Those Who Can't (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 [Marching band playing.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! Smoot, Smoot! Woop, woop! Smoot, Smoot! Woop, woop! Yeah! All right! This Friday, you Tariffs are gonna do something on this field that has not been done in 15 years beat Chatwood High! Whoo! 14 years! '02 was canceled on account of lighting.
I'm sorry.
Did I make marmalade, Martha? Not excuses What? Sss! [Chuckles.]
That was good, though.
Now, I want you to help me welcome the living legend, former Denver Broncos placekicker Mr.
"Iron Toe" Todd Timmons! [Cheers and applause.]
What?! Are you serious?! [Cheers and applause continue.]
Iron Toe! Everybody make some noise for your new head football coach! [Cheers and applause.]
Iron Toe's our new head coach?! Oh, my God! That is disgusting the way you people react and figure some knuckle-dragging Neanderthal graces us with his presence Hey! Iron Toe is second to no one, bro.
He got kicked out of the AFC championship game for tripping.
You can get thrown out of a game for tripping? Yeah, on acid, you can.
He was out of his mind.
Blasting it east-west, He didn't know what he was doing.
Now, I have given Iron Toe complete authority over Smoot in exchange for a guaranteed victory! Guaranteed! That's what I'm talking about! Broncos style, y'all.
And let me tell you what.
It's great to be on the field again.
What's your name there, Radio? - Go, Brady! - Brady! - Brady! - Go, Brady! Brady.
All right, Brady.
Tell you what.
- How would you like to hold that ball - Brady.
while I belt that son of a bitch 60 yards? - Would that be a hoot or what? - Uh I don't really All right, let's do it! Hey! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through [Marching band playing, cheers and applause.]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Okay, keep it up.
[Cheers and applause intensify.]
He's going east-west! You guys, this is a statement kick! [Cheers and applause.]
[Cheers and applause intensify.]
I clip your wing there, milquetoast? What are you, sick or something? I have celiac disease, but it's actually pretty easy to manage.
[Chanting.]
Iron Toe! Iron Toe! Iron Toe made a dying kid's wish come true! - Whoo! - Hey, it's just celiac disease.
- This feels like a dream.
- Oh, you're not dreaming, Fairbell.
This is a [bleep.]
damn mile-high miracle.
Stuffed Bill Romanowski into a circus cannon, shot him right into a fourth-floor window of the Patriots' hotel.
[Laughter.]
I'm gonna keep this in mint condish.
Thank you so much.
Hey, you're just the kind of stupid we need on this team.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Whatever, whatever.
- Smoot Pride.
Mr.
Iron Toe Loren Payton.
I'm your biggest fan.
Your "30 for 30: East by East-West" that's not just a documentary, that is art.
Did you even know that you were kicking east-west? I didn't even know I was playing football.
[Laughter.]
Wow.
In my spare time, um, I like to draw up football plays.
And, look, I know I'm not in the NFL or anything Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
If you're asking me to have a look at 'em I'd be honored.
- He's a saint.
- Are you serious? - You got it.
- He's a saint.
My goodness! - Did you hear that? - Coach Toe, what else can we do to secure a win?! You know, if I had free rein here at Smoot, the first thing I would do is I'd get our eight All-District players off of academic probation, back out on that field.
Well, that's a great idea, little buddy! Tell you what.
Why don't you go ahead and do that for me? Yeah, okay, I will.
The only problem is that road runs right through, uh, Shoemaker's class.
See, he's failing every one of 'em.
Damn right I am.
Those kids tried to get the Smoot Jazz Club to take all their tests.
As long as I'm here, those steroid Sherpas will never play guarantee you that.
You know what? I think I got a quick fix for this.
- What's that? - You're fired.
- [Laughter.]
- What? Why are you laughing? You can't fire me! Under what authority? Cattie, tell him he can't fire me.
I can't hear a ghost! You're dead to me! [Laughter.]
This is bull[bleep.]
, okay?! You have not seen the last of Billy Shoemaker.
[Laughter.]
Hey, Shoemaker! We never exchanged numbers! - [Laughter.]
- Oh, God.
Billy: You'll never get rid of me! You got this, girl.
This can't be worse than Teach For America in Detroit.
Aah! Ah! Roll it down! Who are you?! - Oh, oh! - What are you do Are you that hermit crab that's come to live in my shell?! No.
I'm Tracey.
I'm just a substitute history teacher.
[High-pitched voice.]
"No, I'm Tracey.
"I'm just a substitu" [Chuckles.]
"I'm Tracey.
" [Normal voice.]
Yeah, that's it, 'cause you go up at the end.
What are you doing? What do you mean what am I doing? I'm becoming you! That and I'm wearing about five pounds of makeup from the guy who did "Leprechaun Five.
" Now give me your substitute teacher orders! - Wait, no! No! Aah! - Yeah, give me these! Now get out of here, Tracey! This is a pain - you do not want to be a part of! - I don't want pain.
- Go! Get out of here! - I don't want pain.
- [Tires screech.]
- Oh! [School bell rings.]
Oh.
Uh, you must be Shoemaker's sub.
[High-pitched voice.]
H Oh.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Tracey.
Hi! Abbey! Wow.
It is so nice to finally have another woman here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yas, queen.
Oh, my God.
Your hair is so pretty.
It's like it's not even real.
Can I - Oh, thank you.
- touch it? [Normal voice.]
Why don't you mind your own [High-pitched voice.]
Ha ha ha! I'm just kidding with you.
I was joking.
Yeah, it's just so hard to hear in here, because your hair has so much volume.
- May I touch yours? - Of course you can.
[Laughs.]
Speaking of coarse like a reservation dog or something.
[Laughs.]
I'm being so basic right now.
Oh, my God! I love you! You're such a Shosh! What does that mean? - Oh, from the TV show "Girls.
" - [Laughs.]
That's something that Shoshanna would say! Yes! Oh, my God, yes.
I love "Girls.
" But not like that, not like that at all.
I mean, I love being a girl.
Yes, and bleeding and not having a weird penis.
- Oh.
- [Laughs.]
Girl, I have seen the weirdest penis.
- Oh, you don't say.
- Yeah.
All right, everybody take a knee.
Everybody on your knees! - Relax, foul ball, I was making a joke.
- Oh! [Laughs.]
- Everyone off your knees! - All right, come on! Get up.
FYI those three handicapped spots out front are now coach's parking/loading zone for my truck.
Actually, I think that we're legally obligated to keep those spots available Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Tell you what.
Why don't you just go fetch me a Frosty, okay, Wendy? And get me one, too, while you're there, and a Biggie fries! - Just shut up.
- Fuzz butter grab that printer, load her into my truck.
Roger.
Got it! Hey, I don't know if it's gonna fit, 'cause we put all those computers in there.
Just jam it in there!! You're my man, okay? - Gotcha.
- All right.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
So, you're stealing our printers? Look, just who in the Hello, gorgeous.
What? No, I'm, uh, not stealing them.
I need them to print up some playbooks.
Right, gang? - Yeah! - Yeah! Iron Toe: All right.
Thanks, guys! It's good to be back in Bronco Country.
[Cheering.]
- All right! - Whoo! Whoo! I'm Iron Toe.
Who might you be? Full of surprises.
I'm Tracey.
Enchante.
Say, uh, Tracey Yeah? This must be an Outback Steakhouse.
Yeah? Why's that? 'Cause those two onions are bloomin'.
[Gasps.]
Well, this is hard to endure.
I should probably get to class now.
'Kay.
Bye! I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave.
[Door closes.]
And I'd like to see her coming.
- Yeah, it was a good one, fuzz bump.
- Yes! All right, let's rock.
Class, that is why Amnesty International listed Leonard Peltier's case as one of its most unfair in history.
- See, now, that makes sense.
- Yes! Our last teacher was, like, the worst ever.
- [School bell rings.]
- [Laughs.]
Listen, perhaps you should be a little more mindful of those who aren't here to defend themselves! Yes, ma'am.
"Ma'am"? What does that mean? Oh, hey there, dollface.
I just need a minute in Shoemaker's desk, then I'll be out of hair.
Okay, babe? Sound good? - Hey! - Jesus.
- First of all, - God! I have a name, and it is Tracey.
- And what can I help you with? - Well, okay, Tracey.
Don't get your panties in a bun Hey, you look familiar.
- What? - Have we met before? - No, I think we have met before.
- [Chuckles.]
No, no.
- Dave Matthews.
- What? - Red Rocks.
- I don't like Yeah, you're that CrossFit chick.
We got to third base in the New Belgium tent.
Oh, I think I would have remembered hooking up with you, Loren.
- Ring a bell? - No.
You know, I was about six Fat Tires deep.
- Mm-hmm.
- Could have been a dude - for all I knew at that point.
- [Laughs.]
Too close.
Hey, wait, how did you know I'm named "Loren" if we've never hooked up? Oh, well, because everybody knows that Loren is the coolest guy in school.
- Yeah, that does check out.
- Yeah.
Tracey, you seem pretty chill.
I need a favor.
My friend is "Iron Toe" Todd Timmons Well, unfortunately, your friend is a douche bag, so there will be no - Excuse me? - Excuse you.
Iron Toe is not a douche bag.
He's a Denver Bronco.
And you will show the appropriate respect [bleep.]
damn it.
- I will show nothing of the sort! - Ow! What I will do is take my power back as a woman! So you take your oppressive penis and your power-hungry male ego and you just step on out that door, 'cause I am woman, hear me roar! All right, Tracey.
You are so, so lucky that I would never hit a pregnant chick.
[School bell rings.]
- Hi! - Hi! I got you ice blended.
Oh.
That is so nice, but no thank you.
- I'm watching my figure.
- Oh, you look great! - Really? You think so? - Yeah! 'Cause this body-image stuff is an f'ing roller coaster.
Ugh! Tell me about it.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to slap the Red Vine right out of her hand.
[Both laugh.]
- Oh, my God! - 'Sup, sluts? - Ugh.
- Oh, God.
Hey, uh, want to head over to my office, quick grope sesh? You're disgusting.
Relax.
Why don't you have another Red Vine while I talk to your niece here.
- Haven't you heard "No means no"? - As for you, darling, when you're done with Nana over here, you know where to find me.
- Ow! My God.
- Jackass.
- What the hell was that? - Ugh.
And what am I feeling? Vulnerability, dehumanization.
Aww.
It's like I want to punch him in the face, but I feel like I brought this on myself.
That is the perfect definition of sexual harassment.
- I feel that every day.
- No, you don't.
Yes, I do! Every man here is obsessed with me! Well, it doesn't matter anymore, 'cause I am gonna get Iron Turd.
I'm gonna go report him, and they'll have to believe me.
I'm the female victim here.
[Laughs.]
Tracey! It's like it's your first day as a woman! What? You think they'll believe us over a famous athlete? Yes.
They have to.
[Laughing.]
That's hilarious! Okay, well, then I'll have to get hard evidence.
- Uh-huh.
- That'll bring Shoemaker back.
Why are you so obsessed with Shoemaker? He's gone.
It's more like "Whomaker.
" [Laughs.]
Yeah, women are funny.
That's good.
No, I've seen a lot of people really missing him around here, yeah.
And I heard he had a hot bod.
Oh, oh, that's it.
Maybe you're thinking of Denny Shoemaker or something.
You know what? I'll take that blended now.
Enough.
Zzt! Okay? [Chuckles.]
What the hell are you looking at? Oh, my God! It's so clean in here! Where is that grade book? No, why don't you learn to watch your mouth? Hey, have you ever got your ass kicked by a lady in lime green? God, this place is a cesspool.
Oh, my feet.
Oh, that feels good.
Maybe I'll let the pugs in the yard to breathe.
- [Velcro rips.]
- Ohh! Oh, my okay! You're a man! You're a man! - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - It's fine.
I'm just gonna walk away.
I didn't see anything.
Hey! It's me, Shoemaker! Shoemaker? What are you doing? I'm getting my damn job back! - By Mrs.
Doubtfiring yourself? - I'm Danish Girling myself! This is desperate, man, even for you.
This isn't about me.
It's about women everywhere.
Oh, just 'cause you put on a wig and some barely passable prosthetics, which never worked on me, - Oh, it didn't for you.
Right.
- not even for a second does not make you a woman.
I am most certainly a woman, okay? I've been sexually harassed into some sort of an eating disorder.
Everywhere I go, people keep telling me to smile more, and my paycheck is 70% of what it was last week.
Now, don't you tell Cattie that I did this.
- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You wouldn't dare.
Unless you change those players' grades, Sheneneh.
Fine.
Thatagirl.
And would it kill you to smile? Hey, Tambourine.
Do you know where Iron Toe is? Not showing up is where he is.
He's not doing anything to help this team.
Oh, please, like fulfilling that dying child's last wish? Brady's not dying.
He's got celiac disease.
He just can't eat gluten.
Well, I don't give a [bleep.]
.
Look, winning a football game is like clapping to keep Tinker Bell alive.
It only works if you believe.
Now, the players they believe in Iron Toe because we believe in Iron Toe.
If we start questioning the Toe, then the kids are gonna lose faith and Tinker Bell dies.
Do you want to kill a fairy or do you want to win a damn game? - Win a damn football game.
- Well, then, come on! Clap your hands, Tammy! Come on! First off, I am not clapping my hands.
And second, I think your Tinker Bell is more of a Captain Hook! He's casing the place! - Oh, please! - Quick question.
Anyone here in the market for a gently used laser printer? Like the one missing from the AV room? [Crash.]
You know, uh, if you want to accuse me of something, I'd be happy to go help another high school win, like, let's say - Chatwood.
- [Gasps.]
Then go.
[Chuckles.]
There's no need to intimidate.
Why don't you sit down, Tammy? Um, you have 100% of our support, Coach.
Whatever you need, you got it right here.
- All right.
Thanks, Sugar.
- [Chuckles.]
- Iron Toe! There you are.
Great news! - Uh-huh.
Okay.
All those All-District players I got 'em eligible for the football game.
Great.
Thanks, guy.
Good.
Good.
Real good.
Yeah, some of the players were hoping that maybe you'd come coach a little bit or No, I'm kind of busy with Foul Ball here, but, uh, why don't you just, uh, run 'em through some plays, okay? Oh, you mean plays like these? I've been working on these my whole life.
- Have you, now? - You might recognize some of these from the '87 championship season, right? Very familiar, yeah.
Look, I'd love to stick around and chat, but, uh, I've got to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
[Laughter.]
That's the coolest way you could say that.
Hey hey hey! Oh, don't kill Tinker Bell, Tammy.
Please.
[Singsong voice.]
Iron Toe? Why don't you take a picture? I'll last longer.
Where is Iron Toe? Hey, Coach, your street meat's here.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hey.
Go flush your desk, Fish Bone.
Right.
[Toilet flushes.]
So, where can I do you for? [Both chuckle.]
Well, I was in my room thinking perhaps I've been a little bit coy with you.
But, um, I just get so easily embarrassed and shy.
You want to know something? What's that? I was this close to whipping up a batch just thinking about you.
So hard to believe you're single.
So, ready to meet the original Barrel Man? Just as long as I can film it.
- Oh, a freak, huh? - Maybe.
Since you're pregnant, I won't have to wear a sock, right? [Marching band playing.]
Uh, shouldn't we be out warming up with the team? Relax, Four Balls.
Everyone's distracted.
This is our chance.
Now, where does Cattie keep the valuables? - There's a treasure drawer.
- All right, boys.
We got this.
Iron Toe'll be here any minute, start this ballgame.
It's locked.
Hold my shoe.
Come on, sweetie pie.
Talk to me.
- [Knocks.]
- There it is.
[Chuckles.]
- Ohh! - [Gasps.]
- Would have been good from 70.
- The mother lode.
It's all right.
He'll show up.
He'll be here He'll be here.
- So, what's happening? Where's Iron Toe? - Last time I saw him was this morning.
He was in the boy's locker room.
He was painting the whole thing red.
Wrote "Hell" on the wall badass.
What's all this crap? Where's the cash? Right here Uncle Jake's pizza cash.
Not pizza cash the the money! Where is it? The money? I guess at the bank, where regular money lives? You mean to tell me I've been working this school, and all I get for it is a printer, some laptops, and your grandfather's crappy watch?! You've been stealing from the school this entire time? We've been stealing from the school this whole time, you dumb piece of But we bled it dry.
I'm out of here.
Take care, Fairbell.
He called me "Fairbell.
" Hey, Smoot, we got to get this game going.
Where's your coach? Oh, no, no, no! This is not happening to me.
Hey, don't worry about it.
He's a Bronco.
Broncos always show up.
[Engine starts.]
- You got two minutes.
- He'll be here.
Oh, he better be, because I am not gonna look like a fool in front of 40 reporters.
- 41 42 - Fairbell! Nothing! No one! Fairbell, I know you have something in your pocket.
I could care less right now.
Where is Iron Toe? He's gone.
He left.
- What?! - What?! He did remember my name, though, before he left.
He said, "You are one dumb piece of Fairbell.
" - So, you're telling me that Iron Toe - Oh, no.
had enough faith in me to step up and coach the game of my goddamn life? No, he said, "I've bled this school dry, and I'm leaving.
" - I'll do it.
I'll do it for Iron Toe.
- I remember.
He he made me promise.
- Oh, my - And for the Broncos.
"I bled this school dry, - "and now I'm" - And for Smoot Nation! Loren, you better fix this.
Don't you worry, Cattie.
I have got one hell of a plan.
It's girls of the PAC-10.
Ass! - Hey [bleep.]
did the bars just let out? - [Laughs.]
That's hilarious, Abbey.
No, where is Iron Toe? I've got that bastard.
Oh, haven't you heard? Iron Toe looted the school and just took off.
- S-So Iron Toe is gone? - Yeah.
[Voice breaking.]
You mean I did all that for nothing? Did all what? Oh, gosh, honey! No, no, no, no! It's fine.
No, I'm probably just gonna, um, go home and shower forever, you know, or something.
I'll see you later.
'Kay, bye! - Bye! - Aaaah! All right, boys, we're gonna throw the whole goddamn playbook at 'em.
They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
Every single one of these routes.
We're gonna throw the Deal and Dug at 'em.
We're gonna throw the "Celebrity SportsCenter" at 'em.
What appears to be a sperm is not.
It's a player route this way.
- Coach.
- You zig, you za A lot of these plays are pretty complicated.
Exactly.
If you guys are confused, imagine how lost they're gonna be, huh? Now, let's go out there, Smoot High, and let's play some Fighting Tariff football using these plays, huh? [Indistinct shouting.]
On three, "Break.
" One, two, three Smoot High! Get out there! Get out there! Do it right.
[Cheers and applause.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not a double reverse.
[Whistle blows.]
Oh, oh! Great, great! That's great! That's a great play! What are you doing, 3-7? What, are you throwing to me?! What the [bleep.]
is going on out here? That's dog[bleep.]
That's [bleep.]
dog[bleep.]
I didn't realize I'm like the [bleep.]
out here trying to play the [bleep.]
game of football! I am [bleep.]
livid.
I can't even do this [bleep.]
.
You know what? Y'all coach.
Y'all just [bleep.]
coach, you're so [bleep.]
smart.
[Bleep.]
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I was trying to loosen it up around here.
What the hell are you doing out there, Bill Belisuck? Cattie, these kids are idiots.
It's like they've never seen the '87 AFC championship game.
It's hopeless, all right? It's hopeless! Un unless I got one more perfect play.
Unh-unh-unh, you had your chance! Now it's the Cattie Goodman show.
Put in the dying kid.
Cattie that's brilliant! Nobody's gonna remember the final score after that.
They're just gonna remember Brady, the little bummer boy.
Exactly.
That type of stuff always makes the news.
Hey, Brady! Suit up.
You're going in.
[Marching band playing.]
This is gonna be so great.
Hey, how'd you convince Chatwood's coach to, uh, make sure the players let Brady score? When would I have done that? I just came up with it just now.
Oh, God.
[Bleep.]
Uh uh Call him on your headset! Call the other coach on the headset.
That isn't how this works! This is plugged into my iPod.
- I'm listening to Weezy right now.
- Are you stupid? - Clap if you believe.
- What?! Just do it! Clap if you believe! Clap, guys.
Clap it out! - Clap if you believe! - Clap it out if you believe.
Clap.
That's it! [Chanting.]
Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! - Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady! - [Whistle blows.]
[Cheering.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I caught it.
Unh! [All groan.]
Walk it off, son! Walk it off.
- He's okay! - Oh, yes! Thank you, Jesus! - Thank you, Jesus! - He's all right.
[Applause.]
[Murmuring.]
[Bleep.]
damn it.
Well, this was one gigantic [bleep.]
show.
Mr.
Payton, I'm gonna guarantee you something right now.
You're never gonna coach for this team again.
What? You have to give me one more shot.
Well, let me think about it, okay? No! I'll tell you one thing you have not seen the last of Coach Payton.
- [Sighs.]
- Okay, I'll bite.
What is it? I miss Tracey.
- What are you - It's like I still smell her.
Oh, my God, Abbey.
Okay, listen.
Tracey was What? She was in the parking lot when I was on my way back in, and wanted me to tell you that she thought you were best friends, and that your periods had finally synched up.
Oh, my God! I knew it! That is so me and Tracey.
Hey, guys, just got back from visiting Brady at the hospital.
Good news they got his head back on the right way.
That is good news.
Yeah.
Bad news someone, and they don't know who, gave him one of the last of my cinnamon rolls and got really sick.
- [Knock on door.]
- Woman: Yoo-hoo! Oh, hey, there, teachers I don't know.
I'm Susie, a girl football coach who plays by her own rules.
Excuse me? My tits are right here