The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s02e03 Episode Script
Celebrity Vicar
Right.
We've a lot to get through tonight, so can I ask you all NOT to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings? Good idea.
You're the boss.
Excellent! Ready, Frank? Absolutely.
Bravo! Point one - the gala night.
I thought St Valentine's Day, with profits going to the upkeep of the village hall.
Happy with that, Jim? Yes.
Marvellous.
'Father?' Later, Hugo.
I didn't say anything.
What do you mean? 'Father? Father?' Oh, no! It's a dream, isn't it? Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.
Father? Father? Time for the council meeting.
Oh, God.
Highlight of the week.
You're the saddest person in the kingdomincluding Rolf Harris.
Right, we've a lot to get through tonight.
.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything? No, we'd just started.
I was saying Is there a lot to get through tonight? Yes there is Can we try to do it without all the distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings? Quite.
Good point Vicar.
The way I see it, a slightly firmer hand on the rudder might get us finished quicker.
Do you want to take a vote on that? -On what? On the proposition by the vicar, seconded by Mr Newitt - That there should be 'a slightly firmer hand on the rudder' Of course we don't want to take a vote on it! Right All those in favour of not voting? That's one.
All those in favour of a vote? Carried overwhelmingly.
For god sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we want to avoid! O, well, I thought you meant the kind of thing, like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle and I think you're talking about Owen's kettle.
And I say, "I'll lend him mine "BUT, it's fused at the moment.
" Yes.
Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying too.
Moving on Your kettle really not working, Jim? Yes It's absolutely knackered.
I'll lend you mine at a very reasonable price.
Stop it right there! Point one The date of the gala night.
I thought Valentine's Day - February 14th.
Yeah, sounds fine to me.
Thank God for that! So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the cattle show.
Oh, are we having a KETTLE show? Very well.
February 15th.
Old folks' Valentine dinner.
16th.
Old folks' Valentine dinner.
I thought that was the 15th! Yes, but so many of the old dears forget the first one, we always have another the nex day.
Very well, then, the 17th Old folks' Valentine dinner.
A third one?! No, just teasing.
Gotcha! Very well, the 17th it is.
Yep! So long as you don't mind us missing Hugo's wedding.
I do hate you all very deeply.
Right, so that's settled.
Valentine gala night is on November 23rd.
Anything else? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No No.
Very well.
Item two Oh! There was just one other thing.
I don't think I can make November 23rd.
Oh, God help me.
Sorry.
I've just checked my diary.
Actually, your original suggestion of Valentine's Day IS in fact fine.
Becouse the cattle show is the week before.
Silly me.
Sorry.
Moving on We can at least agree the money will go to the upkeep of the hall.
No! No.
.
Can't it go to something we feel passionate about? Yes! Like what for instance? -Ulrika Jonsson.
Jim and I are very passionate about her.
She can climb on my "Travelator" any old time.
No, Jim.
I was thinking more of a village nursery.
I just think It's very important to get the toddlers interested in reading and writing when they're very young.
Oh, what Nonsense! I had a charming farm hand for years who couldn't read a single word.
It never did him any harm.
A part for that time he couldn't read the sign - saying "Caution! Faulty Chain Saw.
" It cut off his nose and one of his hands.
Dad had to go to court and -The nursery it is! Hello! Alice.
One second, please, caller.
.
.
Yeah? Could you please let me answer my own phone? I'm sorry.
.
.
Sorry.
I didn't mean hang up! Oh, sorry! Oh, no, they've gone.
Of course they've gone! Because you hung up.
Leave it! Hello, Geraldine Granger here.
.
.
Right.
.
.
It's for you.
Hello! Oh.
.
Yeah, yeah, right, yeah! I'll be straight home.
Bye! That was just my mum reminding me Sister Wendy's on.
She's lovely don't you think! Yes, she reminds me of Ken Dodd.
I do sometimes wonder what the hell she thinks she's doing on TV, pointing at the knobs on statues.
"Good Lord, that's nice, isn't it?" People don't feel they exist unless they're on TV or in the papers.
Hello, vicarage! .
.
Right.
.
.
Right.
(What?!) .
.
Right, I'll ask her.
It's 'The Times of London', and they heard you on Radio Dibley.
and wonder if they can do a feature on you.
No! No! The answer is no! I am a vicar.
I am NOT a celebrity.
They'd pay you 500 quid.
Yes! Yes! An unequivocal yes.
Item six, the Gala night, Idea's for content?? No-no, y-yes! I saw this film the other night.
.
'The Full Monty' You get some music, I'll take all my clothes off.
And that would be entertaining, would it? To be sure they'd get their money's worth, I'm taking off my truss and everything.
Good idea.
I'm intending to do my impression, sir.
"How do? How are you diddling?" And who's that? My grandfather.
Right.
Owen.
.
, any ideas? Well, I might be able to talk the duck into a return performance.
Oh.
.
! I-I did have one idea, but it's in the formative stages.
I suppose I could give it a dry run.
Yes! Fire away, Hugo.
Well I come on stage in some sort of costume.
Mmm.
Haven't quite decided what.
Mmm.
And? Well, no, that's as far as I've got.
It's very much in the early stages of development.
Yes, wellyes.
Well.
Very good, Hugo.
Thanks.
I can't deny, I'm pretty excited.
Yes.
Any other business? There certainly is! I'd like to congratulate the vicar on her feature in The Times.
Hear! Hear! Oh, thank you, Frank.
I like The Times.
Yeah.
It's not too rough on the buttocks.
I should have to say it was very good fun, and they did give me 500 QUID towards the nursery.
I say.
.
500! Don't worry, my media career stops here.
My place is in the pulpit, not in the papers.
Hello.
Dibley vicarage.
Can I help you? .
.
Oh, I'll ask her, but I'm afraid she's gonna say no, her media career is over.
Who is it? The people from Terry Wogan's Pause For Thought.
They read your article and like you to come over.
-Oh! Um AhI No No, wait, wait,! Um It would be quite good.
Umum No, wait, wait, wait! It would be really good.
I'm, you know, doing this Go on, then! Hello! Geraldine Granger here.
.
.
Thanks! .
.
Yeah, thanks.
When would you want me? .
.
Tomorrow morning? Good Lord.
Somebody dropped out? .
.
Dropped dead? Oh, dear.
Right,.
.
Well, that in itself gives one Pause For Thought, doesn't it? Ha-ha-ha! You see?! Ha-ha-ha .
.
Yes, OK.
Thanks very much.
And big, licky love to Tezza.
Thank you.
"Pause For Thought", "Pause For Thought" I thought you weren't going to do any more of that.
Really? What gave you that idea? Hello.
Hi, Hugie.
Hello, Hugo! Guess who's going on Terry Wogan's show tomorrow? Terry Wogan No, apart from Terry Wogan.
-Pa-pa-pa-.
Don't know.
All right, a clue - only your favourite vicar.
Ha-ha-ha! Archbishop Tutu's going on Wogan? No, me, me, me! I'm doing Pause For Thought on Terry Wogan's show.
Oh, by the way, just in case you haven't got a thought I have.
.
.
I've got quite a good one.
Right.
I was thinking, wouldn't it be lovely if some kittens were actually born with pink fur? So you didn't have to paint them pink yourself.
Yeah.
Thanks for that.
That's all right.
Just imagine it.
Tomorrow morning, me and Tezza, face to face.
"Bejabers and top of the mornin' to you, Geraldine.
" -Is Terry Welsh there? Beam me up, Scotty.
# .
.
Love letters straight from your heart # '.
.
The pleasing baritone of Alison Moyet.
Now, let's Pause For Thought.
'Today, it's a she-vicar - Geraldine Granger.
' 'Hello, Terry.
' 'What's your keen brain been working on?' 'Well, a cause very close to my heart is nursery schools.
'I mean, surely everyone should be able to read and write.
'Except Edwina Currie, of course.
'i mean, if she writes another novel, we should lop her arms off immediately.
' Ha-ha-ha! Slippery slope, I tell you.
Slippery slope.
Oh, sorry.
That's all right, No harm done.
Wait a minute.
.
Wait a cotton-picking, tutu-wearing minute.
It's Darcey Bussell.
-That's right.
This is very, very exciting! It's Darcey Bussell! You know, plie, plie, bun, plie.
You are my most favourite dancer in the entire world.
Thank you.
I actually very nearly became a ballerina myself.
You can probably tell by my decolletage.
Just my ballet teacher said that unfortunately my ankle was too bendy.
Thousands of us in the Church all started off as dancers.
Terry Waite, for example.
He spent the first 20 years of his life in pink tights.
This is Alice.
Ignore her.
Oh So, Darcey Bussell! What are you doing here? I've been doing Pause For Thought.
I heard it in the car, it was brilliant.
Thank you! If there's ever anything I can do in getting the nursery, please count me in.
You're sickening, aren't you? The best dancer in the universe AND a lovely personality as well.
You don't mind me calling you Darcey? No no, not at all.
And you can call me D'Geraldine, if you like! It's a little joke! Excuse me.
Could I have your autograph? What? I heard you on Terry and I thought you were absolutely brilliant.
Um Wells'pose I'll have to get used to this sort of thing.
The price of fame, eh? Won't be a sec, Carol.
I'm just getting Alison Moyet's autograph.
Goodbye.
Actually she's not Shut it! AlisonMoy-et.
You wouldn't just sing a song for me, would you? No, not today.
I've completely lost my voice you see.
- Item two, Jim.
- I'd like to congratulate the vicar on her performance on 'Pause For Thought'.
Here, here! - And Any Questions.
- And Countdown.
And Noel's Houseparty.
Oh, stop, stop, stop! Noel wants to make Find The Vicar's Knickers a regular slot.
Amazing! Let's move on to the gala.
Any progress there, Or is the climax of our show still Owen and his amazing farting duck? Hugo, has your idea developed a little since your first workshop did here last week? Well, yes.
.
I had a bit of a breakthrough Take us from the top.
-I'm wearing, just what I'm wearing now I come out on stage.
.
I see So your quantum leap, is that you decided on you costume? That's right, ceep it pure.
And the content? Still working on it I'm thinking, something profound, something possible very deep And why not.
.
And what news on tickets, Frank? Tickets aren't going too well.
Not sold out? Not sold any.
But don't panic.
It could be worse.
What's worse than not selling any tickets at all? Selling one ticket.
But selling it to a serial killer.
No, no, no.
That's right.
Who comes on the stage and slits all our throats.
And then leaves us all in a great pool of blood.
Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address? Don't worry, everybody.
Rev to the rescue as usual.
I'm doing rather an important spread for one of the Sunday papes.
I'll mentch our little show and we'll get loads of peeps in.
Bravo! I thought you said no more media.
Yes, I did, and this is positively my last.
Apart from the photo shoot for Vogueand Loaded.
And What Car? I hope you know what you're doing.
Yes, thank you, David.
I think I do.
How did the interview go? Well, I think I grooved.
What Im talking about, "I think?" -I was a total triumph! The journalist is coming to speak to people about -SAINT Geraldine of Dibley.
Yes, that IS the headline.
Yeah.
.
I tell you, kids, if I don't watch out, Im going to turn into the most famous religious personality in the country.
More famous than Jesus? No, not as famous as Jesus, obviously.
He's had longer to work on his act.
But as for Sister Wendy - out of the pool, tooth-girl! Oh! I love the way you're famous, but you haven't changed at all! Morning, vicar.
I-I got the paper.
Oh-h! Exciting! My moment of glory.
What's it like? What's it like? Well, it's not exactly what I expected.
Oh, my God knows how this happened.
What's the story, Frank? Well, he asked for crazy anecdotes about you, and I told him about the service for animals, and you dressing up as an Easter bunny.
Right.
And he waited while I double-checked the dates and tried to get all the details right, and then he wrote this.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, and Hugo I'm don't think they meant to be rude.
Well, you cant deny it's a possibility? Im damn shure they meant to be rude about me And me! I told you it would all end in tears.
You've put yourself above your own community.
You've forgotten why you came here.
Frankly, we feel used and we feel betrayed.
Have you anything to say? Well, let's move on, shall we? It's a sad day.
Oh, Alice, I've been such a fool.
How am I ever going to sort this mess out? Well, I do have one idea that I think just might work.
Really? Mm-mm.
Let's hear it, then.
There was this man on TV and his girlfriend was quite ill.
In fact, she was dead.
What he did was It was quite clever, really.
.
.
he flew up into outer space and he flew round the world so quickly that he made time go backwards, so the girl actually got better again, and I thought maybe you could do the same thing, um make everyone like you again.
This man was he called Superman? Yes.
Yeah.
I don't think that idea's going to work, Alice.
Oh-h.
Well, it's plan B, then.
Which is? Quite clever.
Mm-mm? You kill yourself.
.
.
Right.
And then everyone will say, "That's a pity.
.
I quite liked her, actually.
" Anything else, a little less final? Well, there's always plan C, which is my personal favourite.
It all takes place, on the night of the gala.
Wait for it, wait for it! And now an impression of my second cousin, Wilfred.
Hello, Frank.
I'm going to have my tonsils out.
I've got my shotgun in the van.
-Load both barrels.
And now an impression of my second cousin, Wilfred, after he had his tonsils out.
Hello, Frank.
I've had my tonsils out.
Get a move on, you strange and insane idiot! Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce, raising money for the nursery, our star guest, in a unique performance entitled The Mirror, the star of the Royal Ballet, Miss Darcey Bussell.
Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side? I always make a wish when I look at the stars.
Do you?.
.
-Yeah.
.
What do you wish for?.
.
Watch that day with repeats of Teletubbies.
-Oh, good call.
Anything else? Well, Sunday repeats of Teletubbies.
.
.
Part from Teletubbies, anything else? Oh, well, you know.
.
I always make a wish about, Hugo and me and happiness.
He is the most wonderful man in the world is't he.
He was rather remarkable tonight.
He was, wasn't he.
.
And finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, with an item he had simply named.
.
"Item" Here is Mr Hugo Horton.
Hm, hm.
It's a week today till I get married.
And today is Valentines day, so I just whant to say a few words, by the Everly Brothers, for lovers everywhare and particularly to the woman I love.
I bless the day I found you, I whant my arms around you.
Now and forever, let it be me.
So never leave me lonely, say you love me, .
.
only, and that you always, let it be me.
.
Oh, nice! So, what do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower? I don't know.
What DO you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower? Shredded tweet.
So the budgie's dead? Yes, I should think so.
It's shredded tweet.
Poor little thing! It didn't even see the lawnmower coming.
How could it know that death was just round the corner? Alice, look, I'm not going to tell you these jokes anymore if you keep on responding like this.
It's not a real budgie, okey.
It's not a real lawnmower.
It's just a joke.
So the budgie's not dead? No, it never got born.
Never got born? -No.
Poor little thing! Oh, so much beauty, so much potential, it never got born.
Never saw the light of the sun, or felt the gentle rustle of the breeze through its feathers.
Never went, "Twiggle, twiggle, twiggle, give me my cuddle, please.
" Get out now! Go on, GET OUT!
We've a lot to get through tonight, so can I ask you all NOT to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings? Good idea.
You're the boss.
Excellent! Ready, Frank? Absolutely.
Bravo! Point one - the gala night.
I thought St Valentine's Day, with profits going to the upkeep of the village hall.
Happy with that, Jim? Yes.
Marvellous.
'Father?' Later, Hugo.
I didn't say anything.
What do you mean? 'Father? Father?' Oh, no! It's a dream, isn't it? Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.
Father? Father? Time for the council meeting.
Oh, God.
Highlight of the week.
You're the saddest person in the kingdomincluding Rolf Harris.
Right, we've a lot to get through tonight.
.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything? No, we'd just started.
I was saying Is there a lot to get through tonight? Yes there is Can we try to do it without all the distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings? Quite.
Good point Vicar.
The way I see it, a slightly firmer hand on the rudder might get us finished quicker.
Do you want to take a vote on that? -On what? On the proposition by the vicar, seconded by Mr Newitt - That there should be 'a slightly firmer hand on the rudder' Of course we don't want to take a vote on it! Right All those in favour of not voting? That's one.
All those in favour of a vote? Carried overwhelmingly.
For god sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we want to avoid! O, well, I thought you meant the kind of thing, like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle and I think you're talking about Owen's kettle.
And I say, "I'll lend him mine "BUT, it's fused at the moment.
" Yes.
Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying too.
Moving on Your kettle really not working, Jim? Yes It's absolutely knackered.
I'll lend you mine at a very reasonable price.
Stop it right there! Point one The date of the gala night.
I thought Valentine's Day - February 14th.
Yeah, sounds fine to me.
Thank God for that! So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the cattle show.
Oh, are we having a KETTLE show? Very well.
February 15th.
Old folks' Valentine dinner.
16th.
Old folks' Valentine dinner.
I thought that was the 15th! Yes, but so many of the old dears forget the first one, we always have another the nex day.
Very well, then, the 17th Old folks' Valentine dinner.
A third one?! No, just teasing.
Gotcha! Very well, the 17th it is.
Yep! So long as you don't mind us missing Hugo's wedding.
I do hate you all very deeply.
Right, so that's settled.
Valentine gala night is on November 23rd.
Anything else? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No No.
Very well.
Item two Oh! There was just one other thing.
I don't think I can make November 23rd.
Oh, God help me.
Sorry.
I've just checked my diary.
Actually, your original suggestion of Valentine's Day IS in fact fine.
Becouse the cattle show is the week before.
Silly me.
Sorry.
Moving on We can at least agree the money will go to the upkeep of the hall.
No! No.
.
Can't it go to something we feel passionate about? Yes! Like what for instance? -Ulrika Jonsson.
Jim and I are very passionate about her.
She can climb on my "Travelator" any old time.
No, Jim.
I was thinking more of a village nursery.
I just think It's very important to get the toddlers interested in reading and writing when they're very young.
Oh, what Nonsense! I had a charming farm hand for years who couldn't read a single word.
It never did him any harm.
A part for that time he couldn't read the sign - saying "Caution! Faulty Chain Saw.
" It cut off his nose and one of his hands.
Dad had to go to court and -The nursery it is! Hello! Alice.
One second, please, caller.
.
.
Yeah? Could you please let me answer my own phone? I'm sorry.
.
.
Sorry.
I didn't mean hang up! Oh, sorry! Oh, no, they've gone.
Of course they've gone! Because you hung up.
Leave it! Hello, Geraldine Granger here.
.
.
Right.
.
.
It's for you.
Hello! Oh.
.
Yeah, yeah, right, yeah! I'll be straight home.
Bye! That was just my mum reminding me Sister Wendy's on.
She's lovely don't you think! Yes, she reminds me of Ken Dodd.
I do sometimes wonder what the hell she thinks she's doing on TV, pointing at the knobs on statues.
"Good Lord, that's nice, isn't it?" People don't feel they exist unless they're on TV or in the papers.
Hello, vicarage! .
.
Right.
.
.
Right.
(What?!) .
.
Right, I'll ask her.
It's 'The Times of London', and they heard you on Radio Dibley.
and wonder if they can do a feature on you.
No! No! The answer is no! I am a vicar.
I am NOT a celebrity.
They'd pay you 500 quid.
Yes! Yes! An unequivocal yes.
Item six, the Gala night, Idea's for content?? No-no, y-yes! I saw this film the other night.
.
'The Full Monty' You get some music, I'll take all my clothes off.
And that would be entertaining, would it? To be sure they'd get their money's worth, I'm taking off my truss and everything.
Good idea.
I'm intending to do my impression, sir.
"How do? How are you diddling?" And who's that? My grandfather.
Right.
Owen.
.
, any ideas? Well, I might be able to talk the duck into a return performance.
Oh.
.
! I-I did have one idea, but it's in the formative stages.
I suppose I could give it a dry run.
Yes! Fire away, Hugo.
Well I come on stage in some sort of costume.
Mmm.
Haven't quite decided what.
Mmm.
And? Well, no, that's as far as I've got.
It's very much in the early stages of development.
Yes, wellyes.
Well.
Very good, Hugo.
Thanks.
I can't deny, I'm pretty excited.
Yes.
Any other business? There certainly is! I'd like to congratulate the vicar on her feature in The Times.
Hear! Hear! Oh, thank you, Frank.
I like The Times.
Yeah.
It's not too rough on the buttocks.
I should have to say it was very good fun, and they did give me 500 QUID towards the nursery.
I say.
.
500! Don't worry, my media career stops here.
My place is in the pulpit, not in the papers.
Hello.
Dibley vicarage.
Can I help you? .
.
Oh, I'll ask her, but I'm afraid she's gonna say no, her media career is over.
Who is it? The people from Terry Wogan's Pause For Thought.
They read your article and like you to come over.
-Oh! Um AhI No No, wait, wait,! Um It would be quite good.
Umum No, wait, wait, wait! It would be really good.
I'm, you know, doing this Go on, then! Hello! Geraldine Granger here.
.
.
Thanks! .
.
Yeah, thanks.
When would you want me? .
.
Tomorrow morning? Good Lord.
Somebody dropped out? .
.
Dropped dead? Oh, dear.
Right,.
.
Well, that in itself gives one Pause For Thought, doesn't it? Ha-ha-ha! You see?! Ha-ha-ha .
.
Yes, OK.
Thanks very much.
And big, licky love to Tezza.
Thank you.
"Pause For Thought", "Pause For Thought" I thought you weren't going to do any more of that.
Really? What gave you that idea? Hello.
Hi, Hugie.
Hello, Hugo! Guess who's going on Terry Wogan's show tomorrow? Terry Wogan No, apart from Terry Wogan.
-Pa-pa-pa-.
Don't know.
All right, a clue - only your favourite vicar.
Ha-ha-ha! Archbishop Tutu's going on Wogan? No, me, me, me! I'm doing Pause For Thought on Terry Wogan's show.
Oh, by the way, just in case you haven't got a thought I have.
.
.
I've got quite a good one.
Right.
I was thinking, wouldn't it be lovely if some kittens were actually born with pink fur? So you didn't have to paint them pink yourself.
Yeah.
Thanks for that.
That's all right.
Just imagine it.
Tomorrow morning, me and Tezza, face to face.
"Bejabers and top of the mornin' to you, Geraldine.
" -Is Terry Welsh there? Beam me up, Scotty.
# .
.
Love letters straight from your heart # '.
.
The pleasing baritone of Alison Moyet.
Now, let's Pause For Thought.
'Today, it's a she-vicar - Geraldine Granger.
' 'Hello, Terry.
' 'What's your keen brain been working on?' 'Well, a cause very close to my heart is nursery schools.
'I mean, surely everyone should be able to read and write.
'Except Edwina Currie, of course.
'i mean, if she writes another novel, we should lop her arms off immediately.
' Ha-ha-ha! Slippery slope, I tell you.
Slippery slope.
Oh, sorry.
That's all right, No harm done.
Wait a minute.
.
Wait a cotton-picking, tutu-wearing minute.
It's Darcey Bussell.
-That's right.
This is very, very exciting! It's Darcey Bussell! You know, plie, plie, bun, plie.
You are my most favourite dancer in the entire world.
Thank you.
I actually very nearly became a ballerina myself.
You can probably tell by my decolletage.
Just my ballet teacher said that unfortunately my ankle was too bendy.
Thousands of us in the Church all started off as dancers.
Terry Waite, for example.
He spent the first 20 years of his life in pink tights.
This is Alice.
Ignore her.
Oh So, Darcey Bussell! What are you doing here? I've been doing Pause For Thought.
I heard it in the car, it was brilliant.
Thank you! If there's ever anything I can do in getting the nursery, please count me in.
You're sickening, aren't you? The best dancer in the universe AND a lovely personality as well.
You don't mind me calling you Darcey? No no, not at all.
And you can call me D'Geraldine, if you like! It's a little joke! Excuse me.
Could I have your autograph? What? I heard you on Terry and I thought you were absolutely brilliant.
Um Wells'pose I'll have to get used to this sort of thing.
The price of fame, eh? Won't be a sec, Carol.
I'm just getting Alison Moyet's autograph.
Goodbye.
Actually she's not Shut it! AlisonMoy-et.
You wouldn't just sing a song for me, would you? No, not today.
I've completely lost my voice you see.
- Item two, Jim.
- I'd like to congratulate the vicar on her performance on 'Pause For Thought'.
Here, here! - And Any Questions.
- And Countdown.
And Noel's Houseparty.
Oh, stop, stop, stop! Noel wants to make Find The Vicar's Knickers a regular slot.
Amazing! Let's move on to the gala.
Any progress there, Or is the climax of our show still Owen and his amazing farting duck? Hugo, has your idea developed a little since your first workshop did here last week? Well, yes.
.
I had a bit of a breakthrough Take us from the top.
-I'm wearing, just what I'm wearing now I come out on stage.
.
I see So your quantum leap, is that you decided on you costume? That's right, ceep it pure.
And the content? Still working on it I'm thinking, something profound, something possible very deep And why not.
.
And what news on tickets, Frank? Tickets aren't going too well.
Not sold out? Not sold any.
But don't panic.
It could be worse.
What's worse than not selling any tickets at all? Selling one ticket.
But selling it to a serial killer.
No, no, no.
That's right.
Who comes on the stage and slits all our throats.
And then leaves us all in a great pool of blood.
Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address? Don't worry, everybody.
Rev to the rescue as usual.
I'm doing rather an important spread for one of the Sunday papes.
I'll mentch our little show and we'll get loads of peeps in.
Bravo! I thought you said no more media.
Yes, I did, and this is positively my last.
Apart from the photo shoot for Vogueand Loaded.
And What Car? I hope you know what you're doing.
Yes, thank you, David.
I think I do.
How did the interview go? Well, I think I grooved.
What Im talking about, "I think?" -I was a total triumph! The journalist is coming to speak to people about -SAINT Geraldine of Dibley.
Yes, that IS the headline.
Yeah.
.
I tell you, kids, if I don't watch out, Im going to turn into the most famous religious personality in the country.
More famous than Jesus? No, not as famous as Jesus, obviously.
He's had longer to work on his act.
But as for Sister Wendy - out of the pool, tooth-girl! Oh! I love the way you're famous, but you haven't changed at all! Morning, vicar.
I-I got the paper.
Oh-h! Exciting! My moment of glory.
What's it like? What's it like? Well, it's not exactly what I expected.
Oh, my God knows how this happened.
What's the story, Frank? Well, he asked for crazy anecdotes about you, and I told him about the service for animals, and you dressing up as an Easter bunny.
Right.
And he waited while I double-checked the dates and tried to get all the details right, and then he wrote this.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, and Hugo I'm don't think they meant to be rude.
Well, you cant deny it's a possibility? Im damn shure they meant to be rude about me And me! I told you it would all end in tears.
You've put yourself above your own community.
You've forgotten why you came here.
Frankly, we feel used and we feel betrayed.
Have you anything to say? Well, let's move on, shall we? It's a sad day.
Oh, Alice, I've been such a fool.
How am I ever going to sort this mess out? Well, I do have one idea that I think just might work.
Really? Mm-mm.
Let's hear it, then.
There was this man on TV and his girlfriend was quite ill.
In fact, she was dead.
What he did was It was quite clever, really.
.
.
he flew up into outer space and he flew round the world so quickly that he made time go backwards, so the girl actually got better again, and I thought maybe you could do the same thing, um make everyone like you again.
This man was he called Superman? Yes.
Yeah.
I don't think that idea's going to work, Alice.
Oh-h.
Well, it's plan B, then.
Which is? Quite clever.
Mm-mm? You kill yourself.
.
.
Right.
And then everyone will say, "That's a pity.
.
I quite liked her, actually.
" Anything else, a little less final? Well, there's always plan C, which is my personal favourite.
It all takes place, on the night of the gala.
Wait for it, wait for it! And now an impression of my second cousin, Wilfred.
Hello, Frank.
I'm going to have my tonsils out.
I've got my shotgun in the van.
-Load both barrels.
And now an impression of my second cousin, Wilfred, after he had his tonsils out.
Hello, Frank.
I've had my tonsils out.
Get a move on, you strange and insane idiot! Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce, raising money for the nursery, our star guest, in a unique performance entitled The Mirror, the star of the Royal Ballet, Miss Darcey Bussell.
Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side? I always make a wish when I look at the stars.
Do you?.
.
-Yeah.
.
What do you wish for?.
.
Watch that day with repeats of Teletubbies.
-Oh, good call.
Anything else? Well, Sunday repeats of Teletubbies.
.
.
Part from Teletubbies, anything else? Oh, well, you know.
.
I always make a wish about, Hugo and me and happiness.
He is the most wonderful man in the world is't he.
He was rather remarkable tonight.
He was, wasn't he.
.
And finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, with an item he had simply named.
.
"Item" Here is Mr Hugo Horton.
Hm, hm.
It's a week today till I get married.
And today is Valentines day, so I just whant to say a few words, by the Everly Brothers, for lovers everywhare and particularly to the woman I love.
I bless the day I found you, I whant my arms around you.
Now and forever, let it be me.
So never leave me lonely, say you love me, .
.
only, and that you always, let it be me.
.
Oh, nice! So, what do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower? I don't know.
What DO you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower? Shredded tweet.
So the budgie's dead? Yes, I should think so.
It's shredded tweet.
Poor little thing! It didn't even see the lawnmower coming.
How could it know that death was just round the corner? Alice, look, I'm not going to tell you these jokes anymore if you keep on responding like this.
It's not a real budgie, okey.
It's not a real lawnmower.
It's just a joke.
So the budgie's not dead? No, it never got born.
Never got born? -No.
Poor little thing! Oh, so much beauty, so much potential, it never got born.
Never saw the light of the sun, or felt the gentle rustle of the breeze through its feathers.
Never went, "Twiggle, twiggle, twiggle, give me my cuddle, please.
" Get out now! Go on, GET OUT!