The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Kenny: I can't believe this night is finally here.
This is what I've been looking forward to since I came out.
Everett: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Neil Everett.
.
Welcome to the biggest night of the year All Hallow's Eve, Halloween, The Gay Super Bowl! Expectations are high that this will be the biggest and best Halloween in the history of humankind.
This is what it's been all about.
It's a dream come true a night where I can totally be me with no judgment.
I was born this way Born this way Ooh, there ain't no other way Baby, I was born this way Baby, I was born this way Born this way Ooh, there ain't no other way Baby, I was born this way I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way [Whistle blows.]
Oh! There's a flag on the gay.
Just the right amount of curl and a subtle balayage.
You, my friend, are going to look perfect on me.
Were you just talking to that wig? No.
I was talking to myself, and it's possible Paula The wig heard me.
Okay.
Well, dare I ask what this is for? It's for my Halloween costume! Duh! I'm going as Beyoncé from the Super Bowl halftime show.
Now, I considered one of her "Lemonade" looks, but I just don't want to pick sides between her and J.
Well, it seems like you could've gone with something a little more, I don't know, out of the box.
You don't want me to dress in drag, do you? Nope! Uh, no.
No, I do not.
Well, may I remind you that last year, I went as Selena Gomez, the year before that, Taylor Swift, and Gaga the three years before that.
Yes, I know that, but I That was before I knew you were - Gay? - Yes, exactly.
And back then, it just seemed like innocent fun, and now, well it it just doesn't.
Which is why I got you the most amazing costume, and I really think you're gonna love it.
Newsies.
Damn it! You know I'm obsessed with that movie! Remember that one Christmas I asked for a newsstand? And I got you period newspapers you can throw at people.
Ha ha! Extree! Extree! Oh, wow.
I look good in this hat.
- Mm.
- Okay.
All right, fine.
I will wear your costume, but only if you promise to stop micromanaging my first gay Halloween.
- Okay? - Yeah.
This is very important to me, and I've been waiting for it forever.
Fine.
I'll stay out of your way On the night that, statistically, has the most ritualistic killings of the year.
So, what are you two up to tonight? Jimmy and I are gonna go trick-or-treating.
Could be my last Halloween at home, so I thought I'd take my little sister around the block one more time.
If that sounded dirty, I didn't mean it to.
Okay.
My sewing club, now unionized, B-T-W, made us some sweet Bonnie and Clyde costumes.
I'm gonna be Bonnie, because gender is fluid nowadays.
Well, at least you picked historical figures.
You know, murderers, but still So, you're totally fine with Jimmy dressing in drag? Yes.
In his case, it's just, you know, "I'm silly, and check me out.
" In your case, it's "I'm single.
Check me out.
" [Door opens.]
Well, welcome to the worst day of my year.
Why? Because Halloween is a horrible night to be a cop.
That's why.
Everybody's drunk and out looking for trouble.
Used to be only kids dressed up, and if you're lucky, you get a little razor blade in your apple and slice your mouth open a little bit.
Anyway, Kenny, looks like it's just you and me again handing out candy, as usual.
Actually, I will be enjoying my holiday with my people at the big parade in Boystown.
You will be doing no such thing.
- Dad, please.
- Mm.
Please help me convince her.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Kenny.
I agree with Mom on this one, buddy.
It's just not safe out there.
I mean, one minute, you think you're drinking lemonade, and the next, it winds up being Molly water, and you're rolling balls for six hours.
Okay.
How about this? Why don't we have a party? - A party, here? - Yes.
- And I can invite anyone I want? - Yes.
Even gay people? Yes.
Dad, it's not called "rolling balls.
" It's called bowling.
[Chuckles.]
Ah.
[Chuckles.]
What do you want to do with these? Those aren't decorations, Pat.
They're actual cobwebs.
No! [Coughs.]
What is this? It's a map of our neighborhood, with the Murphys' house circled in skull and crossbones.
Jimmy and Shannon aren't going trick-or-treating.
They're gonna go prank the Murphys' house.
[Sighs.]
Hooligans.
Our own kids are hooligans?! [Sighs.]
Oh, I'm gonna teach them a lesson tonight, boy.
Yeah, I'm gonna scare them straight.
I wish I could do that with Kenny.
Yeah, I was a little surprised you agreed to let him have a party here.
- Well, it's better than the alternative.
- Well Besides, he knows zero gay kids to invite.
Well, he does have that one lesbian friend Allison.
Yeah, but she's kind of a dud.
I think I just stepped in gum.
My party is gonna be so awesome.
- Who's coming? - Who's not coming? My mom said I can invite as many gay kids as I want.
But you and I are the only gay kids at school.
Okay, fine.
So nobody's coming yet.
But don't you worry your plain little face, Allison, because we will find gay kids to invite.
I mean, Halloween is a magical night where anything can happen.
Including murder.
Yeah.
Well, hopefully not, but in any case, we're gonna fill my house to capacity.
How? By making a deal with the devil.
What do you want, Kenny? I like your costume.
We're doing "Faust.
" I'm not in it.
I'm just supporting the others who are.
That's what it's like at my new school We support each other.
Unlike my old school, where you tongued my prom date.
Stuart, that was months ago.
Haven't we moved on? Through dance therapy, yes, I have.
I am having a killer Halloween party at my house, and I'm willing to have you there if you bring along some of your new gay friends.
Okay, normally, I wouldn't even consider this, but my house is off-limits since the "Equus" wrap party, so I'm willing to grant your request.
There's just one hitch.
Bring it.
I must be referred to as the host.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
And I will be? The sad girl in the corner.
[Laughter.]
Hey, maybe before we prank the heck out of the Murphys' house, we should stop by a few places for candy.
Jimmy, I need you to focus.
I'll throw the eggs while you fill their mailbox with shaving cream.
Then we run like hell.
If anyone catches us, we keep mum about the whole thing.
"Mum" means quiet.
It's also a flower.
Why do you look so confused? Have you noticed that car following us? Yeah.
What if it's a Freddy-Krueger-type serial killer who chains us up in our dreams? We can't go to sleep.
Shannon, don't fall asleep.
Calm down and walk faster.
Pat: Jimmy and Shannon, stop walking.
Oh, my God.
The serial killer sounds just like Dad.
Jimmy, it is Dad.
That's what he wants us to think, Shannon! Jimmy, it's me, Dad.
Get in the damn car.
Screw you, Krueger! Not worth it! Can't believe nobody's here yet.
I really hope Stuart didn't screw me on this one.
[Doorbell rings.]
This is it.
This is them.
Allison, the best Halloween of our lives is about to start right now.
Oh, man.
[Door closes.]
Apigeon whisperer? Stick of spearmint gum with flies all over it.
Um Garbage Island.
No! I'm Tippi Hedren from "The Birds.
" I'm trying to impress Steve the Colorist from work.
He and his gay buddies are gonna go down to Boystown for the parade and, fingers crossed, I'm gonna be with them.
Oh, don't talk about the parade.
That's where Kenny wants to go.
Fine, but when Steve texts, I'm outtie.
I'm checking things off my bucket list, and number one is me getting my own gay entourage.
Really? That's number one? [Chuckles.]
Well - What are those two doing? - Having a party.
- But no one is here.
- Exactly.
I win.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Gasps.]
You came! I mean, uh, cool, yeah.
Um, I thought maybe you weren't gonna make it.
Yeah, I'm a bit late because my extensions got tangled in my belly-button ring, which got tangled in my snake.
#Britney Troubles.
[Laughs.]
Any too-hooters, my party has officially begun! Yeah.
- Live it up, live it up - Yes! Hey.
Welcome.
- Hey.
- Where Wh-Why? Oh.
- Did I not tell you? - No.
Stuart transferred to the Oscar Wilde School for the Performing Arts.
This is going to be the most amazingly gay Halloween ever! Yeah! All my ladies around the globe I'm just as surprised as you are.
All my ladies, run the show It's me Allison.
Work it, love it, live it up This is so much better than I could've ever imagined.
I mean, this could be our new crew, Allison.
I've never had a crew before.
Do you think that Black Swan's checking me out? Totally.
The tension is palpable.
Let me know if I'm coming on too strong.
I was wondering where the bathroom was.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
It's right - I'm the host.
My party.
It's my party, everyone! I'll tell you where the bathroom is.
Oh, oh, oh, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Where's the bathroom? Bye, bye, bye And can we please do something about the lighting? I'm digging your hot-cop costume.
I am a cop.
I work here.
Hey, Pat and Pat's children, who are handcuffed for some reason.
Gloria, it's nice to see you again.
Especially at your place of work - and not on a date with my dad.
- Hey.
Told you the cuffs were a bit much, Dad.
Well, if you'll tell me why you were gonna prank the Murphys, I'll happily take the cuffs off.
We have to keep mum, Dad.
"Mum".
"Dad".
[Laughs.]
I'm happy this is a joke for you.
Listen, these two are in trouble, but I need to go handle this mermaid who was just urinating in public.
Can you watch them for a minute? Yeah, sure.
But what are they in for? They're charged with possession of eggs.
No prison can hold me.
[Daniel Joseph Baker's "My Inferno" plays.]
Still no text from Steve the Colorist.
I mean, I'm the one who introduced him to skinny mimosas.
Does that count for nothing? Enough of your gay problems.
I'm surrounded with gay problems of my own.
I got a houseful of boys in stilettos putting divots in my floor, and all these snacks look like [bleep.]
Why would you ever serve a whole cucumber? I didn't think anyone was gonna show up! You chop up the corn dogs and I'll slice the cucumbers I didn't think anyone was in the yard.
Your party sucks.
It's freezing, and the food is cut up for babies.
I thought it was your party.
Well, now that it sucks, it's yours.
And if it doesn't get any better, I'm taking my gays and I'm leaving.
Extree! Extree! Read all about the best Halloween party ever! Why it's so cold? It's like a meat locker in here.
And not the gay bar downtown, The Meat Locker, which I actually hear is quite warm.
I-Is it cold? Because I'm I'm really sweating.
Step away from the thermostat.
[Gasps.]
55 degrees? You are trying to De-gay my party! I am not.
I blended all the Popsicles into slushies like you asked, Eileen.
Well, I just think it's more fun to drink a Popsicle.
Mom, you promised that you'd be cool with me having this party.
And I am.
I'm totally okay.
I am so cool.
I am totally cool.
Really? Because if you're not, I will gladly leave and go to the parade.
[Gasps.]
I'll go with you! No! No one is going anywhere.
I am completely comfortable with this party.
Look, I'll even Look, I'll turn it up.
See? I don't even know how that happened.
Okay, and you are comfortable with me being completely myself at this party? Yes.
100%.
You be you.
You know, just as long as you're being you here.
Right? At home.
- Shannon: This? - Jimmy: Nothing with raisins.
- I don't like taffy.
- Okay.
What about that? - Shannon, that's just a box of raisins.
- Okay, well, I can't see.
Okay, move.
Just go down, left.
You're just touching gum.
There.
There! That one.
You got it.
Okay.
You got to put it in my mouth.
Pat: What are you doing? You guys are here to be punished, not to have fun.
This is actually very stressful, Dad! Oh, Jimmy.
Can you please get somebody to cover for you so you can help me break my kids? Yes, I miss being in the field.
- Interrogations were my specialty.
- Oh, really? Yeah, I always wondered why you're stuck behind this desk.
I shot my partner.
Oh.
I did not know that.
Don't back down, get that turn around You see? A boy in a dress just walked by and stuck an entire corn dog in his mouth.
And I am fine with it! - I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
[Fifth Harmony's "That's My Girl" plays.]
[Cheering.]
That's my girl That's my girl That's my girl That's my girl You know what they say.
When Mom gives you lemons Beyoncé makes lemonade.
[Cheering.]
- Mom, are you okay? - Yes, I'm okay.
All good.
Really? You're not upset about this? What? No.
Not at all.
You make a great Beyoncé.
If Beyoncé had a pale, small, boy's body.
Sweet burn.
You're more like a Shetland Beyoncé.
[All gasping.]
What? What's happening? Mom, you're throwing shade, and you are surprisingly good at it.
Do me.
Do me.
Okay.
Well, uh you look just like Britney.
Mm-hmm.
The dirty, barefoot Britney from the gas-station bathroom.
[Laughter.]
Yas, Queen.
Gays like throwing shade? Oh, we live for it.
It's not a compliment unless it's backhanded.
Uh, and ok Oh, I'm guessing you're JLo.
But in your case, it's more like J-E-L-L-O.
[Crowd "Oohs", Ohs".]
Oh! Her cruelty is their joy.
Why are you so obsessed with pranking the Murphys? If you're going to interrogate me, I demand a lawyer.
All you need is a legal guardian, and I'm it.
Nice try with the cup, but you're not gonna get my prints.
[Sighs.]
You're my daughter.
I have your footprint in clay.
I'm not telling you anything.
Now, Jimmy Please! I can't keep mum.
I don't want to keep mum.
I don't even know what "mum" means! Okay, I'll tell you everything! You know, confessing will make everything easier.
Will it? Stop asking me questions back! And sometimes I don't brush my teeth before I go to bed.
And I pretend to tip the baristas so that they'll like me.
And just once, I was doing what boys do, and I didn't have any Kleenex, so I used my mom's good vase, and then she put roses in the vase, and they died.
Pat.
He told me everything.
Damn it, Jimmy! Honestly, I think you just had a kind of a heavy hand with the eyeliner, hon.
You use a pencil, not a paint brush.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- [Jodi gasps.]
Oh, my God! It's Steve the Colorist from work! This is my chance to impress him.
Hey, where you at, you lazy-eyed queen? [Laughs.]
Yeah, you heard me.
You're a flaming queen with a big-old lazy eye.
[Laughs.]
Hello? [Missy Elliott's "WTF (Where They From)" plays.]
The dance that you're doing is dumb How do they know all the same moves? Theater nerds.
The worst.
Stickin' out your tongue, girl You know it don't start till 1:00 That's how they do it where they from I'm so faded, no exaggeration Oh, I don't Look, I Boys to the yard for some hip spankin' [Cheering.]
Can't take it, em chicks been fakin' Y'all still sleep, better stay awakened Hot new dance for the hood to make it Make the dope move fast, make them think you drinkin' Head to the floor, don't collect that, though You better huddle up 'cause the beat's so cold Pop that, pop that, cock and reload [Cheering.]
Boys on my back, playa, did you peep that? You got a small stack, playa, you can keep that Get it, girl! I'm a big mack, make you wanna eat that Like mm-hmm-hmm-hmm, yak it to the yak Junk in the trunk make you pumps in the bump Girls wanna have fun, make you stickin' out your tongue Hi.
Kenny: So, the Halloween of my dreams had actually come true.
I was being my true self and my mom was being hers.
And we were both being accepted.
I may have even found myself a crew.
No, no, no.
Why did I change? Why did I change? Oh.
That's right.
Because I look fierce.
Hermes Trismegistus Witness and get lifted Basic I was born in the basement Shapeshift I think like a spaceship False, oh-nah-nah-nah - [Music stops.]
- What's going on? - What? - Party's over.
You all look ridiculous, and I want you out of my house.
You go, girl.
No, she's not playing anymore.
She's serious.
It's so hard to tell with her.
Well, Jimmy confessed more than I ever wanted to know.
May I suggest getting your entire house steam-cleaned? [Sighs.]
Why did they want to prank the Murphys' house? They overheard the Murphys saying that you guys were all going to hell because you're getting divorced and Kenny is gay.
What? They didn't tell you 'cause they thought you'd feel bad.
[Sighs.]
Well, I do.
I feel awful.
Haters gonna hate, Pat.
Haters gonna hate.
[Sighs.]
I learned that after I shot my partner.
Oh, my God.
What have I done to them tonight? [Sighs.]
I'm a horrible father.
No, you're not.
I mean, you're a little overprotective, but your kids are amazing.
Guys, I had no idea you did this to protect us and Kenny.
I never would've put you through this.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Aww.
The thought of having kids has always been the worst life I could imagine.
But your kids are way less annoying than most.
[Chuckles.]
I hope we get to hang out again.
[Chuckles.]
I'm flattered, but you're very old.
[Sighs.]
Phew! I thought I could do it.
I really did.
[Sighs.]
You know, for a minute, I really thought you could, too.
It's just that hearing about you kissing a boy at prom and then actually seeing you kiss a boy [Chuckles.]
They're two very different things.
And I'm your mother.
I really don't want to see you kissing anybody.
I get that.
I don't want to see you kissing anyone, either.
If it's anything like the way you eat corn, I'm terrified.
It's the sound, isn't it? But, look, um kissing aside, if you won't let me be gay here, I can't be here.
This is my worst fear.
I-I really don't want to lose you to this new - gay world.
- That's the thing.
It isn't some separate whole thing, Mom.
I mean, there's a place for you in it.
I mean, look at tonight You were the Belle of the gay ball.
I'll get there, you know? I know I will.
I'm just gonna need you to go slow with me.
Slower than we've been going? Mom, we're like an episode of "The Night Of.
" I bet you'd be good at throwing shade, too.
- I can hold my own.
- All right.
- Read me.
- Um Is the librarian convention in town? And you call yourself my son.
I know.
Kenny, I bought these khakis at the grocery store.
They have pleats in the front and back.
Why? Well, you know, as everything in our lives is changing, it's good to know our kids are on the right path.
Yes, maybe not the path we imagined, but, yes.
And even after I move out, I still want to do stuff together as a family, okay? Definitely.
This is the Murphys' house, guys.
No one ever gets egged the night after Halloween.
O'Neals rock! Eileen: Okay, Jimmy, we could also be doing this anonymously.
[Laughter.]
- Oh! - [Dog barking.]
Run! Run! Serpentine! Serpentine! [Barking continues.]