Two and a Half Men s02e03 Episode Script

I don't know what he did, Charlie.
The teacher called and told me to come get him.
I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under bleachers he didn't get it from me.
What? I said, he didn't.
Well, I can assure you he did not learn that kind of crass behavior from me.
Maybe I should wait in the hall.
Hold on.
What is he doing here? Well, my car is in the shop, and Charlie was nice enough to give me a ride.
No, Charlie was nice enough to call you a cab, but you wouldn't take it.
So, what's going on? Your son gave his teacher the bird.
Okay, I want it on the record that he didn't necessarily Charlie, just leave it alone.
What exactly happened? I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him.
- Is this true? - Yeah, I really thought she couldn't see.
I'm afraid this kind of behavior is grounds for suspension.
- Maybe we can catch a matinee.
- Yeah.
Jake, why did you flip Miss Pasternak off? Excuse me.
We don't end our sentences with prepositions.
We say, "Why did you flip off Miss Pasternak?" I think that answers your question.
Jake, why did you flip off Miss Pasternak? Because she picks on me.
Jake, I don't treat you any differently than any of the other students.
- Yeah, right.
- Shut up.
You know, I'd like to talk to your parents alone.
- Come on, Jake.
- What, I don't even get to tell my side? Buddy, you're 11.
You have no side.
This isn't my fault.
I was provoked.
- You were provoked? - Yeah, it means I know what it means.
And it doesn't matter.
What you need to do now is apologize.
- But I'm not sorry.
- You don't have to be sorry.
Just say it and look it.
You've got those big, cute kid eyes.
Use them.
- That would be lying.
- That's your line in the sand? You muttonhead, you just flipped off your teacher.
- Yeah, but I was being honest.
- And look where it got you.
I think I just lost my innocence.
He's really a very well-behaved boy but he has had some problems dealing with our separation.
That's true.
Although it wasn't so much a separation as a kicking out.
I sympathize, but if I gave special consideration to every child whose parents are going through divorce, I'd be getting the finger all day.
We're not saying he shouldn't be punished.
- He certainly should.
- But just let us try to handle it.
By "us" he means me.
I always have to be the bad guy.
You're better at it than me.
Than I.
You are such an ass.
- Can we have a moment, please? - I think that'd be a good idea.
And it's, "May we have a moment, please?" Stop it.
Miss Pasternak.
I'm sorry, we haven't officially met.
- I'm Jake's uncle, Charlie.
- Hello.
And I am really sorry.
This may not be my place and if it's not, I am really sorry but Jake has something he wants to say.
I am really sorry.
- And I'm really sorry too.
- Why are you sorry? The kid may have gotten the rude gesture from me.
I'm not used to being around children and, well, I am really sorry.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it, but it doesn't change what Jake did.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Jake, go to the vending machine and get Miss Pasternak a peach Snapple and a bag of Skittles.
It is Miss Pasternak, right? Now, this one's called "Read Between the Lines.
" You're giving the finger, but you've got plausible deniability.
Cool.
Like the Itchy Eye.
Exactly.
Now, this one's called "the Slow Crank.
" Charlie.
As you can see, it's effective but lacks deniability.
- Dad, check it out.
Balloon Finger.
- Okay, that's enough.
Do we need to be teaching him more ways to flip people off? Flip off people.
Charlie, do you realize how close he came to being suspended today? - I do.
- And do you understand how lucky we are Miss Pasternak decided to give him a chance? Lucky? Sure, why not.
Let's call it luck.
What does that mean? It means I'm too modest to call it skill.
- Hey, Dad.
- What? How come only one finger is the bad finger? I don't know, Jake.
This one's okay, right? Right.
- Dad.
- What? Anything? No.
I don't get it.
Who decides? Uncle Charlie, I had a weird dream.
And it's getting weirder.
Hey, buddy.
Why aren't you asleep? I'm hoping I am.
- Hello, Jake.
- Hello, Miss Pasternak.
Listen, buddy, Miss Pasternak and I are kind of having a sleepover.
Because we're like, you know, friends.
No way.
Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8: 15 to 3:00.
After that I'm just a person like anybody else.
This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Okay, why don't we wrap up this after-school special and call it a night.
Don't worry.
This won't change anything between us at school.
So you're still gonna be mean to me? That's right.
Same old junkyard dog.
- Come on, buddy.
Get some sleep.
- Oh, yeah.
Like I'm gonna sleep now.
- Do you think he'll be okay? - Sure.
He's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom.
And her pants.
I'll talk to him in the morning and make sure he's okay and that he keeps this to himself.
- Thank you, Charlie.
Oh, Miss Pasternak.
Why do you never call me by my first name? I don't know.
This just seems way hotter.
- Charlie? - Yes, Miss Pasternak.
Do you think Jake believes we're just friends? Why not? We are, right? I mean, once I get to know you better I'm pretty sure I'd consider you a friend.
Charlie, we both know there's much more than friendship going on between you and me.
- Much more? How much more? Well, I know this is pretty quick and I don't wanna use the L word - Good.
Thank you.
but this feels an awful lot like love.
I'm sorry, which L word didn't you want to use? Oh, Charlie.
Come on.
- Let's go to sleep.
- Yeah.
Like I'm gonna sleep now.
- Morning.
What are you doing? - Morning.
Making my world-famous huevos rancheros for my brother and nephew.
No kidding.
What stupid thing did you do you're trying to make up for? Why do you always just assume that? I slept with Jake's teacher.
Oh, Charlie, did you learn nothing from the den-mother fiasco? It gets worse.
The kid found out.
- What about your brother? - He doesn't know yet.
Oh, hey, you made breakfast.
What's the occasion? No occasion.
Just trying to help out.
Well, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Good morning, Berta.
Morning, you goofy, clueless bastard.
Nice to see her in a pleasant mood for a change.
Yeah.
Sit down.
Have some huevos.
- Fresh-squeezed orange juice.
- You squeezed this? No, it says it on the can.
Okay, what stupid thing did you do? Well, funny thing I slept with Miss Pasternak.
Charlie, what were you thinking? What if Jake finds out? Okay Oh, no! Oh, no! How? - He woke up in the middle of the night - You brought her here? Did you learn nothing from the den-mother fiasco? - Hey, I kept him from getting suspended.
- Oh, that's how? - You're welcome.
- Are you crazy? No, but I have a sneaking suspicion Miss Pasternak may be.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
So how did Jake take it? Did he freak out? Not as much as you.
- Morning.
- See? He's fine.
Jake, do you wanna talk about what you saw last night with Uncle Charlie and Miss Pasternak? Oh, God.
That really happened? Good, Alan.
Way to go.
Dad, can I be homeschooled? Listen, Jake.
Don't worry.
You go to school, don't say anything to anybody.
I'll tell her I can't see her anymore and we'll forget this happened.
Man, it's like Cub Scouts all over again.
- I hope you saved room for dessert.
- I saved room for you.
You sure? Because I'm just empty calories.
How about a nice fruit cup? Two fruit cups, please.
Listen, Delores.
We need to talk.
Oh, call me Miss Pasternak.
No, let's keep this friendly.
Dolores, you're a terrific woman and I've enjoyed being with you very much but I know deep in my heart that you can do so much better than me.
- Okay.
I understand.
- Good.
Thank you.
You're insecure.
But don't worry.
I am not going to abandon you.
No, no, no, that's not what I'm worried about.
See, Delores I'm a bad man.
I'm a player.
I go from woman to woman and then Charlie, that's the past.
I'm not going to give up on us, and you wanna know why? Why? Because somebody told me that we belong together.
Really? It can't be somebody who knows me.
Oh, he knows you very well.
And he loves you even more than I do.
Our union has been ordained, Charlie.
What? Come again? After we fornicated I prayed for forgiveness and I was told not to worry about it.
By the same guy? There's only one guy, Charlie.
And his loving hand has been guiding me ever since I quit pole dancing in Reno.
No kidding.
Which club? - Did you dress like a schoolteacher? - It doesn't matter.
What matters is the same hand that delivered me from my life of degradation has brought me to you.
For what? More degradation? No.
To help you become a better man.
To achieve your potential.
Now sit up straight and eat your fruit.
- All right.
- All right, what? All right, Miss Pasternak.
Hey, Charlie.
Guess who.
I know we didn 't make plans for tonight but we really should get together and talk more about this path we are on and where it's heading.
We know where it's heading but it would mean a lot to me to hear the words come out of your mouth.
Your beautiful, blessed mouth.
Call me, sweetheart.
Boy, it's weird being on the other side of one of these calls.
I can imagine.
Well? - Professional opinion? - Please.
Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Yeah, I thought so.
I mean, she barely knows you.
Where does she get off being so forward? Rose, we had one night together and you handcuffed yourself to my refrigerator.
That was different.
We were meant to be together.
Okay, I was gonna ask you the best way to end this but I realize now that breakups may be outside your area of expertise.
Yeah.
I do mate for life.
I'm like a penguin that way.
Plus, I like to slide across the ice on my belly.
Uncle Charlie, guess what happened with Miss Pasternak today.
- I'm just about to break up with her.
- Oh, no, don't, don't.
- Why not? - Look at this.
Hey, you got an A in history.
- Way to go, Jake.
- Look at his answers.
"Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation in pen.
" For this he got an A? Everybody got an A.
She was, like, happy all day.
She even gave me back my fake dog poop.
Charlie, I gave you this poop.
You broke into my house and left it on my pillow.
Still, you regifted.
And I thought you were a classy guy.
Jake, why don't you go to your room and do your homework.
She didn't give us any.
First time ever.
I love you, Uncle Charlie.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think you know what you have to do.
- Break up with Miss Pasternak, right? - Hell, no.
He's getting A's.
He hasn't gotten an A since naptime in kindergarten.
- But he's not learning anything.
- Charlie, get your priorities straight.
I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school.
After he's accepted he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't "a bag full of jawea.
" - Ready for dinner? - Charlie! It's so good to see you.
It's okay to see you too.
- Charlie.
- What? - Gum.
- Oh, sorry.
What a great day I had.
All the kids were so well-behaved.
Even Jake.
- That's nice.
- Can I tell you a little secret? I never really cared for Jake.
But you said you treated him like all the other kids.
Well, you have to say that.
So where are we going to dinner? I hadn't really decided.
You came unprepared? Charlie, you have so much potential if only you'd apply yourself.
All right, I gotta tell you.
My weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high but you are clearing it in street shoes.
You're mad at me.
- No, no.
- Yes, you are.
- No, no.
Not Not mad.
- Then what's your problem? Nothing.
Forget it.
Let's just have a nice evening.
Oh, Charlie, that is so sweet.
Let's never fight again.
Oh, no.
I hate it.
Hey, can I use the restroom? May I use the restroom? Oh, right.
- May I? - You're excused.
Thank you.
Charlie.
Look, I'm really sorry it didn't work out with Miss Pasternak.
You gotta know, I went the extra mile to make her happy.
Alan, you know what that means, and Jake, you'll understand someday.
Oh, come on, guys.
I said I'm sorry.
Okay, she's being really unfair with all this homework.
You know what I'll do? I'm gonna complain to the principal.
Maybe you should date the principal.
Very funny.
Is that an option? Because I would if it would get me out of writing 2500 words on The Red Badge of Courage.
Man, book reports suck.
- Dad.
- Yeah? Please keep him away from my karate teacher.