Veronica Mars s02e03 Episode Script
Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang
Senior year.
College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six.
Since most of my extracurricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little résumé-packing.
So as of now, Veronica Mars is a future business leader of america.
Okay.
I'd like to begin our local profile series by introducing the C.
E.
O.
Of casablancas enterprises, Mr.
H.
Richard casablancas.
Uh, sure you're not looking for the future bootlickers of america? So, what am I doing in Neptune high's own little billionaire boys club instead of joining french club or model united nations? I blame my billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane.
So, who are we exploiting now? The workers.
Excellent.
And now I've lost my appetite.
Good afternoon.
I'm here to talk to you kids about the real estate business.
Now, there's nothing wrong with stocks or bonds or pork bellies or whatever else, but when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting.
Kick the tires, if you will.
Of course, most people can't just plop down $137 million for an office building in downtown tokyo.
That's where real estate investment trusts, or reits, come in.
A single $50 share in my company $52.
16, to be precise.
Very good.
Allows your average joe to pool his resources with other investors and own a piece of that tower and these condos and this hotel.
But forget the eye candy.
Here's a chart of our market capitalization versus earnings over the last two years.
Now, how's that look? It looks like it's always looked - the rich get richer, and everybody else hopes for scholarships.
Hey, Veronica? Hey, beave - I mean, Cassidy.
I think it's cool that you joined fbla, you being a girl and all.
And a poor one at that.
Can I talk to you for a sec? You are talking to me.
About my dad I'm worried, you know? Seemed to me he was doing fine for himself.
Look, it's not money, okay? Well, it is - it is money, but it's my stepmom.
She's a gold digger, and it's obvious to everyone else except my dad.
All she does is spend his money.
Unfortunately, there are no laws against exploiting rich and horny middle-aged men.
Yeah? The prenup doesn't allow her to cheat on him, either.
I found a condom wrapper in the couch.
Hardly a smoking gun given your brother's proclivities.
Look, it's just a hunch, but I'm willing to pay you a lot of money to back it up with hard proof.
Define "lot.
" $500 for a picture of kendall violating her prenup.
$1,000.
Okay.
It's her schedule.
Good luck.
Well.
I just might be a future business leader of america yet.
And 15h, spa reservation for a shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic.
Maybe I should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife.
Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
My answer was final.
I will not go to prom with him.
Now.
Deputy sacks, take me away.
So, I guess you know why you're here.
You want to tell me about it? Okay.
I confess.
God, you're good.
I have no idea why I'm here.
But I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.
He didn't need to know that you were here.
You're 18 now, kiddo.
You're an adult.
That makes one of us.
Are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated david caruso? What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? Ah, yes.
I remember that summer.
He was a roadie for whitesnake.
I was singing backup for boyz ii men.
They said it would never work, but - I'm glad that you find this amusing.
Mr.
David "curly" moran.
You've never seen him before in your life? Somewhere those million chimps with their million typewriters must have finally written "king lear" because sheriff lamb is actually right about something.
I have seen this man before.
Thanks.
So you have.
I thought so.
Missing an earring? I'm not exactly a diamonds kind of girl.
It was found outside the road hog - biker bar up the P.
C.
H.
Last place curly here was seen.
Again, what does this have to do with me? It seems that curly had your name on him.
On him? His body washed up on the beach.
Beaten to death.
Amusing, huh? so, he was serious about wanting you to run.
Why not? I'm a good candidate.
I've been sheriff before.
I know where the office is.
I look great in a hat.
And I am a local celebrity, you know, with a book currently hovering at number Mm-hmm.
So, is that good or bad? Well, as we say in the book biz, it's sort of okayish.
But they believe in it, so I'll probably be flogging it until someone famouser than Aaron Echolls murders someone.
Speaking of which, I've got a signing this weekend, and how do you feel about a romantic getaway? Chicago.
You, me, and chi-town, the windy city - a city with broad shoulders where the fog comes on little cat feet.
What do you think? This business about the little cat feet sounds intriguing.
Oh, it gets better.
They're putting me up at the rossmore hotel, and there's a nightclub at the top with this great jazz place.
How great would that - what? I thought you liked jazz.
Is it Kenny G? He ruined it for you? No.
It's very perfect.
Ugh.
Child in the room.
Hands at your sides, please.
Hey, honey.
Just in time for steak.
I had a bite.
Thanks.
You okay, sweetie? I'm super.
Thanks for asking.
That's what I like to hear.
I know, and that's why you're not gonna hear about the dead man with my name on his hand because I like being able to leave the house without an armed escort.
Okay.
Feel free to make out now.
Don't they make a cute couple? Kendall lacey casablancas - née lacey shiflit.
Just another arizona state dropout turned featured music video background dancer turned laker girl living off a $10,000-a-year salary, a purseful of credit cards, and a string of baller boyfriends until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise.
And for a "true hollywood story" without the happy ending, david "curly" moran - onetime stuntman who crashed his career in the '80s.
Just remember, kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix.
Between the 3-year stint at san quentin for assault and washing up on the beach with my name on his hand, curly made his living at symbolic motor car company.
A compelling life story, to be sure, but what does any of it have to do with me? And why would this man have my name magic-markered across his hand? Did I get really drunk at a biker bar? So, what's up, kiddo? None of your beeswax.
All right.
I'll show you.
But you're gonna have to answer a couple of my questions first.
Sit down, king kong.
So, now that you've filed the official divorce papers from mom, are you taking Wallace's mom to chicago to propose to her? Don't think I won't rifle through your luggage for that ring.
- There is no ring.
- Promise bracelet? Pre-engagement pendant? Earrings? Anything that according to the hip-hop cognoscente can be qualified as bling? Can't a guy take his special lady friend on a romantic - no.
Veronica, I promise - as soon as alicia and I know what the next step is, you'll know what it is, okay? Okay.
Then I have something to admit.
I love unicorns.
What, dad? Girls are crazy about unicorns.
Aw! Another thing girls love are Jimmy choos, dolce & gabbana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of sri lanka.
If she's a gold digger, she's doing a pretty bad job of hiding it.
But it sure makes my job easier.
Tailing young Mrs.
Kendall is about as hard as following malibu barbie to the beach house.
So far, kendall was only guilty of violating her atkins diet.
Now we're talking.
Ah, the inevitable.
Sorry, elder Dick.
Looks like your too-good-to-be-true bride is too good to be true.
Hope you like cheap hotels, hot stuff.
'Cause that's all you'll be able to afford when this is over.
What are you looking at? Just tawdriness.
What are you looking at now? The opposite of tawdriness.
Wallace and his pudding cup.
Yeah, mom seems to forget I'm not 5 anymore.
Well, who can blame her? Wallace and his - and his new pal, the h ot, bitchy transfer from new york.
I guess he really isn't 5 anymore.
What? You met jackie, right? I didn't realize you were lunch buddies.
I'm going for lunch buddies with privileges.
Help a brother out.
If you want to play in her league, hide your pudding.
Hey, I like her, okay? Retract claws.
Claws? What claws? Hey, Wallace.
Hey, jackie.
- You guys met.
- Yes, she requested I step outside my job description at java the hut the other day.
I'm sorry about that.
I forgot to leave the new york attitude in new york.
So, how you doing? Awful.
No matter how many schools I get kicked out of, I can't seem to escape this thing.
white chicks catfighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's "prospects.
" Hey, I got the cliffsnotes - only 80 pages.
You could borrow it sometime if you want.
Even one page of this pre-victorian corset crap puts me to sleep.
Why can't we read burroughs or something? All right, brother, prepare to be helped out.
Uh, Duncan and I were gonna rent the bbc series of it.
We can fast-forward through the corsets and the bitching.
And colin firth is in it.
Do you guys want to join? Hot damn.
Colin firth is in it.
Yeah.
Sure.
Someone will be right with you.
Table one.
Sure.
I guess that hunch was a good hunch.
Damn, that's cold.
She's doing it at one of my dad's own properties.
This isn't enough.
They could be doing anything behind that door.
Oh, you sweet, simple boy.
I'm serious - there's no clause in the prenup against her swapping gym bags with some cheese ball.
What would she - god, she's probably stealing from my dad, too.
All right, easy, chief.
I'll get you the money shot.
First I need $100.
What for? Expenses.
Can you load kendall's music onto that? If curly moran worked here, I can pretty much assume he wasn't interested in me because of my car.
And I don't suppose he left a bunch of helpful clues just lying around.
That your car? 'Cause we don't service those here.
No, actually, I called earlier.
Curly's niece.
Maybe he mentioned me - Veronica Mars? No.
But you're just in time.
We were about to trash this stuff.
You can take it if you want it.
So he never said anything about Veronica Mars? Curly didn't say much as a general rule.
Sorry, kid.
Not a particularly sentimental bunch here at the garage.
So, no information, but I am now the proud owner of an oil-filter-themed nude calendar.
Curly with bimbo curly with sports star and what's this? It looks as though curly and I have a friend in common.
Maybe it's just a coincidence an ex-con shows up with my name on his hand when I'm the key witness in his benefactor's murder trial.
And maybe it's another coincidence that curly moran was following me that day on the cliff, but I doubt it.
Hey.
What's on your mind? Just fine european automobiles.
Since when have you thought about fine european automobiles? Ever since I became a future business leader of america.
Congratulations, FBLAers.
You are now worth exactly $1 million.
What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll.
I assume that you have all heard about my stock market game.
In fact, I think many of you have played before.
Over the course of the school year, each club member will control a virtual portfolio.
Now, you may invest your money any way you see fit as long as it's legal.
Dude, dog racing is totally legal.
But hardly lucrative, from your performance last year.
The student with the most valuable holdings at the closing bell on june 1st will claim a prize more valuable than money a small, shiny plaque with his or her name on it and all attendant bragging rights.
All right.
For those of you shooting for warren buffett status, there is a cash prize - oooh! - For the student who can beat the snp average.
Standard & poor's? Samuel nelson pope - yours truly.
Wow.
Well, what'd you invest in, Mr.
Pope? Well, take a look.
I haven't made too many changes since last year.
I tend to be more conservative than my students, primarily because I use this model for my own 401k.
How much real money did you make? Precisely enough to retire in exactly nine months.
Dad's pulling in 35% returns? Dude, I'm the one that's retiring.
I'll alert the dog track.
As for myself, at the end of this year, I'll hang up my stock market spurs, buy some cozy t-bills, and literally sail off into the sunset.
Cool.
Is that a swan 40? Yeah, nice, huh? From 1971.
I would've retired earlier, but the restoration's been tricky.
We had to reseal the hull twice.
Couldn't plug her right the first time, huh? Well, I can tell you one thing - whoever it is you're fighting over, she won't be very impressed by this.
You're done.
I believe the principal is waiting for you.
I'll be back for you.
Actually, I disagree with nurse ratched.
I think Veronica would've been quite impressed.
Probably a little turned on, too.
Careful, Logan.
You're exposing your soft underbelly.
My underbelly is rock-hard.
It can go all night.
You lost her.
I didn't steal her.
The hell with Veronica! She's in the rearview mirror.
Where were you this summer, man? What do you mean? There was this little situation.
I was accused of murder.
I am the eye of a storm, and I never heard from you.
It is a war out there, and you're on the sidelines? Do you remember when you used to have my back? Wait, I do remember this summer.
I was dealing with this thing.
What was it? Oh, yeah, I remember now.
Your dad murdered my sister.
The principal is waiting, young man.
I hate him, too, you know.
I'm sorry.
Does that sting? Veronica, it's no big deal.
Just what guys do sometimes.
I don't think colin firth gets into pointless fisticuffs.
A pistol duel, maybe, but - I realize I'm not a but I just don't get that colin firth thing.
I think it's less him they're after and more the mansion with the matching swans.
No, it's him.
Last year, I dated this actor.
Big mistake, by the way.
But he did this play in london, and he was at the after party.
I'm no 19th-century british woman, either, But if Mr.
Darcy would've asked, he would not have needed swans.
And so it's gone all night - how jackie met colin firth, how jackie got herself thrown out of st.
Paul's prep for "borrowing" the dean's car, how jackie got bored with manhattan and flew to paris with her boyfriend for her birthday.
Get a guy who knows how to wear a saddle suit how can jackie stand the nonstop excitement of being herself? So? She's cool, huh? Is there such a thing as too cool? What do you mean? I mean are you sure there's not a more "you" kind of girl at Neptune? So, what - you think she's out of my league? You think I'm too small-time for a girl like that? Wallace, no, that's not what I mean.
Then what did you mean? What did you mean, Veronica? I mean, I think you're out of her league.
But if you want to slum it a bit, maybe I'll help her out with you.
I used to have an in with Wallace Fennel.
I could put in a good word.
What's going on? I thought only girls went to the bathroom together.
Just a little personal-grooming chat.
Wallace wanted to know what hairstyles drive girls crazy.
Personally, I'm a sucker for the wild look.
Rrroar! Hey, you're missing it.
Some guy just touched lizzie's glove.
Retract claws, Veronica.
God, that's only half of it? I should've just read the book.
Thanks so much, you guys.
That was fun.
Sure.
Great meeting you officially.
Thanks, Veronica.
I'll see you at school.
We should get together friday and finish it.
I hear there's a bitchin' chase scene at the end.
I can't.
I got to work.
I'm busy, too.
We'll find another night.
I can hardly wait.
I'll see if I can clear my calendar.
She's cool.
Oh, yeah - way cool.
Kendall casablancas is one of the most energetic trophy wives I've ever seen.
In and out of every high-end store in town without standing still long enough to let me make my move.
Not standing still, but this is probably the best chance I'm going to get.
Hi.
I'm really sorry to bug you.
I noticed we have the same ipod.
Wow.
What are the odds? Can I help you with something before my heart goes out of the red zone? Totally.
This will just take a second.
Um, I think my player is acting funky, and I'm not sure if it's my player or my headphones.
And I don't want to borrow my boyfriend's headphones because he has, like, major earwax and that would be totally gross.
So, could I borrow mine? Yeah.
All right.
Just, you know, make it quick.
My ass needs some major work here, okay? Well, the headphones aren't broken.
I love this song.
I love how it keeps my heart rate in the red zone.
What else do you have on here? Oh.
Sorry.
Well, I guess mine's busted.
And your ass looks totally awesome, by the way.
Huh.
You've got to admire a girl who sticks to her schedule.
Lunch bag switch followed by illicit sex at one of her husband's numerous hotels.
Bingo.
Hey, leave a message.
Hey, beaver, it's veronic- sorry - Cassidy.
It worked.
Steal it back and meet me before closing tonight.
See ya.
Sandpiper? I don't know what's going on with this hotel, but it's pretty clear someone somehow is getting screwed.
Kendall's special someone went straight from the motel to the bank, kendall's gym bag in hand.
Next stop, a strange one - the county courthouse.
Any chance this gigolo is turning himself in to the sheriff? What kind of business does he have with the assessor? And is our assessor's name actually jack montana? I need t o know that man's name.
Where did he go? Are you looking for someone? The guy hit my car in the parking lot, and I need his name.
I'm sorry.
You must be mistaken.
Lady, my dad will kill me.
I can assure you there is no one in Mr.
Montana's office except Mr.
Montana.
Dark hair? This tall? Mr.
Montana.
What can you tell me about real estate fraud? Well, provided your interest is purely academic, there's really not a lot to say.
Not to say it doesn't exist, but it's pretty tough to fleece people since generally they don't buy properties sight unseen.
Except in the case of a reit.
True.
But there's still multiple safeguards in place.
A local assessor, for instance, makes sure that all properties are sold for fair market value.
So, even if you bribed the assessor, you'd have to find a really unsuspecting buyer? I suppose you could borrow against an inflated property to buy more property and then inflate its value and so forth and so on.
Like building a house of cards.
Yeah.
I suppose it might work until somebody sneezes.
Sell your casablancas stock.
What? Mr.
Casablancas is artificially driving up his company's value.
How do you - I have seen the fabulous sandpiper hotel, and there's nothing fabulous about it.
And it's not worth nearly $60 million.
This has to be a mistake.
It's not a mistake.
I've checked.
This isn't the only one.
And the buyers in the most recent sales? Shell companies controlled by casablancas enterprises.
It is a house of cards, and someone's gonna sneeze on it, me.
Mr.
Pope, dump your stock.
You don't dump it, Veronica.
You sell it to somebody else.
I'd just be sticking some other sucker with the consequences.
I don't think I can live with that.
Then I guess you won't be taking an early retirement.
So, what do you think the kids are doing right now? As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kind of don't care.
I am running for sheriff.
It would look bad if Veronica got arrested.
Do you really want it back - sheriff, all the politics? Yeah, I do.
I like being that guy.
I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter.
She's really no good at wrestling hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.
How do you think she's gonna handle it? Are you kidding? Veronica's the one who talked me into running.
Wow.
Mmm-hmm.
Like I said you got my vote.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
You want to get out of here? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Cheri? Hey.
Cher? Hey! Cher! You know that guy? No.
Cher.
You get that a lot? More than you think.
Do you know how to make a mini-bar martini? Are you kidding? I invented the damn things.
I need a name from you.
A white guy, black woman - staying on the third floor.
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't give out names of guests staying at the - just find the name.
I sigh for Jeanie with the light brown hair floating like a zephyr on the soft summer ai-I-I-I-I-I-I-r I love you Jeanie! Thank you, lars.
Lars, everyone.
And now courtney.
Courtney, you want to come up here? Nice one.
Jeanie, strapping young lad.
Young love.
So beautiful.
But, you know, even young love has a dark side, so let's not lose perspective.
Love hurts love scars love wounds and marks any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain take a lot of pain love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain love hurts ooooooooooooh love hurts ta-da.
Nice work with the camera, by the way.
I couldn't even find the lens.
That's the idea.
This might take a little while.
One every 15 seconds.
My dad is gonna kill that guy.
There's something I need to tell you about your dad.
Hey, Veronica, you got customers.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
How do I break this to you, kid? You hired me to protect your old man from a gold-digging wife, and I wind up proving they're both gold-digging casablancas enterprises investors for millions.
I get the distinct feeling that "sorry" won't cut it.
Oh.
Hey, Veronica.
Hey, jackie and random dude.
Dave, this is Veronica, the girl I was a total biatch to.
We'll just take that table over there.
You look pretty busy.
Yeah.
You look pretty busy yourself.
Too busy for Wallace and definitely too busy for me.
I know it isn't true know it isn't true love is just a lie made to make you blue love hurts ooooooooooooooh love hurts oooooooooooooooh where's your brother? He didn't come to school today.
Have you seen Logan? No, he didn't come to school today, either.
I thought it was just a coincidence, but now that I think about it Wallace: Hey, Veronica.
So, you in? We're doing it.
And what is "it"? P and P, baby "Pride and Prejudice".
Second half is going down tomorrow night.
I hear there's a bitchin' chase scene at the end.
Really? And you're not busy? No, I'm totally free.
So, great.
It's on.
I can't wait.
Lizzie gettin' busy with colin fizz-irth.
So, you coming? I just have to check something.
All right.
Oh, sweet son of man.
Saved by the bell.
Veronica.
Is my little boy cheating on me? It's just someone from school.
Ooh, a schoolgirl.
Yeah.
Should we invite her over? I got a boy toy.
A girl toy might spice things up.
I can handle the spice department.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, really? - Really.
This is Logan with today's inspirational message.
"To love and win is the best thing.
To love and lose, the next best.
" William M.
Thackeray.
I love what you've done with the place.
Yeah.
Well, now you know what you were missing.
Is your girlfriend still here? Girlfriend? Girlfriend? You have to be a little more specific.
Let me clarify.
The one whose husband is gonna break you in half when he finds out that his son's old cub scout camporee buddy is secretly plowing his wife.
That one is less a girlfriend and more A playmate, kind of.
I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan.
What if I had been Mr.
Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo? I would've had some explaining to do.
What a cliché.
Poor little rich boy with a death wish.
And I used to think that it was bad luck that landed you in danger - the knife fight on the bridge and the drive-by on your car.
But, no, now I see you actually enjoy it, don't you, Logan? Then I guess I should feel grateful for having such a devoted ex-girlfriend looking after me.
My very own guardian angel.
Don't flatter yourself.
I came here so I won't have to feel responsible.
Yeah, responsible for what? For taking pictures of you and kendall playing house.
Don't take it the wrong way, Logan.
It was a job - nothing more.
And so you storm out in a burst of professionalism.
I suggest you start locking your doors.
Oh, my god.
I must have walked down this hall a hundred times during my summer with Logan.
What was it Aaron wrote to curly on that picture? "All these years, still on 'the long haul'"? "The long haul" that's not some kind of macho expression - it's a movie.
The 1982 thriller that introduced a young action star named Aaron Echolls, featuring a signature stunt where a truck is sent veering over a bridge, a stunt supervised and performed by david "curly" moran.
If this is what you call storming out, I'm not sure you understand the concept.
Where the hell did these come from? I'm sorry, dad.
I couldn't let her do this to you any longer, so so I hired someone.
A private investigator? Yeah.
Oh, son.
W - what are you gonna do? Mr.
Casablancas? Some gentlemen from the S.
E.
C.
Are here to see you.
Shred it.
Shred everything.
Shred everything.
Empty your files and start shredding right now.
Start shredding.
Start now.
Open your desks.
Get all the papers out.
Do it right now.
Do it.
Hey.
Did you hear about Dick's dad all over the news? It was me.
What? Veronica, what are you - the bus crash.
It was meant for me.
They all died because of me.
College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six.
Since most of my extracurricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little résumé-packing.
So as of now, Veronica Mars is a future business leader of america.
Okay.
I'd like to begin our local profile series by introducing the C.
E.
O.
Of casablancas enterprises, Mr.
H.
Richard casablancas.
Uh, sure you're not looking for the future bootlickers of america? So, what am I doing in Neptune high's own little billionaire boys club instead of joining french club or model united nations? I blame my billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane.
So, who are we exploiting now? The workers.
Excellent.
And now I've lost my appetite.
Good afternoon.
I'm here to talk to you kids about the real estate business.
Now, there's nothing wrong with stocks or bonds or pork bellies or whatever else, but when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting.
Kick the tires, if you will.
Of course, most people can't just plop down $137 million for an office building in downtown tokyo.
That's where real estate investment trusts, or reits, come in.
A single $50 share in my company $52.
16, to be precise.
Very good.
Allows your average joe to pool his resources with other investors and own a piece of that tower and these condos and this hotel.
But forget the eye candy.
Here's a chart of our market capitalization versus earnings over the last two years.
Now, how's that look? It looks like it's always looked - the rich get richer, and everybody else hopes for scholarships.
Hey, Veronica? Hey, beave - I mean, Cassidy.
I think it's cool that you joined fbla, you being a girl and all.
And a poor one at that.
Can I talk to you for a sec? You are talking to me.
About my dad I'm worried, you know? Seemed to me he was doing fine for himself.
Look, it's not money, okay? Well, it is - it is money, but it's my stepmom.
She's a gold digger, and it's obvious to everyone else except my dad.
All she does is spend his money.
Unfortunately, there are no laws against exploiting rich and horny middle-aged men.
Yeah? The prenup doesn't allow her to cheat on him, either.
I found a condom wrapper in the couch.
Hardly a smoking gun given your brother's proclivities.
Look, it's just a hunch, but I'm willing to pay you a lot of money to back it up with hard proof.
Define "lot.
" $500 for a picture of kendall violating her prenup.
$1,000.
Okay.
It's her schedule.
Good luck.
Well.
I just might be a future business leader of america yet.
And 15h, spa reservation for a shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic.
Maybe I should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife.
Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
My answer was final.
I will not go to prom with him.
Now.
Deputy sacks, take me away.
So, I guess you know why you're here.
You want to tell me about it? Okay.
I confess.
God, you're good.
I have no idea why I'm here.
But I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.
He didn't need to know that you were here.
You're 18 now, kiddo.
You're an adult.
That makes one of us.
Are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated david caruso? What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? Ah, yes.
I remember that summer.
He was a roadie for whitesnake.
I was singing backup for boyz ii men.
They said it would never work, but - I'm glad that you find this amusing.
Mr.
David "curly" moran.
You've never seen him before in your life? Somewhere those million chimps with their million typewriters must have finally written "king lear" because sheriff lamb is actually right about something.
I have seen this man before.
Thanks.
So you have.
I thought so.
Missing an earring? I'm not exactly a diamonds kind of girl.
It was found outside the road hog - biker bar up the P.
C.
H.
Last place curly here was seen.
Again, what does this have to do with me? It seems that curly had your name on him.
On him? His body washed up on the beach.
Beaten to death.
Amusing, huh? so, he was serious about wanting you to run.
Why not? I'm a good candidate.
I've been sheriff before.
I know where the office is.
I look great in a hat.
And I am a local celebrity, you know, with a book currently hovering at number Mm-hmm.
So, is that good or bad? Well, as we say in the book biz, it's sort of okayish.
But they believe in it, so I'll probably be flogging it until someone famouser than Aaron Echolls murders someone.
Speaking of which, I've got a signing this weekend, and how do you feel about a romantic getaway? Chicago.
You, me, and chi-town, the windy city - a city with broad shoulders where the fog comes on little cat feet.
What do you think? This business about the little cat feet sounds intriguing.
Oh, it gets better.
They're putting me up at the rossmore hotel, and there's a nightclub at the top with this great jazz place.
How great would that - what? I thought you liked jazz.
Is it Kenny G? He ruined it for you? No.
It's very perfect.
Ugh.
Child in the room.
Hands at your sides, please.
Hey, honey.
Just in time for steak.
I had a bite.
Thanks.
You okay, sweetie? I'm super.
Thanks for asking.
That's what I like to hear.
I know, and that's why you're not gonna hear about the dead man with my name on his hand because I like being able to leave the house without an armed escort.
Okay.
Feel free to make out now.
Don't they make a cute couple? Kendall lacey casablancas - née lacey shiflit.
Just another arizona state dropout turned featured music video background dancer turned laker girl living off a $10,000-a-year salary, a purseful of credit cards, and a string of baller boyfriends until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise.
And for a "true hollywood story" without the happy ending, david "curly" moran - onetime stuntman who crashed his career in the '80s.
Just remember, kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix.
Between the 3-year stint at san quentin for assault and washing up on the beach with my name on his hand, curly made his living at symbolic motor car company.
A compelling life story, to be sure, but what does any of it have to do with me? And why would this man have my name magic-markered across his hand? Did I get really drunk at a biker bar? So, what's up, kiddo? None of your beeswax.
All right.
I'll show you.
But you're gonna have to answer a couple of my questions first.
Sit down, king kong.
So, now that you've filed the official divorce papers from mom, are you taking Wallace's mom to chicago to propose to her? Don't think I won't rifle through your luggage for that ring.
- There is no ring.
- Promise bracelet? Pre-engagement pendant? Earrings? Anything that according to the hip-hop cognoscente can be qualified as bling? Can't a guy take his special lady friend on a romantic - no.
Veronica, I promise - as soon as alicia and I know what the next step is, you'll know what it is, okay? Okay.
Then I have something to admit.
I love unicorns.
What, dad? Girls are crazy about unicorns.
Aw! Another thing girls love are Jimmy choos, dolce & gabbana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of sri lanka.
If she's a gold digger, she's doing a pretty bad job of hiding it.
But it sure makes my job easier.
Tailing young Mrs.
Kendall is about as hard as following malibu barbie to the beach house.
So far, kendall was only guilty of violating her atkins diet.
Now we're talking.
Ah, the inevitable.
Sorry, elder Dick.
Looks like your too-good-to-be-true bride is too good to be true.
Hope you like cheap hotels, hot stuff.
'Cause that's all you'll be able to afford when this is over.
What are you looking at? Just tawdriness.
What are you looking at now? The opposite of tawdriness.
Wallace and his pudding cup.
Yeah, mom seems to forget I'm not 5 anymore.
Well, who can blame her? Wallace and his - and his new pal, the h ot, bitchy transfer from new york.
I guess he really isn't 5 anymore.
What? You met jackie, right? I didn't realize you were lunch buddies.
I'm going for lunch buddies with privileges.
Help a brother out.
If you want to play in her league, hide your pudding.
Hey, I like her, okay? Retract claws.
Claws? What claws? Hey, Wallace.
Hey, jackie.
- You guys met.
- Yes, she requested I step outside my job description at java the hut the other day.
I'm sorry about that.
I forgot to leave the new york attitude in new york.
So, how you doing? Awful.
No matter how many schools I get kicked out of, I can't seem to escape this thing.
white chicks catfighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's "prospects.
" Hey, I got the cliffsnotes - only 80 pages.
You could borrow it sometime if you want.
Even one page of this pre-victorian corset crap puts me to sleep.
Why can't we read burroughs or something? All right, brother, prepare to be helped out.
Uh, Duncan and I were gonna rent the bbc series of it.
We can fast-forward through the corsets and the bitching.
And colin firth is in it.
Do you guys want to join? Hot damn.
Colin firth is in it.
Yeah.
Sure.
Someone will be right with you.
Table one.
Sure.
I guess that hunch was a good hunch.
Damn, that's cold.
She's doing it at one of my dad's own properties.
This isn't enough.
They could be doing anything behind that door.
Oh, you sweet, simple boy.
I'm serious - there's no clause in the prenup against her swapping gym bags with some cheese ball.
What would she - god, she's probably stealing from my dad, too.
All right, easy, chief.
I'll get you the money shot.
First I need $100.
What for? Expenses.
Can you load kendall's music onto that? If curly moran worked here, I can pretty much assume he wasn't interested in me because of my car.
And I don't suppose he left a bunch of helpful clues just lying around.
That your car? 'Cause we don't service those here.
No, actually, I called earlier.
Curly's niece.
Maybe he mentioned me - Veronica Mars? No.
But you're just in time.
We were about to trash this stuff.
You can take it if you want it.
So he never said anything about Veronica Mars? Curly didn't say much as a general rule.
Sorry, kid.
Not a particularly sentimental bunch here at the garage.
So, no information, but I am now the proud owner of an oil-filter-themed nude calendar.
Curly with bimbo curly with sports star and what's this? It looks as though curly and I have a friend in common.
Maybe it's just a coincidence an ex-con shows up with my name on his hand when I'm the key witness in his benefactor's murder trial.
And maybe it's another coincidence that curly moran was following me that day on the cliff, but I doubt it.
Hey.
What's on your mind? Just fine european automobiles.
Since when have you thought about fine european automobiles? Ever since I became a future business leader of america.
Congratulations, FBLAers.
You are now worth exactly $1 million.
What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll.
I assume that you have all heard about my stock market game.
In fact, I think many of you have played before.
Over the course of the school year, each club member will control a virtual portfolio.
Now, you may invest your money any way you see fit as long as it's legal.
Dude, dog racing is totally legal.
But hardly lucrative, from your performance last year.
The student with the most valuable holdings at the closing bell on june 1st will claim a prize more valuable than money a small, shiny plaque with his or her name on it and all attendant bragging rights.
All right.
For those of you shooting for warren buffett status, there is a cash prize - oooh! - For the student who can beat the snp average.
Standard & poor's? Samuel nelson pope - yours truly.
Wow.
Well, what'd you invest in, Mr.
Pope? Well, take a look.
I haven't made too many changes since last year.
I tend to be more conservative than my students, primarily because I use this model for my own 401k.
How much real money did you make? Precisely enough to retire in exactly nine months.
Dad's pulling in 35% returns? Dude, I'm the one that's retiring.
I'll alert the dog track.
As for myself, at the end of this year, I'll hang up my stock market spurs, buy some cozy t-bills, and literally sail off into the sunset.
Cool.
Is that a swan 40? Yeah, nice, huh? From 1971.
I would've retired earlier, but the restoration's been tricky.
We had to reseal the hull twice.
Couldn't plug her right the first time, huh? Well, I can tell you one thing - whoever it is you're fighting over, she won't be very impressed by this.
You're done.
I believe the principal is waiting for you.
I'll be back for you.
Actually, I disagree with nurse ratched.
I think Veronica would've been quite impressed.
Probably a little turned on, too.
Careful, Logan.
You're exposing your soft underbelly.
My underbelly is rock-hard.
It can go all night.
You lost her.
I didn't steal her.
The hell with Veronica! She's in the rearview mirror.
Where were you this summer, man? What do you mean? There was this little situation.
I was accused of murder.
I am the eye of a storm, and I never heard from you.
It is a war out there, and you're on the sidelines? Do you remember when you used to have my back? Wait, I do remember this summer.
I was dealing with this thing.
What was it? Oh, yeah, I remember now.
Your dad murdered my sister.
The principal is waiting, young man.
I hate him, too, you know.
I'm sorry.
Does that sting? Veronica, it's no big deal.
Just what guys do sometimes.
I don't think colin firth gets into pointless fisticuffs.
A pistol duel, maybe, but - I realize I'm not a but I just don't get that colin firth thing.
I think it's less him they're after and more the mansion with the matching swans.
No, it's him.
Last year, I dated this actor.
Big mistake, by the way.
But he did this play in london, and he was at the after party.
I'm no 19th-century british woman, either, But if Mr.
Darcy would've asked, he would not have needed swans.
And so it's gone all night - how jackie met colin firth, how jackie got herself thrown out of st.
Paul's prep for "borrowing" the dean's car, how jackie got bored with manhattan and flew to paris with her boyfriend for her birthday.
Get a guy who knows how to wear a saddle suit how can jackie stand the nonstop excitement of being herself? So? She's cool, huh? Is there such a thing as too cool? What do you mean? I mean are you sure there's not a more "you" kind of girl at Neptune? So, what - you think she's out of my league? You think I'm too small-time for a girl like that? Wallace, no, that's not what I mean.
Then what did you mean? What did you mean, Veronica? I mean, I think you're out of her league.
But if you want to slum it a bit, maybe I'll help her out with you.
I used to have an in with Wallace Fennel.
I could put in a good word.
What's going on? I thought only girls went to the bathroom together.
Just a little personal-grooming chat.
Wallace wanted to know what hairstyles drive girls crazy.
Personally, I'm a sucker for the wild look.
Rrroar! Hey, you're missing it.
Some guy just touched lizzie's glove.
Retract claws, Veronica.
God, that's only half of it? I should've just read the book.
Thanks so much, you guys.
That was fun.
Sure.
Great meeting you officially.
Thanks, Veronica.
I'll see you at school.
We should get together friday and finish it.
I hear there's a bitchin' chase scene at the end.
I can't.
I got to work.
I'm busy, too.
We'll find another night.
I can hardly wait.
I'll see if I can clear my calendar.
She's cool.
Oh, yeah - way cool.
Kendall casablancas is one of the most energetic trophy wives I've ever seen.
In and out of every high-end store in town without standing still long enough to let me make my move.
Not standing still, but this is probably the best chance I'm going to get.
Hi.
I'm really sorry to bug you.
I noticed we have the same ipod.
Wow.
What are the odds? Can I help you with something before my heart goes out of the red zone? Totally.
This will just take a second.
Um, I think my player is acting funky, and I'm not sure if it's my player or my headphones.
And I don't want to borrow my boyfriend's headphones because he has, like, major earwax and that would be totally gross.
So, could I borrow mine? Yeah.
All right.
Just, you know, make it quick.
My ass needs some major work here, okay? Well, the headphones aren't broken.
I love this song.
I love how it keeps my heart rate in the red zone.
What else do you have on here? Oh.
Sorry.
Well, I guess mine's busted.
And your ass looks totally awesome, by the way.
Huh.
You've got to admire a girl who sticks to her schedule.
Lunch bag switch followed by illicit sex at one of her husband's numerous hotels.
Bingo.
Hey, leave a message.
Hey, beaver, it's veronic- sorry - Cassidy.
It worked.
Steal it back and meet me before closing tonight.
See ya.
Sandpiper? I don't know what's going on with this hotel, but it's pretty clear someone somehow is getting screwed.
Kendall's special someone went straight from the motel to the bank, kendall's gym bag in hand.
Next stop, a strange one - the county courthouse.
Any chance this gigolo is turning himself in to the sheriff? What kind of business does he have with the assessor? And is our assessor's name actually jack montana? I need t o know that man's name.
Where did he go? Are you looking for someone? The guy hit my car in the parking lot, and I need his name.
I'm sorry.
You must be mistaken.
Lady, my dad will kill me.
I can assure you there is no one in Mr.
Montana's office except Mr.
Montana.
Dark hair? This tall? Mr.
Montana.
What can you tell me about real estate fraud? Well, provided your interest is purely academic, there's really not a lot to say.
Not to say it doesn't exist, but it's pretty tough to fleece people since generally they don't buy properties sight unseen.
Except in the case of a reit.
True.
But there's still multiple safeguards in place.
A local assessor, for instance, makes sure that all properties are sold for fair market value.
So, even if you bribed the assessor, you'd have to find a really unsuspecting buyer? I suppose you could borrow against an inflated property to buy more property and then inflate its value and so forth and so on.
Like building a house of cards.
Yeah.
I suppose it might work until somebody sneezes.
Sell your casablancas stock.
What? Mr.
Casablancas is artificially driving up his company's value.
How do you - I have seen the fabulous sandpiper hotel, and there's nothing fabulous about it.
And it's not worth nearly $60 million.
This has to be a mistake.
It's not a mistake.
I've checked.
This isn't the only one.
And the buyers in the most recent sales? Shell companies controlled by casablancas enterprises.
It is a house of cards, and someone's gonna sneeze on it, me.
Mr.
Pope, dump your stock.
You don't dump it, Veronica.
You sell it to somebody else.
I'd just be sticking some other sucker with the consequences.
I don't think I can live with that.
Then I guess you won't be taking an early retirement.
So, what do you think the kids are doing right now? As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kind of don't care.
I am running for sheriff.
It would look bad if Veronica got arrested.
Do you really want it back - sheriff, all the politics? Yeah, I do.
I like being that guy.
I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter.
She's really no good at wrestling hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.
How do you think she's gonna handle it? Are you kidding? Veronica's the one who talked me into running.
Wow.
Mmm-hmm.
Like I said you got my vote.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
You want to get out of here? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Cheri? Hey.
Cher? Hey! Cher! You know that guy? No.
Cher.
You get that a lot? More than you think.
Do you know how to make a mini-bar martini? Are you kidding? I invented the damn things.
I need a name from you.
A white guy, black woman - staying on the third floor.
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't give out names of guests staying at the - just find the name.
I sigh for Jeanie with the light brown hair floating like a zephyr on the soft summer ai-I-I-I-I-I-I-r I love you Jeanie! Thank you, lars.
Lars, everyone.
And now courtney.
Courtney, you want to come up here? Nice one.
Jeanie, strapping young lad.
Young love.
So beautiful.
But, you know, even young love has a dark side, so let's not lose perspective.
Love hurts love scars love wounds and marks any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain take a lot of pain love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain love hurts ooooooooooooh love hurts ta-da.
Nice work with the camera, by the way.
I couldn't even find the lens.
That's the idea.
This might take a little while.
One every 15 seconds.
My dad is gonna kill that guy.
There's something I need to tell you about your dad.
Hey, Veronica, you got customers.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
How do I break this to you, kid? You hired me to protect your old man from a gold-digging wife, and I wind up proving they're both gold-digging casablancas enterprises investors for millions.
I get the distinct feeling that "sorry" won't cut it.
Oh.
Hey, Veronica.
Hey, jackie and random dude.
Dave, this is Veronica, the girl I was a total biatch to.
We'll just take that table over there.
You look pretty busy.
Yeah.
You look pretty busy yourself.
Too busy for Wallace and definitely too busy for me.
I know it isn't true know it isn't true love is just a lie made to make you blue love hurts ooooooooooooooh love hurts oooooooooooooooh where's your brother? He didn't come to school today.
Have you seen Logan? No, he didn't come to school today, either.
I thought it was just a coincidence, but now that I think about it Wallace: Hey, Veronica.
So, you in? We're doing it.
And what is "it"? P and P, baby "Pride and Prejudice".
Second half is going down tomorrow night.
I hear there's a bitchin' chase scene at the end.
Really? And you're not busy? No, I'm totally free.
So, great.
It's on.
I can't wait.
Lizzie gettin' busy with colin fizz-irth.
So, you coming? I just have to check something.
All right.
Oh, sweet son of man.
Saved by the bell.
Veronica.
Is my little boy cheating on me? It's just someone from school.
Ooh, a schoolgirl.
Yeah.
Should we invite her over? I got a boy toy.
A girl toy might spice things up.
I can handle the spice department.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, really? - Really.
This is Logan with today's inspirational message.
"To love and win is the best thing.
To love and lose, the next best.
" William M.
Thackeray.
I love what you've done with the place.
Yeah.
Well, now you know what you were missing.
Is your girlfriend still here? Girlfriend? Girlfriend? You have to be a little more specific.
Let me clarify.
The one whose husband is gonna break you in half when he finds out that his son's old cub scout camporee buddy is secretly plowing his wife.
That one is less a girlfriend and more A playmate, kind of.
I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan.
What if I had been Mr.
Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo? I would've had some explaining to do.
What a cliché.
Poor little rich boy with a death wish.
And I used to think that it was bad luck that landed you in danger - the knife fight on the bridge and the drive-by on your car.
But, no, now I see you actually enjoy it, don't you, Logan? Then I guess I should feel grateful for having such a devoted ex-girlfriend looking after me.
My very own guardian angel.
Don't flatter yourself.
I came here so I won't have to feel responsible.
Yeah, responsible for what? For taking pictures of you and kendall playing house.
Don't take it the wrong way, Logan.
It was a job - nothing more.
And so you storm out in a burst of professionalism.
I suggest you start locking your doors.
Oh, my god.
I must have walked down this hall a hundred times during my summer with Logan.
What was it Aaron wrote to curly on that picture? "All these years, still on 'the long haul'"? "The long haul" that's not some kind of macho expression - it's a movie.
The 1982 thriller that introduced a young action star named Aaron Echolls, featuring a signature stunt where a truck is sent veering over a bridge, a stunt supervised and performed by david "curly" moran.
If this is what you call storming out, I'm not sure you understand the concept.
Where the hell did these come from? I'm sorry, dad.
I couldn't let her do this to you any longer, so so I hired someone.
A private investigator? Yeah.
Oh, son.
W - what are you gonna do? Mr.
Casablancas? Some gentlemen from the S.
E.
C.
Are here to see you.
Shred it.
Shred everything.
Shred everything.
Empty your files and start shredding right now.
Start shredding.
Start now.
Open your desks.
Get all the papers out.
Do it right now.
Do it.
Hey.
Did you hear about Dick's dad all over the news? It was me.
What? Veronica, what are you - the bus crash.
It was meant for me.
They all died because of me.