United States of Al (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Whose idea was it to watch a Bollywood movie? Al.
And who's not here? Al.
Does anyone know what's going on in this thing? Yeah, didn't that guy die half an hour ago? Yeah, he did, but he was reincarnated as someone who looks like him.
Hey.
Where you been? I was talking to my sister.
She okay? She is very grateful that we were able to get her safe to Turkey.
But I think she's feeling lonely.
- Of course.
- I wish there was a way for her to come here then at least she could be with me.
Any chance of that? The only way is for her to marry an American.
She's a rock star.
I'll marry her.
It needs to be a man.
I'll do it.
You're still married.
Fine.
I'll take one for the team.
I need an Afghan American who is single, from a good family, with an honorable job.
Does she even want to get married? I think she would be open to it if I found her the right person.
She deserves the best.
Ideally, a real doctor who is handsome enough to be a Bollywood doctor.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
Hey, Freddy.
Hey.
Nice sweater.
Thanks for noticing.
Crocheted it myself.
It's like meditating, but at the end you have something cozy.
- Hey.
Ready to bowl? - Yeah, let's do it! Don't forget what I taught you.
The Petawawa Pendulum.
Got it.
Petawawa? I'm from Petawawa, Ontario, comma, Canada.
That's where I used to sling rocks.
That's slang for bowling.
One time he bowled a 300.
Also, one time a grown man lied to you.
It's true.
There's a picture of me in the bowling alley.
Come on, man.
There's no way.
We should bowl sometime.
I'll show you.
- Sounds good.
Get in the car.
- I'll drive.
- Pickup's right out front.
- I have an electric car.
It's better.
- For who? - Hazel's granddaughter.
Please just go, both of you.
It's okay, we're just gonna have a friendly match.
And when Freddy loses, he'll have something cozy to cry into.
- Let's go.
- Hold on.
Need to get my ball, my shoes, my wrist brace, my rosin bag and my lucky scrunchie.
I got to tell you, it's a bold move to just show up at this guy's restaurant and ask him to get a husband for your sister.
Oh, I would never do that.
That would impugn the honor of my sister.
Okay.
So What exactly are we doing? Normally, it is the man's family who starts a conversation about a marriage.
So I will casually tell Kasim how lovely my sister is and wait for him to have my brilliant idea.
Wow.
That is some 3D chess.
Kasim will understand.
He is a pillar of this community.
He will know many families.
Are you gonna feel weird if you bump into his daughter? Didn't you kind of [CLICKS TONGUE.]
like her? I did.
But there is no future for Ariana and me.
And to help my sister, I am ready to walk on a carpet of thorns.
You want me to go in first and see if Ariana's there? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
That is a brilliant idea.
I am so glad you had it.
Hi, Kasim.
Art? Ha-ha! My friend! Ah.
Did you bring Awalmir? I'm not sure.
Oh.
- Yes, I did.
- Ah.
Awalmir! Salaam, Kasim Jaan.
Where have you been? I have missed you.
I am sorry.
I have been meaning to pay my respects.
[WHISPERS.]
: You had one job.
Hello, Awalmir.
Hello, Ariana.
It's nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
You're looking very well.
As are you.
You had a long drive.
You must be hungry, huh? Ariana, bachi, go tell the kitchen to make one of everything.
Ha! One of everything.
He remembered my order.
Kasim Jann, how are your cousins in Kabul? Alhamdulillah, they are safe.
They moved to the countryside.
How is your family? Ah, my mother and brother are okay for now, inshallah.
And we were lucky enough to get my sister to Turkey.
But I do worry about her, of course.
Living without the family and being so educated and beautiful and single.
Have you thought about finding her a husband here? Oh, I do not know.
- That would not be my place.
- Oh, my friend, if she is as wonderful of a person as you, I will have no trouble finding her a good husband.
Son of a gun.
What if I told you I already know the perfect candidate? - You do? - He's my son, Masoud.
He's a doctor, he doesn't touch alcohol, he's never smoked a single cigarette, and, dare I say, - he's inherited my smile.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I would love to meet him.
You have made me so happy.
If it's okay, I will bring Masoud to your house.
Great.
This time I'll cook for you.
Ariana, how would you like to be Awalmir's sister-in-law? I was gone for two minutes.
Hazel, put your thumb in it.
All right? Just one hand on the ball.
This is how Freddy showed me.
Okay, but you're not gonna get as much power that way.
It's the backswing that lets the weight of the ball Strike! There it is! Petawawa! Man, that is a beautiful char.
Would you like to see my grill? [LAUGHS.]
: Oh, boy! I feel like it's my birthday! If my sister likes your brother half as much as Mr.
Art likes your father, they will be the happiest couple in the world.
I can't imagine what you've been going through.
I've been thinking about you and your family.
Thank you.
And I was glad to hear your family is safe.
Although maybe soon it will be our family.
About that, my dad didn't really give you the full picture.
My brother isn't exactly a doctor-doctor.
He's a dentist.
So? That is an honorable profession.
And he's not really a dentist.
He practiced for a year and then he quit.
So what does he do? He's a deejay.
And that is the face my dad makes.
Okay, not my best game.
Which was 300.
But, hey, look, I still won.
Oh, you're not going home, are you? Haven't you been punished enough? Just getting warmed up, dude.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna go to the arcade.
Yeah.
Here's some quarters.
Oh.
Here's $20.
Don't bring me back any change.
Wasn't planning on it.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Anything, amigo.
What's the deal with the man bun? I could tell you, but you're not gonna like it.
Yeah? Try me.
Vanessa digs it.
Why's your hair so short? - It's a military thing.
- Yeah, but you're not in it anymore.
Why are you still living in that box? It's not a box.
It's about discipline and self-respect.
Didn't you drive to a Browns game in a diaper so you wouldn't have to stop? If you miss the kickoff, you might as well not even go.
Tell you what, you win this game, I cut off my pony.
I win you grow one.
Oh, I'm willing to grow one if you're willing to grow a pair.
Let's bowl.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, Vanessa.
Think she heard that strike from her place? Hey.
Hey, Riley.
Having fun? Yeah.
Why? Just curious.
Do you, uh, happen to know where your daughter is? Yeah.
She's in the arcade playing video games.
Wrong.
What do you mean, wrong? She's right here.
She walked home? Yes! - What's going on? - You are in big trouble.
Salaam, Hassina Jaan.
How are you holding up? Awalmir Jaan, you don't have to call every day.
I'm fine.
No, I just wanted to hear how your Turkish is coming along.
I don't know what that means, but I know you're making fun of me.
Hi, Hassina! Hi, Lizzie.
Thank you for the clothes.
Oh, you're wearing my jacket.
It looks good on you.
Thank you.
Oh, I found some medicine in one of the pockets.
Throw that away.
And tell Riley thank you for the money he sent.
I gave some to the family I'm staying with, and I bought English workbooks for the children - in the refugee camp.
- Hassina, you are an angel.
I'm really not.
I just need to be doing something with my time.
I mean, how many Turkish soap operas can I watch? Hmm.
Well, I know somebody you can talk to.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And maybe marry.
Lizzie, what is he doing? That's why I'm here.
I wanted to watch this go down.
Hassina, you will love this man.
His name is Masoud.
He is a doctor.
He comes from a great family.
He will make a wonderful husband.
I don't need a husband.
I need a work permit.
When you come to America, you can work as much as you want.
And if he turns out to be a lemon, you can always get a divorce.
Don't say that.
You can even do it online.
Easier than ordering a pizza.
Lizzie, have you met this doctor? Not yet.
He's coming over tomorrow with his family.
My dad's slow-cooking a brisket to make a good impression.
What is brisket? Meat that makes you sleepy.
AL: All I am asking for is for you to be open to talking to him.
If you don't like him, it's okay, I will never mention it again.
You're lucky I don't have much going on.
AL: Thank you, Hassina.
You know I just want you to be happy.
And I want you to be happy.
Hmm.
This sounds a lot like a conversation my brother and I have never had.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, here's what happened.
I got distracted because a kid was choking on pizza.
So I gave him the Heimlich and saved his life.
And I was in the alley fighting racists.
Why would you be in the alley? 'Cause that's where the racists are.
You ready? Born ready.
Where is she? In her room.
You sure she didn't leave? 'Cause that happens to a lot of parents.
Listen, I'm not gonna yell at you guys.
- Okay, see you later.
- I just assumed that both of you understood that when you take Hazel out, there's an expectation you'll bring her home.
Sounds like we're getting yelled at.
I'm used to this kind of behavior from Riley, but you I thought I could trust.
You can, babe.
Goes quicker if you just let her finish.
I feel dumber when I'm around you two.
- Rematch tomorrow? - 3:00.
Wash that ponytail.
I'm gonna hang it from my rear-view mirror.
- The house looks great, Al.
- Thank you.
The first visit is the most important.
You want to make a good impression.
Well, in that case, should we be here? Mr.
Art, you are family.
Of course you should be here.
You can change your clothes if you felt like it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Game time! Kasim! - Welcome to my home.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh, this is for you.
Oh.
Kabob skewers.
I saw you admiring mine, so I got you a set of your own.
Wow.
Thank you.
I got you something, too.
Biography of Hyman Rickover, the father of the modern submarine.
Terrific read.
Thank you.
Let me introduce you to my son, Masoud.
Masoud, this is Art Dugan and his daughter Lizzie - and his friend Awalmir.
- Hello, Masoud Jaan.
Oh, please, call me Mo.
Please don't call him Mo.
Come, sit.
This is a sick party house.
Thank you.
You know, Masoud graduated from the University of Michigan.
Top of his class.
That is very impressive.
I agree.
It's sick.
I'm gonna check on the brisket.
I mean, I thought I was pretty good, but you beat me fair and square.
When your ponytail grows in, I'll get you a scrunchy.
- Can I buy you a drink? - Yes.
I will have an 1810 Mezcal Reposado in a tumbler.
Two shots of tequila.
Gracias.
To Hazel.
You guys made a great kid.
Thanks.
To Hazel.
- And to Clart.
- Who's Clart? It's the baby Vanessa and I are gonna have someday.
Boy or a girl, it works either way.
Have you two been talking about having a baby? Oh, one step at a time, amigo.
First I gotta ask her to ask me to move in.
Then you guys gotta get a divorce.
If you could hop on that, that'd be great.
And then a destination wedding.
Fingers crossed, Toronto.
Hey, two more.
This is fun.
This is delicious.
The cumin is a great touch.
Eh, no big deal, I just threw it together.
So, Masoud, do you speak Dari? A little.
You know, like "salaam.
" That's pretty much it.
That's why it's so awesome Hassina speaks English.
It is awesome, isn't it? So, I hear you are a dentist.
- Was a dentist.
- Is still a dentist, according to the state of Ohio.
I have the paperwork.
I'm pretty focused on my music career.
Oh.
What instrument do you play? He plays the computer.
All the instruments are in the computer.
He can do a flute, he can do a piano.
Yeah, I go by DJ Mo-ney.
'Cause I'm Mo.
It's a play on words.
Does it result in any Mo-ney? I mean, if the right teen dances to one of my songs on TikTok, I'm made.
He was part of a dentistry practice.
They will take him back anytime.
He is very good.
Look, he did these.
Wait, DJ Mo-ney.
Did you play Lost Lands last year? Yeah, I was the first one up on Sunday.
9:00 a.
m.
I was still awake.
I heard you.
You were awesome.
See? So, my sister is a very special person.
Yes, she is very educated and beautiful.
And she will need a husband who can support a family.
Kygo made $30 million last year.
I wonder if his father worked 70 hours a week to put him through dental school.
Baba, we said we weren't gonna do this.
I can't help it.
He's breaking my heart.
Listen to your father.
You cannot do computer flutes - for the rest of your life.
- Look, man, ever since I was a kid, I did everything that he wanted.
I worked at the restaurant, I got good grades, and I got to this point, like, when is it my turn? I'm sorry, your turn to what? Be happy.
Oh, what does you being happy have to do with anything? Thank you, Awalmir.
Stop it.
Both of you.
Here's the deal.
My brother is a deejay.
He isn't gonna change his job for you or for you.
Thank you.
That was tight.
Read the room.
They don't know what that means.
Save our queen And heaven bless The maple leaf forever Wow, that's a long song.
You think my car will be safe at the bowling alley? Oh, relax.
No one's gonna steal that thing.
It's a golf cart with windshield wipers.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
All right.
- There you go.
- Adios, amigo.
This guy wants to name your son "Clart.
" We need to talk.
As a single woman, you should not be in the bedroom of a single man.
This is a garage.
What will your father think? He won't think anything.
He's napping.
I am sorry, Ariana Jaan, but I do not think your brother is good enough for my sister.
Well, guess what? I don't think your sister is good enough for my brother.
My sister is a genius.
She taught herself how to read.
She memorized the entire periodic table by age five.
My brother is a musical prodigy.
He graduated college in three years, and he's also the sweetest person.
He visits my grandmother every week.
He doesn't have a job.
What else has he got to do? And he's a better cook than my father.
My sister's qabuli pallow is so good you will eat your fingers with it.
Well, congratulations.
Your parents raised one wonderful child.
They did.
She's the best person I know.
Well, I'd love to meet her someday.
Your beauty melts my heart.
Thank you.
Now, please get out of my bedroom.
[DOOR SLAMS.]