The War at Home s02e03 Episode Script

What? Nothing.
Good.
What? Kenny's dad promised to take usto the big comic book convention in Philadelphia this weekend, but then,at the last minute, he canceled.
You see,that's why I never promise my kids anything.
Huh? If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed.
It also applies to wives and foreplay.
I've been looking forward to this all year.
They're gonna have a million booths with comics and graphic novels -Really? -Yeah.
And-and they're going to have all these great special guests, like the cast of Galactic Sojourn.
Wow.
Galactic Sojourn, huh? Yeah,and they're gonna have all these great movies and Japanese anime and a big masquerade ball.
Are you serious? A masquerade ball.
That's cool.
I know! But,but now, all of a sudden, we can't go unless we can find s omeone else to take us.
Good luck with that.
Hey.
You're not doing anything this weekend.
Why can't you just take him? Oh,great,you're on his side? You know,when I said I wanted to be double-teamed, that's not what I meant.
Besides,you know, I got the Jets game this weekend.
Oh,yeah? What position are you playing? Quarterback? Halfback? Sit your ass on the couch, drink too much beer till you fall asleep" back? Yep.
Same position I played in college.
Besides, it's a five-hour car ride to Philly.
I mean,Larry and I have nothing to talk about at home.
I mean,you expect us to take that act on the road to Geekapalooza? Yeah.
You know what,honey? This would be a great opportunity for you.
Opportunity for what? Oh,I don't know.
Maybe to be a good father.
To bond with your son.
Yeah.
What else you got? Come on with the "good father" crap already.
I mean,when are we gonna be done? You know what? Fine.
I don't want Larry to be disappointed so I'm going to take him to Philadelphia myself.
See? I knew we'd figure something out,baby.
You're the best.
And you know what? When I'm there, I guess I could reconnect with my old boyfriend,Blake Newman.
You know,he's a prominent attorney,and now, recent | | divorced.
Actually,he drives a cab nd just came out of the closet, but I don't want to go to the stupid comic book thing either.
-Oh,Blake Newman,huh? -That's right.
Well,in that case,uh give him my best.
Ha! Sucka! All right,all right, get that puss off your face.
Everything's worked out, you're going to the convention.
-You're taking me to the comic convention? -Well,see I told Kenny I would ask you, but I never thought you would actually do it.
I can't believe you actually came through for me.
-Well,what's gonna happen -Thanks,Dad.
You're my hero.
What you think? I was going to disappoint you? Come on,I was always going to take you,you silly,you.
father-and-son weekend.
Hootowa! Hoo-what now? That's the battle cry from Galactic Sojourn.
I gotta go tell Kenny! Hootowa! What the hell was that about? You know what? I thought about it and I decid yes, this'll be a good opportunity for me to do something nice for Larry-- and not because you said anything, but because he's a good kid and he deserves it.
So I'm gonna take him to the comic book convention.
Oh,honey, that is great.
Ha-ha! I knew that Blake Newman thing would get to him.
I still got it.
I got a little more of it than I uued to, but it's still kind of all in the right places.
What is this? Motel Six by six? Who made these reservations? My dad.
Yeah,now we know why he canceled at the last minute.
Mary and Joseph wouldn't have taken this room.
So,which bed is Ynnek going to sleep in? Whichever one Yrral doesn't want.
Uh-uh-uh.
E-neck? E-rall? Come on.
There's barely room for the three of us.
You're not going to have any of your sci-fi buddies crash here,right? What's so funny? We're Yrral and Ynnek.
Those are our names.
Backwards.
We're using them all weekend.
Oh,yeah? So,uh,what are you planning on calling me? Dad.
Because "Dad" spelled backwards is? Dad! Hey,uh,but,you know, there's only two beds.
I guess two of us are gonna have to share.
So how are we gonna work this? proudly presents Season 02 Episode 03 Psst.
Dad.
Dad.
What? What the hell? Time to get up.
Ohh.
What are you wearing? Our costumes.
We don't want to look stupid when we show up at the convention.
Don't worry-- we have something for you to wear,too.
Me? What do I have to wear a costume for? You can't go dressed like that.
By the way Peek-a-boo.
* I see you.
* Wait a second.
Wait,so I have to wear a costume to drive you to the Convention Center and drop you off in the parking lot? Drop us off? What are you talking about? You said you were taking me to the comic book convention.
I am taking you.
Then I'm coming right back here, checking out the cable porn, then watching the Jets game.
And then when it's over, I'm gonna come pick you up.
W-what kind of father-son weekend is that? I thought you were finally taking an interest in something that's important to me.
You see,this is the problem with being a good father.
They expect you to keep being a good father.
All right,fine.
I'll do the right thing.
Of course I'm taking you to the convention.
How else am I gonna learn about all this fascinating comic book stuff? What's the matter with you guys? Don't you know when someone's busting your sllab? Sllab.
That's "balls" backwards.
I'm screwed.
I've got a test on this stupid Moby Dick on Monday and evy time I start reading, I just,I-I doze off.
It's like an 800-page Valium.
Here's an idea.
| | You're tired? Have a cup of coffee.
Aren't I too young? Please.
I've seen the history trail on your computer.
If you're old enough for Extreme Farm Chicks dot com, I think you can handle a cup of coffee.
Look,I told you it was a popup.
Yeah.
Besides,didn't you always tell me how bad coffee was for you? Yeah,that's because it would keep you awake.
and you kids going to bed was pretty much all I had to live for.
Okay.
Cool.
Yes,I just started him on a lifetime of caffeine addiction, but at least maybe he'll pass the test and then get into a good college and then go on to discover the cure for some horrific disease, so don't judge me.
I'm a soldier in the war against AIDS.
Hey.
-How's it going,man? -All right.
Dad.
I think you're forgetting something.
What? Oh.
Sorry.
How embarrassing.
Look,Yrral.
The original Zoltar from the syndicated TV series is going to be signing autographs Who's Zoltar? Who's Zoltar? What the zingol is wrong with you? All right,can it, Ynnek before I break your Ynnek.
Who's this Zoltar character? Oh,he's from Galactic Sojourn.
-Yeah? -He's an Uber being.
He was originally from a savage tribe called the Meestahs, but repelled by their ways, he ran away to train under a teacher named Uber Gotlon.
Zoltar's parents came from the afflicted planet of Guabok where life was threatened by Torriadatos.
That's fascinating.
That's good stuff.
Isn't it? See, the Rotarians No,no,don't tell me any more right now.
It's just,you know, oo much to take in at one time.
-Hootowa -Hootowa! Hootowa! Yeah.
Hootowa.
-Hey.
Mom? -Yeah? I just wanted you to know that I'm going out with Danny tonight, and he asked me to sleep over, and I said okay but we're not gonna do anything.
We're just gonna sleep.
Yeah,we should just probably run this by your dad.
Oh,I get it.
You're not allowed to make any decisions without asking King Daddy.
No.
I don't need his help.
You're not going.
There! I did that all by myself.
I can't believe you.
You always ask me to be open and honest with you about these kinds of things and it gets me nowhere.
Now,I could have just snuck out of the house and not told you.
Would have made my life a lot easier.
And you always complain about how you and Grandma Betty had no relationship at all and she didn't trust you.
I'm glad to see we're headed in the same direction.
Whoa,whoa,hold on a second there.
I am nothing like my mother.
Could have fooled me.
Well,for your information, as long as it's just sleeping, you can sleep at Danny's house.
Really? Oh,my God,thank you.
You're the best.
The important thing is that our relationship be based on honesty and mutual respect and trust.
Man,that was a bad decision.
Well,I can't actually let her sleep over there tonight.
But I want her to like me.
Why is getting pregnant so easy, but being a moth is so hard? Hey.
Nanu-nanu.
Hey,any chance these things can pick up the Jets game? I'm dying to know the score.
Well,it would have to be a game that's on next year.
This is Future-vision,Mister.
Thanks a lot,Freak Show.
Hey,Dad,check this out.
I just bought this original Captain Spoonik action figure.
Wow.
You know,when I was seven I used to have a G.
I.
Joe.
I used to pretend he was having sex with my sister's Barbie.
Which was tough considering his genitals got blown off in 'Nam.
What are you doing?! -What,what are you talking about? -You ruined it! I didn't even touch it.
You're not supposed to take it out of the package.
How are you supposed to play with it? You don't play with it, you just look at it.
Inside the package, Untouched by human hands, where it's supposed to be.
God,what's wrong with you? All right,Larry,take it easy, okay? Relax.
Do not be so hard on him Yrral.
He's a newbie.
Yeah,I'm a newbie.
He does not know our ways.
I don't know the ways.
You're right,Kenny.
I'm sorry,Dad.
I forgot.
-You're here to learn.
-Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
I'll make it up to you.
I'm going to introduce you to the graphic artists who created Spoonik from the Warriors of Zibnorak.
Oh,my God,that is going to be awesome.
I know.
It's going to be so cool.
All right,you know, that's great, but anyone else hungry? It's almost 3:00.
Ooh,I guess I could go for an Intergalactic Dog.
They're out of this world.
Here's an idea-- why don't we go to a restaurant? But this is where all the fun is.
We could go to a restaurant any time.
How often do you get to have aliens serve you your lunch? Apparently you've never had a burrito at the Quickee Mart.
If you don't want to go to Fridays,you know,fine with me.
Fridays? That's my favorite.
Yes,I know that.
I also know they have a big-screen TV right over the bar where I could watch the Jets game and get drunk off my ass.
That's my favorite.
Ah,was that a great game or what? Jets win in overtime-- 53-yard field goal.
Now that deserves a "hootowa.
" Come one.
-Hootowa.
-Right.
Okay,Dad,are you ready for the best part of the whole weekend? Oh,I'm ready.
What's it going to be? We are going to get to meet Zoltar.
From Galactic Sojourn? Yep.
You better not be kidding me or I am going to freak out.
No joke.
He's right over here.
Oh,my God.
Wait.
Um Where is Zoltar? Sorry,kid.
He's done signing autographs.
But for ten bucks you can sit in his special space throne.
No,no,he can't be done signing autographs, 'cause I don't have his autograph.
Look,Yrral,I'm just as upset about this as you are, but try to remain calm.
Just remember the uber-creed of the Galactic You know what,just shut up,Kenny.
You are on my last nerve.
Wait,wait.
Do you know where Zoltar is? Do you know where he might be now? Yep.
I think he just jetted off on a special mission.
To vomit up that pint of vodka he drank.
How could we have missed Zoltar? Yeah,how did that happen? I'll tell you how that happened.
You made us go to that dumb restaurant.
What? You said you wanted to go.
It's your favorite,remember? Right,right, and you knew that, so you used my love of fried onions to lure me away so we could watch that stupid game, that went on and on and on and on and on.
It's called overtime, and it was the best game of the season.
Not to me it wasn't.
You know I hate football.
And now I have missed Zoltar! Okay,okay,keep your voice down.
No,I will not keep my voice down.
In fact,I am going to yell a lot more.
This was supposed to be my weekend, and you and you ruined it.
You ruin everything.
Excuse me? I ruined it? Let me explain something to you.
I drove all the way up here.
I slept on the floor of that crappy hotel.
I went booth to booth looking for Captain America volume 17,verse 34.
I put on these stupid ears.
I acted like I was having a good time.
Aha,aha,that's it,that's it.
I knew it,I knew it,I knew it.
You weren't really having a good time.
What was I thinking? My dad could actually take an genuine interest in something that's important to me? I should have known better.
Because if Larry likes something, it's stupid.
Because Larry is stupid.
Well,you know what, I am not stupid.
You're stupid.
Larry,come on.
I'm sorry,Larry.
You know what,you are a worse father than Darth Vader.
This stuff is great,Mom.
Page 257.
I am all over this whale's ass.
Can I have another cup? Thank you.
-Hey,Mom.
-Yeah? What should I wear to Danny's house tonight? The tunic or the camisole? There's got to be some way to trick her out of going to that boy's house tonight.
Oh,God,this is giving me a headache.
Hey.
Oh,wow.
| | What? Sorry.
What? Are you all right,Mom? No,no,I have a really bad headache and I'm very dizzy and I'm nauseous.
And I think I might even have a fever.
Am I hot? Wow.
I guess I could cancel my plans,and If you're really sick,and I could take care of you tonight.
No,no,I wouldn't want Really, you'd do that for me? Well,of course,Mom.
If you're not feeling well.
What's that? You're not feeling well? Who's not feeling well? You're not feeling well? I'll take care of you.
What do you need,aspirin,juice, cold compress,hot soup.
whatever you want.
I'm here for you.
-Well,I guess you don't need me.
-Yeah.
So,Mom what can I do for you? You can get out of my face.
Hey,hey,I know you.
You're Zoltar,huh? Yeah.
Wow,man,you're a lot bigger than your action figure.
And anatomically correct.
Hey,do you think I could get your autograph? Look,you could you could sign this.
You wouldn't happen to have a pen in that fancy belt of yours,would you? Autograph session is over.
It's not for me.
It's for my kid.
Well,I suppose your kid is out of luck.
Look,really really it's not for me, it's for my son.
You see,I kind of screwed things up with him this weekend.
Well,actually his whole life.
And it would just it would really mean a lot if you just signed sething.
Come on,Zoltar,please? My name is Roger Willoughby.
I am a graduate of the Royal Shakespeare Academy,damn it! I've played Hamlet! I am sick of this character.
I am sick of wearing this stupid costume like I'm the San Diego bloody Chicken.
And I am sick of all all you stupid fans.
Hey,hey.
Hey,without your stupid fans you wouldn't even have a job.
-Don't touch me.
-Take it easy,spaceman.
-Unhand me! -Relax.
Let me go! We must help Zoltar.
Hootowa! Hootowa! Hey,get off me you freaks.
I`m just trying to get t his guy to sign something for my son.
He started it.
Did not.
You mess with Zoltar, you mess with all of us.
What is wrong with you people? I'm trying to get him to sign something for my kid.
Hey,you people get off of him.
Off.
You,too.
He attacked Zoltar.
He called us freaks.
Okay,so he made a mistake, but he's an outsider here.
Yeah,I do not know your ways.
Come on,who among us doesn't know what that feels like? Hasn't anyone here ever been dragged to a baseball game and made the mistake of yelling "touchdown"? Does anyone here really have any idea what the difference is between pliers and a wrench? If we want people to accept us for who we are shouldn't we accept them for who they are? He's my dad.
And at least he's here and he's trying to be a part of my life.
Hootowa! -Hey,Mike -Call me Ishmael! Are you all right? Call me Ishmael.
All right,you're Ishmael.
No,no,it's the first line of Moby Dick.
That's all I remember.
Oh,really? Hang on.
Take some of these.
No,okay.
No.
I'm not taking anything else from you, all right? You're a pusher.
It's ginkgo boloba.
And you're a lightweight.
Okay,Mom,I'm going to Danny's house.
I have my cell phone if you need me see you tomorrow Well I can`t let her leave the house I'll just have to forbid her.
Oh,God,I am just like my mother.
Next thing you know, I'll be letting my robe accidentally fall open when repairmen come over to the house.
Okay,Hillary, here's the thing Hey,we're back.
What's going on? Your daughter wants to spend the night at some boy's house.
What? You're kidding me,right? No way.
No way.
Go to your room, and don't come down till I tell you.
Sorry,honey.
You heard your father.
-I missed you.
-I missed you,too.
proudly presents Season 02 Episode 03