Up Pompeii (1970) s02e03 Episode Script

AMMONIA: Take it out, Lurcio.
Take it out! -All right.
Yes, mistress, yes.
-No one's going to see you.
-All right, mistress, all right.
-Take the statue to the plasterer's.
All right, mistress! All right! Oh, dear, she does go on.
Who would be a slave? Well, when you have to walk through the streets of Pompeii, right through carrying this, I mean, you really have touched rock bottom, haven't you? No, well, it's not good enough.
Oh, excuse me.
Now, this is, uh This is Well, this is bust, you see? But, erm, you know, erm Please, please, now just remember where we are.
This, this is Ceres.
Ceres, the goddess of plenty.
And I do mean plenty.
Definitely a double-feature attraction.
Well, I better take you inside, I think, lest autumn comes quickly in.
Autumn.
Autumn, leaves falling, you understand? Come on.
No.
I can't explain all these precious jewels of jokes, you know.
Going for a song.
(HUMMING) Well, now.
Greetings, good citizens.
Ooh.
The prologue.
Now, our story today concerns Aphrodite.
Aphrodite, who as you may or may not know is that cow of a woman who lives next door.
I hate her.
I don't care.
I do, honestly, I hate her.
Now, look, you know me.
I'm the last one to talk about anyone behind their backs.
I mean, you know that.
But it came to pass Woe, woe! Oh, dear.
It sounds like the milkman calling his horse.
Nay, nay! I think it is his horse.
-Beware! -Oh, dear.
Here she is, the soothsayer, Senna.
Woe, woe! Oh, doesn't she go through you? -Dishonour will fall on this house this day! -Dishonour? One who is a traitor to the state will be exposed and laid bare.
Oh, well, I think it's the best way to be laid, dear.
-A seeker of intimate details will come -Yes? pitting man against man, woman against woman.
Yes, and vice versa, I trust.
-Or we all shall be in trouble, yes.
-Beware, beware! -Beware! -Oh, dear.
Poor old soul.
It is a damn shame.
She is a real misery.
No, she has these visions.
Nasty visions.
Ever since she saw something nasty in the woodshed.
Actually it was the gardener sawing himself off a piece.
But I mean It was a real It's been a burden to her, poor soul.
Now, the prologue.
Now, this woman Aphrodite.
I hate her.
I absolutely hate her.
And, d'you know, I'm the last one to scandal monger but last week there was no less than eight men in there.
She had no less than eight men! Now, look, you can't tell me she's forming a tug-of-war team.
I don't believe it.
What do you think I am, stupid or something? Well, don't take a vote on it! Don't be wicked.
No, anyway It came to pass Lurcio! Lurcio! -Yes, master? -What are you doing? -I'm doing the prologue, master.
-Well, don't.
Lurcio, I've got myself into the most awful trouble.
Oh, don't tell me you've joined her tug-of-war team.
-Shh! Not here.
-What? -Come into the house.
-Oh, yes, all right, yes.
I better go in, I suppose.
-Lurcio, Lurcio! -Yes, master.
-Where's your mistress? -She's upstairs, in the bath.
Ah, good, good.
Is anyone else in? Oh, no.
There's hardly room for two, master.
-In the house, I mean.
-No, master.
Only us.
Just you and I.
-Lurcio? -Yes.
For some time now, I have had the honour of being the Minister of Defence, as you know.
Yes.
But they don't know, so you better continue.
Now, this morning I discovered that someone had stolen the plans for our new secret weapon.
Not the giant catapult? Yes.
How did you know about it? Well, I heard it from the milkman.
That's funny, I was told by the dustman.
Ooh.
-But Lurcio.
-What? I don't think you appreciate the seriousness of this situation.
Oh, I do.
You can tell by the lack of laughs.
Oh, I do.
-You see, this catapult -What? can hurl a missile through the air a distance of fully 25 feet.
25 feet! 25 feet! (BOTH SPEAKING IN HIGH PITCH) No, don't you try.
Don't you try it.
You'll hurt yourself.
Keep down there.
That's the best thing for you.
-When I tell you -What? that that missile is the size of a coconut! -A coconut? -In fact, it is a coconut! It is a coconut! Well, you can see that if that fell into enemy hands, it could be the end of civilisation as we know it! Yes, one lovely bunch of coconuts, and up Pompeii.
You see, the plan was stolen from my office.
-Your office? -Yes.
Now, look, master.
Think very carefully now.
Are you sure you've searched in your drawers? But I'm not wearing any.
That's in answer to all of those viewers who have written in asking.
Mostly from Scotland.
-So, Lurcio.
-What? -Now, this plan, we must search -NAUSIUS: Lurcio, Lurcio! It's my son.
My son.
Shh.
-Not a word about this.
-Oh, no, master.
No, no, no.
Oh, hello, Pater.
Pater, the most wonderful thing has happened.
I have no time for that now, my son.
I'm late for the Senate.
Oh, poor Pater.
It seems to be all work and no play.
Yeah, I know.
And when he does try to play, it doesn't work.
-Oh, Lurcio.
-What, master? I have seen a wondrous sight.
Don't tell me you've seen one of those coconuts.
-A magnificent maiden.
-A maiden? Yes.
Now, Lurcio, I shall never be the same again.
Oh! Eh? Don't tell me you've finally sort of You know, sort of Met? Well, I didn't exactly mean that.
Oh, alas now, Lurcio.
She doesn't even know that I'm alive.
No.
I wouldn't swear to it meself without a second opinion.
Every night I sit in a wine shop opposite her apartment waiting for her to pass by.
-Do you? -But when she does I'm too tiddly even to wink.
Look, I'll do the corny gags.
Do you mind? -Oh, but, Lurcio -What? -I've written an ode to her.
-Oh, you haven't.
-I have.
-He has.
Aw.
May I resuscitate this ode to the assembled conglomeration? Please.
His ode, how sweet.
"Ode to a Chaste Woman.
" Listen, it's not that woman living next door to us, is it? -No.
-You sure? Because I hate her.
I hate the sight of her.
All right, friends.
His ode.
"She walks in beauty like the night Her charms I cannot resist I'll drink one more toast to her I love most And get myself thoroughly miserable" I was lost for a rhyme there.
Kissed.
Kissed.
I mean, it's so obvious, isn't it? So obvious.
It's obvious to me, at any rate.
You speak for yourselves.
Not now! -Thank you, Lurcio.
Thank you.
-Not at all.
I'm going to stick it on the wall above my bed.
I was going to suggest you stick it somewhere else.
Strange boy.
Most strange.
He goes from bed to verse.
Bed to verse! Come on, buck up! We're flogging ourselves to death here.
Oh, isn't this whimsical, isn't it? Well, please yourselves.
Hark! (KNOCKING) Hello? A stranger cometh.
Excuse me.
Yes, not today, thank you.
(SHUSHING) Pardon? Shut the door and bolt it.
I say, if you've come about the smell on the landing (SHUSHING) What? Walls have ears.
-Pardon? -Walls have ears.
Since we're exchanging information, ceilings get plastered.
Ceilings get plastered! Don't bother.
What a funny man.
What do you mean, this show needs one? Would you mind shutting your gobs? Shh! Don't do that, please! I'm getting soaked! This was cleaned only today.
Now, please.
Is this the house of Senator Ludicrus? If it is, just say, "My rhubarb is wilting.
" If it isn't If it isn't, just say, "The herrings fly high tonight.
" My rhubarb is wilting.
Thank heaven.
It isn't, as you know.
But you have to humour them, don't you? Now, where's he gone? Oh, my stomach went over.
-Shh! -Don't keep doing that, you've caught the whole front row of the audience.
-Now desist.
-Now, look! What? Are you one of us? Pardon? Are you one of us? It depends who you are, I should think.
Don't you? Hello? Where's he taking me? Eh? I am Spurious.
Well, I must say, you don't surprise me.
-Spurious! -Spurious? -MIV.
-MIV? Military Intelligence, section five.
Oh, MIV Five! You see, five.
You see? Excuse fingers.
Shh! Can I trust you? I think the thing is, can I trust you? Yes.
-But there's no one else.
-Well, thank God for that.
-They're coming to get me.
-Are they? I wish they'd come before this show, I'll tell you that much.
-Now, look.
-What? You'll never guess what I've got here.
I hesitate to think.
This is the missing plan.
-The missing plan? The plan! -The missing plan! -See that it gets back to Senator Ludicrus.
-Yes, yes.
-And tell no one else about this.
-No, no one else.
-No one! No one! -All right, I've got the point.
No one.
-Conceal it.
-Conceal it.
Upon your person.
-Very well, conceal it upon my person.
-Yes.
All right.
Now, where shall I put it? You dare! You dare! Go on.
I know, I'll tuck it under my girdle.
Excuse me.
I shan't keep you long.
No, I don't have to wear a girdle.
The only thing is, you see, it keeps these knickers up.
Are you jealous? You're jealous! What? Oh! -Come and sit down.
-Sit down, yes.
-Sit down.
Mind, take this.
-Yes.
-And write this down.
-Write this down.
Yes.
Oh, God, yes.
-Right, go! -The name of the traitor The name of the traitor -within -Yes.
-our midst -Within our midst -Yes? -is Is -Eh! -Yes.
-Oh! -Ooh.
-Aah! -Not too fast.
O.
-Eh! -E.
-Aah! -Ah.
Oh! This must be a Red Indian, I think.
Oh, dear, look.
I've lost the damn point.
Excuse me, you don't happen to have a knife on you by any chance, do you? Oh, ta.
Funny place to keep a knife, isn't it? (SPURIOUS GROANS) -What? -They've got me! -They've what? -I'm dying! -Dying! -Well, you can't die here! This is the living room.
This is the li You wouldn't get this from Harold Pinter.
What do you mean you wouldn't want it? -Aah! -What? I'm sinking fast.
The good blood flows fast from my body.
I'm going! The beats of my staunch heart grow fainter.
I'm going fast! My eyes cloud over.
My muscles stiffen.
I'm going! I'm going! Oh, for goodness' sake, go! We shall be here all night.
It's only supposed to be a small part.
What are you trying to get in, the honours list? (GROANING) I've gone! Yes, you have.
Too far.
-Now -I almost forgot.
Oh, God, he's come back again.
-The traitor -The traitor? -within our midst -Within out midst.
-outside -Outside? -the window.
-Yes? Yes? (GROANS) Well, have you gone this time? Good.
Let's hope it's for good, excuse me.
That's right.
He'll catch his death, he'll catch his death.
Now Did you see anybody out here? A traitor? -With a knife? -AMMONIA: Lurcio! Yes, mistress.
AMMONIA: Lurcio, I need you.
Quickly! Yes, that will be the mistress.
I expect she wants her oil rub.
You know, every time she has a bath, I have to rub her down all over with oil.
You know, all over, yes.
Yes, it helps her to slip into something comfortable.
Lurcio? Lurcio, there you are.
I'm expecting a guest.
Oh, no, mistress Mistr Oh, mistress.
Oh, dear! Something terrible has happened! Terrible! In this very room a man has been done to death! Oh, nonsense, Lurcio.
I'm the only one here, and I'd never do any man to death.
True.
But I've seen a few taken from her room damn near it.
Lurcio, you talk rubbish.
No, mistress, please, there's a man Look, ah I'll prove it.
I'll prove it.
Look.
Look! This man Lurcio, have you been drinking? Yes.
Bottoms up.
I mean No Mistress, oh, no! There's a man with his herrings wilting.
-Wilting herrings? -No, well, it's all flourishing.
And his rhubarb! That was it Oh, dear, I don't know where I'm at Lurcio, Lurcio, I fear you've had a touch of the sun.
-No, it's true! I can prove it! -Oh? Mistress, I can prove it.
I've got in my girdle tucked something which will shock you.
-Really? -Mistress, yes, let me just show you.
Believe me, it hurls coconuts 25 feet.
-Lurcio! -Yes, mistress, honestly.
Of course, if you're coconut-shy.
Coconut-shy! Oh, no, we must be serious.
This is a serious thing.
No, I mustn't show you.
I promised I would show it to no one except the master.
Oh, really, Lurcio, I've had enough of this nonsense.
I shall be in my room.
And when my guest arrives send him up.
Yes, mistress.
Oh, but it doesn't Oh, dear.
I must be the victim of some ghastly plot.
And believe me, this is the ghastliest plot we've had so far.
I wish they'd just stick to gags and nothing else.
They're much easier.
(JAMES BOND THEME PLAYING ON THE HARP) Hello? Where's that music coming from? I didn't leave the harp on.
Greetings, friend.
Oh, sir.
Oh, this is 00VII.
Look, 007.
Come on, don't be ignorant.
Jamus Bondus.
All right, kids, you can go home now.
-Oh, Jamus! -Oh, no! I think I can walk the rest of the way myself.
-Sir.
-I think you have something that I want.
Yeah, I was just going to say the same thing about you, actually.
-A plan, to be exact.
-A plan, yes, sir.
Yes.
A plan.
Yes, I wonder.
I wonder if I can trust him.
You see, he might be working for the other side, mightn't he? Hmm.
I'll test him.
-May I ask you a personal question? -Yes.
How flourishes your rhubarb? I beg your pardon? Let me put it this way.
How wilteth your herrings? I don't think you can be the chap that I'm looking for.
-Do you mind if I have a look around? -Of course, of course.
After all, what have I got to hide? Very little, I should imagine.
Little does he know, it hurls coconuts 25 feet.
You won't go away, will you? Oh, no.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I have an appointment.
But it can wait.
Oh, I should hate to have to hurt you.
Yes, well, I'm very glad about that.
Excuse me, what are you doing? I am fitting a silencer.
I see.
He must want a little peace.
I say, it opens this way.
Mmm, clever.
I can't think how he got the part, can you? Lurcio? Lurcio, I heard talking.
Has my guest arrived? Yes Now Well Ooh Ah, now Well, no.
Yes.
It's See You see, it's anoth It's a stranger.
It's a stranger.
Not the one you expected.
Oh, how disappointing.
But is there anything I can do for him? -No, I think he's after something else, mistress.
-Oh.
Let me think.
Now, I don't know, though.
Ah, this Bondus man.
I've heard he has a weakness for women.
Yes.
Pompeii is full of Bond's women.
Bondswomen.
I have to laugh meself, and I'm in it.
Now, I wonder if she could get something out of him.
She'll probably be able to, she's had plenty of practice.
-Mistress, mistress.
-Yes? The master.
The master is in trouble.
Oh, at his age, I can't imagine how.
Look, mistress, I wonder if you could get this man, you see, and And find out what he's after.
(GASPS) Lurcio, what are you suggesting? Well, I'm suggesting you take him to one side alone and use your wiles.
-Wiles? -Just for a while.
Oh, certainly not.
Really, Lurcio, what do you think I am? That I, the wife of a prominent Roman senator, could stoop to fling myself at any man just to Certainly not.
(CLEARING THROAT) Until we've been introduced.
Oh, this is Jamus Bondus.
I am the lady Ammonia.
The wife of Senator Ludicrus Sextus.
I have heard that you had a great beauty.
Funny, I've heard the same about you.
Hello.
Listen.
There's going to be two falls and two submissions.
Is there anywhere that we can talk alone? The music room.
Excellent.
Let's go and play something.
Ooh, look! Ooh! It's getting interesting now.
Let's have a look, shall we? Come, let's have a look, shall we? Come on, come have a look.
That's it.
Have a look, see what's going on.
Don't rush, there's plenty of time.
Oh, no, there isn't! Quick, hurry! (LURCIO EXCLAIMING) That's enough.
That's enough.
Go on, get back.
Go on, get back.
That's enough.
You've had enough.
You won't sleep tonight.
Neither shall I, come to that.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, now what shall we do? While they're in there for the next 10 minutes? I don't feel like doing the prologue, do you? I've gone right off that.
I feel all taut.
Do you? I feel all taut.
And I bet she's taught him a thing or two already.
Now, if this was a fictional spy story.
Fictional.
You know what would happen, don't you? The door would open and there would stand a beautiful woman.
(SIGHS) Beautiful.
Mysterious.
Intelligent.
And she would move slowly forward.
Forward across the room in front of me.
Good afternoon.
And She would try to get something out of me, but I wouldn't divulge.
Do you understand? I would stand firm, fast.
I wouldn't Hello? I'm being got at.
I'm being tampered with.
You're beautiful.
She's noticed.
I told you she was intelligent.
Yes.
They call me Galoria.
-They call you what? -Galoria.
Galoria! Galoria! Pussus Galoria.
Pussus Galoria.
Pussus.
I love the way you Do that again.
BOTH: Pussus! Do you like that? One more, then.
One for the road.
BOTH: Pussus.
Pussus Galoria.
-Yes.
-I'm an expert in espionage.
-Are you? -In my field I stand out.
Oh, no one would dispute that.
Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
It just slipped out.
Did it? I wish I'd been there when it happened.
Come to Pussus.
Excuse me, I'm going to Pussus.
-You know -Yeah? -You do something to me.
-Oh, yes? Yes, I do things to most women.
-Actually -Hmm? I'm looking for something.
Oh, yes? In that case, you've come to the right man.
-Tell me -Yeah.
Where is it? First on the left, down the corridor.
Why don't we get a little more friendly? Yes, why don't we get more friendly? -Over a glass of wine, perhaps? -Glass of wine.
Little dinky.
Little dinky doo-das.
Little dinky donks.
-But don't you bother yourself.
-Oh? I'll get it.
Yes, so will I, I hope.
You know what she's after, don't you? This plan tucked under me girdle.
Yes.
Oh, it sticks out a mile.
It does, too.
Look.
Excuse me.
-Ah! -Come and sit by me.
I'm going to Pussus again.
There we are.
And we'll get a little more comfortable.
A little more comfortable, yes.
Little donky doo-das.
Do that Pussus bit.
I like that.
BOTH: Pussus.
Yes, eh? Pussus, Pussus, Pussus.
Yes.
-Dinky donks? -Dinky? Dinky.
Ah-ha! Oh, yes.
You know what she's gonna do now, don't you? She's gonna slip a drug in my wine, look.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Cheeky cat.
That's saucy, innit? Look.
Don't worry.
I'll foil her plan.
I'm no fool.
What? We must be careful, mustn't we? Trying to signal something, perhaps? -That's yours.
-Oh, this one.
Ah, yes, of course.
Oh, the herrings are flying high.
(LAUGHING) -Dinky? -Dinky.
Dinky donks.
Dinky donky-doo-dah donks.
-This mine? Yes.
-Yes.
Cheerio.
-Goodbye.
-You could say that, yes.
(SIGHS) That's it.
Thank you so much.
So, that's your little plan, was it? Didn't work, did it? Your plan didn't work at all.
You're feeling all drowsy, aren't you? You have a limp feeling going through your blood, your veins.
Don't you, eh? Your plan didn't work, did it? (LAUGHS) Your face is going hazy before my very eyes, isn't it? Yes, you're sailing all of the ceilings, aren't you? And (EXCLAIMS) Drenched the whole front and (SHUSHING) Pussus.
(MUMBLING) The prologue.
And it came to pass out.
LUDICRUS: Wake up! Wake up! Lurcio.
Lurcio.
Come back now.
Now, wake up.
Wake up.
-Have you been drinking? -Yes.
Drunk! You were supposed to be searching for the plan.
Don't worry about the plan, master.
-I've got it.
I've got it.
-You have? -Yes.
-Where? It's under me girdle.
Oh, splendid.
You see what a magnificent fellow he is, Nausius? The perfect slave.
Oh, master, it's gone.
What? You incompetent clod! That girl.
That girl must have stolen it.
-That Pussus.
-Pussus? -Yes.
-But that's the name of the woman I love.
Pussus Galoria.
Pussus? Do you know where she lives? Yes, of course.
In the apartment opposite the Newt's Wine Lodge.
Newt's Wine Lodge? Right.
We must get there at once.
-Follow me! -We may yet find the plan! Well, I'm not worried about your plan.
She's pinched me bloody girdle.
Master.
Now, stop that.
No peeking.
Don't take advantage of the plot.
Now.
Master, come up.
Come on.
Come up, master, you're all right.
That's it.
Be careful how you go.
Mind, now, now! -(WHOOPING) Oh! -Oh, dear! Now, that's nasty! -Oh, I'm stuck! -Oh, yes.
Oh, that's No, no, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
It's like sitting on a very thin horse.
-Get your leg up.
-They're caught! Pardon? My hands.
Come on, that's right.
Get up from there.
That's it.
-What a relief.
-Yes, master, it must be.
-Yes, is this her apartment? -Yes.
These are her clothes.
I can see the teeth marks.
Shh! -She's in the bath.
-Yes.
-Ah! Now's our chance to have a good look.
-Oh, yes.
Yes, round the apartment, master.
Now, you take that half, I'll take this half.
Good afternoon.
Jamus Bondus! (EXCLAIMS) No, no, get up! Oh, God! Dear! He's a dead loss, this.
Oh, dear.
-Master, look! -Oh! Lurcio, what have you done? I haven't done anything, master.
Look.
Well, open the door wide.
That's right.
There we are.
Where has he gone? Master, come out of there.
(GROANS) I'm going! I'm going! He should have gone 20 minutes ago! -Master, master, let's get out of here.
-Yes.
Gentlemen.
Good evening.
What a pleasant surprise.
I suppose this plan is what you're after? -Yes, please.
-Then come and get it.
Oh, bags I.
(LURCIO GASPS) Oh, no, please don't! Oh, no, please, I'm too young to die, please! We've got the rest of the series to finish, please don't kill me.
-Galoria! -LURCIO: Ah-ha! Lurcio, take your hands off my Pussus! PUSSUS: Help me! Leave her alone! Here we are Leave her alone! -No! No! -Stop it! Stop it! (GLASS BREAKING) Fooled you, didn't it? Quickly, Lurcio, let me get the plan.
Master, don't worry.
I've already got it.
Oh, it's still warm, too.
What a night! What a night! Well, thank goodness we got those plans back.
Otherwise there could have been the most terrible catastrophe.
After all, it's the most original weapon ever invented.
Well, let's face it.
It hurls coconuts 25 feet! I mean, what else could do that? We don't need volunteers, dear, thank you very much.
Oh, dear.
Oh, well, let's continue the prologue.
It came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Oh, dear, here she is again.
The Etruscans are bombarding the city! -They're bombarding the city? -The end is here! If they're bombarding the city, the end certainly is here.
Yes.
Well, I must leave you.
I'll leave you with the words of Plautus, "Id hat hot fotutum titifolorum nausium tabutu.
" Which loosely translated means, "One man's Pussus is another man's Galoria.
" Hey, stop that, madam.
Please.
I'm going! I'm going! And I'm coming with you.
Salute! Salute!