Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Whose ghosts are they? Why are they haunting Pac-Man? What did he do to them? Mm-hmm, and Kimmy Time is up.
But we didn't even get to talk about why the guy in Operation is awake.
His eyes are open, and he's having, like, nine surgeries.
Please, Kimbrella.
This is why we have the Kimmy Time system So we can talk about more important things, like Titus.
I hear he has news.
Now that I'm no longer legally dead, the restaurant is actually able to pay me.
Wait, you haven't been getting paid? I'm used to getting paid under the table.
People drop some really cool stuff under there.
Ooh.
I just don't know what to spend all this money on.
How about rent, utilities? Unicorns, leprechauns.
Let's get real.
I'm gonna use this money for something for myself.
Fine, I'll keep covering the rent and the tapes, but you have to use this money for something that matters, like that.
DJs? Ew.
No.
Their poor parents.
No.
I want you to put on a show.
Yes.
I am in the midst of a personal renaissance My finances, my love life, my eyebrow game.
And now your art.
Maybe it's a play about aliens who come to Earth, and if they're gonna save that rec center, they're gonna need to start dancing.
No, I'm gonna do what every actor's friends love most A one-man show, about the most scintillating subject on God's gray earth.
- You? - No, baby girl.
- Me.
- Great.
A performance space? Cool kick, Lillian.
This neighborhood is changing, and none of us are gonna be able to live here.
And they painted over the neighborhood mural of Biggie.
Now how are we supposed to remember he's dead? Why would anyone bother to paint a wall in this neighborhood? It's just gonna get tagged.
But it hasn't.
Yesterday, this happened.
Twenty-four hours and not one graffito.
What a disgrace.
Sorry, guys.
Jacqueline needs me to "get the duck over here," so I've got to figure out where to get one.
Central Park.
So young.
So talented.
So fat.
Mm.
Sorry, Ms.
White.
I went to get a duck, but then some sort of duck policeman Whoa.
Look at this place.
Yes.
Well, I can only afford to stay here until Christmas.
The clock is ticking, Kimmy.
Like the 60 Minutes theme song.
Here, I'll help unpack.
Whoa! Are those empty? Or was one of the spiders that bit me They're empty.
Thanks to the divorce, I don't actually own anything.
But for a few months, I could pretend to be dealing with the decorator or waiting for the wall hangings to get out of Syria.
These sanctions are killing me.
But you're doing construction? No.
That's to make it look like this goes on for another 5,000 square feet.
Whoa.
Is that an air mattress? To complete the illusion, the Mondrian, those Philippe Starck ghost chairs This antique Savonnerie.
No.
Bad dog! Look what you've done! Bad dog! Oh, it's okay.
It's just a little bit of dirt.
This rug cost $30,000.
Oh! I'm sorry, rug.
Speaking of money, Ms.
White, do you think maybe you could start paying me again? Pay you? No, Kimmy.
We're just friends helping each other.
I'll go first.
Stop sleeping on that side of your face.
Now you go.
Well, I picked up all your old mail.
I missed a shift at the Christmas store waiting in line.
Did you know the post office is only open 40 minutes a week? Mm.
Blimp Aficionado.
Oh, how nice.
A wedding invitation from the Van Rensselaer twins.
Oh, are they getting married on the same day? Actually, they're marrying each other.
It's disgusting, but it keeps the money in the family, and they're so in love.
Oh, it's tomorrow? Send my regrets.
I can't go to that without a date.
Yeah, you're gonna be dating again.
And we'll get to have breakfast lunches where we talk about boys, 'cause that's what friends do.
Can we get table fries? That reminds me.
Kimmy, can you be a friend and run back home? I think I left my fake eyelashes in your bathroom.
Wait.
So those weren't spiders? Then what was biting me? All the other bugs.
How's the one-man show coming? Are you up to the part where you meet me? Like Who's that Kimmy knockin' on my door? Eatin' pickle chicken on the hospital floor No, I'm not doing that show anymore.
What? You're giving up already? I realized the one-man show about my life has been done.
Small-town boy moves to the big city to come out of the closet and become a star? That describes literally everyone I know: Rick from work, my old trick Fabian, even the man whose name I will not mention, Coriolanus Burt.
Damn it.
Touchdown! Ha-ha! But the only score I really cared about was the score To a Broadway show So what? Yours will be better.
It certainly will, because I'm still doing a show about myself, just not this myself.
Oh now I'm confused.
As you know, I vividly remember all my past lives.
There's Cyrus, the first openly gay slave.
Alphonse, who almost invented the raisin.
And Napoleon, a very sick parrot.
- No pug dogs? - For the last time, no! But none of my past selves were more talented or more troubled than the Japanese geisha Murasaki.
You're playing a Japanese woman? Playing? I was a Japanese woman.
Well, if Aisha Tyler can play a white woman on Friends, then I guess it's okay.
Ooh, can you come tomorrow night? I'm gonna start workshopping it.
Wow, I'll be in the front row.
Should I bring a tarp? Will I get wet? Probably.
I'm a sweater.
Now I just need to get posters printed and buy a new kimono.
What's wrong with all your other kimonos? A person can outgrow a kimono.
It happens all the time.
They don't fit anymore.
You happy now? Bad dog.
Bad! Can you schedule Abattoir a massage for tomorrow? Really? So you can spend money on stuff like that? I told you.
It's all about appearances right now.
If I walk around the city with a stressed-out dog, people are gonna talk.
I mean, look at him.
He's a wreck.
It's a disaster! Mimi Kanassis, no shoes on the rug! How did you get in here? Who told you where I was living? My Adderall dealer goes to school with Buckley.
Then I showed up downstairs, flashed my pearly whites at the doorman, and here I am because of the news.
That son of a bitch.
How could Julian do this? I know.
Going public so soon? This is exactly what Stanley did to me.
Jacqueline, we're the same.
Closer than sisters.
Is he just trying to hurt me? - Ms.
White, I'm sorry.
- Oh! Oh, I thought you were a Jeff Koons sculpture of Ronald McDonald.
This is so humiliating.
Oh, I know.
You'll get used to it.
- I did.
- No.
I'm gonna find a date and go to that wedding tomorrow, show everyone how great I'm doing.
And it'll be someone even richer than Julian.
Well, maybe this new guy has a weird brother for me.
Wait, so you just want to go back to being arm candy for some old Richie Rich? Ms.
White, you worked so hard to get away from all that.
I'm not letting you do this.
Try and stop us! No, please don't.
I need this so bad.
Pull yourself together, Kanassis.
We're going out tonight, and you're my wingman.
Yes! Turtle gets his! Hey, hey! Yo, B, who's F-10-5? Never heard of them.
They one of those Tejano gangs or something? Of course! Effé-ten-cinco.
Oh, I think I heard of them.
Hey maybe there'll be a gang war.
Someone gets shot.
We paint them on the wall.
But maybe they're not really dead.
We keep releasing albums One step at a time, Lillian.
One step at a time.
Time to get more Ds than a kid with undiagnosed dyslexia.
Mm, everyone's looking at me.
Tucker Cobblepot, how do you keep getting younger? Oh, I did that thing Trump did, where they gather your head skin up and tie it in a knot on the top of your skull and then cut new face holes in what used to be your neck.
It's working.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! I see you met my grandmother.
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm Mmm.
Onion.
What are you doing here? I hid in the trunk of your taxi, and I'm not letting you do this.
Where were we? Oh-ho-ho, right.
You were about to kiss me with your dental slit.
No, no, no, believe me, Jacqueline, I'd love to, but I can't.
I don't understand.
Julian and I are partners in a deal to frack in Central Park.
And it's not just me.
We all do business with Julian Voorhees.
You are strictly off-limits.
Well, then how am I supposed to get back at him? I don't know.
Kill yourself in his office? I always hate that.
I didn't even know I was into this.
Ugh! Sloppy thirds.
Ms.
White.
I'm sorry, but maybe this isn't such a bad thing.
Are you kidding? I've been cut off.
My only options now are tech nerds or Bobby Flay.
Don't ever say that.
Gosh, just forget about money.
You should be looking for the opposite of Mr.
Voorhees A good guy who's faithful and honest and has blond hair and his hands are where his feet should be.
Kimmy, you know what would cheer me up right now? If you looked ugly.
Thank you.
Now to find someplace to buy a proper costume for tonight.
"Kimono.
New York.
Costume.
Husky.
" My show is on the Internet, where Beyoncé and the president live.
That poster at the poster store was right, nothing's more effective than a poster.
Shh.
I wonder what computer owners are saying about me.
"A forum to advocate Respectful Asian Portrayals in Entertainment.
" - Shh! - Fine.
I will take a silent face journey as I scroll through this comments section.
Good morning.
Welcome to Yappy Endings Dog Spa.
What happened to Savannah? Oh, no one knows.
I'm Douglas, and I know exactly who you are.
May I say, you look even younger than you did on the cover of HAMPTONS magazine last year.
I do that skin therapy where you put on a helmet full of bees.
It's working.
Anyway, this is my dog-a-poo, Abattoir.
This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters.
- Stop.
- Oh Ooh.
They called you a Hitler? They named me one of their top five Hitlers of all time.
Real Hitler wasn't even on the list! Why am I not allowed to be Murasaki? I-she am-was me-her.
Titus, those guys are a bunch of hosers.
How can they criticize something they haven't even seen? 'Cause that's what the Internet is Just anonymous hosers criticizing geniuses.
This is all your fault! You made me do this! Well, I'm gonna talk to the Internet and make it apologize, okay? Anonymous insults like that are never cool except when you write "wash me" on a dirty car.
That's just funny, 'cause, like, is it the car saying it? Hey.
Hey.
You see that? This is Effé-ten-cinco territory, putas! Yeah! Oh, yeah, you You better keep drivin'.
Effé-ten-cinco, bacon! Run, Lillian! Oh, goodness.
Oh, Kimmy, I'm glad you're here.
See? I took your advice.
I went out and found the opposite of Julian, just like you said.
Look at how young and poor he is.
His name is Douglas, and he's coasting on looks.
YOLO! How is this what I told you to do? I'm a sugar mommy, and he's my trophy boy.
Opposite.
You were so smart.
Another rich guy would've made it look like I needed money.
With Doug on my arm, I'm the rich and powerful one.
Imagine how mad Julian will be.
That's not the opposite of Julian.
You just switched places with him.
You're Julian now.
That's ridiculous.
I'm helping him with his What was it? Uh, DJ career.
Uh-huh.
Like how Julian helped you publish that cookbook? Hey, I'm the one who found the cookbook mine was based on.
I can't believe you.
Your ex-husband treated you like a thing, not a person.
You might as well have been his dog.
And now you're doing the same thing with this poor guy.
Lookit, I've been working my tail off for you for free while you've been off buying tuxedos and invisible chairs.
But you don't deserve my help.
I thought you two were sisters.
What's happening? I don't know! I'm just really excited 'cause I did something great.
Look.
Oh, my sweet, fancy Jesus.
I'm a star.
You're all dead to me.
And guess who's coming to see it.
Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle? I'm out of Pattis.
Does it have to be a Patti, or did I do that? Even better.
Remember the people who called you a Hitler? Well, I mentioned your workshop to them No, no, no, it's great.
They apologized.
I told them all about you, and the webchat moderator himself, Masuta69, typed, "I'm so sorry.
We really care that he's your friend.
Could you guys be any cooler?" Oh, no, Kimmy.
The Internet doesn't talk like that.
The Internet talks like Chandler.
What? No.
"I'm so sorry.
We really care that he's your friend.
Could you guys be any cooler?" You can't tell when someone's being sarcastic on the Internet! There he is! Masuta69? What is this? I mean, do you think I'm an Einstein or not? You must be KimmysRadScreenName.
I didn't think you were real.
I assumed you were just him pretending to be a white girl who couldn't spell.
Oh, God, this is my audience.
This show is an abomination.
We're gonna boo you so loud, you won't be able to hear yourself talk.
Yeah, the whole portrayal is offensive.
A geisha? Seriously? But Murasaki really was a geisha.
Typical.
Why couldn't she be a successful businesswoman or a college professor or a stay-at-home dad? But if you actually watch the whole show I don't want to hear the end of anything anyone has to say.
But this is about a past life that I actually lived.
I was Murasaki.
Past lives? That's idiotic.
Oh, so past lives are idiotic? Hindus are just as much a part of this organization as anyone, probably more than this white guy! I'm transracial, you dumb dick.
- Wow.
- Oh, God! They drew a Michael Jordan mustache on me.
Why? Hey, we should talk, esé.
Maybe I could broker a truce with the Banana Boys.
Or maybe I set them up.
You know, "Come to this thing," but you're there waiting.
Kapowy, kapowy, kapowy.
I work for you.
Lady, I just work for the phone company.
But what about your tag? Effé-ten-cinco.
This says "FiOS.
" It's high-speed Internet.
We're wiring this whole neighborhood before they put up the new development.
What? No.
You can't do this to my home.
Hey, hey, Sesame Street was based on this neighborhood.
'Cause there's a guy who lives in a garbage can, and there's a gigantic furry monster that only I can see.
I don't know what to tell you.
That's progress.
Well, why didn't you eat him? Doug, what do you think? Conflict or no conflict? Whatever, baby.
You always look wicky-wicky amazing No! Look what you did! Bad Doug! I can't return it now.
Sorry, but you're so rich.
No.
Bad Doug.
No! Bad dog! Bad Doug! Oh, God.
Kimmy was right.
I'm no better than Julian.
You're not a dog, Douglas.
I'm whatever you want me to be.
That's the deal, right? Everything the Power does, it does in a circle.
I was like you once, and I wish I had been treated better.
You're a human being with a dream of being a stand-up comedian.
- DJ.
- Ugh.
Still? The point is, you deserve more than this.
Go follow your dream.
Go hold your hands just above a laptop while people dance.
But what about the wedding? Do you know what the real opposite of Julian is? I don't know like, a guy with feet where his hands should be? It's respecting people, including myself.
The opposite of Julian is me going to that wedding on my own.
Wow.
I'm proud of you, Jacqueline.
'Cause the dopest beat is in here.
Get out of my home.
I'm so sorry, Titus.
This is my fault.
I understand if you don't want to go through with the show.
All that walking here for nothing.
Ugh! The Internet is ruining everything.
- Tell me about it.
- It's just a bunch of Chandlers.
What's the point of any of it? I mean, there's no fighting the man.
We should just give up.
You're right.
I should just give up.
You are talented, Murasaki, but you will never fit in here.
You're right.
I should just give up.
Look, Cyrus, you got to cool it with the gay rights stuff.
We got way bigger problems down here, man.
You're right.
I should just give up.
Alphonse your grapes are getting ruined out there in the sun! You're right.
I should just give up.
You? Ride after fox?! Don't be ridiculous, Argos! You're right.
I should just give up.
No.
I'm done listening to haters.
I've been giving up on my dreams for hundreds of years.
It ends now.
Mega Hitler! Mega Oh, you're gonna boo? Well, I boo you! Boo! Boo! Dear, you're just adding to the booing.
My first memory is the willow tree.
I hate being A servant The snow begins to fall And the baby cries Be quiet, you Hitlers.
How can I be happy Even when Bon Festival is here? I don't have nice clothes Or a sash to wear I play my samisen for the men, but they look right through me.
You said you'd take me with you.
I cannot stay here.
I'm pregnant.
So I packed my kimono My precious books.
And I returned to my village to sing no more.
I want to leave Just beyond this place I can see My parents' Home Yeah! Brava! Bravo! Titus.
You inspired me.
I'm not giving up.
They're gonna make this neighborhood nicer over my dead body! Or at least a body that sure looks a lot like me but is burned beyond recognition.
Titus, if anything deserves a high five, it's this.
And yet nothing does.
That was beautiful.
I haven't heard that song since I was a little boy.
Corbin, what do we do now that we're not offended? Yeah, I feel weird.
It's like I can't breathe.
Wait, I'm not allowed to say that.
I offended myself.
Yo, yo, yo, bitches, where my table at? What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Jacqueline? She set me free.
She said I could be so much more than a trophy boy, and she was right.
So say goodbye to Douglas, and say hello to DJ FingaBlazt.
Jacqueline listened to me.
Oh, Jacqueline.
Don't tell me you're making your debut sans peen.
Mimi, darling.
How did that sad woman guess my name? Away, gypsy.
No babies for you here.
You know what? I don't care what any of you think.
I know who I am.
I don't need a man.
Scoff.
- Kimmy attack! - What's happening? Oh, good.
It's you this time.
There's a lot of fancy blond ladies here.
I saw Douglas.
I know what you did.
I just had to come down here and give you a high five.
Absolutely not.
But thank you, Kimmy.
I just I don't think I can go through with this.
They all think I'm a joke.
So let them laugh and laugh and laugh and dance and laugh, 'cause we don't care what everyone you know thinks.
Nope.
Titus almost gave in to the haters today.
And I almost let him.
But I'm not making that mistake again.
Well, what have we here? Don't need a man, indeed.
Jacqueline, why, don't tell me this is your date.
Date? Mr.
Splode Yes, well, it's nothing serious.
I just had to take a break from men after Julian.
I guess some people might find that fascinating.
Le freak c'est chic.
And such a nasty little butch boy.
She's a model for L.
L.
Bean's performance fleeces.
Scrumptious! You're the belle of the ball.
Julian will be furious when he hears about this from someone who is me.
Jacqueline's my best friend.
Congratulations! A chocolate fountain? How much drinks can you drink from it? We miss you, Biggie.
Your name described your spirit as well as your morbid obesity.
It looks just like him.
You know, B, I also do nudes.
- Run, Lillian! - Run, Lillian! - Good night, everybody! - Good night!