The Santa Clauses (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
By the power of Yule,
I command thee, cane.
Come hither now!
[scoffs]
I meant now!
Oh, aren't we all full of mirth?
I was joking.
[chuckles] How about now?
[knife clatters]
We're getting nowhere.
It's been three months,
and your magic still hasn't come back.
No, I saw it twitch on that last one.
It definitely did not!
We're no closer to smiting our enemies
than we were when we awoke
in this sad purgatory.
I used to sit on
a grand throne clad in ice,
and now I rest my bottom
on a bag of beans.
[Mad Santa groans]
But my magic will return.
And I will hold vengeance
just like I hold my cane.
Just like I hold my cane!
My cane!
Cane.
[Olga groans]
[grunts]
[whispers] Why do you think he has us here
and not in the lunchroom?
I don't know the answer to that.
-Ah.
-Oh. Yay.
Mmm.
Oh, Noel, this looks absolutely delicious.
Compliments to the chef.
This is why I did not wanna do this.
Noel, honey, um, are you doing okay?
I've never been better.
I'm having brunch with
my three favorite people in the world.
How are you, Mrs. Claus?
Um, good. I've been very busy with work.
The nutcracker investigation
has taken most of my time.
[Scott] Yeah, how's that going?
We know that it's no longer in Norway.
And we're checking in with our sources
in other parts of the world,
but nothing actionable yet.
Let's not talk about work.
Okay, but I made a major breakthrough
in Cal's sleigh training.
He's no longer passing out?
No. Still passing out
as soon as he sees the sleigh.
Mmm.
But I have a foolproof method
of getting over his fear of heights.
Are they angry about this?
[elves sigh]
Furious.
[Cal] I wish Riley was here.
-You know it's her birthday tomorrow?
-That's great.
I was thinking of writing a poem
or a song for her.
When you write a poem or a song
or something for Mom,
where do you get the inspiration from?
Books, movies, uh,
Dove candy bar wrappers.
I don't know. Enough with the chitchat.
Let's go.
-[elves grunting]
-[Cal grunts]
-All ready on my end, boss.
-Perfect.
Remember how we went through this?
-Uh, reins between your fingers.
-[Cal] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Just like we practiced.
All right. Come on.
You gotta get used to snow blizzards.
-It's gonna happen, flying around.
-[Cal coughs]
Good thing I couldn't get
the lightning machine working.
-[chuckles]
-The what?
All right. You gotta feel
the prevailing winds. You got it?
-Prevailing winds. Feel 'em. Come on.
-[coughs]
-I-I feel 'em. I feel 'em, yeah.
-Yeah.
And remember,
all the children of the world are
30,000 feet down there waiting for you.
-Look down there. Hey, kids. 30,000…
-[groans]
[elves screaming]
[groaning]
[sighs] For the love of Saint Nicholas,
do I have to put training wheels
on a folding chair?
[theme playing]
[choir harmonizing]
["Jingle Bells" plays]
-[knocking]
-Ding-dong. Is the witch in?
[whispers] No.
Sandra?
-Hey. Okay.
-[gasps] Oh! Sorry.
La Befana's been teaching me
how to tune out the animal voices.
Oh, yeah, how-how's it going?
-Great.
-Oh.
I can't even hear
that spider on your shoulder.
-[screams, chuckles]
-[spider] No!
-Mom.
-I'm sorry.
So, hey,
you have been so busy with La Befana,
I thought it might be fun
to have an us day.
You could come down to the squad room.
This nutcracker case could benefit
from some fresh eyes.
Between me and Gary, we only have three.
Mom, I'm busy working on spells.
But maybe another time.
Totally. I'll check back in.
-Okay, great.
-Uh, like an hour or…
-I'll let you know.
-Yes.
No. You let me know.
[sighs] Just totally let me know.
That's good.
Door closed, please.
Yeah.
[Olga] What are we doing?
We should be plotting our revenge
while that Kris fool is away.
Relax.
He's gone all week procuring
less expensive provisions for Santapolis.
He calls it bargain hunting.
But the doddypoll didn't even pack
a crossbow. [laughs]
Oh. Perhaps some libations
will inspire us?
Welcome to Santapolis, where we infuse
our hot chocolate with North Pole magic.
North Pole magic?
That's it.
If we can get back home,
the magic of the North Pole
will restore my powers.
[laughing]
[grunts]
Barmaid, what is this swill?
Don't tell anyone,
but it's Yoo-hoo we leave out in the sun.
I used to serve my secret recipe,
but we had to cut costs.
Yes, well, your shame is safe with us.
-[groans]
-You like marshmallows, huh?
No, I hate it.
Enough buffoonery.
How do people get from place to place
in these times?
Rideshare.
Rideshare?
[goat bleats]
-Hello. Stop.
-Hello, hello.
Why is no one sharing their ride with us
even when we brought
our own provisions for the journey?
[goat bleats]
[Mad Santa] You!
Hello!
[sighs]
Hmm. It's almost Easter.
Olga, dear,
I think I have an errand for you.
[Scott] Hey, Carol.
[Carol] I'm here, sweetheart.
Listen, I might have some bad news.
I think I've hit a wall training with Cal.
Although,
you actually have to move to hit a wall.
-[chuckles] So--
-[sighs]
Hey!
Why do you look like Alice Cooper?
Oh. You're trying to relate
to Sandra's deal. I get it.
She's spending every minute
with La Befana.
-I don't think it's healthy.
-Honey, are you jealous?
What? No.
'Cause La Befana
is just like having a cool aunt.
You ever had a cool aunt?
I had a cool aunt, Louise.
-Yeah, there you go.
-Yeah, she didn't like me.
Well, we had an aunt Tina.
And my sister and I adored
spending time with Aunt Tina
'cause she'd take us to movies.
Sometimes we'd go to three matinees.
She'd sneak us in three at a time
and then make this big popcorn salad--
Okay, are you going somewhere with this?
Yeah. My sister loved spending time
with Aunt Tina, but not my mom.
Oh, okay. So, what happened?
Well, my mom and my sister
never really saw eye to eye.
But my sister adored every minute
with Aunt Tina until the day she died.
Scott?
I don't think this has anything
to do with your situation.
This is just a story.
Just like anything else. Just a story.
Yeah.
Wow.
[exhales deeply]
-How ordinary.
-[Olga snarls]
-[door slams]
-[figure groaning]
[Olga panting]
Okay, here's our ticket home.
[muffled exclamations]
[La Befana] Excellent. Now we do the book.
Now summon a gust of wind.
Nice.
Turn the pages slowly.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's a transformation spell?
Use your brains, little pastina.
It is a spell that turns something
into something else.
Well, can I learn it?
Absolutely not.
Transformation is highly dangerous.
Extremely advanced.
I'm not afraid. I can do it.
Two year, maybe.
Two years? Well, I'll be old by then.
-These are the rules of magic.
-[knocking on table]
-[sighs]
-Next we will practice incantations.
Oh! Oh!
[groans]
Ooh!
[Mad Santa] I said I wanted him found,
not bound.
At least remove his gag.
It's not how we treat old friends.
You were friends?
Oh, my stepmother wants to boil me ♪
So her son can inherit the clock ♪
Nay, forsooth, Master Winston
Me like porridge not ♪
[Mad Santa, Easter Bunny chuckle]
This song slapeth. Everyone, join in.
No gag?
You used to be fun.
[exclaims, spits]
[pants] I don't know what bathroom
you got that gag out of,
but it's disgusting.
And you're a disgusting g-nome.
The G is silent, and you know it.
-So Magnus Antas is back.
-[Mad Santa] Yes.
Even scarier than I remember.
[laughs]
Yes.
But don't think I've forgotten
how you and the other
Legendary figures betrayed me.
I had nothing to do with that.
You do know that there is
a Easter Gopher too.
I don't know why you came and got me.
I just give out eggs.
I don't believe you
'cause you're sly like a bunny.
No, sly like a fox.
-I'm pretty sure it's sly like a bunny.
-No, it's fox.
-No, it's sly like a bunny.
-No, it's sly like a fox.
Nay. I believe it's bunny.
-No, people say fox.
-Where I'm from, it's sly like a bunny.
-Where I come from--
-Shut up, both of you!
-[screams]
-Take us to the North Pole, rabbit.
Well, hello to you too.
And you can save your breath.
I would never ever, ever, ever,
ever hurt Santa Scott.
Not gonna happen.
Scott. What an undignified name.
One syllable.
Pathetic.
He's a wonderful, jolly Santa.
Something you and your sidekick here
know nothing about.
-Sidekick? I'll give you a side kick.
-[sniffs]
[screams]
What'd you kick me in my hoppers for?
That's my moneymakers.
Silence! We need you and your magic
to get us to the North Pole.
Never gonna happen, Mad Santa.
Mad Santa!
-Oh, that name!
-[Easter Bunny groans]
Mad Santa.
[sighs]
[Easter Bunny] What are you
snapping your fingers for?
-What's going on?
-You'll see.
Where's she going?
[Easter Bunny gasps] No.
It's Chubby Bunny time.
Not the Peeps.
[Mad Santa] You're going to eat them all.
You're a pure monster.
-[laughs]
-Peeps were never meant to be eaten.
Those were packing materials.
No! [sniffs]
[Cal sighs]
It's official.
I'm a disappointment to our father.
-[sighs]
-Oh, please.
He chose you to be the next Santa.
-[scoffs]
-I can't even fly the sleigh.
[groans]
When the Legendaries see how bad I am,
Dad's gonna be so embarrassed.
Do you even wanna be Santa?
[stammers] Why wouldn't I?
Riley likes how I look in the vest.
If I ever succeed,
it'll make Dad so happy.
So, you're doing it
for everyone but yourself?
No, no.
I like-- Uh-- [sighs]
Yeah, just kind of
ran out of words there, huh?
There are a lot of jobs
that come with vests.
So, if this doesn't work out,
-then you've always got that.
-[sighs]
Like-- Oh, a crossing guard.
[Gary] The nutcracker has exchanged hands
with collectors and dealers
and rogues all over Europe,
but it might've wound up in America.
Sorry. What?
Hello? Nutcracker?
Doing my job because you made me.
Great. Anyway, can you, um, get me
the cameras you have on La Befana's cabin?
I knew it. She got into your head.
This is what she does.
-[switch clicks]
-[machine whirs]
-Hey there.
-[machine powers down]
Were you watching our daughter?
-[chuckling] No.
-Yes.
Fine.
Yes. I'm just worried.
We hardly know La Befana, and she's
been spending all her time with her.
Yeah, you're right about that.
Thank you for being on my side.
-[gulping]
-Know what? Let's invite her to dinner.
-What?
-To get to know her, right?
Unless this is because you're jealous?
No. Dinner-- Dinner's great.
What time?
I'll clear my schedule.
You know, what I'd do
is go home and wait for the call.
-Stop it.
-Hey, can I borrow one of the jetpacks?
Depends.
Are you going to send our son into orbit
to force him to get over
his fear of heights?
Cancel the jetpack.
-[Gary groans]
-[Carol] Hmm.
I think you should take it easy on Cal.
Try telling him you love him.
-Have you tried it?
-Honey, I-- I'm--
No one ever told me they loved me.
It's pretty obvious.
-[Mad Santa laughs]
-I'm begging you.
Technically, you could use these
to seal your windows.
[groaning]
-[stomach rumbling]
-[whimpers]
Uh-oh. Does your tummy hurt?
[groaning]
[object pops, clatters]
Did that just come from his…
Yeah! [laughing]
I've forgotten about his weaponized eggs.
-[Easter Bunny] Yeah!
-[sniffs]
-[groaning, coughs]
-[laughing continues]
-Bunny go bye-bye. [whooshes]
-[coughs, gasps]
-[screams]
-[Olga groans]
-[Mad Santa] Where did he go?
-I feel fine. [grunts]
[Mad Santa gasps, grunts]
[groans]
[Carol] I hope this is all right.
I wasn't quite sure what you like to eat.
[La Befana] I only eat soup.
-[Carol] Oh. Uh, we have-- Thank you.
-[La Befana chuckles]
So, your dad has been detained,
and he is not able to make dinner.
I'm gonna kill him.
Uh, so, Miss-- Ms… [chuckles] …La Befana,
uh, what have you and Sandra
been working on?
Oh, Mom, it's complicated.
We have been practicing telekinesis
among other things.
And let me just say,
Sandie has come a long way
from beheading ficuses.
-Oh-- [laughing]
-[laughing]
I'm sorry. Why are we laughing?
You kind of had to be there. [scoffs]
Miss Befana, can you please pass the salt?
But of course.
[Cal gasps]
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
-Watch this.
-What?
[gasps] You've been practicing.
-Cool, huh? [chuckles]
-What?
Okay, okay. Everyone, I've--
-I have something. [chuckles]
-[La Befana chuckles]
Okay. [clears throat]
-[Sandra] Okay.
-[glass squeaking]
Just wait for it. It's usually so cool.
Oh, it is cool.
-[chuckles]
-It's so cool. And it, um--
Great job, Mom.
-Yep.
-[Cal] You know I have magic too?
With my Santa powers,
I can tell someone exactly what they want.
[whispers] I got it.
You think the steak is bland
and lacks flavor.
Okay! No more magic at the dinner table!
Hmm.
I am sorry.
There is a reason
I never get invited to things like this.
-[cutlery clatters]
-No. Nice going, Mom. [sighs]
Wait. She gets to leave?
[clicks tongue] Hmm.
I'm sorry for yelling.
[both sigh]
It's really silly.
But I think that I'm jealous
because Sandra likes you so much.
Mrs. Claus jealous of La Befana?
But you are so blonde.
Why wouldn't I be jealous?
I mean, you live in this mysterious,
wonderful cabin.
And you have this magic.
And you have this beautiful,
melodic singsongy voice, and--
That is an accent. I am from Italy.
[sighs] That is so cool. Um…
I just felt like
maybe you were taking my place. [chuckles]
No. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
A girl may need
a teacher from time to time,
but a daughter needs her mother forever.
And besides, I don't want to be mom.
It seems difficult.
[chuckles] It is, but, um, it's worth it.
Maybe you should come
and see Sandie's training sometime?
Really?
-Yes. [chuckles]
-Okay. [chuckles] Wow.
Um, what should I wear?
-Just your regular clothes.
-Course.
[both laugh]
And do I bring a broom?
No, you will not need to clean there.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, you wanna know something cool?
The Letters Department.
This cave was the original one
used here at the North Pole.
Maybe that's why I like coming here.
Relaxes me.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing. Just writing back to someone.
[Scott] That's nice.
We don't answer letters
here at the North Pole, Son.
You know, this is not a two-way system.
We're working on a way
to make it like that
so that we can send stuff back,
but there's been some little glitches.
-How little?
-Everything blows up.
Ouch.
Wait. So then how does the mail get here
in the first place?
[stammers]
Kids send letters to Santa Claus, right?
["Santa's Coming for Us" playing]
First, the kid has to address
their letter, "To Santa."
It's actually kind of complicated.
Then they have to mail it.
Finally, magic delivers it here
through that whirly gate thing up there.
Wow.
So, back to training?
No, I thought we'd do
something fun tonight.
Have you ever been to
the Control Center after hours?
No. [chuckles]
I tried to get in once using a fake ID,
but they knew who I was.
Yeah, because you live here.
Yeah, they-- right out. [mutters]
Well, consider tonight your lucky night.
Wow. [chuckles]
Thanks. [chuckles]
[music stops]
Where did you come from?
[music resumes]
Santa's coming to town ♪
[laughs] Mental warfare.
The kids call it "trolling."
What? A troll would never think of this.
-S-Sorry. I meant no-- no offense.
-[music fades]
[elves chattering]
I've been saving this bottle
for a special occasion.
Thank you, Pierre.
Look at that. 1996.
Great year for root beer.
I hope you enjoy it, Dad.
Look, you reindeer brain,
this is for the both of us.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Do the honors.
-You sure?
-Sure.
You're of age. You're 18.
You can handle it.
-[cork pops]
-[exclaims]
Besides, this is a rite of passage
you wanna do with your dad.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Boy, that hits the spot.
You know what? I love ice cream.
Everybody loves ice cream.
You know I love you, right?
-[stammers]
-[Scott sighs]
Are you talking to the float or me?
[chuckles]
Come on, Cal.
I-I thought you were disappointed in me.
I've never seen anybody drive worse,
but most people in that situation
would have crawled into a cave.
You didn't.
You went back at it, tried it again.
So I'm proud of you.
[sighs, stutters] Thanks, Dad.
Thank you.
You know, I'm-- I'm proud of you too.
Course you are.
That was never the question.
[toy squeaks]
[toy squeaks]
[toy squeaks]
Oh, there you are.
Why are you so happy?
[clicks tongue] Dad said he loves me.
A-And he's proud of me. [chuckles]
And you just figured this out?
Well, no, no. I-I-I knew it.
It's just he doesn't usually say it.
It's more like a, "attaboy"
or, you know, those things
that coaches say in football movies?
You're so weird.
No, you're just jealous
that I'm the "hare" to the throne.
Cal, it-- it's-- it's heir.
No, it's not.
Which I would know because I'm the "hare."
Heir.
-[Cal] Hare.
-[Sandra] You got to be kidding me.
[Easter Bunny panting] Where's Santa?
I gotta find Santa.
One more hop and I'm gonna pop.
-Go, go!
-Hey, that rhymes.
I'm a poet, and I didn't even realize it.
[chuckles]
Where's Santa?
I need to tell him something.
Oh, you're looking at me. Well, almost.
Um, I'm the "hare" to the throne.
[Easter Bunny] That supposed to be a joke?
Because it's hilarious.
-[laughs]
-You are so embarrassing.
You're embarrassing.
You don't even know what hare means.
-[scoffs]
-Look, I'm not here for your shenanigans.
I need to find your father.
Cal, hare means rabbit.
-[all groan]
-[glass shatters]
-[footsteps approaching]
-Guys, what's happening?
Mom, I promise I can explain.
[magic rumbling]
It is me. La Befana.
I felt a strong concentration of magic.
Who is this little fuzzy-wuzzy?
-No one.
-[Cal] It's the Easter Bunny.
-Sandra changed him into a bunny-bunny.
-I didn't do it on purpose.
How could you let this happen?
I'm-- I'm sure that she didn't mean to.
She didn't-- Oh, okay.
You performed a transformation spell
without my permission?
N-No, I-I swear I didn't.
I just-- I was mad,
and I was picturing a bunny,
and it-- it just happened.
[mutters]
That is something else entirely.
Your magic is stronger than I thought.
Well, you can change him back, right?
[scoffs] Maybe.
Reversing a transformation
is never a guarantee.
I fear that we have moved too quickly
with your training,
and perhaps it is best
if we take a step back.
So, I'm getting in trouble now
because my powers are too strong?
I thought that was a good thing.
Power can be dangerous.
You know, I just think you're jealous
because my magic is getting so strong
when you can barely even stir
your own soup.
Basta, Sandie.
We will talk about this later.
I don't wanna talk about it later.
Very well.
Come, coniglio.
Let us get to work.
[magic rumbling, fades]
Oh, sweetheart.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
-I know you didn't mean to.
-[Sandra cries]
[sniffles] Thank you for being on my side.
-[inhales deeply, sniffles]
-Oh, sweetheart. I'm your mom.
I'm always gonna be on your side.
[elves chattering, exclaiming]
[sighs]
I'm sorry about that.
What happened was partially my fault.
Partially?
Okay, "a lot-ally."
I'm not-- I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at La Befana.
She freaked out over one mistake.
[chuckling] Well, I also feel bad
that I might've ruined Easter.
Oh, yeah. That's a biggie.
Really?
I'm sorry. I just-- [sighs]
I've been feeling bad too.
I thought this was
the best day of your life
since Dad learned how to verbalize
his emotions or whatever.
I-It was,
which is why I sent a message to Riley.
And nothing.
I mean,
what's the point of having a great day
if you can't share it
with the person you love?
Gross.
I wish I could just see her, you know.
Do you want to?
Cal, you can see the vortexes,
and I can fly the sleigh.
Unless you're too scared?
[sighs] Let's go.
-Oh, yes.
-Let's do it. Yeah.
God, Dad's gonna kill us.
As soon as the protective shield around
the North Pole thins before Christmas,
we'll launch the gnomes.
I call it "Operation Gnome Man's Land."
"No Man" or "Gnome Man"?
Gnome. It's a clever play on the word.
[stammers] You know what? Never mind.
You're so critical.
Maybe I wouldn't be so critical
if you had better ideas.
[sniffing] I smell reindeer.
[both sniff]
[whispers] What are you doing here?
I wanted to surprise you.
-Wh--
-Happy birthday!
My birthday was two days ago.
You missed it.
You know,
my friends have officially decided
that my Canadian boyfriend is made up.
Cal Calvin from Calgary
wasn't super convincing.
I really wish I could've been there,
but I've been so busy with my dad.
[scoffs] You're always busy with your dad.
I'm-- I'm here now.
Exactly. In the middle of the night
with no warning.
[breathes shakily]
I can't keep doing this.
Doing what?
We never see each other,
and then you show up in my living room.
It's too much.
I'll make it up to you.
I mean, we got prom soon, Floofy. Come on.
No, Cal.
[cries]
I'm done. [sighs]
I want you to dust me
so that I forget I ever met you.
No, I-I will never do that.
Fine.
Then I'll forget about you on my own.
I'm sorry, bud. [sighs]
That was real rough.
[grunts] The reindeer! They're here.
Santa must be near.
[groans] I hate when we rhyme.
[pants]
[Sandra] Cal.
Cal, Cal!
Okay, look, I-- [scoffs]
I-- I never really liked Riley anyways.
Hmm.
Actually I really liked her.
She was so cool.
I just wanna make you feel better.
None of this would've happened if Dad
wasn't so obsessed with me being Santa.
I wish I never put this thing on!
-[sleigh whooshes]
-There he is! Fraud Santa!
[both groan]
If you had your magic,
you could bring them down.
Oh, you love mentioning
that I don't have my magic anymore!
-[groans]
-What's that?
I don't know.
-[sighs]
-[Olga grunts]
Look at this rag.
[gasping]
This is-- This is no rag.
This is Santa magic.
[gasping, grunting]
-[magic jingling]
-Oh, yes.
I feel the power,
and it is glorious!
[both laughing]
-[thunder rumbles]
-[sniffs]
What?