The Reluctant Landlord (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

What the hell is natural staining? It's staining that just happens.
It's natural.
It happens a lot.
This smell just appeared in the ambulance one day and you just accept it as part of the vehicle.
OK, that's both wank and not an example of staining.
OK, what are you guys on about? Natural staining.
Natural staining.
Yes, I realise that.
To do with what? Ah.
Yeah, Julie, could you add that to your to-do list, please? Why can't you put it on your to-do list? Because I'm actually already working through my to-do list.
Like this item here - oh, delegate to Julie.
Tick.
Smashed it.
OK, shall I do that after stapling the carpets and unclogging cubicle two or you could just renovate the pub.
It's difficult to do that when the pub's not making any money.
I don't think anyone's going to notice that stain, anyway.
Oh, really? I beg to differ.
Check this out.
These are Trip Advisor reviews of the pub.
Look at this.
"I bought some crisps there and the packet had a lot of air in it.
" Three stars.
Yeah, but they do put a lot of air in those pockets, don't they? "Quiet pub ruined by annoying man with long rambling stories.
" Two stars.
That is annoying, to be fair.
OK.
Actually, this is a positive one.
"Nice secluded car park.
" Five stars.
You see? That's good.
Yeah, but "The pub is quiet, which means not many strangers wander past the car park.
" Five stars.
Why do they keep banging on about the car park? Car parks are important.
Take Southgate, for example.
D'you know what the problem is there? Er, is it car parks? No car parks.
Oh.
Sometimes I'll say to Dispatch, I'll say, um, "Hello.
Is that Dispatch? Have you accounted for the traffic generated by the new shopping centre? And there's that and the school run.
And then you've got the roadworks.
How serious is this heart attack?" Two stars, mate.
(CLANGING) You don't need to rearrange the kitchen, Jayanthi.
I'm just trying to make your life easier, darling.
This is so bloody What the hell is she doing here? She came to pick up some Tupperware that she lent us, but then she noticed apparently I don't fill the cupboards properly, so she's now helping me, (IMITATES ACCENT) "to become a better wife and mother.
" We need to get her out of here.
Yes, OK.
Sorry.
By the way, the accent - super rated.
Found it! That's great, because I can get you some more food in it once I've given it a proper wash.
Can you see how much easier that would've been if you were organised, Mum, I could've just dropped that off.
You mean you could say you would and never do it.
No, thank you.
Anyway, it's nice to get out.
I'm all alone, you know? Honestly? What happened to Dad? Oh, shut up! Have you thought about maybe going out with friends? Or maybe even dating? Dating? Of course she hasn't thought about dating, she's my mum.
I would love some companionship.
I mean, it's not just companionship, Jayanthi.
Maybe it's also You know, a bit of What? Yes, what? I mean, do you have urges? Oh, my God, can you stop talking now? Do you mean sex? Of course she doesn't mean sex, because that would be too awful for words.
Actually, sometimes I do have urges, particularly when I'm watching my Magnum boxset.
OK, Charlie, do me a favour, find me something in the kitchen to cut my ears off with.
Second drawer on the left.
(TRIES TO TURN DOOR HANDLE) Why is the door locked? Because it's hard to keep the romance alive when you see someone having a shit.
Have you got your laptop in there? No.
Yes, but I'm doing work.
Oh.
You know how disgusting it is to take your laptop into the bathroom? There's all poo particles in the air.
We don't want all them getting over the laptop.
Much better they go all over the toothbrushes.
God.
I'm not being lectured by you, OK? You're in my bad books.
Because I talked about your mum and sex? Yes.
That and you also bringing it up again now.
Oh, God, Rom.
I think your mum's lonely.
Just because she's a certain age, doesn't mean she doesn't want a leg over.
"Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah" Rom? Fucking hell! What's happened? Er, nothing.
Have you pissed between the seat and the toilet again? Yes, that is what appears to have happened.
Can you get me another set of pyjamas? Oh.
Keeping the romance alive.
Dogging.
They're dogging out there.
What? That's why they're reviewing the car park.
They're shagging in it.
(GASPS) Yeah.
I know.
Julie, you've got to get rid of them.
Me?! Oh, I'll just put it on my to-do list, shall I? I can't go out there.
I look like someone that goes dogging, whereas you look like What do you look like? Why are you all dressed up? I'm not, I'm just normal.
Er, mate, I know your wardrobe inside out.
And that wasn't meant to sound as creepy as it did.
All right, an old mate from uni, she said she might drop by so I thought I'd just make an effort Um, is there an end to this story? Oh, look, there it is.
What you going to say to the doggers? I think I'll say, "I'm not doing it.
" Why are you being like that? I'm being like a woman who doesn't want to approach a car park full of men with their cocks out.
OK, it really does sound unreasonable when you put it like that.
Hey, man! Let me make myself very, very clear.
You leave.
Get out of my Get out of my car park! Get out of my car park! You all right there? Er, yes.
Yeah, fine, thanks.
You? Yeah.
Can I help you at all? Er, no.
No, thanks.
Well, well, yes, actually.
Hopefully.
Um, I wanted to talk to you about the, um, the dogging.
We're not dogging.
Right.
Er, I mean, it does look a lot like you are, er, dogging.
Yeah, we are dogging.
Right.
But I mean, you've got nothing to worry about.
I wouldn't be up No, God.
(LAUGHS UNEASILY) No, that's not why I'm out here.
God, no.
I mean, no disrespect, but that's not my bag at all.
No, it's just, er, this is actually my pub car park.
Oh.
So all of this is, er, well, it's a little bit of an issue.
How so? Well, I mean, it's a it's a family pub, so the shagging in the car park kind of jars a bit.
Oh, no, no, we are completely respectful of neighbours.
And yet in spite of that we are a very persecuted community.
Always have to move around because society doesn't accept us.
You're not Romany gypsies.
You just like getting blowjobs against the Honda.
Oh, no, I'm the BMW.
Good for you.
I still would like you to not park it in my car park.
Could make it worth your while.
How would you feel about an extra 20 or 30 customers every night? Look, mate, you seem like a nice bloke, you honestly do, but I can't sanction doggers in the car park.
It's just a little bit of extra money in your back pocket.
Hm? I mean, the pub does need decorating.
Well, there you go.
Do you know what? Yes, OK, fine.
Shake on it.
No, you're all right, mate.
Deal.
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Nat, where's my toothbrush? I threw the toothbrushes away because of the poo particles.
That's what you wanted.
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Get out! Sorry, sorry.
Oh, God! Why? Why? Why? What's going on? Mum wanted to show me what she's going to wear for her date.
She's got a date? How? She got a response on Tinder.
Tinder? Yeah.
Tinder is for people who are trying to get (SOFTLY) .
.
laid.
Don't be ridiculous.
All right, fine.
Did you see Grandma's boobies? No, I did not see Grandma's boobies.
What were you thinking, bursting in like that? I must remember to knock before I go into my own bedroom! Oh, you look lovely.
You don't think it's too much? No.
Not for going down the dock to hand out a few wristies.
Romesh! What? They know what I mean.
Don't be so sexist.
She looks great.
You're not serious? Oh, don't be so rude.
I'm wearing it.
It's lovely, Dad.
Yeah, you're being rude.
Dad is being very rude, isn't he? Who are you going on a date with, anyway? A doctor.
A very good-looking doctor.
People very rarely tell the truth online.
I doubt he's a doctor.
I'll be surprised if he's a man.
You're going to have a lovely time.
Ignore your son, who weed himself I told you, why don't you wee standing up like a man? You let me wee sitting down and I'll let you go on a date looking like something out of Ru Paul Drag Race.
Anyway, enough about me banging on about myself all night.
What about you? Me? Oh, no, I'm just boring, really.
Honestly, I love hearing about your life - your travelling, your family, your investment properties, your inspirational meme business.
That sounded sarcastic, but I mean it.
It's great.
That's awesome.
I've missed you.
Oh, come on, I bet it's not boring.
Boyfriend? Dog? House? Well, yeah, there is actually, erm, a few Oh, who am I kidding? No, it's the same stuff.
None of that matters.
As long as you're happy.
Before I started my business I was in a job where I wasn't valued.
I couldn't take it.
I walked away and it's the best thing I could've done.
You're still at the pub because you still feel valued and that's the main thing.
(GENERAL CHATTER) This is good, isn't it? Is it? I thought we'd increase takings.
None of them are spending any money.
They're all drinking fucking tap water and they're doggers.
Yeah, well, you know, they probably don't want to get all filled up before Yes, OK, thank you, Lemon.
I'm having second thoughts about this, to be honest.
What the hell was I thinking? Have you considered selling refreshments during? Are you being serious? Yeah, you could take them drinks, leave them outside their cars.
You know what they're doing in the cars.
I'm not going out there.
"Excuse me, mate, do you mind if I just put this pint by your arse?" If you don't want to make money, I can't make money out of them.
They don't spend anything.
I need to get rid of them.
Rom, we need to have a chat.
Why is it so busy in here? It's the doggers.
What the hell are they doing here? Please don't tell Natasha, she'll go nuts.
I need to talk to you.
Yes? Well, I'm just going to ask you a simple question, OK? Er, yes, yes.
Do you value me? Did you have a little doobie after dinner? No, Rom, I'm serious.
Is this value being valued or do you just want some Pringles? I am not stoned.
OK, then I must be then, because I don't know what you're talking about.
It's just you give me the shitty jobs to do and I do them and I don't hear anything about it.
For example, did you notice I got rid of the stain? OK, so this is about the stain.
I asked you to clean the stain, you did, I didn't say thank you.
I just want a little appreciation.
OK, I hear you, all right? Everybody, guys, I don't know if you noticed but there was a stain here - horrible stain - and thanks to this lady here there is no stain so I would just like to take this opportunity to show her our appreciation for getting rid of that stain, so please give it up for Julie! Thank you.
Well done, Julie! Thank you.
Julie, she got rid of the stains.
Julie, washed it away like the rain.
Go, Julie! Go, Julie! Go, Julie! You did so well, Julie! (IMITATES CHEERING CROWD) Is that OK? So you decided to be a dick about it.
I'm not being a dick about it, but it's not a great time, is it? The pub's not making any money and it's infested with doggers.
Yeah, OK, I see.
(SCOFFS) Yes, mate? What can I get you? Can I just get some tap water, please? No, you can't.
Fuck off.
Why are you looking out the window? Er, I thought I saw a fox.
Since when do you care about foxes? I find them fascinating, actually.
They're very interesting creatures.
OK.
Oh, listen, we're going to see your mum tomorrow.
Why? Because you're a wonderful, supportive son.
Julie says it's busier at the pub.
No, it isn't.
Why are you being so weird? I'm not.
Bloody hell.
Right, what are you looking at? Argh! Oh, my God.
What have you done? What have you done? Lie, down, lie down, lie down.
(GROANS) There you go.
Oh Down, down Argh! Are you all right? I don't know.
Hang on, love.
Yeah.
Argh! Your back.
(WRITHES IN AGONY) God.
What have you done? I don't know, Nat.
(CLEARS THROAT) All right? Just waiting for someone to get going.
You're welcome to stay.
Er, yeah.
No, thanks.
I actually wanted a bit of a word.
Oh, nice.
Well, funnily enough I wanted to have a quick chat with you.
Really? About what? The motion sensor light.
What about it? Well, it's a bit distracting is all.
Dogging is all about fantasy fulfilment and for a lot of the guys, er, light isn't really their friend.
Plus, Baz has a condition where if he's surprised by anything he can't, um, you know.
Right, well, as we're sharing, your people are not actually spending any money in my pub.
Oh, right.
No, sure.
Well, that's because they say your pub's seedy.
Seedy? Seedy.
These weirdoes think that my pub's seedy? All right, keep your hair on.
Tell you what we'll do.
You sort out your motion sensor light, I'll speak to the guys and see if I can get them to spend more money.
Sorry they haven't so far.
Right.
Thank you.
That's all I was after.
You're more than welcome.
Right.
Cheers.
Have fun.
I will have fun! How we doing? Oh, bloody hell! Darren! Sorry, Tommy.
Never mind sorry.
Get back in the car.
Why are we playing this? To make it look a bit more relaxed when they arrive, not like we've been sat here waiting for them.
But we are just waiting They told us they were coming.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Right, don't be an idiot.
Do I just sit here playing on my own? Hi! Hello.
Hello.
I'm Natasha.
Delighted to meet you.
Come in.
This seems familiar.
Oh, my God.
Dr Shepherd.
Hello, Romesh.
Hello.
You two know each other? Er, yes.
I went to the doctor's last week.
Did you? Yes.
It's not a big deal, it was just about my back.
This is your doctor? Yes.
Wow.
What a lovely coincidence.
You didn't mention it to me.
We're all full of surprises, aren't we, Mum? He was a very good patient.
He didn't mind losing the kidney.
(GUFFAWS) A-bra-cada-bra! So are you guys off out? I thought I'd take her out for a spot of dinner.
Nice little place I know.
She's never had sushi.
Well, nobody's ever taken me.
And I thought that seemed a bit fishy.
(GUFFAWS) (LAUGHS) Are you all right, Mum? Yes.
Why wouldn't I be? Er, right, I'm going to do some tea if anyone fancies it.
That'd be lovely.
No sugar.
I have enough sweetness right here.
Oh, Brian.
(CHUCKLES) What are you doing with this? The car park people dropped it.
Which car park people? The people who use the car park at night to stand there talking.
That is, um, a drama group.
Why do they do it at night? Because it's a night-time drama group, OK? It's educational.
Oi! (ENGINE OFF) Can I help you? My son found this in the car park.
That's nothing to do with us.
The bra has nothing to do with people who regularly have sex here? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
OK, drop it, mate, cos you pricks have to go.
Why? Because you don't spend any money in the pub and because of this I have to set up some nocturnal theatre group.
I'm going to report you for indecency.
How'd you like that? You can try and you might get rid of one or two of us, but we're not a group, we're individuals so you'd have to complain and bar us one by one.
Got it all figured out, haven't you? Well, I'm sorry, but when you're a persecuted group.
Yes, OK, Mandela.
You're a wanker! You're a wanker, mate.
You're a wanker! You're a double a triple wanker, mate.
BMW, dogger, tracksuit.
You're like a wanker lasagne.
I've been out-manoeuvred by a bunch of actual wankers.
Oh, no, at war with your own kind.
Oh, my God.
What? The way you gave that change was incredible, just so quick.
Well done.
You're so good at change.
You're just, bang! "There you go, Lee.
" You can be a real prick sometimes, Rom.
Wha Julie.
Shall I go and talk to her? No, she knows I'm messing about.
I need to get rid of these arseholes.
Yeah.
It's a shame they like your car park so much.
Yes, Lee, it is a shame.
No, what I mean is it's a shame there's not a better place for them to go.
Oh, my Lee, you're a genius.
I mean, you're an accidental genius, but you are a genius.
Perfect timing.
Get your phones out, get onto the Doggie Days website.
Why? Because we are going to recommend the next dogging hotspot.
Got you.
Oh, hey, David.
How's it all going over at your place? Er, yeah, good, thanks.
We can but try out best to serve How can we help you, David? Er, well, er, bit of an odd one.
Um, just wondered if you'd had any unusual customers lately.
Hm.
I don't think so.
I mean, what do you mean by unusual? Well, there's a group of them.
They, um, Moaning a lot? No, no, it's not that.
I have a suggestions box for all that kind of thing.
Bit dirty? No, we have Tuesday.
That's never an issue.
In and out all the time? No, no.
Shagging in the car park? No Sorry? I'm just being a dickhead, David.
We had some doggers in our car park.
Have they moved on to yours? (FEIGNS CHUCKLE) No.
No, no, I'm pretty sure this isn't them.
Doggers.
You sure? Are they a little bit weird and always seem to turn up late in the evening? No.
Do you know No, no, no.
Oh, brilliant.
No, it's definitely not them.
No, I'm pretty sure of it, so anyway, thanks for the chat.
I've got to get back, so Make sure you disinfect all your surfaces, eh? (FEIGNS CHUCKLE) Yeah.
Will do.
Oh, David, you wouldn't happen to need any extra staff over there? Always on the lookout for decent people, you know.
Was that meant to scare me? "Oh, no, Julie's going to work for David Foster.
" Sure, mate.
I'm just exploring my options.
Oh, really.
Very well played.
The bloody stain's back.
No way.
Jesus, what is it? Dunno, but whatever it is it's back on your to-do list.