The Upshaws (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Okay.
Getting into test mode.
What do I need? What do I Mmm.
Pencils. Aha! Test papers.
Candles. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
This one smells smarter.
Gots to have my snuggie!
What Did you stay here again?
My dad said I could stay the night.
Look, based off that question,
that's news to you.
I don't have time for this.
Can I have my blanket back?
Your blanket?
Why didn't you tell me
Kelvin was staying here again last night?
Well, you made it clear
when you keyed my car,
that you knew everything that I do.
But if you want to key his bike,
it's out back too.
That was a week ago.
I said I'm sorry.
That was once.
I'm gonna need more sorrys,
man, before I get done with it.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
When is he going home?
Hey, Kelvin ain't here that much, Regina.
It's been three nights this week, Bennie.
I'm happy to have the kid here.
- All right?
- All right.
But Tasha's taking advantage.
She can't drop him off
anytime she wanna run the streets.
Well, you know how Tasha is.
She's wild and,
you know, Tasha's still young.
And I'm not?
I'm not saying you're not still young,
but she's younger than you.
There's a whole other side
to that Camaro that I didn't key.
Look, you right, baby,
and I'm wrong. Okay?
I'll talk to old-ass Tasha.
Uh-uh. Kelvin is still on the couch, man.
Come on.
Now, I told you, I got my GMAT today.
I can't have extra noise around here.
You know I need it quiet,
Bennie, when I take my test.
That's what they made headphones for.
I mean, damn,
they're gonna let you take it online.
Cheat!
I, for one, would prefer
to pass on my own merits.
Besides, they got
a proctor watching so I can't cheat.
You know what, sweetheart?
That's a you problem.
You know? Yeah.
Handle it like you handled my car.
- Oh, come
- Besides, Kelvin ain't no problem.
- What?
- My bad!
Bennie, I Oh, shit.
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid ♪
All right.
I'm here to watch the kids
while you take your test. You ready?
Ready-ready.
I've got Slim Jims,
Starburst and a gallon of coffee.
I'm good to go.
Yeah, to the bathroom.
Shoot, the Slim Jims alone
will have me at the urgent care.
All right, here.
What's this for?
Anything you don't know,
you write down on these.
I got 'em from the dollar store
so don't write too hard.
I don't cheat.
But you do fail.
- So does no one believe in me?
- We believed in you the first time.
We even made a banner.
You had your chance.
I wasn't ready last time.
Bennie and I were a mess.
He forgive you for keying his car?
Okay, we're still a mess. But I had
all that money stuff hanging over my head.
- He pay you back?
- No! Damn it, Cree. Get out of my head!
Shit, I'm telling you,
this time is gonna be different, okay?
I get to take it in my bedroom,
in my lucky snuggie.
I got this.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Because I am sick of this GMAT shit.
It's too stressful.
The last time, things got so bad
you cursed the whole family out
and called me a whore.
'Cause you was acting like a whore.
But the test made you say it.
For the sake of the family, pass.
Way to take the pressure off, Lucretia.
I wasn't trying to, Regina.
Pass.
So, a whole day together.
Yup.
It's exciting.
Yup.
You like my spread?
It's smoked gouda.
It's my favorite cheese.
I hate cheese. It hurts my stomach.
Makes me fart.
One time, I thought it was a fart
You know what?
We don't even have to eat right now.
Wanna watch a movie? I can stream Frozen.
Frozen? What are you, like, a thousand?
You don't wanna dress up in the costumes?
Do you?
Not now.
Got any games?
Uh, someone left Operation
down in the laundry room,
but all the pieces are missing,
so we already won. Yay!
Or we could just talk. Ask me anything.
Okay.
- So, when you were my mom's boyfriend,
- Mm-hmm.
did you have a boyfriend?
There are games at my parents' house.
Let me just wrap this up.
I don't want my prosciutto to jerky.
- It seems like if you knew you were gay
- Let it sweat. We gotta go.
Where we putting the oily rags?
Where we usually put 'em,
behind the vending machine.
Did you start today?
Hey, here come Davis.
How come ain't no Davis in that car?
Jesus take the wheel?
You know you can't push a car that's on.
No, it's not on. That's the problem.
Well, a problem.
See, it's making a funny noise.
Eating up oil like crazy.
And it veers to the right.
Maybe it's looking
for its final resting place.
Well, I need this solid.
This car's my livelihood
and Mama's on me for rent.
I thought your mama owned that house?
It is what it is.
You gotta help me out, Bennie.
I have to drive Black Uber.
Nobody's paying Uber Black prices
to ride in this raggedy-ass car.
Uh-uh. I didn't say Uber Black.
I said, "Black Uber."
I aim for a select clientele.
I got dashiki seat covers,
cold Sprite, malt liquor and pork rinds.
I got a screen in the back
with Foxy Brown on a loop.
Pam Grier never gets old.
Hey, did you hear about Tyrell's Tune-Ups?
They just got shut down.
Yeah, safety inspection.
That's the third one this month.
And the word out is we're next.
Why they always
got to pick on the little guy?
They ain't there shutting down Pep Boys.
That's because
they in the pocket of Big Muffler.
That reminds me.
My car needs a muffler.
No, the muffler needs a car.
We ain't got time to fix it right now.
We got to get this place right.
- Duck, get the greasy rags.
- Where you want me to put 'em?
Take them down to Tyrell's.
Shit, they closed anyway.
Aren't we too old for mini golf?
Girl, you trippin'. Mini golf is a vibe.
Oh. You going too?
Fine. Regina needs peace and quiet
while she takes her test.
There you are.
Are you ready?
We can't go. I lost my dragon.
Edgar's my class pet.
He's a bearded dragon.
I'm supposed to watch him,
but I guess I'm not doing a great job.
Hold up. There's a lizard in this house?
He's not a lizard.
He's a dragon
and he ran away
when I tried to make him marry my Barbie.
Wait a minute. Your mama let you
bring a lizard in the house?
No, Daddy did.
That jackass.
Your mom has been terrified
of anything that has scales
ever since a lizard got in the house
and she saw Daddy shoot it.
Shouldn't she be afraid of bullets?
Or your daddy?
The mind works how the mind works.
If she sees that thing, it's over.
She's gonna fail for sure.
I can't go through that again.
Mom balled up my picture.
Gross. This is what they look like?
That's what's in there? That's a dinosaur!
Wait, are you scared?
Do I look scared?
A little bit.
Where was the last place you saw him?
- Right where Kelvin's standing.
- Ah! It's on me! I feel like it's on me.
Shut up! Regina's gonna hear you!
Oh, shoot. She probably heard me.
Ooh.
Trying to be slick and shit
with your little trick question.
Ah! Mm-mmm.
Not today.
Oh, GMAT, you can kiss my whole ass.
I'm sorry. My bad.
Uh, Sister Anne, you're a lovely proctor.
Okay. Your mama's good.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna find that lizard,
we're gonna keep our mouths shut
and then we're gonna go
hit balls through a windmill.
Uh-uh. I ain't leaving this chair.
Oh, my God! Something touched me!
This is not a good look.
Hey, what are you doing down here?
Ten-minute break. What's he doing?
We're all playing The Floor Is Lava.
He's the only one that's good.
Get back upstairs.
You throwing off our game.
Hey. If you don't
get your feet off my furniture,
we gonna be playing Your Ass Is Grass.
Honestly, I'm torn.
Get the tools up.
I'm trying to, but this thing won't close.
It's so used to not having tools in it.
Come on, man.
Hurry your ass up. We got an inspection.
I'm not about to get shut down
over no socket wrench.
I went all the way to Tyrell's
and wouldn't you know,
they had chains on the door.
- What'd you bring them back for?
- You can't just throw these anywhere.
It's what they call a "planet hazard."
You'll be what they call "out of a job"
if you don't find
nowhere to put them rags.
That tone's not gonna
make the work go faster.
Bennie!
Get your ass out here!
Duck, light the rags and throw 'em at me.
Oh, so now you want the rags?
Don't call me like I got a warrant.
What are you doing here?
I got your text.
Why you taking my stuff?
This ain't no swap meet.
Consider it child support.
But also I want my child support.
Do y'all got toilet paper in the back?
I like one-ply.
Stop taking my stuff, you project pirate.
You the one who said we needed to talk.
Yeah, that mean call.
Don't come by my job.
You've been leaving Kelvin
at my house too much.
Oh, I'm sorry, Kelvin's daddy.
Don't do that 'cause it's
a pleasure for me to have him,
but you can't leave him
every time you want to run around
with every Tom, Dick and Hobo.
Well, you could've
just told me that in a text.
I'mma kill you.
Look, not that it's any of your business,
but I happen to be in a relationship
with a very good man, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah?
He got a Lexus.
A car. Not a daughter.
Can he pay my child support?
You know what?
My bag full.
Um Kelvin! Let's go! I'm thawing meat!
Kelvin's not here. He's at my house.
Oh! So you can leave him
at your house, but I can't?
Find anything?
A couple of rat traps.
This might solve itself.
I hate rats.
You just full of fears today.
He's not in the driveway.
But I saw the cutest squirrel.
Can I keep him?
Uh-uh. Squirrels carry rabies.
How are you more popular than me?
I don't question it. I just enjoy it.
Oof.
This test has more parts
than an '80s R & B group.
Why are you on my chair?
Yeah, Kelvin. The game's over. Move on.
Why are you down here around people?
With your ankles all exposed?
Water break.
How many breaks do they give you,
and can we get the schedule?
Okay, why are you being all weird?
'Cause that's my move.
If you want to spoil the surprise,
we were making you a cake to celebrate.
That's why he's on the chair.
He's going to put his foot in it.
Aw, you guys. A cake? Aw!
Well, the sprinkles
are up in the top cabinet.
Yeah. Got it. Get the hell out of here.
Dang it. Now we gotta bake a cake.
There he is again.
This scratchy bastard is under the sink.
Let me go up!
He might be slippery.
Maybe we just need to stun him.
Don't hurt him!
It's okay. She'll be very gentle.
But maybe close your eyes.
Ooh. You in trouble now.
That's your ass, dragon.
Oh, yeah. You all man from up there, huh?
I see him!
I think he got away.
Something's on me. Why am I wet?
- What did you just do?
- I thought maybe I could drown him?
Turn the thingy off!
- What's the thingy?
- You know! The thingy!
Hey, we got What the
What's going on with the sink?
- Y'all didn't turn off the valve?
- That's a real word!
And no.
My dragon broke the sink!
Sure it did, baby. Auntie!
You heard the girl!
Her dragon broke the sink!
- That's a real thing?
- It's a very real thing!
I gotta get this dude out of here.
I'll take him to the shop.
Fix the sink, find the lizard
and nobody bothers your mother
until she finishes that test.
Come on. Let's go.
I can't get my shoes wet.
Let's go!
Is the squirrel still out there?
Rags are gone. Don't ask how.
Just say a prayer for the planet.
And my soul.
Guys. It's going down.
Got off the phone with my boy Left Leg.
Inspector's in the neighborhood.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he'll stop at the porn shop first.
He better not.
Otherwise, he gonna find them rags.
- All right, we good.
- Okay.
We've been working all morning.
- This place is tight, baby.
- Yeah.
- Promise me there's no dragons in here!
- What?
Look. Hey, man. Where are you coming from?
Uh You been in my stash?
He ain't high. He's just a mess.
I need some Takis
and a root beer to calm me down.
Thanks to you, the house is in chaos.
Why did you let baby girl
bring home a bearded dragon?
That was real?
I thought she was talking about you.
I didn't know.
Well, it's ruining Regina's test.
I'm pretty sure
you and Regina can handle it.
Y'all handled my car pretty good.
Ghetto-ass Wonder Twins.
Deactivate.
When are you going to shut up about that?
All the shit you do to Regina,
she can't make one mistake?
No, 'cause every time
I make "one mistake,"
y'all run it in the ground.
You know what? Pfft.
Let me get back to the house
so I can make sure
Regina gets a high enough score
to get into grad school,
meet someone on her level
and finally dump your ass.
Get your dumpy ass out of here
and take Kelvin with you.
He can't be here today.
'Cause today, we got an inspection.
An inspection?
Oh, damn. When it rains it pours.
You know what, your son, your problem.
My sister, my problem.
And why is that outlet smoking?
Your face makes it nervous.
Okay. I stopped the water for now,
but we need a real plumber or an ark.
We're cleaning as much as we can.
The other towels are in Mama's bathroom.
- How's it going?
- I think we're doing a good job.
Shit!
I think we missed a spot.
- Auntie, are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Nobody touch me.
- You could have a concussion.
I'm KO.
We have to at least elevate your head.
Girls, go get a pillow.
If we make her too comfortable,
she might fall asleep and that's not good.
- Fine, get her a book.
- What do you like, romance or mystery?
- For her head!
- Oh!
- This is kind of fun.
- Really? You're having fun?
Yeah.
Auntie, did you hear that?
She's having fun with me.
Best day ever.
Go check on your mother.
Make sure she didn't hear anything.
I did not fall gracefully.
I'm sorry. Are you okay, Auntie?
Just go.
Oh, man. What a day.
I'm supposed to be drunk at mini-golf.
He's in here!
Oh, hell no.
Hey, Ma. What you hear?
You breathing hard.
Why you creeping outside my door?
I was saying a prayer
that you pass your test.
Just came upstairs
so I'd be closer to God.
Amen.
Well
He heard you 'cause I passed.
- You passed?
- I passed!
We good! She passed!
Okay, Ma. Look, now, don't freak out,
but Aunt Lucretia's in the kitchen,
but she says she's fine.
Oh, my God. Lucretia!
What happened? Why is she on the floor?
That's where she fell.
Did you crush it?
What? Yeah, but we ain't on that.
No more GMAT?
No.
Good. Get your phone.
You need a plumber and I need a CAT scan.
I found him!
Not my good leg.
- Hey, Kelvin.
- I didn't know you were picking me up.
Your mom's running late
and asked me to swing by.
Hey, any chance
I can drive your Lexus again?
- You gonna wait for me to get in?
- I circled back for you.
Oh, you circled back for me.
That's what you did, huh?
- Your dad in there?
- Yeah.
- Let me tell him we're leaving.
- All right.
Which one of you is Bennie Upshaw?
Oh, that'd be me. Oh!
This is my place. Yeah.
Good to meet you. Noah Yang.
Hey. How you doing?
Uh
I mean, I been waiting on you all day.
Anything?
You wanna check out the bathroom? Or
- No, I'm good.
- Okay. Yeah.
And as you saw,
I got my chairs all lined up.
Then freshened up my magazines.
And it's smelling good in there.
Yeah. Seems like a really nice place.
Yeah. That was easy.
I was about to bribe you.
No, I'm just kidding.
Uh, unless you want me to.
Well, I guess
I can stop pretending to smoke.
And I can go get those oily rags back.
Oh, Lord.
The porn shop's on fire.
Man.
Guess I don't
have to return those tapes I rented.
You still renting porn in 2021?
My girl checks my browser history.
I'm sorry.
I'm just here to pick up Kelvin.
What are you doing with Kelvin?
What part of the inspection is that?
Ah. I think there's some confusion.
I should have introduced myself better.
I'm Tasha's boyfriend. Noah.
She asked me to pick Kelvin up.
She's using you.
Hey, Noah. I got my stuff.
Kelvin, you know this dude?
This my mom's boyfriend.
Why is your mom's boyfriend
picking you up?
Because Mama got time issues.
Yes, she does.
Y'all got inside jokes?
Yeah, well, since you driving him,
make sure he's in a car seat.
He's a teenager.
Yeah, I know.
We got inside jokes. Right, son?
We've never done that, ever.
Yeah, okay, well, we doing it now, okay?
Laugh, son.
Laugh.
Well, I'm parked
really close to that porn fire.
So, if we're cool here,
we should head out.
You cool, Kelvin?
Yeah. I'll see you later.
Hey, you want to stop by our burger place?
- Chili cheese time?
- Yes, sir. Come on.
Boom!
Make sure you're wearing your seat belt!
It's your father talking!
I'm your father!
They got a boop and everything.
You see that?
That's good to see, man.
A boy needs a good role model in his life.
Shut up, Davis,
with your terrible-ass life.
- And this raggedy-ass car!
- Hey!
Oh, man! Look what you did!
Damn!
Damn!
INSafe! Surprise inspection time.
Ain't that a bitch?
Oh, my knee!
Oh, my back!
Oh, my knee and my back!
Nothing wrong with this outlet.
I'm just smoking.
Smoking in a garage,
faulty outlet
and that man's making oil angels.
No, I'm trying to get up!
You all fail on many levels.
Is it too late to bribe you?