TripTank (2014) s02e03 Episode Script
Dirty Talk
1 Hello, Doctor, I've been having trouble with my eyes.
Mm-hmm.
Well, looks like you've been watching too much porn - on the internet, I'm afraid.
- Are you sure? Yes.
[techno music.]
2x03 - "Dirty Talk" Frosted Kooky Loops are a Kooky-licious part of a complete breakfast.
[laughs.]
They've got the taste kids go crazy for.
That's why I've gotta hide 'em.
[gasps.]
Oh, no.
Here they come.
[laughs.]
Ooh.
Ooh! - Got you, Kooky.
- [laughs.]
You found me.
Now, tell us where you hid your Frosted Kooky Loops.
[laughs.]
I'll never tell Hey, ow.
[laughs softly.]
I'm I'm I'm bleeding.
I'll say it again.
Tell us where you hid your Frosted Kooky Loops.
- Mama needs her sugar.
- No, you can't have them.
They're my Frosted Kooky Loops.
[laughs.]
Wrong answer, asshole.
- Sidekick! - [grunts.]
Jesus Christ.
Just eat the rest of the complete breakfast, okay? Why don't you eat it? [choking.]
[spits.]
Why are you doing this? My Frosted Kooky Loops are all I have! - They're all I have! - Boo-hoo.
[grunts.]
Hey.
I swear, you'll never get your hands on my Frosted Kooky Loops.
Never! [spits.]
Oh, that's funny.
That's exactly what the leprechaun said.
He's dead now, Kooky.
[gun cocks.]
Aah.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Where are the Kooky Loops? [sobbing.]
If you kill me, you'll never find out where they are.
[gun cocks.]
[sobs.]
You You can just buy them at a supermarket.
Any supermarket.
A box of cereal is like, what, $4? - Please.
- Last chance.
Tick-tock, Kooky.
Okay, okay.
They're in the hollow log.
I always hide them in the [bleep.]
hollow log! Thanks, Kooky.
Huh, I guess we don't - need you any more, do we? - What? B-B-But But I gave you what you want, I-I [gun clicks.]
Aaaah! [laughter.]
He's so scared.
Frosted Kooky Loops are a Kooky-licious part of a complete breakfast.
They've got the taste that kids go crazy for.
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank, this is Steve.
[woman on phone.]
Hey, Steve.
Uh hello? I'm a hot, horny, single lady waiting for you on the other end of the phone.
[woman on phone.]
What do you want to do to me? [cat purring.]
Wh-What do you mean? You can do anything you want to me, Steve.
What do you wanna do? Tell me.
Wow, uh, I guess I'd start by taking you out - to an elegant dinner.
- Yeah, fine, after that.
We're back at my place.
I'm naked on the bed.
Where in my body do you want to touch me? Okay, uh, I guess I'd touch your hair, but only if you want me to.
#RESPECTALLWOMEN.
No! Just say where you're touching me.
You don't have to do the second part.
Where else are you touching me, Steve? Okay, okay.
[clears throat.]
- I I touch your boobs.
- Yes.
Um, I-I touch your bottom.
- Oh, yeah, do it, Steve.
- But with a gentle and respectful caress.
No, just the action and the body part.
A verb and a noun.
- What? - Verb my noun, Steve.
Verb my noun! - Uh, I kiss your nipple.
- Yes! - Lick your stomach.
- Oh, verb my noun! - Sex your vagina.
- Yes, Steve, yeah! I'm sexing your vagina.
Oh, I'm touching myself, Steve.
I want you to touch yourself.
- Uh - Do it.
Okay.
[zipper pulls.]
[techno music.]
[glass shatters.]
[people screaming.]
[alarm wailing.]
It ends here, King Lhoga! Aah! [roars.]
[glass shattering.]
King Lhoga's Hyper-Flame is too strong! There's only one way I can defeat him.
Battleman X! Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: activate! Now you'll see what true power - Hey, whoa, whoa.
- What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Is that your dick? - What? What the hell else would I be talk I'm saying is that, right there, between your legs.
- Is that your dick? - No.
It's my Red Diamond Scorpion Tail! Uh, I don't know, man.
- It looks a lot like a dick.
- What? It's not really cool to whip out your dick while were fighting, - or whatever.
- It's not a dick.
Watch this.
[grunting.]
[explosion.]
[people screaming.]
- See? - Oh, okay.
If anything, I'm more convinced it's a dick now.
No.
It's an energy weapon! [grunting.]
Excuse me.
[whistles.]
Whoa, you are really consumed with that dick.
Sorry, there's a short refractory period between blasts.
Please don't say refractory.
Quit stalling and meet your fate, King Lhoga! Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: enter Mega Mode 9! Wow, that is the most dick-like thing I've ever seen, and I've fought Dickulon.
Look, I think I'm just gonna go, okay? The city is safe once again.
King Lhoga has been defeated by Battleman X.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry, excuse me.
For the record, uh, I wasn't defeated.
I'm leaving because it got weird.
[eerie music.]
[gunshot.]
[hard rock music.]
[man.]
Eighth grade home room says "hi .
" [crows cawing.]
[growling and evil laughter.]
Aah! [screams.]
No! Please, no! Oh, my God! Aah! What are you?! What are you? - I am oblivion! - Get the [bleep.]
away from me! [screams.]
Greg left this world peacefully in his sleep.
Oh, man.
What did I do? And at work, no less.
Hey, Steve, you seen a pussy around here? Jeez, no.
Why would you ask that? - Dang, man, what got stuck up your butt? - What? Were you listening? I don't know what you're talking about! I'm just looking for Ashley's dumb cat, Coconut.
Why are you acting like such a wanker? I didn't do that! I'll deny it until I die.
You know what? You're too tense, man.
You need to take a load off.
Shut up, dude.
No, I didn't.
Well, I don't know why you're being such a dick, man.
But I gotta go find this pussy.
Oh, God, I'm a terrible person.
Here, Coconut.
Come little 'nut.
[Roy.]
I'm gonna give you a spanking if you don't come.
[techno music.]
Three aliens came from the sky The galactic counsel sent them And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait, what? [crying.]
Everything okay, buddy? Last year for my birthday, I was still with Linda.
We ate banana splits and made love until dawn.
Today, nobody even remembered it was my birthday.
- Uh we remembered.
- You did? Of course we did.
- We even got you a present.
- We did? Uh-huh.
We got you this thing.
Guys, it's okay if you forgot my birthday, but there's no need to be dicks about it.
It'll let you see into the future.
Oh, oh, my God! What's happening? What's happening here? Nice.
Now just tell me what you want to see, and I'll punch it in.
That's easy, I wanna know if I ever get - back together with Linda.
- All righty, 2045 Maybe there'll be something to look forward to.
[screams.]
Oh, no! Oh, no! - Here you go.
- Linda.
[laughs softly.]
- Stay strong.
- What's up, babe? Oh, great.
She ends up with that guy? Okay, well, maybe it's not that serious.
- [gasps.]
It's our son.
- God damn it! [gong rings out.]
You know perfectly well the penalty for feeding these worms.
- No, no, no, please.
- Nothing is above my law, you see? Not even Mommy and Daddy.
Kill them! [heavy gunfire.]
Nothing will stop the march of progress! Whoa! [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
I have to stop them.
[laughter.]
I can't wait to get you home Hey! You're the bad man who touched my private places.
- What? - Babe, I swear to God I have no idea who this girl is.
- Yes you do.
- Who are you?! Who are you?! Oh, shoot, I forgot the next line.
Sorry, Uncle Jeff.
Uncle Jeff? - No! - I knew it.
Linda.
Yeah, I'm just [gasps.]
just her acting coach.
She just got the lead in the school play - Mm, mm-hmm.
- And I'm helping her get into the character.
She's playing a a molested child, so - This has got to be the most pathetic thing - You don't understand.
You and Chet cannot be together, all right? It is not good for the future - Ugh, not this again.
- Jesus.
It's been eight months.
- Get over her, bro.
- Come on, Chet.
[bleep.]
loser! [sighs.]
- Can we still get ice cream? - No.
Okay, time for the long game.
I'm gonna subscribe him to this bicycle magazine.
Then switch his seat with one that's been proven to lower sperm count.
- Within a year, I can - There's no time for that! The seed of the monster is in his balls right now.
Rawr.
[laughs.]
Rawr.
[gasps.]
[trash rattling.]
- Whoa, what was that? - What? I think it was just a cat, babe.
[muffled protests.]
- Ugh huh? - Come on, come on, finish.
Look, I don't know who you are, but no one's made me blow with a hand job since the sixth grade.
[laughs.]
So Well, you've never gotten a hand job from me.
I've been practicing multiple times a day for more than 15 years.
[dramatic music.]
[moaning.]
Ungh.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Worst birthday ever.
[techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, Steve.
This is your mechanic.
I'm calling to give you a breakdown of what we did to your car today.
- Oh, okay.
- So, I got under the hood, looked everything over.
I lubed up your pistons.
I had to manually work them in and out to get the smooth pumping.
- In and out, and in and out.
- Uh, oh, no.
I shortened your stroke and then I noticed you had a bent rod - Oh, God.
- so I lubed that up too.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Steve, I want you to lick my headlights.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
Tease my carburetor until I internally combust.
Oh, the horsepower! The horsepower! [unzips.]
[dark music.]
[gun whirring.]
[dinosaur wails.]
[beeping.]
[hard rock music.]
[man.]
Yeah, baby.
Time machine.
[heroic music.]
Things may be bleak, for they are many, and we are few.
But we are Romans! So when you are surrounded by those cursed barbarian hordes, remember: come back with your shield or upon it! - Um, yeah, what if we lose our shields? - What? If we lose our shields, can we still come home? - Yeah, can we? - You are not going to lose your shields.
- Yeah, but what if we do? - You won't.
Oh, I know a guy who lost his shield once.
Who? Who do you know who lost his shield?! - Jack.
- Jack lost his shield? Enough! No one will lose their shields! [heroic music.]
What about our swords? If we lose our swords, will there be extras at the battle? Oh, now come on.
You won't lose your sword.
- I lost my sword.
- But how? Enough joking around.
- Where is it? - Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be lost.
- You can have mine.
- Then what would you use? - Oh, yeah - [sighs.]
You will fight with your hands, proud, like a Roman man.
- Aw, there's pebbles in my sandals.
- Well, shake them out! Can we get lunch before the battle? - No.
- You know, I really fight better when there's something in my system.
- Oh, fine, where? - Indian! No, no, no.
Indian's too far.
- Ooh, how about Chinese? - I don't like Chinese.
Thai? How can you not like Chinese but like Thai? Come on, they're different.
Racist.
Enough with this nonsense! - Oh, ooh, how bout Tex-Mex? - Yeah! [both.]
Enchiladas! [sputtering.]
Aah! [grunts.]
Don't forget your shield! I like him.
[techno music.]
[techno music.]
[laughter.]
Dude, I got an idea.
[laughs.]
[snores.]
[laughter.]
You sure can drink a lot of water, kid.
[laughs.]
Come on, have another cup.
Actually, I think I should go to the toilet.
Why, of course.
Toilet's right there.
[laughs.]
[whimpers.]
Oh, man, this is gonna be a sweet piss.
No! Matt, you're asleep! This is a dream! If you piss here, then you'll piss your pants in reality.
I'm a part of your mind that's still aware of your surroundings.
I'll protect you.
I can't just wake you up.
The shock would cause an insta-piss.
Aw, damn it, we'll have to wait it out in here.
[knock on door.]
I don't hear any pissing in there.
Shit, we need to get out of here.
Less rumination, more urination.
- Come on, jump out this window! - But we're on the 600th floor.
So what? This is a [bleep.]
dream! Aah! Whoa, hang on.
I'm flying.
I'm flying! Yeah, but it's just crappy floaty dream flying, not really flying-flying.
Also we're, like, two feet off the ground.
[screams briefly.]
- Okay, so, where are we? - Oh, balls.
[dramatic music.]
Uh that really makes me want to pee.
Ow! What was that for? - I'm distracting you.
- Oh! You little bastard.
Aah! [splash.]
It worked.
I don't have to pee anymore.
Kind of feel bad for kicking that little dude into the river.
Kinda.
I appear to have drifted into space.
Oh, my God! All my teeth have fallen out! I must have contracted some kind of space disease.
Oh, thank goodness! I am inexplicably now in a doctor's waiting room.
The doctor will see you now.
- Doctor, be honest, what's wrong with me? - I'm afraid it's not good.
As you can see from this x-ray, there's a bee lodged in your dick.
Oh, God, that is awful! How do I get it out? [rock music playing.]
Only one way to get a bee out of a dick, son you gotta piss it out! [laughs.]
Of course, yeah.
I'll do a piss right away.
- Stop! - Aah! It's a trap.
The goddamn dream is trying to make you pee! I got an idea.
[toilet flushing.]
[fart noise.]
Okay, there's no water nearby.
No bees.
No space diseases.
No weird bald men, all right.
We camp here until this is over.
Thank you for everything.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
Oh, God help me! - I'm on fire! - Shit! There's no water here.
W-What can I do? Something! Do something! Do anything! Aah! Oh [laughter.]
Oh, man.
He just peed himself.
Oh, man.
That's your couch, man.
[laughs.]
Oh [phone ringing.]
[whimpering.]
- That eases the burn, yeah - Here kitty, kitty.
Here, Coconut.
Where are you, you little shit? Roy, do you have a minute? Listen, I have a real problem and it's kind of embarrassing and I don't know who else to talk to about it.
Sure, buddy, man, Roy's always here for you.
This is a safe place.
If I have one failing in my life, it's that I care about my friends too damn much.
Nothing you say can shock me, and I will never judge you.
So lay it on me, best friend brother.
- What's eating you up? - Well, every time Cork it.
It's the cat! [meow.]
God damn you little shit! Get back here, Roy's gonna gitcha! [cat meows.]
[dramatic music.]
[marching.]
On my count, charge! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - I lost my shield.
[sighs.]
Has anyone else lost their shield? - We have an extra! - I-I don't want it! What, now you want me to say I want it? I'm gonna look like an asshole.
[armor rattling.]
Never mind! I'll be right there! [techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank, this is Steve.
Please don't be sexy.
Okay, I'm required by law to read the following list of 377 new federal banking regulations.
That sounds great.
And not at all stimulating.
- Let's do this.
- Here we go.
Regulation number one.
Federal law requires that all banks will now need to plan their capital requirements [crying and unzipping.]
for supporting their operations and link this clearly to their strategy [techno music.]
Well, I did it.
Finally killed that damn cat.
Ashley wanted you to catch her cat, not kill it.
Ah, shoot.
Yup, I guess that's why she was crying.
That makes a lot of sense now.
That one's on Roy.
That's Roy's bad.
- Now why are you crying? - I'm a monster.
Every time the phone rings it stimulates something in me - and I I touch myself.
- Yeah, and? Roy, I've been masturbating all day right here in the lobby.
Oh, that's nothing.
Just do what I do.
See, found this mannequin arm and sewed it right here into my jumpsuit.
- What? - Yeah, that way I always got one hand free for a little monkey slap.
Diddle-diddle-diddle.
Wait, so you've been wearing a mannequin arm this whole time? Hell yeah, man.
Remember? [dreamy harp music.]
Hey, Steve, have you seen Ashley's shitty cat? Hey, best friend brother, you can tell me anything.
Hey, Coconut, get ready to die.
Ow! Huh.
Yeah, now that I think about it, you have been wearing that fake arm since the day I met you.
Hell yeah, man, I'm never not jerking it just a little.
Are you asleep? Good.
It's time to dream.
[man whispering.]
Dream Wizard.
You finally got a date with the hottest girl in the school.
[groans.]
And not only that, it's time to make love.
And as you lie on the couch, and she sits upon you and pulls your pants down right as you're about to enter her you realize you have a baby dick.
No, no, I don't mean you have a baby-sized dick.
I mean you actually have a dick that is a baby.
[baby crying.]
[laughs.]
Like a little wovvlin' tovvlin' crying baby.
And as she tries to pull herself away, the baby says, "Mama, mama, mama.
No! Daddy!" Oh, and right after that [car honks.]
Hey, I'm coming! I'm coming! [car honks.]
You cannot rush this kind of stuff.
Sweet dreams, loser.
[gasps.]
Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: Drill Attack! Ha-ha! You touched my dick.
Aw, man, come on.
That is super gross.
Now I'll touch your dick and then we'll be even.
I hate you.
[phone rings.]
You've reached TripTank, talk to me.
Hey, Steve, it's me again.
Oh, hey.
Uh, hold on one second.
[unzips.]
All right.
Talk to me, sexy.
Put it on speaker, man.
Uh-oh, Jeff.
Without that dictator, an evil cult comes to power.
- Oh, no.
- But the leader's father is very close.
- Oh, thank God.
- And his balls are full to the brim.
You know what, I'm not a god.
It's probably not a good idea for me to keep messing with the future.
Mm-hmm.
Well, looks like you've been watching too much porn - on the internet, I'm afraid.
- Are you sure? Yes.
[techno music.]
2x03 - "Dirty Talk" Frosted Kooky Loops are a Kooky-licious part of a complete breakfast.
[laughs.]
They've got the taste kids go crazy for.
That's why I've gotta hide 'em.
[gasps.]
Oh, no.
Here they come.
[laughs.]
Ooh.
Ooh! - Got you, Kooky.
- [laughs.]
You found me.
Now, tell us where you hid your Frosted Kooky Loops.
[laughs.]
I'll never tell Hey, ow.
[laughs softly.]
I'm I'm I'm bleeding.
I'll say it again.
Tell us where you hid your Frosted Kooky Loops.
- Mama needs her sugar.
- No, you can't have them.
They're my Frosted Kooky Loops.
[laughs.]
Wrong answer, asshole.
- Sidekick! - [grunts.]
Jesus Christ.
Just eat the rest of the complete breakfast, okay? Why don't you eat it? [choking.]
[spits.]
Why are you doing this? My Frosted Kooky Loops are all I have! - They're all I have! - Boo-hoo.
[grunts.]
Hey.
I swear, you'll never get your hands on my Frosted Kooky Loops.
Never! [spits.]
Oh, that's funny.
That's exactly what the leprechaun said.
He's dead now, Kooky.
[gun cocks.]
Aah.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Where are the Kooky Loops? [sobbing.]
If you kill me, you'll never find out where they are.
[gun cocks.]
[sobs.]
You You can just buy them at a supermarket.
Any supermarket.
A box of cereal is like, what, $4? - Please.
- Last chance.
Tick-tock, Kooky.
Okay, okay.
They're in the hollow log.
I always hide them in the [bleep.]
hollow log! Thanks, Kooky.
Huh, I guess we don't - need you any more, do we? - What? B-B-But But I gave you what you want, I-I [gun clicks.]
Aaaah! [laughter.]
He's so scared.
Frosted Kooky Loops are a Kooky-licious part of a complete breakfast.
They've got the taste that kids go crazy for.
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank, this is Steve.
[woman on phone.]
Hey, Steve.
Uh hello? I'm a hot, horny, single lady waiting for you on the other end of the phone.
[woman on phone.]
What do you want to do to me? [cat purring.]
Wh-What do you mean? You can do anything you want to me, Steve.
What do you wanna do? Tell me.
Wow, uh, I guess I'd start by taking you out - to an elegant dinner.
- Yeah, fine, after that.
We're back at my place.
I'm naked on the bed.
Where in my body do you want to touch me? Okay, uh, I guess I'd touch your hair, but only if you want me to.
#RESPECTALLWOMEN.
No! Just say where you're touching me.
You don't have to do the second part.
Where else are you touching me, Steve? Okay, okay.
[clears throat.]
- I I touch your boobs.
- Yes.
Um, I-I touch your bottom.
- Oh, yeah, do it, Steve.
- But with a gentle and respectful caress.
No, just the action and the body part.
A verb and a noun.
- What? - Verb my noun, Steve.
Verb my noun! - Uh, I kiss your nipple.
- Yes! - Lick your stomach.
- Oh, verb my noun! - Sex your vagina.
- Yes, Steve, yeah! I'm sexing your vagina.
Oh, I'm touching myself, Steve.
I want you to touch yourself.
- Uh - Do it.
Okay.
[zipper pulls.]
[techno music.]
[glass shatters.]
[people screaming.]
[alarm wailing.]
It ends here, King Lhoga! Aah! [roars.]
[glass shattering.]
King Lhoga's Hyper-Flame is too strong! There's only one way I can defeat him.
Battleman X! Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: activate! Now you'll see what true power - Hey, whoa, whoa.
- What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Is that your dick? - What? What the hell else would I be talk I'm saying is that, right there, between your legs.
- Is that your dick? - No.
It's my Red Diamond Scorpion Tail! Uh, I don't know, man.
- It looks a lot like a dick.
- What? It's not really cool to whip out your dick while were fighting, - or whatever.
- It's not a dick.
Watch this.
[grunting.]
[explosion.]
[people screaming.]
- See? - Oh, okay.
If anything, I'm more convinced it's a dick now.
No.
It's an energy weapon! [grunting.]
Excuse me.
[whistles.]
Whoa, you are really consumed with that dick.
Sorry, there's a short refractory period between blasts.
Please don't say refractory.
Quit stalling and meet your fate, King Lhoga! Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: enter Mega Mode 9! Wow, that is the most dick-like thing I've ever seen, and I've fought Dickulon.
Look, I think I'm just gonna go, okay? The city is safe once again.
King Lhoga has been defeated by Battleman X.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry, excuse me.
For the record, uh, I wasn't defeated.
I'm leaving because it got weird.
[eerie music.]
[gunshot.]
[hard rock music.]
[man.]
Eighth grade home room says "hi .
" [crows cawing.]
[growling and evil laughter.]
Aah! [screams.]
No! Please, no! Oh, my God! Aah! What are you?! What are you? - I am oblivion! - Get the [bleep.]
away from me! [screams.]
Greg left this world peacefully in his sleep.
Oh, man.
What did I do? And at work, no less.
Hey, Steve, you seen a pussy around here? Jeez, no.
Why would you ask that? - Dang, man, what got stuck up your butt? - What? Were you listening? I don't know what you're talking about! I'm just looking for Ashley's dumb cat, Coconut.
Why are you acting like such a wanker? I didn't do that! I'll deny it until I die.
You know what? You're too tense, man.
You need to take a load off.
Shut up, dude.
No, I didn't.
Well, I don't know why you're being such a dick, man.
But I gotta go find this pussy.
Oh, God, I'm a terrible person.
Here, Coconut.
Come little 'nut.
[Roy.]
I'm gonna give you a spanking if you don't come.
[techno music.]
Three aliens came from the sky The galactic counsel sent them And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait, what? [crying.]
Everything okay, buddy? Last year for my birthday, I was still with Linda.
We ate banana splits and made love until dawn.
Today, nobody even remembered it was my birthday.
- Uh we remembered.
- You did? Of course we did.
- We even got you a present.
- We did? Uh-huh.
We got you this thing.
Guys, it's okay if you forgot my birthday, but there's no need to be dicks about it.
It'll let you see into the future.
Oh, oh, my God! What's happening? What's happening here? Nice.
Now just tell me what you want to see, and I'll punch it in.
That's easy, I wanna know if I ever get - back together with Linda.
- All righty, 2045 Maybe there'll be something to look forward to.
[screams.]
Oh, no! Oh, no! - Here you go.
- Linda.
[laughs softly.]
- Stay strong.
- What's up, babe? Oh, great.
She ends up with that guy? Okay, well, maybe it's not that serious.
- [gasps.]
It's our son.
- God damn it! [gong rings out.]
You know perfectly well the penalty for feeding these worms.
- No, no, no, please.
- Nothing is above my law, you see? Not even Mommy and Daddy.
Kill them! [heavy gunfire.]
Nothing will stop the march of progress! Whoa! [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
I have to stop them.
[laughter.]
I can't wait to get you home Hey! You're the bad man who touched my private places.
- What? - Babe, I swear to God I have no idea who this girl is.
- Yes you do.
- Who are you?! Who are you?! Oh, shoot, I forgot the next line.
Sorry, Uncle Jeff.
Uncle Jeff? - No! - I knew it.
Linda.
Yeah, I'm just [gasps.]
just her acting coach.
She just got the lead in the school play - Mm, mm-hmm.
- And I'm helping her get into the character.
She's playing a a molested child, so - This has got to be the most pathetic thing - You don't understand.
You and Chet cannot be together, all right? It is not good for the future - Ugh, not this again.
- Jesus.
It's been eight months.
- Get over her, bro.
- Come on, Chet.
[bleep.]
loser! [sighs.]
- Can we still get ice cream? - No.
Okay, time for the long game.
I'm gonna subscribe him to this bicycle magazine.
Then switch his seat with one that's been proven to lower sperm count.
- Within a year, I can - There's no time for that! The seed of the monster is in his balls right now.
Rawr.
[laughs.]
Rawr.
[gasps.]
[trash rattling.]
- Whoa, what was that? - What? I think it was just a cat, babe.
[muffled protests.]
- Ugh huh? - Come on, come on, finish.
Look, I don't know who you are, but no one's made me blow with a hand job since the sixth grade.
[laughs.]
So Well, you've never gotten a hand job from me.
I've been practicing multiple times a day for more than 15 years.
[dramatic music.]
[moaning.]
Ungh.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Worst birthday ever.
[techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, Steve.
This is your mechanic.
I'm calling to give you a breakdown of what we did to your car today.
- Oh, okay.
- So, I got under the hood, looked everything over.
I lubed up your pistons.
I had to manually work them in and out to get the smooth pumping.
- In and out, and in and out.
- Uh, oh, no.
I shortened your stroke and then I noticed you had a bent rod - Oh, God.
- so I lubed that up too.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Steve, I want you to lick my headlights.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
Tease my carburetor until I internally combust.
Oh, the horsepower! The horsepower! [unzips.]
[dark music.]
[gun whirring.]
[dinosaur wails.]
[beeping.]
[hard rock music.]
[man.]
Yeah, baby.
Time machine.
[heroic music.]
Things may be bleak, for they are many, and we are few.
But we are Romans! So when you are surrounded by those cursed barbarian hordes, remember: come back with your shield or upon it! - Um, yeah, what if we lose our shields? - What? If we lose our shields, can we still come home? - Yeah, can we? - You are not going to lose your shields.
- Yeah, but what if we do? - You won't.
Oh, I know a guy who lost his shield once.
Who? Who do you know who lost his shield?! - Jack.
- Jack lost his shield? Enough! No one will lose their shields! [heroic music.]
What about our swords? If we lose our swords, will there be extras at the battle? Oh, now come on.
You won't lose your sword.
- I lost my sword.
- But how? Enough joking around.
- Where is it? - Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be lost.
- You can have mine.
- Then what would you use? - Oh, yeah - [sighs.]
You will fight with your hands, proud, like a Roman man.
- Aw, there's pebbles in my sandals.
- Well, shake them out! Can we get lunch before the battle? - No.
- You know, I really fight better when there's something in my system.
- Oh, fine, where? - Indian! No, no, no.
Indian's too far.
- Ooh, how about Chinese? - I don't like Chinese.
Thai? How can you not like Chinese but like Thai? Come on, they're different.
Racist.
Enough with this nonsense! - Oh, ooh, how bout Tex-Mex? - Yeah! [both.]
Enchiladas! [sputtering.]
Aah! [grunts.]
Don't forget your shield! I like him.
[techno music.]
[techno music.]
[laughter.]
Dude, I got an idea.
[laughs.]
[snores.]
[laughter.]
You sure can drink a lot of water, kid.
[laughs.]
Come on, have another cup.
Actually, I think I should go to the toilet.
Why, of course.
Toilet's right there.
[laughs.]
[whimpers.]
Oh, man, this is gonna be a sweet piss.
No! Matt, you're asleep! This is a dream! If you piss here, then you'll piss your pants in reality.
I'm a part of your mind that's still aware of your surroundings.
I'll protect you.
I can't just wake you up.
The shock would cause an insta-piss.
Aw, damn it, we'll have to wait it out in here.
[knock on door.]
I don't hear any pissing in there.
Shit, we need to get out of here.
Less rumination, more urination.
- Come on, jump out this window! - But we're on the 600th floor.
So what? This is a [bleep.]
dream! Aah! Whoa, hang on.
I'm flying.
I'm flying! Yeah, but it's just crappy floaty dream flying, not really flying-flying.
Also we're, like, two feet off the ground.
[screams briefly.]
- Okay, so, where are we? - Oh, balls.
[dramatic music.]
Uh that really makes me want to pee.
Ow! What was that for? - I'm distracting you.
- Oh! You little bastard.
Aah! [splash.]
It worked.
I don't have to pee anymore.
Kind of feel bad for kicking that little dude into the river.
Kinda.
I appear to have drifted into space.
Oh, my God! All my teeth have fallen out! I must have contracted some kind of space disease.
Oh, thank goodness! I am inexplicably now in a doctor's waiting room.
The doctor will see you now.
- Doctor, be honest, what's wrong with me? - I'm afraid it's not good.
As you can see from this x-ray, there's a bee lodged in your dick.
Oh, God, that is awful! How do I get it out? [rock music playing.]
Only one way to get a bee out of a dick, son you gotta piss it out! [laughs.]
Of course, yeah.
I'll do a piss right away.
- Stop! - Aah! It's a trap.
The goddamn dream is trying to make you pee! I got an idea.
[toilet flushing.]
[fart noise.]
Okay, there's no water nearby.
No bees.
No space diseases.
No weird bald men, all right.
We camp here until this is over.
Thank you for everything.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
Oh, God help me! - I'm on fire! - Shit! There's no water here.
W-What can I do? Something! Do something! Do anything! Aah! Oh [laughter.]
Oh, man.
He just peed himself.
Oh, man.
That's your couch, man.
[laughs.]
Oh [phone ringing.]
[whimpering.]
- That eases the burn, yeah - Here kitty, kitty.
Here, Coconut.
Where are you, you little shit? Roy, do you have a minute? Listen, I have a real problem and it's kind of embarrassing and I don't know who else to talk to about it.
Sure, buddy, man, Roy's always here for you.
This is a safe place.
If I have one failing in my life, it's that I care about my friends too damn much.
Nothing you say can shock me, and I will never judge you.
So lay it on me, best friend brother.
- What's eating you up? - Well, every time Cork it.
It's the cat! [meow.]
God damn you little shit! Get back here, Roy's gonna gitcha! [cat meows.]
[dramatic music.]
[marching.]
On my count, charge! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - I lost my shield.
[sighs.]
Has anyone else lost their shield? - We have an extra! - I-I don't want it! What, now you want me to say I want it? I'm gonna look like an asshole.
[armor rattling.]
Never mind! I'll be right there! [techno music.]
[phone rings.]
Hello, TripTank, this is Steve.
Please don't be sexy.
Okay, I'm required by law to read the following list of 377 new federal banking regulations.
That sounds great.
And not at all stimulating.
- Let's do this.
- Here we go.
Regulation number one.
Federal law requires that all banks will now need to plan their capital requirements [crying and unzipping.]
for supporting their operations and link this clearly to their strategy [techno music.]
Well, I did it.
Finally killed that damn cat.
Ashley wanted you to catch her cat, not kill it.
Ah, shoot.
Yup, I guess that's why she was crying.
That makes a lot of sense now.
That one's on Roy.
That's Roy's bad.
- Now why are you crying? - I'm a monster.
Every time the phone rings it stimulates something in me - and I I touch myself.
- Yeah, and? Roy, I've been masturbating all day right here in the lobby.
Oh, that's nothing.
Just do what I do.
See, found this mannequin arm and sewed it right here into my jumpsuit.
- What? - Yeah, that way I always got one hand free for a little monkey slap.
Diddle-diddle-diddle.
Wait, so you've been wearing a mannequin arm this whole time? Hell yeah, man.
Remember? [dreamy harp music.]
Hey, Steve, have you seen Ashley's shitty cat? Hey, best friend brother, you can tell me anything.
Hey, Coconut, get ready to die.
Ow! Huh.
Yeah, now that I think about it, you have been wearing that fake arm since the day I met you.
Hell yeah, man, I'm never not jerking it just a little.
Are you asleep? Good.
It's time to dream.
[man whispering.]
Dream Wizard.
You finally got a date with the hottest girl in the school.
[groans.]
And not only that, it's time to make love.
And as you lie on the couch, and she sits upon you and pulls your pants down right as you're about to enter her you realize you have a baby dick.
No, no, I don't mean you have a baby-sized dick.
I mean you actually have a dick that is a baby.
[baby crying.]
[laughs.]
Like a little wovvlin' tovvlin' crying baby.
And as she tries to pull herself away, the baby says, "Mama, mama, mama.
No! Daddy!" Oh, and right after that [car honks.]
Hey, I'm coming! I'm coming! [car honks.]
You cannot rush this kind of stuff.
Sweet dreams, loser.
[gasps.]
Red Diamond Scorpion Tail: Drill Attack! Ha-ha! You touched my dick.
Aw, man, come on.
That is super gross.
Now I'll touch your dick and then we'll be even.
I hate you.
[phone rings.]
You've reached TripTank, talk to me.
Hey, Steve, it's me again.
Oh, hey.
Uh, hold on one second.
[unzips.]
All right.
Talk to me, sexy.
Put it on speaker, man.
Uh-oh, Jeff.
Without that dictator, an evil cult comes to power.
- Oh, no.
- But the leader's father is very close.
- Oh, thank God.
- And his balls are full to the brim.
You know what, I'm not a god.
It's probably not a good idea for me to keep messing with the future.