United States of Tara s02e03 Episode Script

Previously on United States of Tara I never even been with a chick before, so - Neither have I! - You think you're skeeved? Jesus Christ, it's happening again.
I'm losing time again.
And I thought I was better.
Come on, let's buy this house! It's not just a paint job.
You'd need a real carpenter, - contractor.
- I can do all that shit.
Boy, boy, boy, boy.
I'd sully-rig it.
What's sully-rig it? Sort of a temporary permanent.
"Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgender Association".
- You ought to put a letter in for me.
- Excuse me? Maybe it's not a good idea to purposely leave anyone out.
Thank you.
- Will you marry me? - Yes.
Did you tell my buddy your good news yet? Why would Neil care? Can I please stay here - until the wedding? - Live here? This reeks.
Till you land your first really big fish.
This is my big fish Lynda P.
Frazier.
Who is that? Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
I thought that you were her.
I'll always be her.
I met the most amazing woman in the world.
- I thought it was me.
- I got my mind literally blown.
If you had your mind blown, your brain'd be gone.
- Who are you? - Marshall's lady friend.
Marshall's friend.
What you do with my biker boots? - What do you want? - I need the body! Baby.
Baby.
United Team Blackart Browncoat Lafeelicita Miniben314 Salomon valpi The Truth Hurts I'm fucked.
I just woke up again.
Naked again.
Next to that woman from the grocery store who has two kids and a la-z-boy.
I don't know what Buck's been doing over there, but it can't be good.
It's been two weeks since Buck's been taking the body.
"I just want it for a few hours", he said.
A few hours a day.
I don't understand why this is happening now.
I mean Everything at home is great.
The kids are thriving.
Max has never been happier.
And he keeps saying I'm the best I've ever been.
Little does he know that, for the first time ever, I am a liar.
My alters have lied before, but me I never have.
I just can't bring myself to tell him I'm transitioning again.
It'll break his heart.
I'd like to get a refill on my Depakote.
No, I'm good on the Risperdal.
How are we on the Zyprexa? 'cause I wouldn't want it to run out.
You need all that just to get through the day? Someone's a mess.
Great.
I'll pick it up this afternoon.
Thanks.
- That was the pharmacy.
- I gathered.
- You look downright - Doable.
She looks doable, dad.
It's all right.
I'm used to it.
It's the burden of kids born to teenage mothers.
I should start a group called "Adult children of moms you'd like to fuck".
Sir.
The Hubbard house is officially ours.
Escrow just closed.
I'm gonna call this contractor, get him to meet me When I'm done with this house, I flip it and we make a little profit, I'm taking you to Hawaii, 'cause my honey loves the sea.
Well, my friends, I would love to stay, but I have debts to whisper.
And by the by, it's official.
Marshall and Courtney Game on.
- That girl that was here at dinner? - Marshall's dating a girl? I guess that makes sense On opposite day.
I bet she's fantasizing he's Edward Cullen.
You have something against wildly popular vampire novels? It's so objectifying, like virginity is this prized possession.
Such a sophomoric view of sex.
I think they are sophomores.
How often do you think about sex? - Me? - I think about it all the time.
Aren't you sort of dying of curiosity? I am.
I guess.
There's a million things I'm completely clueless about.
For example: do you know how to do "dogs in a bathtub"? What are "dogs in a bathtub"? Exactly.
So, Marshall says he's straight now? I think he's confused.
Who isn't, sister? I'm not.
I'm marrying Nick, and I'm ecstatic.
- I had a girlfriend when I was his age.
- You dated women? It was the '70s, honey.
Girlfriends, boyfriends If it could dance, I'd do it.
I was a "LUG" A lesbian until graduation.
But it was only for one semester.
You never told me about any women.
Her name was Gretchen, and she was very proud of her vagina.
What? Why did God call it a vagina? Why didn't he call it something cute and french? Like what "crouton"? I do love croutons.
I always wondered what makes straight women go gay.
That's easy Menopause.
Oprah did a whole show on it.
I'm gonna go gay when I'm ready to start eating crabs again.
All I know is, it took me years to figure out what I really wanted Men, women, et ceteras.
I had to do a full investigation.
You have to touch it, live it, taste it to know it.
You got to get up in it.
Hello, Pammy.
Why, hello.
Good afternoon.
Good aftern Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Pammy.
Man, this is the third time Sully's late.
How much money did you give him for materials? Boy, boy, boy.
You know what? I think you have been sully-rigged.
He'll show up.
What you don't get, Neil, is people can have a hard time, then, out of nowhere, they turn it around.
People change.
People change, and then they change right back.
It's been months since Tara got out of the hospital.
Sure, I worry, but the fact is, she's healthier than ever.
Got this house we're gonna flip.
Hell, Marshall's even dating a girl.
People surprise you.
You think, like, maybe Charmaine could, come around or come back around to a freak like me? You want my opinion? Maybe she's not good enough for you.
Maybe there's some terrific women on eharmony.
com right now.
Women who can't wait to be with a freak like you.
I don't want a terrific woman, man.
I want Charmaine.
Your check bounced.
Is that your ride? Sort of.
My neighbor blew his brains out, so now I'm driving it.
You owe me money.
- What up? - Hey, Ricky.
Taking a break from your busy schedule raising the median income around here? I'm Ricky.
Ricky's a trustafarian.
Cool.
- What's a trustafarian? - Trust-fund baby who only says hello to me when there's a pretty blond girl around.
So, what's up? You guys feel like partying? Hi, Pammy.
Why You look pretty.
You look You look pretty.
You do.
I'm gonna give you a check from my personal account this time.
I can't believe you're a debt collector.
Why'd you want to work for the man? Probably 'cause she's not living off of him.
I'm off the grid, babe No bank accounts, no electricity.
No, Just daddy's money.
Shit is fucking hilarious, Lynda.
It's awesome, but it's hilarious.
Here.
It's good.
I promise.
Thanks.
So, tell me something.
Do you feel better now? You have your paper with the numbers on it, promising that more numbers are gonna be transferred between a couple of fucking accounts, which is basically just more numbers, anyway? Leave the girl alone.
Some of us have to work.
Now, where's this party you keep promising? You see, her eyes are open.
- But their sense is shut.
- What is it she does now? Stop, stop, Alex.
You're playing a doctor from the olden days, not a slutty dental hygienist.
Places.
How am I doing? Great.
You're very skilled Really.
Am I? Thank you.
That's really a relief.
You never know if you have a talent for something until you actually do it.
Okay, my turn.
You try me now.
All right.
Let's see.
Am I getting warm? Close.
Here Give me your hand.
Yet, here's a spot.
That feels excellent, Marshall.
One, two.
Why, then, tis time to do it.
Hell is murky.
Cut! What is that sound? House lights.
Okay, I swear we're psychic friends.
I was just thinking about you.
Let me get you a beer.
Take a load off.
You don't even have to fight the kids today for your favorite chair.
They're with their daddy.
That's my spot, silly.
I get it.
You want to try out mama bear's chair 'cause it's so soft? All right, daddy.
- Here's your beer, honey.
- Thanks.
Thanks, hon.
Are you okay? 'cause you know I like it when you're happy.
We went to funworld? Yeah, we did.
That was a fun day? And a fun night.
Man.
I I got a headache coming on.
It's like a gang of elves in there with Jackhammers.
Let me work on it, baby.
Pammy's got just what you need.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
When she's on medication or whatever, she's like this new person.
Good for her.
The other day, I walked in on them moaning and groaning over some paint chips.
Man, that weed was fantastic.
The only thing about Ricky's Trustafarian weed is it makes me crave shit like pasta marinara with prosciutto and bananas.
You know, it's actually pretty good.
I mean, maybe the tomato's stepping on the banana a little bit.
- What's all that stuff? - After you stopped by, I thought about all my Princess Valhalla Hawkwind shit.
Wanna see it? These boots are badass! Comic book.
PVH escapes her evil dad in order to rescue her sister.
Yeah, I know about this.
I saw it online.
All while wearing small, red boy shorts.
And flying with pink wings.
Ridiculous.
- And rad.
- You know you really do look like her.
Bullshit.
You just think all white people look alike.
Well You know At the risk of getting distracted from the capital that I'm here to survey and then retrieve I'm gonna be right back.
I can't believe this.
I can't fucking believe this! I don't think you understand.
I have a disorder.
Yeah, right.
Sex addicts, tweakers, alcoholics, oxy-morons Always the disease's fault, isn't it? Never someone just being an asshole! I'm not trying to be an asshole.
I'm Have you seen Sybil? It's like that.
You're lying to me! I'm not lying.
Buck is a personality A fake personality.
And he He takes me over, and I can't control what he does.
You're the fake personality.
No, I'm I'm Tara.
I'm the And you better watch your ass.
You better watch your ass, because I'm gonna tell Buck you came over here and you did this to me, and he will fuck you up for hurting me.
He promised he'd never let anyone hurt me.
I don't want to hurt you, Pammy.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I fucking never get the guy.
You ready for this? Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Damn, girl.
You're a superstar.
Sully's phone number's disconnected.
He ripped you off.
Relax, okay? Recording says it's temporary.
There's a recession going on, in case you haven't heard.
Denial! No, I just I don't sweat the small stuff anymore, okay? Life's too short And, these days, too good.
Max, I need your opinion.
My ring is loose.
Now, should I wait and tell Nick, or can I just get it resized myself? Is that an engagement ring? Yeah, it is.
May I see it? It's very pretty.
Yeah, it's I guess it's - The clarity is a VS2, and - I'll see you around, Charmaine.
The color number isn't really all that high.
So, you know, I guess it could be a lot prettier.
He knows I'm with Nick now.
You should have told him weeks ago you were getting married.
He probably feels like you lied to him.
He'll be all right.
So Should I take the ring back myself or not? Holy crap.
This shit is biblical.
Here.
I'll smoke you out.
I'm not into weed.
It makes me like action movies.
Well, you're not into girls, but you're not letting that stop you.
How is your beard, anyway? You guys boning? Way to go, Trick.
Give me that.
What are you gonna do with all that money? I only get 5%.
Or I might just rip it up.
- Why? - Because I like my new friends more than I like numbers on a piece of paper.
But if you don't turn it in, won't you get in trouble? Dude, take another hit.
Heterosexuality is stressing you out.
Can I ask you something? What does "dogs in a bathtub" mean? I waited for fucking three hours, and Sully blew me off again.
You know, honey, we need to have more fun.
I feel like the most entertaining thing we do is dole out these.
What? We have fun.
We renovate the house next door, we medicate me, and say "I love you" a lot.
'Cause I love you.
I'm serious! Let's do something! - Bowling.
- I fucking hate bowling! You know what would be fun? Jazzercise? Ice skating.
Remember? Feel a chill in the air The zamboni machine.
Open skate! Hi.
How high are you? I'm fine, ma'am.
How high are you? Come on out, you two.
We're going on an adventure.
- And bring your mittens.
- Adventure! Where? Can you turn that down? Can I get your attention, please? I didn't want to do this But, you know, you only go around one time in this life, and sometimes it's "speak now or forever hold your piece.
" So I'm gonna speak now, because I've been holding it all my life.
Buck, I love you.
I love you.
I was up all night thinking about you and about us.
And, finally, I just said "fuck it.
" These past few weeks have been the best ones of my life.
I just I love you for who you really are Buck, Tara, all of you.
And, you know, I'm not afraid of whatever disease you got.
I hope I catch it.
You made me want to have to get the guy.
Way to go! You can go back to your skating, or counterclockwise, or as you were.
Nice speech! All I've ever done is be good to you.
That's all I've ever done Just be good to you.
Hot dog.
Everything's going normal.
I guess we really shouldn't be surprised.
Come on, you guys.
Look on the bright side.
Don't.
Now, to answer your question, the dogs are your balls, and the bathtub is Give me my money back.
That's all I want.
Relax, will you? It's my kid's birthday.
Come on, come on.
Don't get your panties in a bunch, Maxie.
All right? Say hi to Tara.
Asswipe.