Undateable (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

Guys, great day.
Shell, love the shirt.
Nicki, great to see you.
Nicki.
Hi, Justin.
Wait, like, is this "the Nicki that broke your heart" Nicki? Candace, you don't have to say everything out loud.
Sometimes you could just think things.
Well, I was just in the middle of telling Nicki how great everything's going for you.
You're dating lots of girls Especially that hot Italian model, right? Danny, no more.
It's Italian, so she would say "A-no-moré.
" I hear them all night.
"I love-a to be with you.
I love it when you put your happy hands on my happy body.
" "Grazie, Justin.
Grazie for the happy.
" I, um I don't think I should have popped in like this, so Hey, you can pop.
You can pop all the time.
I love poppin'.
Snap, crackle, pop.
I eat it every morning.
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
I've got some stuff to take care of, so, um, I will catch up with you guys later.
Okay.
You still smell like vanilla.
That's Be honest with me.
Did I Just shoot her in the face? I mean, w Why is she back in Detroit? You want the good news, or you want the bad news? - Good.
- Well, the good news is I'm awesome at giving bad news.
The secret is I tell the bad news so quickly that you don't even understand when it's coming.
Nicki's engaged.
Nicki's engaged? This is weird, but I'm just gonna go with it.
"Undateable," starring me.
- And me.
- That's it.
I knew Nicki would get engaged, you know? It just sucks that the first time I see her since we break up, and I make such a fool of myself.
I just saw it going so differently.
Okay, I'll ask.
No, Leslie, don't, don't! How did you see it going? Summertime.
I'm walking on the street, and she calls my name.
I turn, revealing that I'm holding Spencer, my biracial baby.
Then Spence gets cranky.
You know, it's nap time For the both of us.
We nap together because I'm such a good father.
And as I walk away, I look down at Spence and say, "that's just a nice lady Daddy used to know," and I win.
I think the real winners are the people who didn't have to hear that story.
Look, man, if you really think you messed up with Nicki this morning, why don't you just invite her back here and have a do-over? I can coach you, man.
I can guarantee it's gonna go great, and I know that because I'm psychic.
Danny, you're not psychic.
"Psychic"! I knew you were gonna say "psychic.
" Seriously, I am.
Observe.
Right now, uh, uh, uh, Shelly is doing something that no human would normally ever do.
Oh, I'm sorry, Daniel.
I didn't catch that.
I was busy making one of these Foosball teams black.
Okay, finished unloading the groceries.
Now I have to run back to the bar, but feel free to hang.
- Cool.
Okay.
- Hey, see ya, mate.
- Bye.
- Bye! See ya, mate! He's gone.
I am so psyched for Nicki's engagement party.
I am gonna get my dance on and maybe even kiss a guy.
I'd do anything to get that kiss.
Time to play my favorite game How far would Burski go to hook up with Leslie? Would you hook up with Leslie if it meant your entire family died afterwards? Bone zone.
Give me something tough.
I Oh, um, I've got one.
Would if you could hook up with Leslie, but you could never see her again? Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bone zone, girl.
Ha ha! I thought we were joking, but you would seriously choose hooking up with me over our friendship? This feels like a trap.
Nicki's gonna be here any second.
Now, you know how anyone can tell how you're feeling emotionally, even if you just say one word? Yeah.
You can't do that.
Let's practice, okay? I want you to say, "it's great to see you," without any emotional undercurrent.
Go.
It's great to see you.
Just throw it away.
Throw it away.
Just "it's great to see you.
" It's great to see you.
Oh, oh.
- Hi, Justin.
Hi.
- Hey.
Listen, I just felt so stupid earlier.
What I wanted to say was I'm happy that you That you met someone.
That means a lot to me.
How is he doing? Uh, yeah, clear skies from here.
Looks like he's going for a nice, sweet, smooth takeoff.
Hey, Danny.
You flying an imaginary plane? Uh, yeah, I am.
It's just for fun.
Thanks again for coming by.
It's great to see you.
Oh! He did it! Hey, all right.
Hey, looks pretty good from here.
Should just take her down for a smooth landing, huh? Well, I got to, uh I got to go.
Our engagement party is tomorrow, and the venue fell through, so I have to find a new one.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, you need a-a venue.
Hello.
I own a venue.
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on here? Oh, God! Wake up! Wake up! You would really do that for me? Of c Hey, of course.
It'll be poppin'.
We lost an engine! We lost an engine! Oh, my God, you're awesome.
What is he doing? He ejected himself at the last second.
Now he's parachuting down.
Whoa! Here we come! Oh! How did it go? Anyway, Justin, this is so great of you to do, man.
You know, Nicki just really wanted to be together with her friends.
Mm, Parker was nice enough to fly a few of them over on his jet.
Hmm, oh, I have a plane, too, but I crashed it over near the bar.
Just do me a favor and take care of her.
Oh.
Of course.
I-I will.
Bring it in.
Come on.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah, there's a moment you don't see too often, huh? Two great guys and a torch being passed in between them.
Right? Ah.
Parker, take the torch.
I know how it works around here, and it's not gonna end until you take the torch.
Oh, well, you're touching the fire part, so don't touch the fire part.
There's flames.
Oh, you're not gonna want to use that hand, 'cause you badly burned it, so Go ahead.
There you go.
Ah.
There it is.
Beautiful moment.
Yeah.
You doing okay? God, yes.
I mean, she ended up with a tech millionaire.
If that's what she wants, I never stood a chance.
You know, he's Filipino, and they're known for their vigorous lovemaking.
I guess Nicki's gonna be the one with the biracial baby.
All right.
The point is, I did everything I could to try to get her back, and it didn't work.
It just wasn't meant to be.
Hey, Justin, I just wanted to, uh Uh, you know what, Parker? The torch thing is over now.
You can just drop it.
Oh.
Justin Kearney, you know, as advertised The looks, the swagger, the total package over here.
Hey, screw you, Parker! Danny, what are you doing? Well, he's obviously being sarcastic, so I'm sticking up for you! Not at all.
Justin is one of the coolest Oh, are you serious right now?! Hey, hey, hey! Put your fist down! Put it away! You should know, Justin, that it almost didn't work out because of you.
For the first few months, Nicki would make it very clear that if you were to move to Lansing for her, then we were through.
Every time the doorbell rang, I thought to myself, "is today the day that Justin takes her away from me?" So what you're saying is if I just drove the, you know, I, uh I could have ended up with Nicki.
No, that that's ridiculous.
Oh.
I mean, we breezed down here in under an hour.
Justin, uh, thanks for never showing up.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh.
All right.
Oh, boy.
Okay, this time it's definitely on purpose.
But I'll still go with it.
Burski, you really pissed me off.
And so part of your punishment is that this outfit is for you.
Apparently, revenge is a dish best served smoking-hot.
And when a dog makes a mistake on your carpet, you rub his nose in it.
I would love to rub my nose on your carpet.
If you could have just been a decent guy, maybe we would have kissed.
We definitely would have danced.
And I'm a fan of the occasional hand on the butt when I'm dancing.
Brett, tell the man what he's missing.
Okay, firm.
Ooh, it's a little bit hungry.
She's making it wobble! Shelly, come over here and feel this.
It's wobbling.
Ooh, it tickles! Candace, bring it.
Okay.
Wow! I can't tell if I'm grabbing it of it it's grabbing me.
See, tonight could have been the night that all your dreams came true.
But instead, the silent treatment starts now.
Classic Burski.
Hey, Candace, what's wrong with you? It's not Burski? Oh, it's Leslie's bum-bum.
All I have is a scrawny little white-girl butt.
But you know what? There's people out there that like those, too, right? Ohh, sweetie.
No.
Finally closed the door on Nicki, and And Parker just throws it wide open! I mean, what if she still has feelings for me? - I have to talk to her.
- Hey, hey, look, you know what? That's a great idea, but I've got an even better idea that I guarantee everyone's gonna like more.
Don't do that? If romantic comedies have taught me anything, it's that wedding-related events are the perfect time to tell someone how you feel! I can't keep saying this to you.
Your life is not a romantic comedy.
That's just what the best friend would say! This is my movie.
He's the rich guy who has everything, and I'm the blue-collar guy she can't quite get over.
Now, sure, I'm not much for book-learnin' but I could fix things.
You can't just casually walk up to her and let her know how you feel.
You're right.
This is a romantic comedy.
I need a much bigger gesture.
Okay, guys, we talked about this! Attention No! No, what are you Doing?! Okay, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my mom when she'd tell me to stop shooting hoops outside because it was raining.
"Get out of my way, Beverly! I'm going back out there!" Hey, man.
I can't let you do that.
You don't even know anything about love.
I was in love once.
Ah, that beautiful hair, those big big brown eyes, and the way our hands just fit perfectly together.
Holy crap, he's talking about himself! We knew each other so well, it's like sometimes I'd feel like We could finish each other's sentences! You're an insane person.
Goodbye.
- What what is that - Come here.
Hey! Don't do What is that?! Get down here.
All right.
Get off me! You okay here, Danny? Go have fun.
Hey, Les, could I talk to you for a second? Uh, Leslie is still not speaking to you, but she's willing to talk to you through me.
I'm sorry.
I was an idiot.
No, no, it's okay.
I got this.
I got this.
We both know that you're just apologizing to me because you thought I might kiss you.
Well, of course I want to kiss you.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Treat me that way.
You really hurt me.
Yeah, we've had some really nice moments together, but I feel like those aren't even real.
You're just trying to hook up with me.
Why would you make me feel that way? The other day, I got my yearly physical.
You know, they take your blood, they check your heart, they put a finger up your butt.
They don't do that till you're 40.
They do if you ask.
I mean Anyway, I was filling out the paperwork, and when I got to the line that said "significant other," I know it's stupid, but it made me sad.
What do you want from me, Bursk? I'd like to dance with you, Leslie.
I'm actually kind of a decent dancer, and it makes me seem Kind of normal.
Can you itch my thigh? I can't reach it.
No! And you know what? Consider this the last time I ever give you a hug.
You don't like hugs, huh? Then I guess it's time to stop struggling and time to start snuggling.
All right.
Come on, stop.
Yes! All right.
How do you think it's gonna go out there, huh? I'm gonna grab the mike, make the perfect speech.
Nicki's gonna cry and run up to me and hug me, and somebody's gonna queue a great pop song, and then a An old aunt is gonna be like, "oh, now Now it's gettin' good.
" Then we'll live happily ever after, sell the movie rights, and the last line in the movie will be, "who the hell is Parker?" You know what, man? I'm begging you don't go out there.
Give me one good reason.
Because she might say yes.
I may not know about love, but I know you, all right? You think you stayed in Detroit because of this bar and a bunch of your goofy friends? No.
If you loved Nicki half as much as I love myself, then you would have driven to Lansing and risked it all to spend the rest of your life with her.
But you know what? You didn't.
And you didn't do that because deep down, you knew it was the wrong thing to do.
So don't go out there and ruin her life just 'cause you feel lonely.
You know what? I'm so glad That we found each other? That's what they don't see, mm-mm So If I was willing to dance with you, what would that look like? Oh, my God, this is happening.
Um, okay.
Do you mind if I make a grand entrance? Go nuts.
Can't stop, won't stop grooving Um, can we, uh, cut the music real quick? Damn it.
Hello, everybody.
Um Listen, I just wanted to say that we, uh W-well, we spend our lives looking for that special someone.
And just like in every romantic comedy, that that special someone was right in front of me all along.
Nicki Look, actually, could you just move? 'Cause the special person's right behind you.
It's you, Danny.
It's always been you.
Oh, now it's getting good.
So I'd like to make a toast to Danny Burton.
Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, you know, Nicki and Parker, congrats.
Yay.
Okay.
To Danny! - To Danny! - To Danny! - To Danny! - To Danny! Hey, man, thanks.
It's great to see you.
It's great to see you.
I'm kidding.
It's great to see you.
It's great to see you.
It's a fun bar.
Take a picture.
We're never coming back.
You know I'm gonna get you back.
I know.
May I still have that dance? The deejay already left.
There's no music.
- Justin? - Huh? Got the keyboard ready? So, we're ready to jam.
Let's go.
Burski and Leslie They're starting to dance Out on the floor And I bet Leslie would be way more comfy If she was in sweatpants I think at this point they both realize That they don't want to do this It's really uncomfortable because it's so slow And they don't bring out the best in each other God, I can't believe I'm gonna do this.
Okay, just please don't tell anyone.
About what? This.
Now we're even.
Bursk and Leslie Oh They're dancing I don't think that they're gonna work out Why don't you just try some online dating