon wall and is tracking voter's reactions online.
So, what are you seeing, Tucker? Well, Brooke, it's a lot of surprise, disappointment, and anger.
People are tweeting things like You'll see one coming up here from a gentleman in Scottsdale.
Windpants0 says And our own "Factzone" insta-polling is showing that people who had been supporting Clarkson are now throwing their support in a split fashion between Mitt Romney and this large rock, which just joined the race, yesterday.
So, clearly, a crushing defeat for a man who many thought had a chance to one day be wheeled into the white house and propped up in the sitting position in the oval office, and of course, no comment yet from Clarkson who is still in a coma-- Brooke.
Very sad.
Thanks, Tucker.
No problem-- I gotta say, I think I just knocked that outta the park-- not bad for my first 15 minutes on the job.
Well, no bragging, Tucker.
You should've learned that in Tucker training.
Uh, yeah, my b.
Still gettin' the hang of this.
No, no, no-- no saying, "My B," either.
Gotcha.
Okay we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll show you our "Onion News Network Snapshot of the Day.
" I've seen it and it's a good one.
There is a bunch of fact gunk clogging up your news gutter, so clear it out.
The "Factzone" will be right back.
Brooke: The "Zone" opens its arms to you and whispers "Fact.
" Thanks for staying with us.
First off, here's our "Factzone" snapshot of the day.
It's an elementary school in Tulsa, Oklahoma that has cut costs by replacing kindergarten with two seasons of "Dora the Explorer.
" And before we go tonight, I've been asked to check in with O'Brady Shaw who's still on the scene in Sao Paolo where that disastrous earthquake struck.
O'Brady Shaw: Hi, Brooke.
The situation here in Sao Paolo is really grim.
There are 127-- yes, I know-- 127 people are confirmed dead, close to 500 are missing, the quake had a magnitude of eight point nine, and its epicenter was two point five miles outside Sao Paolo.
Uh, yes, that's right, Brooke.
And the president of Brazil, Dilma Rousseff, who happens to be the first woman to hold that role, expressed her condolences four minutes and 22 seconds ago and declared a "State of emergency" in the area.
Yes, that is correct, Brooke.
And right now, rescue crews are working-- are working around the clock, and the United States has just said it's going to send two million dollars in aid to-- Brooke, what are you doing? Just showing you how it's done.
Can I finish my report? I don't know, can you? What are you doing? "What are you doing?" Why don't we, uh, get back to the story here? "Why don't we get back to the story here?" This is so unnecessary.
"This is so unnecessary.
" Okay, I am gonna go, and I'm gonna go try and help save some lives, and I'll check back in with you later.
Oh, really, just gonna leave in the middle of a report? That is so unprofessional! I would never do that.
What? I apologize, on behalf of O'Brady, for his extremely rude behavior.
You know, I think he may be drunk or on club drugs or something-- the police should look into that.
Well, that's all for the "Factzone" tonight.
Until next time, please don't forget to abide by the terms of your "Factzone" confidentiality agreement.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Good night.
Brooke Alvarez: I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Here's what's on our news radar, right now, the supreme court has ruled corporations are allowed to give unlimited donations to the supreme court A new report has found the number of times annually that Americans drop salsa on their bare balls is way higher than anyone cares to know, and the t-Rex star of "Terra Nova" has been arrested carrying 375 pounds of cocaine.
Get ready to go under the knife.
You're required to have your natural biases surgically removed when you enter "The Factzone.
" I just love that opening sequence.
I actually composed that theme song myself, after it came to me in a dream.
Only dream I ever had.
Well, as always, I'll be tweeting throughout the show tonight from both my personal account @brookealvarez and my novelty account @lotsofyaps, where I pretend to be one of my five corgis.
It's very funny, especially if you like dog humor.
Now, before we get too far in tonight's show, I'd just like to mention briefly that some of you may have seen an article in this morning's "USA Today" titled: "Is this the new face of cable news?" It's about a reporter that we've recently hired here at "The Onion News Network" named: O'Brady Shaw.
He's been doing quite well for himself and was recently even given his own show, which airs right after "The Factzone.
" Now, Mr.
Shaw's success is entirely deserved, of course.
He has a lot of great journalistic skills, like being very photogenic, and I think he can read, but I must take issue with "USA Today's" reporting.
Mr.
Shaw is, by no means, the new face of cable news.
The face you are looking at, right here, mine, is and will always be the face of cable news.
So, get your facts straight, "USA Today," and stop printing your dumb paper.
It is awful.
Moving on, now.
A new candidate entered the race for the Republican presidential nomination last night, and political analysts are saying he might have a better shot than any of the current contenders.
His name is John Clarkson, a former congressman who fell into a coma due to a car accident shortly after he was elected eight years ago.
Donna Clarkson: John hasn't spent years in Washington playing the same old political games.
He has been right here, in this bed, kept alive by machines.
Woman: Whoo! Man: That's right! John has the strength to lead this country through the challenges ahead.
His spinal column is shattered, but he still has more backbone than anyone in the white house! Whoo! His supporters say that, while Clarkson is not a traditional candidate who can speak and move, they're drawn to his stance on the issues.
Clarkson rallies have also been drawing crowds of supporters, who often sit in silence for an entire hour, as Clarkson lays motionless onstage.
Julia Doubleday: It's been great just to be able to sit outside and enjoy the nice day, without all the yelling and the clapping.
I haven't felt this relaxed in years.
I blackmailed a lot of politicians before but never one in a coma.
Could be an interesting challenge.
All right, "The Onion News Network" is always working on new technological innovations to help bring you the news even faster, and tonight, we're introducing one of them, right here, in "The Factzone.
" Our own Tucker Hope has had his regular touch screen recon wall replaced with what's called a "touch-free brainwall.
" Tucker Hope: That's right, Brooke-- this helmet reads my brain's electrical impulses and transmits them to the monitor automatically, uh, like this.
Ah, "Hello, Brooke.
" Very nice, Tucker.
I-I can do a lot more.
Oh, hail, Brooke Alvarez, queen of the facts.
I love that one.
We can even bring up, uh, O'Brady Shaw-- Hey, O-- Tucker, do something useful with the brainwall.
Stop playing around.
Of course.
I'm sorry, Brooke-- um, I'll be using it later in the show.
Okay-- thank you, Tucker.
Later.
I'm-I'm sorry, Brooke-- I-- God, you're so stupid.
All right, so nice of the network to give us that brainwall.
Don't forget, later tonight on "The Star fix," U.
S.
customs agents find a severed elf head in Bjork's luggage.
Angelique Clark will have that full story.
If you're watching, Angelique, please call me back about that eel trapping thing.
I think it could be fun.
We're best friends.
Okay, earlier this week, Shelby Cross, host of "The Onion News Network's" "Cross Examination," investigated whether women's self-defense classes might actually be dangerous.
Take a look.
[ Music .]
Shelby Cross: Now, listen up, ladies-- I wanna have a word with you.
If you think taking a self-defense class is gonna make you safer, you are dead wrong, and I wanna tell you why.
Let me paint a little picture for you.
You walk into a self-defense class, and a man teaches you how to fight, right? Now, what happens when you walk out of that class? That man, who just taught you how to fight, now knows every single move in your arsenal.
He knows what you would do, if he was gonna attack you! That's right.
If this self-defense class instructor decides to turn on you, you are dead meat.
So, what do you do? Watch and learn.
Man: And choke! I recently signed up for one of these self-defense classes and brought along a camera crew to watch.
Women: Yah! Take a good look at this class instructor.
Man: Thank you, very much.
Boy, was he smooth.
He tried to butter us up with flowery compliments like, "Good work," "Nice try!" Yah! Yah! Yeah! But, don't worry, folks.
I wasn't letting my guard down for one second.
Maybe he wasn't planning to attack me at all, but he could potentially plan to attack me, at some point, and that left only one option: Take him out first.
This door-- this is him.
This is the guy.
My quarry approached, and when the moment was right, I struck.
Oh! I knew he'd be able to counter my every move, if I just did what he had taught me.
Oh! So, instead, I did exactly the opposite.
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! He taught us how to do an eye jab-- instead, I beat him with a baseball bat.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! He taught us how to do a foot stomp and a hair grab.
Oh, oh, oh! Instead, I just hit him with the bat even more.
And when I was through with this guy, I made sure he knew who I was, and that he should never try any funny business with me.
Ugh! I am Shelby Cross! Ugh! Do not ever attack me! Yeah! Now, folks, I acknowledge that this man may have never been a threat, but a potential threat is just as dangerous as a real one.
I don't play games with my life and neither should you, and that's it.
Thanks for that, Shelby Very good advice.
You know, sometimes, men who appear to be harmless, handsome do-gooders are, in fact, snakes, who are trying to usurp you and should be dispatched brutally.
All right, well, everyone is talking about tonight's GOP debate, and for some quick analysis, let's turn now to our "First Responders.
" We have, tonight, Duncan Birch, Lauralee Hickock, and, of course, David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
First responders, you saw the debate tonight in the green room.
Who do you think came out on top? Uh, David? David Barrodale: Uh, well, since I, uh, I-I definitely watched the debate-- I thought everyone did a really, really good job, hmm? Lauralee? Lauralee Hickok: Well, I-I thought that all of the candidates acted in a very professional manner.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, if anything crazy happened, you would've mentioned it in your introduction or right now.
Okay But was it too by the books? I mean, do you think that the, uh, voters actually learned anything about the candidates tonight? Um Duncan? Duncan birch: Uh, you-you know what, Brooke? It's so obvious, I'm not even gonna answer that question.
I mean, no-- yes, but no.
I-I disagree.
Why do you disagree? I don't know-- I just do.
Okay, wait a minute.
You guys actually did watch the debate tonight, right? Oh, yeah! Over and over again.
Oh, yeah-- yes, yes, totally.
You know, I had been watching "Bridezillas.
" Mmm-hmm.
But then, I was like, "Oh, it's debate time.
" "I should watch that instead, since it's my job.
" Mmm-hmm.
And so, I did just that.
I did not keep watching "Bridezillas.
" All right.
I was just checking.
Now, a lot of people said that Rick Perry had a terrific night.
Oh.
Why specifically, David? Oh, Rick Perry, yeah.
Oh, he's-- why not? Yeah.
Uh, yes.
Rick Perry-- ha! He's very fiery.
Yeah, okay, but I disagree with what you just said.
I have the opposite opinion of David here.
Lauralee, what do you think about Rick Perry tonight in his performance? Well-well, I thought he came off as very aggressive.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, he was sort of like, uh, say, a woman who goes to pick up her weddin' flowers, and then she finds out that they're slightly off white instead of white, like she wanted them to be.
So, she freaks out and throws 'em on the ground and stomps on them.
Hmm.
That's what he was like.
Yeah, and-and I-- actually, I thought, uh, that, uh, Mitt Romney looked very presidential.
You thought he what? Mitt Romney? I don't know what you thought, but-- what-- Mitt Romney? Yes.
Mitt Romney? Wait a minute.
Mitt Romney.
Yes.
Okay, wait a minute, you guys-- let me ask you this.
Do you think any of the candidates were more favored than the others, when it came to the questioning? Was there-- I'm sorry-- uh, uh, there's a lot of dust in here.
All right, if you didn't watch the debate, just say so.
I'm so sorry.
I took this afternoon nap.
I'm so sorry, Brooke.
And I just-- it was one of those naps where I couldn't wake up, and I was like, "What's going on?" Brooke? Ahem.
But, we'll make it up to you.
On primary night, I'll stay here till 4:00 am.
Just stop, Lauralee.
Oh, God! Just stop.
Guys, we really screwed up.
We didn't handle that very well, unlike an Acura, which handles perfectly.
Well, I'm now being told that I have to show a promo, right now, for O'Brady Shaw's program.
Yes, that's right.
I have to cut into my program to play an advertisement for his show.
So, while this plays, I'll be over there breaking various objects.
As Sao Paulo struggled to dig out after last week's devastating earthquake-- O'Brady Shaw: I'm just praying I'm just praying and helping.
One group was left with no one to care for them.
There is nowhere for these homeless dogs to go.
There is no food to give them.
There is no clean water.
These dogs are gonna starve to death.
I have to do the humane thing.
I have to put these dogs down.
O'Brady Shaw is the only journalist compassionate enough to do what has to be done: [ Gun shots firing .]
[ Dogs squealing .]
Put down 50 or 60 dogs today.
I didn't want to.
Let me help you! But, their fate would've been much worse, if I hadn't have done it.
It's better this way.
O'Brady Shaw goes where other reporters won't and does the jobs other reporters can't.
I'm so sorry.
[ Dogs barking .]
I'm so sorry.
"Gut Check" with O'Brady Shaw, live from Sao Paulo, tomorrow night, only on the Onion News Network.
Interesting.
Might be worth watching to see if any of those dogs get a chance to turn the gun on him.
I know my corgi certainly would.
All right, we have to take a short break, right now.
But, before we go, here's our "Factzone" trivia question of the day: Tweet your guesses to me, and I'll reveal the answer, right after the break.
Stay inside the zone of fact.
Announcer: John Clarkson is a real American He doesn't talk any talk or walk any walk.
He just has solutions for jobs, for education, for foreign policy And he's seen our health care system first-hand for years, but most importantly, he's listening To you.
His name is John Clarkson, and he's going to make America great again.
Brooke Alvarez: It's not a lie zone or an assumption zone.
It's a "Factzone," and you're back in it.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Before the break, I asked you, which Onion News Network personality has received more awards than anyone on the planet? No.
Excuse me, "talent?" I think you're mistaking ab muscles for talent.
The answer, you fools, is me.
I've won 15 "excellence in cable journalism" awards, four woman awards, and one Olympic bronze medal in curling, to name only a very few.
And now, let's go to "Onion News Network's" autistic reporter, Michael Falk, for a report on four American troops killed in a battle with Taliban forces outside Kabul.
Michael Falk: Okay, Brooke, yesterday, two groups of men shot at each other near to Bagram base where I am.
Today, the soldiers are happy about some of the men dying and sad about other men dying.
Sergeant first class, Aaron Tomlin, is only sad about four of the dead people.
Cpl.
Aaron Tomlin: It's-it's a long, tough day here.
Uh, we lost four good men.
No, 27 men died.
Four American soldiers and 23 Taliban soldiers.
Well, I wasn't talkin' about the Taliban.
But they are dead.
Yeah, um Well-- you are not sad about them? You have to understand.
We're like brothers here-- "We're like brothers here"-- Am I like brothers here? No-- I mean, the men I fight with.
My brother's name is Robert Falk.
He lives in Lansing, Michigan.
He is very good at jenga.
Okay.
This makes no sense.
You said that four soldiers died and it makes you sad.
But you said when Taliban soldiers to die, it does not make you sad.
I asked base commander, David Hawkins, to make it make sense.
Maj.
David Jawkins: The last thing we resort to is hurting anyone.
But you have to understand, it's our job to keep the American people safe from our enemies, and sometimes, that includes-- so, if you kill your enemies at your job, it is not sad? Well-- what if I killed my enemy, Ryan, at my job? It would not be sad? No.
N-no-- you shouldn't do that.
But he is rude to me.
He steals my yogurts.
He makes fun of the way I talk.
Look, only soldiers can kill without getting in trouble.
Okay.
Are you going to kill Ryan? No.
It does not make sense.
Were the Taliban happy when the Taliban died? I went to meet Taliban spokesman, Haji Muhad.
They put a bag on my head to take me to the safe house, which made me stop thinking.
This means that if we all join the Taliban, then no one will be sad when anyone dies.
I do not like it here.
I am Michael Falk.
We'll let you know in a couple of days whether Michael made it back all right.
Okay, Tucker, why don't you give us the "Daily Briefing" now with that, uh, brain wall thing.
Tucker Hope: Thanks, Brooke.
I think you're going to like what you see this time.
Rapper, Kanye West, has apparently gotten into a high-profile feud with the middle eastern nation of Syria.
The feud started earlier this week when Kanye West tweeted that the Arab nation was, quote: In response, the Syrian oligarchy tweeted back: In response, the multi-platinum selling rapper has released a disc track trashing the Arab nation saying, "oil production slippin'," population flippin', trick-ass country headed straight for political cataclysm.
" Syrian officials then sent security forces to west's L.
A.
Mansion, which they now currently occupy.
And now, let's go over to Clayton, new Mexico, where after seven deaths, the manufacturer of a brand of defective hotplates has announced that it will not be bothering to recall the product, due to the, quote: "Generally negligible worth of anyone who actually owns a hotplate.
" James cutler: Certainly, we regret the accident.
However, to go through the expensive process to protect the kind of people who warm up cans of soup on a single burner, usually wearing nothing but an undershirt, well, that seems excessive.
These people are overwhelmingly single.
They consume six to ten drinks per day, most of them are just waiting to die anyway.
If our hotplates help them along And on a personal note, new Mexico also happens to be where my sister, Amy, lives, and believe it or not, today is her birthday.
Hi, Amy.
Tucker? Yes, Brooke.
What's happening? Was that woman your sister? Uh, no, of course, not.
I've never seen my sister naked, and, uh, if I had, I wouldn't still remember it, like, ten years later.
Um let's go to Washington d.
C.
, uh, where the-- okay.
Uh, there it is.
Uh, where a prostitute has stepped forward claiming that she-- that's Not a prostitute.
That is my sister.
Uh, my sister's not a prostitute.
Uh, kids do sometimes things when they're young, they don't always know the rules.
Okay, okay, Tucker, what's going on? Tucker, what's going on? Um, nothing-- I-I don't know why she did that.
I don't know why the brain wall's doing that.
Oh, tuck, stop this immediately-- this is the last thing I need right now.
Virginia! Uh, press conference! Uh, she's claiming that several key congressmen have, uh, or she-she held a press conference earlier today-- Tucker! Yes, yes, Brooke! Okay, Tucker, is something wrong? No-- no no-- I'm just gonna think of bunnies.
Okay, Tucker, calm down.
Think of-think of Think of bunnies.
This show is already hangin' on by a damn thread and now you're making a mockery of it? No-- no, no, no, no! I can do this! - Tucker, you are fired! - No! And if you don't get off the set right now, I will resort to violence! No, I'm Tucker! No, I haven't-- I haven't finished the "Daily Briefing.
" I'm not done! We'll be back in just a moment.
Stay with us.
Brooke: Welcome back to the "Factzone," loyal viewers.
I apologize for that brief outburst earlier, but I am feeling much better now.
Nothing calms the nerves like flexing your power over an underling.
So, let's go back to our "Daily Briefing" now with Tucker Hope over at the recon wall-- Tucker? Tucker: Thanks, Brooke.
In an effort to expand on Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign to improve the health of the nation's children, vice president, Joe Biden, has launched his own fitness program aimed at American women.
Instead of reducing childhood obesity, Biden's program focuses on American women between the ages of 18 and 45, stating that America's lack of hot bods and beach babes has reached near crisis levels, and imploring Americans to get more "toned, tanned, taught, andtasty.
" Colin Brylle: When the vice president goes to the beach, he doesn't like what he sees, but he's confident that with better eating habits and exercise, we can make America sexier than it's ever been before.
Just 45 minutes of aerobic activity a day is enough to transform a five into a seven And eight with make-up.
And while Michelle Obama enlisted Beyonce to help with her campaign, the vice president has signed up long-time friend and collaborator, El Debarge, to record a song and music video to encourage American females to shed pounds by dancing to the throbbing beat.
Back to you, Brooke.
That was wonderful! You know, I'm just so glad to see some professionalism displayed in the position of Tucker Hope.
Well, of course, Brooke.
Uh, Tucker, what's your opinion on O'Brady Shaw? Seems like a cool guy.
He's not.
Okay-- he's not.
Excellent! I like your attitude.
Well, right now, I'm gonna take a moment to update my novelty Twitter account with a little joke about chasing cars.
"I had that dream again where I caught a car.
" Pretty cute, huh? 'Cause it's from a dog.
All right, we have a "News Blast" coming in now.
In a shocking turn of events, just moments ago, Republican presidential contender, John Clarkson, has dropped out of the race, less than 24 hours after announcing his candidacy, due to a sex scandal.
Clarkson was apparently caught receiving oral sex from this nurse.
Tucker Hope is over at the recon wall and is tracking voter's reactions online.
So, what are you seeing, Tucker? Well, Brooke, it's a lot of surprise, disappointment, and anger.
People are tweeting things like You'll see one coming up here from a gentleman in Scottsdale.
Windpants0 says And our own "Factzone" insta-polling is showing that people who had been supporting Clarkson are now throwing their support in a split fashion between Mitt Romney and this large rock, which just joined the race, yesterday.
So, clearly, a crushing defeat for a man who many thought had a chance to one day be wheeled into the white house and propped up in the sitting position in the oval office, and of course, no comment yet from Clarkson who is still in a coma-- Brooke.
Very sad.
Thanks, Tucker.
No problem-- I gotta say, I think I just knocked that outta the park-- not bad for my first 15 minutes on the job.
Well, no bragging, Tucker.
You should've learned that in Tucker training.
Uh, yeah, my b.
Still gettin' the hang of this.
No, no, no-- no saying, "My B," either.
Gotcha.
Okay we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll show you our "Onion News Network Snapshot of the Day.
" I've seen it and it's a good one.
There is a bunch of fact gunk clogging up your news gutter, so clear it out.
The "Factzone" will be right back.
Brooke: The "Zone" opens its arms to you and whispers "Fact.
" Thanks for staying with us.
First off, here's our "Factzone" snapshot of the day.
It's an elementary school in Tulsa, Oklahoma that has cut costs by replacing kindergarten with two seasons of "Dora the Explorer.
" And before we go tonight, I've been asked to check in with O'Brady Shaw who's still on the scene in Sao Paolo where that disastrous earthquake struck.
O'Brady Shaw: Hi, Brooke.
The situation here in Sao Paolo is really grim.
There are 127-- yes, I know-- 127 people are confirmed dead, close to 500 are missing, the quake had a magnitude of eight point nine, and its epicenter was two point five miles outside Sao Paolo.
Uh, yes, that's right, Brooke.
And the president of Brazil, Dilma Rousseff, who happens to be the first woman to hold that role, expressed her condolences four minutes and 22 seconds ago and declared a "State of emergency" in the area.
Yes, that is correct, Brooke.
And right now, rescue crews are working-- are working around the clock, and the United States has just said it's going to send two million dollars in aid to-- Brooke, what are you doing? Just showing you how it's done.
Can I finish my report? I don't know, can you? What are you doing? "What are you doing?" Why don't we, uh, get back to the story here? "Why don't we get back to the story here?" This is so unnecessary.
"This is so unnecessary.
" Okay, I am gonna go, and I'm gonna go try and help save some lives, and I'll check back in with you later.
Oh, really, just gonna leave in the middle of a report? That is so unprofessional! I would never do that.
What? I apologize, on behalf of O'Brady, for his extremely rude behavior.
You know, I think he may be drunk or on club drugs or something-- the police should look into that.
Well, that's all for the "Factzone" tonight.
Until next time, please don't forget to abide by the terms of your "Factzone" confidentiality agreement.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Good night.