The Tick (1994) s02e03 Episode Script

[alarm buzzing.]
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
[man panting.]
[woman.]
Come on.
Move it, Milo! Yes, my love.
Oh, my! Superheroes! Villains, I say to you now, knock off all that evil! Poor, overworked Tick.
It's not easy carrying the weight of the entire city, is it? Just look at those massive shoulders.
All tense and knotted.
The back strained with goodness and decency.
Relax.
Let it go.
[chuckling.]
Oh.
Nice lady.
That's right, come to Venus.
Let Venus lift your burden.
Oh.
Want to go back to warm, safe Tick, no! Ow! [moans softly.]
She's a criminal! Hey, that's right.
I've been her plaything.
Villain love goddess, you toy with the hearts of men.
[both.]
Venus, Venus, we love you.
Here, take some more priceless art.
No! [crying.]
You know, Arthur, there's nothing more cruel than a kindness falsely given.
[man humming to classical music.]
Oh-oh.
- What is it, Tick? - Well, you know Go ahead, dear.
I'll stay and fend them off with my newest invention.
We don't have time for any of your crackpot contraptions.
[knocking.]
- We know you're in there.
- I said put that away.
We are three stories up.
I need you to break my fall.
- [grunts.]
- Whoops.
I'm sorry.
I'll just be out of your way then, ladies.
Weird couple, your crime spree is at an end.
You can open your eyes, Tick.
It's all over.
Heroic work there, Plungerman.
We'll take it from here.
Uh, yeah, no problem.
I'm late as it is.
- Ah, more villains to thwart? - Tick, he's just a plumber.
Plungerman [man.]
Coming on pay-per-view, Sunday night, the supervillain event of the year.
It's the 45th annual Enemy awards.
Brought to you live from an undisclosed location, somewhere deep beneath The City.
It's the only award show honoring the worst achievements of your favorite supervillains.
It's evil.
Guests include Chairface Chippendale, The Terror, Doctor Frightless, Harriet Curse, Octo Raymond and his all mollusk orchestra.
They're the worst.
[Venus.]
Milo, turn that garbage off.
I I don't understand.
The Enemy awards have always been the high point of your year.
[Venus.]
Yes, when I was invited.
But I didn't get an invitation this year, did I, Milo? Oh, I'm sure it was just lost in the mail.
Milo, the only lost male around here is you.
We're outcasts! The fiasco in the ladies room made us a laughingstock, and I blame you! Yes, of course.
And I accept that blame.
In fact, mirabile dictu, I covet that blame.
Oh, shut up.
I've got to do something really terrible to get the attention of the awards committee.
Something so bad, it's good.
[gasping.]
Yes! And I have the perfect plan.
Oh, you always have a plan, don't you, you big minx? [Tick.]
OK, maneuver 14-C.
Catch me! This just isn't working.
I can't fly you.
Nonsense, chum.
Practice makes perfect.
Besides, I'm live-weight.
We've got to develop new maneuvers, stay one step ahead of villainy.
They're out there hatching new schemes, perfecting their fiendish devices.
Oh, when evil sees a twin-headed, Arthur-powered, flying engine of justice barreling down upon it, great will be its trembling! Please, Tick.
I can't do 14-C.
I can barely do 14-B.
OK, places, Arthur.
Let's try it again.
Just think of it.
A city-wide crime spree committed with The Tick at my side.
My willing villainous love slave.
I'll be sure to get an invitation.
I might even win an Enemy! Keep circling the block, Milo.
This is his neighborhood.
He's got to show up sometime.
That was a great one.
I think we caught some lift there.
Let's try a big one this time.
Tick, I can't I can't do it.
Catch me! Arthur? I don't understand.
He's got to be around here somewhere.
I catch me.
Oh, look, Milo.
It's The Tick.
We were just talking about you.
Tick? Now, Tick, you become my love slave.
OK.
Love slave.
[Arthur.]
Tick.
Tick! Hi, Arthur.
Tick, that's Venus.
Don't let her steal your heart.
OK.
Great.
You stop this car right Hey, you splattered my sidekick all over your windshield! That does it! [grunting.]
What does that silly gadget of yours do anyway? Res ipsa loquitur, my creaminess.
- The thing speaks for itself.
- Well, use it! Oh, thank you, my well-lotioned goddess.
You OK, Arthur? Whoa, Arthur.
Whoa! This could be serious.
[chuckling.]
[Venus.]
Bye, boys.
Don't bother waving.
[cackling.]
[clearing throat.]
All right, uh, this is quite a pickle, but no reason to panic, Arthur.
[screams.]
Uh come along, Arthur.
We'll call for assistance.
[screams.]
[dialing tones.]
[phone ringing.]
- It's ringing.
- Great.
[phone ringing.]
[man.]
You've reached the American Maid emergency hotline.
She's out of the country toppling an unauthorized dictatorship.
- Please, leave a message at the tone.
- [beep.]
- [Arthur.]
Help, American Maid! Hello? - [Tick.]
American Maid? Help! [both.]
We lost our arms! We lost our arms! Meet us at the diner.
The diner? I'm all tasted up for a BLT.
You're going to make Mommy very, very infamous, aren't you.
- Well? - Perfect! No one will ever know the difference between our Tick and the real one.
Hey, guys, where are your arms? - We don't want to talk about it.
- Give us a BLT and two sodas.
- With straws? - [man.]
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this live Channel 17 news bulletin.
This is Brian Pinhead with the latest on this fast-breaking story.
Former superheroes, The Tick and Arthur, have joined forces with the evil love goddess Venus and embarked on a terrifying crime spree.
- Tick! That's about us! - Huh? This security video from a jewelry store clearly shows that the once beloved arachnid and his winged sidekick have stepped over the increasingly thin line between hero and villain.
Tick, we're outlaws! And I don't even look like me.
Look, they've got my antennae all wrong.
- [police sirens.]
- Tick! Arthur! We know you're in there.
We don't want to hurt anybody, so just come out with your hands up.
We don't have hands.
We can't possibly comply with their demands.
We'd better make a break for it.
Ah, remember yesterday, Arthur? I'd hand you something, you might hand me something back.
I could scratch my nose, you could scratch your nose.
You could scratch my nose.
I could scratch your nose.
Oh, there was much nose scratching and much rejoicing.
Now look at us.
Listen, Tick.
The papers say that Venus and the robots have been knocking over women's apparel shops all across The City! Oh, great.
Not only are my arms committing crimes, but they're stealing girl stuff.
[grunts.]
[whistles.]
She must be putting together one dynamite outfit.
But what for? Ah! Tick, Venus must be going to the Enemy awards.
Enemy awards? But those are for bad people.
I'm sure we'll find her there.
But only villains know where that is.
[grunts.]
Right.
Let's go find us some villains.
Ha! That's the old Tick! Now, Arthur, when we get to the Evil Eye, I want you to stick close and be careful.
That place is packed with dangerous characters.
And remember, we're unarmed.
Villainous door person, step aside.
Don't make us bite you in hard to reach places.
Tick, Arthur, you crazy nuts.
[chuckling.]
Come on in.
- Hey! - That's Tick! Money, money, money! Hey, welcome to the wild side, Tick.
Hey, very, very good work, boys.
Feels good to be evil, don't it? Hey, I hear you guys are up for an Enemy.
Tick, these guys think we're villains.
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Right.
So listen, that's the thing.
You see, I had this invitation right in my hand, and, well, my arms fell off! [laughs.]
[laughing.]
Yeah.
What are you gonna do? So where is that award ceremony anyway? Wait a second.
Something smells fishy here.
I don't think you guys are villains.
- Oh, no, we're bad.
- Oh, yeah, the worst.
OK.
If you guys are so evil, why don't you just eat this kitten! [meowing.]
What?! No way, mister.
That's just wrong.
Just as I thought.
Get him, boys! [men growling.]
Alrighty, Arthur, this is it.
Maneuver 14-B.
Oh, no.
[Tick.]
Yes! Ha ha! Tremble before the twin-headed, four-legged, that is maneuver 14-B.
We'll take that kitten, you wretch! [meowing.]
How dare you! I knew evil was bad, but come on! Eating kittens is just plain plain wrong! And no one should do it ever! [meowing.]
Now, where do we find those Enemy awards? [award show music plays.]
Invitations.
Of course, my good man.
We just got them today.
There's a reception in the Atrocity Lounge proceeding the ceremony.
[tires screeching.]
[groaning.]
Here, keep the kitten.
[cat yowls.]
What if there's a dress code? [man.]
So he says to me, "Baby, I'm tired of working for the man!" I says, "Well, then why don't you blow him to bits?" No one gets in without an invitation.
Ooh, but I'm bad, baby.
[hisses.]
One of these days, milkshake, boom! This is gonna be harder than I thought.
- [tapping.]
- That tapping noise Come on, Arthur.
I think I know another way in.
[piano show tune music.]
Citizens of the entertainment community, we need those costumes! Official superhero business.
You kidding? This is my best gig in months! Yeah, amscray, chumps.
"Amscray, chumps"?! [screaming, commotion.]
[man.]
Come on, let's get out of here.
[man.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Academy of Evil is proud to present the 45th annual Enemy awards.
What are you two doing? We're at places! [award show music.]
I think this is a truly frightening moment.
I'm scared too.
I mean, what if we're no good? I've never had tap lessons.
[man.]
And now, please sit back and enjoy the singing, dancing cavalcade of badness, highlighting some of the year's most sinister triumphs from all around the globe! [applause.]
If you're a crook then you're our enemy Be our enemy, friend We love you 'cause we hate you to the end Tick! Just be our enemy [applause.]
Hey.
Hey, I got a call about a toilet overflowing.
Yes.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Right down there.
[man.]
The award for most improved villain of the year goes to - Princess.
- Venus.
[applause.]
That craven love-witch is getting an award, Arthur! We got to get out there! And last, but certainly not least, I'd like to thank my partner in crime, my evil other, The Tick.
[groaning.]
That does it! Ow! [gasping.]
Unhand my my hands, you mechanized menace! You feel very angry, don't you? I understand.
Let me help.
Don't fight it, Tick.
Don't fight it.
Fight it, Tick.
Fight it! Hey, I'm pretty strong.
[cackling.]
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
I just got to go back to the van and get another elbow joint.
- [gasps.]
Plungerman! - Eat floor, robot! Now Just hold on, guys.
Wait a minute! What about all the good times? All the evil we've pummeled, all the kites we've flown.
All the puppy bellies we've scratched, huh? All the fragrant flowers we've picked together from the garden of life.
And don't I let you hold everything? I knew you'd come around.
Get 'em, boys.
Fellas, speak to me! [plumber.]
Hey, buddy.
You need those? Do I ever! [gasps.]
Think you could help my friend here out too? Oh, sure.
No problem.
- Move it, Milo.
- Excuse me a moment, won't you? I don't think so.
There's obviously been a mistake.
I guess there's a kind of honor among thieves after all, huh? Tick, I'm all me again! Come, Arthur.
We've got our arms, now let's go clear our names.
Well, we're sorry for the mix-up, Tick.
Aren't we, fellas? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sorry about that.
- If you say so.
Oh, no, no, gentlemen.
It is we who should be sorry.
Arthur and I have the utmost respect for the law.
Oh, yes, we do.
And we never would run from you had it not been absolutely necessary, and in the service of a greater good.
Ah, you know, Arthur, when evil is afoot and you don't have any arms, you gotta use your head.
And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork.
But when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip, you gotta keep your chin up, and kick some [Arthur.]
Tick! We get the idea.
Well then, sidekick, gimme some of them arms.
Oh, OK.