Velma (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Previously on Velma
What I did was wrong.
I'm just so desperate
to stop my hallucinations.
Then you leave me no choice
but to help you cure them.
And you should hope I still wanna jump
your bones once you're damage free.
So, someone is now killing men
associated with Dr. Perdue's journals
and removing their dongs.
Have you heard of manifesting?
As tolerant as I've become,
I still find that stuff a little silly.
Vincent?
- Oh, God!
- Velma!
There are many things
I feel strongly about. Our planet.
No more fracking for oil.
Or saying fracking
as a double entendre!
Adult women who wear pigtails.
You're too fracking old!
But my whole life,
nothing has made me angrier
than rich people.
Because they have money, they think
they can get away with anything.
Museums should be named
after robber barons, not murderers.
Change this name!
Because, annoyingly, they can.
So, there is no amount of money
that would make me okay
with William Jones
dating my mom.
Well, then, how about I date
your mom and open bar?
No way.
Unlike a recorded message from any
failed '90s celeb, I can't be bought.
What? No one ever says no to me.
Velma, you left your inhaler in my van.
Oh, God! Dad! No!
I mean, yes.
I can't say no to you
'cause of your money,
but I'm still upset!
Now, I'm sure you're both wondering
how William and I became lovers.
It began with an interview
for my memoir, and we just connected.
We connected so hard,
I hurt my back.
But the point is Diya's the one person
I found
who I can talk to honestly
about Victoria.
You can talk honestly to me
about Mom.
Just don't criticize her,
because I will lash out.
Okay. You had your fun. Now,
let's never mention it again,
unless a baby
with a bowtie and a monocle
pops out in nine months. Good?
No, Velma. We like each other.
But you fear not.
I promise to win you over with a fun
weekend at the Jones estate.
The only thing more impressive
than the house
is the number of people
who died building it.
Fat chance. The only way I'm ever
going back to your house
is with a mob
of revolting peasants.
Plus, the science fair's Monday
and you promised
to help me with my project
this weekend.
Science fair?
That's Mardi Gras for smart kids.
And you're the baby
in the king cake.
How is this the first
I'm hearing of it, Velma?
Because as rich people say
when they're asked to pay taxes,
"I ain't doing it."
And Frederick,
I promised to help
if you stopped claiming your mother
was possessed by an evil ghost.
I guess I should hire someone
to go talk to him.
Good idea. I need to have
a little chat with Velma, as well.
About what? How much my therapy
is gonna set you back?
Run the diagnostic, Lola.
I'm hallucinating.
Got it.
My grandma's research worked.
You can see exactly where the
hallucination happened in my noodle.
Hey, I can use that word,
not you.
Sorry. I just got excited.
With this data, I might be able
to neutralize my hallucinations.
And we'd totally win the science fair.
Which is great,
'cause volleyball is sure not getting me
into college anymore.
Norville, I told you. You don't need all
science to stop your hallucinations.
Just trust that the marijuana
I'm giving you will cure them.
It has zero side effects.
Now, why am I in here again?
I assume you want to test my pee
to ensure the weed's working.
Positive! We'll test again
at the science fair on Monday,
so just keep smoking.
Zero side effects.
Wait. Norville "I hate drugs" Rogers
has been getting high?
Without me? WTF?
What? No, I've just always
done what my dad says.
So, it's easier to buy
dirty pee from a friend
and pass his test,
than have a big fight.
Which reminds me,
that was my last cup.
Evelyn, I need a re-up.
What? You're on trial
for a hit and run in Miami?
But I can't wait two weeks.
My dad is testing me on Monday.
Velma, the deal is
you can only solve mysteries
if you maintain your grades
and extracurriculars.
No, Mom. The deal is you don't date
wealthy slimeballs
whose ex-wives kidnapped you.
- We never made that deal.
- We shouldn't have to.
You know I hate the rich.
I'd be a Communist,
if I didn't want to kill my lazy
teammates on every group project.
Fine. Then let me propose a deal
we can both agree on.
If you win the science fair,
I'll stop seeing William.
The science fair is a waste of time.
I'm trying to find
another serial killer,
not a more efficient way
to process ammonia
and increase global crop yield.
Wait.
You love science, you genius.
And it's something to fall back on,
if mystery solving doesn't work out.
Fine. If I win the science fair,
you dump William
and promise
no more dating rich guys.
Unless the actor, Steven Yeun,
is rich.
Have you ever needed
to push up your glasses,
scratch your nose
or swat a fly,
but you're in the middle of a complex
chemistry experiment?
Well, the future is now.
Handso, push up glasses.
Damn it!
Now how am I gonna
win the science fair?
How about, "Can curly fries
be made straight again?"
I know it's not your intent,
but that sounds homophobic.
Maybe I can help. A lot of cool
inventions come from moms
who see a need
for something.
Like, you know, those social media
videos of dogs who talk with buttons?
I only follow Gloria Steinem
and Noam Chomsky.
So, yes, it's all they post.
Well, Gigi's mom,
Susan, invented one for babies
called a Baby Babble Box.
Nap. Hungry.
Election. Stolen.
Witch hunt.
She's a genius.
See, my dad's already
dating a nightmare.
If I don't make a prizewinning project
by tomorrow,
I'm gonna end up with someone
even worse in my life.
You're welcome to join the project
I'm doing with Amber.
Amber? What does
Amber know about science?
They think bird flu was caused
by an eclipse.
I know, but my moms
are making us be partners.
They want us
to use our science project
to help solve the Mr. S
and Cogburn cases.
Oh, my God, yes! I am so in.
By manifesting some clues,
the way we manifested
our Creaky Friday win.
Our project is manifesting.
While that sounds great,
I don't know if manifesting
is science-y enough to win.
That's where you're wrong.
Since Mr. S died,
there's a new science fair judge
who's way less science-y.
Wait, who?
Norville.
How could you not tell me
your dad is judging
the science fair?
Oh, right. That's what I wanted
to tell you earlier.
I'm even getting paid.
Which is good,
because the pot
I've been buying you is not cheap.
Wait, Dad, you're judging
the science fair for money?
Are we okay?
You're not borrowing money
from the Mafia again, are you?
Norville, the only thing
you need to worry about
is curing your hallucinations
with pot
the way your loving father
tells you to.
The sooner the better.
With your dad as the judge,
you're sure to win.
Well, normally, yes.
But if I can't find some dirty pee,
he'll know I'm defying him
and freak out.
I once got detention
for telling him
B.F. Skinner wasn't
my favorite psychologist.
Damn. But wait. Not to sound
like an East German swim coach,
but if I get you some pee
to pass his drug test,
you're guaranteed to win, right?
I mean, without a doubt.
But are you seriously
gonna get high for me?
Every year you complain that 4/20
distracts from Jessica Lange's birthday.
I can't.
The one time I got high,
I was convinced
a dog was talking to me.
But if I figure it out,
can I join your science fair project?
Does a multipolar neuron
have two or more dendrites?
You bet your ass it does.
Oh. God! Handso! No!
I don't have time to spend
the weekend at your boyfriend's.
I need to figure out how
to win the science fair.
Driver, take me
to the nearest music festival.
Wait, these waters
are free, right?
Yes, and we're not going
to a music festival.
But I knew you'd get excited
about science again.
Soon you'll be like
I can't think
of a famous woman scientist.
And now I'm just picturing
Einstein with boobs.
But I still expect you
to try and enjoy this weekend.
Enjoy a rich man
using his wealth
to distract us from
the atrocities of his family?
Pass me that caviar.
It'll just go to waste otherwise.
Guys, getting pierced was such
a good science fair idea.
Was such a good
science fair idea.
Look where we are.
It's Daphne's new friend's store.
They must have put a spell on us.
What new friend?
Who do I know that can balance
popularity and a job?
- Daphne!
- Hey, Amber.
This is your mom's place?
I knew you two were opening
an occult bookstore,
but this is nuttier
than cheap trail mix.
Nutty? Wicca is just
like any other religion,
except less hating gays and more
nude frolicking in the moonlight.
We only frolic nude in the sunlight.
This is weird. Come on, Daph.
You know what? I'll catch up
with you girls later.
We have to work on our totally normal
science fair project.
Amber! Daphne, come quick!
The frogs are spawning!
Manifest abundance
before the crone flies.
Velma! Welcome.
I took the liberty of having the staff
prepare pink lemonade.
Seriously? Pink lemonade
is my favorite.
And it costs 13 cents
more than regular lemonade.
But just FYI, I still think
all rich people are evil.
Which is why I've taken a note
from the numerous musicals
depicting a plucky
but downwardly mobile young woman
visiting a rich man's home,
and had the staff prepare a musical
number to make you feel welcome.
You are poor
So you will like this
Some joy in your
Grubby little life, Miss
Let us treat you
Like a prince Princess
What the hell is going on?
It's like a big type of Act Two
musical number.
You can lead
A life of leisure
Wash in a bath
Of ancient treasure!
Here's a robot
That thinks you're clever
Not interested.
What? No. Never.
Your own Swedish masseuse
Tell that Swede to go vamoose.
Hate walking?
Take your railway
But what would the 99% say?
Would a breakfast buffet
Be so awful?
Even Karl Marx couldn't
resist a waffle.
Don't listen to them. Father's
a traitor, and this is a house of lies.
Mother just died
Have you no remorse?
Son, I can't copulate
With a corpse!
And now you're trying
To buy Velma's love!
Fred's right! But how much money
are we speaking of?
Shall we take this
All away, then, Velma?
And pray college tuitions
Don't overwhelm ya?
You're poor!
Who am I kidding?
I am poor and I love this!
Take me to that money bath.
Fred, can I come in?
It's just me,
your dad's new girlfriend.
Nothing weird.
I know. And I'm not mad
about you dating my dad.
Monogamy is for the middle class.
I'm mad because my father's
punishing me
for thinking my mom's innocent.
Well, sometimes parents
have to be tough on kids
because they care about them
and don't want to be embarrassed
publicly by their dumb choices.
You wanna hear about caring?
Every year Mother helped me
with my science fair project.
She loved hiring the scientists
to do all the work
and then stiffing them
if I didn't win.
I miss her so much.
Fred, I'm sorry, but as a way
to get to know each other,
maybe I could help you
with your project.
And what do I have
to do in return?
Teach you how to fit
into polite society?
- Nothing. Just pick a project.
- Actually
Mother never even
let me do that.
And I have always wondered
where toast comes from.
My hypothesis is the kitchen.
Well, that sounds
like a good start.
Lola! I did it!
You figured out the right amount
of Chinese food for two people?
No. The scientific community
has given up on that.
I calculated exactly
how much electricity I need
to shock the neurons,
causing my hallucinations.
If it works, my dad will
assume it was the pot
and I won't have to pass
any more drug tests.
Okay, but to be safe,
before shocking your brain,
maybe try it on
something else first.
I'm confident in my equations.
But hey, if you insist.
Velma, if we want to win,
I'm gonna need that tainted pee.
I'm on it, because even though
I've come to appreciate vast wealth
and no longer wanna break up
my mom and William,
I'm still a good
and honorable person.
Eat this and then
pee in a cup for me. Pull.
Where's Velma?
- Norville? Test time.
- One second.
My dad is going to test me.
If Velma doesn't show up
with the dirty pee,
I'll just have to
try the shock treatment.
At least the last potato
almost didn't explode.
Norville, you can't risk it.
Just smoke weed already.
TBH, this jar is half bong water.
- Hey, Norville.
- Velma, my number one buddy.
And by number one,
I mean urine.
Velma's here. Yes, I refer to myself
in the third person now.
So, do you have the pee or not?
Yes! I'm saved.
Why does this have a price tag?
And why is it $9.99?
Wait. This is too funny.
You know what this is?
This is a juice shot,
my fabulous wellness doctor
has put me on.
Okay, but where's the dirty pee?
Papa needs that liquid gold.
Sorry. One of the cleaning people
must have thrown it out.
But don't worry. It's okay if you fail
the test and we lose.
I want my mom to date William.
It's not okay!
My dad will freak out!
And I didn't plan on having our
inevitable "I'm not you, Dad" fight,
until I got my Carl Jung poster
back from the framers.
Norville, listen to Velma.
As someone who now lives
a life of zero consequences,
believe me when I say this, too much
stress is terrible for your skin.
But still, I'll make this right.
What?
And so, in conclusion,
while we can now
say with confidence
where toast comes from
where it came from before
the advent of the toaster,
remains one of science's
greatest mysteries.
Great job, Fred.
You even managed
to say "focaccia" inoffensively.
Wait, why do I feel
all warm and safe?
Because that's what hugs feel like?
No! Mother said hugs drained children
of their resilience.
That's why she selflessly
refused to ever give me one.
Okay. Well, since you're
so good at science now,
do you wanna
test out that hypothesis?
I guess. I mean, I'm always happy
to prove Mother right.
Little Freddie feel cozy.
No! These feelings
are wrong. Stop!
- Fred, I'm sorry.
- I hate this.
- Stop hugging me!
- I'm trying.
- You need to come to the science fair.
- I'm here. Have a surprise for Velma.
Our science fair project was testing
the power of positive reinforcement.
So we spoke different words
to rats
and then measured
their maize feed.
The rat called Smart did way better
than the one called Sexy.
But the best was mine.
Hot Bitch.
Oh, wonderful!
Okay, so what's this project,
you Hot Bitches?
It's about focusing
on what you want.
Like my moms need clues
in their Mr. S
and Sheriff Cogburn
murder investigation.
We wrote, "Find the killer" on a piece
of paper, sealed it in this envelope
and spent 10 minutes each day
visualizing his discovery.
That is the dumbest project here,
and I just ate Fred's project.
I'm so sorry your moms
made you work with Amber.
Wait. They made you
work with me?
The crows in my dream
were right.
I knew better
than to doubt them.
No, Olive's wrong.
I wanted to work with you,
but I was too embarrassed
to admit it to my friends,
which is crazy,
because you're so interesting,
and I think our project's amazing.
I agree.
Every day I envision
I'm such a perfect father
that Norville will never feel the need
to think for himself
and push me away.
Mr. Rogers! Come quick.
Norville cured his hallucinations.
As Daddy knew he would.
See? That's the area that caused
the hallucinations.
It used to be all lit up,
and now there's nothing.
Norville, you did it.
See? The pot worked.
I'm so happy.
There's literally nothing
I wouldn't do for you right now.
I'd love to win the science fair.
Okay, so about that
Don't wanna invest in that.
Maybe. Oh, hello!
Hello, science fair participants.
So many amazing projects.
Almost all of them
went right over my head.
Regardless, the winner of this year's
blue ribbon is Velma Dinkley.
- What?
- What? How?
I didn't enter. Though rich me
does still feel pretty deserving of it.
Velma, in conjunction with her partner,
Neil deGrasse Tyson
and with generous funding
from the Fred D. Jones Foundation,
proved aliens are more likely to exist
than to not exist.
- Burn the rich!
- You're welcome, Velma.
What? You bought
the science fair for me?
But I didn't want to win.
And now everyone hates me.
Velma, being hated
is a huge part of being rich.
It's right up there
with calling waiters "garcon"
and hiring lookalikes
to confuse crowds.
Remember, you get paid
by the bruise.
There they are. Get 'em!
Well, I'm not rich.
So, if people are gonna hate me,
I wanna earn it.
Like Scrooge
or a bad boy of tennis.
I get that.
It's just such a shame you'll never get
rich solving mysteries.
Yeah, but only because my mom
will probably force me
to do something boring with my life,
like cure heart disease.
Actually, Velma, if solving mysteries
is what you wanna do, then go all in.
Parents don't always know what's
best for their kids, right, William?
Speak for yourself.
I handled Fred perfectly.
Why, this is the first weekend
in ages
I haven't heard any nonsense
about ghosts or Victoria.
What?
This means so much to me,
and my partner,
Vermoose Drunkie.
Everyone!
I understand you're upset.
But I will not accept this
as I did not work on this project.
Worse, I bailed on the team
I was supposed to work with
because I didn't know money would
make me forget about my friends.
Even though I was warned
by, like, every movie.
Regardless, the blue ribbon
should go to Norville.
His project is obviously the best.
Thank you, Velma,
but I don't deserve it, either.
I just copied work
my grandmother did in the '70s.
The only project here
that looks like it didn't have
an adult actually doing all the work
is Fred's toast thing.
- Give the award to him.
- Seriously?
I said, get off me!
Thank you, Norville. It says a lot
when you get more support
from the grandson of the woman
who ruined your life
than your own father.
Hey, we don't have enough context
to fully understand that.
It's okay, because I do.
Fred, look,
I'm sorry I refused to work
on your science fair project with you.
I thought you needed a reality check.
But maybe what you really need
is a father
who's willing to listen,
even if what you're saying
is batshit crazy.
Really? That was mostly the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
Yes. Would you like to use our upper
limbs to briefly cling together?
I suppose just this one time.
Hey, Hot Bitch is missing!
You freaks better not have taken her
for some messed up potion.
I was gonna
feed her to my snake.
Call them a freak again,
and I'll feed you to my fist.
Daphne. Don't let them
get under your skin.
Most people dislike magic.
That's why all magicians are virgins.
I know. It's just I wanted us to find
a clue and prove manifesting works.
Maybe even win Gigi and Olive over.
But it did work.
Look what else was in the envelope.
It works on people, too?
'Cause I'm real tired of acting nice
to make people like me.
Okay. Well, in that case,
would you like to learn
some real witchcraft?
Norville, is Daphne reading
a spell book with interest?
And be warned,
your answer will dictate
how hard I squeeze your arm
in frustration.
Hard to say,
as I 100% don't give a shit.
Norville.
How did you get these journals?
How do you think?
I dressed up as a ghost and stole them
from the police station.
- What?
- Yeah.
Sometimes I do bad things
that you don't know about.
For instance, I bought tainted pee
to pass your stupid drug tests.
Oh, no! In neutralizing
his hallucinations,
Norville accidentally
removed all his empathy.
He's now functioning
with zero compassion.
This is why you listen to me.
Science has side effects.
Pot has none.
Now look me in my painfully dry,
bloodshot eyes and apologize.
No, because I think
for myself now.
And I think smoking weed
makes you a loser.
That's just the science talking.
Take it back.
Or what, loser?
Or you'll get detention.
And you can all join him
for saying "ooh" to my son.
Saturday, 7:00 AM sharp.
Welcome to hell!
Wait. What were we
just talking about?