Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
1 # She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day a new sensation How d'you break it to the nation? # Tracey's gonna break the news # She wants to say this She wants to play this # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day a new sensation Take it to the waking nation She's going to faking well break the news.
Are you looking for a tasty treat to satisfy your little Brexiteers and Remainers at the same time? Then why not give them Theresa's Brexit Fudge? Theresa's Brexit Fudge contains whatever you want.
As long as you promise not to resign, it's sweet, creamy and uncommonly vague.
This agreement clearly states that we will not be staying in the Customs Union, of which we will no longer be a member, while remaining firmly within it from the outside.
Theresa lovingly hammers out her fudge in a small, airless room in Westminster.
The House of Lords then adds up to 15 extra ingredients, and then the House of Commons carefully removes them all again.
The finished product is flaky and nutty, but most of all It's a complete confection.
Neither hard nor soft, it's deeply unsatisfactory.
CHILDREN SINGING: Will you buy it? Will anyone? Oh, excuse me, could you help? I'm trying to cross but I've left my specs at home and I can't see a thing without them.
I guarantee my support and your safe transition from this pavement to the one opposite.
You're good to go.
Oh, thank you very much.
TYRES SCREECH CRASHING AND SCREAMING Oh, my God, what happened? I was going to support that elderly human in her bid to safely cross the road, then realised that I could not in all good conscience do so.
So I decided instead to guide her into oncoming traffic.
What? Why? I think the fact that I took a difficult and unpopular decision proves that I am a man of principle.
I trust I have your vote.
OVER PA: One, two, one, two.
Labour Live.
TO THE TUNE OF SEVEN NATION ARMY: # Oh, Jeremy Corbyn # You see, with the stress on the J.
All right, let's try it, then.
# Oh, Jeremy Corbyn Oh, Jeremy Corbyn Right, yeah.
You're getting there.
OK, take five.
Afternoon, Jeremy.
Oh, hello, John.
Bloody hell, this place is absolutely huge.
Everything ready for tomorrow, then? Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
Can't believe it's finally happening - Labour Live, the most significant socialist symposium of the 21st-century.
ENERGETIC POP MUSIC PLAYS Uhyeah.
That is what this is going to be, isn't it? A serious forum for debating affirmative action and the dismantling of the neo-liberal consensus? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Oh, good, because it could easily have become some sort of superficial, sycophantic, cult of Corbyn type of thing.
And we wouldn't want that, would we? John, have you seen this lighting rig? MUSIC STOPS It's a smashing bit of kit, isn't it? This is the line-up, is it? Can't say I've heard of any of the musical acts.
Pretty big acts there, John.
We've got the Magic Numbers, you've got Rae Morris, we've got Jermain Jackman.
Jermaine Jackson? No, no, Jermain Jackman.
He won The Voice, John.
Who is Kate Osamor? It says here she's Shadow Secretary of State for International Development.
Jeremy, hi.
I just wanted to check that you're happy with everything we're putting in the VIP goodie bag.
VIP? Very Important Proletariat, John.
We've got an "I heart Jeremy" bumper sticker, a "Jez We Can" mug, a "Keep Calm and Corbyn On" T-shirt.
Very good, yeah.
Look, it's just a bit of merchandise.
You've got to give the people what they want, John.
When it comes to the event itself, there will be ECHOING: .
.
a relentless focus on our agenda for radical change! NORMAL VOICE: OK? OK.
The workers.
The workers.
MAN: OK, let it go Well, they've got to be able to see it at the back.
Hello from Moscow, where it is a scorching 14 degrees.
On behalf of our glorious leader, Vladimir Putin, we welcome all fans to Russia World Cup, which we won in fair and not fixy fixy vote.
Russia invite all fans to our open and loving country.
But there are a few small things to remember.
First There are no gay people in the Russia.
Whole country, 100% certified hetero.
But if you are gay and want gay beaten out of you, that is service we offer.
Next, please respect our cultural norms and don't be not white.
If you're not white, of course you welcome in our country, but please hide all time in hotel under bed.
Trust me, it's for best.
Finally, for any England fan who is white and not gay, enjoy tournament free from discrimination.
We treat you just like everyone else.
Thank you for attention and we look forward very much to see you at next World Cup, in country even more welcoming to everyone - Qatar.
# The Murdoch Bunch # The Murdoch Bunch That is how we all became The Murdoch Bunch.
Oh, look at you kids - you look so cute.
Rupert, honey! We're ready! Oh, no.
This one's blank.
What would you write in a Father's Day card if you liked your dad? Google it.
Yeah.
Oh, here's one.
"You are my hero and my role model.
" THEY LAUGH "You are the best man I know.
" "I am truly grateful to have you in my life.
" Shh! They're coming.
ALL: Happy Father's Day.
So, what have you bought your daddy on this most special of days? I got you a bungee jump, Dad.
I got you a diving with sharks day.
I got you a running with the bulls in Pamplona gift card.
Anyone would think you lot are trying to bump me off.
THEY LAUGH What about you, numb nuts? I thought we could go for a day out on my yacht.
Now I know you're trying to bump me off.
Last time we went out on your yacht - technically my yacht, cos I bloody paid for it - I suffered a mysterious heavy blow to the head, went arse-over-tit, nearly broke me bleeding back.
You leeches were trying to Maxwell me.
We would never do that.
You are my hero and my role model.
You are the best man I know.
I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Yeah, very touching.
You should know by now, I'm indestructible, like the News Of The World.
Or should I say the Sun On Sunday? RUPERT GROANS Oh, careful, honey.
What did you get your daddy? My daddy's dead, silly.
N-Not your actual father.
I meanwhat did you get your daddy? Oh, Rupert.
You know that every day is Daddy's day in this house.
THEY SMOOCH NOISILY Oh, Jerry, spasm.
Oh, honey, do you need one of my special massages? See, kids? Your little yacht plot has totally backfired.
Ever since the accident, Jerry has taken such good care of me .
.
I feel like I'm 21 again.
Reckon I could last forever.
Shall I get the oil? That gets a big two thumbs up.
Oh, yeah.
We could try that as well.
THEY GROAN A daredevil raccoon in St Paul, Minnesota had the internet on tenterhooks this week when it spent nearly a day scaling 23 floors of a building.
I mean, what's he hoping to get, French citizenship? It's not that I've got anything against the internet, I just like shopping - actual shopping - and supporting the local community.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're closing.
But it's only 2:30.
No, we're closing down.
Oh, yes, of course.
Maureen Stephens is I always love popping in to pick up a bargain in Poundworld.
It's amazing.
Everything costs £1 .
.
including the business, it turned out.
I mean, the high street is changing so quickly.
Our local House Of Fraser is now just a house.
And Maplins is a charity shop, I think to raise money for people who used to work in Maplins.
I find there's something about being able to actually touch stuff, and you can't beat that real human interaction.
Can I get this, please? Security, this woman's acting suspiciously.
Oh, I just want to buy this.
I was going to pay for it.
Everyone knows that you come into a shop to work out what you want to buy and then you go home and buy it online for half the price.
Sling your hook, weirdo.
I try to eat out on the high street as well, if I can, but the restaurant chains are falling like dominoes.
Except Domino's.
Maureen has decided to show her granddaughter how things used to be done.
Let me show you how to pay with money.
You go up to the counter, you hand over a crisp £20 note .
.
and you get a big, heavy handful of dirty change.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it? SHE YELPS Oh, you've got to love that human touch.
So much more personable than cybercrime, wouldn't you say? She's going to Ahoy there, me hearties.
I've got three sprogs - the heir, the spare and the spare for the spare - and I'll pick them up on Tuesday.
Oh, no, you can't leave them.
You have to supervise them at all times.
Oh, bugger it! Looks like Granny C's going to stay.
Right, off you go.
Are you here because the polo's been rained off, too? No, school Inset day.
William insisted that he and Kate have some quality time.
The last time he did that, this one came along.
WOMAN LAUGHS Well, it's great for them to burn off some energy.
Yes, and I have been looking for something for that, ever since Charles said we weren't allowed to chase them with dogs.
Oh.
Like any lady with a baby, I need to know, where's? The changing room? .
.
the bar? That's odd.
There only seems to be mixers.
Oh.
I left my hip flask in my other wellies.
Where's the girl one gone? Oh, I think she went in there.
CAMILLA SIGHS Where are the SAS when you need them? Look, I'm going in.
And if I don't make it back, tell Charles he's the best shag I ever had.
Well, top five anyway.
SHE GRUNTS Come here! One's wibbly bits are wedged.
Whee! Wait there, George.
Are you in here? Actually, this is quite fun.
Like the Grand National, but without having to shoot anything.
I found her.
She was in the balls.
Right, troops, come along.
Sorry, excuse me, are you sure she's yours? You just put them in a frock coat and some T-bar shoes and nobody knows the difference.
CAMILLA: Everybody, let's go.
Coming soon to BBC One, if you're sick of football, here's another documentary series where another random celebrity goes round looking at stuff that hasn't already been looked at by some other random celebrity.
I'm Julie Walters, and over the next six weeks I am going to be travelling the length and breadth of the country to discover Basildon must be really proud of this fatberg, Terry.
I thought the Aberdeen fatberg was special - this one is a cracker.
What a terrific fatberg.
What's it made of? Baby wipes, mainly, and oil from takeaways.
And what is that I can smell? That would be shit.
Right.
Come on, lads.
I want to see the passion of Brazil, the precision of Germany and the speed of my resignation after the group stages.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, Mr Southgate, how you doing? You super-excited about the World Soccer Series? Sorry, who are you? I'm Janice from Amazon.
Oh, good.
Have you got my order of Wagon Wheels? I haven't been able to find any in Volgograd.
No.
I'm here because Amazon owns soccer now.
Well, you say that, but at the end of the day, all you've done is bought the rights to broadcast 20 Premiership games next season.
Yeah, and 10 years ago we just sold books.
It's part of what Jeff Bezos is calling our aggressive expansion policy, which ultimately ends with us conquering Jupiter as a totally offshore tax heaven.
Blimey.
Long-term, Amazon aims to acquire .
.
well, everything.
And these soccer quarterbacks are very much on our radar.
So, what, you'd like to sponsor the England team? Hell, no! We like to take risks, but we're not insane! No, Amazon has decided the next step is to acquire the television rights to individual players, like Harry Kane.
So if you could tell him not to pass to Sterling, that would be really appreciated by corporate.
What? But that's like my main tactic for unlocking the Tunisian defence.
That may be, but BT Sport is planning to move on Sterling, so this is now a branding issue.
Uh, Kane could pass to Dele Alli.
Look, I'm not going to let some faceless corporation dictate the way my team plays football, OK? You know, managing England is a very highly-skilled job.
Yeah, I understand.
I mean, it's not as if any of us have the technology to say, "Alexa, manage the English soccer team.
" ALEXA: Selecting players, calculating strategy.
All right, all right.
Harry, can you bang it over to Alli, mate? There's a good lad.
Now we're working together.
Seriously, though, if you haven't got any Wagon Wheels, can you get me some Penguins? Passenger groups reacted with anger when Mark Carne, the boss of Network Rail, was appointed a CBE in the Queen's Birthday Honours.
SHE SCOFFS What are they going to give him next, a seat in the House of Lords? Actually, no - they should make him stand, shouldn't they? Right, folks, it's bath time.
Oh! I don't want to! Children, such bellicosity is bootless.
Nanny has spoken and must be obeyed.
Bath time it is.
Hands off our fish, fowl Spanish fishing vessel! These are British waters now.
SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, no! Without your English fish, we will have nothing to put in our paella! Taking back control of the seas, are we, Mr Rees-Mogg? That I am, Nanny.
Shouldn't they be more like SPANISH ACCENT: "Hola! "Don't forget the Common Fisheries Policy still applies "during the transition period, "so these are our waters until 2020.
" BRITISH ACCENT: "Oh, no.
"The British fishing industry will never survive that long.
"We've been sold down the river by the Tories.
" Glug, glug, glug.
That'll be all, Nanny.
Don't forget to wash your minnow.
Fancy a cuppa? Already got it covered, haven't I? I set the smart kettle to come on just before the ad break.
PHONE BEEPS Who's that texting you? The boiler.
"The temperature outside has dropped by two degrees "so your smart heating system is compensating accordingly.
" You sure it's not over-compensating? It is damn hot in here.
No, it says it is the perfect temperature.
ROBOT WHIRS Could you turn the robo-vac off? It's really starting to annoy me.
Must be malfunctioning, it's not even programmed to be on now.
Do you really need every machine in the house to be connected to the network? Get with the times, Grandad.
MUSIC PLAYS Music off.
MUSIC STUTTERS AND WARPS Curtains open.
Music off! Lights off! Music off! For heaven's sake.
I need some ice.
Bloody smart freezer! I think the boiler's just sexted me.
What the hell is that? I think it's a picture of its heating element.
Oh, God! RUSSIAN ACCENT: What are you two playing at? Nothing, boss.
You're not hacking into random people's smart appliances again, are you? We are international superpower and have important work to do.
Now, there is harmless ex-spy to poison in Chippenham Nando's.
Yes, boss.
Coming soon to BBC One, another series where the same celebrity tries some different stuff.
I'm Julie Walters and I'm going to be travelling the length and breadth of the country by rail replacement bus service.
But which is Britain's favourite? We've been waiting at this stop for seven-and-a-half hours now.
Do you think the bus is ever going to show up? No bikes on the bus.
What do you mean, I can't bring my bike on the bus? I had it on the train.
What am I supposed to do with it now? So is this your favourite? I wish I was dead.
That's Britain's Favourite Rail Replacement bus service at 8 o'clock on BBC One.
Oh, no, it's running late.
Now expected 8.
15pm.
Oh, sorry, it's been cancelled.
Where are we, Nicola? It feels particularly cold and inhospitable, even for Scotland.
It's time to address the greatest humiliation in Scotland's history.
And I don't mean what happened at Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday.
Are you still smarting about us not winning a curling medal at the Winter Olympics? Of course I am! Haven't you noticed, wee Mhairi, that to be a global superpower, you have to be successful at sport? Why do you think the Russians cheat so much? And for a while there, you know, Scotland was holding its own.
PHONE DINGS Aye.
Sir Andy Murray, Sir Chris Hoy, Sir Jocky Wilson.
Did they knight him? I don't know.
They should have.
Anyway, one's knackered, one's retired and one's dead.
But I thought we still had the curling.
What went wrong? We lost our secret weapon.
Irn-Bru.
Irn-Bru? Aye.
You can keep your steroids and your blood transfusions.
Nothing gave us the competitive edge like the rust-flavoured sugar hit of the bestselling soft drink in the Renfrewshire area.
PHONE DINGS And then those busybodies in Westminster made us reduce the sugar content.
Like finding out that it wasn't really made from girders isn't bad enough.
It's not made from girders?! Are you going to answer that or what? No.
It'll just be my Twitter trolls.
More vile abuse from narrow-minded idiots who struggle with the thought of a gay woman being an MP.
Misogynistic pricks! Aggh! Eve Muirhead? You're fired.
Would you like an Irn-Bru? Oh, yeah.
Two sugars or four? In international news, Donald Trump has signed a treaty with Kim Jong-un.
Trump said he got everything he wanted out of the deal.
Kim said he got everything he wanted too, so there.
Then Donald said, "Do you want to come and see my big house?" And Kim said, "Do you want to come to MY big house?" And Donald said, "I said it first.
Nyeh, nyeh!" And Kim said, "Yeah, but I said it best so I win "and you're a poo-poo pants.
" At least that's how I imagine it went.
I just thought I could smell something, so I thought it was best to just call the council.
Yeah.
No, you were right to call.
It's definitely an infestation.
Oh, no.
What is it, rats, termites? Worse.
Hipsters.
Looks like they've found their way into next door.
Is that what I could smell? Yeah, beard oil.
I'm surprised you didn't hear them sanding the floorboards and discussing Wes Anderson films.
See, I thought I heard something, but I didn't see anything.
No, well, you wouldn't, they're mostly out during the day, hanging around coffee shops that used to be ironmongers or playing ping-pong ironically.
How do they get in? They just follow the cycle routes until they hit somewhere unfashionable.
Can you get rid of them? Well, it's tricky, we used to smoke 'em out, but now they think we're vaping and you just attract more of them.
Can't you put some poison down or something? Not strictly legal.
Sadly.
What we can do is put a bit of bait down, some old vinyl or an artisan Scotch egg.
That draws them out.
And then we trap them and release them in Shoreditch or somewhere.
Because if you leave them, they'll just start breeding and then house prices are affected.
Will the value go down? No, up, weirdly.
No-one knows why, cos hipsters are bloody awful, but mark my words, left unchecked, they'll price you out of this place in no time.
Oh, they wouldn't be interested in this old house.
It's got the original fireplace, all the flock wallpaper, and the bathroom's from the 1930s.
Oh, God, you're going to be overrun.
Mark Rylance? Oh, no, no, please, please, don't notice me, I'm just a man, I'm nothing special Mark, it's me, Dame Judi.
Oh, my word! Oh, what an honour.
Oh, I admire your work so much.
The wonderful stories you tell.
No time for that.
I'm here because you, like me, have become something of a national treasure.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no No, don't be afraid.
It offers opportunities.
Come with me.
You see that bus shelter? Oh, yes.
I want you to throw this trainer on top of it.
Why? Just do it.
And action! Excuse me, sir.
Did you just throw a shoe on It's you, isn't it? You starred in Dunkirk.
The brave soldiers and the fishermen were the real stars.
It is you.
I love that film.
You couldn't have thrown a shoe, right? You're a national treasure.
Wh-wh-what's this feeling? It's the thrill of getting away with it, and now that you're a national treasure, you can get away with anything.
MUSIC: Anarchy In The UK by Sex Pistols # I am an antichrist # I am an anarchist # Don't know what I want but I know how to get it # I want to destroy passer-by Cos I want to be Oh, Dame Judi! What a gift.
Why share it with me? Well, I'm not getting any younger.
Time to pass on the baton.
It would have been Bradley Wiggins Anyway.
I thank you for this wonderful gift.
All right, dear, we're not at the Baftas now.
And if you ever need more tutelage, you know where to find me Oh, he's stolen my handbag.
Come back! Sam Mendes gave me that bag! Oh, sod it.
HE LAUGHS I'm Mark Rylance, and I'm king of the world! Oh, my goodness.
What have I done? Every day, millions of men around the world are enjoying things full of men.
But we can make it stop.
This is an appeal on behalf of Your donations to FWRTMUTL have already funded Ocean's 8, a summer blockbuster that ruins the franchise by stuffing it full of women.
Your previous help made possible a female Doctor Who, and a Ghostbusters remake totally riddled with wombs.
We've done so much already.
But there are still many things out there that men love that women have yet to ruin.
We need your help to push our vagenda.
Just £10 a month could buy us a female James Bond.
£15 could give the world a female England football manager.
And £20 could help our important research into creating a viable female Ross Kemp.
So, please, give what you can because with your help, women can ruin everything for men.
Expect them getting paid more, that's proving impossible.
What are you up to, old thing? I'm looking for cameras.
Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us? Right now? I don't think so.
Well, the Russians probably are.
And the CIA, I imagine.
And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no.
What's brought all this on? Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.
Oh, good, did you? No, but I decided to, and that's a start.
So I thought, "I'll watch a film.
" Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills.
And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.
Especially outside marriage.
So I watched a film called The Truman Show.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Hear me out, Philip.
Because it all adds up.
Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre.
It's all too bad to be true.
I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable.
I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless.
Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein.
But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg.
And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada.
Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian.
None of it adds up.
Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.
That's because they have to keep me on the show.
It's all designed to torment me.
I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show.
And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.
No, look, I promise you, all of this is happening for real.
Which I mean in the reassuring way.
Europe is just this little problem that will iron itself out in the next year, or 20.
What about Boris? What rational explanation could there be for him? He's just a devious narcissistic bastard, darling.
So, should I stop worrying? Yes.
Well, not about Boris, obviously, or Gove, or Barnier, but about The Theresa Show, yes.
You are not trapped in some sinister reality programme hosted by Dermot O'Leary.
That sounded very specific.
Just trust me.
You are the real Prime Minister.
Yes.
I am.
Yes, you are.
Now, you get out there and show them what you're made of.
I will.
She's onto us.
Are you looking for a tasty treat to satisfy your little Brexiteers and Remainers at the same time? Then why not give them Theresa's Brexit Fudge? Theresa's Brexit Fudge contains whatever you want.
As long as you promise not to resign, it's sweet, creamy and uncommonly vague.
This agreement clearly states that we will not be staying in the Customs Union, of which we will no longer be a member, while remaining firmly within it from the outside.
Theresa lovingly hammers out her fudge in a small, airless room in Westminster.
The House of Lords then adds up to 15 extra ingredients, and then the House of Commons carefully removes them all again.
The finished product is flaky and nutty, but most of all It's a complete confection.
Neither hard nor soft, it's deeply unsatisfactory.
CHILDREN SINGING: Will you buy it? Will anyone? Oh, excuse me, could you help? I'm trying to cross but I've left my specs at home and I can't see a thing without them.
I guarantee my support and your safe transition from this pavement to the one opposite.
You're good to go.
Oh, thank you very much.
TYRES SCREECH CRASHING AND SCREAMING Oh, my God, what happened? I was going to support that elderly human in her bid to safely cross the road, then realised that I could not in all good conscience do so.
So I decided instead to guide her into oncoming traffic.
What? Why? I think the fact that I took a difficult and unpopular decision proves that I am a man of principle.
I trust I have your vote.
OVER PA: One, two, one, two.
Labour Live.
TO THE TUNE OF SEVEN NATION ARMY: # Oh, Jeremy Corbyn # You see, with the stress on the J.
All right, let's try it, then.
# Oh, Jeremy Corbyn Oh, Jeremy Corbyn Right, yeah.
You're getting there.
OK, take five.
Afternoon, Jeremy.
Oh, hello, John.
Bloody hell, this place is absolutely huge.
Everything ready for tomorrow, then? Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
Can't believe it's finally happening - Labour Live, the most significant socialist symposium of the 21st-century.
ENERGETIC POP MUSIC PLAYS Uhyeah.
That is what this is going to be, isn't it? A serious forum for debating affirmative action and the dismantling of the neo-liberal consensus? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Oh, good, because it could easily have become some sort of superficial, sycophantic, cult of Corbyn type of thing.
And we wouldn't want that, would we? John, have you seen this lighting rig? MUSIC STOPS It's a smashing bit of kit, isn't it? This is the line-up, is it? Can't say I've heard of any of the musical acts.
Pretty big acts there, John.
We've got the Magic Numbers, you've got Rae Morris, we've got Jermain Jackman.
Jermaine Jackson? No, no, Jermain Jackman.
He won The Voice, John.
Who is Kate Osamor? It says here she's Shadow Secretary of State for International Development.
Jeremy, hi.
I just wanted to check that you're happy with everything we're putting in the VIP goodie bag.
VIP? Very Important Proletariat, John.
We've got an "I heart Jeremy" bumper sticker, a "Jez We Can" mug, a "Keep Calm and Corbyn On" T-shirt.
Very good, yeah.
Look, it's just a bit of merchandise.
You've got to give the people what they want, John.
When it comes to the event itself, there will be ECHOING: .
.
a relentless focus on our agenda for radical change! NORMAL VOICE: OK? OK.
The workers.
The workers.
MAN: OK, let it go Well, they've got to be able to see it at the back.
Hello from Moscow, where it is a scorching 14 degrees.
On behalf of our glorious leader, Vladimir Putin, we welcome all fans to Russia World Cup, which we won in fair and not fixy fixy vote.
Russia invite all fans to our open and loving country.
But there are a few small things to remember.
First There are no gay people in the Russia.
Whole country, 100% certified hetero.
But if you are gay and want gay beaten out of you, that is service we offer.
Next, please respect our cultural norms and don't be not white.
If you're not white, of course you welcome in our country, but please hide all time in hotel under bed.
Trust me, it's for best.
Finally, for any England fan who is white and not gay, enjoy tournament free from discrimination.
We treat you just like everyone else.
Thank you for attention and we look forward very much to see you at next World Cup, in country even more welcoming to everyone - Qatar.
# The Murdoch Bunch # The Murdoch Bunch That is how we all became The Murdoch Bunch.
Oh, look at you kids - you look so cute.
Rupert, honey! We're ready! Oh, no.
This one's blank.
What would you write in a Father's Day card if you liked your dad? Google it.
Yeah.
Oh, here's one.
"You are my hero and my role model.
" THEY LAUGH "You are the best man I know.
" "I am truly grateful to have you in my life.
" Shh! They're coming.
ALL: Happy Father's Day.
So, what have you bought your daddy on this most special of days? I got you a bungee jump, Dad.
I got you a diving with sharks day.
I got you a running with the bulls in Pamplona gift card.
Anyone would think you lot are trying to bump me off.
THEY LAUGH What about you, numb nuts? I thought we could go for a day out on my yacht.
Now I know you're trying to bump me off.
Last time we went out on your yacht - technically my yacht, cos I bloody paid for it - I suffered a mysterious heavy blow to the head, went arse-over-tit, nearly broke me bleeding back.
You leeches were trying to Maxwell me.
We would never do that.
You are my hero and my role model.
You are the best man I know.
I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Yeah, very touching.
You should know by now, I'm indestructible, like the News Of The World.
Or should I say the Sun On Sunday? RUPERT GROANS Oh, careful, honey.
What did you get your daddy? My daddy's dead, silly.
N-Not your actual father.
I meanwhat did you get your daddy? Oh, Rupert.
You know that every day is Daddy's day in this house.
THEY SMOOCH NOISILY Oh, Jerry, spasm.
Oh, honey, do you need one of my special massages? See, kids? Your little yacht plot has totally backfired.
Ever since the accident, Jerry has taken such good care of me .
.
I feel like I'm 21 again.
Reckon I could last forever.
Shall I get the oil? That gets a big two thumbs up.
Oh, yeah.
We could try that as well.
THEY GROAN A daredevil raccoon in St Paul, Minnesota had the internet on tenterhooks this week when it spent nearly a day scaling 23 floors of a building.
I mean, what's he hoping to get, French citizenship? It's not that I've got anything against the internet, I just like shopping - actual shopping - and supporting the local community.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're closing.
But it's only 2:30.
No, we're closing down.
Oh, yes, of course.
Maureen Stephens is I always love popping in to pick up a bargain in Poundworld.
It's amazing.
Everything costs £1 .
.
including the business, it turned out.
I mean, the high street is changing so quickly.
Our local House Of Fraser is now just a house.
And Maplins is a charity shop, I think to raise money for people who used to work in Maplins.
I find there's something about being able to actually touch stuff, and you can't beat that real human interaction.
Can I get this, please? Security, this woman's acting suspiciously.
Oh, I just want to buy this.
I was going to pay for it.
Everyone knows that you come into a shop to work out what you want to buy and then you go home and buy it online for half the price.
Sling your hook, weirdo.
I try to eat out on the high street as well, if I can, but the restaurant chains are falling like dominoes.
Except Domino's.
Maureen has decided to show her granddaughter how things used to be done.
Let me show you how to pay with money.
You go up to the counter, you hand over a crisp £20 note .
.
and you get a big, heavy handful of dirty change.
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it? SHE YELPS Oh, you've got to love that human touch.
So much more personable than cybercrime, wouldn't you say? She's going to Ahoy there, me hearties.
I've got three sprogs - the heir, the spare and the spare for the spare - and I'll pick them up on Tuesday.
Oh, no, you can't leave them.
You have to supervise them at all times.
Oh, bugger it! Looks like Granny C's going to stay.
Right, off you go.
Are you here because the polo's been rained off, too? No, school Inset day.
William insisted that he and Kate have some quality time.
The last time he did that, this one came along.
WOMAN LAUGHS Well, it's great for them to burn off some energy.
Yes, and I have been looking for something for that, ever since Charles said we weren't allowed to chase them with dogs.
Oh.
Like any lady with a baby, I need to know, where's? The changing room? .
.
the bar? That's odd.
There only seems to be mixers.
Oh.
I left my hip flask in my other wellies.
Where's the girl one gone? Oh, I think she went in there.
CAMILLA SIGHS Where are the SAS when you need them? Look, I'm going in.
And if I don't make it back, tell Charles he's the best shag I ever had.
Well, top five anyway.
SHE GRUNTS Come here! One's wibbly bits are wedged.
Whee! Wait there, George.
Are you in here? Actually, this is quite fun.
Like the Grand National, but without having to shoot anything.
I found her.
She was in the balls.
Right, troops, come along.
Sorry, excuse me, are you sure she's yours? You just put them in a frock coat and some T-bar shoes and nobody knows the difference.
CAMILLA: Everybody, let's go.
Coming soon to BBC One, if you're sick of football, here's another documentary series where another random celebrity goes round looking at stuff that hasn't already been looked at by some other random celebrity.
I'm Julie Walters, and over the next six weeks I am going to be travelling the length and breadth of the country to discover Basildon must be really proud of this fatberg, Terry.
I thought the Aberdeen fatberg was special - this one is a cracker.
What a terrific fatberg.
What's it made of? Baby wipes, mainly, and oil from takeaways.
And what is that I can smell? That would be shit.
Right.
Come on, lads.
I want to see the passion of Brazil, the precision of Germany and the speed of my resignation after the group stages.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, Mr Southgate, how you doing? You super-excited about the World Soccer Series? Sorry, who are you? I'm Janice from Amazon.
Oh, good.
Have you got my order of Wagon Wheels? I haven't been able to find any in Volgograd.
No.
I'm here because Amazon owns soccer now.
Well, you say that, but at the end of the day, all you've done is bought the rights to broadcast 20 Premiership games next season.
Yeah, and 10 years ago we just sold books.
It's part of what Jeff Bezos is calling our aggressive expansion policy, which ultimately ends with us conquering Jupiter as a totally offshore tax heaven.
Blimey.
Long-term, Amazon aims to acquire .
.
well, everything.
And these soccer quarterbacks are very much on our radar.
So, what, you'd like to sponsor the England team? Hell, no! We like to take risks, but we're not insane! No, Amazon has decided the next step is to acquire the television rights to individual players, like Harry Kane.
So if you could tell him not to pass to Sterling, that would be really appreciated by corporate.
What? But that's like my main tactic for unlocking the Tunisian defence.
That may be, but BT Sport is planning to move on Sterling, so this is now a branding issue.
Uh, Kane could pass to Dele Alli.
Look, I'm not going to let some faceless corporation dictate the way my team plays football, OK? You know, managing England is a very highly-skilled job.
Yeah, I understand.
I mean, it's not as if any of us have the technology to say, "Alexa, manage the English soccer team.
" ALEXA: Selecting players, calculating strategy.
All right, all right.
Harry, can you bang it over to Alli, mate? There's a good lad.
Now we're working together.
Seriously, though, if you haven't got any Wagon Wheels, can you get me some Penguins? Passenger groups reacted with anger when Mark Carne, the boss of Network Rail, was appointed a CBE in the Queen's Birthday Honours.
SHE SCOFFS What are they going to give him next, a seat in the House of Lords? Actually, no - they should make him stand, shouldn't they? Right, folks, it's bath time.
Oh! I don't want to! Children, such bellicosity is bootless.
Nanny has spoken and must be obeyed.
Bath time it is.
Hands off our fish, fowl Spanish fishing vessel! These are British waters now.
SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, no! Without your English fish, we will have nothing to put in our paella! Taking back control of the seas, are we, Mr Rees-Mogg? That I am, Nanny.
Shouldn't they be more like SPANISH ACCENT: "Hola! "Don't forget the Common Fisheries Policy still applies "during the transition period, "so these are our waters until 2020.
" BRITISH ACCENT: "Oh, no.
"The British fishing industry will never survive that long.
"We've been sold down the river by the Tories.
" Glug, glug, glug.
That'll be all, Nanny.
Don't forget to wash your minnow.
Fancy a cuppa? Already got it covered, haven't I? I set the smart kettle to come on just before the ad break.
PHONE BEEPS Who's that texting you? The boiler.
"The temperature outside has dropped by two degrees "so your smart heating system is compensating accordingly.
" You sure it's not over-compensating? It is damn hot in here.
No, it says it is the perfect temperature.
ROBOT WHIRS Could you turn the robo-vac off? It's really starting to annoy me.
Must be malfunctioning, it's not even programmed to be on now.
Do you really need every machine in the house to be connected to the network? Get with the times, Grandad.
MUSIC PLAYS Music off.
MUSIC STUTTERS AND WARPS Curtains open.
Music off! Lights off! Music off! For heaven's sake.
I need some ice.
Bloody smart freezer! I think the boiler's just sexted me.
What the hell is that? I think it's a picture of its heating element.
Oh, God! RUSSIAN ACCENT: What are you two playing at? Nothing, boss.
You're not hacking into random people's smart appliances again, are you? We are international superpower and have important work to do.
Now, there is harmless ex-spy to poison in Chippenham Nando's.
Yes, boss.
Coming soon to BBC One, another series where the same celebrity tries some different stuff.
I'm Julie Walters and I'm going to be travelling the length and breadth of the country by rail replacement bus service.
But which is Britain's favourite? We've been waiting at this stop for seven-and-a-half hours now.
Do you think the bus is ever going to show up? No bikes on the bus.
What do you mean, I can't bring my bike on the bus? I had it on the train.
What am I supposed to do with it now? So is this your favourite? I wish I was dead.
That's Britain's Favourite Rail Replacement bus service at 8 o'clock on BBC One.
Oh, no, it's running late.
Now expected 8.
15pm.
Oh, sorry, it's been cancelled.
Where are we, Nicola? It feels particularly cold and inhospitable, even for Scotland.
It's time to address the greatest humiliation in Scotland's history.
And I don't mean what happened at Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday.
Are you still smarting about us not winning a curling medal at the Winter Olympics? Of course I am! Haven't you noticed, wee Mhairi, that to be a global superpower, you have to be successful at sport? Why do you think the Russians cheat so much? And for a while there, you know, Scotland was holding its own.
PHONE DINGS Aye.
Sir Andy Murray, Sir Chris Hoy, Sir Jocky Wilson.
Did they knight him? I don't know.
They should have.
Anyway, one's knackered, one's retired and one's dead.
But I thought we still had the curling.
What went wrong? We lost our secret weapon.
Irn-Bru.
Irn-Bru? Aye.
You can keep your steroids and your blood transfusions.
Nothing gave us the competitive edge like the rust-flavoured sugar hit of the bestselling soft drink in the Renfrewshire area.
PHONE DINGS And then those busybodies in Westminster made us reduce the sugar content.
Like finding out that it wasn't really made from girders isn't bad enough.
It's not made from girders?! Are you going to answer that or what? No.
It'll just be my Twitter trolls.
More vile abuse from narrow-minded idiots who struggle with the thought of a gay woman being an MP.
Misogynistic pricks! Aggh! Eve Muirhead? You're fired.
Would you like an Irn-Bru? Oh, yeah.
Two sugars or four? In international news, Donald Trump has signed a treaty with Kim Jong-un.
Trump said he got everything he wanted out of the deal.
Kim said he got everything he wanted too, so there.
Then Donald said, "Do you want to come and see my big house?" And Kim said, "Do you want to come to MY big house?" And Donald said, "I said it first.
Nyeh, nyeh!" And Kim said, "Yeah, but I said it best so I win "and you're a poo-poo pants.
" At least that's how I imagine it went.
I just thought I could smell something, so I thought it was best to just call the council.
Yeah.
No, you were right to call.
It's definitely an infestation.
Oh, no.
What is it, rats, termites? Worse.
Hipsters.
Looks like they've found their way into next door.
Is that what I could smell? Yeah, beard oil.
I'm surprised you didn't hear them sanding the floorboards and discussing Wes Anderson films.
See, I thought I heard something, but I didn't see anything.
No, well, you wouldn't, they're mostly out during the day, hanging around coffee shops that used to be ironmongers or playing ping-pong ironically.
How do they get in? They just follow the cycle routes until they hit somewhere unfashionable.
Can you get rid of them? Well, it's tricky, we used to smoke 'em out, but now they think we're vaping and you just attract more of them.
Can't you put some poison down or something? Not strictly legal.
Sadly.
What we can do is put a bit of bait down, some old vinyl or an artisan Scotch egg.
That draws them out.
And then we trap them and release them in Shoreditch or somewhere.
Because if you leave them, they'll just start breeding and then house prices are affected.
Will the value go down? No, up, weirdly.
No-one knows why, cos hipsters are bloody awful, but mark my words, left unchecked, they'll price you out of this place in no time.
Oh, they wouldn't be interested in this old house.
It's got the original fireplace, all the flock wallpaper, and the bathroom's from the 1930s.
Oh, God, you're going to be overrun.
Mark Rylance? Oh, no, no, please, please, don't notice me, I'm just a man, I'm nothing special Mark, it's me, Dame Judi.
Oh, my word! Oh, what an honour.
Oh, I admire your work so much.
The wonderful stories you tell.
No time for that.
I'm here because you, like me, have become something of a national treasure.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no No, don't be afraid.
It offers opportunities.
Come with me.
You see that bus shelter? Oh, yes.
I want you to throw this trainer on top of it.
Why? Just do it.
And action! Excuse me, sir.
Did you just throw a shoe on It's you, isn't it? You starred in Dunkirk.
The brave soldiers and the fishermen were the real stars.
It is you.
I love that film.
You couldn't have thrown a shoe, right? You're a national treasure.
Wh-wh-what's this feeling? It's the thrill of getting away with it, and now that you're a national treasure, you can get away with anything.
MUSIC: Anarchy In The UK by Sex Pistols # I am an antichrist # I am an anarchist # Don't know what I want but I know how to get it # I want to destroy passer-by Cos I want to be Oh, Dame Judi! What a gift.
Why share it with me? Well, I'm not getting any younger.
Time to pass on the baton.
It would have been Bradley Wiggins Anyway.
I thank you for this wonderful gift.
All right, dear, we're not at the Baftas now.
And if you ever need more tutelage, you know where to find me Oh, he's stolen my handbag.
Come back! Sam Mendes gave me that bag! Oh, sod it.
HE LAUGHS I'm Mark Rylance, and I'm king of the world! Oh, my goodness.
What have I done? Every day, millions of men around the world are enjoying things full of men.
But we can make it stop.
This is an appeal on behalf of Your donations to FWRTMUTL have already funded Ocean's 8, a summer blockbuster that ruins the franchise by stuffing it full of women.
Your previous help made possible a female Doctor Who, and a Ghostbusters remake totally riddled with wombs.
We've done so much already.
But there are still many things out there that men love that women have yet to ruin.
We need your help to push our vagenda.
Just £10 a month could buy us a female James Bond.
£15 could give the world a female England football manager.
And £20 could help our important research into creating a viable female Ross Kemp.
So, please, give what you can because with your help, women can ruin everything for men.
Expect them getting paid more, that's proving impossible.
What are you up to, old thing? I'm looking for cameras.
Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us? Right now? I don't think so.
Well, the Russians probably are.
And the CIA, I imagine.
And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no.
What's brought all this on? Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.
Oh, good, did you? No, but I decided to, and that's a start.
So I thought, "I'll watch a film.
" Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills.
And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.
Especially outside marriage.
So I watched a film called The Truman Show.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Hear me out, Philip.
Because it all adds up.
Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre.
It's all too bad to be true.
I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable.
I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless.
Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein.
But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg.
And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada.
Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian.
None of it adds up.
Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.
That's because they have to keep me on the show.
It's all designed to torment me.
I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show.
And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.
No, look, I promise you, all of this is happening for real.
Which I mean in the reassuring way.
Europe is just this little problem that will iron itself out in the next year, or 20.
What about Boris? What rational explanation could there be for him? He's just a devious narcissistic bastard, darling.
So, should I stop worrying? Yes.
Well, not about Boris, obviously, or Gove, or Barnier, but about The Theresa Show, yes.
You are not trapped in some sinister reality programme hosted by Dermot O'Leary.
That sounded very specific.
Just trust me.
You are the real Prime Minister.
Yes.
I am.
Yes, you are.
Now, you get out there and show them what you're made of.
I will.
She's onto us.