Ugly Americans (2010) s02e03 Episode Script

[heartbeat.]
- Congratulations, detective brock.
The answers to all your questions From the last six years lays behind that door.
- I've exhausted every plausible theory.
I can't imagine a satisfying ending To this twisty adventure.
- Sometimes the road to discovery Can lead down confusing paths.
- Wow, what a weird dream.
I can't wait to tell god about it.
- Wow.
- Oh! - Ah, it was all an angel's dream.
Uh, what a way to tie up the series.
- Agreed.
Genius.
- You know, I thought They'd written themselves into a corner, But cuse and lindelof have done it again.
They get me every time, those two.
- Grimes, you're awfully quiet.
What did you think of the ending? - [growling.]
an angel's dream? You can't end a series after six goddamn seasons With an angel's dream! - Hey, that's-- - ah! - As god is my witness, someone's gonna pay for this! - I don't feel well.
- Ow! No hotter than usual.
- Well, then there's something wrong with your hand.
- You're just feeling upset that your father Is pressuring you to take over his job.
- I'll pretend I have laryngitis.
Then maybe daddy will pick someone else.
- At least you have a father to disappoint.
I haven't seen my dad since my fifth birthday.
- What happened to him? - Mom says he's still stuck in traffic, But something about that doesn't seem right to me.
You know, I drew this when I was five.
That's how I'll always remember us.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my god, dude.
While I was touching my penis just now, You were touching my heart.
I've filmed you guys having sex hundreds of times, And I made a pretty good living off it.
But now I'm boxed in as a porno director, And hollywood won't touch me.
If I could document your quest to find your father, I might just be able to revive my career.
I'll try if you will.
- You know, I am really gonna need all that sex footage back.
- Okay, well, that, I'm afraid, you have to take up With hardcore muff productions, because that's not even a thing That I, you know, control.
- So that's how I, as your next chief operating officer Of demonic affairs, will use spam-- - Aldermack, we know you want your daughter to replace you, But can you at least pretend to pay attention To the other candidates? - Hey, I have a high score going.
- And I'm not talking about, uh, the canned meat.
I'm talking about annoying emails.
- He totally butchered that.
- No, no.
He was great.
Ooh.
- Okay, cathy.
Who's up next? - Callie maggotbone.
- [raspingly.]
I'm sorry, but I have laryngitis, So I didn't have time to prepare anything.
- So it's lucky she made this video presentation beforehand.
- When you hear the name callie maggotbone, You think of two things: Boobs and evil.
- Well, I know who gets my vote.
Round one goes to callie, right, gentlemen? - Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ugh.
Thanks a lot, twayne.
- I'm gonna be the best damned wife A ceo of hell's ever had, callie.
- I don't want the position.
- This job only comes around once every 35 years, And I'm not gonna let you blow it for me-- I mean us.
- Whoa.
- My bacon-wrapped figs! You oaf! - Sorry about that.
You wanted to see me? - Yes.
Grimes has been busting people Who liked the ending of his favorite tv show.
Here's his dossier.
Read it and fix him! But not before you close your eyes And taste this stuffed mushroom.
- Great mouth feel.
Uh, needs a little pepper.
- You picked a great day for a ride-along, lilly.
Sun's shining and plenty of crime on the streets.
- Please let me go.
I'll take back my glowing review Of dishonorable discharge.
- Shut up, washington post's esteemed tv critic tom shales.
- Grimes, you've been suspended.
We definitely should not be in a d.
O.
I.
Car.
- Mark, you need to shift the conversation Back to your father.
Remember what we talked about in bed? - There is a deep well of feelings and memories About my father, randall, but right now, We are here to help grimes.
- You want to help? Flip on that siren for me, jimmy.
- Did you just call me jimmy? - It's fine.
We'll fix it in post.
Keep going.
- I don't hear siren, jimmy.
- Well, I didn't realize a civilian was allowed To touch the equipment like that, but, uh [siren wailing.]
- [growls.]
[tires squealing.]
- oh, my god.
Grimes is having some sort of psychological episode.
[screaming.]
- Do something, tom shales.
- [growling.]
- Another clean collar, sarge.
- Real clean, kid.
First day on the force, And you just busted your new partner.
- Good work, rookie.
You just ruined a seven-month sting.
- But why would a cop dress like a pimp? - Jimmy's a master of disguise.
You two are gonna work undercover.
- Rookies.
- Can't live with 'em.
Can't shoot 'em in the leg.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- I never heard that one.
[gunshot.]
- ow! - [laughs.]
- I'm gonna feel that in the morning.
Stupid rookies.
[laughing.]
Where am I? - What the hell are you doing here, grimes? You know damn well that court order Forbids you from being within two blocks of the station.
- It's okay.
I'm his therapist.
This is part of his healing process.
I can speak to this from personal experience, Having gone through a very damaging crisis myself, Growing up without a father.
- Okay, hey, mark, uh, I think we're-- I think we're good on the dad thing.
You know what? We're probably just gonna take it In a little bit of a different direction And go with the psycho cop angle.
So just find your moments, or I will cut around you.
- Wait, grimes.
I didn't know you used to be a real cop.
- Me neither.
I always wondered what I was doing in the '70s.
I've repressed everything between 1975 and '79.
- Says here you were dishonorably discharged? - You bastard! You think I've forgotten about your series finale Taking a hot dump all over my expectations? - I'm sensing a connection here.
Tight on me.
I'm gonna try something.
Hey, francis.
Hi, buddy.
Hey, you know what I find myself wondering? I'm wondering, "how would lieutenant grimes Have written that final episode of dishonorable discharge"? - Well, I'd lose the angel, for starters.
Or at least she'd go back to sleep and continue dreaming Until she reached an acceptable ending to the goddamn show.
- Tell me we got that.
- I can't believe I thought you were leading man material, Because you have the personality of particleboard.
- Well, kitten, the competition to replace me Enters its second phase tomorrow.
What's your strategy for the all-important death-cathalon? - Daddy, has it ever occurred to you That I don't want to replace you? - Of course it has.
I just don't give a [bleep.]
.
I'm not going to choose someone "based on merit" Like donald trump on the apprentice.
I'm going to hire my unqualified daughter Like donald trump in real life.
- Hmm.
- Pretty good, huh? Did you like the gypsy transvestite character, mark? She's based on you.
- No, I did not.
How about we talk about your ending? - What about it? - You didn't write one.
- I did, and it's pretty damn great.
The last pages are sealed in an aluminum tube That I shoved up my ass.
If you'll give me a modicum of privacy And 90 seconds here-- - Okay, well, let's--let's leave that ending for now.
If it's all right with you, I'd like to try something.
Ta-da.
I bet this takes you back, huh? - Nothing about this feels remotely familiar, jimmy.
Cool car, though.
- He continues to use his partner's name Even though he was referring to me.
I'm going to try prompting those repressed memories.
Stay close.
- Oh, that's great! Make him have a breakdown.
- You see, grimes, the trauma you're blocking Is directly connected to your old - Sandwich.
- I was looking for old partner, But there are no wrong answers.
I noticed you last turned psycho When you were behind the wheel of a car.
Ringing any bells? - No way, I hate bells.
- Very well.
How about Now? - You look like an ass[bleep.]
.
Hey, a dashboard 8-track.
You don't see that every day.
[keyboard music.]
[growls.]
- my one love, sweet as wine - rolling through the assholes of my mind Ow! - I told you, hot wheels and snack time Are after roll call, rookie.
- Now, we know the demons are making a change at the top.
One of these four guys is about to become top dog in hell.
- Hey, jimmy, can we get hot dogs later? Don't tell me.
Keep me in suspense.
- Whoever collars the new boss Gets to use my boathouse on a weekend of my choosing.
- How could a guy who owns a boathouse be so angry, jimmy? - The question you should be asking is, "when is jimmy gonna teach me everything he knows About going undercover?" And the answer is: Now.
- Ah! - Let's get started, rookie.
- Oh! - Moron! Nice shoes, ass[bleep.]
! - Hey! Ow! Mailing a cat is a federal offense, jimmy.
Oh! - Yah! Rule number one is cover up your mustache.
I gotcha.
- [snarls.]
- Freeze, junkie! - Now you're ready, grimes.
Let's go catch us a demon.
- Grimes! Grimes? Nope, grimes! - Ah! What's going on? - You just came out of the world's longest flashback.
We're in the middle of arizona, and I have to say, You drive shockingly well while in a fugue state.
- I never saw this as a buddy picture, honest to god, But you guys have great chemistry.
- Try to ease it down under 100 and find the next exit.
I have got quite the urine jug to evacuate.
- Ladies and gentlemen, it's phase two Of our little competition to replace me.
[sighs.]
not that anyone could.
- Oh, I should have said that.
- The judges will base your scores On carnage inflicted, nefariousness, and poise.
On the count of three, start your evil.
One, two [gunshot.]
- Oh, henry, you blew it again.
- No, no, no.
No, he was great.
Ooh.
[missile whooshes.]
[explosion.]
- [yells.]
oof! Huh? Oh! [rumbling thud.]
[water rushing.]
- Take that, mother nature.
- We came to d.
C.
Just for this? - [groans.]
[explosion.]
- Hmm! My god, this coffee's triggering a memory, A bold, robust memory.
- Maybe you should just put the coffee down.
[stomach gurgling.]
- Oh, flashback vomit.
I like where this is going.
Mark, get in the frame.
- Let me know when you need a refill, hon.
- Tell me your biggest flaw.
- Well, sometimes I'm afraid I'm a little bit too evil.
- Well, I'd say your biggest flaw Is actually a great attribute.
I'm sold.
You're exactly the kind of guy I want to replace me as leader of hell.
- I think I got a-- a lead in the case, jimmy.
- You got more than a lead.
You cracked it.
That boathouse is as good as ours, partner.
- Partner.
[sobbing.]
Partner.
He called me partner.
- Come on, buddy.
You've had enough tonight, yeah.
Let's get you back to new york.
- Okay, yeah.
I think I'm ready.
Hi-yah! Grab his feet.
Hope you got a full charge, camera monkey, Because things are about to get crazy.
- Well, I've been dreaming for 35 years of retiring And driving this baby to branson, missouri.
- But I don't want your job, daddy.
- It's not optional.
You're taking the snake, dear.
- Take the snake? What does that even mean? - I didn't want to have to do this Before the ceremony, But looks like I'm going to have to whip it out.
- Oh, gross! - It's not what it looks like, perv.
I just can't have anything restricting me When I do this.
- Do what? [shrieks.]
- [roars.]
- Get your rest tonight, sweetheart.
Because to replace me, you're going to have To swallow this thing.
[muffled pounding.]
- I haven't cried like that since I was a little boy.
Feels good to have that weight off my shoulders.
- Well, you got mark locked in the trunk, And you're barreling through the middle of l.
A.
Do you have a plan, or are you just gonna Drive us straight into the ocean? I mean, I'm good either way.
- I am not.
- I've got a plan, all right.
I've still got one more scene up my ass.
Those mother[bleep.]
of dishonorable discharge Owe me a proper ending! [cork pops.]
- I'd like to thank you ladies in advance For tomorrow's inevitable victory for callie and I.
This is a "w" for all demonkind.
Here's to the ladies, heey! - Okay, gang, if I can get your eyes up front.
I know you just happened to be in the building When this unfortunate-- I wouldn't say hostage crisis, But let's call it an improv therapy session broke out.
If you could just read this one scene as requested-- - Exactly as [bleep.]
written.
- Okay.
I think we can all get out of here unscathed.
And just real quick, remember: Acting, it's reacting.
So just make a bold choice.
Commit to that choice.
All right, the gentleman with the gun? - I think I'm good to go.
- All right, folks, the faster we read, The faster we're through here.
I need places, and we're rolling.
And flashback.
- I would like to announce the demon Who will replace me as leader of hell: Skinny bob.
[applause.]
Have you chosen a demonic name for yourself? - I have: Aldermack.
- Damn it, jimmy.
Where are you? - Now, aldermack, prepare to ingest slitherax, The demon snake that possesses all that is evil.
- [roars.]
- It's going down.
Looks like it's time For the student to become the master.
Take this, snake mother[bleep.]
! Jimmy says hello! [yelling.]
[machine gun fire.]
Ah! Jimmy? You didn't tell me We were pulling a wall job.
- [coughs.]
I was getting it on tape.
A good cop always secures evidence.
- My sweet, sweet jimmy.
But why didn't you tell me? - Because I knew you'd [bleep.]
it up.
Now we won't get a shot at this For another 35 years.
[groans.]
- No! I'm starting to repress my memory, no! [crying hysterically.]
Why couldn't it have been me who I shot? [sobbing.]
- And scene! - Good, right? How did I look? - What an amazing breakthrough that was.
You killed your partner.
That's what's been bothering you this whole time.
You must feel really ready to put down that gun And head back to new york now.
- Damn right, I am.
That snake ceremony was 35 years ago to the day.
If we leave now, we'll just barely make it.
Dust off the piss jug, lilly.
We're going home.
[gun cocks.]
- As time and distance from l.
A.
Pass, I am increasingly respectful Of these persistent bastards from paramount studios.
- Tonight, as you know, I leave my coveted throne of power.
After 35 years of my leadership, I will pass the snake To the only one among you that I truly trust.
- [gasps.]
- She's been with me through thick and thin And has never once complained.
So please welcome your new snake sucker, Ca Ca Ca Cathy.
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